All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E61.Charlie.Lacey.and.The.Dangerous.Plumber.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

All right, for two steps,
who said this phrase

six months ago
and also last week?

"I hate everybody
in this room."

I know!
Patrick.

That is correct.

You are now two steps
closer to getting your car
keys and going home.

By the way, I would have
also accepted Lacey or Ed.

Lacey or Ed.

Can we make this next
question for eight steps

so I can answer it,
get my car keys,

and get the hell
out of here?

No, and you miss the next
round for giving me attitude.

[ laughing ]

I hate everybody
in this room!

Who said a year
and a half ago,

"I don't have a problem,
everybody else has
the problem"?

Ooh, I know this one.
It was Lacey.

And for a bonus step,
that was in regards to what?

Her texting in group,
her drinking in group,

her not wearing
underwear in group,

her texting a photo
of herself not wearing
underwear in group

while drinking.

Wow, somebody's been
paying attention.

Except for Lacey.

I'm texting with
my stupid ex.

Sorry, but that would
have been the correct answer
to the last question.

No, he won't give me back
my elliptical machine,

my television set
or my beanbag chair.

Hey, I gave you
that beanbag chair
for your birthday.

I know.
It meant a lot to me.

Anyway, I really
want my television
and my elliptical.

All right, let's just
keep playing the game.

Can I go to
the bathroom first?

Upstairs.
The one down here
is broken.

If he goes,
he loses his place
and has to start over.

Never mind, then.
I can hold it.

I ever tell y'all about
my trip to Niagara Falls?

All that water gushing
over that cliff,

pouring, flowing.

Shhhhhh!

I can't make it
upstairs!

All right, grab your keys.
Let's call it a day.

Perfect.

I was gonna
talk about something,
but we didn't get to it

because you had
to play your stupid game.

And I was winning.

Okay, nobody leaves.

But if this is
another humble brag

about you being on
"America's Top Designer,"

we're all gonna
be really pissed.

No, this is real.

This is about
my private life.

The other day
I was having lunch
with a friend

and a stranger
interrupted me

because he wanted
to get a photo with me

because I am famous
on a reality show.

All right, everybody,
continue leaving.

Brag while you can,
Patrick.

You know you're totally
gonna lose, right?

Why would I lose?

I'm designing the best
clothes on the show.

Because you're the villain
and the villain never wins.

Villains win
all the time.

I mean, look at
"Lobster Truckers."

Trayvon? No.

- "Swamp Wars."
- Kyle? No.

"Redneck Ghost Hunters."

- Billy Joe?
- Oh, my God.

He didn't even make it
to the haunted washing machine
on the front porch round.

Well, Patrick,
you may not win,

but at least it's better
than getting a ticket

for pissing
on Charlie's lawn.

Good job there, Nolan.

[ theme music playing ]

So, Jack,
how excited are you,

getting out
after 10 years?

What's the first thing
you're gonna do?

Go spit on Spider's grave
for ratting me out.

Then I'm thinking about
getting involved in some
kind of animal rescue.

- I love cats.
- Really?

I am totally into horses.

You are?
I had no idea.

Well, as the first
prisoner to complete

our prerelease
therapy program,

you're also the first to
receive our new pamphlet,

"How to Handle
Your Anger."

This says "How to
Handle Your Dangler."

What?

Damn it!

I guess a lot
of those poor guys

in the prison print shop
don't know how to spell.

But they do know
how to draw pictures

of men handling
their danglers.

This was on purpose.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Charlie.

Sorry I'm late.
I was stuck all morning
with a plumber.

Turns out I have
to repipe half my house.

I know the guy's
ripping me off.

Well, that sucks.
But the good news is

today is Jack's last day.

- Oh, hey, that's right.
- I just want to say thanks.

I know it won't
be easy out there.

Nobody trusts a guy
who did time for breaking
and entering,

forgery,
and gun charges.

Well, then you
have them call me.

We've been working
together in here for
the last six months

and I believe
in you 100%.

That means a lot
to me, Charlie.

'Cause I'm a plumber.

Uh...

you're a what?

Yeah, and I'll fix
your entire house for free.

Not a lot of people
want to hire a plumber
who did time

for breaking and entering,
forgery, and gun charges.

I'd love to hire you,
but I can't.

I already promised
the job to my cousin.

Your cousin's the plumber
who's gonna rip you off?

Yeah, it's a family
tradition.

We rip each other off.

Christmas dinner
is just one big brawl.

Plus, the presents
are terrible.

Jack, why don't you
take a minute

to fill out
your certificate
of completion?

