All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E42.Charlie.Helps.Lacey.Stay.Rich.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

Patrick.
What's going on with you?
You seem stressed out.

Why should I be?
I paid for my classes

and my books and my Adderall
and now I'm broke.

I'm afraid I'm gonna lose
my apartment.

You should up
your Adderall.

That way you won't need
a place to sleep.

Sometimes I wonder
if I was born under a bad sign.

When I was nine years old--

My life is over!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's wrong, Lace?

Sure, give Lacey the stage.

Who cares what happened to me
when I was nine years old?

Shut up, Patrick.
We've all heard it.

You got strep throat,
you lost the lead
in the school play

and your understudy,
Ryan Gosling, went on to glory.

I'm sure he's not
still upset about that.

It could have been me!

I'm sure that's
about something else.

I don't care.
My parents cut me off.

You mean, in an oxcart?

They're-- they're Indian.

Ed, I've never
done this before,

but I am going to put you
in a racist time-out.

What do I do?
Just sit here and do nothing?

In other words,
a Mexican workday?

Of course that works for any
of you darker skinned people.

Ah!

The Chair recognizes
the childish tantrum.

Thank you.

I just got fired
and now my parents think

I'm a screwup and cut off
my trust fund.

- You got fired?
- I thought you were
doing so well.

This doctor on my
sales route wouldn't
stop trying to grope me.

I understand.

Continue.

So, I did what
you always say, Charlie.

I removed myself from
the situation and left
the building.

So then why would they fire you?
You did the right thing.

Maybe because when
he came out, I hit him
in the neck with a brick.

I know.
How proud
are you of me?

I counted to 10
and everything.

The counting to 10 is not
supposed to be a countdown

to hitting a guy
with a brick.

I gotta start writing
this stuff down.

You keep changing it.

You can't pay your rent
without your trust fund.

But you're welcome
to crash at Chez Nolan.

One bed,
no waiting.

My neighbor's still in jail,
so it's super quiet.

Charlie, you've gotta
talk to my parents.

They're coming over
to dinner tomorrow night.

You have to tell them
that this wasn't
totally my fault

and I'm doing better

so they'll keep
giving me money.
Please.

I don't know, Lace.
It sounds like it's between
you and your parents.

If you do go,
be sure and eat beforehand.

These dotheads don't know
the difference between food...

- Two more minutes, Ed.
- ...and dirt.

Sorry.

[ theme music playing ]

You did not run over
a squirrel.

Yes, I did.
I killed a squirrel.

Dad, will you please
go out there

and see if there's
a dead squirrel?

Sweetie, this is
clearly about your OCD

and I don't want
to reinforce the ritual.

You probably
just hit a pothole.

They're everywhere.

Tons of potholes.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I'm just nervous because
I'm learning to drive.

It was probably
just a pothole.

That was no pothole,
Charlie.

So she hit a squirrel?

Hit it?
She flattened the thing.

It was like something
out of a Wile E. Coyote
cartoon.

We stay with the pothole story
until the day we die.

It now joins we didn't
have sex till we were 18

and Sam was not
an accident.

You're really gonna have
dinner with Lacey's parents

just to prove
she's getting better?

Yes, Michael,
because I care.

Wish I cared that much
about my clients.

After I sell them the house
and my check clears,
I'm done caring.

Like I always say,

let the buyer beware.

Yeah, of you.

Hey, guys, quick.
Turn on the TV.
Channel six.

What's going on?

We just had the best day.

Yeah, we were at the zoo
standing in front of
the monkey pit--

- Monkey house.
- Whatever.

And we saw this
six-year-old girl

fall in with
all those monkeys.

This was your best day?

Man, the war really
changed you guys,
didn't it?

No, no, that
wasn't the best part.
The kid was fine.

But you'll never guess
who's gonna be on the news.

The monkeys?

- Us.
- You were close.

Hey, look, there we are.

Well, we came to the zoo 'cause
it's half-price senior day.

And we were standing
in front of the monkey pit.

- Monkey house.
- Whatever.

Well, all of a sudden,
this one yells out,

"Hey, look at, that monkey
is wearing clothes."

I said,
"That ain't no monkey.
That's a kid."

Well, I'm a veteran,
so I jumped into
action right away.

