Original subtitles

Can someone please explain to me

how this thing that Patrick and Lacey are doing

is not a crime?

Who should I pick to answer that question?

Oh, I know.

If you spin that wheel one more time and it lands on me...

God!

Patrick, would you please explain to Ed

how your fake marriage to scam Lacey's parents

out of $1 million is not a crime?

It is not a fake marriage. We're really getting married.

It's just we can't stand each other and we're never gonna have sex.

Anyone?

Sounds like a real marriage to me.

Pretty good, huh? I get a free spin.

Ed.

I think they're a couple of damn con artists

scamming her folks the way they are.

My parents were forcing me into an arranged marriage,

so I'm marrying Patrick to get out of it.

If they want to give me a million-dollar wedding gift,

- I'm not gonna turn it down. - So you're scamming them.

Yeah, we're probably scamming them. What do you think, Patrick?

Yeah, we're definitely scamming them.

I just want to issue my standard disclaimer

that when felonies are discussed in here,

just because I'm listening does not make me an accessory.

Speaking of accessories,

my parents gave me an extra $100,000

to throw the actual wedding

that I would much rather spend on accessories.

$100,000?

That's like $30,000.

Boy, did you eat the whole bowl of stupid this morning?

I just want some attention.

My name never comes up on that wheel.

It drives me crazy that I have this $100,000

that I want to spend on me,

but I have to waste it on a dumb wedding

that everybody's gonna enjoy.

Anybody have any suggestions

on how Lacey can deal with these frustrations?

And please do not recommend

that she fly to Vegas and try to double the money.

Oh, my God. That's a great idea.

No, no, no. That is a terrible idea.

Let's go tonight.

- Don't go at all. - Should we fly or drive?

- Neither. - Let's fly.

Okay.

Well, awesome session, everyone.

Just so you know, there will be a childhood trauma slot on the wheel,

so start working on those recovered memories.

When I was seven, a clown touched me at the circus.

Next week, Nolan.

Jordan?

All right, Charlie, I'm ready to go to prison.

Is it for a specific crime or has society become fed up with you in general?

I'm observing your prison group today, remember?

I thought about it and I don't think you should go.

What? You said I could.

I told you I'm thinking about becoming a criminal psychologist,

so I need to observe criminals.

You got 'em, so quit hogging 'em.

Sweetie, it's just that prison is no place

for someone as... squeamish as you.

I'm a big girl and I can take it.

All right. All right. Fine.

But I'm only letting you come because you're really annoying

and there's a good chance that something might happen to you.

[ theme music playing ]

Okay, Ernesto, it's your turn.

Why don't you show us your list of the top three things that make you angry?

Not until she shows me the top three things that make me happy.

Oh, my.

I apologize for my colleague's uncivil tongue, Dr. Denby.

Thank you, Wayne.

I'll accept his apology on your behalf, Ernesto.

Thank you. Hey, you want to see my uncivil tongue?

That's enough.

Now I know that you've all been in here for so long

that Jordan looks attractive to you.

I'm sorry. That's not what I meant.

It's a little what I meant.

Charlie, stop teasing her.

I think she's a beautiful woman.

- Thank you, Cleo. - Oh, you're very welcome.

And I just have one question for you.

Can I have your hair?

Not all of it.

Just enough to make an updo for when I entertain.

- Um... - I would say no.

No.

Okay, before we go,

Wayne, you mentioned last time that there was an inmate

you were having trouble getting along with.

Yeah, he was making fun of the way I talk.

So after I got his attention in the laundry room

by accidentally steam-pressing his face,

I politely reminded him this is how people from Nashville speak.

Oh, my God. You're from Nashville?

- Me, too. - Where'd you go to high school?

- McKinley. - No kidding.

My first kidnapping was a McKinley graduate.

No way.

You're the guy that kidnapped Clea Lambert.

I hated her. Why'd you have to let her go?

You hated her?

Try spending three days in five different cars

with her waiting for a ransom to be delivered.

Yeah, it must have been a real trauma for you, Wayne.

But he was very nice. He never hurt her.

