Original subtitles

- [ laughing ] - Sorry we're late.

Uh, late? We're done.

We were out doing rich person things.

Let me guess-- one of those things was buying dumbass hats.

Don't be silly. We're not gonna waste the millions of dollars

my parents are giving us after we get married on hats.

Yeah, we got one free with every thousand-dollar purchase of scarves.

Plus, I got this stupid fun phone cover, look.

The monkey's beret matches my hat.

[ laughs ]

You're spending money you don't have.

Lacey's parents are gonna find out this whole wedding thing is a scam

and you're not gonna get a penny.

You seem grumpy.

You know what you need?

A hat.

I don't need a hat.

I need a sanity stick so I can give you both a smack upside the head.

Give me the hat.

We're not gonna get caught.

We're too smart.

Plus, Lacey is living with me now

so we look more like a real engaged couple.

Yeah, but he's kicking me out for the weekend

so he can spend time with his new boyfriend.

Worst fiancé ever.

I'm sorry, Andy's upset that I haven't invited him over.

I think he's starting to think I'm hiding something.

Besides, I want our first time together to be in my bed.

You're right-- worst fiancé ever.

All right, thanks, everybody.

See you next Thursday.

Once again, Lacey and Patrick,

huge mistake with the money.

But if you have a scarf that matches this hat, I'll take it.

- Hey, man. - Hey.

You got anything going on? A buddy of mine opened up one of those naked sushi places

where you eat the raw fish off the naked lady.

Wow, that sounds cool. Where is it?

Oh, he opened up in that tattoo shop,

the one that got closed down for hep C.

You know, I think I'll pass...

but if you can find a pizza place in an old animal shelter,

I'd be down with that.

Charlie, you'll never guess

who I ran into at the Safeway today.

You look so fantastic.

Jump up your own ass and die.

So, I'm at the Safeway. I go to the checkout counter.

Who's the cashier? Mandy Chisholm.

From high school? What the hell is she doing out here?

I don't know. Maybe Ohio passed a no skank law

and they relocated her to Los Angeles.

She's not a skank just because I had sex with her

before I had sex with you.

I don't know what's going on here,

but I am totally on Jen's side.

I politely asked you to die.

You haven't died yet.

Mandy Chisholm isa skank

because I told her I liked you,

then she went out and slept with you.

That's when I gave her the nickname

Mandy "No Panties" Chisholm.

So you went Mandy "No Panties,"

and you did absolutely nothing with Chisholm?

No, why?

Oh, ew.

Jen, Jen, Jen, you gotta get over it.

Besides, you already got your revenge.

She burned "Mandy Chisholm is a whore"

in giant letters on the football field with kerosene

right before Homecoming.

- Sweet. - Oh, it was a great game.

We kicked the winning field goal

from the "whore-yard" line.

She stole your virginity from me.

We were supposed to lose ours together.

You're right. She did a terrible thing.

How'd she look?

Don't you dare, Charlie.

You promised me in 11th grade

you'd never speak to her again.

- And I won't. - Good.

[ door opens, closes ]

So, we gonna go check this chick out

and see if she's still hot or what?

Oh, come on, dude. I gotta show Jen some respect.

Let's wait till she's out of the driveway.

[ theme music playing ]

Which one is she?

That's her right there.

That-- wow. Dude, she's hot, man.

Are you sure that you don't want to talk to her?

Well, of course I do, but I promised Jen I wouldn't.

Mandy, look, Charlie Goodson.

I didn't promise Jen anything.

Charlie?

[ chuckles ] You son of a bitch.

- Mandy, is that you? - Oh, my God, wow. You look great.

- Thank you. So do you. - Thank you.

This used to be my buddy, Sean.

It's so weird because I just saw your wife yesterday.

Oh, really? But she didn't say anything.

- Hmm. - And, by the way, she's my ex-wife.

Oh, good 'cause she was a bitch.

So you were Charlie's first?

- Charlie. - I didn't say a word.

He must have just guessed right. Good guess, Sean.

- [ clears throat ] - No, no, no, it's okay.

I-I-I love that you consider me your first.

That's really sweet.

