Original subtitles

I know at the last session, some of you felt that my tone

sounded a tad judgmental...

Patrick.

You just did it again.

I am truly sorry... Patrick.

And again.

And that's why, to avoid any confusion about my tone,

I'm gonna start speaking through this.

[ deep, echoing ] Let us begin.

Lacey, tell us of your weekend.

Um, okay, well, I met this guy

who told me he had courtside seats to a basketball game.

Where is the rebel base?

Sorry. Continue.

Okay, so, anyway, I go,

thinking I'm gonna get to flirt with Blake Griffin,

but, no, he takes me to a WNBA game.

I mean, one of the girls looked vaguely like Blake Griffin,

but, you know, with more facial hair.

I once slept with a woman on a WNBA team.

We did it in public. Still couldn't draw a crowd.

I don't know how they got the voice of my mother inside that megaphone,

but it is really weirding me out.

- I'll change it. - [ clicks ]

[ high-pitched ] So, how did that make you feel, Lacey?

It sucked.

I wanted to choke him out with my souvenir sports bra,

but instead I got even with him.

I destroyed his rating on Lizzie.

Good for you. Hashtag the hell out of him.

I fought in Vietnam so you two could speak English.

Lizzie is a women-only site where we can rate the men we've been out with.

It's like Yelp for asswipes.

Is that seriously a thing now?

Don't worry, Charlie. Nobody's rated you yet.

But, Nolan, you're on there.

It says you fell asleep during sex.

Someone admitted to having sex with me?

Between that and my job interview at a bike shop tomorrow,

look out, world, here comes Nolan.

By the way, my wife has quit returning my calls.

Does anybody know somebody I can date?

I'm putting this meat back in the window.

Good for you, Ed.

And thanks for not gesturing anywhere

to highlight the word "meat."

Speaking of that, who was that little filly

that dropped you off over here, Nolan?

Somebody picked you up hitchhiking?

Oh, that was my mom, Phyllis.

How'd you know her nickname?

[ mumbles ] Nah, forget about it. That'd be weird.

No, it wouldn't, Dad. Ask her out.

Her last boyfriend just left her because I kept calling him Dad.

Have you explored the possibility

that you might be longing for a strong male figure in your life?

I'll definitely consider it, Uncle Charlie.

Great, great.

Well, guys, so far this has beena very productive session,

wouldn't you agree...

[ low ] Patrick?

[ theme music plays ]

I joined Lizzie about a year ago

after I caught my boyfriend with a hand in another woman's cookie jar.

And his other hand down her pants.

Here is your Lizzie profile, slugger.

Ooh, not bad. Four stars out of five.

"Kisses like a god, incredible in the sack."

Oh, this is funny. "Might be illiterate."

Look at that-- misspelled illiterate.

No, she didn't.

Oh, she just got on there.

You want to see your profile, Charlie?

I can't. It links through Facebook,

which I'm happy to say that I quit...

although I do miss knowing whenmy ex-wife does her laundry.

Wow.

Oh, man. Contact has been made.

- I'm going in. - Dude, dude, you just saw her.

If you go in now, you'll look desperate.

What do you think, five, 10 minutes?

I'll let you know.

Damn it, how do you keep missing the cutoff?

You a Reds fan?

I'm not allowed to pick a favorite.

I work for Major League Baseball.

But I'm a total Reds fan.

Me, too. A Reds fan, that is.

I don't work for Major League Baseball.

Otherwise, I would've hit on you at the office.

- I'm Charlie Goodson. - Holly Wilson.

Wait, you were on the '95 Dodgers.

You're that maniac who broke a bat over his knee and ended his career.

Wow, a Reds fan and you know my career highlights.

If you tell me that "Apocalypse Now" is your favorite film,

you might be the perfect woman.

Oh, I do love that film,

but it could've used more full-frontal girl-on-girl sex.

Let's get married right now.

[ laughs ] I would, but I have to catch a meeting.

Give me a call sometime and maybe we can hook up.

Hope you have a good Lizzie rating.

I hope you're joking 'cause I don't have one.

Oh, I only go out with guys who have Lizzie ratings.

But can't you tell I'm a great guy just by looking at me?

- Everybody else can. - You probably are...

but I'm just way too busy to take a chance on a bad date.

I need a quick filter that separates the wheat from the chaff.

Sorry.

Wait, check Lizzie in a couple days

and you'll see that I'm the wheat...

or the chaff. Whichever's the good one.

It's gotta be wheat.

No Olympian wants to be on a box of Chaffies.

Hey, Jen, is Charlie here?

He said he wanted to ask me a favor.

Me, too.

Oh, man, if this is about a three-way again,

I'm gonna hit him with this coffeepot.

No reflection on you. You're adorable.

I think we should say yes to that three-way.

Tie him to his bed,

put his balls in a dish of ice,

and leave.

Are they still attached?

Not necessarily.

- [ groans ] Men. - Are you all right?

Bad date last night.

The capper in a streak

of disasters.

This guy couldn't even get through one sentence

without doing the burp and blow.

