All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E55.Charlie.and.Jordan.Go.to.Prison.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

[ cans rattle ]

Well, it looks like
Charlie had another
classy party.

Ooh. Beer in a can.

I wonder if the Queen
was here.

I'm gonna get
some coffee.

- Don't.
- [ screams ]

That coffee
is a day old.

Charlie, what are you
doing under there?

Had a party
here last night

celebrating Jordan and I
finishing our sex study.

Looks like you had
a hell of a shindig here.

Yeah, but...

I forgot
to invite Jordan

so I could actually
have some fun.

Of course
you were drinking.

That's why we all got
this text at 2:00 A.M.

that said we've made
a lot of progress

and you love our
"rad spirits."

I'm a very honest drunk.

I didn't get
that text.

I'm a very honest drunk.

I can respect that.

Not only did we
complete our research,

but it looks like
we're gonna get published.

Oh, cool.
Can I read it
on my Nook?

Do you get "The New England
Journal of Medicine"
on your Nook?

Ooh. That is the one
journal of medicine
she doesn't get.

Quit looking
at my Nook.

Can I look
at your Nook?

Do you even know
what a Nook is?

I think I do.

Anyway, it's almost
a done deal.

We just gotta
meet the publisher,

say some sciencey
type things--

"gravity makes
stuff fall"--

and we're in.

All right, guys,
let's start our session.

I'm freaking out.

My parents cut me off
because of my sham wedding.

Now I have to move out
of my beautiful apartment.

Or you could just
get a job.

A job?

This is like
a nightmare and I
can't wake up.

Hey, I know a guy
who just moved out
of his apartment.

It's cozy
and super affordable.

Cozy is poor person
code for crappy.

It's like when they
call fat women real.

Fat chicks are fun.

[ groans ]

Hey, anybody want
to go to Denny's
for pancakes?

Sean, this is
anger therapy.

Get the hell out.

Is anybody...

upset over the way
I just treated Sean?

Who wants to see me
apologize over pancakes?

Good. I'm starving.
Let's go.

[ theme music playing ]

Will you please get up
and help me clean this place?

The publisher is gonna
be here any minute.

You do realize
the messier this place is,

the harder it looks
like we've been working.

Will you please
get up and help me
make this place a mess?

- [ knocks ]
- Hey, Charlie.

Hey, Shauna.

- Nice to see you.
- Hi.

Jordan, this is Shauna
from the grant foundation.

Nice to meet you.

Sorry the place
is such a mess.

As you can see,
we've been very,
very busy working.

Well, I usually
think, "meticulous office,
meticulous research,"

but, hey, maybe
that's just me.
[ chuckles ]

Charlie, Jordan,
this is Peter Mazer.

He's a publisher
who's very excited
about your work.

- Ah, Peter.
Nice to meet you.
- Pleasure.

So, which journal
is it again?

"American Psychologist"
or "The Journal of
Social Psychology"?

I'm from "Maxim."

Maxim...

Journal of
Social Psychology?

I think he means
"Maxim" on the newsstand
next to "Juggs."

Oh.

Juggs Journal of
Social Psychology?

I know it's unorthodox,
but the university thought

that a popular
magazine, like "Maxim,"

could raise the profile
of the grant foundation

and hopefully attract
new funding.

Charlie,
say something.

Uh, to be honest,
I never thought our work

would wind up on the floor
of a fraternity bathroom.

You tell 'em.

Then again, a lot
of fraternity bathrooms
do have magazine racks.

What?

One of the most respected
sex studies ever was
published in "Playboy."

Jordan, this
could be big.

So, are we gonna be in
the "Sex in the South"
double issue?

'Cause that would
be awesome.

The magazine is
so excited

about giving your study
a wide audience,

they're publishing excerpts
over four different issues.

Actually, we're calling
them "sexerpts."

What are you
gonna call us?

- "Sexperts"?
- That's correct.

"Sex-a-lent."

Well, best part is
we're gonna feature
the two of you

in a full-page photo
in the magazine.

I see Charlie
in a tuxedo

and you in a towel.

That is not even
remotely related
to our study.

Why don't you just put
Charlie behind a desk

and me wearing
nothing but a lab coat
with my boobs hangin' out?

