All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E48.Charlie.Sets.Jordan.Up.with.a.Serial.Killer.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

Can someone please
explain to me

how this thing that Patrick
and Lacey are doing

is not a crime?

Who should I pick
to answer that question?

Oh, I know.

If you spin that wheel
one more time and it
lands on me...

God!

Patrick, would you
please explain to Ed

how your fake marriage
to scam Lacey's parents

out of $1 million
is not a crime?

It is not a fake marriage.
We're really getting married.

It's just we can't stand
each other and we're never
gonna have sex.

Anyone?

Sounds like a real
marriage to me.

Pretty good, huh?
I get a free spin.

Ed.

I think they're a couple
of damn con artists

scamming her folks
the way they are.

My parents were forcing me
into an arranged marriage,

so I'm marrying Patrick
to get out of it.

If they want to give me
a million-dollar wedding gift,

- I'm not gonna turn it down.
- So you're scamming them.

Yeah, we're
probably scamming them.
What do you think, Patrick?

Yeah, we're definitely
scamming them.

I just want to issue
my standard disclaimer

that when felonies
are discussed in here,

just because I'm listening
does not make me an accessory.

Speaking of accessories,

my parents gave me
an extra $100,000

to throw
the actual wedding

that I would much rather
spend on accessories.

$100,000?

That's like $30,000.

Boy, did you eat the whole bowl
of stupid this morning?

I just want some attention.

My name never comes up
on that wheel.

It drives me crazy
that I have this $100,000

that I want
to spend on me,

but I have to waste it
on a dumb wedding

that everybody's
gonna enjoy.

Anybody have
any suggestions

on how Lacey can deal
with these frustrations?

And please
do not recommend

that she fly to Vegas
and try to double the money.

Oh, my God.
That's a great idea.

No, no, no.
That is a terrible idea.

Let's go tonight.

- Don't go at all.
- Should we fly or drive?

- Neither.
- Let's fly.

Okay.

Well, awesome session,
everyone.

Just so you know,
there will be a childhood
trauma slot on the wheel,

so start working on those
recovered memories.

When I was seven,
a clown touched me
at the circus.

Next week, Nolan.

Jordan?

All right, Charlie,
I'm ready to go to prison.

Is it for a specific crime
or has society become fed up
with you in general?

I'm observing your prison
group today, remember?

I thought about it
and I don't think
you should go.

What? You said I could.

I told you
I'm thinking about becoming
a criminal psychologist,

so I need
to observe criminals.

You got 'em,
so quit hogging 'em.

Sweetie, it's just that
prison is no place

for someone as...
squeamish as you.

I'm a big girl
and I can take it.

All right.
All right. Fine.

But I'm only letting
you come because you're
really annoying

and there's a good chance
that something might
happen to you.

[ theme music playing ]

Okay, Ernesto,
it's your turn.

Why don't you show us
your list of the top three
things that make you angry?

Not until she shows me
the top three things
that make me happy.

Oh, my.

I apologize for my colleague's
uncivil tongue, Dr. Denby.

Thank you, Wayne.

I'll accept his apology
on your behalf, Ernesto.

Thank you.
Hey, you want to see
my uncivil tongue?

That's enough.

Now I know that you've all
been in here for so long

that Jordan looks
attractive to you.

I'm sorry.
That's not what I meant.

It's a little
what I meant.

Charlie, stop teasing her.

I think
she's a beautiful woman.

- Thank you, Cleo.
- Oh, you're very welcome.

And I just have
one question for you.

Can I have your hair?

Not all of it.

Just enough to make an updo
for when I entertain.

- Um...
- I would say no.

No.

Okay, before we go,

Wayne, you mentioned last time
that there was an inmate

you were having trouble
getting along with.

Yeah, he was making fun
of the way I talk.

So after I got his attention
in the laundry room

by accidentally
steam-pressing his face,

I politely reminded him
this is how people from
Nashville speak.

Oh, my God.
You're from Nashville?

- Me, too.
- Where'd you go
to high school?

- McKinley.
- No kidding.

My first kidnapping
was a McKinley graduate.

No way.

You're the guy that
kidnapped Clea Lambert.

I hated her.
Why'd you have to let her go?

You hated her?

Try spending three days
in five different cars

with her waiting for a ransom
to be delivered.

