All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E63.Charlie.and.Seans.Twisted.Sister.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

- Hey.
- Hey.

My sister's flying
into town today

and she just sent me
a text message.

She forgot to bring
makeup remover
and cotton balls.

Do you have any of that
stuff in your things-chicks-
left-behind drawer?

Things-chicks-
left-behind drawer?

Yeah, you don't
have one of those?

Oh, yeah.
I just don't
call it that.

Let's see.

A bunch of ChapStick.
Here's some lip gloss.

A few contact lens cases,
two pairs of glasses.

You bang a lot of nearsighted
chicks with dry lips.

This one's your moms.

She left it here
the night I banged her.

In case you hadn't
put that together yet.

Yeah, that crap's
not really that funny.

Do you have
the stuff or not?

- I'm sure your mom left
some of that stuff behind--
- Dude.

I'm sorry, sorry.

Oh, you know what?
I do have another leave-
behind drawer upstairs.

You have two
leave-behind drawers?

[ whispers ]
Three.

- Hey.
- Oh.

Hi.

Where's Charlie?

He's upstairs.

He'll be down
in a minute.

Okay. Well, would you
give him this?

It's a file he needs.

Sure.

So how have you been?

Pretty good.
How 'bout you?

Good. Good.

I'm not going to be able
to come by tonight,

but tomorrow night,
you're in big trouble.

Shh. I don't want anyone
to know that we're having

casual,
intimate encounters.

The fact that just tried
to clean that up made it
sound really dirty.

Charlie:
I don't have cotton balls.
Just got Puffs.

- Are they the same thing?
- I don't think so.

- Yes, they are.
- Yes, they are.

- Okay, I got to go.
- All right, see you tomorrow.

Oh, I just got an idea.

I'll answer the door
wearing nothing but two
cotton balls and a Puff.

You'll see
they're exactly the same.

- Here you go.
- Oh, that's perfect.

Thank you.
My sister's a little
scattered right now.

She's flying in for
her first art show in LA.

Wow. That's great.
Where's she coming
in from?

You can't have sex
with my sister.

- What? That is not
what I asked.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

She lives in
Stay-out-of-my-sister's-
pantsville,

Illinois.

Really?
Because I'm from

Wasn't-even-an-issue-
until-you-brought-it-upberg.

Let's say Florida.

Listen, I'm serious,
all right?

She's off-limits.
She's a really sweet kid,
but she's a little naive.

Look, you're my friend.

I'm not going to
hit on your sister.
I have some boundaries.

You have no boundaries.
You have a free-range trouser
hog that roams the countryside.

I am not going to
touch your sister.

That would just be
weird doing your sister
and your mom.

[ theme music playing ]

All right,
before we go,

Ed, Nolan,

last week I asked you two
to spend some quality
time together.

- How'd that go?
- Good.

I wanted to stay home
and play video games

and Ed wanted to stay home
and drink beer.

So we compromised.

Yeah, I stayed home
and drank beer,

he stayed home
and played video games.

We called each other
once an hour to make sure

we were still having
quality time.

That was you?

Well, at least you two
found a way to--

nah, you didn't
do nothing.

Patrick, Lacey,
I believe you two
had the same assignment.

Actually, we went to
the same club last night.

Well, there it is.
That's how it's done.

Well, we didn't know
until we ran into each other

much later
in the evening.

Yeah,
it was super awkward.

Okay, so nobody did
last week's assignment.

Well,
here's this week's--

do last week's.

Which if you are
keeping track,

was the assignment
from the week before.

I will outlast you.

See you Thursday.

By the way,
I met a guy at
the club last night.

He was blond-haired,
blue-eyed,

amazing body,
and great personality.

You met a crazy hot
blond guy? So did I.

He had a tattoo
of a bulldog on his arm.
[ growls ]

So did mine.

Wait, your guy's name
wasn't Benjamin Maddox,
was it?

No, thank God.

His name was
Lengerman Haddox.

Boy, the music
really was blasting
in there, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was.
Why?

Because you actually thought
there was a human being

on this planet
named Lengerman.

Lengerman?!

