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1
00:00:01,697 --> 00:00:04,656
Okay, this is
going to be a shock,
2
00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:06,919
but I think it's important
that you see it.
3
00:00:06,963 --> 00:00:09,139
Is it going to be
you in a Speedo?
4
00:00:09,183 --> 00:00:12,142
'Cause we got it.
You lost five pounds.
5
00:00:12,186 --> 00:00:14,101
You look great.
6
00:00:14,144 --> 00:00:16,103
Thank you, but no.
7
00:00:16,146 --> 00:00:18,018
This is something
very serious.
8
00:00:19,584 --> 00:00:22,413
Oh, my God.
That's Lacey.
9
00:00:22,457 --> 00:00:25,242
Charlie:
IndianGirlinaComa.com?
10
00:00:26,983 --> 00:00:29,072
"Click here to donate"?
11
00:00:29,116 --> 00:00:30,073
What the hell happened?
12
00:00:30,117 --> 00:00:31,640
I'll tell you
what happened.
13
00:00:31,683 --> 00:00:32,945
She was walking
down the street,
14
00:00:32,989 --> 00:00:34,469
and, wham, it hit her
out of nowhere.
15
00:00:34,512 --> 00:00:36,558
The fastest way
to make money is
a charity scam.
16
00:00:38,125 --> 00:00:39,256
I can't
believe Lacey.
17
00:00:39,300 --> 00:00:40,997
How could she set up
a Web site
like this?
18
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,912
What, you didn't think
she'd stoop so low?
19
00:00:42,955 --> 00:00:44,392
Well,
of course she would.
20
00:00:44,435 --> 00:00:46,176
It just looks great.
I don't know how
21
00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:48,135
she could set up
a Web site
like this.
22
00:00:48,178 --> 00:00:51,094
Actually, I'm the one
who set it up.
23
00:00:51,138 --> 00:00:53,618
So why are you
selling her out?
24
00:00:53,662 --> 00:00:56,186
Well, because
it's immoral, it's illegal,
25
00:00:56,230 --> 00:00:58,319
and she promised me
half of the profits,
26
00:00:58,362 --> 00:01:00,147
and I haven't seen
a nickel.
27
00:01:00,190 --> 00:01:03,019
Because there probably
aren't any profits.
28
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:05,369
Like to believe that
people are a little
too savvy these days
29
00:01:05,413 --> 00:01:07,763
to send money
to a girl
30
00:01:07,806 --> 00:01:09,852
in sexy lingerie
who's supposed to be
in a coma.
31
00:01:11,636 --> 00:01:14,161
Sorry I'm late, everybody.
I was out shopping.
32
00:01:16,119 --> 00:01:18,208
So, Lacey,
33
00:01:18,252 --> 00:01:20,558
where'd you get
the money?
34
00:01:22,169 --> 00:01:24,084
I found it in my couch.
35
00:01:24,127 --> 00:01:25,781
Oh, really?
36
00:01:25,824 --> 00:01:28,784
Oh, look. It's someone
who looks just like me,
37
00:01:28,827 --> 00:01:31,482
that isn't me on TV.
38
00:01:31,526 --> 00:01:32,875
You told.
39
00:01:32,918 --> 00:01:34,485
You made $5,000,
40
00:01:34,529 --> 00:01:36,139
and you didn't
give me my half.
41
00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:39,011
You can't split
5,000 in half.
42
00:01:39,055 --> 00:01:40,404
It's an odd number.
43
00:01:41,753 --> 00:01:45,714
Lacey, of all the
selfish, narcissistic,
44
00:01:45,757 --> 00:01:47,716
unethical things
you've ever done,
45
00:01:47,759 --> 00:01:49,109
this is easily
46
00:01:49,152 --> 00:01:51,067
the most recent.
47
00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,590
Well, your point of view
48
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:55,071
is very different
from the people who wrote,
49
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,900
"
50
00:01:57,943 --> 00:01:59,380
You've got to stop
doing this.
51
00:01:59,423 --> 00:02:01,469
You're taking money
from people under
false pretensions.
52
00:02:01,512 --> 00:02:04,341
53
00:02:04,385 --> 00:02:05,995
That's not fair, Charlie.
54
00:02:06,038 --> 00:02:08,519
There's a Pakistani woman
doing the exact
same thing.
55
00:02:08,563 --> 00:02:09,955
I have to say, though--
56
00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:11,827
and I don't
usually say this--
57
00:02:11,870 --> 00:02:14,830
she's too skinny.
58
00:02:14,873 --> 00:02:17,137
Well, maybe
it's easier for her
to get away with it
59
00:02:17,180 --> 00:02:19,704
because she's
in a real coma.
60
00:02:19,748 --> 00:02:22,142
[ men whistling ]
61
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,972
Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
62
00:02:27,016 --> 00:02:29,975
There was a bear
on the freeway
63
00:02:30,019 --> 00:02:31,542
chewing on
a cop's cellphone.
64
00:02:31,586 --> 00:02:33,240
Nothing I could do.
65
00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:35,981
So, in other words,
66
00:02:36,025 --> 00:02:38,027
you spent all night
having sex with some woman.
67
00:02:38,070 --> 00:02:39,855
How did you know that?
68
00:02:39,898 --> 00:02:41,335
Chewing and cellphone
69
00:02:41,378 --> 00:02:43,554
are fairly obvious
as to what they represent.