Yeah, it must have been
a real trauma for you, Wayne.

But he was very nice.
He never hurt her.

And he let her go
at Fillmore's ice cream shop.

Yeah, like that girl
needed any more ice cream.

Wait a second.

You weren't the guy that
stabbed Fillmore, were you?

Hey, in my defense,
I wanted a second taste
of cookies and cream

and he would not
give it to me.

Wayne, don't you know they
only have a one-taste limit?

I did not know that.

I have a letter to write.

All right,
let's call it a day.

See you all next week.

Charlie, can I speak
to you for a minute

in my cell
before you leave
in private?

Sure.
Jordan, I'll see
you at the car.

I just wanted to say
I've never done anything
like this before

and you all
were delightful.

And I am sorry
about my uncivil tongue.

Don't worry about it.

You want to see
my uncivil wiener?

I would say no.

I'll just be
a minute, Wayne.

Taser check.

Kettles, what the hell?

Well, don't startle
me like that.

What's on your mind,
Wayne?

They want to transfer me
to a prison in Texas.

Only problem is
there are many evildoers

at that prison
that wish me dead.

What do they have
against you?

If I told you that,
I'd have to kill you.

Well, then let's move on.

Get the Taser ready.

Anyway, State of California
is very clear.

They won't
transfer a prisoner

if there is any
undue hardship on a family
member or loved one.

Are you asking me to pretend
to be your life partner?

'Cause I'm sorry, Wayne,
but I am really into women.

They can be a little mannish,
but they still have to have
all the stuff.

No, what I need
is a pretend female fiancée.

I was thinking maybe you could
ask Dr. Denby for me.

Jordan?

Wayne, I'd love to help
with this arrangement--

in fact, if it
were a reality show,
I would watch--

but I'm sorry,
I can't be a part of this.

Let me sweeten the pot.

I've been approached by
a number of publishing houses

who are ready to pay
handsomely for the story
of my life.

Now, I can't
write this book,

but I can certainly pick
the man who does.

They're willing to pay
someone seven figures

to write an intimate portrait
of the Austin Mangler?

I hate that nickname.
Austin Mangler.

People get me confused
with the Boston Strangler.

And his strangling
was shoddy at best.

Wow, that is a lot of money.

Yup. You could
invest it responsibly
in a mutual fund

or put it away
for your daughter's
college education.

Or I could buy
a sweet party RV

that tows two
Jet Skis and a bar.

And I am sure that Jordan
would want that for me, too.

Sorry I'm late.

I knew you'd make it.
You're an alcoholic.

Finding a bar
is like your superpower.

Here's your beer, Charlie.

And he ordered
a Shirley Temple for you.

I'm sober, Charlie,
not five years old.

Do you want
some extra cherries?

Yay! Fun!
Yes, please.

Don't do that again
or I'll squeeze a lime
in your eye.

You know,
I am so proud of you.

You handled yourself very well
with those prisoners today.

You are gonna make
one hell of a criminal
psychologist.

Oh, no, you're being
nice to me.

What do you want?
Money?

I'm paying for
this dinner, aren't I?

No, of course not.
I just think that the best
thing for you

would be to spend
some one-on-one time
with a convict.

Oh, my God,
that would be great.
Thank you.

It is just so hard
to get access.

You know what?
I just got a great idea.

What if you pretend
to be engaged to Wayne?

What? I can't be engaged
to a convict.

Come on, think about it.
What better way

to get an in-depth view
into the mind of a sociopath?

I get that
from working with you.

Oh, come on, Jordan.
It would just be for
a couple of months.

And I want a party RV.

What?

Okay, I'm sorry.
That came out all wrong.

Let me be very clear.

I needa party RV.

I knew you couldn't
just be nice.

My mom said,
"Maybe he's just being nice."

And I said,
"There's no way."

And she said,
"Give him a chance."
And I said, "Fine."

And then my dad got
on the other line--

I get it! I get it!

Wayne needs to pretend
that he's got a fiancée

or they're gonna
ship him off to Texas.

And if I can help,

he's gonna let me
write a book about him
that would make a fortune.

Fine. As long as we get
to write the book together

- and I get half the money.
- Half?

And half the rights
of anything else that follows--

movies, TV,
Broadway shows.

Don't forget the action
figure-- GI Wayne.

Now with
super stabbing action.

