All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E49.Charlie.and.the.Twins.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

So, anyway, I guess
Patrick's not here

because he's angry
I told him

he couldn't come with me
to go wedding dress shopping.

Maybe I should have
mentioned this earlier,
but you guys do know

we're in an anger management
therapy group, right?

Maybe I said no because I'm
starting to feel guilty

about screwing my parents
out of a million dollars

with this whole fake marriage
to Patrick thing.

Awesome sharing, Lacey.

You know, you were right.
Focusing on chopping up
this apple

has allowed me to dropmy defenses and tell the truth.

Now you can put
the apple slices of honesty

into the pitcher
of healing.

I'm starting to think
this is not therapy.

I think we're making
you sangria.

That's crazy, Ed.

Now, Nolan,
if you'll start slicing up
the orange of courage,

I will pour in the brandy
of self-forgiveness.

I got attacked by a duck
at the park yesterday.

I take back
what I said earlier.

You could be
a bigger pussy.

He stole my brownie.

And then when I tried
to get it back,

he went all
quack-ass crazy on me.

Here's your orange.

Okay, now I'm going
to add in the wine of...

we're all done.

Oh, wait, look.

We did make sangria.

And maybe even
a little bit of progress.

See you all next week.

I need to talk to you.

Hang on.

Almost ready.

Ah. Shoot.

My sister Jessie's
coming to town.

I think she wants to apologize
for stealing my husband.

Your identical twin, right?

Well, we're not
identical anymore.

She dyed her hair
and got huge breast implants.

Oh.

Have you considered
becoming identical again?

It's not funny.

I don't think that I could
ever forgive her

for what she did.

Especially after she
had my dream wedding
at Disneyland

married by Mickey.

Huh, that's a tough
spot you're in.

Now, when you say huge,

are you talking
like 38D?

Look, I didn't want
to talk to you about this,

but my AA sponsor
said that I should talk
to a therapist.

Is that sangria?
Can I have some?

- You're an alcoholic.
- You're right.

I shouldn't put you
in that position.

Do me a favor.
Take a big drink

and breathe on me.

Sure.

- [ exhales ]
- Ah!

Couple more oranges
and another splash of brandy

and it'll be perfect.

Wow, you are good.

So my sister
and I are getting
together tonight

and I just know we are
going to get into a fight.

Will you please mediate?

Sure.

Come on over at,
like, 38D and we'll
straighten it all out.

Did you just say 38D?

No. It's funny
that's what you heard.

We'll feel that
up tonight.

Honestly, I meant explore.

[ theme music playing ]

God, if I sit down
in this dress,

people will see everything.

It's absolutely perfect.

Are you sure
it's not too much?

No, I want to look hot.

Haven't you ever been
to a wedding?

It's a great place
to meet men.

I'm sorry I'm late.

What do you think, Daddy?

- You look like a slut.
- Awesome, I'll take it.

No, she won't.

Now close your eyes.
I have a surprise for you.

Okay.
Is it more money?

It's your sister.

Oh, my God.
It's been months.

You look so much older.

And you look
so much fatter.

Whore.

Fat whore.

That's enough.

Two words she's never
said at the dinner table.

I am not fat.

I need to go
to the Armani store.

When I get back,
the two of you better
have made up.

We do not fight
in this family.

We blackmail,
we backstab,

we slowly poison,
but we do not fight.

So what piece
of Eurotrash

has to marry you
to stay in the country?

Well, you're gonna
be at the wedding,

so you're going
to find out anyway.

It's Patrick.

Patrick from your
anger management group?

He's gay.

No, he's not.
He used to be.

But now he's, like,
totally straight

and really into vaginas
and stuff.

Right.

[ gasps ]You're just marrying him to getmoney out of Mom and Dad.

No, I'm not.
We're in love.

Oh, please.
I bet they're giving you
half a million dollars.

No, they're not.

[ laughs ]
It's a million.

- A million dollars?!
- Shh!

Promise you won't tell
anyone, okay, little sister?

