All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E60.Charlie.Cops.A.Feel.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

You know, usually
in the morning I work out
and shower at the gym,

but I think
I burned twice as many
calories today.

Well, we did
do a lot of work
on chest and glutes.

So I thought tonight
we'd work on,

I don't know,
how about chest and glutes?

I've got to get
ready for work.

Okay.

[ door closes ]

So what happened to you
at the bar last night?

I didn't think
you were ever going to
come back to the table.

Well, you were doing shots
with all those cops.

- So?
- I don't know.

I've always had issues
with authority figures.

My dad, my teacher.

I don't even like
head cashiers.

Most cops
are good people.

I guess you don't
listen to rap.

Well,I'm
good people.

[ laughs ]
Wow. Great trick.

Can you do it again,
this time, come back out
as a slutty doctor?

I'm a cop, Charlie.

That's crazy.
When I met you,

you were ending
a bad relationship with
a convicted criminal.

Hey, sometimes you meet
people at work.

Are you okay
with this?

Yeah, I haven't done
anything illegal.

Of course, I can't
go back to Florida,

but that's between me
and the Disney cops.

So, Ed, I know
you were having
some problems

approaching that woman
who works at the counter
at McDonald's.

You ask her out yet?

I got cold feet.

I had to ask her
over the intercom

at the drive-thru
instead.

I got a yes.

That's great.

Yeah, till I drove up
and realized

I'd asked
a 16-year-old boy

for a candlelight dinner
on the beach.

Still, getting a yes
is a real confidence
booster.

Oh, yeah, I feel
like a million bucks.

Talk to somebody else.

No need, time's up.
See you all next week.

Hey, can anyone
pick me up from the dental
college tomorrow?

I have to get
my wisdom teeth pulled

and I'm gonna be
kind of out of it.

I know it's cheaper,
but do not let a student
dentist practice on you.

I was my friend's
final exam haircut
at barber school.

I spent the night
in the ER.

This ear,
totally reconstructed.

Nolan, I'd offer
to take you,

but I feel like
we need some space
after I saw you

naked this morning
in our building's
laundry room.

I was washing my pants.
What do you expect?

Underwear.

I would take you
in a second, Nolan,
but I don't want to.

All right, fine.
I'll take him

since no one else seems
the least bit concerned

about the inherent dangers
of Nolan alone

on a bus whacked out
on laughing gas.

[ doorbell rings ]

Why is there a cop
at the door?

Oh, man,
y'all remembered
it is my birthday

so you got me a stripper.
Well, bring her in.

I'm ready.

You got change
for a dollar?

No, it's
a real cop, Ed.

A real cop?
I got to get rid
of my weed.

Oh, good,
I don't have any weed.

What the hell did I do
with my weed?

Hey, Maureen.
Come on in.

- Everybody,
this is Maureen.
- Hey, everybody.

- Ed: Hey.
- Patrick: Officer.

Charlie's going out
with a cop?

I've got
to take a picture.
Get together.

- [ camera clicks ]
- Did you get it?

Oh, my God.

No, that was a selfie.
I look so great.

Take the picture
or I'll have her
tase you.

- [ camera clicks ]
- Okay. Got it.

All right, great.
See everybody next week.

So what's up,
sweetie?

You know, it was
bugging me the way
that you feel about cops.

So I thought
that maybe you'd feel more
comfortable about what I do

if I took you
on a ride-along.
You up for it?

One question.

If another cop
catches us having sex
in your patrol car,

will the universe explode
from awesomeness?

Only one way
to find out.

Let's roll.

[ theme music playing ]

[ knocks ]

- Hi.
- Hey. Thanks for
coming over.

[ sighs ]
Sorry I'm late,

but traffic
was terrible.

- What are you doing?
- Getting naked.

That's why you called
me over here, right?

Your text, by the way,
that was adorable.

"Please come over here
so we can talk"?

[ laughs ]
We can talk, all right.

I'm about to give you
a serious tongue-lashing.

This is why I wanted
to talk to you.

The only reason
that I had sex with you
the other night

is because we were
both sick and I was
high on cough syrup.

[ imitates whip ]

In your text you sounded
a bit congested.

Listen, I apologize
for misleading you.

It was
a one-time thing.

Now would you please
put away your nipples?

[ sighs ]

Can we please
be grown-ups?

We had incredible sex
and I think that we should
do it again.

