Original subtitles

So the doc says my blood pressure is too high.

You've got to learn to relax more, Ed.

[ chair humming ]

You should get yourself a massage chair.

Nolan, didn't you have a phone interview for a job yesterday?

Mmm, how did that go?

Would you turn that off?

It's like trying to have a therapy session in a Brookstone.

You know, we should do that sometime.

I postponed it till tomorrow.

Although I may change it to Friday

or Monday-- or just cancel it altogether

because I worry that I...

come across as indecisive over the phone.

You know what, guys? Let's try some role-playing.

Lacey, why don't you pretend that you're hiring

and, Nolan, you call her on the phone

for a job interview?

Okay. [ exhales ]

Hi, this is Nolan Johnson

and I'm calling about the assistant manager job.

Hold, please.

- Patrick. - Yes, ma'am?

Could you push my lunch?

You've pushed it twice already. Don't make me do it again.

I don't like your attitude. You're fired.

Good. And just so you know,

every time you made me run down the street to get your skinny latte,

I put whole milk in it and stirred it with my finger.

- [ gasps ] - That's right.

Enjoy your saddlebags, bitch.

And that's the story of why I never suggested role-playing again.

They did it again, Ed.

Those people down the hall dumped all our wet laundry

on the floor before I had a chance to put it in the dryer.

I'll have to use yours, Charlie.

Dad, we're in the middle of something here.

Thanks to them, I don't have any underpants on

and I can't tell you how uncomfortable it is.

For everybody. Can we go now?

You guys can. I'm stuck here hanging out with my dad,

who is also hanging out.

I've just about had it with those damn Mexicans.

Are your neighbors Mexican, Ed,

or is this generic racism?

Yes.

No, this has nothing to do with racism, Charlie.

I mean, it could be any family

who plays loud Spanish music

through their open windows all night

after screaming at a televised soccer game all day.

And on top of that,

your dad had to come and pick me up

because they blocked my car in with theirs.

You'd think if there was one thing a Mexican is good at,

it's parking cars.

Guys, have you talked to them and tried to work this out?

Obviously you didn't, Ed, 'cause they'd have taken you

to a public park and beaten you like a cheap piñata.

Look, Charlie, you do this sort

of conflict resolution all the time.

Could you just please come by tonight and talk to these wretched people?

Dad, I don't want to get involved.

If you'll come by and help us out tonight,

we'll share something special with you.

Yeah, we're bottling up our first batch

of homemade moonshine.

You guys are making your own moonshine in your apartment?

Yeah. Doctor said I was drinking too much

and I need a hobby.

Well, looks like somebody has certainly outsmarted somebody.

Hey. Charlie around?

Charlie's not here. Go away. I don't like you.

You know, every single girl starts like that,

but they all end up sleeping with me.

And then they all end up hating you again.

I'm just taking the shortcut.

I'll wait.

Hey, what's another word for multiple male orgasms?

Is this for a crossword?

No, I'm sending a thank-you note to your mother.

So whatcha doing?

I'm about to transcribe the interactions

of couples having intercourse for our study.

Amateur porn, I love it. Are you guys hiring?

No, and if you don't leave, I am calling campus police.

They don't have guns, but they are fat and slow.

What's wrong with you? What, are you afraid

I'm gonna see you getting turned on watching videos?

No, I hate watching these.

I don't get aroused by anything but being alone

in a bedroom with a man that I love.

You know who I feel bad for?

That guy.

That's it. I am calling campus police.

You have exactly one hour to get out of here.

Will you stop it? Hang up the phone.

I'm just being a dick.

Look, I'll watch the videos and make the notes for you.

I am a grown woman. I can do this.

- [ moaning ] - See?

No problem.

Naked man, naked woman.

Naked man bending over. I'm tapping out.

Excuse me.

Before I get on this elevator,

that's not a warning saying that this thing isn't safe, is it?

Oh, no. But I'd take the stairs.

