Original subtitles

I know you're all gonna be spending time with your families this Christmas.

So remember, as good as it might feel at the time,

aggravated assault is not a gift.

By the way,also not a gift,

the holidayconversion package

I got from my aunt and unclewho want to turn me straight.

This year it included a "Maxim" magazine,

a side of bacon,

- and a football shirt. - Jersey.

I don't know. Is that where the Redskins are from?

I'm going to church with my dad.

I like to pray...

that he gets struck by lightning,

hit by a bus,

maybe a plane crash.

Believe me, I'm not one to tell God how to do His job.

Surprise me.

Well, at least you got something to do.

My wife kicked me out, my daughter's out of town,

and all my friends are dead.

Let's see, there's Pete, Tim--

yup, yup, they're all dead.

My family all gets together.

It's so depressing.

Everybody's piling out of their Mercedes

with their cute little kids and their beautiful babies.

And it just reminds me...

that I don't have a Mercedes.

Yeah, it's the most stressful time of the year for me, too.

Aside from Shark Week.

For obvious reasons.

You know what? Screw families, dead friends, and sharks.

And the New Jersey Redskins.

I say we do something different this Christmas.

Damn it.

There's nothing we can do on Christmas.

The malls are all locked up.

It's like we did something wrong.

No, I'm talking about hanging out here,

drinking a ton of booze and bitching about the people we hate.

Yay! Charlie saved Christmas.

- Yay! - Yes, I did.

So it's set. See you all 7:00 Christmas Eve.

You know, your father's gonna crap a Catholic brick

if you don't go to mass with him Christmas Eve.

Then I'll just go tonight and tell him that's all he gets.

- I'll see you there. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're going to church with my dad?

Yeah.

He told me he'd kick me out if I didn't repent

for being such a lousy roommate.

Apparently he's the one washing my dirty dishes

after I put them in the sink.

Well, Ed, who did you think was washing them?

Not something I dwelled on.

What the hell are you doing?

All right, you got me.

Sometimes when you're not around,

I like to use your giant spoon as a spoon.

It cracks me up.

It is pretty funny.

By the way, Mike from next door used it last week

to fish a dead rat out of his Jacuzzi.

How's that coffee?

So I have a favor to ask you.

I'm dating this girl, but I can't tell her that I manage strip clubs

because she's...

what's that word for chicks that don't like to be called chicks?

- Feminist? - Right.

She's a feminist chick.

So I lied to this chickand I told her I'm a doctor.

So can I pretend that your office

is my office on Christmas Eve?

Hey, Dr. Grabass, my office isn't some cheap motel room

you can use to trick some gal into sleeping with you.

She's super hot.

Dude, you buried the lead.

Have a great time with your super hot feminist chick.

Thank you. They're awesome, aren't they?

Pay half the tab, bring their own birth control.

And because they hate you a little bit,

they don't want to spend the night.

Hey, Ed. You actually decided to come, huh?

Yeah. Your dad has a wayof persuading people.

If I can't understandthat Mexican preacher,

I can always take refuge

in the good book.

I don't know the good book by heart,

but I'm pretty sure it also says,

"Share thy booze."

Where's my dad?

He's down in the basement.

He thinks he lefthis jacket here

after he threw it atthe bingo caller last night.

Did you seethat travesty out front?

You talking about the 80-year-old lady

with the fake boobs and the crop top?

No, I'm talking about the Mexican Nativity scene they got out there.

They've got the baby Jesuswrapped in a rainbow poncho

and he's browner than my shoes.

Ed, it's called a serape.

And a lot of ethnic groups are more comfortable

with a display that they can relate to.

The real Jesus was white.

Ed, brown or white, Jesus is only there

to make us feel guilty about masturbating.

Son, what are you doing here?

Well, I can't make it tomorrow night.

I've got a thing with my group.

So I thought I'd just come tonight.

But tomorrow's Christmas Eve.

That's our mass. We always do Christmas Eve mass together.

Be careful.

