All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E46.Charlie.and.the.Christmas.Hooker.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

I know you're all gonna
be spending time with your
families this Christmas.

So remember, as good
as it might feel at the time,

aggravated assault
is not a gift.

By the way,also not a gift,

the holidayconversion package

I got from my aunt and unclewho want to turn me straight.

This year it included
a "Maxim" magazine,

a side of bacon,

- and a football shirt.
- Jersey.

I don't know.
Is that where the Redskins
are from?

I'm going to church
with my dad.

I like to pray...

that he gets struck
by lightning,

hit by a bus,

maybe a plane crash.

Believe me, I'm not one
to tell God how to do His job.

Surprise me.

Well, at least you got
something to do.

My wife kicked me out,
my daughter's out of town,

and all my friends are dead.

Let's see,
there's Pete, Tim--

yup, yup,
they're all dead.

My family all gets together.

It's so depressing.

Everybody's piling out
of their Mercedes

with their cute little kids
and their beautiful babies.

And it just reminds me...

that I don't
have a Mercedes.

Yeah, it's the most stressful
time of the year for me, too.

Aside from Shark Week.

For obvious reasons.

You know what?
Screw families, dead friends,
and sharks.

And the New Jersey Redskins.

I say we do something
different this Christmas.

Damn it.

There's nothing we can do
on Christmas.

The malls are all locked up.

It's like we did
something wrong.

No, I'm talking about
hanging out here,

drinking a ton
of booze and bitching
about the people we hate.

Yay!
Charlie saved Christmas.

- Yay!
- Yes, I did.

So it's set.
See you all 7:00
Christmas Eve.

You know, your father's
gonna crap a Catholic brick

if you don't go to mass
with him Christmas Eve.

Then I'll just go
tonight and tell him
that's all he gets.

- I'll see you there.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

You're going to church
with my dad?

Yeah.

He told me he'd kick me
out if I didn't repent

for being
such a lousy roommate.

Apparently he's the one
washing my dirty dishes

after I put them
in the sink.

Well, Ed, who did you
think was washing them?

Not something
I dwelled on.

What the hell are you doing?

All right, you got me.

Sometimes when
you're not around,

I like to use
your giant spoon
as a spoon.

It cracks me up.

It is pretty funny.

By the way, Mike from next
door used it last week

to fish a dead rat
out of his Jacuzzi.

How's that coffee?

So I have a favor
to ask you.

I'm dating this girl,
but I can't tell her that
I manage strip clubs

because she's...

what's that word
for chicks that don't like
to be called chicks?

- Feminist?
- Right.

She's a feminist chick.

So I lied to this chickand I told her I'm a doctor.

So can I pretend
that your office

is my office
on Christmas Eve?

Hey, Dr. Grabass,
my office isn't some
cheap motel room

you can use
to trick some gal
into sleeping with you.

She's super hot.

Dude, you buried the lead.

Have a great time
with your super hot
feminist chick.

Thank you.
They're awesome,
aren't they?

Pay half the tab,
bring their own
birth control.

And because they hate you
a little bit,

they don't want
to spend the night.

Hey, Ed.
You actually decided
to come, huh?

Yeah. Your dad has a wayof persuading people.

If I can't understandthat Mexican preacher,

I can always take refuge

in the good book.

I don't know
the good book by heart,

but I'm pretty sure
it also says,

"Share thy booze."

Where's my dad?

He's down in the basement.

He thinks he lefthis jacket here

after he threw it atthe bingo caller last night.

Did you seethat travesty out front?

You talking about
the 80-year-old lady

with the fake boobs
and the crop top?

No, I'm talking about
the Mexican Nativity scene
they got out there.

They've got the baby Jesuswrapped in a rainbow poncho

and he's browner
than my shoes.

Ed, it's called
a serape.

And a lot of ethnic groups
are more comfortable

with a display
that they can relate to.

The real Jesus was white.

Ed, brown or white,
Jesus is only there

to make us feel guilty
about masturbating.

Son, what are you
doing here?

Well, I can't make it
tomorrow night.

I've got a thing
with my group.

So I thought
I'd just come tonight.

But tomorrow's
Christmas Eve.

That's our mass.
We always do Christmas
Eve mass together.