70
00:02:44,555 --> 00:02:47,210
Oh, yeah.
Look at that.
71
00:02:47,254 --> 00:02:49,212
It's amazing what
my subconscious does
72
00:02:49,256 --> 00:02:51,867
all on its own.
73
00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:53,564
Okay, so here's
what you missed.
74
00:02:53,608 --> 00:02:55,784
You know
the A.P.A. conference
we have coming up?
75
00:02:55,827 --> 00:02:58,221
The theme is
successful partnerships,
76
00:02:58,265 --> 00:03:00,354
and they're considering us
for the keynote speakers.
77
00:03:00,397 --> 00:03:03,183
Oh, man.
After all the hassles
78
00:03:03,226 --> 00:03:05,185
those morons
on the ethics committee
put me through,
79
00:03:05,228 --> 00:03:07,230
they'd hate to have me
on that stage.
80
00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:10,102
Whose cellphone
do we got to chew
to get this gig?
81
00:03:10,146 --> 00:03:13,149
Well, it's all
in the e-mail.
82
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,847
It's from the chairwoman,
Susie Haynes.
83
00:03:15,891 --> 00:03:17,632
Uh...
84
00:03:17,675 --> 00:03:19,286
Susie Haynes?
85
00:03:19,329 --> 00:03:22,289
You slept with her,
didn't you?
86
00:03:22,332 --> 00:03:24,813
Why do you sleep
with everybody?
87
00:03:24,856 --> 00:03:26,728
Let me rephrase that.
88
00:03:26,771 --> 00:03:29,731
Why does everybody
sleep with you?
89
00:03:29,774 --> 00:03:31,733
I didn't do anything.
90
00:03:31,776 --> 00:03:33,517
She's a biter.
91
00:03:33,561 --> 00:03:36,303
She bit
my Achilles tendon
during sex,
92
00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:38,305
and it wasn't
a fun little nibble.
93
00:03:38,348 --> 00:03:41,351
It was
more like a lion trying
to take down a gazelle.
94
00:03:42,613 --> 00:03:45,790
Why did she bite
your ankle during sex?
95
00:03:45,834 --> 00:03:47,923
Because I was
trying to run away.
96
00:03:49,011 --> 00:03:50,969
But I can still
get this for us.
97
00:03:51,013 --> 00:03:52,188
How?
98
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:54,538
Well, I'm not going
to sleep with her again,
99
00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:56,236
so I got to be honest.
100
00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:58,281
I'm out of ideas
for right now.
101
00:03:59,891 --> 00:04:01,850
But I will think
of something.
102
00:04:01,893 --> 00:04:05,288
Okay, people,
I am here, and I am
ready to file.
103
00:04:05,332 --> 00:04:07,377
Now, I might put
everything under "L,"
104
00:04:07,421 --> 00:04:09,553
because I am
in love, love, love.
105
00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:11,468
I thought Ray Ray
got paroled.
106
00:04:11,512 --> 00:04:13,818
Oh, no, this a new man,
a better man,
107
00:04:13,862 --> 00:04:15,777
who I'm also
calling Ray Ray.
108
00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:17,996
Last night, he gave me
a whole bouquet
109
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:19,650
of fresh weeds
picked from the yard.
110
00:04:19,694 --> 00:04:21,304
It wasn't my birthday
or nothing,
111
00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:22,697
just weeds for no reason.
112
00:04:24,655 --> 00:04:27,702
I've never gotten
weeds for no reason.
113
00:04:27,745 --> 00:04:30,879
Yeah. How come
all the good men
are in here?
114
00:04:32,315 --> 00:04:33,969
I'm sorry. I'm just--
115
00:04:34,012 --> 00:04:35,971
I'm having problems
with this Sean thing.
116
00:04:36,014 --> 00:04:38,582
I thought
that I would be able
to handle hooking up
117
00:04:38,626 --> 00:04:40,932
without a relationship,
but I can't.
118
00:04:40,976 --> 00:04:43,805
I think it's easier
if I just call it off.
119
00:04:43,848 --> 00:04:45,285
Well, I can't
believe you two
120
00:04:45,328 --> 00:04:47,243
even got together
in the first place.
121
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:51,334
You're like oil
and incredibly
annoying water.
122
00:04:51,378 --> 00:04:53,118
Yeah, he is
a little annoying.
123
00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:54,424
Yeah.
124
00:04:58,776 --> 00:05:00,952
You don't really
want to break up
with that boy.
125
00:05:00,996 --> 00:05:02,432
You just don't
wanna get hurt.
126
00:05:02,476 --> 00:05:04,434
Now, I felt
the same way
127
00:05:04,478 --> 00:05:06,262
when I started
getting busy
with Ray Ray.
128
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:09,134
I don't think
my relationship with Sean
129
00:05:09,178 --> 00:05:12,137
is the same
as your relationship
with Ray Ray.
130
00:05:12,181 --> 00:05:14,705
- Is Sean a man?
- Yeah.
131
00:05:14,749 --> 00:05:16,620
Does he pin you
against the shower wall
132
00:05:16,664 --> 00:05:19,057
and take you like you're
the last woman on Earth?
133
00:05:19,101 --> 00:05:20,842
Yeah.
134
00:05:20,885 --> 00:05:23,061
Then it is the same.