I mean, yeah, I'm pretty sure that counted.

[ stutters ] You're pretty sure?

Why wouldn't it have counted?

Well, you know... I mean, it was fun.

It was just a little, you know, fast.

A little fast?

It was not fast.

I mean, it wasn't any marathon, but it wasn't a 20-yard dash.

All I remember is that the gun went off and it was over.

[ sighs ] That's rough.

With all due respect, I think you're remembering it wrong.

And I don't think you should've slept

with the girl who timed the track team.

- [ sighs ] Brutal stuff. - [ chuckles ]

Uh, listen, I-- yes, I should probably get back to work.

It was really great seeing you.

Oh, yeah, this was awesome.

All right, guys, today I'd like to talk about regrets.

Anybody here ever done something

they wish they could go back in time and correct?

No, Charlie.

We all think it worked out for the best.

I'd like to go back to Monday.

This guy stole my lavender body wash

and I was beating his head against the shower tiles

and I said, "DeAndre, if you yell for the guards,

I'm gonna kill you."

Well, it turns out his name was LeAndre.

Boy, do I regret that.

So embarrassing.

Well, if it's any consolation,

I'm sure he'll get over that very small part of what happened.

Well, a shower beatdown wasn't exactly where I was headed.

Let me give you a little example from my own life.

Back in high school, I knew this girl,

and I really liked her and I wanted to bake her an amazing cake.

But it came out of the oven too soon

and frosting went everywhere.

Ah, I get it.

First time you had sex?

You were a two-pump chump.

Look, I know it's just ego,

but it kills me to know that there's someone out there

that thinks I'm lousy in the sack.

So what's the problem?

Have sex with that cake again and show her who's boss.

The problem is, my ex-wife really hates that cake,

and if she finds out, she'd never speak to me again.

Cleo: You need to take the risk, Charlie.

Otherwise you'll be kicking yourself in that sweet little ass of yours

for the rest of your life.

You're right, you're right.

It is the one blemish in an otherwise-- ahem--

perfect record.

Don't worry about your ex-wife, Charlie.

I did a lot of things my ex-wife didn't want me to do,

including killing my ex-wife.

I hate having to leave.

I don't know why you can't just tell Andy about our arrangement.

Because what you and I are doing is completely immoral

and Andy has something called integrity.

I can't believe you're attracted to someone like that.

- I know, right? - [ knock on door ]

Oh, my God. It's your parents.

- What are they doing here? - I don't know. We're screwed.

What are we gonna do? We're supposed to be living together.

Wait.

We are.

Oh.

Then open the door.

- Surprise! - Hi!

Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.

I think this is your first time in Patrick's apartment,

where we live as an engaged couple.

Hey, Mom, Dad.

After the wedding.

We're sorry to just drop in on you, darling,

but your father had a business meeting here

and it's such a long drive back to San Diego.

Do you mind if we spend the night?

Oh, no problem.

Do you need me to make you reservations?

Any hotel. Where would you like to go? Far away?

We wouldn't think of staying anywhere but with you.

And we wouldn't think of it either.

You've been so generous to us, we'd love to return the favor.

- Right, Patrick? - Sure, we would.

I just have to call my associate

and cancel my business for this evening.

I was hoping to close the deal tonight,

but I guess that can wait.

I'm sure it can.

Now would you please show my father to the guest room?

Don't mind all of my stuff.

I like to use it like a closet.

[ laughs ] You'd think she sleeps in there.

I'm sorry about this, Lacey,

but it was your father's idea to check up on you.

He's worried that you might be marrying Patrick

just for our money.

Money? What money?

I don't even know what money you're talking about.

- The million-dollar gift. - Oh, the million dollars.

That's right. I completely forgot about that.

It's so unnecessary, but we'll take it.

Lacey, my darling.

Wonderful news from your father.

It's not just one night.

They're staying at least a couple of nights.

Our blessings have doubled.

So much so that I think we should celebrate with wine.

Who likes wine? Just me? Okay, then.

And that girl said it was the best sex she'd ever had.

Not just on a train, but anywhere.

That's great.

But I asked you where you live.

- You didn't let me finish. - Mm.

