Original subtitles

So, Ed, my dad said that you and he drove

down to Tijuana for a couple days. Little vacation?

No, I had to get some cheap meds

and your dad always wanted to get his picture taken

on a donkey painted like a zebra.

I started saving for a trip to Mexico.

- They say it's beautiful. - Well, they were wrong.

For a country that cranks out nothing but housekeepers,

the place is a mess.

All right, Ed. Put a dollar in the racist jar.

No, no, no. That's the homophobia jar.

That's the sexist jar.

That's the anti-Semitic jar.

You'd think there'd be more dollars in the Jew jar.

Well, there are now. Put a dollar in.

So, Nolan, if you're unemployed,

how are you saving money for a trip?

Did you figure out how to sell a vacant stare on eBay?

No, I got a job. I'm working at French Cut.

Nolan, we've been over this.

Loitering in a lingerie store is not the same thing as working there.

No, it's real. I'm a cashier.

Wait a minute. That means you'll get an employee discount.

And a half hour for lunch.

We need to talk.

Is this about the remake of "Tron"?

No. It's about letting me use your employee discount.

Oh.

Can we talk about "Tron" after?

Oh, sorry. I thought session was over.

No, no, come on in. We're just wrapping up.

See you all next Thursday.

Nolan, good luck with the job.

And, Ed, a little tip. It's probably a bad sign

if your pill bottle has a worm at the bottom.

You're here 'cause you got my message about us being in "Psychology Today."

- Pretty great, huh? - Are you kidding?

We can't invite the press to see the study now.

If they don't like what we're doing,

they could destroy our credibility before the results are published.

So are you excited about this or not?

I've been burned by the press before.

Oh, not that again. You've got to get over it.

That review was a long time ago.

"Lose 20 pounds" is not something

you should say to a nine-year-old ballerina.

Well, don't worry. I had a lovely Skype with Vanessa this morning

and I guarantee this will be a very positive article.

Oh, really? You guarantee it?

Does Vanessa also happen to be an attractive woman?

Define attractive.

- Attractive. - Oh, well, then, yes, she is.

Charlie, if we are going to do this,

it has to be for the good of our careers, not your penis.

Hey, hey, hey.

What's good for our careers is good for my penis.

Oh, come on, Jordan. Let's do this interview.

Okay, fine. But this woman is a professional.

Promise me you'll treat her with respect.

I absolutely will.

When I'm having sex with her, I'll say please and thank you.

- Charlie. - Oh, come on. I'm not stupid.

20 pounds?

How big were you when you were nine?

I was more sugar plum than fairy.

Is it fair to characterize your study as comparing

the happiness of friends with benefits couples

versus traditional monogamous couples?

Yes, exactly.

And if I was to put something in your mouth,

those words would be it.

- Charlie. - What?

Please, continue.

Has working together so closely on a subject like this

ever tempted you to, you know,

take your relationship to the next level?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Jordan, if I may.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.

Yeah, not in the history of the known universe.

Not even if hell froze over.

Beyond the valley of no way.

Not even if he paid for it.

[ sighs ] Not even if I could afford it.

But, for the record, Jordan is a brilliant researcher.

Thank you.

And do not get me started on Charlie.

- Is that it? - Yes.

[ phone chimes ]

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, this is she.

Yes, I have a red tabby cat.

Yes, she's been known to attack children.

Oh, my God. I'll be right there.

I'm so sorry. I have to go.

My cat tore up a-- she's sick.

No, it's okay. Go.

We'll keep talking about the study.

And that's all.

Don't worry. We're not gonna talk about you behind your back.

Crazy cat lady.

- So. - So.

The study.

Well, now with Jordan gone, I can confide in you

that I think to write this story,

I'm going to need to experience your methodology firsthand.

So you want to be hooked up to the machine?

Because that is firsthand.

And feel free to use your second hand if needed.

When I did a story on Tibetan monks,

I spent a month in a monastery.

When I did a story on kayaking,

I went down the Colorado River.

When I did a story on gang violence in South Central LA,

I rented a documentary

on gang violence in South Central LA.

I mean, I can hook you up to the machine,

but it won't mean anything unless you're having sex.

I know.

So you gonna bring your boyfriend down here?

I don't have a boyfriend.

And I...

don't have any self-control.

[ theme music playing ]

So this is what everybody in the study has to wear when they have sex?

I don't know what you're talking about.

It's what I always wear when I have sex.

Let me show you how this works.

The machine, that is. I'm sure you know how the rest works.

If you do something that surprises me, I'll let you know.

Now, these register our emotional responses during sex.

And this is the number that identifies which couple we are.

XTC4U?

Totally random.

We programmed the computer to have a sense of humor.

It cost a lot, but it was well worth it.

So, are we all hooked up and ready to go?

Well, we're not totally hooked up.

There is one input left.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

This.

All right.

Welcome to the wonderful world of sexual science.

Please keep your arms and legs in the bed at all times.

You can pick up your picture in the gift shop at the end of the ride.

I'm just glad I'm tall enough to ride.

