All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E62.Charlie.and.The.Mother.of.All.Sessions.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

Hey, Charlie.

Did you see this
article in today's paper?

No, no, so can we just
skip straight to the part

where you twist it around
to get something you want?

Sure. It says here
that men my age

who just sit
around the house
doing nothing all day

end up dead within
three years of retirement.

You retired
four years ago.

Why are you
stretching this out?

What I'm saying is

that I need at least
$200 more a month--

cost-of-living increase,

and that's just
$50 extra a week.

To go bowling,
play golf,

and go to the movies.

You already
do all of that.

I know, but I'd like
to do $200 more of it.

But you've never even
thanked me for the money
I give you now.

You're right.
Thank you.

But I'd really like
to know I'm covered--

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't say,

"Thank you, but..."
You always do that.

There is no "but"
after a "thank you."

Ah, you're right.
Again, thank you.

I really appreciate
all the money

you've given me every month.
It means the world to me.

- Well, you're welcome.
- But...

you're a cheapskate,
Charlie.

You just
did it again!

Charlie, I could be
dead any day now.

Well, that's why
I need the money.

I'm saving up
for the party.

All right,
everybody, sit down.

Let's get started.

What should we
talk about today?

I don't know.
I'll pick something random:

parents and why
they torture us.

Lacey, your mom's
a pain in the ass.

How do you
deal with that?

Communicating with her
is the key.

I find that not doing that
is really working for me.

Oh, my God, right?
Rather than fight
with my father,

I just yell at this old man
at the hardware store.

He just stands there
and takes it.

Especially
if I buy something.

If any of you need
a wrench,

I've got, like, 30.

Well, what do you
and your dad fight about?

Is it the gay thing?

No, Ed.
For your information,

my father is angry
at me because I don't want

to take over the family
construction business.

Ah, good for your father
for not admitting

it's the gay thing.

I like my dad.
Last time I saw him,

we smoked a joint together
and laughed all night.

When was that?

The day before
he abandoned the family.

Look, guys, talking to
your parents is difficult.

I know.
[ chuckles ]

My God, do I know.
[ sighs ]

But that relationship is
the core of your anger issues.

My God, do I know.

My daddy passed, Charlie,

and my mother hasn't said
a word to me

since the wife
and I split.

I'm sorry, Ed.
Your mother?

Well, yeah,
she's alive.

Apparently evil is
an embalming fluid.

[ whispering ]
I can't believe
we're doing this.

Well, I didn't go
through prison security
to say "hi."

Charlie could
be here any minute.
We could get caught.

I know, that's what
makes it fun.

You've never had
sex at work before?

The closest
I've ever come

was when I was
in high school and I
worked at the mall.

There was
a security guard

who used to touch himself
when I walked to my car.

That's good times.
I used to work at
the Pretzel Hut.

We did stuff
to the dough.

Jordakins!

Uh, just a second!

I had an incident and feel
I need to discuss it

with a trainedprofessional.

I'll be right there.

I'm dealing with
a furniture repairman.

I started a food fight
in the cafeteria

and thought it would lead
to comic hijinks,

but three people
are dead.

Why would I do that?

You know what?
I've changed my mind.

I don't want to do
anything with the office
furniture here.

I understand.
Well, maybe we can
continue

our, uh, furniture
discussion later at
the Merry Peasant.

That's an
interesting place

to have
a public discussion.

Yes. Yes, it is.

[ softly ]
Especially in
the restroom.

You know, I've been
in prison for a long time,

but are you gonna bang
that boy at a restaurant?

You're avoiding.

You're asking
questions about my life

instead of discussing
your own problems.

I do have
a problem.

My therapist won't tell me
whether she's gonna bang

her furniture repairman
at a restaurant.

[ theme music playing ]

So today I thought
we'd do something

a little bit
different.

Does it involve
a bat and a piñata?

Yes, Nolan, because
the best lesson

you can teach people
with anger issues

is that if you hit something
hard enough,

candy will fall out.

You know, the last time
I was blindfolded,

the guy said it was
gonna rock my world,

but he ended up
just stealing my TV.

[ chuckles ]
We must've gone out
with the same guy.

Here's a clue:

it has eight legs,

two wheels,
and it's the stuff

that nightmares
are made of.

If you put a spider
on me, Charlie,
I'll kill you.

No, it has two wheels.
It's a spider on a bicycle.

That's even scarier,
because you can't
outrun it.

No, it's not
a spider on a bike.

It's your parents!
Surprise!

- Oh, crap.
- Dad?

