All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E54.Charlie.Gets.Date.Rated.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

I know at the last session,
some of you felt that my tone

sounded
a tad judgmental...

Patrick.

You just did it again.

I am truly sorry...
Patrick.

And again.

And that's why, to avoid
any confusion about my tone,

I'm gonna start
speaking through this.

[ deep, echoing ]
Let us begin.

Lacey, tell us
of your weekend.

Um, okay, well,
I met this guy

who told me he had courtside
seats to a basketball game.

Where is the rebel base?

Sorry.
Continue.

Okay, so, anyway,
I go,

thinking I'm gonna get
to flirt with Blake Griffin,

but, no, he takes me
to a WNBA game.

I mean, one of the girls
looked vaguely like
Blake Griffin,

but, you know,
with more facial hair.

I once slept with a woman
on a WNBA team.

We did it in public.
Still couldn't draw a crowd.

I don't know how they
got the voice of my mother
inside that megaphone,

but it is really
weirding me out.

- I'll change it.
- [ clicks ]

[ high-pitched ]
So, how did that
make you feel, Lacey?

It sucked.

I wanted to choke him out
with my souvenir sports bra,

but instead
I got even with him.

I destroyed
his rating on Lizzie.

Good for you.
Hashtag the hell
out of him.

I fought in Vietnam
so you two could
speak English.

Lizzie is a women-only site
where we can rate the men
we've been out with.

It's like Yelp
for asswipes.

Is that seriously
a thing now?

Don't worry, Charlie.
Nobody's rated you yet.

But, Nolan,
you're on there.

It says you fell asleep
during sex.

Someone admitted to
having sex with me?

Between that
and my job interview
at a bike shop tomorrow,

look out, world,
here comes Nolan.

By the way, my wife
has quit returning my calls.

Does anybody know
somebody I can date?

I'm putting this meat
back in the window.

Good for you, Ed.

And thanks for not
gesturing anywhere

to highlight
the word "meat."

Speaking of that,
who was that little filly

that dropped you off
over here, Nolan?

Somebody picked you up
hitchhiking?

Oh, that was my mom,
Phyllis.

How'd you know
her nickname?

[ mumbles ]
Nah, forget about it.
That'd be weird.

No, it wouldn't, Dad.
Ask her out.

Her last boyfriend
just left her because
I kept calling him Dad.

Have you explored
the possibility

that you might be longing
for a strong male figure
in your life?

I'll definitely consider it,
Uncle Charlie.

Great, great.

Well, guys, so far this has beena very productive session,

wouldn't you agree...

[ low ]
Patrick?

[ theme music plays ]

I joined Lizzie
about a year ago

after I caught my boyfriend
with a hand in another
woman's cookie jar.

And his other hand
down her pants.

Here is your Lizzie profile,
slugger.

Ooh, not bad.
Four stars out of five.

"Kisses like a god,
incredible in the sack."

Oh, this is funny.
"Might be illiterate."

Look at that--
misspelled illiterate.

No, she didn't.

Oh, she just got
on there.

You want to
see your profile, Charlie?

I can't.
It links through Facebook,

which I'm happy
to say that I quit...

although I do miss knowing whenmy ex-wife does her laundry.

Wow.

Oh, man.
Contact has been made.

- I'm going in.
- Dude, dude,
you just saw her.

If you go in now,
you'll look desperate.

What do you think,
five, 10 minutes?

I'll let you know.

Damn it, how do you keep
missing the cutoff?

You a Reds fan?

I'm not allowed
to pick a favorite.

I work for
Major League Baseball.

But I'm a total Reds fan.

Me, too.
A Reds fan, that is.

I don't work
for Major League Baseball.

Otherwise, I would've
hit on you at the office.

- I'm Charlie Goodson.
- Holly Wilson.

Wait, you were
on the '95 Dodgers.

You're that maniac who
broke a bat over his knee
and ended his career.

Wow, a Reds fan and you know
my career highlights.

If you tell me that
"Apocalypse Now" is
your favorite film,

you might be
the perfect woman.

