All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E41.Charlie.and.Sean.and.the.Battle.of.the.Exes.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

Patrick, you seem
pretty pissed today.
What's going on?

Pissed?
Oh, no, I'm not pissed.

Everyone always thinks
I'm so dramatic.

"There's always something
wrong with Patrick."

Well, I'm sorry, folks.
No show today.

All right.
Lacey, what's going on
with you?

I am dying
of loneliness.

Ah, there it is.

The matinee performance
of "Okla-homo."

I can't find anyone
of any substance.

Every guy I go out with
turns out to be a superficial
idiot.

The last guy thought PBS
was a peanut butter sandwich.

That's dumb.
Everyone knows it's
Pabst Blue Ribbon.

"I'll have a PBS."

That's not even
the same letters.

He's right, Lacey.
PBS is a delivery service.

No, that's UPS.

Actually, I was
thinking of FedEx.

Okay, not even
one initial.

Patrick, I get that
you're frustrated,

but why do you think
this keeps happening?

I know this is gonna
sound horrible,

but the reason superficial men
are attracted to me

is I'm too good-looking.

Wow, that must've been
really hard for you to admit.

I understand you,
Patrick.

I, too, suffer
from incredible hotness.

It's a curse.

Everyone's
attracted to this,
not this.

You know what?
That gives me an idea
for an interesting experiment.

Putting a dog
in a wind tunnel?

Great idea.
You think they'll like it,

but let's see
if they reallylike it.

I'm talking about changing
Patrick's appearance.

If you make yourself
unattractive,

you'll know that
people are interested in you
and not just your looks.

[ gasps ]
Ooh, let me help you
be unattractive.

I've done this before.

For one week, I went to a club
without lashes or heels

and every guy I slept with
was really into me for me.

Hey, I took a special effects
makeup class in college.

I can make
a real-lookin' ugly nose.

And Ed can give you
one of his real-lookin'
ugly shirts.

Ed:
Hey.

Well, I guess I do
have something laying around.

You've gotta
pick your battles.

There you are.

What the hell
are you doing here?

If you're not gonna
come to the office,

I'm gonna bring
the office to you.

Look at how much work
has piled up since you
started slacking off.

Uh...

these are
all blank.

Yeah, I know.
I wanted to make
a dramatic statement,

but it's hard
when everything's digital.

Look at how much work
has piled up since you
started slacking off.

I get it.

So, should I lose this
in the couch cushion now

or let it
happen naturally?

Hey, Charlie,
you got a second?

Oh, hey, Sean.
Jordan, you two remember
each other, right?

Of course.

Uh, no.

But you remember me
and I totally get that.

Well, I've got
work to do.
So do you.

Maybe between making forts
and looking at porn,

you could stop
by the office.

If we had a table saw,
I bet we could make
an awesome fort.

Yeah, that's where
we could watch our porn.

[ groans ]

[ door closes ]

So, what's the deal
with you and Jordan?

You guys, uh... hmm.
[ gurgles ]

Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no.

She's too...

because of all the...

makes me just wanna...

Hey, so where do we stand
with the whole Jen thing?

Did you put in
a good word for me yet?

I'm sorry,
I just don't see Jen
as the right pick for you.

Tell you what, you forget
about Jen and I'll throw in
two IHOP waitresses

and a part-time lesbian
letter carrier to be
named later.

Cheryl?
I already banged her.

Oh, come on, brah.

Jen and I have an
incredible connection.

I'm just-- I'm worried
that somebody else

is gonna grab her up
before I do.

Cheating on her
is the dumbest thing
I've ever done.

Other than the time
you zip-lined across
that bonfire

wearing
a marshmallow suit.

- That was a great night.
- One of the best.

Please, just
put in a word for me.
I'll never ask again.

Fine, but if
she's insane enough
to take you back

and you cheat
on her again,

I will hunt you down,
kill you,

and leave you to rot
in the porn fort.

[ theme music plays ]

This was a great idea,
Charlie.

Exactly what I needed.
Margarita Monday.

- It's Thursday.
- Even better.

This is so nice
seeing you exes get along.

My first husband was so bitter,
he drove off with the house.

- You lived in a trailer?
- No.

I can't thank you enough
for getting me out.

My social life
is a wreck.

I keep going out with
all these one-date dorks.

At this rate, I'm never
gonna get laid again.