Then I invited her to have sex for hours

at my ranch-style house in the Valley,

which is where I live.

Charlie, you've done nothing

but talk about your sexual prowess since we got here.

That's not true.

I told you I have a beautiful daughter named Sam.

Who you conceived during a marathon slam session.

It was. I mean, it really was.

Sorry about the wait.

Calzone takes a long time.

Just like Charlie here.

You call that being subtle?

Sorry, just coming up with that one took me two hours.

Speaking of two hours, Charlie here--

Thank you, Brett. You can go now.

Okay, look. It just bothers me that you're out there

thinking that I'm Speedy Gonzales or Quick Draw McGraw

or any cartoon character who ejaculates prematurely.

So, what, do you want to have sex again

so you can feel better about yourself?

Yes, thank you. You got it.

It only took me two hours to get you there,

which is a time frame I am completely comfortable with--

Uh...

- enough. - Sorry.

I'll do it.

I-I'm sorry, what?

I'm still pretty easy.

Well, this is great.

But you have to do something for me.

Oh, I'll do it all for you all night long.

I want an apology from Jen

for that little stunt on the football field.

Oh, come on. Nobody remembers that.

Everyone called me a whore at our 20th reunion.

Well, you just said yourself you're easy.

I get an apology, you get your do-over.

Okay, fine. You got it.

Just don't be this bossy in bed.

It gets me a little too excited.

Oh, come on, Jen. It's just one little apology.

No way. I can't believe you went down there and saw her.

Jen, Jen, this woman has moved all over the country

looking for a shred of happiness,

and I believe, as a therapist,

that her problem can be solved by you saying two little words.

Oh, I've got two little words for her.

[ sighs ] Not those words.

Just say, "I'm sorry."

Why do you care so much about this grocery sto' ho?

Because I'm a therapist.

A fireman can't drive past a fire.

A doctor can't drive past a car wreck.

Well, I can't drive past

a sad grocery store ho.

Fine.

Thank you.

If you fill Sean's car with manure.

You've got to be kidding me.

Poo? Caca? Doo-doo?

That guy cheated on me, then he lied about it.

He's full of crap, so I want his car to be, too.

I want it full, I want it stinking.

I want to smell it from here.

All right, fine. I'll do it.

Good.

When I get a picture of his car filled with fertilizer,

I'll go down and apologize to the grocery ho.

Oh, great. Great.

Remember, just try to make it seem like it's heartfelt.

Oh, and her name's Mandy, not Grocery Ho.

Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.

Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.

Father: Don't do that.

[ sighs ]

- They're onto us. - What?

My mom just told me my dad thinks we're doing this for the money.

Okay, tomorrow morning at breakfast,

I will make you a stack of heart-shaped pancakes

with a bacon arrow right through it,

and then I will slap you on the butt and call you my woman.

No, we've got to do something drastic right now.

- Grab the headboard. - What? No, you grab the headboard.

Wait, what are we about to do?

We're gonna grab the headboard

and make it sound like we're having sex.

Good idea.

[ creaking ]

I thought you loved me. What is that?

I'm just warming you up.

I'm not an animal. What do you want?

[ thudding ]

That's how you have sex?

Right out of the gate? What is wrong with you?

I've been thinking about it all day!

You're such a man!

You know what? You're right, I am.

[ thudding increases ]

Are you satisfied?

[ phone chimes ]

Who's Andy?

Lacey, come out here right now!

Lacey: I can't, Mom. We're making love.

Now!

Well, I guess you don't want a grandbaby. What's up?

Look what I found.

A lascivious text message to you from someone named Andy.

Andy? That's not-- [ gasps ]

Integrity Andy. Oh, no.

You found a message tome from Andy on myphone?

How stupid are you that you would ruin

a chance to marry this wonderful man,

who sounds like he loves you very much,

but probably needs to learn a little something about patience?

What's going on?

My mom found myphone.

- But that's-- - My phone, yes. Keep up.

And she read this text message to me

from a man named Andy.

"This is crazy. I need to see you again.

I miss your body. I miss your lips.

I want you so bad." Aw.

Oh-- oh.

I'm so sorry, Patrick, but as you can see,

I've been sleeping with a man named Andy.