I grabbed my peanuts
and started throwing 'em
at the monkeys as a diversion.

Yeah, and while he was doing that,

I went and got some more ammo
from the churro cart.

Bottom line,
we kept the monkeys busy.

Security got the kid out.

I ain't never seen
anything like it.

- This man's a hero.
- Ah, hell, we're both heroes.

That's why they call us
the greatest generation.

I-- I think that's
the generation before you.

They're all dead,
so we get to move up one.

Therapy is a process,
but I am impressed with
your daughter's improvement.

Well, now you can imagine
what we've been through.

Pardon my language,
but this spoiled
little bitch

has been impossible
to deal with.

I'm sorry, isn't that
a little harsh?

You're right.
The spoiled little bitch
is challenging to deal with.

Impossible is
a demeaning word.

Mater, Pater,
I made it just
the way you like it.

And for dinner, I made
your favorite chicken.

Of course you have.
I threatened to take away
your trust fund

and now you're trying
to butter me up.

So, how am I doing?

Well, at least
you're dressing more
like a respectable girl.

Can you honestly tell me
as her therapist

that this is how
she dresses every day?

Well, Lacey has
many outfits.

I think she's wearing
about four of them right now.

However, as her therapist,
I can tell you for a fact

that Lacey has developed
a much healthier self-image.

I'm wearing panties now.

You see?
There you go.

And getting there
wasn't easy.

But Lacey is stronger,
more mature

and more responsible
than ever before.

I see.
And do you believe
that she can sustain

a long-term relationship
with a man?

Oh, absolutely.
I think Lacey has
all the tools she needs

to be in a healthy,
loving relationship.

She's ready.

Cool, I'm ready.

What am I ready for?

Next month,
you'll move to India
and get married.

India? Married?

[ timer dings ]

I know you're going
through a lot right now,

but I think
the chicken's ready.

[ gasps ]

If I can interject,
I think an arranged marriage
for Lacey is a very bad idea.

We've had an understanding
for years with the Kumar family

that she will marry
their son, Mahesh.

Mahesh, Mahesh,
the ton of flesh?

I haven't seen him
since he was 12.

How fat is he now?

You can't be so choosy.

You grew up so shamefully,
we nearly had to cancel it.

And be happy.

He's a very successful
businessman in Mumbai.

- And his mother says
he'll get the lap band.
- Ew!

So my option
is to either
live here broke

or marry a fat rich man
and live in a place
that I hate?

See, we're enlightened parents.
We're giving you choices.

I can't marry Mahesh.

Why not?

Because she's already
in a serious relationship.

You are?

Uh, yeah, totally.

And why didn't you tell us?

Because-- you know
the Indian tradition

when you tell your parents
about a new relationship,

you're supposed to shower them
with extravagant gifts first,

which now
you're not gonna get

because Charlie blew it.

Thanks a lot, Charlie.

Now you might
as well just tell
them the whole thing.

Well, first of all,
pardon my cultural ignorance.

Not necessary.
There is no such tradition.

Why don't you,
her esteemed mentor,

who is teaching her
right from wrong,

tell us the truth?

- Okay--
- That he's white.

Yes. Yes. Yes.
He's white.

Like snow.

A handsome professional.
Not too old, not too young.

And just the right height.

How do you know?
Have you met him?

Met him?
He's the one
who introduced us.

Thank you, Charlie.

You're welcome.

So, how long has she been
seeing this boy?

- Six months.
- Five weeks.

Six months
and five weeks...

which some people call
seven months and a week.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mother: Seven months?

You've never been
in a relationship
for seven months before.

Well,

I do love him so

and he's such a handsome
and professional man.

And just the right height.

And for a white guy,
so industrious.

Then we will meet with him.

Oh, no, no.
You can't meet with him because
according to Indian tradition--

Jup.
Tomorrow.

And if we don't approve,
you will marry that
giant Kumar boy.

- Hey, Brett.
- Brett.

Hey, guys.

Look who's here,
everybody.

[ cheering ]

Whoo.

I guess they saw
the news, huh?

No, your video
went viral.

Video?
What video?

You're on YouTube.
You are famous.

What?