You're dating
the same person,
you idiot.

You're dating
Lengerman, too?

It's Benjamin
and you stay away
from him.

- If I want him, he's mine.
- Ha!

Wait a minute.

This guy likes
you and you?

How's that possible?

- Maybe he's bisexual, Ed.
- No.

I mean, they're both
such mean, selfish people.

[ knocks on door ]

Hey.

Wow.

Did I say hello?
I meant to say hello.

Let me--
let me try again. Ahem.

Wow.

So you must
be Charlie.

I'm Sean's
sister Lauren.

Oh.
Let me try that again.

Ahem. Hello.

I like the "wow" better.

Your brother wouldn't.
Ahem.

Come on in.

What is the matter
with that guy?

Did he give you that whole
don't-touch-my-sister speech?

Uh, I think that's
the one he gave me.

Does it end with
"or I'll kill you"?

Ooh, you got
"or I'll kill you"?

He must hold you
in very low regard.

Shucks.

All right, well,
I came by to see if you
have any linseed oil.

I need some
to prep my canvas.

Look, you have
an awesome canvas

and I would love
to prep it,

but if I did,
your brother
would kill me.

I'm an artist.

Oh, right, right.

Yeah, no, I'm sorry.
I don't have any
linseed oil,

but something tells me
that you already knew that.

All right, fine.

The truth is I came
here because I wanted
to meet the guy

that my brother told me
to stay away from.

And I'm not
disappointed.

Well, that's
very nice to hear

and I'm not
disappointed either.

But I think the safest thing
for us to do is not--

do that.

Do not tell my brother
I was here.

I'll see you later.

Damn it.
Why couldn't she
look like Sean?

Okay, guys.

Today we're going to
talk about avoiding

misunderstandings
that can lead to anger.

Like when somebody tries
to lowball you for a kilo

and you got to
shoot them to establish
the fair market value.

No. Not at all.

It's about telling the truth
to prevent a problem.

For example,

my best friend's sister
came on to me and now I've got
to go tell him about it

before he finds out
and thinks that I
encouraged it.

Why would he think
you encouraged it, Charlie?

Because he thinks
I slept with a lot of women

based on the amount of women
he's seen come and go
from my house...

who I've slept with.

Well, then you can't
tell him.

Well, why not?

Let me tell you
a story, Charlie.

The other day, I walked
into the laundry room

and found Dino Rossini
laying there dead.

Stabbed 32 times.

Even though they finally
realized that I didn't do it,

I was the first one
they blamed.

You want to know why?

Your unparalleled record
of killing people?

And because
you're especially fond

of stabbing people
in multiples of 32?

That's what I'm saying.

People jump to conclusions.

Like the Tulsa
Police Department.

Let's follow
the trail of blood
back to Wayne's house.

Let's dig up the body
in Wayne's backyard.

Let's see if the skull
he uses as a flower vase

matches up to the homeless
guy without a head.

It's not all me, people.

So they thought you stabbed
the Rossini guy

because you're a killer
and a guy got killed?

Exactly.

You have a rep
for being a dog, Charlie.

It doesn't matter
what you tell your friend,

he's never going to
believe you.

What am I supposed to do?

Stay away from that girl.

But if she comes around,
get a chaperone.

That way nothing
can happen.

Unless the chaperone
joins in.

In which case, you have
a terrible chaperone.

So you just moved here
from Nebraska.

What was that like?

It was all right.

What's it like over there?
What kind of things
did you do?

Lift stuff.

Oh. What kind of stuff?

Heavy stuff.

Could you
be more specific?

Because I feel like
when I first saw you,
you seemed interesting.

Well,
we would lift it

because it had to be
put into trucks.

Like, what?
What did you put
in the trucks?

The stuff.

Oh, my God.

So the stuff

you put in trucks...

The heavy stuff.

Right.

That stuff.

So that's your job?

Yeah.

Okay. Uh, so what do you
like to do for fun?

I don't know.

Um, lift stuff.

You realize,
Benjamin,

that I can't be
with you romantically

if I feel like
I'm taking advantage of you.

How are your fries,
Charlie?