You know what? Not a big deal. I'm gonna let it slide.

- You're not angry? - Yeah, you should be angry.

Oh, of course I'm angry. That's a much more realistic reaction.

How dare you?

[ knock on door ]

Hello, it's Andy. We need to talk.

Your lover is here? I'll give him a piece of my mind.

No, you stay right there.

I'll handle this like a man.

Like an angry, angry man.

This may take a while.

What is going on?

I can't tell you right now, but if you love me, you will scream, "Ow."

- Ow! - You love me.

Dude.

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell are you doing up at 6:00 in the morning?

I manage a strip club. I got home, like, an hour ago.

Look, I am really tired.

I'm almost done filling your car with cow crap,

so if you could go to bed or something, that'd be great.

Why would you do this?

Look, Mandy said that the only way that she'd sleep with me again

and let me prove myself is if Jen apologized to her.

Jen said the only way she'd apologize to her

is if I filled your car with cow crap

and sent her a picture of it.

So this whole thing's about getting laid?

Cool.

Just help me pack the rest of this in and we'll go out to breakfast.

No. No, no, no. No, no, no.

You know what? There is absolutely only one way

that I don't call the cops on you.

You get Jen to take me back.

Dude, she asked me to fill your car with manure.

Okay, there is absolutely only one other way.

You get Lacey to take down her new website--

SeanHealyIsACheatingDouchebag. com...

.net, .gov, and .tv.

I think she's planning a cable station of some kind.

But I need the picture now. Can't you just trust me?

How about you take the picture with my phone,

and when the website is down, I'll send it to you?

- Fine. - All right.

Okay, I just need to get one of you

standing in front of the car looking bummed out.

Well, I am pretty bummed out.

Perfect. Say, "Crap!"

Well, the good news is my parents bought it,

but they think Patrick's a violent lunatic

who beat up Andy for two hours.

Hey, you mess around with my wife,

you get dinner and a backrub. That's just the way it is.

So, Lacey, you're still planning on cheating your parents

out of a million dollars?

Yeah, so?

Well, I heard you put up a website

to humiliate Sean for cheating on you.

Yeah, so?

Well, I think it's hypocritical and unhealthy

and you should take it down.

No way. I'm sick of jerks.

Okay, okay. What if I filled up Sean's car with manure

and took a picture of it for you?

That seems really weird, but it works for me.

Ironically, that picture'd be perfect for my website.

So, we have a deal?

I want one more thing.

I want you to make Ed stop reporting me to the immigration service.

I'm a citizen, you crazy old man!

Why don't we let the government decide that?

- Ed... - Oh, all right.

But you've got to make Patrick

quit telling the Social Security people that I'm dead.

Why don't we let the government decide that?

- Patrick... - Damn it, okay.

But you have to tell Nolan to blow his nose.

It's whistling so much he sounds like a traffic cop.

If you blow your nose too much,

it irritates the mucus membranes and then your sinuses can swell

until they grow into your brain and you die.

But I'll do it if you can make Lacey let me brush her hair.

I have a brush.

Lacey?

Fine, but I better get that picture.

You will.

So, everybody, do we have a deal?

- Yeah. - Sure.

- Yeah. - Mm.

All right, I'm getting laid.

[ knocks ]

- Hi. - Hey.

You came early.

Well, I guess it was your turn.

Charlie, you're going to hate me,

but I'm on my way to the airport.

What? Why?

After Jennifer apologized,

I realized that I've been moving all over the country

looking for a shred of happiness,

and now that Jen and I have made our peace,

I feel like I can go home again.

Do you have any idea what I went through to make this happen?

Immigration was called,

hair was brushed, noses were blown.

Okay, I don't understand any of that,

but I have to go.

Wait, wait, wait.

Exactly how long is this flight to Ohio?

Uh, I don't know. About four hours.

Mandy: Wow, that was amazing.

So much better than in my parents' den.

Charlie: Wait, wait, wait, den?

We did it in your sister's bed.

Mandy: Really?

[ Mandy gasps ] Oh, my God, you're right.

Kyle was the one who was fast.

You were great.