Original subtitles

Okay, this is going to be a shock,

but I think it's important that you see it.

Is it going to be you in a Speedo?

'Cause we got it. You lost five pounds.

You look great.

Thank you, but no.

This is something very serious.

Oh, my God. That's Lacey.

Charlie: IndianGirlinaComa.com?

"Click here to donate"?

What the hell happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

She was walking down the street,

and, wham, it hit her out of nowhere.

The fastest way to make money is a charity scam.

I can't believe Lacey.

How could she set up a Web site like this?

What, you didn't think she'd stoop so low?

Well, of course she would.

It just looks great. I don't know how

she could set up a Web site like this.

Actually, I'm the one who set it up.

So why are you selling her out?

Well, because it's immoral, it's illegal,

and she promised me half of the profits,

and I haven't seen a nickel.

Because there probably aren't any profits.

Like to believe that people are a little too savvy these days

to send money to a girl

in sexy lingerie who's supposed to be in a coma.

Sorry I'm late, everybody. I was out shopping.

So, Lacey,

where'd you get the money?

I found it in my couch.

Oh, really?

Oh, look. It's someone who looks just like me,

that isn't me on TV.

You told.

You made $5,000,

and you didn't give me my half.

You can't split 5,000 in half.

It's an odd number.

Lacey, of all the selfish, narcissistic,

unethical things you've ever done,

this is easily

the most recent.

Well, your point of view

is very different from the people who wrote,

"#TragicButHot."

You've got to stop doing this.

You're taking money from people under false pretenses.

#ThisIsAFelony.

That's not fair, Charlie.

There's a Pakistani woman doing the exact same thing.

I have to say, though--

and I don't usually say this--

she's too skinny.

Well, maybe it's easier for her to get away with it

because she's in a real coma.

[ men whistling ]

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

There was a bear on the freeway

chewing on a cop's cellphone.

Nothing I could do.

So, in other words,

you spent all night having sex with some woman.

How did you know that?

Chewing and cellphone

are fairly obvious as to what they represent.

Oh, yeah. Look at that.

It's amazing what my subconscious does

all on its own.

Okay, so here's what you missed.

You know the A.P.A. conference we have coming up?

The theme is successful partnerships,

and they're considering us for the keynote speakers.

Oh, man. After all the hassles

those morons on the ethics committee put me through,

they'd hate to have me on that stage.

Whose cellphone do we got to chew to get this gig?

Well, it's all in the e-mail.

It's from the chairwoman, Susie Haynes.

Uh...

Susie Haynes?

You slept with her, didn't you?

Why do you sleep with everybody?

Let me rephrase that.

Why does everybody sleep with you?

I didn't do anything.

She's a biter.

She bit my Achilles tendon during sex,

and it wasn't a fun little nibble.

It was more like a lion trying to take down a gazelle.

Why did she bite your ankle during sex?

Because I was trying to run away.

But I can still get this for us.

How?

Well, I'm not going to sleep with her again,

so I got to be honest.

I'm out of ideas for right now.

But I will think of something.

Okay, people, I am here, and I am ready to file.

Now, I might put everything under "L,"

because I am in love, love, love.

I thought Ray Ray got paroled.

Oh, no, this a new man, a better man,

who I'm also calling Ray Ray.

Last night, he gave me a whole bouquet

of fresh weeds picked from the yard.

It wasn't my birthday or nothing,

just weeds for no reason.

I've never gotten weeds for no reason.

Yeah. How come all the good men are in here?

I'm sorry. I'm just--

I'm having problems with this Sean thing.

I thought that I would be able to handle hooking up

without a relationship, but I can't.

I think it's easier if I just call it off.

Well, I can't believe you two

even got together in the first place.

You're like oil and incredibly annoying water.

Yeah, he is a little annoying.

Yeah.

You don't really want to break up with that boy.

You just don't wanna get hurt.

Now, I felt the same way

when I started getting busy with Ray Ray.

I don't think my relationship with Sean

is the same as your relationship with Ray Ray.

- Is Sean a man? - Yeah.