Excuse me. I'm looking for something that says,

"I'm shy until you get two drinks in me, LeBron James."

Lacey, I need to talk to you.

I need to talk to you. What's sexier?

This or this?

I don't know. The only way I can tell

is if I see them on you and then you slowly take them off.

Come talk to me when they're paying you $60 million to play basketball

and you've got a shoe contract and, you know what, just don't talk to me.

Look, Lacey, my boss just told me

the only people who can use my employee discount

are me, family members, or significant others.

And I don't think anyone's going to believe you're me.

So just tell them I'm your sister.

- My girlfriend. - Your half-sister.

- My girlfriend. - Your cousin.

Okay, fine, my cousin. But we have sex.

Hey. Sorry about that.

So what happened? Your cat scratched up a kid?

It wasn't the cat's fault.

The kid from next door was eating out of her bowl.

I really need a smaller cat door.

Well, they make that cat food look so delicious on TV.

This was bound to happen.

So how'd it go with the reporter?

Was she in and out pretty quick?

No, I wouldn't put it that way.

But she got what she needed?

Sure sounded that way to me.

Did somebody use the machine?

What?

According to the time stamp,

someone used this machine 45 minutes ago.

I wonder who?

Damn it, Charlie. She's a reporter.

Is there anyone that you don't sleep with?

Yes, there's a whole gender I don't sleep with.

Hey, she started it. What was I supposed to do, say no?

- Yes! - Well, that's just crazy talk.

I can't leave for one hour without you getting into trouble.

- You're worse than Mr. Tubby. - Don't compare me to a cat.

I'm not. That's what I call the kid from next door.

Has she seen this readout yet?

No, she wanted to do this for her story,

so I was gonna show it to her tonight. Why?

Well, according to the activity in her dopamine center,

this woman is in love with you.

Which can only mean one thing.

- What? - The machine is broken.

What are you saying?

That a woman can't fall in love with me after one time?

- No. - Well, you know what?

- You don't know women. - I do know women.

- Oh, really? How? - I'm a woman.

Oh, please.

I am and I know this woman

and I know what she's going to write in her article

after she sees this readout.

That all of our data is faulty and this whole study is a sham.

- This is terrible. - I know. I know.

This study is all you've got.

I've got friends, hobbies, private practice.

You better figure out your next move. I'm out of here.

You are not bailing on this.

What if this happened today?

Is there any way that you could have broken the machine?

Did anything get wet?

The machine, you adolescent pig.

- No. - [ sighs ]

Okay, well, I'll get it checked out.

But in the meantime, don't let her see this readout.

Give her someone else's. Pretend it's hers.

I can't show her this.

Besides, she knows our number-- XTC4U.

You have got to fix this or we're screwed.

Oh, how typical.

I make a mistake, you get mad at me,

and I'm the one who has to clean things up.

Well, you know what, Jordan? Your name is on that door, too.

It says Gordon.

Oh, yeah? Well, I suppose you're gonna blame that on me, too.

Well, you're the one that gave them the wrong spelling.

And there it is.

It's been really fun hanging out with you today, Lacey.

We're not hanging out.

You bumped into me in the Apple Store,

found out about Nolan's employee discount,

and followed me here.

I know, fun, right?

Hey, Mom, what about this?

- Yes! - Over my dead body.

No way. I'll kill you.

You guys both talked at the same time,

so I'm gonna assume it was my mom that said yes.

- Uh, no. - Come on.

You said you were already wearing push-up bras and thongs at my age.

That's because I was rebelling against conservative parents.

If you want to rebel against me,

you're gonna have to do something crazy

like wear granny panties

and not sleep with all the guys at Spencer's Gifts.

Uh-oh. All right, guys, give me all your stuff.

If I don't leave in five minutes,

I'm gonna be two and a half hours late for lunch with my mom.

- Here. I want these. - Hello, cousin,

who qualifies for my employee discount.

Kiss me. My boss is watching.

We're not cousins who have sex.

Just because society doesn't understand our love

does not mean it's not real.

How's it going, Nolan?

Oh, fine.

Just ringing up some more clothes for my cousin.

You've been buying her an awful lot of clothes lately.

You know what they say about women.

Bitches.

You know, I'd like to meet your cousin.

Anyone who can wear a 32B and a 34D

must be very interesting-looking.

Yeah.

She's got a lot of different-sized breasts.

Nolan, what's going on?

Okay, the truth is

this bra is for my cousin.

And this bra is for me.

For you?

That's what I went with.

That's great. I'm a cross-dresser, too.

- You are? - Yes.

No way.

Why else would I work in this place?

Because you're also not Hot Dog on a Stick material?

Anyway, we're having a secret drag party here

tomorrow night with a bunch of my cross-dressing friends.

- You should come. - Oh, I would love to.

But I got to work tomorrow night.

No, you don't.

Right, you're my boss.

You would know that.

Afternoon, gentlemen.

Wayne, I couldn't help noticing that you're holding a bird.

I've always loved birds.

