All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E68.Charlie.Gets.Between.Sean.and.Jordan.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

Okay, this is
going to be a shock,

but I think it's important
that you see it.

Is it going to be
you in a Speedo?

'Cause we got it.
You lost five pounds.

You look great.

Thank you, but no.

This is something
very serious.

Oh, my God.
That's Lacey.

Charlie:
IndianGirlinaComa.com?

"Click here to donate"?

What the hell happened?

I'll tell you
what happened.

She was walking
down the street,

and, wham, it hit her
out of nowhere.

The fastest way
to make money is
a charity scam.

I can't
believe Lacey.

How could she set up
a Web site
like this?

What, you didn't think
she'd stoop so low?

Well,
of course she would.

It just looks great.
I don't know how

she could set up
a Web site
like this.

Actually, I'm the one
who set it up.

So why are you
selling her out?

Well, because
it's immoral, it's illegal,

and she promised me
half of the profits,

and I haven't seen
a nickel.

Because there probably
aren't any profits.

Like to believe that
people are a little
too savvy these days

to send money
to a girl

in sexy lingerie
who's supposed to be
in a coma.

Sorry I'm late, everybody.
I was out shopping.

So, Lacey,

where'd you get
the money?

I found it in my couch.

Oh, really?

Oh, look. It's someone
who looks just like me,

that isn't me on TV.

You told.

You made $5,000,

and you didn't
give me my half.

You can't split
5,000 in half.

It's an odd number.

Lacey, of all the
selfish, narcissistic,

unethical things
you've ever done,

this is easily

the most recent.

Well, your point of view

is very different
from the people who wrote,

"#TragicButHot."

You've got to stop
doing this.

You're taking money
from people under
false pretenses.

#ThisIsAFelony.

That's not fair, Charlie.

There's a Pakistani woman
doing the exact
same thing.

I have to say, though--

and I don't
usually say this--

she's too skinny.

Well, maybe
it's easier for her
to get away with it

because she's
in a real coma.

[ men whistling ]

Hey.
Sorry I'm late.

There was a bear
on the freeway

chewing on
a cop's cellphone.

Nothing I could do.

So, in other words,

you spent all night
having sex with some woman.

How did you know that?

Chewing and cellphone

are fairly obvious
as to what they represent.

Oh, yeah.
Look at that.

It's amazing what
my subconscious does

all on its own.

Okay, so here's
what you missed.

You know
the A.P.A. conference
we have coming up?

The theme is
successful partnerships,

and they're considering us
for the keynote speakers.

Oh, man.
After all the hassles

those morons
on the ethics committee
put me through,

they'd hate to have me
on that stage.

Whose cellphone
do we got to chew
to get this gig?

Well, it's all
in the e-mail.

It's from the chairwoman,
Susie Haynes.

Uh...

Susie Haynes?

You slept with her,
didn't you?

Why do you sleep
with everybody?

Let me rephrase that.

Why does everybody
sleep with you?

I didn't do anything.

She's a biter.

She bit
my Achilles tendon
during sex,

and it wasn't
a fun little nibble.

It was
more like a lion trying
to take down a gazelle.

Why did she bite
your ankle during sex?

Because I was
trying to run away.

But I can still
get this for us.

How?

Well, I'm not going
to sleep with her again,

so I got to be honest.

I'm out of ideas
for right now.

But I will think
of something.

Okay, people,
I am here, and I am
ready to file.

Now, I might put
everything under "L,"

because I am
in love, love, love.

I thought Ray Ray
got paroled.

Oh, no, this a new man,
a better man,

who I'm also
calling Ray Ray.

Last night, he gave me
a whole bouquet

of fresh weeds
picked from the yard.

It wasn't my birthday
or nothing,

just weeds for no reason.

I've never gotten
weeds for no reason.

Yeah. How come
all the good men
are in here?

I'm sorry. I'm just--

I'm having problems
with this Sean thing.

I thought
that I would be able
to handle hooking up

without a relationship,
but I can't.

I think it's easier
if I just call it off.

Well, I can't
believe you two

even got together
in the first place.

You're like oil
and incredibly
annoying water.

Yeah, he is
a little annoying.

Yeah.

You don't really
want to break up
with that boy.

You just don't
wanna get hurt.

Now, I felt
the same way

when I started
getting busy
with Ray Ray.

I don't think
my relationship with Sean

is the same
as your relationship
with Ray Ray.