- Of course I'm not
gonna tell anyone.
- [ chuckles ]

Because you're gonna buy
me that Badgley Mischka
bridesmaid dress.

What? That thing
costs like $25,000

and you would totally
upstage me at my own wedding.

30,000 and I would have
done that anyway.

I should have continued
slowly poisoning you
when we were kids.

What did you say?

I said I should
have continued

slowly poisoning you
when we were kids.

All right.
Jessie and I
just had our talk.

She's grabbing some
coffee, then the three
of us will all sit down.

How'd it go?

She feels awful
and wants to get
everything off her chest.

Her way-too-big chest?

Look, whether it's way
too big or actually perfect

for her frame
is not the issue here.

Jessie, come on in.
We're all set.

- Hey, Jordy.
- Hello, Jessica.

I think Jessie
has something to say

and, Jordy, because that's
what I'll be calling
you from now on,

I ask you to be open.

I can be open.

Maybe not quite
as open as your legs
with my husband, but open.

Jordy.

I'm listening.

Look, there's nothing
I can say

that will make this better.

All I can tell you
is that I am truly sorry

and I miss my sister.

I just want to know
why you did it.

I think that maybe because

I was jealous of you.

What? No.

Yeah, you got
all the smarts

and I was just left
with the personality

and the looks.

But we're identical twins.

Oh, come on,
you know there's always
slight differences.

Everyone always wants
to get with me

and you can do...

algebra.

I am pretty, damn it.

Why do you always try to make
me feel like I'm not pretty?

Look, I love you,
but you have got to admit

that the alcoholism
has taken a little bit
of a toll.

You've developed
kind of a beer bottle mouth.

Okay, that's it.

All right, all right.
Come here. Come here.

Enough. Come on.
Come here.

Jessie, it was
nice to meet you.

I think it would good
for Jordan to spend
some alone time

and reflect on the apology
she's obviously accepted.

See? This is what
she was like as a kid.

I will pop your boobs.

She's strong. Go.

You can't hide!

I'm smart.
I'll find you!

I know how
to triangulate!

You see what I mean?
My sister's horrible.

She's a lying slut.
I bet she's not even
wearing underwear.

How the hell would I know?
I wasn't looking.

But she is.

The woman has got
no morals.

I bet she's cheating
on my ex-husband right now.

She's so low,
she would even sleep
with you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.I understand that you're angry,

but did you need
to say "even"?

I've got a great idea.

I am going to make her
suffer in a way

she has never
suffered before.

Charlie, I want you
to have sex with her.

Okay, now this is
getting personal.

No, this is perfect.

You take pictures
of you two in bed together,

I'll send them
to my ex

and wreck her marriage
just like she wrecked mine.

Oh, come on, Jordan.
Now you're just talking
out of anger.

No, I'm not!

So I'm guessing
that's your happy vein

popping out
of your forehead?

Okay, okay, okay.

I will call her

and tell her that if she wants
to get her sister back,

- she has to make nice.
- Fine.

Last time I ask you
to do it with a member
of my family.

But if you're ever mad
at some other

hot woman that needs
a good banging, try me.

You'll be
pleasantly surprised.

Doubt it.

[ knocking ]

- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey.

Thought we were
gonna meet in the lobby.

I know, but I really
don't want to talk about
my sister in public.

I get way too emotional.
Come on in.

Oh, okay.

Guess this way I get
to check out a suite

at the Sherman Oaks Suites.

Sweet.

I just want you to know

that Jordan has a very
twisted perception of me.

Could you help me
get these boots off?

- Your boots?
- They are killing me.

Okay.

That twisted perception
is usually a two-way street.

The good news is that
you both started talking.

I know, but you would
think a little miss genius
psych researcher

would have some more insight
into her own sister.

Could you help me
get this necklace off?

I can never
get it undone.

Oh, okay.

And what type of insight
do you think she should
have into you?

That I'm a good person.

Not some hypersexual,
manipulative nympho.