The safety certificate in there

is a kids' menu from Denny's.

Thank you. I'm Charlie, by the way.

Oh, hi. Livi.

Pleased to meet you, Livi. I'll take one of those.

I'd love to attend your yard sale or help you find your lost dog

or even be your roommate.

You don't live here, do you?

No, unless the roommate thing pans out.

I'm trying to get a petition together

to get these guys kicked out.

"Evict the dicks in 206."

It's catchy.

Thanks.

My family lives down the hall from them.

The bald one calls my gay cousins

the "refried queens."

These guys sound like monsters.

You have beautiful eyes.

Oh, thank you.

I'd ask you to help me out with the rest of these flyers,

but I guess you're here to see somebody.

Not anymore.

You know a great place to hang up some of these flyers?

That little Italian place on the corner.

Oh, that's a good idea.

I bet they get a lot of traffic from this building.

Absolutely.

And if we wind up having dinner,

splitting a bottle of wine, getting drunk, and going back to my place,

that's the risk we must take to evict these gringos.

[ theme music playing ]

Hey, thanks again for helping me put up the flyers.

Hey, it's for a good cause.

Look, I have a confession.

I knew that I didn't have six more rolls

of Scotch Tape at my house.

I've got a confession, too.

I had a ton of extra Scotch Tape in my car.

Listen, you know how hard it is to get someone evicted?

I mean, can't you just ignore these two old misfits?

Oh, please. You don't know what they're like.

I can kind of picture it.

They make so much noise.

Like yelling and screaming.

The one with the hair is always going off

about having some ungrateful son

who spends all his time chasing women.

Sounds like the ramblings of a madman.

And the bald one, he is so angry and racist.

I guess he's seeing a therapist,

but that guy must suck.

Please. I'll bet his therapist is great.

You know, sometimes it's the patient who--

can't we just pity them and act like they're dead?

I can't. In my country, my family owns a large house.

The taxes were too high, so it was our dream

to come to America and have a place that we could rent.

You know, a small place that we would not call our own.

Wow.

If it was up to me, I would open the border

to all of you beautiful and confusing people.

I'm having an anger problem I'd like to discuss, Charlie.

Well, shoot, Wayne.

Well, as you know, I'm my cell block's distributor

of fine handcrafted prison wines

and spirits since 2004.

Of course. In fact, I'm still saving a bottle

of your '07 toilet tank chardonnay for a special occasion.

Well, as it turns out, someone from the Latin Lords

is making a competing wine that some people are reviewing

as lighter, crisper,

and less toilety.

The Latin Lords are making wine now?

Huh. I guess they gave up on their jockstrap tequila.

That's too bad, 'cause I heard really good things.

Yeah, especially because the Aryans

made a truce with the Latin Lords

by giving them my wine as a gift.

But now that they can make their own,

our fragile peace is in jeopardy.

Wait a minute. So exchanging gifts stopped a race war?

Yeah, we gave 'em our toilet wine

and they gave us baklava made of Cheetos and tobacco.

- Opa. - Opa.

That's exactly what I should do.

What are you talking about, Charlie?

Well, I've been dating this woman whose family hates my father.

So I'm thinking if I can get them together to exchange peace offerings,

she won't hate me when she finds out that I'm his son.

Ooh, it's just like when I played Maria

in our prison production of "West Side Story."

I also played Officer Krupke

and dead Puerto Rican number four.

I'm sorry I missed that.

Oh, yeah, I got a Tony. He lives in the bunk beneath me.

And when he leaves, I'm gonna get myself an Oscar.

[ phone rings ]

- [ voices moaning ] - Go for Sean.

Sean, it's Jordan.

Hey. What's up?

Where are your notes on the sex tapes?

I'm almost done.

Had to watch that hipster couple, like, four times.

I couldn't tell if they were having real orgasms or ironic ones.

Well, it's almost midnight

and I still have to correlate those notes with the EEG readings by tomorrow.