I love it!

See, that's why
you're the sexpert.

We are notgoing
to allow this.

We are taking our study
and we are shopping it
to a real journal.

We own it, you don't.

Well, then, we will not
be doing that.

But if you do this,
we are gonna go to the press

and we will destroy
the foundation's credibility.

Jordan, what are
you doing? We could
reach a huge audience.

This magazine is one
of the last reasons

that men still read.

You know what, Shauna?
I don't think this is
gonna work out.

What? Of course
it's gonna work out.

A lot of my
business decisions
are based on vibes.

And I'm not really
feeling this anymore.

Wait, wait, wait.
You're basing this
on her vibes?

She doesn't have
any vibes.

Stand next to her,
you'll see.

Can't we just put this
in a smaller journal?

Any journal?

This was going
to be really huge
for our foundation.

You blew it for us.
We're gonna blow it
for you.

You're done here.

I expect you both
out by Thursday.

What did you just do?

I saved our integrity.

No, no. You ruined
my chance to make
a name for myself.

And meet hot Maxim
girls at Maxim parties.

I guess the only upside
to any of this is I'll never
have to see you again.

Well, I don't care
if we're never famous.

I'd rather sit home
with my cat

and scrapbook horse
pictures with my
head held high.

You know what?
If your life
wasn't already

such a complete train wreck,
I would ruin it.

Sorry I'm late.

I was busy photoshopping
someone's face

onto naked photos
that I sent to "Maxim."

Anyway, guys, I'd like
you to meet someone who's
joining us today.

This is Gene.

Oh, I know Gene.
We're in the same
book club.

Also, I beat Gene down
in the laundry.

- Hey, Gene.
- Hey, man.

You know, beat-downs
just don't get enough credit

for bringing
people together.

Anyway, Gene, uh...

it says here that you're
a nonviolent offender,

you did 10 years,

and now you're back
after a month for assault.

What the hell happened?

Well, I'm enjoying
my first dinner out

and I'm sitting there
with my fork in one hand

and my shiv in the other.

Gene, Gene.
You know outside of prison
that's called a knife.

Continue.

Um, and the waiter started
to take my plate away

while I was
still eating.

So, I stabbed him
in the leg

with my, uh, knife.

You do understand
that he was just trying
to clear your table, right?

Yeah. I understood
that better

when he was on
the ground screaming,

"I was just trying
to clear the table."

I get why he did it,
Charlie.

When you're in prison,
if another prisoner

takes your food,
it's a power move.

I've never tried
the powdered eggs here.

Are they that good?

Does anyone here know
what Gene's real problem was?

I do. First thing you do
when you get out of prison,

you make love to a hooker,
you kill your lawyer,

then you go eat.

His way, he's gonna
be too full when he's
making love to the hooker.

Good answer, Wayne.

To a much
scarier question.

No, no. Gene was
still operating

under a prison
mentality.

Didn't anybody counsel
you before you got out?

Some guy in
the weight room told me
to stay hydrated.

Has anybody ever talked
to you guys about

the frustrations of
dealing with society
after you get out?

Only once. And by
the way, we don't call
it society in here.

We call it
"When I get out, I'm gonna
kill my lawyer land."

Yeah, a lady came
in here a couple years
ago with puppets.

Told us to talk
about our feelings.

[ chuckles ]
Not a good day for her.

God rest her soul.

This is crazy.

Why isn't there some
sort of an anger clinic
for guys getting out?

Because then Gene
wouldn't be back
in here.

And I have
plans for Gene.

You know what?

I should open a clinic
like that right here.

It'd be a total
game changer.

Yeah. But don't
use puppets.

If you do, though,
I recommend learning

the art of
ventriloquism.

'Cause if any of these
boys see your mouth move,

you're a dead man.

Thanks for letting me
help you move in, Lacey.

You're welcome.

So, uh, what
do you think?

I never knew people
lived like this.

I don't understand why
anyone would want to be poor.

Uh, what's wrong
with this window?
It's stuck.

No, actually, they're
not supposed to open
more than an inch.

I heard the building
had a problem with people
falling out the windows

with notes taped
to themselves.