Brown baby Jesus is gonna get you.

Oh, Charlie.

Why do you always put me through hell at Christmastime?

What have I ever done to you at Christmastime?

Oh, please, Charlie.

Ever since you were a kid, you'd find something every year.

Who put the Cincinnati Reds ball cap on the Virgin Mary?

All right, fine, that was me, but the Reds won the Series that year.

All right. And who put the hot sauce in the Communion wine?

Okay, I did not pour any hot--

[ laughs ]

Okay, that was me. It was pretty funny, though, right?

And who locked Father Cosgrove

in the confessional box overnight?

You told me you did thatwhen you were 12 years old.

I was just a kid. What do you expect?

Wow.

Looks like a CVS in August in here.

I thought we needed a little Christmas around this place.

Oh, here, your secret Santa left you a gift.

But it's just the two of us.

And if it didn't come from me,

then, hmm.

A motorized tie rack?

Somebody's been shopping on SkyMall.

What'd you get me?

Well, I know how much Christmas means to you.

So I got you the best gift of all.

Friendship and understanding.

Good.

Maybe now I can understand

why my friend didn't get me a gift.

You're welcome.

Hey, Charlie.

Sasha?

Wow. What the hell are you doing here?

I just flew in. I missed you.

Aw.

Oh, I'm sorry. Jordan, this is Sasha.

Sasha and I used to go out and then she left town without calling.

And now she's back without calling. Sasha's very spontaneous.

I really am.

I just spontaneously quit my job.

I was tired of prostituting myself.

Oh, what did you do?

Oh, I was a prostitute.

Oh.

But the past is the past, right?

Totally.

I used to sell frozen yogurt.

Which isn't the same.

- I can't believe you're back. - Yeah.

Listen, I feel really bad about the way I left town.

So how'd you like to go to Hawaii?

What?

My friend's fiancé owns this yacht

which has to be in Maui by, like, yesterday.

We would have the whole yacht to ourselves.

- When do we leave? - Tonight. 9:00 P.M. sharp.

But tonight's Christmas Eve.

I can be at your place at 8:00. Is that a problem?

Well, I invited some of my patients over at 7:00

and I can't just kick them out.

Four-star treatment.

Anything your heart desires.

Hmm.

What about waffles?

Yup, but they don't have any plates.

So you might have to eat it off a cabin buddy.

Do you have a cabin buddy?

I do now.

[ theme music playing ]

I suck at this thing.

I haven't hit Santa Bobo's face once.

You hit yourself in the face twice. That's pretty good.

Are you done, Lacey? I'm starting to clean up.

I'm done with food, yes.

But champagne and I have decided to get to know each other better.

Thank you, champagne, I think you're fun and bubbly, too.

- [ laughs ] - He's not your friend.

He's just trying to get you drunk so he can watch you have sex with strangers later.

- Now give it. - No!

Hey, what happened to Ed? He never showed up.

Well, if my Christmas wish came true,

he suddenly woke up at the NAACP headquarters

and has to decorate for Kwanzaa with RuPaul.

Okay, everybody, I think we all had a good time.

We should make this an annual holiday tradition.

So thanks for coming. I'll see you later.

What are you talking about? We've only been here an hour.

Yeah, why are you tryingto rush us out of here?

It's just every Christmas Eve I sit by myself,

open a bottle of scotch and watch "It's a Wonderful Life."

Always gets me at the end when Jimmy Stewart

jumps off that bridge and kills himself.

All right. Out you go.

Sorry I'm late.

I just stole

the Mexican baby Jesus.

Damn it, Ed.

If white baby Jesus finds out about this,

he's gonna be very pissed.

Wow. This is great.

What kind of study are you conducting in here?

- A sex study. - Oh.

That's cool.

Examining what parts of sex?

Mostly the sex parts.

- Oh. - You know, the one discovery we made--

and I share this for no other reason than it's an interesting fact--

the best sex is between two people

who barely know each other.

