Original subtitles

So, anyway, I guess Patrick's not here

because he's angry I told him

he couldn't come with me to go wedding dress shopping.

Maybe I should have mentioned this earlier, but you guys do know

we're in an anger management therapy group, right?

Maybe I said no because I'm starting to feel guilty

about screwing my parents out of a million dollars

with this whole fake marriage to Patrick thing.

Awesome sharing, Lacey.

You know, you were right. Focusing on chopping up this apple

has allowed me to dropmy defenses and tell the truth.

Now you can put the apple slices of honesty

into the pitcher of healing.

I'm starting to think this is not therapy.

I think we're making you sangria.

That's crazy, Ed.

Now, Nolan, if you'll start slicing up the orange of courage,

I will pour in the brandy of self-forgiveness.

I got attacked by a duck at the park yesterday.

I take back what I said earlier.

You could be a bigger pussy.

He stole my brownie.

And then when I tried to get it back,

he went all quack-ass crazy on me.

Here's your orange.

Okay, now I'm going to add in the wine of...

we're all done.

Oh, wait, look.

We did make sangria.

And maybe even a little bit of progress.

See you all next week.

I need to talk to you.

Hang on.

Almost ready.

Ah. Shoot.

My sister Jessie's coming to town.

I think she wants to apologize for stealing my husband.

Your identical twin, right?

Well, we're not identical anymore.

She dyed her hair and got huge breast implants.

Oh.

Have you considered becoming identical again?

It's not funny.

I don't think that I could ever forgive her

for what she did.

Especially after she had my dream wedding at Disneyland

married by Mickey.

Huh, that's a tough spot you're in.

Now, when you say huge,

are you talking like 38D?

Look, I didn't want to talk to you about this,

but my AA sponsor said that I should talk to a therapist.

Is that sangria? Can I have some?

- You're an alcoholic. - You're right.

I shouldn't put you in that position.

Do me a favor. Take a big drink

and breathe on me.

Sure.

- [ exhales ] - Ah!

Couple more oranges and another splash of brandy

and it'll be perfect.

Wow, you are good.

So my sister and I are getting together tonight

and I just know we are going to get into a fight.

Will you please mediate?

Sure.

Come on over at, like, 38D and we'll straighten it all out.

Did you just say 38D?

No. It's funny that's what you heard.

We'll feel that up tonight.

Honestly, I meant explore.

[ theme music playing ]

God, if I sit down in this dress,

people will see everything.

It's absolutely perfect.

Are you sure it's not too much?

No, I want to look hot.

Haven't you ever been to a wedding?

It's a great place to meet men.

I'm sorry I'm late.

What do you think, Daddy?

- You look like a slut. - Awesome, I'll take it.

No, she won't.

Now close your eyes. I have a surprise for you.

Okay. Is it more money?

It's your sister.

Oh, my God. It's been months.

You look so much older.

And you look so much fatter.

Whore.

Fat whore.

That's enough.

Two words she's never said at the dinner table.

I am not fat.

I need to go to the Armani store.

When I get back, the two of you better have made up.

We do not fight in this family.

We blackmail, we backstab,

we slowly poison, but we do not fight.

So what piece of Eurotrash

has to marry you to stay in the country?

Well, you're gonna be at the wedding,

so you're going to find out anyway.

It's Patrick.

Patrick from your anger management group?

He's gay.

No, he's not. He used to be.

But now he's, like, totally straight

and really into vaginas and stuff.

Right.

[ gasps ]You're just marrying him to getmoney out of Mom and Dad.

No, I'm not. We're in love.

Oh, please. I bet they're giving you half a million dollars.

No, they're not.

[ laughs ] It's a million.

- A million dollars?! - Shh!

Promise you won't tell anyone, okay, little sister?

- Of course I'm not gonna tell anyone. - [ chuckles ]

Because you're gonna buy me that Badgley Mischka bridesmaid dress.

What? That thing costs like $25,000

and you would totally upstage me at my own wedding.

30,000 and I would have done that anyway.

I should have continued slowly poisoning you when we were kids.

What did you say?

I said I should have continued

slowly poisoning you when we were kids.

All right. Jessie and I just had our talk.

She's grabbing some coffee, then the three of us will all sit down.

How'd it go?

She feels awful and wants to get everything off her chest.

Her way-too-big chest?

Look, whether it's way too big or actually perfect

for her frame is not the issue here.

Jessie, come on in. We're all set.

- Hey, Jordy. - Hello, Jessica.

I think Jessie has something to say

and, Jordy, because that's what I'll be calling you from now on,

I ask you to be open.

I can be open.

Maybe not quite as open as your legs with my husband, but open.

Jordy.

I'm listening.

Look, there's nothing I can say

that will make this better.

All I can tell you is that I am truly sorry

and I miss my sister.

I just want to know why you did it.

I think that maybe because

I was jealous of you.

What? No.

Yeah, you got all the smarts

and I was just left with the personality

and the looks.

But we're identical twins.