Could you unzip my dress?
I can't--

I can't reach it.

Um, okay.

And why do you think
she sees you that way?

I don't know.
She's pretty messed up.

Ooh, it's freezing.

Can we keep talking
under the covers?

I should be going.

What? I can't hear you
with you out of bed like that.

Jessie, I'm sorry.
We can't do this.

You're obviously in a power
struggle with your sister

and this is just
a ploy to gain control.

No, it's not.

It's not?

Oh, okay.

Hi, I'm sorry,
but I'm afraid my wedding
budget's changed

and I'm gonna have
to cancel the ice sculpture

of the two swans kissing.

Do you have anything smaller
like two hamsters kissing?

No?
Okay, you guys suck.

- [ knocks ]
- It's open.

- Hey, Lacey.
- Hey. What are you
doing here?

Just dropping off
Patrick's dry cleaning.

He pays you
to do his errands?

Half of that's right.

How long have you
been doing this?

Ever since you moved in.
But you haven't noticed

because you're usually
in the shower.

Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

I had to take $30,000
out of my wedding budget

to buy my sister a dress

so she wouldn't tell my parentswhat Patrick and I are doing.

$30,000 for a dress?
Does it come with a pool?

Right? And that's
just the beginning.

God knows what else
that greedy little brat
is gonna want.

And now I have to return
these and wear these.

What's the difference?

These are $3,000 more
because the bottoms are red.

Well, if she's gonna
blackmail you,

shouldn't you fight
fire with fire?

Perfect.

We'll set her
on fire.

No, you've got to
blackmail her back.

Hasn't she done
some bad thing

that she wouldn't want
your parents to know about?

Like dirty videos
or something?

Hopefully.

Oh, my God.
That's brilliant.

I think she does.

Then we'll set her
on fire.

How'd it go
with my sister last night?

Were you able
to turn her around?

Couple of times.

Remember that thing
you asked me to do yesterday?

About sleeping with your sisterand then taking pictures?

Thank you for talking
me out of that.

Huh.

That was the stupidest thing
I have ever said.

No, no, no.
It wasn't stupid at all.

You were hurt
and you wanted revenge.

You know what they say
about revenge.

It's very healthy.

Don't try to make me
feel better.

What I asked you to do
came from anger.

Thank God you were
the mature one, Charlie.

I'm very impressed
with you.

Don't be so impressed
with me.

I am still capable of acts

of such poor judgment,
it would blow your mind.

I was totally wrong.

If you had done that,
I would have been devastated.

There is no way that
I would have ever been able

to talk to you
again if you had
had sex with my sister.

- Jordan.
- Huh?

Is that fresh coffee?
'Cause that smells delicious.

- [ knocks ]
- Coming.

- Hey, sis.
- What do you want?

I was busy planning
your bachelorette party.

You were?
For me?

Uh-huh.
It's next week in Vegas.

But I'm only
inviting my friends
and you're not coming.

Oh, and I rented a jet
and you're paying for it.

What if I say no?

Then I'm gonna
go tell Dad

the only thing
his future son-in-law

finds attractive about you
is your sideburns.

Well, I guess
I have no choice

because you have
all the power

except for...
screw you!

You're gonna buy me
a scarf from Neiman Marcus?

Wrong screen.
Let me just bookmark this

so I can buy it later.

No, I'm gonna show
our parents this.

[ music playing ]

You just sit there

and I'm gonna give you
the show of your life.

Sexy girl.

Sexy twerking sex.

So sad.

Sexy.
Sexy girl.

[ screams ]

I'm gonna need some help

taking off my pants.

Oh, he helps you
with your pants

and then he helps
you with everything else.

Where did you get that?

From the folder
on your desktop

called "tax receipts."

And if you don't want
people looking,

don't put it next
to the folder titled
"actual tax receipts."

If I sink this short putt,

I will win the first
annual Goodson-Healey

Indoor Golf Classic
and you will not.

Good luck.

[ exhales ]

I banged Jordan's
twin sister.