- I'm sorry, what was your name again? - [ laughs ]

- Sean? - Jordan, hey.

- What are you doing here? - I work here.

Of course, as my intern

who always has my back and is so understanding.

What the hell are you doing here?

Oh, the doctor was justshowing me his office.

Doctor?

He's not a doctor. He's a strip club manager.

- You are? - Yeah.

I'm strip club managing my way through medical school.

Which is-- there's nothing wrong with that.

People do it all the time.

Are you kidding?Why would you do that?

- You're pathetic. - You know what?

At least I'm trying to get laid on Christmas Eve

instead of sittingin my office working.

I wasn't working. I was playing Sims on my computer.

And for your information, all the characters I created

are having really hot sex right now.

How are the graphics on that?

[ sighs ]

Is this seriously what you're doing?

I have a Christmas tree at home,

but I can't bring myself to decorate it alone.

Okay. Ahem.

Let's go backto your place and we'll bothdecorate your tree together.

- Oh, please. - Come on, let's do it.

It'll be great.

Oh, who am I kidding? It'll be okay.

Ed, this is crazy. You can't steal the son of God

on Christmas Eve.

Too late.

I already did.

This is worse than when you grabbed that dwarf in that bar and said,

"Caught me a leprechaun. Let's get his gold."

What are you gonna do with it?

I don't know.

Throwing it away would seem like blasphemy,

but putting it back would be blasphemy, too.

I'm pretty sure I know what to do here,

but I'm gonna need the definition of the word blasphemy.

All I know is Jesus was not a Mexican.

He was white with blue eyes.

That's why the crucifixion is so sad.

- [ knocking ] - It's your dad!

Not yours, Jesus. Yours, Charlie.

Martin: Charlie, open up.

- I know you're in there. - Damn it, he knows.

All right, everybody in the kitchen. I'll take care of this.

Don't worry. I know you're gonna make everything better.

- Thank you, Lacey. - I was talking to the champagne.

[ knocking ]

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Egg roll?

Don't you "merry Christmas egg roll" me, you thief.

You wouldn't let me in because you're trying to hide it.

Me?

What would I even do with a Jesus doll?

Then how would you even know what I was talking about?

Oh, please. It's all over the TV.

That and a story about some drunk elf

at a mall groping local MILFs.

Now listen to me.

You get the baby Jesus back in his manger

by midnight mass and there'll be no questions asked.

Otherwise, I'm telling everybody who did it

and where he lives.

- Dad, come on. - Feliz Navidad, mi hijo.

All right, guys, you can come out now. My dad's gone.

Haven't said that since high school.

All right, Ed, give it to me.

I'm taking Jesus back to the manger.

- No. - Yes, give it to me, Ed.

- No. No. - Yes. Yes.

Give it to me.

Well, obviously it was made in Mexico.

I was kind of hoping candy was gonna come out.

So, in the middle of winter during a blizzard,

the entire family ate popsicles

so I would have enough sticks to finish my reindeer.

Wow. You'd think only one or two of these ornaments would have a story,

but it's every single one.

Here we go.

Wow.

It's really beautiful.

Yeah.

You know,

I actually don't hate the softer side of you.

Thank you. I am a sensitive guy.

I cried at my dad's funeral.

[ teakettle whistling ]

Oh, two peppermint cocoas coming up.

Oh, that was the kettle. I was hoping maybe it was the Christmas train.

[ laughs ]

This has been so much fun.

I am so excited for what's next.

Me, too.

Wait until you see "White Christmas" in HD.

You can see every-- oh, my God!

You know how to tie a bow fast.

I'm guessing you have a lot of throw pillows on your bed,

so I'm fine with doing this right there on the couch.

We are not having sex, Sean.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Wait, so you invited a guy with abs like these

over to decorate a tree?

Put your pants on.

Fine.

[ sighs ] Boy, I really misread this situation.

Yeah, maybe you should go.

No, no, no. Come on. Let me stay.

I'm sorry. It's my bad, all right?