Does he pin you against the shower wall

and take you like you're the last woman on Earth?

Yeah.

Then it is the same.

Now, if you really want to be his girlfriend,

stop playing around and tell him that's what you want.

You're right. I'm going to text him right now.

No, you got to make him wait a couple of days,

see how horrible his life is without you.

Oh, and here.

Give him these

Maybe they'll mean as much to him as they did to me.

Oh, and you might want to put those in some water.

So, Susie, you really don't like to use

a fork and knife, do you?

On ribs? No, I just like to rip 'em apart.

Yeah. It really brings me back.

So, anyway, about the conference--

Yeah, it's not looking good.

Well, why not?

I'm getting a lot of pressure

from the ethics committee to choose anyone but you.

Boy, when those guys get a grudge,

they don't let go.

It's like a dog with a bone.

No offense.

Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt. I'm just taking off.

No, no. No, it's fine. Sean, this is Susie.

Hey, how are you?

[ chuckles ]

Listen, if you're on the fence

about hooking up with this guy, I'd go for it.

Word on the street, always brings his "A" game.

Well, thank you, Sean,

for that unnecessary

and deeply uncomfortable testimonial.

Anytime. What's the deal with Jordan, man?

I haven't gotten a text from her in, like, two days.

Can we talk about that later?

Oh. Of course. Yeah, yeah. Sorry.

You guys enjoy your date

It's not a date.

And I always bring my "A" game too.

That's good to know.

You have a-- you have a piece of meat on your chest.

[ gasps ]

Thank you.

- Sorry about that. - No, that's fine.

Ooh. I'd like to sink my teeth into him.

Is he single?

Yeah, he just stopped seeing someone.

He just doesn't know it yet.

You know, I might be able

to hook you guys up if...

If I help you and your partner

get the keynote speakers' position?

Well, thanks for saying that.

Now I don't have to feel all dirty about bribing you.

No problem. Oh, by the way,

how's that ankle doing?

I put vitamin E on the scar every day.

It makes me think of you.

Hey. Can you talk now?

Yeah.

Look, I didn't want to say anything in front of Susie,

but Jordan told me today

that she's going to call it off with you.

Wait, what? Why?

She's Jordan.

She doesn't know what she wants.

I tell you who does know what she wants.

Susie, and she wants you.

Wait a minute. So Jordan's going to call it off with me,

but she didn't even bother texting me?

You know who always texts back? Susie.

She does this cute little thing with parenthesis

that makes 'em look like boobs. It's fantastic.

Listen, no one loves a set of parenthe-boobs

more than I do, but...

I got to be honest, man.

I'm a little hurt about this Jordan thing.

A little hurt?

Who are you?

Is this the same guy who banged two girls in a bunk bed

unbeknownst to each other?

Believe me, it was beknownst.

Look, you can't let this get to you.

You gotta move on. When's the last time you heard from her?

[ sighs ] Two days ago.

The Sean I know

would have moved on three days ago.

I just-- you know what?

I need to hear from her if it's overover.

You mean does she like like you?

When I go to homeroom,

I'll ask Eddie what he's heard from Becky.

You're right. What am I doing?

I'm not the jackass who gets upset

when someone doesn't call.

I'm the jackass who doesn't call.

- Yes, you are. - Yes.

So what are you going to do?

I'm going to go out with Susie, and to hell with Jordan.

- Yeah. - Yeah!

Anybody get the name of the man that just walked in?

- Sean! - Louder!

- I'm Sean! - That's right!

- Wake the neighbors! - I am your neighbors!

- I meant the Judsons! - I don't even know the Judsons!

Oh, they're nice people.

Son just went off to college.

Dad works in advertising.

Oh, okay. I'll introduce myself.

- Tell 'em I said hi. - I will.

Okay, if we're going to shoot me coming out of a coma,

we're going to do it my way.

I'm going to lie in the bed over here.

Ed, you smell like a hospital,

so you'll play the doctor.

Can I be a rodeo doctor

who's seen too many head injuries

and it's driving him to drink?

You only have two lines,

"Oh, my God," and, "She's awake."