- [ music playing ]
- [ auto-tuned ]
♪ We came to the zoo

♪ We were standing
in front of the monkey pit ♪

♪ Hey, look,
that monkey's
wearing clothes ♪

♪ Hey, that ain't
no monkey... ♪

Who wants to buy these guys
a couple of steaks?

[ cheering ]

Hey, we can make this
work for us.

Bring us a couple
of New York strips.

Filet mignon.

- New York strip.
- Filet mignon.

- New York strip.
- Let's save it for
the sequel.

You didn't hit
a squirrel.

It was a pothole,
just like last time.

It wasn't a pothole.
It was a squirrel.

I heard the thump.

Where are you guys driving?
Snow White's backyard?

Just for argument's sake,
say you did hit a squirrel
last week.

What are the odds that
that would happen again?

Yeah, I know.

I'm just being stupid.

She mowed down
another one.

She's like James Bond,
except with a learner's
permit to kill.

It wasn't
totally her fault.

The thing ran right out
in front of us.

I think it smelled
its wife on my tires.

I've got nothing, Charlie.

I can't find one guy.

Are you telling me
you don't know anybody

that can have dinner
with your parents

and pretend to be
your boyfriend
for one night?

I've only dated, like,
five white guys

and two of them were
light-skinned Mexicans.

What about the other three?

Jailed, shot him in the balls,
light-skinned black dude.

So, the line of white guy

moves around for you
a little bit, huh?

Well, what are you gonna do?
What's your plan?

My plan?

My plan is to spritz
a little water on
these muffins,

take 'em to the next room
and pass 'em off as fresh.

That's my plan.

What's your plan?

My plan was to
ask you your plan.

That was my plan.

Lacey, as your therapist,
I'm already breaking rules
left and right.

I never should have had
dinner with your family.

I never should have lied
to cover your butt.

And now--
now I'm trying to pass off
stale muffins as fresh.

Who have I become?

Well, this is jacked up.

I went along with your lie
and now I'm screwed.

If my parents show up
at my house and I don't
have a boyfriend,

then I'm a liar.

This is all your fault.

Maybe I should just
tell them the truth.

If you tell them the truth,
then I'm going to lose my
trust fund allowance.

Well, at least you won't
have to move to India.

And maybe it's not
the worst plan in the world

to start behaving like
a responsible adult.

I can't live
without shoes.

Are you talking about
losing your trust fund
or living in India?

What about Nolan?

Nolan could never
pull this off.

And it's not fair to ask him
to be your fiancé for one night,

then go back to being
your emotional doormat.

I'll do it!

You don't even know
what we're talking about.

If that stopped him,
he'd never do anything.

Well, that was my last idea.
What the hell are we gonna do?

Every time I go out
with friends,

the waiter always
brings me the check.

Why does everyone
think I'm rich?

Is it my style?
My obvious intelligence?

The clever way I complain
about people thinking I'm rich
when you know I love it?

Patrick,

are you free
for dinner tonight?

Sure,

even though this seems
like a trap.

But if you expect me to pay,
you should know

everything I'm wearing
belongs to an old boyfriend.

That's right, I'm gay.

So, you want me
to sit through

this dysfunctional
family dinner,

lie to Lacey's
scary father and then...

pretend to be
in love with her?

It would be
a big help to Lacey.

That's the part
I don't like.

Please, Patrick.

If you don't do this,
I'll be shipped off to India.

You're not helping
your case.

Patrick, buddy.

Buddy?

Sorry, I was
trying something.

Look, if you're
not willing to pretend
to be something you're not

to help someone you don't
even really care about,

then what's
the point of therapy?

Okay, this whole thing
is insane.

Why is everyone
scrambling to help the girl
with the trust fund?

I am the one who needs help.

I can't even pay my rent.
I'm not rich.

I just dress this way.

I'll give you
a thousand dollars
if you do it.

- Two thousand.
- Greedy bastard.

You're really gonna
enjoy riding elephants.

Fine, bitch.
Hope you choke on it.

I cannot tell you two
how proud I am,

because honestly,
I thought it was gonna take,
like, five grand.

Hey, hey,
hey, everybody.
We're back.

The monkey pit guys
from the World Wide Web.

Anybody wanna
buy us a steak?

Or a drink?

Sorry, guys.

I guess your few hours
of Internet celebrity
have passed.