The only reason
it was incredible

is because I was
out of my mind
on codeine.

It was incredible

because we have awesome
sexual chemistry.

Okay, let's say,
theoretically,

I might be into
trying casual sex.

You would have to
at least ask me
to dinner.

Okay, you want to
go out to dinner?

Are you kidding me?
I don't want to be seen
in a public place with you.

All right,
then I'll make spaghetti.

- Right now?
- Right now.

Put your shirt on.

I don't like armpit hair
in my spaghetti.

Great, so now I have
to change my recipe also?

Woman on radio:
All cars in the vicinity,

we have a 389
on Wilshire and Veteran.

Why do we have to keep
listening to yourstations?

- The DJs never shut up.
- [ laughs ]

So have the last few hours
given you

a better idea of what
I do for a living?

Yeah, you're a woman
who drives around all day

and sometimes waves
at a kid.

Basically an ice cream man
with a gun.

Did you see that bicycle
just blow through
that stop sign?

These guys
think they don't
have to obey

the same rules
that cars do.

- Want me to light 'em up?
- Go for it.

[ siren blares
intermittently ]

[ plays "Shave and a Haircut"
on siren ]

You can stop now.

I'll be right back.

Okay, but if you
need backup,

I'm a hotshot rookie
who plays by his own rules.

[ laughs ]

Sir, you knew
there was a stop sign
back there.

You went
right through it.

Man:
Yeah, but there's
no traffic,

so I figured
who am I gonna hurt?

If you were watching,
I slowed down.

Maureen:
If I waswatching?

- [ bangs ]
- Do notmove!

Put your hands
were I can see them.

Am I watching you
enough now?

Huh, am I?
Am I?!

Dude, say yes!

I got to be honest.
That was the best spaghetti
I've ever had.

You know what the trick is?
You throw a noodle up
on the ceiling.

If it sticks,
you know it's perfect.

It's still on my ceiling,
isn't it?

It'll fall by the time
we're done having sex.

That's how you know
the sex is perfect.

Wait, wait, wait.
We're not there yet.

Okay, you realize that
sex isn't like swimming?

You don't have to wait
30 minutes after you eat.

I just want
to know you better.

Like, tell me a funny anecdote
from your childhood.

Okay, I went
to school with a kid
named Richard Tease.

We all called him Dick.
Nobody liked to hang
out with him.

You're right.
I'm sorry.

I want this
to happen.

You know what
makes me feel sexy?

Watching
"The Sound of Music."

[ music playing on TV ]

Okay, I don't think
you're ready for this,

so I'm gonna--
I'm gonna go.

What about "Chicago"?

Jordan, you could have
said "Transformers,"

I was still
gonna leave.

Well, Clay,
you have completed
our program successfully

and we feel like you
are ready to handle

the stresses that come
with rejoining society.

I just hope my old jobs
are still available.

I worked mornings
at Circuit City and nights
at Blockbuster.

Well, if it's any consolation,
I don't think anybody's
taken your old jobs.

Ugh, I'm worried
about him.

At least he doesn't have
a workplace to shoot up.

Hey, listen, there's
this cop I've been seeing

and she's coming by
to drop off a prisoner.

And I'm breaking it
off with her,

so would you mind--

- Leaving? No problem.
- No, no, no, no.

Stay.
She's got a temper
and a loaded gun.

Your screams of terror
might affect her aim.

Hey, can I ask you
something?

How do you have
casual sex with someone

and still be able to look
at yourself in the mirror
the next morning?

How do I do it?

Oh, let me think.

Oh, I know.
I'm a dude.

Hey, Charlie.
Sorry I'm late.

The prisoner got
a little rowdy,

so I had to give him
a little talking to.

Bang, bang, bang!
[ laughs ]

Hi. I'm Jordan.

Just gonna be at my desk
using my stapler.

Bang, bang, bang.

Maureen, can you
sit down for a second?

Just have a couple
of things I want to
talk to you about.

Sure, what's up?

Well, I just don't think
that we're a good fit.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm a "talk
the problem through"
kind of guy,

and you're
a "grab the problem
by the hoodie

and smash it
into the windshield"
kind of girl.

I see.
So you're
afraid of me?

No, no. No.
I just think that
you deserve a man

who can sleep
next to you

with both eyes
closed.

All right, then.

So you're okay
with this?

In this room I am

where everything we do
is on camera.