Hmm. How 'bout, "Good Lord,"

and, "She's conscious"?

Why is that better?

Well, it seems more like

what Dr. Cody Bullwhip would say.

Okay, you're a weird old man.

Patrick, I want you to direct.

Really?

So you want to put this face

behind the camera.

That's an interesting choice.

What do you want me to play?

You're going to play the part of the male nurse

who notices my finger twitching

and calls over the doctor.

What if I give you a passionate kiss on the lips

that wakes you like "Sleeping Beauty."

- No. - Okay. Have it your way.

I'll just swing by

and give you a sponge bath.

No. And you know what?

Now you can't be the male nurse.

Now you have to be a priest.

Not a horny janitor, not a perverted orderly,

not a Make-a-Wish kid with a boner,

a priest.

A priest?

Yes, who comes over

to administer my last rites

right before I suddenly wake up.

Okay, okay. I'll be a priest.

But just to let you know,

right before my grandmother died,

the priest tongue-kissed her pretty hard.

I'm just trying to make it real.

Hey.

Hey.

Guess who's going to be the keynote speakers

at the A.P.A. convention.

I don't know. Us?

Close. Us!

- Isn't that fantastic? - It's great.

Yeah, we'll talk about our partnership,

how I'm an optimistic go-getter,

and you're a giant downer of a wet blanket.

I drove by Sean's house this morning,

and I saw another woman coming out.

I can't believe he would have sex with someone and not tell me.

Why does that matter? You said you were going to call it off.

No, I said it would be easier if I called it off.

That's the same thing as calling it off.

I changed my mind, so I called off the call-off.

You can't call off the call-off

without telling me you're calling off the call-off.

Why do I have to tell you?

Because communication is key

if I'm gonna be a part of you guys' relationship.

You're not.

Well, sure, not after this.

You know what? I am going to go over there,

and I am going to tell him how hurt I am.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

We got to get to the conference.

Besides, you'll just look pathetic.

Tell you what.

I'll go over and tell him how you feel tomorrow.

Why you?

Because I'm his buddy.

If you go, he'll just feel cornered

and try to blame somebody else.

Who the hell is he going to blame?

I don't know.

Everybody's blaming everybody for everything.

You're blaming him for going out with a woman.

You're blaming me for setting him up with that woman.

I am not blaming you for that.

Oh. Well, good.

Let's keep it that way.

Round up the horses.

Close up the barn.

Dr. Cody Bullwhip is pulling the plug.

Hello?

Where am I?

Yee-hah!

My patient has woken up,

no thanks to Obamacare.

I am so moved, I am giving up the priesthood

to marry this woman.

Cut!

That's it!

Patrick, from now on,

you're the priest.

Nolan, you're the director.

I'm the director? Excellent.

All right, we're going to need

a green screen for the special effects,

a crane for camera two,

and we should wait for the light

to come in from the north.

Just get over there, and press the button.

Okay, but it's going to suck.

Okay, good. Good.

You're going over the speech.

Don't be nervous. We're going to rock.

Trust me. I am not nervous,

and I am already rocking.

Okay, now, I'm going to start with a joke,

and then you can do the introduction.

Why do you get to do the joke?

Because I'm funny at cocktail parties,

and you're the girl throwing up in the pool

who ruins it for everyone.

[ sighs ]

You're drunk right now.

[ scoffs ]

I've only had one,

counting this one

and the one before that

and the big one while I was doing my makeup.

[ scoffs ]

Now you decide to drink? Now?!

Well, it is not about Sean.

I will tell you that much.

Okay, so it's about Sean.

Charlie, you know me so well.

You are such a good partner.

You could have the joke.

Thanks.

Jordan, I need to talk to you.

Sean, what the hell are you doing here?

She can't talk right now. We're about to go on.

Did you get my message, you jerk?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I told you not to talk to him,

and you go ahead and leave a message?

What is up with this level of deception here?

You know what? I'm confused also,

because you said that you were mad at me

for hooking up with that girl,

but Charlie told me that you were done with me.

You said what?

I didn't know you were going to call off the call-off.