Oh, come on, you know there's always slight differences.

Everyone always wants to get with me

and you can do...

algebra.

I am pretty, damn it.

Why do you always try to make me feel like I'm not pretty?

Look, I love you, but you have got to admit

that the alcoholism has taken a little bit of a toll.

You've developed kind of a beer bottle mouth.

Okay, that's it.

All right, all right. Come here. Come here.

Enough. Come on. Come here.

Jessie, it was nice to meet you.

I think it would good for Jordan to spend some alone time

and reflect on the apology she's obviously accepted.

See? This is what she was like as a kid.

I will pop your boobs.

She's strong. Go.

You can't hide!

I'm smart. I'll find you!

I know how to triangulate!

You see what I mean? My sister's horrible.

She's a lying slut. I bet she's not even wearing underwear.

How the hell would I know? I wasn't looking.

But she is.

The woman has got no morals.

I bet she's cheating on my ex-husband right now.

She's so low, she would even sleep with you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.I understand that you're angry,

but did you need to say "even"?

I've got a great idea.

I am going to make her suffer in a way

she has never suffered before.

Charlie, I want you to have sex with her.

Okay, now this is getting personal.

No, this is perfect.

You take pictures of you two in bed together,

I'll send them to my ex

and wreck her marriage just like she wrecked mine.

Oh, come on, Jordan. Now you're just talking out of anger.

No, I'm not!

So I'm guessing that's your happy vein

popping out of your forehead?

Okay, okay, okay.

I will call her

and tell her that if she wants to get her sister back,

- she has to make nice. - Fine.

Last time I ask you to do it with a member of my family.

But if you're ever mad at some other

hot woman that needs a good banging, try me.

You'll be pleasantly surprised.

Doubt it.

[ knocking ]

- Hey, Charlie. - Hey.

Thought we were gonna meet in the lobby.

I know, but I really don't want to talk about my sister in public.

I get way too emotional. Come on in.

Oh, okay.

Guess this way I get to check out a suite

at the Sherman Oaks Suites.

Sweet.

I just want you to know

that Jordan has a very twisted perception of me.

Could you help me get these boots off?

- Your boots? - They are killing me.

Okay.

That twisted perception is usually a two-way street.

The good news is that you both started talking.

I know, but you would think a little miss genius psych researcher

would have some more insight into her own sister.

Could you help me get this necklace off?

I can never get it undone.

Oh, okay.

And what type of insight do you think she should have into you?

That I'm a good person.

Not some hypersexual, manipulative nympho.

Could you unzip my dress? I can't--

I can't reach it.

Um, okay.

And why do you think she sees you that way?

I don't know. She's pretty messed up.

Ooh, it's freezing.

Can we keep talking under the covers?

I should be going.

What? I can't hear you with you out of bed like that.

Jessie, I'm sorry. We can't do this.

You're obviously in a power struggle with your sister

and this is just a ploy to gain control.

No, it's not.

It's not?

Oh, okay.

Hi, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid my wedding budget's changed

and I'm gonna have to cancel the ice sculpture

of the two swans kissing.

Do you have anything smaller like two hamsters kissing?

No? Okay, you guys suck.

- [ knocks ] - It's open.

- Hey, Lacey. - Hey. What are you doing here?

Just dropping off Patrick's dry cleaning.

He pays you to do his errands?

Half of that's right.

How long have you been doing this?

Ever since you moved in. But you haven't noticed

because you're usually in the shower.

Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

I had to take $30,000 out of my wedding budget

to buy my sister a dress

so she wouldn't tell my parentswhat Patrick and I are doing.

$30,000 for a dress? Does it come with a pool?

Right? And that's just the beginning.

God knows what else that greedy little brat is gonna want.

And now I have to return these and wear these.

What's the difference?

These are $3,000 more because the bottoms are red.

Well, if she's gonna blackmail you,

shouldn't you fight fire with fire?

Perfect.

We'll set her on fire.

No, you've got to blackmail her back.

Hasn't she done some bad thing

that she wouldn't want your parents to know about?

Like dirty videos or something?

Hopefully.

Oh, my God. That's brilliant.

I think she does.

Then we'll set her on fire.

How'd it go with my sister last night?

Were you able to turn her around?

Couple of times.

Remember that thing you asked me to do yesterday?

About sleeping with your sisterand then taking pictures?

Thank you for talking me out of that.

Huh.

That was the stupidest thing I have ever said.

No, no, no. It wasn't stupid at all.

You were hurt and you wanted revenge.

You know what they say about revenge.

It's very healthy.

Don't try to make me feel better.

What I asked you to do came from anger.

Thank God you were the mature one, Charlie.

I'm very impressed with you.

Don't be so impressed with me.

I am still capable of acts

of such poor judgment, it would blow your mind.

I was totally wrong.

If you had done that, I would have been devastated.

There is no way that I would have ever been able

to talk to you again if you had had sex with my sister.

- Jordan. - Huh?

Is that fresh coffee? 'Cause that smells delicious.

