Original subtitles

- Hey. - Hey.

My sister's flying into town today

and she just sent me a text message.

She forgot to bring makeup remover and cotton balls.

Do you have any of that stuff in your things-chicks- left-behind drawer?

Things-chicks- left-behind drawer?

Yeah, you don't have one of those?

Oh, yeah. I just don't call it that.

Let's see.

A bunch of ChapStick. Here's some lip gloss.

A few contact lens cases, two pairs of glasses.

You bang a lot of nearsighted chicks with dry lips.

This one's your moms.

She left it here the night I banged her.

In case you hadn't put that together yet.

Yeah, that crap's not really that funny.

Do you have the stuff or not?

- I'm sure your mom left some of that stuff behind-- - Dude.

I'm sorry, sorry.

Oh, you know what? I do have another leave- behind drawer upstairs.

You have two leave-behind drawers?

[ whispers ] Three.

- Hey. - Oh.

Hi.

Where's Charlie?

He's upstairs.

He'll be down in a minute.

Okay. Well, would you give him this?

It's a file he needs.

Sure.

So how have you been?

Pretty good. How 'bout you?

Good. Good.

I'm not going to be able to come by tonight,

but tomorrow night, you're in big trouble.

Shh. I don't want anyone to know that we're having

casual, intimate encounters.

The fact that just tried to clean that up made it sound really dirty.

Charlie: I don't have cotton balls. Just got Puffs.

- Are they the same thing? - I don't think so.

- Yes, they are. - Yes, they are.

- Okay, I got to go. - All right, see you tomorrow.

Oh, I just got an idea.

I'll answer the door wearing nothing but two cotton balls and a Puff.

You'll see they're exactly the same.

- Here you go. - Oh, that's perfect.

Thank you. My sister's a little scattered right now.

She's flying in for her first art show in LA.

Wow. That's great. Where's she coming in from?

You can't have sex with my sister.

- What? That is not what I asked. - Oh, I'm sorry.

She lives in Stay-out-of-my-sister's- pantsville,

Illinois.

Really? Because I'm from

Wasn't-even-an-issue- until-you-brought-it-upberg.

Let's say Florida.

Listen, I'm serious, all right?

She's off-limits. She's a really sweet kid, but she's a little naive.

Look, you're my friend.

I'm not going to hit on your sister. I have some boundaries.

You have no boundaries. You have a free-range trouser hog that roams the countryside.

I am not going to touch your sister.

That would just be weird doing your sister and your mom.

[ theme music playing ]

All right, before we go,

Ed, Nolan,

last week I asked you two to spend some quality time together.

- How'd that go? - Good.

I wanted to stay home and play video games

and Ed wanted to stay home and drink beer.

So we compromised.

Yeah, I stayed home and drank beer,

he stayed home and played video games.

We called each other once an hour to make sure

we were still having quality time.

That was you?

Well, at least you two found a way to--

nah, you didn't do nothing.

Patrick, Lacey, I believe you two had the same assignment.

Actually, we went to the same club last night.

Well, there it is. That's how it's done.

Well, we didn't know until we ran into each other

much later in the evening.

Yeah, it was super awkward.

Okay, so nobody did last week's assignment.

Well, here's this week's--

do last week's.

Which if you are keeping track,

was the assignment from the week before.

I will outlast you.

See you Thursday.

By the way, I met a guy at the club last night.

He was blond-haired, blue-eyed,

amazing body, and great personality.

You met a crazy hot blond guy? So did I.

He had a tattoo of a bulldog on his arm. [ growls ]

So did mine.

Wait, your guy's name wasn't Benjamin Maddox, was it?

No, thank God.

His name was Lengerman Haddox.

Boy, the music really was blasting in there, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was. Why?

Because you actually thought there was a human being

on this planet named Lengerman.

Lengerman?!

You're dating the same person, you idiot.

You're dating Lengerman, too?

It's Benjamin and you stay away from him.

- If I want him, he's mine. - Ha!

Wait a minute.

This guy likes you and you?

How's that possible?

- Maybe he's bisexual, Ed. - No.

I mean, they're both such mean, selfish people.

[ knocks on door ]

Hey.

Wow.

Did I say hello? I meant to say hello.

Let me-- let me try again. Ahem.

Wow.

So you must be Charlie.

I'm Sean's sister Lauren.

Oh. Let me try that again.

Ahem. Hello.

I like the "wow" better.

Your brother wouldn't. Ahem.

Come on in.

What is the matter with that guy?

Did he give you that whole don't-touch-my-sister speech?

Uh, I think that's the one he gave me.

Does it end with "or I'll kill you"?

Ooh, you got "or I'll kill you"?

He must hold you in very low regard.

Shucks.

All right, well, I came by to see if you have any linseed oil.

I need some to prep my canvas.

Look, you have an awesome canvas

and I would love to prep it,

but if I did, your brother would kill me.

I'm an artist.

Oh, right, right.

Yeah, no, I'm sorry. I don't have any linseed oil,

but something tells me that you already knew that.

All right, fine.

The truth is I came here because I wanted to meet the guy

that my brother told me to stay away from.

