All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E53.Charlie.and.His.Probation.Officers.Daughter.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

Now, you've all been
going off on each other
a lot lately.

So today, if somebody
frustrates you,

instead of verbally
attacking them,

shoot them
with a foam dart.

So, Ed, what's on
your mind today?

Well, I woke up
this morning--

This is a great idea.
Where do we get more bullets?

Here's some more.

This is good.
Nobody yelled at each other.

This is stupid.
If we're gonna do this,

can we just use real guns?

If we used real guns,
two people would
already be dead.

Three.

What's going on, Lace?
You seem a little tense.

I haven't
been able to sleep.

A couple of days ago,
I saw a mouse running
around my apartment.

It totally freaked me out.

- Don't say it, Ed.
- Say what?

You know, that Lacey and mice
have a lot in common.

They both run around
at night and carry diseases.

Hey, I was trying
to protect you.

That's for the lie.

If you want, Lacey,
I can come by tonight

and help you
catch the mouse.

Okay, fine.
But just know

if you come after 7:00,
I'm gonna be all sweaty
from Pilates.

You know, this is great.
You guys have developed
a friendship--

[ dart fires ]

What the hell
was that for, Nolan?

I didn't mean to.

My finger
was on the trigger
and I was picturing

Lacey all sweaty
from Pilates.

[ phone chimes ]

Sorry, guys.

Ugh.

It's a reminder
from the ethics board

that I have to see
my probation officer today.

I can't believe you have
a probation officer

from pulling your pants
down at a bank.

I shot a guy in the balls
and I didn't get one.

You have
a probation officer.

Oh, my God.
I'd better call that guy.

But you're right,
it is insulting to
have to report

to somebody who's going
to judge my behavior.

There's nothing wrong
with my behavior.

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

In Nerf therapy,
you also get shot

if you block the driveway

or are late on your bill

or fall asleep
during session.

Oh, come on.

Next time, you have
to answer the phone
like that.

This is a professional
organization

that represents
psychologists.

I'm not going to say it.

- [ phone ringing ]
- Okay.

I guess you're not the girl
I thought you were.

Thank you for calling
Cuckooville Crazy Hut.

It's probably
your mom's fault.
Can I help you?

Oh, hello, my boss.

Sorry, I thought my friend
was calling back.

How much longer?

Okay, I'll tell him.

I hate you so much.

And now I'm stuck
with you for another hour.

Awesome.

If I had known that you
were the receptionist here,

I'd have
gotten in trouble
a long time ago.

Oh? What'd you do?

I pulled my pants down
in a bank.

It was kind of
a political protest.

Oh, really?
So what do you do

when you don't have your
pants around your ankles?

I'm an anger management
therapist and I also run
a sex study.

Ooh, sex study?
Oh, I want to play.

- Interview me.
- Okay.

One of the things we examine
is the effects of geography

on sexual mores.

I don't know
what that means.

Where's the craziest
place you ever had sex?

In the bathroom at work.

- How was that?
- Ask me in about 20 minutes.

Are you saying
what I think you're saying?

'Cause my body is saying yes,
but my head is saying yes.

I don't want
to get you fired.

Oh, please.
Get me fired.

The pay sucks
and there are no benefits
except this one.

- Let's go.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's not be animals
about this.

We should hold hands
on our way to the bathroom.

Sorry to have kept
you waiting, Goodson.

I was in a hearing
pulling someone's license.

What was the infraction?

Dating patients,
seducing interns,

inappropriate
therapeutic methods.

Where do you stand on shooting
your patients with a Nerf gun?

[ laughs ]
I can't imagine
a circumstance

where that would
be of any value.

Me neither.
And if any of my patients

say I was doing
something like that,
remember, they're crazy.

So far, Goodson,
I don't like you.

Wait, I know what
you're gonna say next.

You don't like me,
but you respect me.

No.

Okay.
You don't like me,

but you're willing
to reserve judgment until
you get to know me.

No.

You've made up your mind
and I'm screwed.

In a perfect world, yes.

But what I think
doesn't matter.

Your probation is based upon
you screwing up again.

And when you do,
I will bury you deeper

than the pharaohs of old.