- I might have
a solution for you.
- What?

- Have sex
on the first date.
- Charlie.

I'm joking, but I do
have someone in mind for you
and you already know him.

Oh, yeah? Tell me
more about "him."

Well, you're probably
gonna say no.

- Don't be so sure.
- Okay.

- Sean.
- Blah-hh!

Well, you didn't say no.

I hate him.

I hate him, I hate him,
I hate him,

I hate him,
I hate him, I hate him.

Look, I have mixed feelings
about him, too.

But he asked me
to talk to you.

He really wants
to see you again.

Forget it.

The only women
who'd want Sean

are screwed-up party girls
with no self-esteem.

Besides, I thought
you were talking about
someone else.

- Who?
- You.

Me?

I knew you were gonna say me.
I just thought I'd act
surprised.

What's the big deal?

We hooked up that one time
a couple months ago.

It was pretty good.

I'm down
for that again.

Aren't you?

I bet that seemed sexier
in your head.

It really did.

Then let's go back
to my place.

But we cannot
tell Sean.

Why, are you
cheating on him?

A little.

All right, we're
gonna talk about anger
and racial intolerance.

The sign around your neck
represents the race you're gonna
be for today's session.

I think we're very
racially tolerant in here.

Cleo, last week,
you called someone
a "beaner."

And, Ernesto, you used
the word "chinky."

And, Wayne, your manifesto
on keeping the white race pure

is a jailhouse
bestseller.

I usedto be
a white supremacist.

Then I was just
proud to be white.

Now I'll be happy
if there are still white people
around in 50 years.

Well, that's a slightly
healthier attitude.

Yeah, I mean,
with all these Mexicans

humping and pumping
out babies--

Oh, don't you talk
about my people that way.

We are proud descendants
of "Aztekian" warriors.

We can't help it
if we wanna make love
and sleep all day.

You'd better
watch what you're saying
about Mexicans.

What are you
worried about?

You're Asian.

I get the feeling
he's one of those Asians
that loves Mexicans.

Yeah, that's
exactly what I am.

And if he says stuff
like that again,

I will kung fu
his Mexican black ass.

All right, well, this was
a complete train wreck.

Experiment's over.
Turn in your signs.

You don't know what it's like
in prison, Charlie.

Your race defines you.
It helps you survive.

You're just a white guy
living on the outside.

Yeah, what's
the biggest problem you've
had in the last 24 hours?

You wanna know?

I'm having sex
with my ex-wife,

and I'm just worried
that if my buddy,

who really likes her,
finds out,

then it's gonna
hurt his feelings.

[ all laugh ]

You are
so white, bro.

Maybe you should
discuss this with your
friends at the bank.

[ all laughing ]

He said, "At the bank."
He's funny.

He's gonna find out,
Charlie.

It's just
a matter of time,

and the longer you wait
to tell him,

the worse
it's gonna get.

Just find a way
to soften the blow.

Like when they give you
your last meal

before they put you
in the electric chair.

You're thinking,
"Oh, crap, I'm gonna die.

Oh, boy.
Salisbury steak."

You're right,
I'll talk to him tomorrow.

It's just stupid for me
to sit around

waiting for him
to get hit by a car.

You want me
to make a call?

Our kind's
gotta stick together.

Man, gay bars
are really cool.

Everybody's friendly,
the music's good,

and the bathroom attendants
are really helpful.

There are no
bathroom attendants.

Well, whoever that was,

my shoulders
feel a whole lot better.

Can we go now?

I think I've learned a lot.

No one's gonna love me for me
and I'm gonna die alone.

Maybe you need to just
put yourself out there
a little more.

People are probably
just intimidated by you.

I bet that's what you
tell all your ugly friends.

Oh, I totally do.

But then when they take
my advice and get out there--

They humiliate themselves
and go home alone?

Yeah, but I did my part,
so I feel great.

That's it.
I'm done.

You're not leaving,
are you?

I was just gonna
come over and talk to you.

You want
to talk to me?

Have you seen this?
Oh, no, you're blind.

Oh, no, no.

I just saw you
and your smile
and I thought,

"This guy's got a nice vibe.
I'd like to meet him."

I'd like to think
that I am a nice guy.

Let me just go say
goodbye to my friends.

Get the hell
out of here, losers.
You're crowding me.