Be careful.

Brown baby Jesus
is gonna get you.

Oh, Charlie.

Why do you always
put me through hell
at Christmastime?

What have I ever done
to you at Christmastime?

Oh, please, Charlie.

Ever since you
were a kid, you'd find
something every year.

Who put the Cincinnati Reds
ball cap on the Virgin Mary?

All right, fine,
that was me, but the Reds
won the Series that year.

All right. And who
put the hot sauce in
the Communion wine?

Okay, I did not
pour any hot--

[ laughs ]

Okay, that was me.
It was pretty funny,
though, right?

And who locked
Father Cosgrove

in the confessional box
overnight?

You told me you did thatwhen you were 12 years old.

I was just a kid.
What do you expect?

Wow.

Looks like a CVS
in August in here.

I thought we needed
a little Christmas
around this place.

Oh, here,
your secret Santa
left you a gift.

But it's just
the two of us.

And if it didn't
come from me,

then, hmm.

A motorized tie rack?

Somebody's been shopping
on SkyMall.

What'd you get me?

Well, I know how much
Christmas means to you.

So I got you
the best gift of all.

Friendship
and understanding.

Good.

Maybe now
I can understand

why my friend
didn't get me a gift.

You're welcome.

Hey, Charlie.

Sasha?

Wow. What the hell
are you doing here?

I just flew in.
I missed you.

Aw.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Jordan, this is Sasha.

Sasha and I used to go
out and then she left
town without calling.

And now she's
back without calling.
Sasha's very spontaneous.

I really am.

I just spontaneously
quit my job.

I was tired
of prostituting myself.

Oh, what did you do?

Oh, I was a prostitute.

Oh.

But the past
is the past, right?

Totally.

I used to sell
frozen yogurt.

Which isn't the same.

- I can't believe
you're back.
- Yeah.

Listen, I feel
really bad about
the way I left town.

So how'd you like
to go to Hawaii?

What?

My friend's fiancé
owns this yacht

which has to be in Maui
by, like, yesterday.

We would have the whole
yacht to ourselves.

- When do we leave?
- Tonight. 9:00 P.M. sharp.

But tonight's
Christmas Eve.

I can be
at your place at 8:00.
Is that a problem?

Well, I invited some of
my patients over at 7:00

and I can't just
kick them out.

Four-star treatment.

Anything your heart desires.

Hmm.

What about waffles?

Yup, but they
don't have any plates.

So you might have to eat it
off a cabin buddy.

Do you have a cabin buddy?

I do now.

[ theme music playing ]

I suck at this thing.

I haven't hit
Santa Bobo's face once.

You hit yourself
in the face twice.
That's pretty good.

Are you done, Lacey?
I'm starting to clean up.

I'm done with food, yes.

But champagne and I
have decided to get to
know each other better.

Thank you, champagne,
I think you're fun
and bubbly, too.

- [ laughs ]
- He's not your friend.

He's just trying to get
you drunk so he can watch you
have sex with strangers later.

- Now give it.
- No!

Hey, what happened to Ed?
He never showed up.

Well, if my Christmas
wish came true,

he suddenly woke up
at the NAACP headquarters

and has to decorate
for Kwanzaa with RuPaul.

Okay, everybody, I think
we all had a good time.

We should make this
an annual holiday tradition.

So thanks for coming.
I'll see you later.

What are you talking about?
We've only been here an hour.

Yeah, why are you tryingto rush us out of here?

It's just every Christmas Eve
I sit by myself,

open a bottle
of scotch and watch
"It's a Wonderful Life."

Always gets me at the end
when Jimmy Stewart

jumps off that bridge
and kills himself.

All right.
Out you go.

Sorry I'm late.

I just stole

the Mexican baby Jesus.

Damn it, Ed.

If white baby Jesus
finds out about this,

he's gonna be very pissed.

Wow.
This is great.

What kind of study are you
conducting in here?

- A sex study.
- Oh.

That's cool.

Examining what parts
of sex?

Mostly the sex parts.

- Oh.
- You know, the one
discovery we made--

and I share this
for no other reason than
it's an interesting fact--

the best sex
is between two people

who barely
know each other.