Okay, I don't mean
to correct you,

but technically not all
pharaohs were buried.

A lot of them were entombed
in little things aboveground
called pyramids.

Excuse me, Dr. Cameron.
Can I see you for a moment?

Excuse me.
I'll be right back.

You know, maybe it's just
the sense of fun you bring
to any situation,

but I miss you already.

I'm busy.
What is it?

Well, I've got to get
out of here early tonight.
I'm going to a concert.

This is a job
and you stay until
it's done.

You just don't get up
and want to leave early
because you're my daughter.

Sorry.

My assistant,

she's always trying
to screw me.

Been there.

[ theme music playing ]

Did you find
the mouse yet?

No, I just finished
setting the traps.

Don't worry.
It won't hurt you.

He's probably more scared
of you than you are of him,

like I am.

Why would you be
scared of me, Nolan?

If I wanted to hurt you,
I would have by now.

You have hurt me.
Many times.

Yes, because I wanted to.

- [ clicking ]
- What was that?

I don't know,
but I think
he'll come out

if we stay quiet and still
for an hour or two.

Maybe lay down
on top of each other
with our clothes off.

Go check in the bathroom.

Mice are attracted
to nudity.

Go!

- Oh, my God!
- Did you get him?

No, we both use
Pert Plus.

- Got him.
- Then come out.

You know, according
to your scale,

I lost 20 pounds
since I left my house.

It's adjusted
for water weight.

Did you get the mouse?

Here's the little fella,

all safe in his house.

[ squeals ]
Yay.

Totally saved my life.
Thanks, Nolan.

Side hug.

You and that thing
can go now.

Bye.

[ whimpers ]

Hey, little guy.

I'm gonna
call you Mickey

'cause you remind me of my
favorite character as a kid.

Mickey Rourke.

Did you see her
hug me in there?

It was all
because of you.

Hey, do you want to do this
again tomorrow night?

Cool.

So Nolan caught the mouse

and it was the bravest
thing I've ever seen.

Except for a fireman who ran
into a burning building

to save a pair of shoes
I left in there.

He went into a burning
building for shoes?

Yeah.

After I told him
there was a baby in
a Gucci shoe box.

The real victim here
is the next baby

in a shoe box stuck
in a burning building.

So have you seen
any more mice?

Nope.

- Really?
- No.

Because where
there's one mouse,

there's usually
at least one more

that looks
exactly like him.

Sure, he can say it
about mice,

but if I say it about
the damned Asians--

And we're out of time.

See you all next week.

So, Goodson...

you always allow
racist comments in group?

Well, I would have
cut him off sooner,

but I think we were all
a little bit curious

about which ethnic group
he was gonna insult this time.

Charlie, I want
to do the guns again.

I like shooting Ed
when he says stuff like that.

- Guns?
- Guns. Guns.

Guns are what we call
strong words.

When we shoot our gun,
we're expressing ourselves.

Ed, you hurt me.

See?
I just shot my gun.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, Dr. Cameron,
my daughter Sam.

- Hi, Sam.
- Hi.

Dad, you know how I usually
have to check my locker

a million times
to make sure it's locked?

Well, today,
I only checked it once.

Well, that's fabulous.
Congratulations, sweetie.

Yeah.
So I think I'm gonna
go back to school.

- Why?
- I think I forgot a book.

My daughter
has a bit of OCD.

You don't
have to tell me.

I recognize the symptoms
in my own daughter.

She works in my office.

Your daughter?

Yes, Shannon.
You met her.

Any chance it was
the Hispanic lady

mopping the hallway?

No, the receptionist.

She's my little girl.

[ phone chimes ]

- You need to get that?
- No, no. No, it can wait.

- [ phone chimes ]
- So, how does your
daughter's OCD

manifest itself?
Repetition? Hand washing?

It's the thing
she does to men.

- Oh.
- [ phone chimes ]

She meets some guy,
and if he doesn't contact
her in a couple of days,

she becomes insecure
and clingy.

- [ phone chimes ]
- Feels compelled to text
him like a madman.

- [ phone chimes ]
- I feel sorry for those guys.

[ phone chimes ]

You sure you don't
have to get that?