And I'm not disappointed.

Well, that's very nice to hear

and I'm not disappointed either.

But I think the safest thing for us to do is not--

do that.

Do not tell my brother I was here.

I'll see you later.

Damn it. Why couldn't she look like Sean?

Okay, guys.

Today we're going to talk about avoiding

misunderstandings that can lead to anger.

Like when somebody tries to lowball you for a kilo

and you got to shoot them to establish the fair market value.

No. Not at all.

It's about telling the truth to prevent a problem.

For example,

my best friend's sister came on to me and now I've got to go tell him about it

before he finds out and thinks that I encouraged it.

Why would he think you encouraged it, Charlie?

Because he thinks I slept with a lot of women

based on the amount of women he's seen come and go from my house...

who I've slept with.

Well, then you can't tell him.

Well, why not?

Let me tell you a story, Charlie.

The other day, I walked into the laundry room

and found Dino Rossini laying there dead.

Stabbed 32 times.

Even though they finally realized that I didn't do it,

I was the first one they blamed.

You want to know why?

Your unparalleled record of killing people?

And because you're especially fond

of stabbing people in multiples of 32?

That's what I'm saying.

People jump to conclusions.

Like the Tulsa Police Department.

Let's follow the trail of blood back to Wayne's house.

Let's dig up the body in Wayne's backyard.

Let's see if the skull he uses as a flower vase

matches up to the homeless guy without a head.

It's not all me, people.

So they thought you stabbed the Rossini guy

because you're a killer and a guy got killed?

Exactly.

You have a rep for being a dog, Charlie.

It doesn't matter what you tell your friend,

he's never going to believe you.

What am I supposed to do?

Stay away from that girl.

But if she comes around, get a chaperone.

That way nothing can happen.

Unless the chaperone joins in.

In which case, you have a terrible chaperone.

So you just moved here from Nebraska.

What was that like?

It was all right.

What's it like over there? What kind of things did you do?

Lift stuff.

Oh. What kind of stuff?

Heavy stuff.

Could you be more specific?

Because I feel like when I first saw you, you seemed interesting.

Well, we would lift it

because it had to be put into trucks.

Like, what? What did you put in the trucks?

The stuff.

Oh, my God.

So the stuff

you put in trucks...

The heavy stuff.

Right.

That stuff.

So that's your job?

Yeah.

Okay. Uh, so what do you like to do for fun?

I don't know.

Um, lift stuff.

You realize, Benjamin,

that I can't be with you romantically

if I feel like I'm taking advantage of you.

How are your fries, Charlie?

They're good.

They don't taste like blood

or Mexican finger or nothing?

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm funning with you. It's fine.

Um, here's a beer...

on the house...

for no reason.

- Charlie. Hey. - Charlie: Hey.

- What are you guys doing here? - Just grabbing dinner.

This is my sister. This is Lauren. Lauren, Charlie.

- Oh, hi. - Hi-- hi, Lauren. Nice to meet you.

- You, too. - All right,

I'm just going to get back to my dinner here.

I'm having a burger and some fries

which may or may not have a surprise at the bottom.

Stop it. No, we're eating, too. Come sit with us.

- Nah, it's okay. - It's fine.

Yeah, it'll be fun. I'm going to grab us a table.

You sure about this? I mean, it's your sister.

You guys should catch up.

We've spent the past five hours together.

She called me a dick, I called her a brat,

so we're caught up.

So Sean tells me you're an anger management therapist.

Yes, I am.

So you, uh, help people with their problems?

Uh, yes. Yes, I do that.

When they ask me to.

Otherwise, I stay out of other people's business.

Oh, darn it. I dropped my spoon.

So, let's see...

what looks good.

You okay?

- Yeah. - Oh, got it.

Just reached down there and there it was.

I'm going to go grab us some drinks.

Okay, you need to stop this right now.

I'm telling you there's nothing happening between us.

Oh, well, in my mind, it already has.

Check this out.

I did this painting last night

and I'm going to put it in my show tomorrow.

Holy crap. That's a painting of you and I having sex.

- Mm-hmm. - You and I never had sex.

But Sean will think we did.

What kind of sick

and incredibly talented person are you?

Look, Sean is a huge jerk and he judges people.

He thinks you're a dog and that I can't make an adult decision.

He needs to learn a lesson.

So you're just going to throw me under the bus?

Yeah, but it's a small bus.

Small buses kill thousands of people every year.

Okay, that's not a fact, but it seems possible.

Hey, guys, ahem, it's time to go.

Someone just found a "Dora the Explorer" Band-Aid in their food.

Apparently, she was exploring

for something at the bottom of a Cobb salad.

[ computer chimes ]

- Hello? - Hi.

Oh, hello, Patrick.

I just Skyped so you could see the look on my face.

Do you see this?

It's the face of a winner.

What are you talking about?

I just spent a mind-numbing eight hours with Benjamin.

He is unbearable in public,

the sex is completely boring--

I know that for a fact.

But as of this moment,

he is completely mine.

You're a liar.

And I know that for a fact because I just spent

the worst afternoon of my life with Benjamin.

And he's mine. I win.