- [ knocks ] - Coming.

- Hey, sis. - What do you want?

I was busy planning your bachelorette party.

You were? For me?

Uh-huh. It's next week in Vegas.

But I'm only inviting my friends and you're not coming.

Oh, and I rented a jet and you're paying for it.

What if I say no?

Then I'm gonna go tell Dad

the only thing his future son-in-law

finds attractive about you is your sideburns.

Well, I guess I have no choice

because you have all the power

except for... screw you!

You're gonna buy me a scarf from Neiman Marcus?

Wrong screen. Let me just bookmark this

so I can buy it later.

No, I'm gonna show our parents this.

[ music playing ]

You just sit there

and I'm gonna give you the show of your life.

Sexy girl.

Sexy twerking sex.

So sad.

Sexy. Sexy girl.

[ screams ]

I'm gonna need some help

taking off my pants.

Oh, he helps you with your pants

and then he helps you with everything else.

Where did you get that?

From the folder on your desktop

called "tax receipts."

And if you don't want people looking,

don't put it next to the folder titled "actual tax receipts."

If I sink this short putt,

I will win the first annual Goodson-Healey

Indoor Golf Classic and you will not.

Good luck.

[ exhales ]

I banged Jordan's twin sister.

Yes. I am the champion.

So you banged the twin

that stole Jordan's husband?

Well, ethically, that's-- okay, well, how was it?

Picture you're having sex with Jordan

and then Jordan leaves

and her twin sister comes in who actually likes sex.

Oh, please. Are you trying to tell me

that if you had the chance,you wouldn't sleep with Jordan?

There's not enough vodka in the-- Russia.

Well, you know if Jordan finds out,

that's gonna start a nuclear chick chain reaction, right?

No, no, no. Luckily they still hate each other

and they're never gonna talk again.

Oh, that's terrific.

[ phone rings ]

Hello?

That sounds great.

Absolutely. Okay. I'll see you then.

- Who was that? - It was Jordan.

She texted her sister.

They're coming over tomorrow to talk.

That's a shame.

Listen, I don't want you to worry about it. You know why?

Next year I'm gonna be hosting the Charlie Goodson

Memorial Indoor Golf Classic in your honor.

[ sighs ] You know what the trophy is gonna be, right?

- What's that? - A statue of you

unable to keep it in your pants.

As long as my genitals are reproduced to scale, then I'm okay with that.

Well, she's late as usual.

This is so typical of my sister.

I was born right on time.

Then she was born three hours later

with an umbilical cord wrapped around her neck.

"Look at me, my face is blue."

You try calling her?

I did, but her phone is always dead.

Dead?

What if somebody from, I don't know,

work left her a message about something important?

Like what she shouldn't say in a meeting.

She works at the makeup counter at Macy's.

Makeup people have meetings.

Is red in? Is blue in? Who knows without a meeting?

Sorry I'm late.

Somebody thought I was one of the famous people from "Celebrity Rehab"

and bought me a drink.

Before we start, I thought we should take a moment

to use the bathroom or check any messages on our phones.

I can't. My phone's dead.

I have a charger.

Let's do this. Let's get everything out on the table.

Not everything.

The new school of thought is to write down

what you want to say in a journal and then burn it.

I want to talk about what Jessie did the other day.

No, I don't want to talk about anything that Jessie's done since she's been here.

People, places, things,

people.

Then what are we gonna talk about?

Getting drunk all day with strangers who think you're Gary Busey?

- Well, if you-- - All right, all right.

Let's all just settle down.

Now I want you both to find a moment in your past

when you actually loved each other.

Both: Our eighth birthday.

- You remember that? - Of course.

We both had the chicken pox and Mom had to cancel our party.

We stayed up all night

prank calling Beth Randall.

- And Susie Cohen. - I hated those girls.

This is perfect. Let your hatred of others

bring you two together. Now give each other a hug.

I miss you, Jordy.

I miss you, too, Jessie-wessy.

Jessie-wessy?

It's based on the fact that her name is Jessie and it rhymes.

So, okay. We're done here.

You're cured. Go home.

Wait, before we do that, I'm feeling guilty about something

and I need to get it off my chest.

I slept with someone you don't know about.

Okay, okay, guys, guys. I am the therapist here

and I'm telling you that nothing ruins a relationship

like communication.

I had sex with Bob Tway.

My high school boyfriend?

That's okay.

Thank you for being honest.

Okay, everybody loves each other. Let's wrap it up.

There's somebody else.

You know who I hate?

Susie Cohen.

Let's prank call her right now.

- David Sapienza. - My college boyfriend?

I am so sorry.

- Oh, and there is also-- - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's close up Pandora's box

before something else flies out that we cannot kill.

I should be heading to the airport anyway.

I'll call you.

Okay, great. Bye-bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

You're very lucky, Jordan.

That could have gone horribly wrong.

Thanks for your help.

This couldn't have happened without you.

And I slept with Charlie. Sorry. Love you.

You were right.

Your sister's a bitch.