All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E67.Charlie.and.The.Psychic.Therapist.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

So how are we
feeling today?

[ mutters ]

Yeah,
you look trashed,

like you were out
all night

guzzling alcohol
and killing all
your brain cells.

I'm so jealous.

Where were you,
a rave, a club?

The Fryman
bar mitzvah.

You got wasted
at a bar mitzvah?

Yeah. They shut down

the hotel
rooftop lounge
that I was at,

so I went
to the party
downstairs

and drank the "bar"
out of bar mitzvah.

So, who wants
to start?

Oh, I got
some good news.

When I was eight,
I started sponsoring

a poor African kid
for $11 a month,

and now,
after all these years,

he's coming
to visit me.

God, I wonder what
America looks like

to someone who grew up

completely out of touch
with the modern world.

Oh, I don't know.

Tell us, Ed.

I know what
the modern world
looks like,

and I bet you
that kid's scamming you

like that
Nigerian prince
on the Internet

or that Kenyan
in the White House.

Well, I think
it's great.

I once sponsored
a girl from Amsterdam,

but that was more
of a webcam thing.

I'm serious, Charlie.

Everybody's busy
scamming everybody else.

My wife and I
just got ripped off

by a therapist who said
he could fix our marriage

in one weekend
for 500 bucks.

That's insane.

You can't
fix a marriage
in a weekend.

You can destroy
a marriage
in a weekend.

Pfft.
I've done that.

Does this guy
even have a license?

Oh, Dr. Randy's
got a license,

but as soon as he
gets you up there,

he starts charging you
more and more for
psychic readings.

What the hell?
That's totally

against the A.P.A.
ethics code.

By the time
I was finished,

I was out $3,000,

and I still
don't have my wife back.

There's nothing
lower than
a therapist

who takes advantage
of people

in vulnerable
situations.

I do this
for a living.

I take it
very seriously.

This from the man
who made us

turn off all the lights
and fight each other
with lightsabers.

Well, that was
about controlled
confrontation

and fighting fair

and a little about
who would rule
the universe.

Wow,
that was amazing.

I've never had sex
on a coffee table
before.

Yeah, well,
I've never had sex

on a pile
of "O" magazines before,
so we're even.

Hey, tomorrow,
you want to see

if you can get off work
so we can have a nooner

that lasts till, like,
I don't know, like, 6:30?

There's a game on
that I want to see.

Oh, well,
I would love to,

but I have a ton
of work to do,

and there's
no way Charlie will
pick up the slack.

Unless he thought
the slack would
have sex with him.

[ knock
on door ]

- Who is it?
- It's Charlie.

One second.
It's Charlie.
Go hide.

Oh, screw that.
Why don't we just tell him
what we're doing?

He teases me enough
for being a prude.

I can't imagine
what he'll say

if he finds out
I'm hooking up with you.

I don't want him
to think I'm some
dirty little tramp.

But you are.

I know. Shh.
That's our secret.

Hey. Sorry. You weren't
answering your phone.

Well, look at you
all dressed to the ones.

I'm getting ready
to go to bed, Charlie.

Look, Ed got ripped off

by some cheese-ball
psychic therapist,

so my plan
is to go to his retreat,

get a bunch
of evidence on the guy,

and then get
his license revoked.

Yeah, yeah, the world
is full of crooks.

Life's unfair.
Thanks for stopping by.

Yeah, but--
but I need your help.

This guy's retreat
only works with couples.

You can even bring
your blankie.

Are you crazy?

I am not going
to pretend to be
a couple with you.

Oh, come on.
We'll be helping
a lot of people.

We'll be like
the Bonnie and Clyde
of psychology.

Bonnie and Clyde
didn't help people.

They robbed banks
and were killed

in a hail
of bullets.

They were
good-looking people.

They got their own movie.
End of story.

Come on,
just do this with me.

Fine, but if I
agree to do this,

you have to be okay
with me taking

a couple
of afternoons off
next week,

say from noon
to 6:30.

Fine, whatever you want.

And just to be clear,
I'm not gonna hug you,
hold your hand,

or otherwise show you
any signs of affection.