- I'm sorry,
what was your name again?
- [ laughs ]

- Sean?
- Jordan, hey.

- What are you doing here?
- I work here.

Of course, as my intern

who always has my back
and is so understanding.

What the hell
are you doing here?

Oh, the doctor was justshowing me his office.

Doctor?

He's not a doctor.
He's a strip club manager.

- You are?
- Yeah.

I'm strip club managing my way
through medical school.

Which is--
there's nothing wrong
with that.

People do it all the time.

Are you kidding?Why would you do that?

- You're pathetic.
- You know what?

At least I'm trying to get
laid on Christmas Eve

instead of sittingin my office working.

I wasn't working.
I was playing Sims
on my computer.

And for your information,
all the characters I created

are having really
hot sex right now.

How are the graphics
on that?

[ sighs ]

Is this seriously
what you're doing?

I have a Christmas tree
at home,

but I can't bring myself
to decorate it alone.

Okay. Ahem.

Let's go backto your place and we'll bothdecorate your tree together.

- Oh, please.
- Come on, let's do it.

It'll be great.

Oh, who am I kidding?
It'll be okay.

Ed, this is crazy.
You can't steal
the son of God

on Christmas Eve.

Too late.

I already did.

This is worse than
when you grabbed that dwarf
in that bar and said,

"Caught me a leprechaun.
Let's get his gold."

What are you gonna
do with it?

I don't know.

Throwing it away
would seem like blasphemy,

but putting it back
would be blasphemy, too.

I'm pretty sure I know
what to do here,

but I'm gonna need
the definition of
the word blasphemy.

All I know is Jesus
was not a Mexican.

He was white
with blue eyes.

That's why the crucifixion
is so sad.

- [ knocking ]
- It's your dad!

Not yours, Jesus.
Yours, Charlie.

Martin:
Charlie, open up.

- I know you're in there.
- Damn it, he knows.

All right,
everybody in the kitchen.
I'll take care of this.

Don't worry.
I know you're gonna
make everything better.

- Thank you, Lacey.
- I was talking to
the champagne.

[ knocking ]

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Egg roll?

Don't you "merry Christmas
egg roll" me, you thief.

You wouldn't let me in because
you're trying to hide it.

Me?

What would I even do
with a Jesus doll?

Then how would you even know
what I was talking about?

Oh, please.
It's all over the TV.

That and a story
about some drunk elf

at a mall
groping local MILFs.

Now listen to me.

You get the baby Jesus
back in his manger

by midnight mass
and there'll be no
questions asked.

Otherwise, I'm telling
everybody who did it

and where he lives.

- Dad, come on.
- Feliz Navidad, mi hijo.

All right, guys,
you can come out now.
My dad's gone.

Haven't said that
since high school.

All right, Ed,
give it to me.

I'm taking Jesus
back to the manger.

- No.
- Yes, give it to me, Ed.

- No. No.
- Yes. Yes.

Give it to me.

Well, obviously
it was made in Mexico.

I was kind of hoping
candy was gonna come out.

So, in the middle of winter
during a blizzard,

the entire family
ate popsicles

so I would have enough sticks
to finish my reindeer.

Wow. You'd think only one
or two of these ornaments
would have a story,

but it's every single one.

Here we go.

Wow.

It's really beautiful.

Yeah.

You know,

I actually don't hate
the softer side of you.

Thank you.
I am a sensitive guy.

I cried
at my dad's funeral.

[ teakettle whistling ]

Oh, two peppermint
cocoas coming up.

Oh, that was the kettle.
I was hoping maybe it was
the Christmas train.

[ laughs ]

This has been so much fun.

I am so excited
for what's next.

Me, too.

Wait until you see
"White Christmas" in HD.

You can see every--
oh, my God!

You know how to tie
a bow fast.

I'm guessing you have a lot of
throw pillows on your bed,

so I'm fine with doing this
right there on the couch.

We are not
having sex, Sean.

What the hell
is wrong with you?

Wait, so you invited a guy
with abs like these

over to decorate
a tree?

Put your pants on.

Fine.

[ sighs ]
Boy, I really misread
this situation.

Yeah, maybe you should go.

No, no, no.
Come on. Let me stay.

I'm sorry.
It's my bad, all right?