Nice to meet you.

You, too.

Keep it real.

Well, that went well.

I just hope she and I
can be friends.

You know, in a few months
after I've had time to buy
and register a handgun.

You were a real trouper
at the dentist, Nolan.

How you feeling?

Is this real life?

I'd say that's
the drugs talking

if you hadn't asked me
that same question

every day
for the past year.

[ siren blares ]

Aw, crap.

Oh, turn it up.

I love this song.

Oh, no.
It's Maureen.

Am I gonna feel
like this forever?

Yes.

License
and registration, sir.

"Sir"?
Come on, Maureen.

Don't use this
as an opportunity
to get back at me.

Please step out
of the vehicle, sir.

- Maureen--
- Out of the car!

Don't worry.
I'll drive myself home.

But which steering wheel
should I use?

Bye-bye.

Okay, everybody,
clear the street.

Nothing to see here.

Look, if you want
to talk, let's talk,
but this is ridiculous.

I miss you, Charlie.
I miss you so much.

It's been an hour
and a half.

Just get back together
with me and all this
will go away.

All this what?

Your drunk
driving charge.

You just blew a 1.2
on the Breathalyzer.

What are you talking about?
I never took a Breathalyzer.

[ blows ]

Oh, hey, a 1.4.

This is worse
than I thought.

Okay, okay,
this is exactly

why I don't want
to see you anymore.
You abuse your power.

I just want to be
with you so badly.

Just promise me

that you'll
think about it.

I can't
promise anything.

[ screaming ]

I promise!
I promise!

Where's Charlie?
We've been sitting
here for 15 minutes.

I got a beatdown in the yard
I've pushed twice already.

I don't want to get
a reputation as a flake.

Well, while
we're waiting,

did anybody
do the assignment?

We were supposed
to write our obituaries.

I did.
I'll go.

"Wayne Lee Earl,

husband, father,
philanthropist, killer."

Wait, that doesn't
read right.

Should say "husband killer,
father killer,

philanthropist killer."
That's better.

I like that.

Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.

I got maced.

Spent last night
in jail.

Uh, we all spent
last night in jail.

What'd you do to get
arrested, Charlie?

I didn't do anything.

- Wayne: Neither did I.
- And I didn't pull my pants
down in that pet shop.

No, no, no,
guys, guys, guys.

Seriously,
I was set up.

- I was set up, too.
- Wayne: I should have
told my lawyer that.

No, no, no.
No, no, no.

Wait, guys,
I'm actually innocent.

Well, that's different.

You never said that.

Yeah, I just broke up
with this cop

and now she's messing
with me because I won't
get back with her.

Why can't she just take
a baseball bat to my car

like a normal person
and move on?

Ooh, you can
beat this, Charlie.

You just have to prove
that you and cop lady

were in
a relationship.

Yeah, do you have anything
that links you romantically

like a love letter
or a restraining order?

What about a lock
of her hair?

Or a picture you took
with her corpse?

She's not dead,
Wayne.

Oh, well, there's the root
of your relationship problem.

Wait a minute.

A patient of mine
took a picture of me and her

a couple of days ago.
I could use that.

Well, it lacks
the beautiful finality

of a dead body
in a wedding dress,

but I guess
I'm happy for you.

Well, thanks, Wayne.

You know, for a criminally
insane guy,

you're all right.

[ knocks ]

Hey, Sean.

Okay, you have made
a booty call.

That means I will not
be making dinner

or dancing
or telling stories

or watching movies
starring Julie Andrews

or Nazis.

Absolutely.

I'm ready.
I just want sex.

Good deal.
Big fan.

Oh, and look.
I made a list

of the things I want
to do in the order
I want to do them.

Oh, stick figure
diagrams.

Now, going down
my list,

I really like
number three.

Oh, I also like
number four.

You can probably
do that to me again.

Okay, but four
we did to each other.

Well, I'm not
gonna do it again,

but if you
want to do it to me,
that's totally fine.

Wow, seven-minute
intermission for
rehydrating.

Yes, and
general hygiene.

These are
guidelines, right?

I mean, this is
a long night.

We don't have to do it
in this exact order.

Well, that's the whole
point of the list.

One leads to two,
two leads to three.

I mean, the most I could
give you is 10 before nine.

But that would move up
our general hygiene break.

I'm gonna go.

You're just way too
much in your own head.