Hey, got your text.
What's up?

Ooh-- boy, that's
a really nice table saw.

Yeah, I went over to Home Depot
to pick up a roll of duct tape
and a light bulb,

and I saw this and I thought,
"Didn't Sean mention that
he wanted one of these?"

So I bought it
for you.

That's weird.
What are you doing?

Look, I talked to Jen.

I can't remember
exactly what she said,
but it was something like,

"I hate him, I hate him,
I hate him, I hate him,
I hate him, I hate him."

There was
something else.

Oh, yeah.
"I hate him."

And you felt bad for me,
so you bought me a table saw.

No, I felt bad for you
after I had sex with her,

and then I bought you
a table saw.

Let's make something.

Wait, you were supposed
to be talking to Jen for me

and you ended up
having sex with her?

Yeah, but I talked
about you first.

You know what?
I have to be cool
with it, right?

I mean, she is
your ex-wife.

So we're good?

[ sighs ]

Yeah.
It's love and war, man.

She made her choice.
We're great.

You know what?
No, we're not.
We're not great.

And I will not
be bought out
with a table saw.

- What about
a riding mower?
- No.

You broke
the brah code, bro.

I think you mean,
"You broke the
bro code, brah."

I'm sorry,
but you said it yourself.
She made a choice.

You were the only dude
that was there.

That's not a choice, man.
That's Communism.

Are you accusing me
of being a Communist?

[ laughs ]
You know what?

She is gonna
make a choice again,

and this time,
she is gonna choose me.

So you hang onto your table saw
for that broken heart

because it is gonna
need some mending.

But a table saw
cuts things.

Shut your face.

You know
what I mean.

All right, well,
if you don't want it,
I'll just have to return it.

I still want it.

See? I shouldn't
have said that

because now you're
probably gonna have sex
with it, aren't ya?

Hey.

Oh, I guess
you're waltzing in here
at 3:00 in the afternoon

because you spent all morning
reading the report I wrote.

Well, I read
the first few words,
then fell asleep.

I hit my head at the keyboard
and generated a series
of random letters

that were far more compelling
than anything you wrote.

That's because you missed
a couple special words I put
in there just for you.

They start with "B"
and end with "low me."

See? If you'd started
with a zinger like that,
I might've stayed awake.

Well, have fun rewriting it
by yourself tonight

because I have a date.

Oh, yeah?
What's his name?

Does it start
with an "S"

and end with
"taying at home with my cat"?

As a matter of fact,
it does start with an "S."

I'm going out with
your friend Sean tonight.

- Excuse me?
- Yeah, I ran into him
a few days ago at Starbucks.

Sean didn't run into you.
He's a predator.

He ran into you
like a hungry wolf
runs into a chipper...

blonde little
alcoholic bunny.

So he's pursuing me.
What's wrong with that?

Has he slept with you?

No, that doesn't happen
until the third date,

which is tonight.

He's been
a complete gentleman.

A complete gentleman
who is gonna hump you
and dump you

and you're gonna get hurt.

The last thing I need
is to come into work

and listen to you cry
any more than you already do.

You know what?

I'm a smart bunny
and I know the difference

between a wolf
and a good guy.

Now, goodbye.
I have to get ready.

Sean is coming
over tonight...

and he's going to have
intimate knowledge of my body

and then we are going to
stare into each other's eyes
until the sun comes up.

Yeah, if you want him
to stay that long,

you'd better have
intimate knowledge of how
to tie him to the bed.

[ laughing ]

You know, I know
we've only known each other
a couple of days,

but I feel like
you're the first person
who really knows who I am.

You know
what's funny?

The other night when we met,
I'd almost given up

on finding
somebody real.

Then I met you.

I am so real.

To us.

Oh.
[ laughs ]

You got a little
something on your--

So, you wanna
go back to my place?

Your nose is, uh...

what the hell's
going on with your nose?

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.

You weren't supposed to
find out like this.

Find out what?

I'm handsome.

Why would you
do this?

My therapist told me
to dress like this

because I said
I wanted to meet someone

who didn't hit on me
just because I'm so
good-looking.

My therapist told me
to only approach
unattractive men

because I said
I wanted to meet
someone of substance

instead of the pretty boys
I'm always chasing.

So you're superficial?

Oh, big time.
That's why I never
tried to kiss you.