135
00:05:24,759 --> 00:05:27,414
Now, if you really want
to be his girlfriend,
136
00:05:27,457 --> 00:05:29,720
stop playing around
and tell him that's
what you want.
137
00:05:29,764 --> 00:05:32,723
You're right.
I'm going to text him
right now.
138
00:05:32,767 --> 00:05:35,247
No, you got to make him
wait a couple of days,
139
00:05:35,291 --> 00:05:36,771
see how horrible
his life is without you.
140
00:05:36,814 --> 00:05:39,208
Oh, and here.
141
00:05:39,251 --> 00:05:41,515
Give him these
142
00:05:41,558 --> 00:05:44,605
Maybe they'll
mean as much to him
as they did to me.
143
00:05:44,648 --> 00:05:47,564
Oh, and you might
want to put those
in some water.
144
00:05:50,524 --> 00:05:52,308
So, Susie, you really
don't like to use
145
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,657
a fork and knife,
do you?
146
00:05:53,701 --> 00:05:56,399
On ribs? No, I just
like to rip 'em apart.
147
00:05:57,922 --> 00:06:01,056
Yeah. It really
brings me back.
148
00:06:02,666 --> 00:06:04,320
So, anyway,
about the conference--
149
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,191
Yeah, it's not
looking good.
150
00:06:06,235 --> 00:06:07,497
Well, why not?
151
00:06:07,541 --> 00:06:08,933
I'm getting
a lot of pressure
152
00:06:08,977 --> 00:06:10,544
from the ethics
committee to choose
anyone but you.
153
00:06:10,587 --> 00:06:12,241
Boy, when those guys
get a grudge,
154
00:06:12,284 --> 00:06:13,590
they don't let go.
155
00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:15,287
It's like a dog
with a bone.
156
00:06:16,463 --> 00:06:17,812
No offense.
157
00:06:17,855 --> 00:06:20,423
Hey, guys,
sorry to interrupt.
I'm just taking off.
158
00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:22,338
No, no. No, it's fine.
Sean, this is Susie.
159
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,513
Hey, how are you?
160
00:06:23,557 --> 00:06:24,514
[ chuckles ]
161
00:06:24,558 --> 00:06:25,820
Listen, if you're
on the fence
162
00:06:25,863 --> 00:06:28,649
about hooking up
with this guy,
I'd go for it.
163
00:06:28,692 --> 00:06:31,216
Word on the street,
always brings
his "A" game.
164
00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:32,479
Well, thank you, Sean,
165
00:06:32,522 --> 00:06:34,132
for that unnecessary
166
00:06:34,176 --> 00:06:36,874
and deeply uncomfortable
testimonial.
167
00:06:38,354 --> 00:06:40,443
Anytime. What's the deal
with Jordan, man?
168
00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:42,924
I haven't gotten
a text from her
in, like, two days.
169
00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:45,187
Can we talk
about that later?
170
00:06:45,230 --> 00:06:48,190
Oh. Of course.
Yeah, yeah. Sorry.
171
00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:49,583
You guys
enjoy your date
172
00:06:49,626 --> 00:06:51,236
It's not a date.
173
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:53,151
And I always bring
my "A" game too.
174
00:06:53,195 --> 00:06:56,154
That's good to know.
175
00:06:56,198 --> 00:06:59,419
You have a--
you have a piece of meat
on your chest.
176
00:06:59,462 --> 00:07:00,681
[ gasps ]
177
00:07:00,724 --> 00:07:02,726
Thank you.
178
00:07:06,513 --> 00:07:08,558
- Sorry about that.
- No, that's fine.
179
00:07:10,168 --> 00:07:12,954
Ooh. I'd like to sink
my teeth into him.
180
00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:14,477
Is he single?
181
00:07:14,521 --> 00:07:17,654
Yeah, he just stopped
seeing someone.
182
00:07:17,698 --> 00:07:21,092
He just
doesn't know it yet.
183
00:07:22,267 --> 00:07:23,660
You know,
I might be able
184
00:07:23,704 --> 00:07:25,488
to hook you guys up if...
185
00:07:25,532 --> 00:07:27,882
If I help you
and your partner
186
00:07:27,925 --> 00:07:29,536
get the keynote
speakers' position?
187
00:07:29,579 --> 00:07:31,451
Well, thanks
for saying that.
188
00:07:31,494 --> 00:07:34,323
Now I don't have
to feel all dirty
about bribing you.
189
00:07:34,366 --> 00:07:37,021
No problem.
Oh, by the way,
190
00:07:37,065 --> 00:07:38,414
how's that ankle
doing?
191
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:41,417
I put vitamin E
on the scar every day.
192
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:43,463
It makes me
think of you.
193
00:07:51,645 --> 00:07:54,343
Hey. Can you talk now?
194
00:07:54,386 --> 00:07:56,345
Yeah.
195
00:07:56,388 --> 00:07:58,739
Look, I didn't want
to say anything
in front of Susie,
196
00:07:58,782 --> 00:08:00,741
but Jordan
told me today
197
00:08:00,784 --> 00:08:03,352
that she's
going to call it off
with you.
198
00:08:03,395 --> 00:08:05,006
Wait, what? Why?
199
00:08:05,049 --> 00:08:06,616
She's Jordan.
200
00:08:06,660 --> 00:08:08,270
She doesn't know
what she wants.
201
00:08:08,313 --> 00:08:10,054
I tell you who does
know what she wants.