Oh, I do love that film,

but it could've used
more full-frontal
girl-on-girl sex.

Let's get married
right now.

[ laughs ]
I would, but I have
to catch a meeting.

Give me a call sometime
and maybe we can hook up.

Hope you have
a good Lizzie rating.

I hope you're joking
'cause I don't have one.

Oh, I only go out with guys
who have Lizzie ratings.

But can't you tell
I'm a great guy just
by looking at me?

- Everybody else can.
- You probably are...

but I'm just way
too busy to take a chance
on a bad date.

I need a quick filter
that separates the wheat
from the chaff.

Sorry.

Wait, check Lizzie
in a couple days

and you'll see
that I'm the wheat...

or the chaff.
Whichever's the good one.

It's gotta be wheat.

No Olympian wants to be
on a box of Chaffies.

Hey, Jen,
is Charlie here?

He said he wanted
to ask me a favor.

Me, too.

Oh, man, if this is about
a three-way again,

I'm gonna hit him
with this coffeepot.

No reflection on you.
You're adorable.

I think we should
say yes to that three-way.

Tie him to his bed,

put his balls
in a dish of ice,

and leave.

Are they still attached?

Not necessarily.

- [ groans ] Men.
- Are you all right?

Bad date last night.

The capper in a streak

of disasters.

This guy couldn't even
get through one sentence

without doing
the burp and blow.

- Ah.
- [ burps, blows ]

Oh!

- And you know what else?
- What?

This loser ditched me.

Eating was all that
I could do not to cry.

Turns out I can do both
at the same time.

Oh, good, good.
You're both here.

Now, this is a little
awkward and you're probably
gonna say no,

but a lot of girls
are doing this now

and it would make me
really happy.

I'll get the knife.

What, what, what?
No, no, no, no.

I'm not talking
about a three-way.

I just need you
to give me a couple
of good ratings on Lizzie

so this girl
will go out with me.

- What?
- It's easy.

You just go on their website
and say that I'm awesome.

- No way.
- Oh, come on.

You owe me, Jen.

What about the time
I got you that spa weekend
in Palm Springs?

That was to get me
out of the house

so you could throw
that giant party with hookers.

Okay, first of all,
they were models.

Second of all, we were
both a lot less tense
that Monday.

And, third,
just a few of them
were hookers.

Not gonna happen.

Besides, I can't even
get on that site.

They kicked me
off of Facebook.

That's crazy.

Your status updates
were, like,

"Just added dryer sheet.
Wish me luck. Wink."

Yeah, well, I wasn't
getting enough likes,

so I might've posted
a couple photos of myself
adding the dryer sheets...

without a top on.

I'm going.

Jordan, come on.
What do you think?

You don't have
to say I'm perfect.
I want this to be believable.

Say I'm almost perfect.

Maybe if you
took me out to dinner.

You want to go out
on a date with me?

No, gross.

But just for once
I want to go out
with a guy,

have him buy me dinner,
treat me like a lady,

and make me feel good
about myself.

But it would be
totally fake.

I don't care.

I just need to know
that another human being

is capable of having
a meal with me

without running away
or blowing a burp
in my face.

I can do that.

You lost your case,
Phyllis,

because you had
bad representation.

This is the order
you pick a lawyer.

It goes Jew, Chinaman,

drunk Jew,
sober Irishman,
Irishman.

[ laughs ]
I love your sense
of humor.

Thank you.

You want me to write
that list down for you?

[ laughing ]

Mom, I was
worried about you.

What part of "Call mewhen you get to the restaurant"didn't you understand?

- What time is it?
- It's 9:30.

Oh, God, I'm gonna be
paying for this tomorrow.

So, sweetie, how did your
interview at the bike shop go?

Not so hot.

Turns out
I'm not qualified.

Not qualified to work
in a bike shop?

A circus bear could work
in a bike shop.

Because a circus bear
can ride a bike.

And maybe
work the register.

Anyway, they won't
let me interview

until I learn
how to ride one.

Ed, maybe you
could teach him.

Me?

Well, Nolan's
always saying

that you're
like a dad to him.