- Is Sean a man?
- Yeah.

Does he pin you
against the shower wall

and take you like you're
the last woman on Earth?

Yeah.

Then it is the same.

Now, if you really want
to be his girlfriend,

stop playing around
and tell him that's
what you want.

You're right.
I'm going to text him
right now.

No, you got to make him
wait a couple of days,

see how horrible
his life is without you.

Oh, and here.

Give him these

Maybe they'll
mean as much to him
as they did to me.

Oh, and you might
want to put those
in some water.

So, Susie, you really
don't like to use

a fork and knife,
do you?

On ribs? No, I just
like to rip 'em apart.

Yeah. It really
brings me back.

So, anyway,
about the conference--

Yeah, it's not
looking good.

Well, why not?

I'm getting
a lot of pressure

from the ethics
committee to choose
anyone but you.

Boy, when those guys
get a grudge,

they don't let go.

It's like a dog
with a bone.

No offense.

Hey, guys,
sorry to interrupt.
I'm just taking off.

No, no. No, it's fine.
Sean, this is Susie.

Hey, how are you?

[ chuckles ]

Listen, if you're
on the fence

about hooking up
with this guy,
I'd go for it.

Word on the street,
always brings
his "A" game.

Well, thank you, Sean,

for that unnecessary

and deeply uncomfortable
testimonial.

Anytime. What's the deal
with Jordan, man?

I haven't gotten
a text from her
in, like, two days.

Can we talk
about that later?

Oh. Of course.
Yeah, yeah. Sorry.

You guys
enjoy your date

It's not a date.

And I always bring
my "A" game too.

That's good to know.

You have a--
you have a piece of meat
on your chest.

[ gasps ]

Thank you.

- Sorry about that.
- No, that's fine.

Ooh. I'd like to sink
my teeth into him.

Is he single?

Yeah, he just stopped
seeing someone.

He just
doesn't know it yet.

You know,
I might be able

to hook you guys up if...

If I help you
and your partner

get the keynote
speakers' position?

Well, thanks
for saying that.

Now I don't have
to feel all dirty
about bribing you.

No problem.
Oh, by the way,

how's that ankle
doing?

I put vitamin E
on the scar every day.

It makes me
think of you.

Hey. Can you talk now?

Yeah.

Look, I didn't want
to say anything
in front of Susie,

but Jordan
told me today

that she's
going to call it off
with you.

Wait, what? Why?

She's Jordan.

She doesn't know
what she wants.

I tell you who does
know what she wants.

Susie,
and she wants you.

Wait a minute.
So Jordan's going
to call it off with me,

but she didn't even
bother texting me?

You know who always
texts back? Susie.

She does this
cute little thing
with parenthesis

that makes 'em
look like boobs.
It's fantastic.

Listen, no one loves
a set of parenthe-boobs

more than I do, but...

I got to be honest, man.

I'm a little hurt
about this Jordan thing.

A little hurt?

Who are you?

Is this the same guy
who banged two girls
in a bunk bed

unbeknownst to each other?

Believe me,
it was beknownst.

Look, you can't
let this get to you.

You gotta move on.
When's the last time
you heard from her?

[ sighs ] Two days ago.

The Sean I know

would have moved on
three days ago.

I just--
you know what?

I need to hear from her
if it's overover.

You mean does she like
like you?

When I go to homeroom,

I'll ask Eddie what
he's heard from Becky.

You're right.
What am I doing?

I'm not the jackass
who gets upset

when someone
doesn't call.

I'm the jackass
who doesn't call.

- Yes, you are.
- Yes.

So what are you
going to do?

I'm going to go out
with Susie, and to hell
with Jordan.

- Yeah.
- Yeah!

Anybody get the name
of the man that
just walked in?

- Sean!
- Louder!

- I'm Sean!
- That's right!

- Wake the neighbors!
- I am your neighbors!

- I meant the Judsons!
- I don't even know
the Judsons!

Oh, they're
nice people.

Son just went off
to college.

Dad works
in advertising.

Oh, okay.
I'll introduce myself.

- Tell 'em I said hi.
- I will.

Okay, if we're
going to shoot me
coming out of a coma,

we're going
to do it my way.

I'm going to lie
in the bed over here.

Ed, you smell
like a hospital,

so you'll play
the doctor.

Can I be
a rodeo doctor

who's seen
too many head injuries

and it's
driving him to drink?