202
00:08:10,098 --> 00:08:12,622
Susie,
and she wants you.
203
00:08:12,666 --> 00:08:15,451
Wait a minute.
So Jordan's going
to call it off with me,
204
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,974
but she didn't even
bother texting me?
205
00:08:17,018 --> 00:08:19,629
You know who always
texts back? Susie.
206
00:08:19,673 --> 00:08:22,066
She does this
cute little thing
with parenthesis
207
00:08:22,110 --> 00:08:25,156
that makes 'em
look like boobs.
It's fantastic.
208
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,550
Listen, no one loves
a set of parenthe-boobs
209
00:08:27,594 --> 00:08:29,160
more than I do, but...
210
00:08:29,204 --> 00:08:30,553
I got to be honest, man.
211
00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:33,251
I'm a little hurt
about this Jordan thing.
212
00:08:33,295 --> 00:08:34,601
A little hurt?
213
00:08:34,644 --> 00:08:36,254
Who are you?
214
00:08:36,298 --> 00:08:38,779
Is this the same guy
who banged two girls
in a bunk bed
215
00:08:38,822 --> 00:08:40,737
unbeknownst to each other?
216
00:08:41,869 --> 00:08:43,261
Believe me,
it was beknownst.
217
00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:46,047
Look, you can't
let this get to you.
218
00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:48,571
You gotta move on.
When's the last time
you heard from her?
219
00:08:48,615 --> 00:08:50,399
[ sighs ] Two days ago.
220
00:08:50,442 --> 00:08:52,009
The Sean I know
221
00:08:52,053 --> 00:08:54,011
would have moved on
three days ago.
222
00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:55,447
I just--
you know what?
223
00:08:55,491 --> 00:08:58,407
I need to hear from her
if it's overover.
224
00:08:58,450 --> 00:09:01,149
You mean does she like
like you?
225
00:09:01,192 --> 00:09:03,194
When I go to homeroom,
226
00:09:03,238 --> 00:09:05,153
I'll ask Eddie what
he's heard from Becky.
227
00:09:08,199 --> 00:09:10,027
You're right.
What am I doing?
228
00:09:10,071 --> 00:09:12,377
I'm not the jackass
who gets upset
229
00:09:12,421 --> 00:09:14,249
when someone
doesn't call.
230
00:09:14,292 --> 00:09:16,077
I'm the jackass
who doesn't call.
231
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:17,774
- Yes, you are.
- Yes.
232
00:09:17,818 --> 00:09:19,297
So what are you
going to do?
233
00:09:19,341 --> 00:09:21,604
I'm going to go out
with Susie, and to hell
with Jordan.
234
00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:23,040
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
235
00:09:23,084 --> 00:09:25,260
Anybody get the name
of the man that
just walked in?
236
00:09:25,303 --> 00:09:26,566
- Sean!
- Louder!
237
00:09:26,609 --> 00:09:28,045
- I'm Sean!
- That's right!
238
00:09:28,089 --> 00:09:29,569
- Wake the neighbors!
- I am your neighbors!
239
00:09:29,612 --> 00:09:31,658
- I meant the Judsons!
- I don't even know
the Judsons!
240
00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:32,746
Oh, they're
nice people.
241
00:09:32,789 --> 00:09:34,312
Son just went off
to college.
242
00:09:34,356 --> 00:09:35,705
Dad works
in advertising.
243
00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:38,316
Oh, okay.
I'll introduce myself.
244
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:40,275
- Tell 'em I said hi.
- I will.
245
00:09:42,277 --> 00:09:45,019
Okay, if we're
going to shoot me
coming out of a coma,
246
00:09:45,062 --> 00:09:46,411
we're going
to do it my way.
247
00:09:46,455 --> 00:09:48,196
I'm going to lie
in the bed over here.
248
00:09:48,239 --> 00:09:50,677
Ed, you smell
like a hospital,
249
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,679
so you'll play
the doctor.
250
00:09:52,722 --> 00:09:54,768
Can I be
a rodeo doctor
251
00:09:54,811 --> 00:09:56,683
who's seen
too many head injuries
252
00:09:56,726 --> 00:09:59,033
and it's
driving him to drink?
253
00:09:59,076 --> 00:10:00,425
You only have two lines,
254
00:10:00,469 --> 00:10:01,862
"Oh, my God,"
and, "She's awake."
255
00:10:01,905 --> 00:10:05,822
Hmm. How 'bout,
"Good Lord,"
256
00:10:05,866 --> 00:10:08,956
and, "She's conscious"?
257
00:10:08,999 --> 00:10:10,566
Why is that better?
258
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,350
Well, it seems
more like
259
00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:16,354
what Dr. Cody Bullwhip
would say.
260
00:10:16,398 --> 00:10:17,442
Okay, you're
a weird old man.
261
00:10:19,662 --> 00:10:23,013
Patrick, I want you
to direct.
262
00:10:23,057 --> 00:10:24,319
Really?
263
00:10:24,362 --> 00:10:26,887
So you want
to put this face
264
00:10:26,930 --> 00:10:29,193
behind the camera.
265
00:10:29,237 --> 00:10:31,631
That's
an interesting choice.
266
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,242
What do you
want me to play?
267
00:10:34,285 --> 00:10:36,287
You're going to play
the part of the male nurse
268
00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:37,637
who notices
my finger twitching
269
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:39,247
and calls over
the doctor.