- Ah. - [ burps, blows ]

Oh!

- And you know what else? - What?

This loser ditched me.

Eating was all that I could do not to cry.

Turns out I can do both at the same time.

Oh, good, good. You're both here.

Now, this is a little awkward and you're probably gonna say no,

but a lot of girls are doing this now

and it would make me really happy.

I'll get the knife.

What, what, what? No, no, no, no.

I'm not talking about a three-way.

I just need you to give me a couple of good ratings on Lizzie

so this girl will go out with me.

- What? - It's easy.

You just go on their website and say that I'm awesome.

- No way. - Oh, come on.

You owe me, Jen.

What about the time I got you that spa weekend in Palm Springs?

That was to get me out of the house

so you could throw that giant party with hookers.

Okay, first of all, they were models.

Second of all, we were both a lot less tense that Monday.

And, third, just a few of them were hookers.

Not gonna happen.

Besides, I can't even get on that site.

They kicked me off of Facebook.

That's crazy.

Your status updates were, like,

"Just added dryer sheet. Wish me luck. Wink."

Yeah, well, I wasn't getting enough likes,

so I might've posted a couple photos of myself adding the dryer sheets...

without a top on.

I'm going.

Jordan, come on. What do you think?

You don't have to say I'm perfect. I want this to be believable.

Say I'm almost perfect.

Maybe if you took me out to dinner.

You want to go out on a date with me?

No, gross.

But just for once I want to go out with a guy,

have him buy me dinner, treat me like a lady,

and make me feel good about myself.

But it would be totally fake.

I don't care.

I just need to know that another human being

is capable of having a meal with me

without running away or blowing a burp in my face.

I can do that.

You lost your case, Phyllis,

because you had bad representation.

This is the order you pick a lawyer.

It goes Jew, Chinaman,

drunk Jew, sober Irishman, Irishman.

[ laughs ] I love your sense of humor.

Thank you.

You want me to write that list down for you?

[ laughing ]

Mom, I was worried about you.

What part of "Call mewhen you get to the restaurant"didn't you understand?

- What time is it? - It's 9:30.

Oh, God, I'm gonna be paying for this tomorrow.

So, sweetie, how did your interview at the bike shop go?

Not so hot.

Turns out I'm not qualified.

Not qualified to work in a bike shop?

A circus bear could work in a bike shop.

Because a circus bear can ride a bike.

And maybe work the register.

Anyway, they won't let me interview

until I learn how to ride one.

Ed, maybe you could teach him.

Me?

Well, Nolan's always saying

that you're like a dad to him.

And if you've got the time, I'd really appreciate it.

S-sure, I'd be glad to.

Thanks, Ed.

You know, his father never taught him anything

except how to roll a joint.

Luckily, that never had an impact on him.

Uh... yeah.

And in the seventh grade, everybody wanted to do "Cats,"

but the school made us do "You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown,"

so I played Lucy as Mr. Mistoffelees.

The audience didn't know it, but I did.

- Are you cold? - A little.

Hang on a sec.

- There we go. - Charlie.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

- There you go. - Thank you.

You know, you can be very charming when you want to be.

Trust me, even when I don't want to be, I'm still charming.

Let me get you another Diet Coke with lime.

You remembered.

Brett, another Diet Coke with lime

and a coffee mug filled with scotch. Oh, my God.

- Going back for more? - I have to.

I need to hear why her drama teacher

didn't cast her in "Bye, Bye, Birdie."

Maybe it's because she wanted to make him

put a number two pencil through his brain.

Can I get a vodka martini, please?

Holly?

Hey.

It's the future Mrs. Me.

Hi, Charlie.

You're very cute, but I haven't changed my mind.

No, I know, I know. Don't worry, I will be on Lizzie by tomorrow

and you will be impressed with my 10-star rating.

It only goes up to five.

Yeah, well, then you're gonna be really impressed.

- Are you cold? - Just a little.

Hang on a sec.

The girl that I'm trying to impress on Lizzie, well, she's right over there.

Oh, she's pretty.

And she's cold, so give me the coat.

I might be a while, so get dessert.

Anything you want.

Oh, okay, um...

this is good.

It'll give me time to write my Lizzie review.

You're the best, and I am having a wonderful time on this date.

Here you go. Diet Coke with lime.

What are you doing?

Trashing a loser guy on the Internet.

What's another word for "douchebag"?

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Hey.

Dude, you got your first Lizzie review.

That's awesome.

Now all I gotta do is call Holly and tell her

that my meat is officially in the window.

Well, whoever you went out with last night

sliced your meat up pretty good.

What are you talking about?

"Charlie Goodson is self-absorbed,

annoying, insensitive, egotistical."

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You must not be reading that right.

'Cause according to that website, you're illiterate.

Well, I sounded them out.

There's more.

"He actually put napkins on my shoulders when I was cold."

That's weird.

I was being charming. Right after that, I gave her my coat.

"And then he took the coat off of my shoulders

and gave it to another woman."

You're an animal.

I can't believe Jordan would do this to me.