I call her Barbra Streisand.

Because she sings so beautifully?

No, 'cause all the gays love her.

Right? Who's fabulous?

When I retell the story, it'll be because she sings so beautifully.

If I knew we were allowed to have pets in this prison,

I would have brought my pet gun.

And my pet bag of heroin.

Pets aren't allowed in here, Ernesto.

How'd you get the bird in here, Wayne?

Hardest part was getting her past the metal detector.

Why? Birds don't have any metal on them.

No, but they do have little metal bands on their legs

that say, "Property of the San Diego Zoo."

All right, well, let's talk about that.

Machines and how they complicate our lives. Who's got an example?

Ooh, I do. One time I had this wrinkled-up old dollar

and I was trying to shove that bitch up into a Pepsi machine--

You know what? I'm gonna go first.

There's this really hot reporter.

She's doing an article on my sex study.

So we hooked ourselves up to this EEG machine

that measures love and then we, well, we hooked up.

Ooh! Here we go, here we go.

The meat. Get to the meat, Charlie.

Anyway, the readout said that she loved me,

which can't be true.

When she realizes our data is wrong,

she'll write about it and trash the study.

How many people are you willing to kill to save your study?

None.

All right. I got another idea.

The way I see it, can't change the readout

so you got to change the woman.

You got to make her think she's in love with you, she just doesn't know it.

That's a great idea. But how would I do that?

I would say chain her to a basement wall,

but that never worked out for me.

Anybody have any other suggestions?

That don't involve chaining someone to a wall.

Or a toilet.

Coming.

- Hey. - Charlie.

What are you doing here? I thought we were meeting at the restaurant.

Yeah, but I thought it'd be better if we talked about the results in private.

Plus, I wanted to bring you these.

Flowers? Really? That's unexpected.

- Do you like them? - I love them.

But you didn't know you loved them until I brought them to your attention.

- What? - It's okay.

Just because you didn't know you loved something

doesn't make you a bad person.

Why don't we go inside?

- Are you all right? - I am great.

Let me tell you a little story.

A long time ago my ex-wife and I, we had this cat.

And I didn't feel anything for this cat.

Okay.

Then one night a coyote ate that cat

and I was an emotional wreck.

- You know why? - Why?

Because it turns out I loved that cat

and I didn't even know it. I would have known it

if it was hooked up to an EEG and I had sex with it.

All right, I think I get it.

- You do? - Yeah.

I'm the cat and you just found out

that you're in love with me.

No, I'm the cat

and you're in love with me.

Surprise.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Let me just show you the data.

Okay.

Look, this is the readout.

This one's me and this one's you.

Look how high your activity is in your dopamine centers.

Which means I love you?

And you don't even know it.

Isn't science amazing?

Charlie, I really liked having sex with you,

but if you think I'm crazy enough to fall in love with someone I just met,

then you have serious issues.

No, no. No, no. Falling in love with me

without even knowing me is completely normal.

Sometimes it's even easier.

It doesn't make you crazy.

Okay, here's the truth.

Your readout is way off base,

which means your machine and all your data are wrong.

And I would be a terrible reporter if I didn't put that in my article.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.

Oh, my gosh. I had it upside down.

I'm in love with you.

[ chuckles ]

I can't deal with this right now. Please leave.

Vanessa. [ sighs ]

Damn it.

I guess the machine's not broken.

Hey, Nolan.

Oh, my goodness. Look at you.

[ laughs ] Yeah, I know.

It's always weird when you see somebody outside of work.

Yeah.

That's what's weird.

Anyway, I look forward to seeing you at more of these parties.

Yeah, well, keep looking.

Great party.

Yup.

You get caught abusing the store discount, too?

Yup.

Well, I figure it's worth it.

I'm getting so much tail from chicks

who want free underwear, it's crazy.

I'm not getting any tail.

Oh.

You look lovely.

Charlie!

Oh, hey.

I didn't see all of this.

I can explain.

Explain what?

Why would you need to explain a bed with my face on it?

Who doesn't have one of those?

I'm not a reporter.

Really? You don't say.

Don't you recognize my voice?

Welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?

Holy crap.

You're the girl who gives me my coffee every morning.

And sometimes your breakfast sandwich.

And once a strawberry milk shake and a buttload of McNuggets.

I think you'd been up all night.

It was adorable.

Well, it was nice meeting you.

I'll send you my new contact info. I'm moving to Spain.

Or some other country.

Why don't you love me?!

Well, for starters, there's the screaming.

Look at your line.

It doesn't move.

You self-centered son of a bitch.

[ sobbing ]

What did I do wrong?

Nothing. You've done this whole

manic-obsessive crazy thing absolutely right.

It was classic.

I'm not crazy.

I love you.

And I hope the coyote eats me

so that you can see how much you love me, too.

Like you loved the cat.

Vanessa, there was no cat.

There was no coyote.

But there will be a restraining order.

One quick question. Do you know where there's another McDonald's in the area?

What?

You know, they got those big signs out front.

I'll find one. Good-bye.