270
00:10:39,290 --> 00:10:41,292
What if I give you
a passionate kiss
on the lips
271
00:10:41,336 --> 00:10:43,294
that wakes you
like "Sleeping Beauty."
272
00:10:43,338 --> 00:10:45,732
- No.
- Okay. Have it your way.
273
00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:48,256
I'll just swing by
274
00:10:48,299 --> 00:10:49,649
and give you
a sponge bath.
275
00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:51,389
No. And you know what?
276
00:10:51,433 --> 00:10:52,739
Now you can't be
the male nurse.
277
00:10:52,782 --> 00:10:54,697
Now you have
to be a priest.
278
00:10:54,741 --> 00:10:57,221
Not a horny janitor,
not a perverted orderly,
279
00:10:57,265 --> 00:10:59,006
not a Make-a-Wish kid
with a boner,
280
00:10:59,049 --> 00:11:00,355
a priest.
281
00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:02,400
A priest?
282
00:11:02,444 --> 00:11:04,315
Yes, who comes over
283
00:11:04,359 --> 00:11:06,317
to administer
my last rites
284
00:11:06,361 --> 00:11:07,971
right before
I suddenly wake up.
285
00:11:08,015 --> 00:11:09,538
Okay, okay.
I'll be a priest.
286
00:11:09,581 --> 00:11:11,148
But just
to let you know,
287
00:11:11,192 --> 00:11:12,541
right before
my grandmother died,
288
00:11:12,584 --> 00:11:14,674
the priest
tongue-kissed her
pretty hard.
289
00:11:16,414 --> 00:11:18,416
I'm just trying
to make it real.
290
00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:21,811
Hey.
291
00:11:21,855 --> 00:11:23,073
Hey.
292
00:11:23,117 --> 00:11:24,640
Guess who's
going to be
the keynote speakers
293
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,555
at the A.P.A.
convention.
294
00:11:26,598 --> 00:11:27,643
I don't know. Us?
295
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,601
Close. Us!
296
00:11:31,255 --> 00:11:33,257
- Isn't that fantastic?
- It's great.
297
00:11:33,301 --> 00:11:35,172
Yeah, we'll talk
about our partnership,
298
00:11:35,216 --> 00:11:36,783
how I'm an optimistic
go-getter,
299
00:11:36,826 --> 00:11:38,654
and you're
a giant downer
of a wet blanket.
300
00:11:40,395 --> 00:11:42,092
I drove by Sean's house
this morning,
301
00:11:42,136 --> 00:11:43,746
and I saw
another woman coming out.
302
00:11:43,790 --> 00:11:46,357
I can't believe he would
have sex with someone
and not tell me.
303
00:11:46,401 --> 00:11:49,360
Why does that matter?
You said you were
going to call it off.
304
00:11:49,404 --> 00:11:51,885
No, I said it would be
easier if I called it off.
305
00:11:51,928 --> 00:11:53,669
That's the same thing
as calling it off.
306
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:56,106
I changed my mind,
so I called off
the call-off.
307
00:11:56,150 --> 00:11:57,499
You can't call off
the call-off
308
00:11:57,542 --> 00:11:59,240
without telling me
you're calling off
the call-off.
309
00:11:59,283 --> 00:12:01,242
Why do I have to tell you?
310
00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:02,634
Because communication
is key
311
00:12:02,678 --> 00:12:04,636
if I'm gonna be
a part of you guys'
relationship.
312
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:05,725
You're not.
313
00:12:05,768 --> 00:12:07,552
Well, sure,
not after this.
314
00:12:07,596 --> 00:12:10,555
You know what? I am
going to go over there,
315
00:12:10,599 --> 00:12:12,819
and I am going
to tell him
how hurt I am.
316
00:12:12,862 --> 00:12:14,124
No, no, no. No, no, no.
317
00:12:14,168 --> 00:12:15,517
We got to get
to the conference.
318
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,127
Besides, you'll just
look pathetic.
319
00:12:17,171 --> 00:12:18,433
Tell you what.
320
00:12:18,476 --> 00:12:21,175
I'll go over
and tell him
how you feel tomorrow.
321
00:12:21,218 --> 00:12:22,263
Why you?
322
00:12:22,306 --> 00:12:24,744
Because I'm his buddy.
323
00:12:24,787 --> 00:12:26,876
If you go,
he'll just feel cornered
324
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:28,269
and try to blame
somebody else.
325
00:12:28,312 --> 00:12:30,140
Who the hell
is he going to blame?
326
00:12:30,184 --> 00:12:31,446
I don't know.
327
00:12:31,489 --> 00:12:33,317
Everybody's
blaming everybody
for everything.
328
00:12:33,361 --> 00:12:35,102
You're blaming him for
going out with a woman.
329
00:12:35,145 --> 00:12:37,147
You're blaming me
for setting him up
with that woman.
330
00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:39,280
I am not blaming you
for that.
331
00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:41,238
Oh. Well, good.
332
00:12:41,282 --> 00:12:42,326
Let's keep it
that way.
333
00:12:48,724 --> 00:12:50,334
Round up the horses.
334
00:12:50,378 --> 00:12:51,945
Close up the barn.
335
00:12:51,988 --> 00:12:56,210
Dr. Cody Bullwhip
is pulling the plug.
336
00:13:00,431 --> 00:13:01,781
Hello?