Wait a minute, Jordan wrote this? You went out with Jordan?

It wasn't a date.

She said that if I took her out to a nice dinner,

then her review of me would be a good one.

- Well, it wasn't. - Is there anything else?

"Charlie claims to be sophisticated,

but he mistook my rigatoni for penne."

Well, Jordan can kiss my ass.

They're both tubes.

All right, if your mama wants me to teach you to ride a bicycle,

you're gonna learn how to do it right.

[ thuds ]

Isn't it dangerous to ride without a helmet?

What are you protecting, boy?

Right, now we're gonna work on your balance.

Get on.

Wow, this does not feel great on my junk.

You lift up both feet,

and then when you start to tip over,

put them back down on the ground.

Oh, I can't do this, Ed. I'm afraid.

When a man is afraid, he's got to face his fear.

Just like I married my wife

even though she had a fat mother.

This is a big afternoon, Ed.

I got my hands on the handlebars and my nuts hurt.

Maybe this is enough for today.

No, you're gonna do this.

Imagine the other end of this garage

is the thing that you're missing most in the world.

My bong from high school--

Jon Bong Jovi.

All right, now put your feet on those pedals and go get him.

[ laughs ] It's working!

Go, son, go!

Ed, you forgot to teach me how to stop!

Oh, don't worry. That wall will stop ya.

[ crashes ]

See, I told you.

Well, if it isn't Mr. Abandon- Her-On-Dates-Who-Is-Very-Rude- And-Is-Not-A-Good-Date.

Believe it or not, that name was shortened

when my grandfather came over from the old country.

- Are you drunk? - "Are you drunk"?

A little, but I asked you first.

Jordan, what are you doing? You're in AA.

I am writing Lizzie reviews

of every man who's ever disappointed me.

I'm up to the Ds.

Daddy.

I don't know why you're so upset that I talked to that woman.

We were on a fake date.

Yeah, well, you very unfakily abandoned me.

You know, another word for "unfakily" is "really."

Well, I really came home

and ate a whole key lime pie.

I told you to order dessert.

I did, I ate the pie after dessert.

Jordan, Jordan...

you're being very self-destructive.

I think we both know there's only one thing to do here...

change my review on Lizzie.

Forget it, Mr. Abandon-Her- On-Dates-Who-Is-Very-Rude- And-Is-Not-A-Good-Date.

I am going to the bathroom.

[ door closes ]

Here I am. Okay.

"Edit review."

"Charlie Goodson is the best.

So damn sexy, funny,

handsome, and smart."

What else, what else?

Oh, "Knows all variety

of noodles."

Usually I look for three or four good reviews on Lizzie

before I even go out with a guy,

but yours was so positive, it just won me over.

Yeah, that's the kind of guy I am.

So, how was your fusilli?

You! There you are.

- Having a good time? - Yes, thank you.

I don't know where our server is, but if you could find her

and tell her we need more breadsticks, I'd really appreciate it.

Wait, what's going on?

You took advantage of me when I was drunk.

- Wait, is this true? - I don't know. I don't know.

I'm trying to figure out which is worse--

what that sounded like or what I actually did.

He hacked into my Lizzie account

and made up a review.

Okay, well, now that I hear it out loud,

it's not nearly as bad as what we were all thinking, right?

- You wrote that review? - Hey, I just corrected her spelling.

She spelled "considerate" as "inconsiderate"

and "tolerable" as "intolerable."

Clearly your "in" key is stuck.

I can't believe you did that.

Look, we're having a great time,

and you're the one who wanted this whole ridiculous

Lizzie review and I got it.

By lying and cheating

and taking advantage of a drunk woman.

Exactly, which proves how much I like you.

Good-bye, Charlie.

Wait!

- I hope you're happy. - I'm not.

I can never trust you again.

You are just so screwed up when it comes to women.

Yeah, but before this whole Lizzie thing,

a lot less people knew that.

How'd it go?

- I didn't get the job. - What?

You know how to ride a damn bike.

Yeah, but they ended up giving it to someone with way more experience.

He's 16, he's been riding for 13 years.

I'm sorry, kid.

Tough break.

Look, I'm gonna tell you something

I think you're old enough to hear now.

You're gonna have to leave the house for a while

because I'm gonna throw it in your mom.

Okay.

Oh, Nolan. You're a hell of a bike rider.

Don't let anybody tell you any different.

Thanks.

And have fun playing Scrabble with my mom.

That's not what I said.

That's what I heard.

In your mind, am I those papers?

Part of you is.

Would you mind trying to get that part under here?

I could try.

Let me take you out to a really nice lunch to make up for what happened.

And I promise I won't get up from the table to hit on some other woman.

Unless that makes you happy.

Which would be awesome, by the way.

Fine.

But you're still a jerk.

And not just you.

All men are jerks.

You ever think that you pick these jerks

because you went through such a terrible divorce?

What does one thing have to do with the other?

Because you know there's no future with these dickheads.

And they can't hurt you like your ex-husband did.

Maybe.

Is that why I work with a dickhead?

Nah, that's just a coincidence.