Oh, oh, really?

Well, one of us is a liar

and I think I know who.

Oh, Benjamin.

- Oh. - Hi.

- [ gasps ] - Who are you?

What? Oh, my God.

Benjamin.

Why do you keep calling me that?

- My name's Lengerman. - [ gasps ]

Oh, hey, Benjamin.

How do you guys know my brother?

You're twins?

Oh, my God. We're dating different people.

See, I knew his name was Lengerman, you idiot.

Hey, Lengerman, I finally got a boyfriend.

- And I can lift him up. - Don't, don't, don't.

Cool, bro. Nice.

- [ giggles ] - [ sighs ]

Okay, it's a draw.

I'm going to go break up with mine now.

I bet I can break up with mine faster than you can break up with yours.

I bet you you're wrong. Go!

Lengerman, get out. Sweetie, get out.

Just because you pay me alimony

doesn't mean I have to be your art mule.

Why can't you buy your own damn panting?

Because I'm in it, it's kind of risqué,

and I'd feel weird buying it for myself.

Well, grow up. It's art. Sometimes people are naked.

Holy crap!

You're full-on having sex with that woman.

I'm not buying that.

And if you ask me, that frame's kind of tacky.

Good luck getting a new one 'cause no frame store's going to touch that thing.

Hey, hey, hey. When we were married,

I bought a lot of stuff for you that was embarrassing.

Hemorrhoid cream, breast pumps,

that Goo Goo Dolls album.

I just had a baby and that music made me not want to kill you.

Yeah, but it was the Goo Goo Dolls

and it kind of made me want to kill you.

Just get the damn painting and let's get out of here.

Well, what do I do?

Just walk up to one of these snooty art guys and say,

"Hey, I'd like the painting of that guy boning the woman who's half his age"?

First of all, it's art and it has a title.

- "Charlie Boning the Young Artist." - [ laughs ]

Well, you were close.

Fine, what do you want me to do?

Here. Take my checkbook.

Just go buy the damn thing so we can get it out of here before Sean shows up.

Okay. Hi.

Can I help you?

I see a lot of people drinking wine.

- Do you have any beer? - Jennifer.

Fine. I'll take that screw picture of there. How much?

- $3,000. - Quit kidding around.

That is the price the artist set.

Just buy it.

I guess he likes looking at his own junk. We'll take it.

I will give you $3,500.

Hey, buddy, I'm in the painting. Why do you want it so bad?

Well, I like the composition

and the way the artist uses light.

Sure you do, you pervert.

I will give you $5,000.

- Sir? - He can have it.

Oh, and you were right, I am a pervert.

I will write you a check,

Jennifer, you take the painting off the wall,

and, Sean, you just stand there with murder in your eyes.

[ gasps ]

Gentlemen, we cannot get drunk if you're not going to cooperate.

I am so sorry, Charlie.

For what? Your plan worked perfectly.

I didn't realize he'd go that far.

When I got to the gallery and they told me what happened,

I couldn't believe it.

How bad is your face?

Oh, crap.

Well, I guess there's only one thing we can do now...

have sex.

- Are you kidding me? - No.

He thinks we're guilty

and you've already been punished.

Well, that's true.

I got a black eye, a countertop martini,

and a $5,000 piece of doink art

I have no idea what I'm going to do with.

Charlie, look, I really do want you.

I mean, did you see that painting?

- Hmm? - Yeah, it was pretty hot.

- Yeah. - That's actually how I do look during sex.

Come on. Right now.

- Come on. Right now, right now, come on. - All right, all right.

You win. Let's do it.

I cannot think of one reason not to.

I got the reason.

You're still Sean's sister

and it's not going to happen.

I mean, you should know, though,

that I don't normally turn down somebody as hot as you,

but when I do, I know one thing for sure--

I always regret it.

[ knocks on door ]

Hang on, hang on.

I'm working with one eye, three martinis,

and a pain killer.

I don't even remember how I got down the stairs.

Hey.

If you're here to punch me again,

save your energy, I won't even feel it.

I'm not, all right? I'm not here to fight.

I had it out with Lauren.

She told me that you could've slept with her and you didn't,

so I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Charlie's not here right now, but if you'd like to leave a message,

- he'll never call you back. - Okay, come on. Are you serious?

I just said I was sorry. I don't get it.

What more do I have to do to get off the hook?

I think you owe me

5,000 bucks for the painting.

Ouch.

Okay, okay.

All right. See you tomorrow.

And the aforementioned painting

needs to hang above your fireplace.

So for the next two months, every time you walk downstairs,

you have to face your greatest nightmare.

So you're telling me that the centerpiece of my living room

has to be a painting of you racking up my sister?

You're-- whoa, whoa, whoa, that's your sister.

Show a little respect.

Son of a bitch. Okay.

So are we good?

We're good.

What about you and Lauren?

We're fine.

Apparently, I have to accept the fact that she's a grown woman

and she can do whatever she wants.

But still, don't have sex with her, okay?

Dude, I am not going to sleep with your sister.

Besides, everyone knows that the real hot piece of ass in the family is your mom.

You want to come up and say hi?