337
00:13:01,824 --> 00:13:04,392
Where am I?
338
00:13:04,435 --> 00:13:06,176
Yee-hah!
339
00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:08,309
My patient
has woken up,
340
00:13:08,352 --> 00:13:11,442
no thanks to Obamacare.
341
00:13:12,574 --> 00:13:14,968
I am so moved,
I am giving up
the priesthood
342
00:13:15,011 --> 00:13:17,492
to marry this woman.
343
00:13:17,535 --> 00:13:18,406
Cut!
344
00:13:18,449 --> 00:13:19,711
That's it!
345
00:13:19,755 --> 00:13:21,322
Patrick,
from now on,
346
00:13:21,365 --> 00:13:22,627
you're
the priest.
347
00:13:22,671 --> 00:13:24,238
Nolan, you're
the director.
348
00:13:24,281 --> 00:13:25,630
I'm the director?
Excellent.
349
00:13:25,674 --> 00:13:27,241
All right,
we're going to need
350
00:13:27,284 --> 00:13:28,764
a green screen for
the special effects,
351
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:29,983
a crane
for camera two,
352
00:13:30,026 --> 00:13:31,549
and we should wait
for the light
353
00:13:31,593 --> 00:13:32,724
to come in
from the north.
354
00:13:32,768 --> 00:13:35,510
Just get over there,
and press the button.
355
00:13:35,553 --> 00:13:36,728
Okay, but it's
going to suck.
356
00:13:40,515 --> 00:13:41,559
Okay, good. Good.
357
00:13:41,603 --> 00:13:43,474
You're going over
the speech.
358
00:13:43,518 --> 00:13:45,825
Don't be nervous.
We're going to rock.
359
00:13:45,868 --> 00:13:48,653
Trust me.
I am not nervous,
360
00:13:48,697 --> 00:13:50,960
and I am
already rocking.
361
00:13:52,135 --> 00:13:53,963
Okay, now, I'm going
to start with a joke,
362
00:13:54,007 --> 00:13:55,356
and then you can do
the introduction.
363
00:13:55,399 --> 00:13:57,793
Why do you get
to do the joke?
364
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,795
Because I'm funny
at cocktail parties,
365
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,666
and you're the girl
throwing up in the pool
366
00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:03,059
who ruins it
for everyone.
367
00:14:04,234 --> 00:14:05,322
[ sighs ]
368
00:14:05,366 --> 00:14:06,541
You're drunk right now.
369
00:14:06,584 --> 00:14:07,585
[ scoffs ]
370
00:14:07,629 --> 00:14:09,718
I've only had one,
371
00:14:09,761 --> 00:14:11,067
counting this one
372
00:14:11,111 --> 00:14:13,330
and the one
before that
373
00:14:13,374 --> 00:14:16,116
and the big one
while I was doing
my makeup.
374
00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:17,813
[ scoffs ]
375
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:20,033
Now you decide to drink?
Now?!
376
00:14:20,076 --> 00:14:21,338
Well, it is
not about Sean.
377
00:14:21,382 --> 00:14:22,949
I will tell you
that much.
378
00:14:22,992 --> 00:14:25,038
Okay, so it's about Sean.
379
00:14:25,081 --> 00:14:27,954
Charlie,
you know me so well.
380
00:14:27,997 --> 00:14:30,521
You are
such a good partner.
381
00:14:30,565 --> 00:14:32,306
You could have the joke.
382
00:14:33,655 --> 00:14:34,656
Thanks.
383
00:14:36,092 --> 00:14:37,920
Jordan, I need
to talk to you.
384
00:14:37,964 --> 00:14:40,096
Sean, what the hell
are you doing here?
385
00:14:40,140 --> 00:14:42,142
She can't talk right now.
We're about to go on.
386
00:14:42,185 --> 00:14:43,621
Did you get
my message,
you jerk?
387
00:14:43,665 --> 00:14:46,059
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. I told you
not to talk to him,
388
00:14:46,102 --> 00:14:47,669
and you go ahead
and leave a message?
389
00:14:47,712 --> 00:14:49,932
What is up with this
level of deception here?
390
00:14:49,976 --> 00:14:51,673
You know what?
I'm confused also,
391
00:14:51,716 --> 00:14:53,675
because you said
that you were mad at me
392
00:14:53,718 --> 00:14:55,024
for hooking up
with that girl,
393
00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:56,983
but Charlie told me
that you were
done with me.
394
00:14:57,026 --> 00:14:58,549
You said what?
395
00:14:58,593 --> 00:15:02,597
I didn't know you
were going to call off
the call-off.
396
00:15:04,468 --> 00:15:07,297
I set him up
with Susie
397
00:15:07,341 --> 00:15:10,257
because that's
the only way she'd let us
do the speech.
398
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:11,998
So you
pimped him out?!
399
00:15:12,041 --> 00:15:14,130
That woman bit me.
400
00:15:15,131 --> 00:15:18,091
Charlie, I had to go
to the E.R.
401
00:15:18,134 --> 00:15:20,267
Look, I think
we can all agree
402
00:15:20,310 --> 00:15:21,964
that my only crime here
403
00:15:22,008 --> 00:15:24,097
is that I manipulated
your relationship
404
00:15:24,140 --> 00:15:26,142
so I could
give a speech.
405
00:15:26,186 --> 00:15:27,230
What?