I've never been
more sure about anything
in my entire life.

I should probably leave.

Frankly, I blame the men.

These guys come in,
take advantage of her,
then break her heart.

I've yet to put
my hands on one.

When I do,
I'll make him pay
for all the others.

That doesn't seem fair.

I'm not a fair man,
Goodson.

You're the ethics guy.

[ phone chimes ]

[ phone chimes ]

[ phone chimes ]

What is up
with your phone?

Who's texting you?

Friends.

You're just jealous
'cause I'm popular.

- [ phone chimes ]
- Son of a bitch!
Leave me alone!

It's a girl,
isn't it?

The second you meet somebody,
you want to jump their bones

and then you find out
that they're crazy.

That's not what this is.

This is a lot of different
friends driving me nuts.

"Whatcha doing?"
"Did you get my texts?"

Hey, Charlie.
Whatcha doing?
Did you get my texts?

Right again.

Shannon, what are you
doing here?

Can't your girlfriend come
and see where you work?

I'm Shannon.
Who are you?

I'm Jordan.

Jordan is also a girl.

And my friend.

So she's
my girlfriend, too.

Like you are.

Yes, but we're not
having sex like you are.

Yes, but you and I
are doing a scientific
study on that very subject.

You'll find this
interesting.

It is a proven fact
that people can have sex

one time, like we did,
and just be friends.

A proven fact.

Like gravity.

Are you trying to tell me
that we're just friends now?

I think I know
what's going on here.

You're worried my dad
is gonna find out about
us and freak.

But as long
as we're together,

nothing bad will ever
happen because I will
never tell him.

Now, are we in
a relationship or not?

Sure sounds like it.

[ knocking ]

Thanks for coming
over so quick.

I was just taking a bath
and I saw another mouse.

I know this is stressful.
Why don't you pour
us some wine,

light some candles
while I kill this mouse?

And if another one
comes back tomorrow,
I'll kill him, too.

Maybe I should
just get a cat.

If you do, I'll come back
and kill him, too.

[ gasps ]

You know,
if he's bothering you.

Well, I don't see
anything.

But I'll stay here
all night if I have to.

[ sighs ]

You want to watch
a movie or something?

Maybe get back
in the bath?

- [ squeaking ]
- There it is!

What are you doing?

You're too slow.
I'm gonna kill it myself.

No, you can't, Lacey,
because of your religion.

- Whatever it's called.
- Oh, Hindu, Shmindu.

Shmindu, that's it.

- Prepare to die.
- No, Lacey, stop.

I can't let you
do this to Mickey.

Mickey's not a pest.
He's my friend.

There was only one mouse
and I let him in your apartment
so I could be near you.

- Nolan.
- No, I love him.

And no one's
gonna hurt him.

Now where'd he go?
I want to take him home.

He was on the broom.

What?

Oh.

Well, hopefully now
he's in Shmindu heaven.

I was talking last week
about how anger

is often a by-product
of fear.

So I'd like to go around
the room and have each of us

state what
we're most afraid of.

My biggest fear
is public speaking.

The first time
I robbed a bank,

instead of saying,
"Give me all your money,"

I said, "Give me
all your monkeys."

And it fell apart
from there.

Cleo, what are you
most afraid of?

You know Marcellus,

the meanest, baddest prisoner
in this whole place?

I think I've heard of him.

I'm afraid he no longer
finds me attractive.

I mean, he was
obsessed with me,

but now when he sees me,
it's like I'm not even there.

So he was
obsessed with you

and you got him
to stop? How?

You got a problem
with someone obsessing
on you, Charlie?

Yes, and I'm afraid
if I break up with her,

then her dad will take away
my therapy license.

If he does,
I know a guy that can
make a fake one for you.

You got four packs
of cigarettes

and a pair of gently used
old lady underwear?

I don't.

I'm a little concerned
about the crowd you're
hanging with.

You got to make up
a great lie.

One that'll make her
think breaking up with you
is her only option.

I know a guy who can come up
with a great lie for you.

You got a complete set
of oil paints and a six-pack
of root beer?

Him I like.

Oh, he's the same guy
with the underwear.

Just has a crazy
pricing system.