Everybody's moved on.
They're watching a new video.

It's a fat kid getting
pushed down an escalator.

Ah, it doesn't matter.
We're gonna be rich.

How do you figure?

Our video got
four million views.

So even if they only
paid us a dollar per view,

as soon as we get our check
from the Internet,

we'll have enough dough
to buy this whole joint.

That how it works?

Of course it does.

You don't think they show
that stuff for free?

Oh!

Everybody,
the steaks are on us!

[ cheering ]

So, Daddy,
Patrick and I actually met
in Charlie's therapy group.

Oh, you don't say.

So, who did you
shoot in the balls?

It's not a strictly
ball-shooting group.

Although it does improve
your chances of getting in.

[ laughing ]

[ laughing ]

My man.

Actually, Patrick's problem
stemmed from

issues he has
as a professional
successful man

with many
female pursuers.

Not anymore.

So, Patrick, tell me.

What is it that you find
so attractive about
my daughter?

Oh, so many things.

She's glamorous,
she accessorizes well,

and she can go day to night
like nobody's business.

And he loves that--
that she enjoys sports
just as much as he does.

Baseball, basketball,
football.

This guy loves
anything with balls.

And hockey.

So what part of the fashion
business are you in, Patrick?

Design.

Someday I hope
to have my very own line
of women's clothing.

Patrick says
I'm his muse.

Yes. When I look
at her I think,

"How can I cover this up?"

Well, good luck with that.

I've been fighting a losing
battle ever since she was 15.

[ laughing ]

I like you, Patrick.

I can see why Lacey
is so fond of you.

I really am
so very, very fond.

Well, I'd like
to propose a toast.

For many years,

Lacey has given me
nothing but heartache.

She was stubborn, she was rude,
she was disrespectful.

She dressed
like a prostitute.

She bit our mailman
in the leg.

Boy, I hope there's
a "but" coming.

But now I see her

blossoming into
a wonderful wife
and mother.

In fact,
I would like to give this
relationship my blessing.

Lacey, Patrick,

if you do get married,
on the day of your wedding,

as an expression
of my faith in your union,

I will give you
$1 million.

- Lacey,
I know this is sudden--
- Yes, Patrick, yes!

Thank you, Charlie.

I'm shocked to see
that my daughter is
finally getting married.

Well, just think how surprised
his family's gonna be.

Bye, Mommy.
Bye, Daddy.
Thank you.

Thanks, Mom.

Thanks, Dad.

[ screams ]

Are you two crazy?

Yeah, crazy in love--

With a million bucks.

Can you imagine
what we can do with
all that money?

I know, baby.

We'll buy a silver BMW
with black leather seats
and a sunroof.

It's not a convertible?
You know I want a convertible.

Why does it always
have to be what you want?

Oh, my God,
we already sound
like a married couple.

Both: Ah!

You guys can't do this.
Patrick, you're not
marrying Lacey.

So typical.

The straight,
middle-aged white guy

telling the gay man
he can't get married.

This is not about being gay.

This is about tricking
her parents.

Charlie, you started this.

Yeah, but you took
my shameless lie and turned
it into something ugly.

Charlie, be cool

and don't get in the way.

How would you like

a Chevy Malibu?

You think you can
make all this okay by
buying me a Chevy Malibu?

No. I'm giving you
my old one.

I'm getting a BMW
and so is my wife.

- We're getting...
- Both: BMWs!

- Yeah.
- [ knocks on door ]

Mom, you forgot something?

I just want to
talk to Charlie
really quickly.

Sanjay and I want to do
something special for
the matchmaker.

So, go, scoot, scoot.

Okay.

I can't put
my finger on it,

but something about
this whole arrangement
doesn't add up.

Mira, I think this is
one of those times

where you just can't
worry about the traffic.

You just gotta
close your eyes
and cross the street.

If anything goes wrong,
I'm holding you responsible.

I will call my
friends at the American
Psychological Association

and you'll be lucky if you
get a job cleaning bedpans
at a mental institution.

Hey, I cannot control
what happens between
two young people--

Institution!

Institution.

Hey, sweetie.

Bird.

Bus pass?

I'm already on it.

Oh, I think there's a dead bird
on the grill of your--

Already on it.