And if you've got the time,
I'd really appreciate it.

S-sure, I'd be glad to.

Thanks, Ed.

You know, his father
never taught him anything

except how to roll a joint.

Luckily, that never
had an impact on him.

Uh... yeah.

And in the seventh grade,
everybody wanted to do "Cats,"

but the school made us do
"You're A Good Man,
Charlie Brown,"

so I played Lucy
as Mr. Mistoffelees.

The audience didn't know it,
but I did.

- Are you cold?
- A little.

Hang on a sec.

- There we go.
- Charlie.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding,
I'm kidding.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

You know, you can
be very charming
when you want to be.

Trust me, even when
I don't want to be,
I'm still charming.

Let me get you another
Diet Coke with lime.

You remembered.

Brett, another
Diet Coke with lime

and a coffee mug
filled with scotch.
Oh, my God.

- Going back for more?
- I have to.

I need to hear
why her drama teacher

didn't cast her
in "Bye, Bye, Birdie."

Maybe it's because
she wanted to make him

put a number two pencil
through his brain.

Can I get
a vodka martini, please?

Holly?

Hey.

It's the future Mrs. Me.

Hi, Charlie.

You're very cute, but I
haven't changed my mind.

No, I know, I know.
Don't worry, I will be
on Lizzie by tomorrow

and you will be impressed
with my 10-star rating.

It only goes up to five.

Yeah, well, then you're
gonna be really impressed.

- Are you cold?
- Just a little.

Hang on a sec.

The girl that I'm trying
to impress on Lizzie, well,
she's right over there.

Oh, she's pretty.

And she's cold,
so give me the coat.

I might be a while,
so get dessert.

Anything you want.

Oh, okay, um...

this is good.

It'll give me time
to write my Lizzie review.

You're the best,
and I am having a wonderful
time on this date.

Here you go.
Diet Coke with lime.

What are you doing?

Trashing a loser guy
on the Internet.

What's another word
for "douchebag"?

If it ain't broke,
don't fix it.

Hey.

Dude, you got your
first Lizzie review.

That's awesome.

Now all I gotta do
is call Holly and tell her

that my meat is officially
in the window.

Well, whoever you went
out with last night

sliced your meat up
pretty good.

What are you talking about?

"Charlie Goodson
is self-absorbed,

annoying, insensitive,
egotistical."

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You must not be reading
that right.

'Cause according
to that website,
you're illiterate.

Well, I sounded them out.

There's more.

"He actually put napkins
on my shoulders when
I was cold."

That's weird.

I was being charming.
Right after that,
I gave her my coat.

"And then he took the coat
off of my shoulders

and gave it
to another woman."

You're an animal.

I can't believe Jordan
would do this to me.

Wait a minute,
Jordan wrote this?
You went out with Jordan?

It wasn't a date.

She said that if I took
her out to a nice dinner,

then her review of me
would be a good one.

- Well, it wasn't.
- Is there anything else?

"Charlie claims
to be sophisticated,

but he mistook
my rigatoni for penne."

Well, Jordan
can kiss my ass.

They're both tubes.

All right, if your mama
wants me to teach you
to ride a bicycle,

you're gonna learn
how to do it right.

[ thuds ]

Isn't it dangerous
to ride without a helmet?

What are you
protecting, boy?

Right, now we're gonna
work on your balance.

Get on.

Wow, this does not
feel great on my junk.

You lift up both feet,

and then when you
start to tip over,

put them back down
on the ground.

Oh, I can't do this, Ed.
I'm afraid.

When a man is afraid,
he's got to face his fear.

Just like
I married my wife

even though she had
a fat mother.

This is
a big afternoon, Ed.

I got my hands
on the handlebars
and my nuts hurt.

Maybe this is
enough for today.

No, you're gonna do this.

Imagine the other end
of this garage

is the thing that
you're missing most
in the world.

My bong from high school--

Jon Bong Jovi.

All right, now put
your feet on those
pedals and go get him.

[ laughs ]
It's working!

Go, son, go!

Ed, you forgot
to teach me how to stop!