Great. Add not
talking to me
on the car ride up there,

and you got yourself
a deal.

[ men whistling ]

Couples yoga
is upstairs.

Dr. Randy does
his therapy sessions
on the first floor,

and this is your room.

Okay.

Um...

where's the other bed?

Dr. Randy believes
that no matter

how difficult
things may be,

you should share
the same bed.

I don't think
you understand.

We don't even
share the bed
when we're happy.

I suffer
from night terrors,

mostly about being
in bed with her.

Dr. Randy will work
on that tomorrow.

Stay open to love.

I will if you will.

You're flirting
with another woman

when you're
married to me?

I'm sorry.

You're
a frigid shrew,

and I'm a man
with needs.

Okay, so we're stuck
with one bed.

We're adults.
We can get through this.

Exactly.

I'll take the bed,

and you can sleep
in my car.

Look, we're going
to share the bed.

As long as you
wear pajamas.

Fine.
Do you have pajamas?

Of course I do.

Well, it looks like
I'm wearing yours.

Okay, here's the plan.

We make it very clear
that nothing will solve
our marital issues,

short of his
psychic crapola.

- Got it.
- Just stick to the story.

We've been married
for 10 years,

and after we had a kid,
we stopped doing it.

Yeah, you know,
I been thinking
about that,

and I don't think
it's right

to blame Finn
for our sexual problems.

Finn?

Our son's name
is Jack.

I like Finn.

Finn sounds like
a guy who brings

an acoustic guitar
to parties.

Exactly.

I like those guys.

Fine.
You can have Finn,

just like you had
all the covers
last night.

You had the air
turned down to 50 degrees.

I was trying
to cryogenically
freeze your body

so you'd
stop thrashing.

Mr. and Mrs. Barrow.

I am Dr. Randy.

Please, sit down.
Sit down. Sit down.

Everything my spirit
is, was,

or ever will be
welcomes you.

Thank you, Doctor.
I'm Charlie.

This is my wife Jordan,
who is, was,

and ever will be
a pain in my ass.

He tried to freeze me
to death last night,

and he wears
women's pajamas,

sometimes
in front of Finn.

Who's-- who's Finn?

Finn is
our son, who wants
to play baseball,

but she keeps
making him take

acoustic guitar lessons.

Because
he is a terrible
baseball player,

just like
his father.

Oh, yeah? Well, Finn isn't
even our son's real name.

It's Jack.
Finn is her cousin

she lost her virginity to
when she was a teenager.

- I-I can't believe--
- Now, ah-ah-ah-ah.

Sounds like
you two have some
serious problems.

Which is why we need
everything you've got.

We heard that you
can fix us in a weekend.
Is that true?

Absolutely.

Well, great. That's great.

And we are open

to any weird thing
that you want.

What did you
have in mind?

Anything.
Anything weird, crazy,

weird.

Okay, but what I'd
like to do right now

is have you two
fill out these
questionnaires

to test your sexual
compatibility.

He'll finish before me.
He always does.

That's because I just
want to go watch TV.

At least the pictures
on that thing
move a little.

[ knock on door ]

Oh. Thanks.

What do you need
the water for?

They shut my water off,

and I want to make Kwame
some lemonade.

He's from Africa.

They probably don't
have that over there.

All they have over there
is ostrich milk.

You got to be pretty fast
to get that in a glass.

When someone
comes to America,

you don't give them
fruit water.

You take them
somewhere to show off
our culture,

like a giant
shopping mall
or a Sephora.

[ knock
on door ]

That's him.

FYI, he thinks
my name is Bruce Wayne.

Isn't Bruce Wayne Batman?

Don't ask.
It's something I started
when I was eight,

and I can't
get out of it.

- Kwame!
- Bruce Wayne!

That's me!

Ah.

Wow.

You look
so different.

Bruce, introduce me
to your friend

who's wearing a watch
that's worth
more than you.

Kwame, this is
my friend Lacey.

She lives next door,

and she's about to leave.

Nice to meet you.

And you have
great style.

I wouldn't mind spending
a couple hours with you

at the Motel Rwanda.

Call me. [ giggles ]

So you want
something to eat?

You must be starving.

Hey,
that's how we met.