[ sighs ] Listen, why don't I just e-mail you

the stuff that I'm done with

and then instead of typing up the rest of it,

I can just read it to you over the phone?

- Okay, go ahead. - All right.

This is couple #223.

- [ keyboard clicking ] - Go on.

At two minutes, 37 seconds in,

he gently turns her over

and starts caressing the back of her neck.

Okay.

Now he is kissing her along the curve of her back

and down towards her...

Go on.

Yeah.

Really?

Okay.

Go on.

And she arches her back toward him.

Are you okay? You're breathing kind of funny.

I'm fine. You know, it's just--

keep going for the study.

Now what's he's doing?

Are you sure you want to know?

Tell me.

He is whispering into her ear,

"I want you."

And she likes it.

Oh, yeah, she does.

Charlie, do you have any dietary restrictions?

Oh, just nothing with beans, cheese, or rice.

- Oh. - I'm joking.

I love your food. I find it Mexcellent.

Yes, well, we're from El Salvador.

Well, in that case, may I say that your daughter

is El Salvadorable?

That's very funny.

I've only heard that like a Brazilliontimes.

Anyway, I want to thank you for having me over tonight.

Well, you said it was important.

It is. It is.

Livi tells me that you have some friction with a couple of neighbors

and I think I have the solution.

Why him? Who the hell is this guy?

No, no, no, Charlie's very good at conflict resolution.

- Oh. - He's a therapist.

- A doctor? - Well, actually, I'm--

Oh, we always dreamed that Livi would come to America and meet a doctor.

Oh, a doctor, a small rental apartment.

Well, we pretty much made it.

Well, as a doctor in good standing,

it is my opinion you should invite them over and exchange a peace offering.

A peace offering? What, are we gangs in prison?

No, I was thinking more like pilgrims and Indians.

Except without all the VD and the genocide.

Well, I'll tell you what.

When they're ready to apologize,

I'll consider a peace offering.

What if I said that they already did apologize?

- They did? - Yes, I took the liberty of talking to them

and they said that they were so ashamed of their behavior

that they were sorry.

[ chuckles ] Liberty.

Now there's a fickle bitch.

You come to America, get your dream apartment,

and you end up living down the hall

from the two old grumpy dudes from the Muppets.

What kind of peace offering are you thinking of?

I don't know. What if you brought some of your delicious food?

- Okay. - And they brought some of their homemade moonshine,

and before you know it, you'll be getting along like rice and be--

--lieve me you'll be glad you did it.

Moonshine?

They're making moonshine over there?

Not only is it awesome, but a single jug

will power your car all the way to Vegas.

Making moonshine is illegal.

We'll get them busted and get them out of here.

- Thank you, Dr. Charlie. - Wait, wait, hang on.

Now my father loves you.

Well, good, 'cause I'm gonna need a new one.

Why, is he sick?

He will be.

- Hey, guys. - Oh, perfect timing.

Here.

Have one of these.

This is a fresh batch right out of this--

whatever this is.

Well, it's not eating through the glass, so that's a good sign.

Yes, 'cause we just installed

this brand-new purification system.

Here's mud in your eye.

- Oh, wow. - [ exhales ]

[ gags ]

My mouth tastes like a nail salon.

Yeah, we're gonna make a fortune off of this.

Hear, hear.

This is actually the reason why I came to talk to you guys.

The family that you're fighting with,

they know about the moonshine.

How'd they find out about that?

Me? Why would I tell them?

- What? - What?

Look, the point is, you've got six angry people living there

that want to throw you both out on your asses.

Ah, you hear that, Ed? They got six people living over there.

The lease says they're only allowed to have four.

So now we can kick them out on their asses.

I see your mouth moving,

but I hear "The Star-Spangled Banner."

So the only way to solve this

is for all of us to sit down and hash it out.

All right, fine.

You gonna give up that sneezily?