I'm actually having a good time.

Fine.

So...

do you wax or something?

Not that I looked.

It's a combination, actually. I wax the chest,

I laser the stomach, and then the rest

is friction due to usage.

So your ornament has a story, too.

Is the glue dry on Jesus yet? This is taking forever.

Relax. It took God seven days to make the world.

I think you can give me five minutes to glue His son's head back on.

Ed, as soon as this thing is fixed,

you're taking it back to the church.

I am not gonna be on the hook for this.

Okay, but it's Christmas Eve.

The place is packed.

And they moved the Nativity scene inside.

How are we gonna put it back?

Well, maybe you should have thought about that

before you stuffed the savior of man inside your jacket, Ed.

All done.

I give you Franken-Jesus.

All right, I have an idea,but we're all gonna have to go.

Ooh, a Christmas adventure.

This is so much more funthan shoplifting.

We've got to do it quick. My movie will be here in about 20 minutes.

I ordered it on pay-per-view.

Aloha, sailor.

That must be Jimmy Stewart.

Every time a therapist lies,

an angel gets its wings.

All right, all right. Come on, guys, get in the car.

Get in the car. I'll be right there.

Wait, what's going on? The boat's about to leave.

Slight change of plans. I'll be back in 20 minutes. Half hour, tops.

Half hour? We don't have a half hour.

I understand,

but one of my patients stole a Mexican baby

and I pulled its head off, then I tried to put it back on.

You know what? This story is not that interesting.

Wait here. I'll be right back.

Okay, I'll wait as long as I can.

But, hey, I really don't want to go without you.

Don't worry, sweetie. I got this under control.

- The head fell off again. - I've got to go.

Okay, are people gonna buy this?

Yes. Between the pillow and the baby Jesus

shoved up your dress, you look completely pregnant.

You know what? This is gonna be a real easy birth

'cause I'm hammered.

All right, Lacey and I are gonna go to the front of the church.

The rest of you are gonna make a scene. I need everybody in here looking at you guys.

Well, I am wearing a Hugo Boss blazer.

What are you guys gonna do?

All right, Lace.

Let's put this thing back in the manger. Come on.

Ed, last week Nolan sneezed on your muffin and made me promise not to tell.

Well, I'm telling.

That's disgusting.You ought to have a tissueput over your face.

- [ arguing loudly ] - Scoot over. Sorry.

- Give me the baby. - All right.

- It won't come out. - What?

It's stuck.

I think the glue dried on my stomach.

- Help me get this thing out of me. - All right.

Put your hands on his head and push.

[ moaning ] It hurts.

It hurts. I need another drink.

This is all your fault. [ moaning ]

Martin, isn't that your son?

I've never seen that man before in my life.

Come on, push. Push, woman.

[ screams ]

Lo...

a child is born of a virgin.

And also this woman has had a child.

[ crowd gasps ]

And to all a good night. Run!

So even though I had shingles,

it was still my most favorite Christmas ever.

Well, one Halloween I banged a chick with half a foot,

so she was pretty gross, too.

See? Isn't this good?

Us hanging out being friends.

Genitals properly covered.

It is. You're a great, smart woman.

- You're a lot of fun. - Really?

I don't usually get fun.

I've gotten "perky"

and a "lot to digest."

Let's put on some holiday music.

Okay.

Do you prefer Barbra Streisand

or Neil Diamond?

I forgot about this one.

[ screams ]

I think Neil Diamond.

What are you doing?

You're a chick with shingles. Come on, let's do this.

Get out. I am not having sex with you.

I don't know what kind of games you're playing.

Hey, so, seriously, what are you doing for New Year's?

Sasha?

Oh, damn it.

Hope you don't mind.

I already unwrapped your Christmas present.

It's exactly what I asked for.

And that mall Santa looked at me like I was crazy.

So what happened to Hawaii?

- I thought you already left? - I was gonna go.

But then I realized it wouldn't be as much fun without you there.

Thank you, brown baby Jesus.