I guess
all I have to do now

is get to know Wayne
well enough to fool the board.

I hope I can
pull this off.

Sure, you can.

You're a great liar.

You lied this morning
when you left the house

and told yourself
that dress looked good.

Hey, Charlie.
It's Patrick.

I'm just leaving you
a message to let you know

we're still in Vegas,
the room is nice,

and, oh, yeah,
you were wrong.

I doubled the money.
$200,000!

- In your--
- [ phone beeps ]

Crap, I lost the call.

Hey, Charlie.
It's Patrick.

Face!

It's gone!
It's all gone!

- What's gone?
- The money.

No, it's not.
It's in the safe
in the closet.

Oh, my God!
Where's the money?

It's gone!
It's all gone!

$200,000 is gone?
What the hell happened?

When you were
getting a massage,

I grabbed $100
to go play roulette.

But I lost it, so I used
the rest of the money

to try to get it back
so you wouldn't get mad.

Well, I'm mad!

So it didn't work,

but at least I tried.

How-- how could you
let this happen?

Hey, do not blame me.

If you hadn't gotten that
stupid two-hour massage,

none of this
would have happened.

I only did it because
I thought I was rich.

We're screwed.

Your parents
are gonna kill us.

Okay.

We're just gonna have
to downsize the wedding.

Oh, great idea.
I'm sure no one will
ask any questions

when our Evite says
that we're holding it

in the banquet room
of a Sizzler.

What are we gonna do?

We're gonna do the same
thing we always do.

Get drunk and watch
"Fashion Place"?

I don't see how
that's gonna help.

No, we're going to lie.

To my parents?

Haven't we lied
enough to them?

Apparently not.

Okay.

So far the answers
to your questions

verify that you two
have spent enough time
with each other

to conceivably
be engaged.

Just a couple more
and we'll wrap this up.

Dr. Denby, is your fiancée
left-handed or right-handed?

Well, according to
the stories he's told me,
he's ambidextrous.

He shoots with his left,
stabs with his right,

strangles with both.

She's my girl.
[ imitates gunshot ]

I mean...
[ imitates gunshot ]

One last question,
Dr. Denby.

How do you justify
marrying a convict?

Well, we do come from
the same part of the world.

And I didn't expect
this to happen,

but I love him.

Even though
he has committed

multiple murders
in numerous states?

Well, I'm not saying
he's not a fixer-upper.

But Mom always said
you got to mold a man.

Well, I'm satisfied.

Mr. Earl, as our
wedding gift to you,

the California penal
system will allow you

to stay in
your current 6x9 cell
for the next 200 years.

Oh, thank you.

That is a relief.

So, what happened?

She was a real
champ, Charlie.
She saved me.

For the 12th time
in my life,

I think I'm in love.

Okay, Wayne.
We'll be in touch
about the book.

I knew you loved me.

Don't worry,
we will be together.

What did he say?
Was it about the book?

He said,
"We will be together."

But, like, with him driving
and me in the trunk.

I should tell the board
that this was all a lie.

But then there won't be
any book 'cause they'll
ship him off to Texas.

I know, and I'll feel
much better.

You know what will make you
feel even better than that?

A new Jet Ski
with cherries all over it.

Yay. Fun.

So where were you
when they broke in?

I was getting gifts
for you

to show our appreciation
for the wedding.

So let me understand.

You cashed the check
and brought all that money
back to the house?

The bank said the money
would be safer here

because they've had
so many bank robberies.

So where did you keep
all this money?

In Patrick's suitcase
in the closet.

We might as well
have just thrown all
the money away in Vegas.

[ chuckles ]

You're expecting us
to write you another
check for $100,000?

- Yeah, that'd be great.
- Thank you, Daddy.

Fine.

I'll have my accountant
take care of it.

We're just happy
that you're safe.

- Let's go, Mira.
- Bye-bye, darling.

By the way,
next time you stage
a robbery,

you might want to scuff up
a door or a window

to make it look like
someone was actually
trying to get in here.

- Okay, Daddy, we will.
- Kisses.

Jordan, I'm telling you
he's not gonna do
anything to you.

You're blowing this
way out of proportion.

I have been listening
to you for five hours

and I still
don't feel better.

I'm calling the board.

To tell them what?
That you lied?

Wayne will get killed
in a Texas jail.

You don't care about that.