Yes.
I am the champion.

So you banged the twin

that stole
Jordan's husband?

Well, ethically, that's--
okay, well, how was it?

Picture you're having sex
with Jordan

and then Jordan leaves

and her twin sister
comes in who actually
likes sex.

Oh, please.
Are you trying to tell me

that if you had the chance,you wouldn't sleep with Jordan?

There's not enough vodka
in the-- Russia.

Well, you know
if Jordan finds out,

that's gonna
start a nuclear chick
chain reaction, right?

No, no, no.
Luckily they still
hate each other

and they're never
gonna talk again.

Oh, that's terrific.

[ phone rings ]

Hello?

That sounds great.

Absolutely. Okay.
I'll see you then.

- Who was that?
- It was Jordan.

She texted her sister.

They're coming over
tomorrow to talk.

That's a shame.

Listen, I don't want
you to worry about it.
You know why?

Next year I'm gonna be hosting
the Charlie Goodson

Memorial Indoor Golf
Classic in your honor.

[ sighs ]
You know what the trophy
is gonna be, right?

- What's that?
- A statue of you

unable to keep it
in your pants.

As long as my genitals
are reproduced to scale,
then I'm okay with that.

Well, she's late
as usual.

This is so typical
of my sister.

I was born right on time.

Then she was born
three hours later

with an umbilical cord
wrapped around her neck.

"Look at me,
my face is blue."

You try calling her?

I did, but her phone
is always dead.

Dead?

What if somebody from,
I don't know,

work left her a message
about something important?

Like what she shouldn't
say in a meeting.

She works at the makeup
counter at Macy's.

Makeup people
have meetings.

Is red in? Is blue in?
Who knows without a meeting?

Sorry I'm late.

Somebody thought I was
one of the famous people
from "Celebrity Rehab"

and bought me a drink.

Before we start,
I thought we should
take a moment

to use the bathroom
or check any messages
on our phones.

I can't.
My phone's dead.

I have a charger.

Let's do this.
Let's get everything
out on the table.

Not everything.

The new school of thought
is to write down

what you want to say in
a journal and then burn it.

I want to talk about
what Jessie did the other day.

No, I don't want to talk
about anything that Jessie's
done since she's been here.

People, places, things,

people.

Then what are we
gonna talk about?

Getting drunk all day
with strangers who think
you're Gary Busey?

- Well, if you--
- All right, all right.

Let's all
just settle down.

Now I want you both to find
a moment in your past

when you actually
loved each other.

Both:
Our eighth birthday.

- You remember that?
- Of course.

We both had
the chicken pox and Mom
had to cancel our party.

We stayed up all night

prank calling
Beth Randall.

- And Susie Cohen.
- I hated those girls.

This is perfect.
Let your hatred of others

bring you two together.
Now give each other a hug.

I miss you, Jordy.

I miss you, too,
Jessie-wessy.

Jessie-wessy?

It's based on
the fact that her name
is Jessie and it rhymes.

So, okay. We're
done here.

You're cured.
Go home.

Wait, before we do that,
I'm feeling guilty
about something

and I need to get it
off my chest.

I slept with someone
you don't know about.

Okay, okay, guys, guys.
I am the therapist here

and I'm telling you
that nothing ruins
a relationship

like communication.

I had sex
with Bob Tway.

My high school boyfriend?

That's okay.

Thank you
for being honest.

Okay, everybody
loves each other.
Let's wrap it up.

There's somebody else.

You know who I hate?

Susie Cohen.

Let's prank call her
right now.

- David Sapienza.
- My college boyfriend?

I am so sorry.

- Oh, and there is also--
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's close up
Pandora's box

before something else flies
out that we cannot kill.

I should be heading
to the airport anyway.

I'll call you.

Okay, great.
Bye-bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

You're very lucky, Jordan.

That could have gone
horribly wrong.

Thanks for your help.

This couldn't have happened
without you.

And I slept with Charlie.
Sorry. Love you.

You were right.

Your sister's a bitch.