Actually,
I'm quite full, Bruce.

I just had sashimi
at Katsuya.

Please talk slower.

I don't understand
your language.

I'm speaking
English.

I got most of that.

Look at you, Bruce.

You look exactly
the same as you did

in that picture of you
when you were eight.

[ claps ]
You too,

except now you're
wearing a beautiful suit

instead of sitting
in a bucket.

I have been
quite fortunate.

I moved to New York
two years ago,

drove a limousine
until I could afford
to buy one.

Now I have
a company

with 140 cars
in six states.

Oh.

This is called a lemon.

So...

...you live here?

Yeah, not as much
dirt on the floor

as where you
come from, huh?

Mm, it's close.

And no TV.

Even us Somali refugees
had TV.

I mean, it's not high-def,
but it's still
a good picture.

Bruce, you were
so kind to me

when I had nothing.

I will not rest
until you let me
give you some money.

No, I can't
take your charity.

I was always the one
who helped you.

Here. Here's $20.

Can I get five back?

I still have to go
to the Y for a bath.

Okay, I have the results
of your questionnaire.

And based on this,

I think we
may have to take
another approach,

because sex is not
your problem.

You two have
the highest sexual
compatibility score

I have ever seen.

[ laughing ]

Oh, you're serious.

That is impossible.

You are each other's
exact types.

You're a perfect storm
of sexual desires.

Maybe you should just
get out of your own way

and let your genitals
do the talking.

[ scoffs ]
My genitals

have nothing
to say to him.

Well, there's a way
to get to the bottom
of this

and get you the answers
you so desperately need.

We can consult...

the spirits.

That's fantastic.

How much is that
going to cost?

Oh, please, please.

Let's not contaminate
this moment

with talk of money.

We have your credit card
on file.

Oh.

Yes, spirits.

I'll tell them.

They want
to see you kiss.

- Say what?
- I'm sorry. Excuse me?

No, they want
to see if there's
still some spark

from which you two
might rekindle
your relationship.

[ bell dings ]

[ deep clunk ]

The spirits
are underwhelmed.

They want to see
a real kiss.

It's critical
to your healing.

Spirits say
the energy is good.

You know, let's run
that credit card again
just to be safe.

[ knock on door ]

Coming.

Sorry I took so long.

After I saw how well
Kwame was doing,

I started working
on a list of ways
to improve my life.

Number one,
stop giving Kwame money.

That guy's doing okay.

Look, I realize
your life is sad,

but it's your life,

so really,
it's only sad to you.

Why'd you
call me over?

Okay, I accidentally
went out with this guy

who was a manager
at a Best Buy.

When I found out,
I told him as nicely
as I could

that instead
of dating him,
I'd rather die.

But he keeps sending me
all these TVs

and video games
and stuff.

So you want me
to help you
take it all back?

No, I just want
to store it at your place

until I can finally
move out of this dump.

Oh, really?

And you'd probably
be okay with me

hooking it all up
and using it.

Whatever. I don't care.

Are you sure
it isn't Kwame

who wants me
to hook it all up
and use it?

[ gasps ] I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening.

Did you just say
that Kwame

wants to hook up with me
and use me?

I know
what's going on.

I wouldn't
take Kwame's money,

and this is his way
of trying to give me

a bunch
of cool stuff.

Well, screw that.

It's not
like I'm a poor,
malnourished child

who needs his help.

I am a poor,
malnourished adult

who can take care
of himself!

Oh, my God!

What did you
just do?!

This is my stuff,
not Kwame's!

It is?

You're going
to have to make
this up to me.

All right. All right.

I'll give you
the only thing
I have to offer.

Whoa.
What are you doing?

Giving you my belt.

It's the most expensive
thing I own.

What a perv,
making us kiss.

There was
no reason for it.

Yeah, I should have
won an Academy Award

for how good
I made that look.

Not just
for best actor,

best cinematography,
foreign film,

animated short,
visual effects,

- editing--
- Hey!

You think
you deserve an award?

For what I did,
my tongue should be named

"Time" Magazine's
Man of the Year.

Well, at least he
didn't suspect us.

Great job
lying on that test,
by the way.

