All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E56.Charlie.and.The.Born.Again.Virgin.Hooker.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

[ sighing ]

Okay, so you walked in
on me having sex.

I still think we
should discuss it

instead of sitting here
in awkward silence.

Everything's
different now.

I know too much.

[ whimpering ]
I've seen too much.

Look, I am sorry.
I lost track of time.

But I guess that's
one of the pitfalls

of using your house
as an office.

And your pool table
as a bed.

And an ex-hooker
as a pillow.

Hey, Sasha
wasn't a hooker.

Have a little respect.
She was an escort.

Entirely different
tax bracket.

Can we please move on?

Ahem. I hate
my apartment.

Thank you, Lacey.
Finally.

It's horrible,
cheap, and dirty.

Kind of like the way
I felt when I walked
in here today.

Uh, hi, guys.

I just wanted to say
I'm sorry about that.

I hope that didn't
make anybody feel
too uncomfortable.

- Nah.
- No big.

Well, so long
as everybody's cool...

- We're the coolest.
- Lacey: When in Rome.

You know, I used to
charge people to watch,

so you guys,
y'all got off easy.

Okay.
So that's done.

Lacey, if you hate
your new apartment,

why don't you just
look for another one?

I can't afford it.
And I'm too depressed.

Even my shower's broken,
so if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to go take
a whore's bath in your sink.

No offense to
your girlfriend.

I feel terrible.
I got her into that apartment.

I've got to be the one
to cheer her up.

Well, Nolan,
I'm afraid this is

one of those occasions that
cannot be solved with weed.

I knew this day
would come.

Well, as little as
I'd like to help Lacey...

I have an idea.

What are you thinkin'?
Like a makeover?

Oh, because I'm gay,
of course it's a makeover.

[ sighs ]
I'm sorry, Patrick.
What were you thinking?

An apartment makeover.

Shut up, Ed.

Lacey told me that she's
going to be out of town
for a couple of days,

so we can just fix up
her apartment then.

If you expect me to bring
my tools over and help...

pass.

Fine, Ed.
We don't need you.
We have tools.

I have fabric scissors
and a thimble.

That's great if you want
to turn her apartment
into a sock puppet.

All right, damn it.
I'll help.

Cool. And I've got one of those
screw-lifter-outers

and one of those things
you hammer with.

A hammer?

I don't know. Maybe.

Doesn't sound familiar.

- I gotta take off.
I'll see you after work?
- Mm, no, wait.

Uh, before you go,
I think there's something
wrong with your shower.

Sasha, we both know
what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna
follow you in there.
We're both gonna get naked

and then spend hours
running up my water bill.
Am I right?

Yeah.

Do you realize
that there are billions
of people on this planet

that would kill
for clean water?

Let's do this for them.

Sorry I'm late.
There was a horrible
traffic jam.

You missed
our morning meeting

because you
spent all day in bed
with Sasha, didn't you?

No, it was like
a 50-car pile-up.

I've never seen
anything like it.

Oh, so it must be
on the news.

No, no. No. It was
mostly news trucks.

Hit a van full
of radio reporters.

Careened into
a cell phone tower.

Which is... why
I didn't call you.

It's 2:00.

There is no way
that you left at 8:30.

Oh, yeah?

Then how do you
explain this?

Egg McMuffins, hash browns,
pancakes, McGriddles?

They don't sell these
things past 10:30.

And yet Ihave them.

There is nothing
in that bag but a rock.

That's not true.

There's two rocks.

Charlie, every time
she comes to town,

you become
so obsessed, you forget
what's important to you.

You're right.

I've been irresponsible
and I'm sorry.

I don't deserve these McRocks.
It won't happen again.

[ loud thump ]

It better not.
Because tomorrow

is the prison
sexual harassment
seminar at 9:00.

There's a sexual
harassment seminar
for the prisoners?

Someone might want to tell
the guys in the shower room.

No, Charlie.
It's for the employees.

One person from every
department has to attend,
and it's not gonna be me.

Every time I go
to one of these things,

I'm always
the pretty blonde girl
that gets used as an example

of what not to do to
a pretty blonde girl.

Well, just talk
to them a little first.

Once they get to know you,
they'll never harass you.

Hey.
People who know me

find me
totally harassable.

Tell you what.
I'll go to this seminar

and you go to the one
for people with delusions.

[ theme music playing ]

[ both panting ]

Charlie, you're still
a therapist, right?