You only have two lines,

"Oh, my God,"
and, "She's awake."

Hmm. How 'bout,
"Good Lord,"

and, "She's conscious"?

Why is that better?

Well, it seems
more like

what Dr. Cody Bullwhip
would say.

Okay, you're
a weird old man.

Patrick, I want you
to direct.

Really?

So you want
to put this face

behind the camera.

That's
an interesting choice.

What do you
want me to play?

You're going to play
the part of the male nurse

who notices
my finger twitching

and calls over
the doctor.

What if I give you
a passionate kiss
on the lips

that wakes you
like "Sleeping Beauty."

- No.
- Okay. Have it your way.

I'll just swing by

and give you
a sponge bath.

No. And you know what?

Now you can't be
the male nurse.

Now you have
to be a priest.

Not a horny janitor,
not a perverted orderly,

not a Make-a-Wish kid
with a boner,

a priest.

A priest?

Yes, who comes over

to administer
my last rites

right before
I suddenly wake up.

Okay, okay.
I'll be a priest.

But just
to let you know,

right before
my grandmother died,

the priest
tongue-kissed her
pretty hard.

I'm just trying
to make it real.

Hey.

Hey.

Guess who's
going to be
the keynote speakers

at the A.P.A.
convention.

I don't know. Us?

Close. Us!

- Isn't that fantastic?
- It's great.

Yeah, we'll talk
about our partnership,

how I'm an optimistic
go-getter,

and you're
a giant downer
of a wet blanket.

I drove by Sean's house
this morning,

and I saw
another woman coming out.

I can't believe he would
have sex with someone
and not tell me.

Why does that matter?
You said you were
going to call it off.

No, I said it would be
easier if I called it off.

That's the same thing
as calling it off.

I changed my mind,
so I called off
the call-off.

You can't call off
the call-off

without telling me
you're calling off
the call-off.

Why do I have to tell you?

Because communication
is key

if I'm gonna be
a part of you guys'
relationship.

You're not.

Well, sure,
not after this.

You know what? I am
going to go over there,

and I am going
to tell him
how hurt I am.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

We got to get
to the conference.

Besides, you'll just
look pathetic.

Tell you what.

I'll go over
and tell him
how you feel tomorrow.

Why you?

Because I'm his buddy.

If you go,
he'll just feel cornered

and try to blame
somebody else.

Who the hell
is he going to blame?

I don't know.

Everybody's
blaming everybody
for everything.

You're blaming him for
going out with a woman.

You're blaming me
for setting him up
with that woman.

I am not blaming you
for that.

Oh. Well, good.

Let's keep it
that way.

Round up the horses.

Close up the barn.

Dr. Cody Bullwhip
is pulling the plug.

Hello?

Where am I?

Yee-hah!

My patient
has woken up,

no thanks to Obamacare.

I am so moved,
I am giving up
the priesthood

to marry this woman.

Cut!

That's it!

Patrick,
from now on,

you're
the priest.

Nolan, you're
the director.

I'm the director?
Excellent.

All right,
we're going to need

a green screen for
the special effects,

a crane
for camera two,

and we should wait
for the light

to come in
from the north.

Just get over there,
and press the button.

Okay, but it's
going to suck.

Okay, good. Good.

You're going over
the speech.

Don't be nervous.
We're going to rock.

Trust me.
I am not nervous,

and I am
already rocking.

Okay, now, I'm going
to start with a joke,

and then you can do
the introduction.

Why do you get
to do the joke?

Because I'm funny
at cocktail parties,

and you're the girl
throwing up in the pool

who ruins it
for everyone.

[ sighs ]

You're drunk right now.

[ scoffs ]

I've only had one,

counting this one

and the one
before that

and the big one
while I was doing
my makeup.

[ scoffs ]

Now you decide to drink?
Now?!

Well, it is
not about Sean.

I will tell you
that much.

Okay, so it's about Sean.

Charlie,
you know me so well.

You are
such a good partner.

You could have the joke.

Thanks.

Jordan, I need
to talk to you.

Sean, what the hell
are you doing here?

She can't talk right now.
We're about to go on.

Did you get
my message,
you jerk?

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. I told you
not to talk to him,

and you go ahead
and leave a message?

What is up with this
level of deception here?

You know what?
I'm confused also,

because you said
that you were mad at me

for hooking up
with that girl,

but Charlie told me
that you were
done with me.

You said what?