And he let her go at Fillmore's ice cream shop.

Yeah, like that girl needed any more ice cream.

Wait a second.

You weren't the guy that stabbed Fillmore, were you?

Hey, in my defense, I wanted a second taste of cookies and cream

and he would not give it to me.

Wayne, don't you know they only have a one-taste limit?

I did not know that.

I have a letter to write.

All right, let's call it a day.

See you all next week.

Charlie, can I speak to you for a minute

in my cell before you leave in private?

Sure. Jordan, I'll see you at the car.

I just wanted to say I've never done anything like this before

and you all were delightful.

And I am sorry about my uncivil tongue.

Don't worry about it.

You want to see my uncivil wiener?

I would say no.

I'll just be a minute, Wayne.

Taser check.

Kettles, what the hell?

Well, don't startle me like that.

What's on your mind, Wayne?

They want to transfer me to a prison in Texas.

Only problem is there are many evildoers

at that prison that wish me dead.

What do they have against you?

If I told you that, I'd have to kill you.

Well, then let's move on.

Get the Taser ready.

Anyway, State of California is very clear.

They won't transfer a prisoner

if there is any undue hardship on a family member or loved one.

Are you asking me to pretend to be your life partner?

'Cause I'm sorry, Wayne, but I am really into women.

They can be a little mannish, but they still have to have all the stuff.

No, what I need is a pretend female fiancée.

I was thinking maybe you could ask Dr. Denby for me.

Jordan?

Wayne, I'd love to help with this arrangement--

in fact, if it were a reality show, I would watch--

but I'm sorry, I can't be a part of this.

Let me sweeten the pot.

I've been approached by a number of publishing houses

who are ready to pay handsomely for the story of my life.

Now, I can't write this book,

but I can certainly pick the man who does.

They're willing to pay someone seven figures

to write an intimate portrait of the Austin Mangler?

I hate that nickname. Austin Mangler.

People get me confused with the Boston Strangler.

And his strangling was shoddy at best.

Wow, that is a lot of money.

Yup. You could invest it responsibly in a mutual fund

or put it away for your daughter's college education.

Or I could buy a sweet party RV

that tows two Jet Skis and a bar.

And I am sure that Jordan would want that for me, too.

Sorry I'm late.

I knew you'd make it. You're an alcoholic.

Finding a bar is like your superpower.

Here's your beer, Charlie.

And he ordered a Shirley Temple for you.

I'm sober, Charlie, not five years old.

Do you want some extra cherries?

Yay! Fun! Yes, please.

Don't do that again or I'll squeeze a lime in your eye.

You know, I am so proud of you.

You handled yourself very well with those prisoners today.

You are gonna make one hell of a criminal psychologist.

Oh, no, you're being nice to me.

What do you want? Money?

I'm paying for this dinner, aren't I?

No, of course not. I just think that the best thing for you

would be to spend some one-on-one time with a convict.

Oh, my God, that would be great. Thank you.

It is just so hard to get access.

You know what? I just got a great idea.

What if you pretend to be engaged to Wayne?

What? I can't be engaged to a convict.

Come on, think about it. What better way

to get an in-depth view into the mind of a sociopath?

I get that from working with you.

Oh, come on, Jordan. It would just be for a couple of months.

And I want a party RV.

What?

Okay, I'm sorry. That came out all wrong.

Let me be very clear.

I needa party RV.

I knew you couldn't just be nice.

My mom said, "Maybe he's just being nice."

And I said, "There's no way."

And she said, "Give him a chance." And I said, "Fine."

And then my dad got on the other line--

I get it! I get it!

Wayne needs to pretend that he's got a fiancée

or they're gonna ship him off to Texas.

And if I can help,

he's gonna let me write a book about him that would make a fortune.

Fine. As long as we get to write the book together

- and I get half the money. - Half?

And half the rights of anything else that follows--

movies, TV, Broadway shows.

Don't forget the action figure-- GI Wayne.

Now with super stabbing action.

I guess all I have to do now

is get to know Wayne well enough to fool the board.