406
00:15:27,274 --> 00:15:29,015
That way,
we can share
the blame
407
00:15:29,058 --> 00:15:30,712
and all move on.
408
00:15:32,409 --> 00:15:33,976
Excuse me,
are you two
409
00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:35,499
delivering the speech
on successful
partnerships?
410
00:15:35,543 --> 00:15:37,675
- That's us.
- Good. You're on.
411
00:15:38,894 --> 00:15:40,200
You ready, partner?
412
00:15:40,243 --> 00:15:43,812
I hate you so much
right now.
413
00:15:43,855 --> 00:15:45,248
Cool. Let's do this.
414
00:15:58,131 --> 00:15:59,871
Good evening,
fellow therapists.
415
00:15:59,915 --> 00:16:01,656
I'm Charlie Goodson.
416
00:16:01,699 --> 00:16:03,353
Think you all
know me.
417
00:16:03,397 --> 00:16:05,138
I know the guys
in the ethics board do.
418
00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:07,183
Hey, I got
my clothes on,
and I'm sober,
419
00:16:07,227 --> 00:16:09,272
so I know one of you
lost of a bet.
420
00:16:11,057 --> 00:16:14,016
And I am Dr. Jordan Denby,
421
00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:16,323
and we are
your keynote speakers
422
00:16:16,366 --> 00:16:18,194
here at this
special conference
423
00:16:18,238 --> 00:16:20,892
about
working partnerships,
424
00:16:20,936 --> 00:16:22,459
how the good ones work,
425
00:16:22,503 --> 00:16:24,113
and why
some of them don't.
426
00:16:26,246 --> 00:16:28,161
Thank you, Dr. Denby.
427
00:16:28,204 --> 00:16:29,640
Ahem.
428
00:16:31,251 --> 00:16:32,600
Masters and Johnson,
429
00:16:32,643 --> 00:16:34,254
Watson and Crick,
430
00:16:34,297 --> 00:16:37,257
Madame
and Monsieur Marie,
431
00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:38,562
what is the one thing
432
00:16:38,606 --> 00:16:41,565
that all of
these partnerships
have in common?
433
00:16:41,609 --> 00:16:44,003
The word "and."
[ laughs ]
434
00:16:46,396 --> 00:16:48,746
But they also share
something else,
435
00:16:48,790 --> 00:16:50,966
mutual respect,
436
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:53,882
understanding,
and honesty.
437
00:16:53,925 --> 00:16:55,797
Go ahead, Charlie.
438
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:59,322
Tell these people
about honesty.
439
00:16:59,366 --> 00:17:01,020
This'll be fun.
440
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:05,894
Well, honesty is,
of course,
441
00:17:05,937 --> 00:17:08,897
the foundation
of any healthy
relationship.
442
00:17:08,940 --> 00:17:10,899
However,
there are times
443
00:17:10,942 --> 00:17:12,727
when one must
finesse the truth
444
00:17:12,770 --> 00:17:15,164
in order to serve
the greater good.
445
00:17:15,208 --> 00:17:19,168
Like if you have
to completely screw over
your partner
446
00:17:19,212 --> 00:17:23,303
just to get a speaking gig
at a stupid conference.
447
00:17:24,826 --> 00:17:26,828
Is something
your partner might say
448
00:17:26,871 --> 00:17:29,091
if they
wanted to express
themselves freely
449
00:17:29,135 --> 00:17:33,008
or if Jim Beam
wanted to express
himself freely.
450
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,141
You are human scum.
451
00:17:35,184 --> 00:17:36,446
Is the type of thing
you might
452
00:17:36,490 --> 00:17:38,013
not want to say
to your partner,
453
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,102
especially
in a public forum.
454
00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:41,582
Screw you.
455
00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:44,802
Well done, Jordan.
456
00:17:45,847 --> 00:17:48,197
So, in conclusion,
457
00:17:48,241 --> 00:17:49,894
partnerships
are awesome.
458
00:17:51,766 --> 00:17:54,464
And on a more
personal note
to the ethics board,
459
00:17:54,508 --> 00:17:56,118
you still suck.
460
00:17:57,163 --> 00:17:58,164
Whoo!
461
00:17:58,207 --> 00:17:59,121
[ chuckles ]
462
00:17:59,165 --> 00:18:00,818
My man.
463
00:18:03,386 --> 00:18:06,128
Where am I?
464
00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:08,174
You're
in the hospital,
Lacey.
465
00:18:08,217 --> 00:18:11,220
You've just
come out of a coma.
466
00:18:11,264 --> 00:18:12,700
It's a miracle.
467
00:18:12,743 --> 00:18:14,354
Thank you,
Jesus.
468
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,272
Oh, my God.
469
00:18:19,315 --> 00:18:22,231
I went to the other side
for a second.
470
00:18:22,275 --> 00:18:24,799
Heaven was amazing.
471
00:18:24,842 --> 00:18:27,323
I had all the clothes
I could wear
472
00:18:27,367 --> 00:18:30,326
and an Audi A6.
473
00:18:30,370 --> 00:18:33,024
Everyone else
wore Old Navy
474
00:18:33,068 --> 00:18:34,722
and took the bus.
475
00:18:37,290 --> 00:18:38,987
- Hmm.
- I don't understand.
476
00:18:39,030 --> 00:18:40,336
You're out
of the coma,
477
00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:41,990
they know you're fine,
478
00:18:42,033 --> 00:18:43,383
but they keep
sending money.