I didn't know you
were going to call off
the call-off.

I set him up
with Susie

because that's
the only way she'd let us
do the speech.

So you
pimped him out?!

That woman bit me.

Charlie, I had to go
to the E.R.

Look, I think
we can all agree

that my only crime here

is that I manipulated
your relationship

so I could
give a speech.

What?

That way,
we can share
the blame

and all move on.

Excuse me,
are you two

delivering the speech
on successful
partnerships?

- That's us.
- Good. You're on.

You ready, partner?

I hate you so much
right now.

Cool. Let's do this.

Good evening,
fellow therapists.

I'm Charlie Goodson.

Think you all
know me.

I know the guys
in the ethics board do.

Hey, I got
my clothes on,
and I'm sober,

so I know one of you
lost of a bet.

And I am Dr. Jordan Denby,

and we are
your keynote speakers

here at this
special conference

about
working partnerships,

how the good ones work,

and why
some of them don't.

Thank you, Dr. Denby.

Ahem.

Masters and Johnson,

Watson and Crick,

Madame
and Monsieur Marie,

what is the one thing

that all of
these partnerships
have in common?

The word "and."
[ laughs ]

But they also share
something else,

mutual respect,

understanding,
and honesty.

Go ahead, Charlie.

Tell these people
about honesty.

This'll be fun.

Well, honesty is,
of course,

the foundation
of any healthy
relationship.

However,
there are times

when one must
finesse the truth

in order to serve
the greater good.

Like if you have
to completely screw over
your partner

just to get a speaking gig
at a stupid conference.

Is something
your partner might say

if they
wanted to express
themselves freely

or if Jim Beam
wanted to express
himself freely.

You are human scum.

Is the type of thing
you might

not want to say
to your partner,

especially
in a public forum.

Screw you.

Well done, Jordan.

So, in conclusion,

partnerships
are awesome.

And on a more
personal note
to the ethics board,

you still suck.

Whoo!

[ chuckles ]

My man.

Where am I?

You're
in the hospital,
Lacey.

You've just
come out of a coma.

It's a miracle.

Thank you,
Jesus.

Oh, my God.

I went to the other side
for a second.

Heaven was amazing.

I had all the clothes
I could wear

and an Audi A6.

Everyone else
wore Old Navy

and took the bus.

- Hmm.
- I don't understand.

You're out
of the coma,

they know you're fine,

but they keep
sending money.

Look at these stats.

Since yesterday,
you've made
over $14,000.

$14,000?

That's, like,
two purses and
a French bulldog.

It's crazy.

LordBangsALot
from Lewisburg, PA,

is offering
3,000 more for your
post-coma virginity.

[ gasps ]

I'd go for it.

Ever since
Princess Bangs A Lot

died in that
car wreck, I hear
he's heartbroken.

$3,000 to have sex
with someone

who just came out
of a coma?

That's disgusting.

I mean, that's got to be
his opening offer, right?

You know what?
We can't do this.

I say
we give the money

to that Pakistani
woman you stole
the idea from.

Bring up the site,
Patrick.

There she is.

Ah, look at her,

so peaceful.

Wait. Did she just twitch?

Oh, my God.
She's waking up.

She's such a faker.

Look, she's fine.
She's dancing.

That's a seizure.

And she's dead.

[ sighs ]

They should have
called Bullwhip.

Bullwhip would
have saved her.

So what did the doctor
say about the bite?

Oh, that's terrible, Sean.

Of course I'll
come over tonight.

Bye, sweetie.

It's infected. Good.

Here you go.

I picked these out
especially for you.

You don't need to keep
making peace offerings,
Charlie.

I've already forgiven you

as much as I'm
going to forgive you.

Now you're just
putting pounds on my ass.

So flowers
make you sneeze.

Donuts make you fat.

What else can I
possibly get you

from Gary's Flowers
and Donuts

at the end of my street?

Okay, I forgive you.

Besides,
things are going good
between me and Sean.

So you're boyfriend
and girlfriend?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

We have acknowledged
that we have feelings
for each other,

and we're going
to continue having sex,

but only with each other.

See the difference?

Oh, of course.

It's like
night and night.

But tell me,

do you think
that Sean and I

could ever make it
as a real couple?

Be honest with me.

Really honest?

Yes, about everything.

Okay.

I found those donuts

sitting on a Dumpster
behind the building.

You know what?

I'm not even
going to give you
the satisfaction.