But I really want
to be spontaneous.

You want spontaneity?
Here's spontaneity.

I am just gonna show up
without telling you

and we are gonna do
whatever feels good.

In the moment.
That is casual sex.

Is that
what you want?

- Totally.
- Great.

All right,
but I was wondering,

could you give me
a little window of time
like the cable company does?

[ knocks ]

Damn, Charlie.
What's the matter
with you?

What's the matter with you?
I've been trying to get
a hold of you for hours.

I turned my phone off.
I just broke up with
this guy Travis

and he keeps sending
me angry emojis.

One of them had a knife
next to a high-heeled shoe.

Do what you want to me,
but don't threaten my babies.

Well, turn it
back on.

I need that photo you
took of me and Maureen
or I'm going to jail.

I didn't
take that picture
with my phone.

I took it
with Travis's phone.

What the hell are you
doing with his phone?

I stole it.
I thought I was
in love with him,

so I needed
to spy on him.

All these women
kept calling.

"It's your mom.
Call me back."

"It's your sister.
We're worried."

That's how these
women were covering?

By pretending to be
his mother and his sister?

Oh, it washis mother
and his sister.

That's why I broke up
with him.

I can't mess
with a guy's head

if he's got the solid
support of his family.

Where is this guy who
clearly dodged a bullet?

I have no idea.

And, honestly, I don't
want to know where he is
or what he's doing.

- [ phone chimes ]
- [ gasps ]

The bastard just
Instagrammed a photo

of him hanging out
with some skank.

Where is he?
What is he doing?

It looks like
the "Merry Peasant"

and I think
he's flexing his neck.

Oh, yeah.

He's really proud
of his neck.

He's got, like,
a neck trainer
and everything.

We got to go.
You've got to talk him into
giving me that picture back.

Okay, but if you hit him,
do not hit him in his neck.

You'll break your hand.

God, there he is.

I can't believe
how much he's changed.

It's only been
an hour and a half.

What is up
with you women?

Hey, Travis.

'Sup, Lacey?

'Sup, substitute Travis

who could never be
the real Travis?

First of all,
I am not "substitute Travis."

I am Lacey's friend,
"original Charlie."

Second of all, 'sup?

Wait, I got a picture of you
and a cop on my phone.

What's with that?

Shut up, Travis.
We need it back.

Lacey, we covered
this in group.

We don't say "shut up"
when we're asking
for something.

I'm speaking
his language.

Yeah, so shut up.

- You shut up.
- No, you shut up.

- No, you shut up.
- What are you guys saying?

He's not gonna give
you back the picture.

I tried to explain how
important it was to you,

but he's like talking
to a brick wall.

Look, guys, people don't
fight this passionately

unless they really care
about each other.

So let's try
to remember

what brought
you two together
in the first place.

I mean, you know,
besides ecstasy.

She looks good
from behind.

He's a really good
judge of ass.

Shut up.

No, you shut up.

There you go.

Now, while you two
kiss and make up,

I'm gonna take
a picture.

Okay.

Now I'll just send
myself the other picture
if I can find it.

Selfie
with a big neck.

Selfie with
a big neck.

Big neck selfie.

Oh, here we go.

Me and Maureen.
And send.

[ sighs ]

- Jordan: Who is it?
- It's me.

- This is happening.
- Now?

Right now.
I am here.

To tell you
that I will be back
in an hour.

Perfect, thanks.

- Hey.
- Hey, yourself.

What, no snarky comment
about me being an hour late?

Life is not about
schedules, Charlie.

You got to live
in the moment.

You got to get on
that moment

and ride it
for all it's worth.

I'll be back in an hour.
I've got my prison group.

Oh, wait. I want to hear
about how it went with
the DUI hearing.

It never happened.
I sent the picture

to Maureen and the
whole thing went away.

See? Oh, the universe
is good and wonderful.

Everything is right.

You had sex last night,
didn't you?

Yes, I did.

Good for you.
How's his leg?

- His leg?
- Yeah.

The one that got caught
in that bear trap you set

so you could do
whatever you did
to him.

Nothing you can say
is gonna bring me down.

Like you brought him down
with that tranquilizer dart

so you could do
whatever you did to him?

Leave the room.
We are done.

That's probably what you
told him, but he couldn't

'cause his foot was
all caught in that trap.

[ thumps ]

That how you threw
that tranquilizer dart?