I didn't lie.

Well,
of course you did,
'cause I didn't.

There's
no way in hell

that we're
the perfect storm
of sexual desires.

As if I'd ever have sex
with you, anyway.

You're such a horndog.

[ sighs ]
Just put it in quick.

That's your answer
for everything, isn't it?

Give me that.

Well,
wasn't very romantic,

but it got the job done,

and you're going to want
to do it again tomorrow.

For your information,

I'm not
a romance junkie.

Oh, please.
You got to have
the candles

and the soft music
and...

a trail of rose petals

from the door to the bed.

Be gentle with me.

I had nothing
to do with this.

"Dr. Randy
hopes you enjoy

your sexual
healing package.

If you wish to forego
this $1,200 package,

do not open
the gift box on the bed."

Wow, look what's
in this gift box.

Caviar,

chocolate
strawberries,

hand lotion...

"for your genitals."

Oh, this is lube.

Ah, since we're
already paying for it,

might as well pop
the champagne.

You know
I don't drink.

You know
I didn't offer.

[ knock on door ]

Surprise.

Now lose
them panties.

Daddy is ready
for business.

Sean, what are
you doing here?

It's a hotel
booty call.

Oh, is Charlie
next door?

We should be quiet.

No, he's
right here.

You're going
to have to be
really quiet.

Hold on a sec.

You two?

What were
you thinking?

Who are you
talking to?

Either one.

How long has this
been going on?

About a month.

Dude,
you've sent me texts

just to tell me that
you banged a chick

that went
to high school
with Katy Perry,

but you don't tell me
about you and her?

No, I did.
Remember the text
I sent you

about the annoying
chick that was into
super-kinky stuff?

That--
that was her?

Yeah, and remember
the text I sent

about the arrogant prick
I was having sex with?

I never got
a text like that.

Don't worry.
It's coming.

You know what?
I don't need this.

I'm going to the spa
to get a body scrub.

Between sleeping with you
and sharing a bed
with you,

I hope they can scrub
my memory.

I cannot believe
you're hooking up
with Jordan.

I know. It's weird.

Just kissing her
is a huge turn-on.

I-I wouldn't know
anything about that.

You know what's scary?

[ clears throat ]

Think I really like her.

All right.
It's your funeral.

Just don't be a dick.

What does that mean?

It means
that you have a habit

of sleeping with
the women in my life,
then cheating on them.

Oh, please. Name one.

- Jen.
- Name two.

- Lacey.
- This game sucks.

Hello, Bruce.

Ah. Thanks for coming,
Kwame.

I thought about
your offer to help.

Say no more.
How much do you need?

Well, I got to buy
a flat-screen TV

and some
home theater speakers.

It's not for me to say,

but have you ever
considered investing

in running water
and food?

I got to pay
somebody back.

You don't have
to explain.

Here's 2,000.

I can't take this check.

Why not?

First of all,

my name's
not Bruce Wayne.

It's Nolan.

I don't think
charity's going to help.

What I need is a job.

I just don't know where.

I own a limo company.

You could be a driver.

I'll take it.

Although I will need
a ride to work.

Done.

Here is
my signed affidavit.

This guy's going down.

Thank you.

"Thank you"? That's it?

I know you're going
to take shots at me,

so go for it.
Do your worst.

What exactly
was I going to say?

That I "gotta have it."

That I wear Velcro clothes
for easy access.

That I like to get
my ticket punched

for the Bonetown Express.
All aboard!

I would never
say any of that.

Except maybe
Bonetown Express.

That was
kind of clever.

Although I don't know
about, "All aboard."

That seemed
a little easy,

like you.

Okay.

Now that we got that
out of our systems,

why were you so late
leaving the retreat
last night?

Well, while you were
doing God knows what

with God knows why,

I stayed up all night

compiling additional
evidence for the A.P.A.

It took me hours.

Hey, Charlie.

Oh, hey, Jordan.

I'm so happy
you guys

are getting
Dr. Randy's
license pulled.

I had no idea
what he was doing.

See you
back upstairs.

Oh, and I may have
slept with Penny.

[ deep clunk ]

Well, it was
much better
than that.