All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E51.Charlie.and.the.Last.Temptation.of.Eugenio.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

All right,
while we're waiting
for Patrick to get here

and start talking
about your problems,

I've got a major
problem of my own.

Who should I go out with
Saturday night?

Super hot or--

Both:
Super hot.

It's always super hot.

But I didn't even
tell you about the girl
who's super smart.

You know what?
You're right.

I'm assuming this is about
your date to my wedding to
Patrick on Saturday night.

Well, it's definitely not
for the Slash concert
at Staples Center.

So anyone know someone
who wants tickets

to the Slash concert
at Staples Center?

How could you
forget, Charlie?

Thursday's the rehearsal,
Saturday's the wedding,

and Sunday
Patrick and I cash

the million-dollar
wedding check my parents
are giving us.

Because I thought by now
that this scam would be over

and the next time you and I
spoke would be from jail.

Lacey, you're making
a mockery of weddings.

They're supposed to be
about two people who actually
care about each other.

Well, I'm not going.

And don't anyone try
to talk me into it.

So, Lacey,

is your family coming
from India to witness
this joyous felony?

Yes, and I just found out
my parents are having Mahesh
at the wedding.

Mahesh?
Is that a person

or some dot-head appetizer

that's gonna give
me the trots?

Mahesh is the ugly,
fat kid from India

that my parents
wanted me to marry.

This is gonna
be so awkward.

Just be polite to him.

How can I be polite
when he's fat?

It's easy.

Like when I'm talking
to someone who's shallow
and self-centered,

you just pay them
a compliment and smile.

By the way,
great blouse.

Oh, my God,
thank you.

I remember you
as a little girl

all wide-eyed
and innocent.

And tomorrow
I am marrying you.

- You must be very excited.
- Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Before we start
this rehearsal thing,

I've got this Hindu friend
who's getting married

to a guy
just to get a buttload
of money from her parents.

Can you go to
Hindu hell for that?

Lacey.

Don't move.

You know what?
Just text me the answer.
You're the coolest. Bye.

Hi. Can I help you?

You are just as beautiful
as I remembered.

Holy crap.

Mahesh.

When did you become
crazy doable?

You motivated me
to lose weight when you
turned down my proposal.

Oh, my God.
I created you?

This is awesome.

Well, a lot has changed.

I also started
my own software company
in Silicon Valley.

Oh.

[ stammering ]
How is that going?

Microsoft offered us
300 million,

but I think
we can do better.

Are you asking me
to marry you?

What?

You're marrying Patrick.

Okay.
I'll think about it.

Okay, so you'll read this

after the Hindu cleric
and the priest welcome
everybody.

So they're both
performing the ceremony?

The Hindu cleric
is for Lacey's family

and the priest
is for my mother

who still makes me
feel worthless even
from beyond the grave.

Excuse me.
Do you know where the--

Charlie?

As I live and breathe,
Eugene Alvarez.

Oh, my God.
It's been so long.

Last time I saw you,
I was in the dugout

watching you break
your bat over your knee.

Last time I saw you,
you were in the clubhouse

offering me a bottle
of Jack Daniels

and a handful of Vicodin
because I broke a bat
over my knee.

That was a long
time ago, Charlie.

- A lot has changed. Yeah.
- Yes, it has.

I'm an anger management
therapist now

and you're a guy
who dresses like a priest.

[ laughs ]

I don't know the gag,
but I like it.

There is no gag.

I mean, I'm a man
of the cloth.

I'm one
with the Lord now.

Wow.

And there I was feeling
all high and mighty

for not parking
in the handicap zone.

- So you're doing the wedding?
- Yeah, yeah, first one.

I mean, I'm new at this.
I've only been a priest
a couple of months.

So you're popping
your wedding cherry.

- Am I allowed to say that?
- Yeah, of course.

Charlie, I'm still
the same guy

even though I wear
this collar

and you have
to call me Father

and you have
to kiss my ring.

And you have to
kiss my ass.

[ laughs ]
I was kidding.

So was I.

Listen, after rehearsal,
let's go grab several drinks
and get all caught up, yeah?

Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, just so you know,
I don't really drink anymore.

I mean, other than
the sacraments.

Not a problem.
Go to this great
little place I know.

They have a two-for-one
sacrament until 7:00.

[ theme music playing ]

So how's Jen?

Oh, she's doing good,
but, you know, we're
divorced now.