I hope I can pull this off.

Sure, you can.

You're a great liar.

You lied this morning when you left the house

and told yourself that dress looked good.

Hey, Charlie. It's Patrick.

I'm just leaving you a message to let you know

we're still in Vegas, the room is nice,

and, oh, yeah, you were wrong.

I doubled the money. $200,000!

- In your-- - [ phone beeps ]

Crap, I lost the call.

Hey, Charlie. It's Patrick.

Face!

It's gone! It's all gone!

- What's gone? - The money.

No, it's not. It's in the safe in the closet.

Oh, my God! Where's the money?

It's gone! It's all gone!

$200,000 is gone? What the hell happened?

When you were getting a massage,

I grabbed $100 to go play roulette.

But I lost it, so I used the rest of the money

to try to get it back so you wouldn't get mad.

Well, I'm mad!

So it didn't work,

but at least I tried.

How-- how could you let this happen?

Hey, do not blame me.

If you hadn't gotten that stupid two-hour massage,

none of this would have happened.

I only did it because I thought I was rich.

We're screwed.

Your parents are gonna kill us.

Okay.

We're just gonna have to downsize the wedding.

Oh, great idea. I'm sure no one will ask any questions

when our Evite says that we're holding it

in the banquet room of a Sizzler.

What are we gonna do?

We're gonna do the same thing we always do.

Get drunk and watch "Fashion Place"?

I don't see how that's gonna help.

No, we're going to lie.

To my parents?

Haven't we lied enough to them?

Apparently not.

Okay.

So far the answers to your questions

verify that you two have spent enough time with each other

to conceivably be engaged.

Just a couple more and we'll wrap this up.

Dr. Denby, is your fiancée left-handed or right-handed?

Well, according to the stories he's told me, he's ambidextrous.

He shoots with his left, stabs with his right,

strangles with both.

She's my girl. [ imitates gunshot ]

I mean... [ imitates gunshot ]

One last question, Dr. Denby.

How do you justify marrying a convict?

Well, we do come from the same part of the world.

And I didn't expect this to happen,

but I love him.

Even though he has committed

multiple murders in numerous states?

Well, I'm not saying he's not a fixer-upper.

But Mom always said you got to mold a man.

Well, I'm satisfied.

Mr. Earl, as our wedding gift to you,

the California penal system will allow you

to stay in your current 6x9 cell for the next 200 years.

Oh, thank you.

That is a relief.

So, what happened?

She was a real champ, Charlie. She saved me.

For the 12th time in my life,

I think I'm in love.

Okay, Wayne. We'll be in touch about the book.

I knew you loved me.

Don't worry, we will be together.

What did he say? Was it about the book?

He said, "We will be together."

But, like, with him driving and me in the trunk.

I should tell the board that this was all a lie.

But then there won't be any book 'cause they'll ship him off to Texas.

I know, and I'll feel much better.

You know what will make you feel even better than that?

A new Jet Ski with cherries all over it.

Yay. Fun.

So where were you when they broke in?

I was getting gifts for you

to show our appreciation for the wedding.

So let me understand.

You cashed the check and brought all that money back to the house?

The bank said the money would be safer here

because they've had so many bank robberies.

So where did you keep all this money?

In Patrick's suitcase in the closet.

We might as well have just thrown all the money away in Vegas.

[ chuckles ]

You're expecting us to write you another check for $100,000?

- Yeah, that'd be great. - Thank you, Daddy.

Fine.

I'll have my accountant take care of it.

We're just happy that you're safe.

- Let's go, Mira. - Bye-bye, darling.

By the way, next time you stage a robbery,

you might want to scuff up a door or a window

to make it look like someone was actually trying to get in here.

- Okay, Daddy, we will. - Kisses.

Jordan, I'm telling you he's not gonna do anything to you.

You're blowing this way out of proportion.

I have been listening to you for five hours

and I still don't feel better.

I'm calling the board.

To tell them what? That you lied?

Wayne will get killed in a Texas jail.

You don't care about that.

You're just worried about losing your cool book deal and your stupid RV.