They're good.

They don't taste
like blood

or Mexican finger
or nothing?

What the hell
are you talking about?

I'm funning with you.
It's fine.

Um, here's a beer...

on the house...

for no reason.

- Charlie. Hey.
- Charlie: Hey.

- What are you guys doing here?
- Just grabbing dinner.

This is my sister.
This is Lauren.
Lauren, Charlie.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi-- hi, Lauren.
Nice to meet you.

- You, too.
- All right,

I'm just going to get
back to my dinner here.

I'm having a burger
and some fries

which may or may not
have a surprise
at the bottom.

Stop it.
No, we're eating, too.
Come sit with us.

- Nah, it's okay.
- It's fine.

Yeah, it'll be fun.
I'm going to grab
us a table.

You sure about this?
I mean, it's your sister.

You guys should catch up.

We've spent the past
five hours together.

She called me a dick,
I called her a brat,

so we're caught up.

So Sean tells me
you're an anger
management therapist.

Yes, I am.

So you, uh, help people
with their problems?

Uh, yes.
Yes, I do that.

When they ask me to.

Otherwise, I stay out
of other people's business.

Oh, darn it.
I dropped my spoon.

So, let's see...

what looks good.

You okay?

- Yeah.
- Oh, got it.

Just reached down there
and there it was.

I'm going to go grab us
some drinks.

Okay, you need
to stop this right now.

I'm telling you
there's nothing
happening between us.

Oh, well, in my mind,
it already has.

Check this out.

I did this painting
last night

and I'm going to put it
in my show tomorrow.

Holy crap.
That's a painting of
you and I having sex.

- Mm-hmm.
- You and I never had sex.

But Sean
will think we did.

What kind of sick

and incredibly talented
person are you?

Look, Sean is a huge jerk
and he judges people.

He thinks you're a dog
and that I can't make
an adult decision.

He needs
to learn a lesson.

So you're just going to
throw me under the bus?

Yeah, but it's a small bus.

Small buses kill thousands
of people every year.

Okay, that's not a fact,
but it seems possible.

Hey, guys, ahem,
it's time to go.

Someone just found
a "Dora the Explorer"
Band-Aid in their food.

Apparently,
she was exploring

for something at
the bottom of a Cobb salad.

[ computer chimes ]

- Hello?
- Hi.

Oh, hello, Patrick.

I just Skyped so you could
see the look on my face.

Do you see this?

It's the face of a winner.

What are you talking about?

I just spent a mind-numbing
eight hours with Benjamin.

He is unbearable in public,

the sex is
completely boring--

I know that for a fact.

But as of this moment,

he is completely mine.

You're a liar.

And I know that for a fact
because I just spent

the worst afternoon
of my life with Benjamin.

And he's mine.
I win.

Oh, oh, really?

Well, one of us is a liar

and I think I know who.

Oh, Benjamin.

- Oh.
- Hi.

- [ gasps ]
- Who are you?

What? Oh, my God.

Benjamin.

Why do you keep
calling me that?

- My name's Lengerman.
- [ gasps ]

Oh, hey, Benjamin.

How do you guys
know my brother?

You're twins?

Oh, my God.
We're dating
different people.

See, I knew his name
was Lengerman, you idiot.

Hey, Lengerman,
I finally got
a boyfriend.

- And I can lift him up.
- Don't, don't, don't.

Cool, bro. Nice.

- [ giggles ]
- [ sighs ]

Okay, it's a draw.

I'm going to go
break up with mine now.

I bet I can break up
with mine faster than you
can break up with yours.

I bet you you're wrong.
Go!

Lengerman, get out.
Sweetie, get out.

Just because you
pay me alimony

doesn't mean I have to
be your art mule.

Why can't you buy
your own damn panting?

Because I'm in it,
it's kind of risqué,

and I'd feel weird
buying it for myself.

Well, grow up. It's art.
Sometimes people are naked.

Holy crap!

You're full-on having sex
with that woman.

I'm not buying that.

And if you ask me,
that frame's kind of tacky.

Good luck getting a new one
'cause no frame store's
going to touch that thing.