Or, as the prison
print shop calls it,

"certificate
of copulation."

- You are a hypocrite.
- What?

You are telling
these people

that they're ready
to function in
the outside world,

but then you won't
even hire one of them.

If you don't believe
in Jack, you don't
believe in this program.

Of course I do.
I invented the program.

I'm just not ready
to test it by putting
a professional thief

in a house filled
with all my cool stuff.

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

I am ashamed.

I'm ashamed that I care about
all my stuff as much as I do.

- Charlie.
- Fine. Fine.

I'll hire the home invasion
guy to do my plumbing.

But the next time you
complain about the girl
that does your hair,

I'm gonna send over
an ax murderer.

[ knocking ]

Hey, Nolan.
Thanks for coming
over so fast.

One of the benefits
of living next door.

You know, I could
get here even faster

if you let me
put that dog door
in between our apartments.

Okay, so the reason
why I called you

is because my ex said
I could finally come over

and get my stuff,
but I need some help.

- Is he gonna be there?
- No, that would be so awkward.

He's just gonna leave
the door open for me.

The thing is
that it sticks,

so I'm gonna need you
to kick it in.

Wait a minute.

It sounds like what you're
asking me to do here is...

karate.

Which I've never taken.

But I do have a coupon in
my place for two free lessons

and a third's half off,
so I could probably afford that.

I just want to bust in
and get my stuff.

Okay? Why can't you
just be regular stupid

instead of this
time-wasting stupid?

I don't know.

I have three
basic theories.

Number one--
poor parenting.

Number two--
serious vitamin deficiency.

Get out!
Get out.

Okay, you know,
I could get out
of here even faster

if you let me put in
that doggie door.

Get out. Get out.
Get out. Get out.

Well, your cousin
was right.

Problems run
through the house.

This is gonna
take a while.

So, like, what?
An hour?

You can finish up in an hour
and then take off?

Yeah, right.

You know, I don't think
I've even been in
a house this nice.

Well, not during the day.

And never for more
than a few minutes.

Yeah, well, everyone
thinks that therapists
make a lot of money.

Truth is, we don't.

Everything I own
is crap.

Really?
That flat screen TV
looks pretty expensive.

Are you kidding me?
Those are really cheap.

The only upside is they come
with tracking chips now.

Look at that,
it's still in
the living room.

I'm gonna go check
the water pressure
in the kitchen.

It's funny, I was just
heading in there myself.

Gonna reorganize
my silverware.

I do that on...
today.

[ knocking ]

I'll be right there.

What's the deal with
your door being locked?

I have got a felon
working in the house

and I want him
to know this place
is not an easy target.

- Where is he?
- He's in the kitchen.

So then why aren't
you in there?

Because my jackhole
neighbor showed up.

Come on, let's go.

Don't mind us, Jack.
My buddy Sean and I

are just grabbing a couple
of beers and catching up.

How's it going
at work, Sean?

I got to get some
tools out of my bag.

You know, that's an answer
I would love to hear
over a game of pool.

Charlie, I've got to run
down to Home Depot.

You know, I'm gonna be
running in and out all week.

It might be easier
if you just give me a key.

Oh, yeah.

The deal is, Jack,
I have a thing about keys.

The only people I ever
give them to is family.

Hey, Charlie.

Oh, hey, Aunt Lacey.

Aunt Lacey?

Save your questions
for group.

This key keeps sticking.
Can I get another one?

Sure, Grandpa.

Thanks for leaving the key
under the mat, Charlie.

I can't believe
how you trust people.

That's just how I am,
Cousin Patrick.

I lost all the keys
you gave me.

They're floating
around somewhere.

Not a problem...

weird kid we adopted.

So they're all
related to you?

Yeah, it's a big,
crazy family.

But I love 'em.

Okay, that was
the damnedest
session ever.

Was it just me,
or was Charlie jumping
up every five minutes

to check on
that psychotic-looking
plumber in there?

Yeah, he was
totally distracted.

I noticed it and I was on
my phone the whole time.

You still didn't
get your stuff back
from your ex?

No. And now
he's out of town,

so I'm trying to get
his landlord to let me in,

but the guy does not
answer his phone.

It's like
if someone calls you,
you answer your phone.

- You know?
Don't be a douche.
- [ phone chimes ]

Oh, it's my mom.
Good-bye.

Before everyone leaves,
I still don't have a way

to seem more sympathetic
on "America's Top Designer."

I don't want to get
kicked off this show.