Oh, I'm sorry.
That's a shame.

Oh, come on.
If you weren't a priest,
you'd be all over that.

- You always had
a thing for her.
- Yeah.

Now I have a thing
for Him.

That sounded a little
odd, my friend.

Yeah.

So wait a minute.
This whole priest thing,
I don't get it.

I mean, you were the guy
that got kicked off

of Motley Crue's tour bus
for making Tommy Lee cry.

People change, Charlie.

I was given
a sign from God.

What, did you see,
like, Christ's face on
a piece of toast?

[ laughs ]
Of course not.

It was in
a flour tortilla.

I was depressed.
I was feeling hopeless.

I looked down
and there he was,

smiling up at me.

But that must sound
silly to you, right?

No, no, not at all.
In fact, one time I dropped
a tube of Go-Gurt

and the splatter told me
to stay drunk for nine
straight days.

[ laughs ]
Come on.

But I think you might have
taken it a little too far.

Well, think what you want.

But my life is easier
now that I don't have
those urges anymore.

- Aha.
- What?

- You just checked her out.
- No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did.
- I didn't.

Oh, come on.
You could pick that ass
out of an ass lineup.

Which we did once
in Kansas City, remember?

- I'm telling you,
man, this isn't you.
- Charlie, this is me.

I'll bet if I threw
some real temptation on,you wouldn't be able to say no.

Go for it.
My faith is strong.

You come here
tomorrow night.

- But you've got to give
me a fighting chance.
- Okay.

Lose the collar.
Don't tell anyone
you're a priest.

Done. But if I prove
you wrong,

you have to come
to church for a year.

- Fine.
- Okay.

Make it two years.

You know what?
Three...

months.

Just not in a row.

You ran into
Eugene Alvarez?

That's so random.

Didn't you
used to like him?

No, you and I
were married.

I never even thought
of him that way.

Is he still single,
because, God, I wanted him.

He's about as single
as single gets.

You'd never hit on
a priest, would you?

Of course not.

Why? He's not
a priest now, is he?

No, no.

But he's thinking
about becoming one.

That is not
a good idea.

Talk about putting
a square peg in a round hole.

I think his days
of putting his peg in any
kind of hole are over.

Unless someone shows him
that it's the wrong choice.

Oh, okay.

So you decided to go out
and buy Chinese food,

come here and talk me
into doinking him?

No, no, no.

But have you tried
the sweet and sour doinking?
It's excellent.

Look, all I'm asking
is you pretend to seduce him.

When he makes his move,
bam, you tell him Charlie was
right and you just walk away.

Isn't there some other way?

Well, I was gonna send him
half a dozen hookers.

Then I realized that what
he really wants is you.

- I don't know.
- That is a huge compliment.

I'm saying that you have
the power of six hookers.

Aw, thank you.

Hey, douchebag,
where's Charlie?

Douchebag was my father.
You can just call me Bag.

Okay, Bag.

I hate you
and I need my therapist.
Where's Charlie?

He's at the grocery store.

For some reason, he keeps
running out of cereal.

You want some?

No, I'm going through
something serious

and I need
to talk to him.

You can always talk to me.

No, thanks.
He's a therapist.

You're a soulless
bag of crap.

Again, just Bag.

Is this about
your wedding tomorrow?

I can't marry Patrick.

Why not? I thought
there was a million
bucks in it for you.

I know, but I realized
there's someone else
I should marry.

Ah, got it.

Listen, let me finish
my bowl of cereal

and then we'll do it
in Charlie's bed and talk
about our future.

Shut up.
It's the fat guy
from India

that my parents
wanted me to marry.

But they never told me
he got hot and super rich.

Why would they
hurt me like that?

Why don't you just
call off the wedding?

If I do that,

Patrick will be
so mad about losing
out on the money,

he'll tell my parents
we were tricking them
the whole time

and I'll end up
with nothing.

So come up with a sneaky
way for your parents to find
out that Patrick's gay,

pretend to be devastated,and then marry the Indian dude.

That's brilliant.

Thank you.

I am always
here for you.

Hey, you want to knock one
out in the pantry?

You're disgusting.

All right, seriously,
where'd I lose you?

Was it knock one out
or was it pantry?

We can make love
in the pantry.

Well, I'm very
appreciative

of all the things you're
willing to do with me,

to me, and above me
on a swing.