[ gasping ]
I think so.

Right now I'm not even
sure what my name is.

We're normal, right?

- What do you mean?
- It's just...

we're having
a lot of sex.

I mean, a lotof sex.
Is this okay?

Are you kidding?
This is healthy.

It's only a problem if
it interferes with your life.

I'm gonna get some sleep.
I've got a 9:00 meeting.

Charlie, it's 9:30.

In the morning?!

Oh, my God, what the hell
is wrong with us?

Are you in trouble?

No, no.

I was supposed to be
somewhere for Jordan, but...

you know what?
She exaggerates these things.
I'm sure she's fine.

So we're in a
workplace environment.

And I'm about to
talk to thiswoman.

I'm not lookin' here.

I'm not lookin'
down there.

Turn around, lady.

And I am definitely
not lookin' back here.

Turn back around, miss.

- [ sighs ]
- Now let's say
it's an office party

and I've had
a few too many.

And I've lost
all respect

for personal space.

All right. I'm out.
I've just texted Jordan
that I'm on my way.

Oh, don't you have time
for a late breakfast?
I made you pancakes.

Oh, look,
you made hearts.

No, those
are my boobs.

And, if you turn this one
upside down, it's my butt.

It's uncanny.

I wish I had time to eat
the whole stack, but I'm
running late, sweetie.

Okay, well, have fun
at the office, dear.

- I hope you get
that big account.
- Me, too.

The boss is coming over
for dinner tonight,

so go ahead and make
your ass-shaped pot roast

and your twice-boobed
potatoes.

See you tonight.

Hey, Sasha.

Is Charlie here?
He missed a fun meeting

and I wanted to update him
on what happened.

Look. I'm not going
to lie to you.

You're too smart.

The guy next door
was mowing his lawn
and he cut off his foot.

Charlie had to
drive him to the ICU

while he kept the foot
in a glass of milk.

You do that for
a tooth, not a foot.

Look, he is desperately
running around trying
to find an alibi.

He may not be able
to tell time, but he's
incredibly cute.

You know what else
is cute?

According to the guys
at the sexual harassment
seminar,

my boobs, my butt,
and my face--

If I would
just smile.

Look, I'm sorry.
It's kinda my fault, too.

No matter what Charlie
and I do, we always
fall in bed together.

You know what?

You should get
dressed and let me
take you to lunch.

- Really?
- Yeah.

But don't tell Charlie.
He doesn't like it

when his girlfriends mix
with his girlfriends.

That is so strange
because just the other night,

we were talking
about inviting one
of my girlfriends over--

That'sa completely
different thing.

Boy, it's a good thing
Lacey lets me have a key.

Otherwise we couldn't
redo her apartment.

When you say,
"lets you have,"

does that mean,
"doesn't know you have"?

Hey, if she didn't
want me to have her key,

why would she let me
take it out of her hand

and make a copy of it
while she was passed out
drunk in the hallway?

What the hell are we
supposed to do with
this place?

It's smaller than
a cat's ass in an
all-dog orgy.

So here's
what I'm thinking.

Lacey needs
a place where she
feels comfortable,

yet confident.
Elegant, yet warm.

Sophisticated,
yet earthy.

I wish you'd shut up,
yet fall off a cliff.

Don't you guys ever watch
those home decorating
shows on TV?

They ask a person
what they like,

and then they make
a whole room about that.

Well, Lacey likes
her Indian culture.

I say we fix this place up
like a city in India.

Fill it up with
garbage and flies

and bring some kids in
to beg, then call it a day.

Ed, you know, they've
really cleaned up India.

They have pretty good
restaurants now

and nuclear weapons.

Hey, you guys.
I've just had
an inspiration.

I know exactlywhat I'm
going to do with this place.

Is it something
Lacey's going to like?

I've been inspired.
Lacey's feelings are
really secondary now.

So, you really think
this could change my life?

Think it?
I know it.

The best way to get
clarity on what you want
to do with your life

is to completely
abstain from sex.

- All sex?
- Everything.

- [ gasps ]
- For at least
six months.

[ sighs ]

I'm on a sex cleanse
right now!

- No.
- How do you think
that I got my life?

Everything was
sex, sex, sex,

but then I stopped?
Bang! PhD. Bang! New job.

Bang! New apartment.
Bang! Other good stuff

that can't be measured
by just saying, "bang."