You're just worried about
losing your cool book deal
and your stupid RV.

Hey, hey, I can care
about a lot of things
at the same time.

I am an emotional
multitasker.

Then why can't you
care about the fact

that this guy
gives me the creeps?

A lot of people
give people the creeps.

For instance, there's
a really creepy guy who
works at my liquor store,

but that doesn't stop me
from going in there
four times a week.

Here's my best argument.

Even if this guy
is obsessed with you,

you have nothing
to be afraid of.

You saw how
he was chained up.

And he lives behind
20-foot concrete walls.

You're right.

I'm probably
just being silly.

Sweetie, you have
nothing to worry about.

Hey.

Hello.

Who are you?

I'm a friend of Charlie's.
Who are you?

I live next door.
How come I haven't
seen you around?

I don't get out much.

Well, how do I know that
you're actually his friend?

Well, how do I know you're
not some serial killer?

That's a good point.

Ooh, SpaghettiOs.

Is there another can
of those in here?

I think so.
I know there's a can
of ravioli left.

Sweet!
It's my lucky day.

You don't know
how lucky.

Hey, wait a second.
Aren't those Charlie's
clothes?

Yeah.

That's cool.
This is his shirt, too.

Thanks so much for letting me
stay in your guest room.

I guess I'm just
still a little spooked.

Oh, it's all right.
But no matter how
scared you are,

do not sneak into my room
in the middle of the night
and start humping me.

What?

Hey, your words,
not mine.

I'm just glad
you changed your mind.

And you'll see.
Everything's gonna
work out just fine.

I don't know why
I'm so worried.

I mean, the guy's
behind bars.

- So who are we talking about?
- [ both scream ]

- Wayne.
- I didn't mean to startle
you, my precious flower.

So, Wayne, it's...

kind of funny
you're here.

Last time we saw you,
you were in a maximum
security prison.

Yeah, I remember that.

What happened to that?

When you turned to me
and told me you loved me,

it sounded like
you really meant it.

Did it?

Charlie, did it
sound like that?

I don't know.
I wasn't in the room.

Okay, thanks.

Jordan, when a man
is in love,

he has a winged heart
that can soar over these
earthly confinements.

So I hid in the bottom
of a garbage truck.

Wayne, I've got
to ask,

what are you hoping
to accomplish with this?

You must be the center
of a huge manhunt.

That is why
my fiancée and I

need to get out of here

and find ourselves
a hiding spot.

Fiancée.

Just hearing it
gives me the chills.

Me, too.

Wayne, wait.

You can't just run off
with Jordan.

She's not really
your fiancée.

Oh, my God.
You're right.

That was just
for the prison board.

What was I thinking?

Hey, you just got
carried away.

Yeah. We got to
make this real.

Jordan Joy Denby,
will you marry me?

I don't know what to say.

I'd say yes.

Sure.
I'll marry you.

Yes.
I knew it.

The voices
were wrong again.

Awesome.
This is great
for the book.

- What?
- It's Wayne's
redemption story.

You're the first woman
he's gonna marry that
he's not gonna kill.

Right, Wayne?

Well, I'm no
fortuneteller, Charlie,

but I've got a good
feeling about this one.

Me, too.
Matter of fact,

I'm gonna give you
the keys to my cabin.

Excuse me?

Yeah, it's way out
in the woods

and no one will find
you two for a long time.

Charlie, can I talk
to you for a second?

Just call me
from the road.

I must say,
I'm very humbled
by your largess.

You know what?
Jordan, you put on
some music,

I'll get the keys to
the cabin, and, Wayne,
there's a really good bottle

- of champagne
in the fridge.
- I'm on it.

So what kind of music
am I supposed to
pick out for this?

Come on, let's go.

Is that like Journey
or Springsteen?

- No, it's come on,
let's go!
- Oh!

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

Brought back your can
of ravioli.

I noticed it was bulgy.

I opened it,
it smelled weird.

I tasted it
and it tasted funny.

So here.

Little morning martini?

Yeah, I like to treat myself
when I've cheated death.

Oh, right, right, right.
Yeah, he's back in jail.

Yes, yes.
And by the way, Sean,

next time you come in
and find a stranger
in my kitchen

eating my food,
wearing my clothes,

do me a favor.
Shoot me a text,
would you?

Sure.
[ laughs ]

Paranoid.