Anyone else have any
initial gut reactions?

Uh, I have
a little one--

this isn't my dad.

Patrick, this is no time
to fool around. I've got
a lot to deal with.

I'm not kidding, Charlie.
This isn't my father.

But there was only
two James McPatricks
in Des Moines.

This guy said
he was your dad.

The other guy said
his son was dead.

That's my dad!

Sorry I lied.
But once I heard
"free ticket to LA,"

I would've said I was
Mickey Mouse's dad.
[ chuckles ]

Speaking of which,
how far is Disneyland?

- About an hour and a half.
- Never mind. You're busy.

You can take me tomorrow.

Charlie, my mother's
already starting.

So if you see a red
handprint on her face,

it was probably Nolan.

He has no patience
for that judgmental bitch.

All right, I got to
get back out there.

Look, this man
obviously isn't your father.

So if you want to
leave, you can.

Are you kidding?
And miss the fights?

- I'm sticking around.
- Me, too!

Do they still have
Space Mountain?

I've heard that's
something else.

I'm not taking you
to Disneyland!

Okay, everybody,
take a seat.

Please sit next to
a family member.

Or somebody from the same
county you lived in.

What the hell
were you thinking

not to tell us our damned
parents were gonna be here?

Although I'm glad
you're here, Mama.

How was your flight?

Nothing!

Because if you knew
they were coming,

you all would have bailed.
Plus I gotta tell you,

the look on your faces
was priceless.

I, for one, just think
this whole idea

is really neat.

Oh, my God.
That is so weird.

I was thinking of
saying the word neat.

[ chuckles ]
I almost said cool.

But then I just thought,
you know, neat is better.

Genetics.

So what you're all gonna
do is split up.

Oh, that's a great idea.
My mom can stay here

and I'll go to Neiman's.

What's Neiman's?
Where is Neiman's?

Should I see that
while I'm here?

Nobody's going
to Neiman's.

You're all gonna split off
into different rooms,

start a dialogue,
and I'll come around

and make sure that
you're communicating
effectively.

I just want you
all to talk.

You hear that,
you vicious old crow?

You've got to talk.

She just threw
a pen at me!

Okay, this is
definitely a rule:

no throwing pens.

[ sighs ]
Why does she have
all these pens?

So are you excited?

Yes.

I mean none of these people
know what we're about to do.

You're gonna have
sex in the bathroom.

Us? No.
[ chuckles ]

We're here for the...
karaoke or...

the trivia or...

what's going on
here today?

Sex in the bathroom.

It happens here
every day.

That's why
I rent this

for $20.

Wait. So people are
always doing it in there?

I'll tell you what.

I'll let you use
the walk-in cooler,

but don't let your
tender parts touch nothing

'cause they will stick.

- [ sighs deeply ]
- Mm-mm.

Let's go back
to my place.

No, I still wanna
be in public.

Ooh! You know where
I've never done it?

A car.

You're never gonna
believe this...

but I just happen to have
a car in the parking lot

that will be perfect for
having sex in a car.

And hundreds of people
haven't had sex in it.

Yep.

Yep.

[ giggling ]
Oh, I mean when
you're baked,

you know, Indiana
and India sound...
[ chuckles ]

very similar.

And that's how
I ended up working at
a call center in Mumbai.

[ laughing ]

You know, Charlie said
that we should be...

talking about
the serious problems
with our relationship.

How can we have
serious problems
with our relationship?

I've seen you, like,
twice in 20 years.

[ laughing ]

[ sighs ]
Yeah.

You know why I don't
respect you?

- Because you're a whore!
- Okay, okay, okay!

Let's stop with
the name-calling.

Yeah, bitch,
follow the rules.

- Lacey?
- Okay, well, get this--

if I'm a whore,
how does it feel

to not be respected
by a whore?

How can you not respect me?
I've given you everything.

Yes, and I appreciate
that, but you--

You know what?
Never mind.

No, no, no, no!

"Never mind" is what
you two have been doing

for years
and it's not working.

"Never mind" is
the reason you wound up

in the bedroom with
me and your mom.

Okay, that
sounded weird.

I don't want to talk
about it anymore!

Lacey, Lacey, the whole
reason we're here

is to express
our feelings.

Tell her why you
don't respect her.

I promise she'll
be glad to hear it.

Dad cheated on you,
and you knew it!

He had sex with that
woman in his office

and you did
nothing about it!

- You're weak!
- [ gasps ]

- Wow.
- [ sighs ]

Okay, well, that's
a big bombshell.