You know what?
I am going to do this.

But Charlie's not
going to like it.

Are you kidding?
He will be completely
supportive.

If I know Charlie,
I know exactly how
he's gonna react.

You're... doing what?

- For how long?
- Six months.

Look, I know
it's an adjustment,

but it's kind of
exciting, right?

I mean, this is going
to give me a clear head

so I can move on
to the next phase
of my life.

You know what else
will give you a clear head?
You and me having sex.

Cardio-intensive, fat-burning,
envy-of-the-western-world sex.

- You're upset.
- No, no, I'm just
a little confused

about where this
idea came from.

Well, it goes back
to Freud.

You had lunch with
Jordan, didn't you?

Kinda. But don't
tell her I told you!

All right, Sasha.
Look, look.

Here's what's
goin' on.

I've been late to work
a couple of times,

and Jordan is using
our sex life--

our magnificent,
gravity-defying,

why-aren't-they-filming-
that-in-3D sex life to
get back at me.

How could you say that
about a woman who is
so together?

You know Jordan's doing
the sex cleanse herself,
don't you?

She's not doing
the sex cleanse.

She's doing the
nobody-on-Earth-will-
sleep-with-her cleanse.

Charlie, Jordan thinks
this might be really
good for me.

I'd really like
your support.

[ sighs ]

Okay. Okay,
I respect your decision.

I mean,
we don't need sex
to have a good time, right?

Exactly. Hey, maybe
we could watch a movie.

Well, sure.
Sounds great.

I'll go make
some popcorn.

Hey, Jordan.
It's Charlie.

It's about 9:00.
Just calling to say

that I'm going to kill you
tomorrow at the office.

So, enjoy the last night
of your life.

Bye-bye!

I'm proud of you,
Patrick.

Workin' with your hands like
a regular blue-collar Joe.

Oh, this isn't blue,
it's periwinkle.

Oh, my mistake.

I should never
have talked to you
in the first place.

[ knock on door ]

There you are.
Finally.

- Did you get everything
I asked for?
- Pretty much.

What do you mean,
"pretty much"?

I gave you a very
specific list.

Oh, my God!
What did you do?!

I'm sorry, Patrick, but
I know Lacey loves shoes,

so when I saw the
shoe lamp, I thought--

why not get it?

Let me explain to you
why you shouldn't have
gotten a shoe lamp--

- it's a shoe lamp!
- So?

So, it's not going to match
anything else we got.

I don't know, but it goes
pretty good with this.

Breathe, boy.

You're turning
periwinkle.

Well, look who's
late today.

I told you I was going to be
at the dentist, Charlie.

Well, that's
a problem.

You know how you told
Sasha not to have sex
with me for six months?

What if I told your dentist
not to work on you
for six months?

Fine with me.
You're only supposed
to see

your dentist
every six months anyway.

I don't want to have sex
with my dentist once
every six months.

I like that she

"cleans my teeth"
three to four times
a day.

She "cleans your teeth"
three to four times a day?!

Your teeth are going
to fall out.

Look here,
you beauty pageant
dropout--

[ gasps ]
Who told you?

Your hair.

If you have a problem with me, you come to me.

You don't go
behind my back
and tell my girlfriend

that her life's
going to get better
if she stops having sex.

Ahem.

- Is it okay if these guys
start setting up?
- Yes. We're done here.

And by the way,
I hadto drop out of
Miss Tween Tennessee.

I had a magic act and some
little whorefrom Knoxville
poisoned my dove.

You want to talk
about what color
you want, Charlie?

Or about the girl
who's not having sex
with you?

'Cause that's a lot
more interesting.

- You guys heard that, huh?
- Who does Jordan think she is?

You should be able to have
sex whenever you want,

wherever you want,
with whomever you want
whether they want it or not.

Thank you, Cleo,
that's good advice.

Right up until
the felony.

Why would your
girlfriend even listen
to Jordan, Charlie?

Because she respects Jordan
and Jordan said she was on
a sex cleanse, too.

Girls always be
doin' things together,

like goin' to the
bathroom and gossipin'

and killin' other girls
for gossipin' about them
in the bathroom.

Again, Cleo.
Good thought, then felony.

Simple solution,
Charlie.

If Sasha's doin' this
because she believes
Jordan's not havin' sex,

you gotta make Sasha
believe that Jordan is.

Well, how am I
supposed to do that?