Hey, hey, I can care about a lot of things at the same time.

I am an emotional multitasker.

Then why can't you care about the fact

that this guy gives me the creeps?

A lot of people give people the creeps.

For instance, there's a really creepy guy who works at my liquor store,

but that doesn't stop me from going in there four times a week.

Here's my best argument.

Even if this guy is obsessed with you,

you have nothing to be afraid of.

You saw how he was chained up.

And he lives behind 20-foot concrete walls.

You're right.

I'm probably just being silly.

Sweetie, you have nothing to worry about.

Hey.

Hello.

Who are you?

I'm a friend of Charlie's. Who are you?

I live next door. How come I haven't seen you around?

I don't get out much.

Well, how do I know that you're actually his friend?

Well, how do I know you're not some serial killer?

That's a good point.

Ooh, SpaghettiOs.

Is there another can of those in here?

I think so. I know there's a can of ravioli left.

Sweet! It's my lucky day.

You don't know how lucky.

Hey, wait a second. Aren't those Charlie's clothes?

Yeah.

That's cool. This is his shirt, too.

Thanks so much for letting me stay in your guest room.

I guess I'm just still a little spooked.

Oh, it's all right. But no matter how scared you are,

do not sneak into my room in the middle of the night and start humping me.

What?

Hey, your words, not mine.

I'm just glad you changed your mind.

And you'll see. Everything's gonna work out just fine.

I don't know why I'm so worried.

I mean, the guy's behind bars.

- So who are we talking about? - [ both scream ]

- Wayne. - I didn't mean to startle you, my precious flower.

So, Wayne, it's...

kind of funny you're here.

Last time we saw you, you were in a maximum security prison.

Yeah, I remember that.

What happened to that?

When you turned to me and told me you loved me,

it sounded like you really meant it.

Did it?

Charlie, did it sound like that?

I don't know. I wasn't in the room.

Okay, thanks.

Jordan, when a man is in love,

he has a winged heart that can soar over these earthly confinements.

So I hid in the bottom of a garbage truck.

Wayne, I've got to ask,

what are you hoping to accomplish with this?

You must be the center of a huge manhunt.

That is why my fiancée and I

need to get out of here

and find ourselves a hiding spot.

Fiancée.

Just hearing it gives me the chills.

Me, too.

Wayne, wait.

You can't just run off with Jordan.

She's not really your fiancée.

Oh, my God. You're right.

That was just for the prison board.

What was I thinking?

Hey, you just got carried away.

Yeah. We got to make this real.

Jordan Joy Denby, will you marry me?

I don't know what to say.

I'd say yes.

Sure. I'll marry you.

Yes. I knew it.

The voices were wrong again.

Awesome. This is great for the book.

- What? - It's Wayne's redemption story.

You're the first woman he's gonna marry that he's not gonna kill.

Right, Wayne?

Well, I'm no fortuneteller, Charlie,

but I've got a good feeling about this one.

Me, too. Matter of fact,

I'm gonna give you the keys to my cabin.

Excuse me?

Yeah, it's way out in the woods

and no one will find you two for a long time.

Charlie, can I talk to you for a second?

Just call me from the road.

I must say, I'm very humbled by your largess.

You know what? Jordan, you put on some music,

I'll get the keys to the cabin, and, Wayne, there's a really good bottle

- of champagne in the fridge. - I'm on it.

So what kind of music am I supposed to pick out for this?

Come on, let's go.

Is that like Journey or Springsteen?

- No, it's come on, let's go! - Oh!

- Hey. - Oh, hey.

Brought back your can of ravioli.

I noticed it was bulgy.

I opened it, it smelled weird.

I tasted it and it tasted funny.

So here.

Little morning martini?

Yeah, I like to treat myself when I've cheated death.

Oh, right, right, right. Yeah, he's back in jail.

Yes, yes. And by the way, Sean,

next time you come in and find a stranger in my kitchen

eating my food, wearing my clothes,

do me a favor. Shoot me a text, would you?

Sure. [ laughs ]

Paranoid.