479
00:18:43,426 --> 00:18:45,211
Look at these stats.
480
00:18:45,254 --> 00:18:48,910
Since yesterday,
you've made
over $14,000.
481
00:18:48,953 --> 00:18:50,172
$14,000?
482
00:18:50,216 --> 00:18:53,044
That's, like,
two purses and
a French bulldog.
483
00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:55,177
It's crazy.
484
00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:57,353
LordBangsALot
from Lewisburg, PA,
485
00:18:57,397 --> 00:19:00,182
is offering
3,000 more for your
post-coma virginity.
486
00:19:00,226 --> 00:19:01,227
[ gasps ]
487
00:19:01,270 --> 00:19:02,489
I'd go for it.
488
00:19:02,532 --> 00:19:04,143
Ever since
Princess Bangs A Lot
489
00:19:04,186 --> 00:19:05,970
died in that
car wreck, I hear
he's heartbroken.
490
00:19:07,102 --> 00:19:10,061
$3,000 to have sex
with someone
491
00:19:10,105 --> 00:19:11,802
who just came out
of a coma?
492
00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:13,674
That's disgusting.
493
00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:16,633
I mean, that's got to be
his opening offer, right?
494
00:19:17,939 --> 00:19:19,854
You know what?
We can't do this.
495
00:19:19,897 --> 00:19:21,377
I say
we give the money
496
00:19:21,421 --> 00:19:23,858
to that Pakistani
woman you stole
the idea from.
497
00:19:23,901 --> 00:19:25,251
Bring up the site,
Patrick.
498
00:19:31,213 --> 00:19:32,432
There she is.
499
00:19:32,475 --> 00:19:34,477
Ah, look at her,
500
00:19:34,521 --> 00:19:36,044
so peaceful.
501
00:19:36,087 --> 00:19:38,307
Wait. Did she just twitch?
502
00:19:38,351 --> 00:19:41,441
Oh, my God.
She's waking up.
503
00:19:41,484 --> 00:19:43,051
She's such a faker.
504
00:19:43,094 --> 00:19:44,400
Look, she's fine.
She's dancing.
505
00:19:44,444 --> 00:19:46,010
That's a seizure.
506
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,665
And she's dead.
507
00:19:51,364 --> 00:19:52,495
[ sighs ]
508
00:19:52,539 --> 00:19:54,367
They should have
called Bullwhip.
509
00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:56,151
Bullwhip would
have saved her.
510
00:19:58,501 --> 00:20:01,287
So what did the doctor
say about the bite?
511
00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:03,593
Oh, that's terrible, Sean.
512
00:20:04,855 --> 00:20:06,292
Of course I'll
come over tonight.
513
00:20:06,335 --> 00:20:08,032
Bye, sweetie.
514
00:20:08,076 --> 00:20:10,774
It's infected. Good.
515
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:15,649
Here you go.
516
00:20:15,692 --> 00:20:17,346
I picked these out
especially for you.
517
00:20:17,390 --> 00:20:20,697
You don't need to keep
making peace offerings,
Charlie.
518
00:20:20,741 --> 00:20:22,308
I've already forgiven you
519
00:20:22,351 --> 00:20:23,874
as much as I'm
going to forgive you.
520
00:20:23,918 --> 00:20:25,615
Now you're just
putting pounds on my ass.
521
00:20:25,659 --> 00:20:27,791
So flowers
make you sneeze.
522
00:20:27,835 --> 00:20:29,489
Donuts make you fat.
523
00:20:29,532 --> 00:20:31,578
What else can I
possibly get you
524
00:20:31,621 --> 00:20:33,232
from Gary's Flowers
and Donuts
525
00:20:33,275 --> 00:20:34,668
at the end of my street?
526
00:20:34,711 --> 00:20:37,671
Okay, I forgive you.
527
00:20:37,714 --> 00:20:40,282
Besides,
things are going good
between me and Sean.
528
00:20:40,326 --> 00:20:43,154
So you're boyfriend
and girlfriend?
529
00:20:43,198 --> 00:20:44,721
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
530
00:20:44,765 --> 00:20:48,508
We have acknowledged
that we have feelings
for each other,
531
00:20:48,551 --> 00:20:50,161
and we're going
to continue having sex,
532
00:20:50,205 --> 00:20:51,511
but only with each other.
533
00:20:51,554 --> 00:20:53,164
See the difference?
534
00:20:53,208 --> 00:20:54,688
Oh, of course.
535
00:20:54,731 --> 00:20:57,038
It's like
night and night.
536
00:20:58,648 --> 00:21:00,476
But tell me,
537
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,349
do you think
that Sean and I
538
00:21:03,392 --> 00:21:05,089
could ever make it
as a real couple?
539
00:21:05,133 --> 00:21:06,395
Be honest with me.
540
00:21:06,439 --> 00:21:08,354
Really honest?
541
00:21:08,397 --> 00:21:10,617
Yes, about everything.
542
00:21:10,660 --> 00:21:12,358
Okay.
543
00:21:12,401 --> 00:21:14,055
I found those donuts
544
00:21:14,098 --> 00:21:16,362
sitting on a Dumpster
behind the building.
545
00:21:19,539 --> 00:21:21,584
You know what?
546
00:21:21,628 --> 00:21:24,239
I'm not even
going to give you
the satisfaction.
38375
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