Guys, the only way that I can broker this peace deal

is that they do not know that I'm your son.

You're my son?

I don't want them thinking that I'm on your side

- even though I'm on your side. - Mm-hmm.

Also, for reasons way too complicated to explain,

I need you to call me Dr. Goodson.

Dr. Goodson.

Nice to meet you, Dr. Goodson.

Here are your DVDs.

Thank you. I appreciate it. Very good work.

You know, for someone who claims to not like dirty talk,

you sure seem to like it a lot.

Only question I have is did you like it all the way a lot?

Get out.

Don't deny it. This is a big day for you.

I bet that was the first one you ever had.

Get a life.

I think we should get a cake.

A Bundt cake shaped like a big O.

You want to know what really happened?

I had an asthma attack.

That's why I was breathing heavy.

Then I had a series of sneezes that built in intensity.

That makes sense.

You know, Charlie has cameras hidden all over this office, right?

What?!

That's all I needed to know.

But look, if I'm going to mediate these peace talks,

you cannot let them know that I'm dating your daughter.

I don't want them thinking that I'm on your side

even though I'm on your side.

Yeah, well, that's a good idea.

Nice place. But you'd better watch out.

I've heard the one with hair talks about taking stuff

out of his own son's house.

Like what? His son's shower radio?

I appreciate you helping,

but I'll give you my official thank you tonight.

And I'll give you my official "you're welcome" immediately after.

Or before, your call.

[ knocking on door ]

Dr. Goodson. It's good to see you again.

Dr. Goodson.

It's good to see you, too, Mr. Landry.

Come on in.

Well, since I've never been here before,

I must say you have a swell place, Doctor.

Thank you, Mr. Good--

Year.

- Goodyear? - Yes, that's right.

- Like the tire company? - That's it.

My family owns that tire company.

Really? And you live in that apartment?

They must have disowned you,

which I totally understand.

Hey, you're in my seat.

What are you talking about? I got here first.

There's no assigned seating.

Everyone can sit anywhere they want.

Fine. I'll sit in the Lacey chair.

Lacy? Actually, it's more like a suede chair.

Now, look, I know that we all have our differences,

but tonight we are here to communicate.

And only in English.

You're a disgusting man.

So are you.

- I will kill you. I will kill you. - All right, all right!

That's enough. That's enough.

That's enough. That's enough.

Look, if we all cannot resolve this, you're gonna wind up homeless.

You'd throw your own father out on the street?

Your father?

Where?

Let's go.

Hey, hang on a second.

Why didn't I see this before?

Hey, come.

They're--

they're like the same guy.

No, the other one is a lot fatter.

It's the other one.

The other one.

Oh, yeah! I see it now.

Yeah.

I can't believe you lied to me.

This man is your father?

Hey, no one is more upset about that than me.

I will not allow you to date the son of a man

who dries his underwear on the Ping-Pong table in the community room.

For your information, señor,

it is a multipurpose table.

And I am tired of being insulted, Charlie.

Make your pick. Me or your girlfriend?

That's easy. I choose her.

You choose me?

What kind of man will turn his back on his own blood?

What? He's a thief and a hillbilly moonshiner.

Madre de Dios.

How could you say that about your own father?

Because I know him.

This explains everything.

You have been so disrespected by your own child

that you take it out on your neighbors.

- Mmm. - Like the production of a fine automobile,

this is something that could never happen in El Salvador.

You know what?

You should all listen to me, I'm a doctor.

Pshh-hh, he's no doctor.

Give me back my shower radio.

Ed, Martin, please know

that if your own family does not love you

and respect you, we will.

You will always have a home with us.

I think I like my Mexican family

more than I like my white family.

Brilliant plan.

You created a third enemy and that's what united them.

I never want to see you again.

That's good. That's good, stay in character.

We are done, Charlie. You lied about everything.

You're not even a doctor.

Keep it going.

I'll call you later.