What if Ed pretended to be
your homophobic dad

and you had a tearful
reunion with him?

Yes! And we haven't
talked in, like, 20 years

and you come back
to make peace.

And you say
you're done being gay

and I say
I'm proud of you.

Or you come out
of the closet

as a giant Texas drag queen
and your catchphrase is,

"Everything
is bigger in Texas

and I like it
like that."

[ coughing ]

Um, Nolan's choking.

Wait a minute.
That is a great idea.

What is?

Our challenge this week
is to make a shirt

out of things we find
in a candy store.

Nolan can pretend
to be some random guy
choking on a jawbreaker.

I can save his life
and then everyone
will love me.

Oh, great.
You can practice on me.

Okay.

Need some water?

Not mine.
Go get your own.

[ coughs ]

Thank God
I wasn't alone.

That could have
been serious.

Charlie,
I got some beer.

I can't talk right now.
Jack's in the other room.

Holy crap, I knew it.
He took the bait.

Jack.

What's up?

This is difficult.

I really do
want to trust you,

but a couple hours ago,
I left a hundred dollar bill

on the table
and now it's gone.

Oh, that was yours?

Money that's
in my house

tends to be, generally,
with few exceptions, mine!

So do you want
the change?

Yes.

So you thought
I stole your money.

Clearly
a misunderstanding.

I'm sorry, Jack.

Beer?

This is more than
a misunderstanding.

You've been
following me all day.

The whole key thing?
You don't trust me.

He's got a point, Charlie.
You do have trust issues.

Oh, your car keys.
I used your car. Sorry.

Look, I am really
sorry about all this.

I have no problem
with you at all.

Cool.

Because if you got
no problem with me,

how about putting
in a good word with
your Aunt Lacey, huh?

Okay, sure.

- Done.
- Thanks.

Hey, wouldn't it be
funny if someday I ended
up as your uncle?

[ chuckles ]

For the record,
that would only be
a little bit funny.

It wouldn't
be funny at all.

Now I've got to stop her
from dating this guy

without letting her
know how dangerous he is
because that's her type.

What's her type?

Uneducated bad-boy
knuckleheads.

She went out with me.

You're gonna make me
say it, aren't you?

So you came all the way
over here to tell me

that I shouldn't go out
with the plumber?

Yeah, he asked me
to put in a good word
because I trust him,

but I don't.

It doesn't matter.
All you had to do was
tell me he's a plumber

'cause that's gross.

Actually, it's good,
honest work

done by good,
honest people

except for this guy
who's an ex-con.

- See you later.
- Wait, he's an ex-con?

Did I say ex-con?

I meant to say that
he works for ConEx.

It's like FedEx,
but only in Connecticut.

What did he do?

It was breaking
and entering mostly.

Really? Oh, cool.
Thanks for stopping by.

This was really helpful
whatever you just said.

I'll see you in group.

No, no, Lacey.
It's not cool.

You're always attracted
to bad boys.

Aren't you tired of guys
that treat you like crap,

steal your stuff,
and are covered with
misspelled tattoos?

Charlie, that last guy
had a foot fetish, okay?

He meant to write
"Born to raise heel."

Yeah, but this is a pattern
we're trying to break.

No, it's not.
It's a pattern
you're trying to break.

- I'm kind of into it.
- I really think we should
talk more about this.

[ knocks ]

Can I come back in?

I don't feel like
I quite accomplished
what I came here to do.

So, our challenge today
is to burst inside

a busy candy store and grab
all the supplies

we need to make a shirt
made out of candy.

Of course, I'm the only
one who planned ahead,

so everyone else is running
around in a mad panic.

I mean,
look at Courtney.

Usually, she is so smug.

But how's she gonna
make fringe when I got
all the gummy worms?

[ coughing ]

Oh, my God.
That man is choking.

I'll save you.

Don't worry,
you're gonna be okay.

What the hell
are you doing?

Saving this man's life.

I was gonna
save his life.

Didn't you see me
run over here?

I got here first.
What difference
does it make?

It makes
a big difference!

Why don't we let
him decide who saves
his life or not?

Are you crazy?
He's choking.

Okay, you, raise one
finger if you want me
to save your life

or two fingers
for her.

No, I said one for me,
two for her.

[ grunts ]

[ applause ]

Thank you so much.

No, don't thank her!

She's not the hero.
I'm supposed to be the hero.

She stole my thunder
just like she stole

last week's pantsuit
design from Versace.

Yeah, that's right, honey.
You're done.

You can turn
your scissors in.

Excuse me?