But I promise that
that's the worst of it.

You've hit bottom.
It only gets better
from here.

And I am not weak!
I revenged myself
on your father

by sleeping with your
boyfriend, Juan Carlos!

You what?!

Okay, what I meant
to say is, it gets
better from here.

Hey, Patrick, where's
the best place in LA

to see movie stars?

Rehab.

Hey, I know you got screwed
out of the dad thing here,

so, uh, if you
want to talk...

I'd pretend
to be your dad.

You're a stranger.
I don't wanna talk to you.

You know nothing
about me.

Okay, okay. I was
just trying to help.

No, I was just pretending
you were my dad.

- Thank you!
- Oh.

Look, Mama, it's not
like it was in your day.

Sometimes young people,
such as myself,

get divorced.

All right.
If you won't say it,

write it down.

"Thanks for the pen"?

Well, so far, your mother
is my favorite person
in this house.

Tell me, was he
exactly like this
as a baby?

All bald and pink
and angry?

Damn it!
Patrick, get the hell
out of here!

[ whispering ]

Sure.

From now on, I'll be
speaking for your mother.

Anything you have to say
to her, you can say to me.

Damn it! I could kill
Charlie for this!

I would never interfere
with his crappy relationship
with his dad.

[ whispers ]

We think you
curse too much.

Oh, also, she says
you should close your mouth

when you're eating
donuts in group.

That was not her,
that was you!

I am not at
liberty to say.

[ sighs ]
I'm sorry about
the back seat.

It's fine up here.

Are you sure? I mean
it's a little cramped.

There's a hotel
around the corner.
We can do it there.

But then there's
no danger.

It's a really
seedy hotel.

Pretty good chance
we'd get shot.

Come on.

I've always wanted
to do it in a car.

All right.
Let's go. Come on.

- Here, just move this leg.
- Ow! Just be careful.

- Okay, there we go.
- [ car horn honks ]

That's the horn in case
you didn't hear that.

Okay.

All right.
[ sighs ]

Ooh! It's great what
you're doing with your
hands back there.

[ laughing ]
That's not my hands.

[ giggling ]
Oh, whatever
it is, I like it.

Mm-hmm.
Ow, ow, ow, ow!

- Sorry. Can you
move your leg?
- Sorry.

- Okay. Yeah,
that's better.
- Okay.

Are we moving?

I'm kinda pinned,
so moving's gonna have
to be your department.

[ all bickering ]

Hey, hey, hey!
Everybody!

Everybody quiet down
and have a seat!

This is totally
what I expected.

Getting angry and yelling
at each other is part
of the process.

My dad and I aren't
really angry,

we're just making fun
of these guys.

- [ chuckles ]
"You're a whore!"
- "No, you're a whore!"

- "You're a whore!"
- "No, you're a whore!"

I'm leaving.
This is a waste
of everybody's time.

No, no, no.
Nobody is leaving.

You're all gonna
make this work.

He's right, everybody.
I'm willing to dig in.

Look, I know that
it's not easy.

But even the most
dysfunctional families

can come to a place
of love and understanding.

Hello, everyone.
I'm Martin. Charlie's dad.

Dad? What are you
doing here?

Well, I thought this
might be a good time

for us to work out our
little difference.
You know?

And you can
show these people

that you practice
what you preach.

Actually, this is a private
group session that nobody
wants you to interrupt.

I do.

That's why
I called him.

Welcome aboard
the Pain Train, Charlie.

Whoo! Whoo!

Do you really think
I'm going to say yes

to your stupid $200 a month
just because it's in front
of my group?

I sure do.

Otherwise you're gonna
look like a hypocrite,

treating your old man
like a second-class citizen

in front of all
those people.

All right,
all right, fine.

You'll get your
$200 a month.

But you and I
are gonna pretend

- to work it out
in front of them.
- Why?

Because if they see
a difficult situation

resolved right before
their eyes,

it might give them
enough hope to continue.

All right, fine.

Get your checkbook out
and hold onto your socks

because you're about
to see the performance
of a lifetime.

I'm a pretty good
actor, you know.

Please, Dad.
You couldn't act
hot in a fire.

Follow my lead.

[ mocking ]
I'll try.

All right, everyone.
Obviously my dad and I

are having a fight.
So I thought it'd be good

for you guys to see
how we resolve it.

[ stiffly ]
Hold the phone, my son.

You want me to do this
in front of the group?

You did not
tell me that.

Well, we're doing it.