- You were so ugly.
- Oh, I know.

I wouldn't have
kissed me either.
I was hideous.

We are both
such terrible people.

I know, we have
so much in common!

If you don't look too close,
we're perfect for each other.

- Wait, what kind
of car do you drive?
- A Porsche I can't afford.

Oh, my God.
You are amazing.

All right, sex time.
Upstairs. Move it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
that's it?

- What am I, a piece of meat?
- You want romance?

I got beer, I got Funyuns.
Let's do this.

Excellent.
Bring those Funyuns upstairs.
I have an idea.

[ phone rings ]

Oh, God.

Sean.

"Hey, I know stuff's
been weird with us,

but Charlie
introduced me to someone

and it's serious,
so I won't be bothering
you anymore.

Hope we can be friends.
Smiley face."

Wait, wait, wait.
He actually wrote out
the words "smiley face"?

Emoticons confuse him.
God, he's such an idiot.

And why does he even think
I care about him being
with another girl?

I don't know.
I told him you
weren't interested.

Not interested?
I hate him!

So who is she?
Is she prettier than me?

What? Nobody could answer
a question like that.

I'd never ask you if Sean
was better-looking than me.

- He is.
- You see? You see?

There are no answers
to these questions.

So she's pretty
and you introduced them.

She's just this doctor
that I was forced to work
with on the study.

She's a doctor?

Not some skanky stripper
covered in tattoos?

Oh, my God, so she's
real girlfriend material.

That's it.

That's why Sean's
dating Jordan.

- He wants to
make you jealous.
- That bastard.

And I wasn't jealous.

Now she's gonna
throw herself at him
and be totally humiliated.

- Give me your phone.
- Why?

Because I am not
gonna be outsmarted

by a guy who doesn't
understand emoticons.

[ spray hisses ]

[ humming ]

You're early, baby.

I hope you're hungry.

I just shaved dessert.

Wow.

Charlie, what
are you doing here?

I'm getting ready for Sean.
He's gonna be here any minute.

That's exactly
why I'm here.

Look, you cannot
sleep with Sean tonight.

I can prove that
he's using you and--
holy crap.

What's with
all the horses?

What? I like horses.

I hope so, otherwise
you're in a full gallop
to "Crazy Acres."

Look, I finally figured out
why Sean's seeing you.

Me, too. He likes horses.
He told me last night.

No.

See this phone?
It belongs to my ex-wife.

That's whose ice
he really wants to shave.

What is that
supposed to mean?

Oh.

Ugh.

He's using you
to make her jealous
to get her back.

Look at the text
he wrote.

Oh, he says we're serious.
That is so sweet.

- [ giggles ]
- [ sighs ]

[ knock on door ]

Okay, all right.

Let's see what happens
when Jennifer sends him this.

"Get over here right now.
I want you back."

How do you do
a winky face?

Ah, I'll just
spell it out.

- Answer the door.
- This is insane.

Hi.
[ gasps ]

Are those for me?

Baby, I am so sorry.
I just got a text

from my Grandma...
Rose.

And she just got in
a horrible car accident.

Your grandma texted you?

That's how she got
in the accident.

I'm gonna take these
to the hospital.

It's probably--
I'll call you, okay?

[ sighs ]

Gosh.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

Can I see that phone?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, it's Jen.

Changed my mind.
Too horny to wait.

Meet me at the corner
of Lankershim and Roscoe.

Wait in your car, naked.

What's that gonna do?

Nothing,
until I call the cops

and tell them there's
a naked guy in his car

on the corner of
Lankershim and Roscoe.

Hey.

Hey.

So, I just got
out of jail.

Coffee?

That's
very clever.

Rather large group
of parishioners

from "Our Lady of Let's All
Look At Sean's Package"...

they got
a pretty full show

when the cops pulled me
out of the car.

That was all Jordan,

but the first text
from Jennifer,

that was all me.

Sugar?

Yeah, thanks.

Truce?

Truce.

Listen, Jordan
sent me a text

and I want
your honest opinion.

Now, she said that
she really misses me

and that she can get
over what happened,

but I need to get naked,
handcuff myself to my bed,

and leave the front door
unlocked.

Well, I'm not surprised.
She said she really liked you.

Cool, see you later.

This is a trap,
isn't it?

Yep.

I'm gonna
take my chances.