Ernesto's right
about the lie.

But it can't be
just any lie.

It's got to be a lie
that she relates to

so she'll believe it.

Exactly. I didn't want
my kids to know that
I killed people,

so I told them
I'm in here 'cause
I robbed a candy store.

They can relate to that.

That's why they
believed my lie.

That's very
thoughtful, Wayne.

But wait, wait, wait.
You don't have any kids.

But you do.
That's why you
believed my lie.

I feel really close
to you right now.

Maybe it's because
you've sitting in my lap
for an hour.

You're so funny.

Why don't I get us
a couple of beers

while my scrotum
reinflates?

I hope you like Corona
'cause it's all I got!

Missed you.

We-- we should talk.

No, no, no.
Over there. Over there.

Is everything okay?

I mean, we're having
a good time, aren't we?

Oh, yeah.
No, this is friggin'
Mardi Gras.

But I have to tell you
something very serious.

It's about
my ex-wife Jennifer.

What is it?

She has an extreme
case of--

I don't know if
you've heard of this--

OCD.

Heard of it?
You are not gonna
believe it,

but I've got it.

What?
You're kidding?
I had no idea.

Yeah.

I can totally relate
to her problems.

Well, I was hoping
you would.

But her situation
has gotten so bad

that she's gonna have
to move back in here with me.

And I don't think we can
keep seeing each other.

Are you sure?

'Cause I've got my OCD
completely under control.

Sure, you.
But she can barely
leave her house.

- Hey, Charlie.
- Jennifer!

What are you doing
out of your house?

Is this about me sleeping in
till noon yesterday?

'Cause I don't need
your sarcastic crap.

Hi, I'm Jennifer,
Charlie's ex.

And don't mind me,
I'm just here to pick up
my daughter's tennis racquet.

I'm just grabbing something
to drink and I'm out.

She seems like
she's doing pretty well.

Are you sure
she needs supervision?

Are you kidding me?

Watch her
obsessive rituals.

First, she pours herself
a glass of water.

And fills it
to right there.

Every time.

It's painful to watch.

Now she brings it
to her lips.

And watch how many
times she swallows.

One, two, three.

Three.
It's always three.
It's so sad.

Then she looks over
at me suspicious.

We're working
on this part.

Hey, honey.

Charlie, do you mind if I cut
myself up an avocado?

Sure. Go ahead.

Did you hear that?

She said, "cut myself up."
It's about to go sideways.

You should leave
while you can.

Jen, give me the knife.

- Why?
- You know why.

Go, Shannon. Go.

From now on,
if you're gonna use me

to get rid
of some crazy bitch,

let me know in advance.

You should be nice to me.

I just left a very
important relationship
to take care of you.

So, I wake up
last night and there's
a ferret in my bed.

It's not mine.
I promise.

It has a tag
on the harness

that says
"Nolan's ferret."

First of all,
it's pronounced...

[ with French accent ]
"No-lahn's ferray."

Which means
"Nolan's ferret."

I had an exciting time
myself last night.

I flipped on the TV

and there was
"A Place in the Sun"

with a young, hot
Elizabeth Taylor.

Oh, my God,
I watched that, too.

Elizabeth Taylor
was so gorgeous.

You've got
that right, kiddo.

Hey, we finally
found it.

The intersection
of old and gay.

Well, thanks, everybody.
See you next week.

So, Doc,
how am I doing?

As a therapist?

You seem to be competent.

Your personal life
is another story.

My daughter
told me everything.

Okay, in my defense,
she's got daddy issues.

That's kind of on you.

Excuse me?

She told me about
your ex-wife's problem

and how you're
taking care of her.

I think that's
extraordinary.

Oh, that.
Well, it's the least
I can do

given my high
moral standards.

With that in mind,

I think you can go without
the constant monitoring
for a couple of months.

Wow!
Thank you.

I couldn't be happier.

Other than the fact
that my ex-wife's

mental health
is rapidly deteriorating.

Guess who got
lucky last night.

Oh, hi. I'm Jen,
Charlie's ex-wife.

Sorry to interrupt.

Okay, I need to fire
her new caregiver.

That guy is taking
way too many liberties.