Bring Jordan back in here.
Find a volunteer to have
sex with her.

Hey, Wayne,

what about Fred?

- That is a great idea.
- Mm-hmm.

Fred's the greatest con artist
to ever walk this earth.

He's like George Clooney
in "Ocean's 11."

Or 12.

But not 13.

No one came off
good in that one.

And you think Fred
can convince Sasha
he's having sex with Jordan?

Just have him bump into
Jordan in front of Sasha.

He can convince
anybody of anything.

Yeah, if he told me
I was white, I would
believe him.

Until I looked down
in the shower.

Anyways, Jordan,
I just wanted you
to know

that I've given
this sex cleanse
thing some thought

and I think it's all
going to work out.

Thank you, Charlie.

I don't know how
you do it, Jordan,

because I have been
really struggling.

I find it helps
to crochet a lot.

Oh, is that like
a code word?

[ softly ]
Because I "crocheted"
in the shower all morning.

[ sighs ]
While you were doing that,
I was in bed

furiously working on
a sweater.

[ phone chimes ]

That's one
of my patients.

I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

Have you seen a really
good-looking guy,

looks a little bit
like George Clooney?

Every day
when I shave.

You're Fred?!

I sense you're
feeling threatened.

Don't beat yourself up.
Not everybody could look
like this.

Hold on. Hold on.
I'm paying you$500?

No one's going to believe
my friend gave up celibacy
for you.

Got into it, maybe,
but not gave it up.

So, you don't
find me attractive,
but the ladies do.

I'm a force of nature.

Women undress me
with their eyes.

Really?
Because I'm puttin'
a snowsuit on you with my eyes.

Look, I'm the best
con man in the business.

But if you don't
want to use me,

at least give me
the 40 bucks I paid
the cab.

Fine.
Here ya go.

Ha! My mom
gave me a ride.

Congratulations.
You can tell
all your friends

you've been conned
by the best.

How's your patient?

Uh, not
as good-looking
as he thinks.

Okay, got
a Scotch for you

and a martini
for you

and Diet Coke for you.
You sure that's all you want?

No, I want a half
a bottle of tequila.

But I'm struggling
to get two weeks sober.

Almost drank the free
mouthwash in the bathroom.

Yeah, before I quit,
I used to drink that

off-brand, nighttime
cold syrup.

I called it the "Wheezing,
Sneezing, Aching, Hacking,

Get Enough Courage to Leave
Your Husband" medicine.

Good for you
for admitting that.

The most important part
about working the program

is being completely honest
about everything, right?

Look, I'm just here
slingin' drinks.

I'm not here to
fire up an AA meeting.

Well, good
for you, Jordan.

As you well know,
as a person in recovery,

one little lie
can lead to another.

Pretty soon you're
lying about drinking.

Then you're lying
drunk in a gutter.

After that, you're lying
to a cop about where
your pants went.

That's true.

Thank you.

I mean, how could you
live with yourself

if you lied to someone
like, I don't know...

Sasha?

I mean, the guilt
from that

would make anybody
start chugging mouthwash,
wouldn't it?

Okay, I lied!
I'm not on a sex cleanse.

I'm just a bad first date.
I'm a great second date,
but nobody knows.

What a shocking
revelation.

I trusted you.
Why would you lie to me?

You wanna know why?!
I'll tell you why!

Because Charlie...

...was late.

Seriously, if you take off
this blindfold and anyone
is naked,

I will kill everyone
in a 10-foot radius.

No, we knew you
hated your apartment,

so we gave it
a makeover.

We sure did.

Oh, my God.

It's all shoes.

It was all Nolan's idea.
Nolan did it.
Nothing to do with it.

So, this was you.

I love it!

Thank you so much!

I enjoyed that.

[ panting heavily ]

You're late again!

Aw, crap.

I'm not saying
that Jordan is right.

And I came to this
completely on my own.

But when
we're together,

the only thing we're
getting done is each other.

Yeah, maybe we should
take a little break.

But not six months.

No, no, no, no.
Just a few weeks.
Or a week.

I mean, we did just
spend a couple of minutes
having a conversation.

For us, that's
a really good break.

[ giggles ]

Okay.
A couple weeks.

Don't you have to
go back to work now?

Nah, Jordan's there.
She owes me.

Besides, there's nothing
going on there, anyway.

All right, everybody.
It's time for our mandatory

refresher course
on CPR.

Get on
your back, lady.