I'm sorry, you want
me to turn in my scissors?

Well, that hardly seems--

Okay.

So that is pretty much how
pediatric neurosurgery works.

It's like working
on a normal brain,

only it's smaller.

So are the surgical
instruments smaller, too?

Are they, Dr. Goodson?

Yeah, I'm pioneering
a pair of tiny tweezers

that should really
change the game.

If you'll excuse me,
I have to go call

the teeny, tiny hospital.

Lacey, it's Charlie.

Look, I know you're having
fun with Jack,

but if you're on
a drug run or lying
unconscious somewhere,

call me,
let me know you're okay.

Charlie, you've got to
let this Lacey thing go.

I can't.
I feel like
it's my fault.

I'm the one who made him
look like a bad boy.

Listen, man,
sometimes grown women
make bad decisions.

Like those two
that decided they want
to have sex

with pretend
baby surgeons.

Now, can we go do this?

[ phone chimes ]

Jordan?

I want you to know I put
my money where my mouth is.

I just cosigned
for Jack's moving van
even though you wouldn't.

He never asked me
to cosign.

And what's he need
a moving van for anyway?

The guy
doesn't have any stuff.

Plus, he's on a date
with Lacey.

[ gasps ]
Oh, my God!
You were right.

He's gonna line
the van with plastic,

kill her, and drive
her dead body to a landfill.

What are you talking about?
The guy's not a murderer.

He's a breakerer
and enterer.

Sorry, I've been watching
too much "Dateline."

They should really
call that show "Dateline:
Murder in a Van."

I think I know
what's going on.

- Murder in a van?
- Will you stop it?

Lacey's using Jack

to break into
her ex-boyfriend's house
to get her stuff back.

I got to get over there
and see if I can stop them.

Be careful.

Don't worry about me.

Something bad happens,
my name's not on that van.

Whoever signed
for that thing is screwed.

Hello, Lacey.

- Charlie.
- Hey, man, what's up?

Jack, do not let her talk
you into breaking into her
ex-boyfriend's place.

I mean, she's cute
and she's fun,

but she's not worth
going back to prison for.

Charlie, we're going out
to round up feral cats
and have them neutered.

Oh, come on.
Rental van, the gloves,
the black clothes.

If a third grader
drew burglars,

it'd be a picture
of you guys.

The gloves are so
we don't get scratched

and the black is
so they don't see us
sneaking up on them.

Oh, really?

Feral cats are wandering
the streets getting pregnant

and crapping out dozens of
starving kittens every day.

Okay, that's not
how it works.

- And you're lying.
- [ gasps ]

Why do you want kittens
to die, Charlie?

Tell you what.
Since you're not
committing any crimes,

just gonna go round up
a bunch of stray cats,
I'll come with you.

Fine. I hope
you don't mind

- sitting in the back
with the cats.
- Not a problem.

Do you mind putting
kittens in your pockets
to keep them warm?

- I'm fine with that.
- If a kitten has
a heart attack,

are you prepared
to do cat CPR?

There are no cats!
Let's go!

Hey, Patrick.
Thought I'd find
you here.

Sorry about
what happened.

It's not your fault.
It was a bad plan.

It was doomed
from the start.

Apparently, screaming
at someone for saving
a life is frowned upon,

even on reality TV.

Except for every darn week
on "Hillbilly Paramedic."

I just-- I just want
to be famous

and live in the world
of people who make
a difference.

Like the Kardashians.

You don't have to be on TV
to have an interesting life.

Oh, right.

Have you ever shut
your eyes on a bus

and woke up and had
no idea where you are?

That's interesting.

I do that every day.

That's terrifying.

You should try it.
Come on, you and me,

let's have an adventure.

Let's sleep together
on a bus.

You know
something, Nolan?

I'm gonna say no.

That's okay.
I got to get up
early anyway.

I'm being interviewed
by "Entertainment Tonight,"

"Extra," and "TMZ."

- What?
- Yeah.

Apparently,
I'm the first person
whose life was saved

from choking
on a reality show.

I'm gonna be famous.

Oh, my God.
What happened to you?

I did right by my patients
just like you wanted me to.

And your patients
scratched your face up?

No, I stopped them
from breaking into Lacey's
ex-boyfriend's apartment.

Unfortunately,
the only way to do that

was through a van
of feral cats.

What?

They were pretending
to go out and rescue cats

and I called their bluff.

How do you know
they weren't

actually going out
to look for cats?

Because they weren't.

Well, Jack told me
he was thinking about

starting a cat rescue.

That would have been
nice to know.