But I'm gonna
have to pass.

Well, your loss.

But here is my number

in case you
change your mind.

Oh, thanks.

Thanks.

Oh, and tell Charlie
good try.

[ coughs ]

Hey, Brett.
Can I get a glass
of chardonnay?

- You by yourself tonight?
- Now I am.

I just got stood up.

I got to find that old man
who started eHarmony

and burn his house
to the ground.

Jennifer?

Oh, my God.

Eugene Alvarez?

Yeah.
Good to see you.

Oh, so what are you
doing in town?

Still with all
that gorgeous hair.

Uh...

well, I got
a new job.

- Oh.
- Yeah. Big company.

Home office
is in Italy.

You look great.

Yeah, thanks.
You do, too.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- Want to know my secret?
- Yeah.

A strict regimen
of wine every day

and not enough sex.

[ laughs ]
Me, too.

Oh, come on.
How does this happen?

Jen, it's the middle
of the day.

Why didn't you
call me back?

How'd it go with
you and Eugene?

I did it.
I broke him.

I don't think he'll be joining
the priesthood anytime soon.

I knew it.
We saved him from a huge
crisis down the road.

You did a really great
thing for that guy.

Oh, I did four
great things
for that guy.

You did-- whoa, whoa.
What are you talking about?

Well, I don't
kiss and tell,

but we had sex,
so what do you
want to know?

You weren't supposed
to sleep with him.

I thought I was
doing you a favor.

I know he was doing
me a favor.

He's a priest.

No, he's not.
You said he was thinking
about being a priest.

Priests don't do
what he did

because they know
God's watching.

Well, God was watching
you last night do a priest.

Oh, my God!

What have I done?
I'm going to hell.

Why did you lie to me?

Because if I told you
the truth, you wouldn't
have done what I wanted.

If that sounds selfish,
there's a reason for that.

It is.

[ phone chimes ]

Hello.

Hey, Charlie, you know
that priest you came in
with last night?

Well, he's down here
drinking pretty heavily

playing grab-ass with
a couple of fallen women.

Habeas mirabilem pectora.

That's the way you say
"you got a great rack"
in Latin.

[ laughing ]

I'll be right down.

Well, congratulations.

You screwed him
right off the God wagon.

Eugene.
What are you doing?

Qué onda, Charlie?

Hey, apropos of nothing.

How many shots
can you take in a half
hour without dying?

One less than
you have in you.

What happened to you?

You were right, Charlie.
I couldn't resist temptation.

I slept with a woman
and broke my vows to God.
[ hiccups ]

Okay, okay, I know
who you slept with

and I've done some
things with her, too,

that may have
offended God.

But you don't have
to sink this low.

Sorry, ladies.

After that wedding tomorrow,

I'm gonna lose the collar
and I'm gonna tear
through this town

like Generalissimo Carranza
tore through Chiapas.

So this guy banged
his way through Chiapas?

I don't know.

But I assume so.

He was a pretty
good-looking guy.

Hey, let's bounce.
Whoo!

Eugene. Eugene.

You have an addictive
personality that's out
of control.

You're better off
being addicted to God.

Way fewer STDs.
Again, sorry, ladies.

I'm not out
of control, okay?

By the way,
can I borrow some money?

I seem to have misplaced
all of my belongings.

One of the warning signs
of being out of control

is not knowing where
all of your belongings are.

And the other sign
is not taking your
good friend seriously.

Bye-bye.

Well, it's too bad
your priest buddy

didn't bring in
a minister and a rabbi

so you could at least get
a joke out of this, huh?

God, I love weddings.

At first I thought you
had some sort of ulterior
motive for taking me.

And then I thought
that's cynical

and that's not who
I want to be.

Yeah, cynicism
is a terrible trait.

Look, I need you
to scam a priest.

What?

All you got to do
is act like

he inspired you
at one of his sermons.

I'm trying to get him
back into the priesthood.

Back?
What did you do?

Nothing. He's the one
who got drunk and had
sex with my ex.

All I did was
set the whole thing up.

I'm here.
What's the problem?

Close the door.

Some giant letters outside.
"Patrick times Lacey."

It's supposed to say
"Patrick plus Lacey,"

but the plus sign
keeps falling on its side.

I need your help
blowing up this wedding.

Easy, get caught having
sex with a white stranger.

I stole Patrick's phone.