Those are suicides,
Nolan!

I don't know.
I never read the notes.

What did I do
to deserve this?

You tried to cheat
your parents out of
a million dollars.

I know what I did!

All right.
Well, I'm gonna
start heading home.

Do you need a ride, Nolan?
I have to move
my car anyway.

No, I could use
the walk.

Well,
see you later.

You live next door?

I know.
Isn't it great?

If you need anything,
just knock on the wall.

My bed's
on the other side.

You tricked me, Nolan!

You said your friend
lived here.

He did,
and then he jumped
out the window.

But they fixed that.
So, you're gonna be fine.

[ grunts ]

- [ knocks ]
- Hello.

Charlie Goodson?

Oh, hey, if you're
the next study coming in,
I'll be out by tomorrow.

Might want to hire
a cleaning crew.

Hundreds of people
have had sex in here.

This place could use
a real good hosing down.

Well, then I won't
touch anything.

I'm Richard from the
state funding office.

We talked on the phone
about your prison clinic?

Oh, of course.
I thought we were gonna meet
at your office next week.

Yeah, well,
my daughter goes
to college here,

and she's sleeping
with a pothead.

So, every now and then,
I like to stop by

and flush his primo
stuff down the john.

Okay.

Please, please sit.

So, did you
read my proposal?

Yes.

And I think your
prisoner re-entry program
is a great idea.

Well, thank you.
And in five years,

we could have one
in every prison.

We'll be like
the McDonald's of
rehabilitation.

One billion served...
their time.

[ clears throat ]
Now they're out
and doing great.

- Hello.
- Afternoon.

Selling something
to "Orgasm Magazine"?

That's my ex-partner.

She has a lot of
integrity and no friends.

Nice to meet you.

Screw you, Charlie.

See? You see?
That's why she has
no friends.

That's a shame
you guys can't work
together anymore.

Why?

Because...
well, look.

If she was your
female business partner,

you'd have a better shot
at getting funding.

With her.

Wait. So, you're saying
that I have to have a woman

working on my project
to get state funding?

I never said that.

That would be
discrimination.

But my chances would
be better if I did.

Much.

Because she's a woman.

I never said that.

[ sighs ]

Why won't you just tell me
that I have to have a woman?

Because I don't want
to lose my job.

I'm gonna have to support
my daughter forever.

She's dating a pothead!

Okay, okay.
I get it, I get it.

[ sighs ]
Now look, this is a bit
of a long shot,

but would your daughter
be interested in working
in a prison?

- With you?
- I never said that.

- [ knocking ]
- Woman: Who is it?

Man:
It's the plumber.

Woman:
Plumber? I didn't call
a plumber.

- [ music playing ]
- [ moaning ]

[ knocks ]

[ knocking ]

Lacey? Uh...
what are you
doing home?

It's midnight, Nolan.

I'm taking a nap
before I go out.

I can hear your porn
through the walls.

That's not porn.

It's a love story
between a man and a woman

and another woman.

And then, like,
three other women,

and then this guy
with a crazy big
monster hog.

I can't take this.
I'm moving outta here.

No, no, no, I promise
this is the last time

you'll hear another
love story comin' out
of my apartment.

From now on,
I'll use my
headphones.

Can I borrow
some headphones?

Fine, but after
you're done watching

your love stories,
don't touch them.

Just shake your head
until they fall off.

Hey, wanna shoot
a round?

No, I can't, Sean.

I've got this one
last interview,

and if this one falls
apart, I am screwed.

Turns out not a lot
of women want to work
in a men's prison.

With men who, you know,
want to attack them.

So sexist.

I'd totally work
in an all girls' prison.

Breakin' up catfights
in the shower

by spraying 'em down
with the hose.

Quick, quick, quick
logic question.

Why would you use
the hose if they're
already in the shower?

Ah, these
are very, very
dirty women.

Of course.
Anyway...

there's another reason
I'm having a hard time
finding someone.

Hold on a second,
I'm still on
the shower fight.

All right, all the girls
are back in their cells.
Go on.

There's a vicious rumor
in the psychological
community

that I have
occasionally/frequently

enjoyed the company
of the women

that I work/sleep with.