I want to show these people
how honest communication

can be successful
if you don't give up.

Fine. Then I will
go along with this,

but it will not
be easy for me,

for I am
a very shy man.

And a reserved man.

Good, well, the first step
in honest communication

is you're allowed
to speak in contractions.

Now, Dad, why are
you so angry?

I asked for a simple
cost-of-living increase.

Just $200 a month.

And I was refused.

Alas, I felt devaluated.

By you, alas.

Yeah, we heard
the first alas.

Look, I understand
how you feel,

but sometimes I feel
underappreciated by you.

- I'm very sorry.
- And I'm very sorry.

And now that we've had
this open communication,

I feel better about
giving you the money.

- And the car.
- So, you see how when--

wait, what?!

- We talked about this.
- We never talked about that.

- And you have a car.
- It's a piece of junk
that barely moves.

Well, it was good enough
to get you here to
blackmail me.

Ah, blackmail.
No, blackmail is when

you tell these people
you'll help them get
rid of their anger,

but it's gonna cost
them a lot of money.

Are you kidding? They cost me money.

I flew everybody
out at my expense

and put 'em up in hotels,
including this guy,

who isn't even
related to anybody.

Thank you again.
This is terrific.

You gave these people money
and refused your own father?

Thank God your mother
is not alive to see this,
may she rest in peace.

She's in Florida.
She's not dead.

But, alas,
you are to me.

Whoo! Whoo!

Ed, I can't believe
you brought Charlie's
father into this.

You think that is
a terrible thing to do?

Absolutely.

And I loved
every second of it.

She did, too.

You see?
We agree on something.

If you think about it,

apart from my wife
and I splitting up,

we agree on
most everything.

No.

Divorce is a sin.

You're not the same
young man I raised.

Well, sure, I am, Mama!

I still can't stand
illegal immigrants

or liberals
or women in uniform,

except for nurses.
[ chuckles ]

I'm proud of you
for not including
gay people.

Oh, and gay people.

Thanks for
reminding me, Patrick.

You're one of
the good ones.

You see, Mama?

I'm still the same
boy I always was.

Gimme a hug.

[ laughs ]

Aw, so much hate.

And, thankfully,
so little time.

Hey, guys.

I just wanna say
that I'm really sorry

that I lost it
in front of everybody.

Yeah, it was
pretty upsetting.

I mean, not like if
your dad abandoned
you for 20 years,

but still
pretty upsetting.

Yeah, something like
that'd be a real bummer.

You did that to me.

How can you not
understand that?

You stupid pothead.

- Let it all out, Nol--
- I will!

In second grade,
on Bring Your Father
to School Day,

I brought a picture
of Harrison Ford!

Everybody loved me.
And I was a liar.

...and then in high school,
Mom was the only one there
to teach me how to shave.

I was 20 before
I realized I didn't
have to do my armpits!

...and in fourth grade,
Joey DeLoy told me

that my wiener had an eye
and it could see everything

and it was storing information
in the brains under the neck.

[ screaming ]
I didn't know what the hell
was going on down there!

[ crying ]
That's all I got.

Dude, I'm sorry.

Listen, I have a few
baseballs laying around.

You guys should
play some catch.

I don't know.
I'm a little wasted.

Well, try anyway.

It'd be like a stoner
"Field of Dreams."

Actually,
"Field of Dreams"

was like a stoner
"Field of Dreams."

- How you feeling?
- How do you think
I'm feeling?

I just found out
that my mom had sex with
the guy I was dating.

Lacey, think about it--

after what she did,
she can never call you
a whore again.

- I guess you're right.
- Based on the latest studies,

when a mother
and daughter stop calling
each other whore,

that's when
the healing begins.

I guess it goes back
to that old saying,

"A sleeping bear
is just a pillow if you
don't wake it up."

What does that mean?

I don't know.
I might be a little high.

I was out there
for a while.

I don't know.

I mean, we both
got in the car to go

and it must've just
slipped out of gear.

$20. It's all it
would've cost you. $20.

- Dad, I am not gonna--
- No, no. No. Wait.

Before you say anything,
my bad on the car, the money,

and for slandering you
in front of the group.

- What's the catch?
- You've been terrific.

And you're right.
All I seem to ever
do is take.

But the next time
you see me,

I'm gonna bring
something to the party.

Well, thanks, Dad.
I appreciate that.

I just need a car
to get to the party

and some money to buy
the thing I'm bringing.

I am a shy man.

And reserved.

But I am going to beat you
with this giant spoon.

Oh, no, no, no!