I'm actually having
a good time.

Fine.

So...

do you wax
or something?

Not that I looked.

It's a combination, actually.
I wax the chest,

I laser the stomach,
and then the rest

is friction due to usage.

So your ornament
has a story, too.

Is the glue
dry on Jesus yet?
This is taking forever.

Relax. It took God
seven days to make the world.

I think you can give me
five minutes to glue His
son's head back on.

Ed, as soon as this
thing is fixed,

you're taking it back
to the church.

I am not gonna be
on the hook for this.

Okay, but it's
Christmas Eve.

The place is packed.

And they moved
the Nativity scene inside.

How are we gonna
put it back?

Well, maybe you should have
thought about that

before you stuffed the savior
of man inside your jacket, Ed.

All done.

I give you Franken-Jesus.

All right, I have an idea,but we're all gonna have to go.

Ooh, a Christmas adventure.

This is so much more funthan shoplifting.

We've got to do it quick.
My movie will be here
in about 20 minutes.

I ordered it on pay-per-view.

Aloha, sailor.

That must be Jimmy Stewart.

Every time
a therapist lies,

an angel gets its wings.

All right, all right.
Come on, guys,
get in the car.

Get in the car.
I'll be right there.

Wait, what's going on?
The boat's about to leave.

Slight change of plans.
I'll be back in 20 minutes.
Half hour, tops.

Half hour?
We don't have a half hour.

I understand,

but one of my patients
stole a Mexican baby

and I pulled its head off,
then I tried to put
it back on.

You know what?
This story is not
that interesting.

Wait here.
I'll be right back.

Okay, I'll wait
as long as I can.

But, hey, I really don't
want to go without you.

Don't worry, sweetie.
I got this under control.

- The head fell off again.
- I've got to go.

Okay, are people
gonna buy this?

Yes. Between the pillow
and the baby Jesus

shoved up your dress,
you look completely pregnant.

You know what?
This is gonna be
a real easy birth

'cause I'm hammered.

All right, Lacey and I
are gonna go to the front
of the church.

The rest of you are gonna
make a scene. I need everybody
in here looking at you guys.

Well, I am wearing
a Hugo Boss blazer.

What are you guys
gonna do?

All right, Lace.

Let's put this thing
back in the manger.
Come on.

Ed, last week Nolan sneezed
on your muffin and made me
promise not to tell.

Well, I'm telling.

That's disgusting.You ought to have a tissueput over your face.

- [ arguing loudly ]
- Scoot over. Sorry.

- Give me the baby.
- All right.

- It won't come out.
- What?

It's stuck.

I think the glue
dried on my stomach.

- Help me get
this thing out of me.
- All right.

Put your hands on
his head and push.

[ moaning ]
It hurts.

It hurts.
I need another drink.

This is all your fault.
[ moaning ]

Martin, isn't that your son?

I've never seen that man
before in my life.

Come on, push.
Push, woman.

[ screams ]

Lo...

a child is born
of a virgin.

And also this woman
has had a child.

[ crowd gasps ]

And to all a good night.
Run!

So even though
I had shingles,

it was still my most
favorite Christmas ever.

Well, one Halloween
I banged a chick with
half a foot,

so she was
pretty gross, too.

See?
Isn't this good?

Us hanging out
being friends.

Genitals properly covered.

It is.
You're a great,
smart woman.

- You're a lot of fun.
- Really?

I don't usually get fun.

I've gotten "perky"

and a "lot to digest."

Let's put on
some holiday music.

Okay.

Do you prefer
Barbra Streisand

or Neil Diamond?

I forgot about this one.

[ screams ]

I think Neil Diamond.

What are you doing?

You're a chick with shingles.
Come on, let's do this.

Get out.
I am not having
sex with you.

I don't know what kind
of games you're playing.

Hey, so, seriously,
what are you doing
for New Year's?

Sasha?

Oh, damn it.

Hope you don't mind.

I already unwrapped
your Christmas present.

It's exactly
what I asked for.

And that mall Santa looked
at me like I was crazy.

So what happened
to Hawaii?

- I thought you already left?
- I was gonna go.

But then I realized
it wouldn't be as much
fun without you there.

Thank you, brown baby Jesus.