Oh, don't worry.
That wall will stop ya.

[ crashes ]

See, I told you.

Well, if it isn't Mr. Abandon-
Her-On-Dates-Who-Is-Very-Rude-
And-Is-Not-A-Good-Date.

Believe it or not,
that name was shortened

when my grandfather came over
from the old country.

- Are you drunk?
- "Are you drunk"?

A little,
but I asked you first.

Jordan, what are you doing?
You're in AA.

I am writing Lizzie reviews

of every man
who's ever disappointed me.

I'm up to the Ds.

Daddy.

I don't know why
you're so upset that
I talked to that woman.

We were on a fake date.

Yeah, well, you
very unfakily
abandoned me.

You know, another word
for "unfakily" is "really."

Well, I really
came home

and ate a whole
key lime pie.

I told you to order dessert.

I did, I ate the pie
after dessert.

Jordan, Jordan...

you're being very
self-destructive.

I think we both know
there's only one thing
to do here...

change my review
on Lizzie.

Forget it, Mr. Abandon-Her-
On-Dates-Who-Is-Very-Rude-
And-Is-Not-A-Good-Date.

I am going
to the bathroom.

[ door closes ]

Here I am.
Okay.

"Edit review."

"Charlie Goodson
is the best.

So damn sexy, funny,

handsome, and smart."

What else, what else?

Oh, "Knows all variety

of noodles."

Usually I look
for three or four good
reviews on Lizzie

before I even go out
with a guy,

but yours was so positive,
it just won me over.

Yeah, that's
the kind of guy I am.

So, how was your fusilli?

You!
There you are.

- Having a good time?
- Yes, thank you.

I don't know
where our server is,
but if you could find her

and tell her we
need more breadsticks,
I'd really appreciate it.

Wait, what's going on?

You took advantage of me
when I was drunk.

- Wait, is this true?
- I don't know. I don't know.

I'm trying to figure out
which is worse--

what that sounded like
or what I actually did.

He hacked into
my Lizzie account

and made up a review.

Okay, well, now that
I hear it out loud,

it's not nearly as bad
as what we were all
thinking, right?

- You wrote that review?
- Hey, I just corrected
her spelling.

She spelled "considerate"
as "inconsiderate"

and "tolerable"
as "intolerable."

Clearly your "in" key
is stuck.

I can't believe
you did that.

Look, we're having
a great time,

and you're the one who
wanted this whole ridiculous

Lizzie review
and I got it.

By lying and cheating

and taking advantage
of a drunk woman.

Exactly, which proves
how much I like you.

Good-bye, Charlie.

Wait!

- I hope you're happy.
- I'm not.

I can never
trust you again.

You are just so screwed up
when it comes to women.

Yeah, but before
this whole Lizzie thing,

a lot less people knew that.

How'd it go?

- I didn't get the job.
- What?

You know how to ride
a damn bike.

Yeah, but they ended up
giving it to someone with
way more experience.

He's 16, he's been riding
for 13 years.

I'm sorry, kid.

Tough break.

Look, I'm gonna
tell you something

I think you're old enough
to hear now.

You're gonna have to leave
the house for a while

because I'm gonna
throw it in your mom.

Okay.

Oh, Nolan.
You're a hell
of a bike rider.

Don't let anybody
tell you any different.

Thanks.

And have fun playing
Scrabble with my mom.

That's not what I said.

That's what I heard.

In your mind,
am I those papers?

Part of you is.

Would you mind trying to
get that part under here?

I could try.

Let me take you out
to a really nice lunch
to make up for what happened.

And I promise I won't
get up from the table
to hit on some other woman.

Unless that
makes you happy.

Which would be awesome,
by the way.

Fine.

But you're still a jerk.

And not just you.

All men are jerks.

You ever think
that you pick these jerks

because you went through
such a terrible divorce?

What does one thing
have to do with the other?

Because you know
there's no future
with these dickheads.

And they can't hurt you
like your ex-husband did.

Maybe.

Is that why I work
with a dickhead?

Nah, that's just
a coincidence.