Hey, hey, hey.
When we were married,

I bought a lot of stuff
for you that was
embarrassing.

Hemorrhoid cream,
breast pumps,

that Goo Goo Dolls album.

I just had a baby
and that music made me
not want to kill you.

Yeah, but it was
the Goo Goo Dolls

and it kind of made me
want to kill you.

Just get the damn painting
and let's get out of here.

Well, what do I do?

Just walk up to one of these
snooty art guys and say,

"Hey, I'd like the painting
of that guy boning the woman
who's half his age"?

First of all,
it's art and it
has a title.

- "Charlie Boning
the Young Artist."
- [ laughs ]

Well, you were close.

Fine, what do you
want me to do?

Here.
Take my checkbook.

Just go buy the damn thing
so we can get it out of here
before Sean shows up.

Okay.
Hi.

Can I help you?

I see a lot of people
drinking wine.

- Do you have any beer?
- Jennifer.

Fine. I'll take that
screw picture of there.
How much?

- $3,000.
- Quit kidding around.

That is the price
the artist set.

Just buy it.

I guess he likes
looking at his own junk.
We'll take it.

I will give you $3,500.

Hey, buddy,
I'm in the painting.
Why do you want it so bad?

Well, I like
the composition

and the way the artist
uses light.

Sure you do,
you pervert.

I will give you $5,000.

- Sir?
- He can have it.

Oh, and you were right,
I am a pervert.

I will write you
a check,

Jennifer, you take
the painting off
the wall,

and, Sean,
you just stand there
with murder in your eyes.

[ gasps ]

Gentlemen, we cannot
get drunk if you're not
going to cooperate.

I am so sorry, Charlie.

For what? Your plan
worked perfectly.

I didn't realize
he'd go that far.

When I got to the gallery
and they told me
what happened,

I couldn't believe it.

How bad is your face?

Oh, crap.

Well, I guess there's only
one thing we can do now...

have sex.

- Are you kidding me?
- No.

He thinks we're guilty

and you've already
been punished.

Well, that's true.

I got a black eye,
a countertop martini,

and a $5,000 piece
of doink art

I have no idea what
I'm going to do with.

Charlie, look,
I really do want you.

I mean, did you
see that painting?

- Hmm?
- Yeah, it was pretty hot.

- Yeah.
- That's actually how
I do look during sex.

Come on.
Right now.

- Come on. Right now,
right now, come on.
- All right, all right.

You win.
Let's do it.

I cannot think
of one reason not to.

I got the reason.

You're still Sean's sister

and it's not going
to happen.

I mean,
you should know, though,

that I don't normally
turn down somebody
as hot as you,

but when I do,
I know one thing for sure--

I always regret it.

[ knocks on door ]

Hang on, hang on.

I'm working with
one eye, three martinis,

and a pain killer.

I don't even remember
how I got down the stairs.

Hey.

If you're here
to punch me again,

save your energy,
I won't even feel it.

I'm not, all right?
I'm not here to fight.

I had it out with Lauren.

She told me
that you could've slept
with her and you didn't,

so I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Charlie's not here right now,
but if you'd like to
leave a message,

- he'll never call you back.
- Okay, come on.
Are you serious?

I just said I was sorry.
I don't get it.

What more do I have to do
to get off the hook?

I think you owe me

5,000 bucks
for the painting.

Ouch.

Okay, okay.

All right.
See you tomorrow.

And the aforementioned
painting

needs to hang
above your fireplace.

So for the next two months,
every time you walk downstairs,

you have to face
your greatest nightmare.

So you're telling me
that the centerpiece
of my living room

has to be a painting of you
racking up my sister?

You're-- whoa, whoa, whoa,
that's your sister.

Show a little respect.

Son of a bitch.
Okay.

So are we good?

We're good.

What about
you and Lauren?

We're fine.

Apparently, I have to
accept the fact that
she's a grown woman

and she can do
whatever she wants.

But still, don't
have sex with her, okay?

Dude, I am not going to
sleep with your sister.

Besides, everyone knows
that the real hot piece of ass
in the family is your mom.

You want to come up
and say hi?