Oh. You're being
slut/shamed.

Which normally
I'd be proud of.

But it's really
starting to affect
my career.

I gotta find
someone by Monday.

[ doorbell rings ]

[ exhales ]
God, I hope this
one works out.

Hi.

[ breathing heavily ]

Well, that really
worked out.

Yeah.

That was amazing.

Well, I guess
we should discuss
your job benefits.

I mean, other
than this one.

Yeah.
About that.

I don't think
we can work
together now.

What?
Why?

Did you get
another offer while
we were having sex?

No. It's because
we had sex.

That?
No, no, no.

That was just to kill
the sexual tension.

You know sexual tension
costs small businesses

over $5 billion
a year?

I was just being
fiscally responsible.

[ sighs ]
Sorry, Charlie.

As a rule, I don't
work with anybody
I've had sex with.

Well, why didn't
you tell me that
before we had sex?

I did tell you
that when I was taking
off my blouse.

Oh, was that what
you were saying?

I couldn't hear
you over your body.

- I gotta go.
- No, no. Wait, wait.

There is virtually
no one else qualified
to do this job.

If you agree to work
with me, I promise

this will never
happen again.

You promise?

I promise.

[ breathing heavily ]

I have no
self-control.

Neither do I.

- Good luck
in your career.
- Yeah.

- God, that club sucked.
- I know.

That was the worst
'80s night ever.

I know. It was just
a bunch of people

wearing shoulder pads
and playing synthesizers.

That's what
the '80s were.

Oh.

I'm so glad we were
babies during that time,

didn't know what the hell
was going on.

You know, we should
have taken our ecstasy
before we got there

and not waited until
the cab ride home.

Awesome cab ride,
though.

I was totally mackin'
on the driver's neck.

That wasn't the driver,

that was the glass
partition.

Whatever, it was hot.

Sucks that we didn't
meet any guys.

Who needs guys anyway?

I've got a bunch
of windows here we could
just make out with.

- [ phone beeps ]
- Oh, it's Mike.

Gross booty call.

See ya.

Wait! So you're
just gonna bail?

Oh, my God.

You don't have anybody.

That's so sad.

Lacey:
No, it's not.

I've got an even grosser
booty call.

Nolan! If you wanna
have sex with me

get over here right now.
Nolan!

Lacey:
Get over here!
Nolan! Let's do this!

I'll do anything
you want.

[ knocks ]

- What do you want?
- Can I come in?

Look, I know
you're really
upset with me,

but, I need
to talk to you.
Just for a minute.

Fine.
One minute.

I will use
the stopwatch
on my phone.

[ camera shutter clicks ]

Hey. Why did someone
take a picture of
you on my phone?

What were you doing
at my apartment?

How about--
how about we
just talk?

There's nothing
to talk about.

As of today,
I'm no longer a scientist

with a reputation
to protect.

I have found
a new career

where I can drink.

I'm a tortured poet,

like Dylan Thomas
or Ted Kaczynski.

Who?

You know, the guy
who wrote at the bars.

You mean Bukowski?

The Unabomber?
No! You're sick.

What do you want?

Look, I--
I pitched this prison
re-entry program

to the state,
and they loved it.

But I can't do
it without you.

Why?

One reason only.

We make a great team.

Or, because the state
set a quota

for funding projects
and you need a woman,

but nobody will
work with you

because you've already
slept with everybody.

Wow. For someone
who claims to be drunk,

you're pretty sharp.

Well, forget it.

You "lath essex."

You "lass seg--"

You wanted to
put our science in
a boobie magazine.

It was the
only offer we had.

And I don't
"lath ekkicks."

I "lath"
recognition.

And you're gonna
"lath" a place to live

if you don't
get a job.

You said I had
no friends

and no vibes.

Hey, I'm your friend.

I'm pretty sure
you have a vibe...

around here
somewhere.

Fine.
I accept.

Thank you.

On one condition.

We are equal partners,

- and you treat
me with respect.
- Done.

And you listen to
this poem I wrote
about a sad horse.

You already read
me that one.

- I did?
- Yeah. Yeah.

There's a picture
of me listening to
it on your phone.

Oh.