He has dirty pictures on here
of him and his boyfriend

which are accidentally
gonna get sent to my parents,

but he changed his password.

- What was the old one?
- Garland.

- As in Judy?
- Yeah.

So I tried Streisand,
Minnelli, Manilow,

Midler, and Cher.

Did you try wreath?

It's the straight
man's garland.

You're such an idiot.

[ gasps ]
It worked.

I'm gonna marry Mahesh.

I knew it.
I heard everything.

You heard nothing.

I knew you were gonna
try to cut me out

the minute I saw
you checking out
that Indian guy

and I told you you need
a mid heel with that dress.

I want to be with Mahesh.

And I want to be
with ma money.

Give me the phone.

I press send

and you don't
get a dime.

You do it and I tell
your family

that I was a shill
in your swindle.

- [ gasps ]
- Sean: Hmm.

Looks like we got
ourselves quite the Canadian
standoff here.

It's called
a Mexican standoff.

You guys don't have guns.

This ain't
"Reservoir Dogs," people.

Padre.

How's the old cabeza
holding up?

A little rough.

I always have to remind myself
not to mix beer and whiskey.

And vodka.
And wine.

And then beer
one more time.

And who is this
lovely lady?

Oh, I'm sorry.
This is my business
colleague Jordan.

Oh, my God.
Father Alvarez.

You're the priest
at my church.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You go to his church?

Yes.

A couple of months ago,
I was in the middle
of a crisis.

Your sermon
changed my life.

True story.

When I met her,
she was a Dumpster-diving

alcoholic prostitute that
slept with homeless dudes.

Yes. Yes, I was.

I fornicated
with the homeless.

That's amazing.
Which sermon was that?

Oh, you know,
it was the one about

keeping the faith
and God and stuff.

So I provided you
with a profound religious
experience?

Oh, yeah.

Which is a clear sign
that you were meant
to be a priest.

No. It's a sign
I want to hang

with this hot
chica caliente.

If you want a real
religious experience,

catch me
after the wedding.

If you tell my parents
we were tricking them,

you lose everything, too.

Hey, I don't mind going
down if I take you with me.

Patrick, please.

Don't you want me
to be happy?

Mahesh is my true love
and soul mate.

What else you got?

I'll steal a bunch of money
from him and give it to you.

300,000.

But I love this man.

275.

I'm sorry,
the wedding is off.

I just remembered
I'm gay.

What?!

I have spent $100,000
on this wedding.

That "Patrick times Lacey"
sign cost me $5,000 alone.

I am terribly sorry
for everything, sir.

Can I have that giant
letter P for my apartment?

I'm looking
to fill a wall.

I'll pick up a poster.
It's fine.

Oh, Mahesh, my wedding
is called off.

I'm a heartbroken victim.
Hold me.

Lacey, I'm so sorry.

I should have followed
my heart in the first place.

From the minute I met you,
I knew it was you
I always loved.

I never knew.

Hey, we have
a Hindu priest here.

- We can get
married right now.
- What?

Our families already
wanted to arrange this.

What do you think,
Money Bear?

Money Bear?

I mean, Honey Bear.

But your wedding
just fell apart.

You must be devastated.

Look, you and I
have something special.

Let's make it official.

My God, it's too soon.

Why the hell not?!

Do you know what
I've been through?

When am I gonna
get what I want?!

I want to get married
to you and we are gonna
do it today.

Okay.

So I'm gonna give
you some time alone.

And let's never
talk again.

Well, you're obviously
not the man

that I made up in my head
that I thought I knew!

Hey, Todd.

Does your dad still own
that trucking company?

Yes? Okay.
Do you want to
get married?

You see, Charlie?

God sprinkled
disaster all around me.

He really doesn't want
me to do this anymore.

Well, maybe that wasn't
Jesus in your tortilla.

Maybe it was
Zach Galifianakis.

I mean, that guy's
in everything these days.

Come on, let's go
get a real drink.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're forgiven.

Did you see that guy?

It was a sign, Charlie.

It was Christ
carrying the cross.
And he forgave me.

No. Really?
You sure?

I can still make
evening services

if I really haul ass.

Hey, drop by church
sometime, my friend.

Yeah, not gonna happen.

All right, pal.
I got your 20 bucks.

Thanks. I only made
10 for loading a P
into some guy's car.

Well, try and forgive him.

He just lost
a half million dollars.