I set him up with Susie

because that's the only way she'd let us do the speech.

So you pimped him out?!

That woman bit me.

Charlie, I had to go to the E.R.

Look, I think we can all agree

that my only crime here

is that I manipulated your relationship

so I could give a speech.

What?

That way, we can share the blame

and all move on.

Excuse me, are you two

delivering the speech on successful partnerships?

- That's us. - Good. You're on.

You ready, partner?

I hate you so much right now.

Cool. Let's do this.

Good evening, fellow therapists.

I'm Charlie Goodson.

Think you all know me.

I know the guys in the ethics board do.

Hey, I got my clothes on, and I'm sober,

so I know one of you lost of a bet.

And I am Dr. Jordan Denby,

and we are your keynote speakers

here at this special conference

about working partnerships,

how the good ones work,

and why some of them don't.

Thank you, Dr. Denby.

Ahem.

Masters and Johnson,

Watson and Crick,

Madame and Monsieur Marie,

what is the one thing

that all of these partnerships have in common?

The word "and." [ laughs ]

But they also share something else,

mutual respect,

understanding, and honesty.

Go ahead, Charlie.

Tell these people about honesty.

This'll be fun.

Well, honesty is, of course,

the foundation of any healthy relationship.

However, there are times

when one must finesse the truth

in order to serve the greater good.

Like if you have to completely screw over your partner

just to get a speaking gig at a stupid conference.

Is something your partner might say

if they wanted to express themselves freely

or if Jim Beam wanted to express himself freely.

You are human scum.

Is the type of thing you might

not want to say to your partner,

especially in a public forum.

Screw you.

Well done, Jordan.

So, in conclusion,

partnerships are awesome.

And on a more personal note to the ethics board,

you still suck.

Whoo!

[ chuckles ]

My man.

Where am I?

You're in the hospital, Lacey.

You've just come out of a coma.

It's a miracle.

Thank you, Jesus.

Oh, my God.

I went to the other side for a second.

Heaven was amazing.

I had all the clothes I could wear

and an Audi A6.

Everyone else wore Old Navy

and took the bus.

- Hmm. - I don't understand.

You're out of the coma,

they know you're fine,

but they keep sending money.

Look at these stats.

Since yesterday, you've made over $14,000.

$14,000?

That's, like, two purses and a French bulldog.

It's crazy.

LordBangsALot from Lewisburg, PA,

is offering 3,000 more for your post-coma virginity.

[ gasps ]

I'd go for it.

Ever since Princess Bangs A Lot

died in that car wreck, I hear he's heartbroken.

$3,000 to have sex with someone

who just came out of a coma?

That's disgusting.

I mean, that's got to be his opening offer, right?

You know what? We can't do this.

I say we give the money

to that Pakistani woman you stole the idea from.

Bring up the site, Patrick.

There she is.

Ah, look at her,

so peaceful.

Wait. Did she just twitch?

Oh, my God. She's waking up.

She's such a faker.

Look, she's fine. She's dancing.

That's a seizure.

And she's dead.

[ sighs ]

They should have called Bullwhip.

Bullwhip would have saved her.

So what did the doctor say about the bite?

Oh, that's terrible, Sean.

Of course I'll come over tonight.

Bye, sweetie.

It's infected. Good.

Here you go.

I picked these out especially for you.

You don't need to keep making peace offerings, Charlie.

I've already forgiven you

as much as I'm going to forgive you.

Now you're just putting pounds on my ass.

So flowers make you sneeze.

Donuts make you fat.

What else can I possibly get you

from Gary's Flowers and Donuts

at the end of my street?

Okay, I forgive you.

Besides, things are going good between me and Sean.

So you're boyfriend and girlfriend?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

We have acknowledged that we have feelings for each other,

and we're going to continue having sex,

but only with each other.

See the difference?

Oh, of course.

It's like night and night.

But tell me,

do you think that Sean and I

could ever make it as a real couple?

Be honest with me.

Really honest?

Yes, about everything.

Okay.

I found those donuts

sitting on a Dumpster behind the building.

You know what?

I'm not even going to give you the satisfaction.