Original subtitles

I expect Charlie to be late because of his nervous breakdown

that we're all pretending is a phase.

Where's Patrick?

I'm watering his plants for him.

He said he was going to San Francisco for the weekend.

Sacramento, not San Francisco.

Oh, he'll get there eventually. They always do.

Buenos días, mis amigos.

I am back from Baja.

My sidekick.

His name is Also Charlie.

We have had many adventures.

He is muy cansado.

And now he must go to sleep.

Bedroom's upstairs.

Buenas noches, Also Charlie.

All right, Angry Birds. Let's get this thing going.

Here's your mail.

It's been stacking up since you've been away.

I was only gone a day.

I mean, mentally went away.

Oh, yeah. It has been a while.

Oh, hey, look at this.

The court is assigning a new patient to our group.

What? I don't like change.

I need time to mentally prepare myself.

Don't worry. It says here he's not coming till next week.

[ doorbell rings ]

Oh, crap. It is next week.

I'll tell you what, I'll walk slowly to the door so you can prepare.

Thanks, man.

I had to park my damn Escalade in the sun.

Plant a tree, bitch.

I prefer Charlie.

But you're new, so you didn't know.

Everybody, this is Ray James II.

Don't you mean Ray James, Jr.?

People only say "the second" if they're royalty.

And I think the only king

this guy's been close to is the burger variety.

No, you ignorant hillbilly.

It is Ray James II.

Junior is the name of some dumbass redneck

who's going to be poor his whole life.

So move your feet, Junior, because I am a king

and I'm about to hold court on your backwoods ass.

Excellent.

So, Ray, it says here that you

own the Prestige Escort Service.

"We're so classy, it's stupid."

Oh, my God. He's a pimp.

Ooh. And what kind of curry-flavored delight do we have here?

You are spectacular.

Hi. I'm Lacey.

So yet another rule I didn't think I'd ever have to put on the books.

No turning out hoes in group.

She's not a hooker, she gives it away.

Thank you, Ed-- wait.

So, Ray, it says here you had some difficulties with your financial advisor.

Right. Which I resolved with a sternly written letter.

I don't see what's wrong with that.

Yeah, probably the part where you made him eat it while you, quote,

"beat him silly with the flagpole from an elementary school."

Yow.

I do not feel good about that.

I should never have disrespected the flag.

I remember elementary school.

That's it.

I'm just happy when I remember some stuff.

Well, the bitch-ass had it coming.

He cooked the books like Betty Crocker

and took every penny.

But don't worry about your bill, I will make it right.

[ phone chiming ]

Excuse me.

I've got to take this.

Fine, I'llleave.

Good afternoon. You've got Prestige.

We're so classy, it's stupid.

I don't like that guy.

Who wants to vote him out?

Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We do not judge people.

Everybody who comes here for help is welcome.

Here's another reason why we don't vote--

who wants Ed out?

Does that mean I get to go get a beer?

No... but if you're going to the kitchen, I'll take one.

[ theme music playing ]

Dude, I don't know what's going on with me and women,

but I wish I could bottle it

'cause I swear, I just can't miss.

And yet here you stand... alone.

That's because I haven't tried yet.

Watch. Watch this.

You see that? You see what I'm doing?

No, I don't.

I got a whole new smolder.

Yeah, I don't see anything different.

That's 'cause you're a dude.

That girl saw it. Ahem.

Just going to reel this one in.

- Hey. - What's up?

This is going to sound weird, but are you Charlie Goodson?

The baseball player?

I used to be a baseball player, but now I'm a therapist.

You want to get out of here?

Sure. We should really work on your shyness.

I'm sorry... [ chuckles ]

What-- what just happened here?

Wait, if you and I leave,

then this guy has no way to get home.

So... let's go.

Okay, that is the first time anybody's ever done that.

At least in that sequence.

Oh, yeah. We totally discovered that.

We're like the Lewis and Clark of sex.

We're like Admiral Byrd.

Yeah, except with a much more fun race to the pole.

Exactly.

I like how I say things and you say things back. When can I see you again?

Yeah, about that.

There's something you need to know about me.

You're married?

'Cause I got to be honest with you.

At this point in my life, I don't see wedding rings,

I just see people.

Not even close.

You know Ray James?

The first or the second?

I work for him.

Please tell me it's the first.

I'm pretty sure his dad was a plumber.

He had a session with you,

so in exchange,

you got a session with me.

You're an escort.

So you didn't really recognize me from baseball.

I did recognize you from a sports blooper on YouTube.

Look, I was just supposed to hit on you and close the deal.

Ray didn't want you to say no.

Are you upset?

You know what?

At this point in my life,

I don't see escorts, I just see people.

Great 'cause I'd like to see you again.

All you got to do is call me.

I mean, you know,

call my pimp.

So what do you say we head over to the Merry Peasant tonight?

I make a great wingman.

I don't really need a wingman.

I know, but I do.

My solo game looks more like

lurking and loitering.

One girl said I look menacing.

What do you do? You just stand in the shadows staring at them?

Kind of.

I thought it made me look like a mysterious loner.

Have you ever-- in your entire life--

ever heard the phrase "mysterious loner"

used to describe someone that

wasn't a serial killer or an assassin?

What are you guys doing here?

Neither one of us has a hoop at our house, so we're using yours.

So why are you eating my cereal?

Neither one of us had any cereal at our house, so we're using yours.

I got to go.

- Hi, guys. - You know, neither of us have girls at our house--

No.

Oh, I'm sorry.

This is Sean from the bar last night and my friend Michael.

- I was actually there last night, too. - You were?

Yeah, I was sort of lurking in the shadows.

Yeah? You should stop that.

Okay, so tomorrow night? Basketball game?

Is that a euphemism?

No.

Hockey game. That's a euphemism.

I say we go to the hockey game first.

Bye, sweetie. Give Ray a call, set it up.

You got it.

Who's Ray?

Her pimp. Is there any cereal left?

You're sleeping with a hooker?

Her pimp is in my group,

so he's paying for my services with her services.

Cool. Well, most of this is gone,

but there's some granola over there in the pantry.

And I knew there was a reason why she chose you over me.

Are we focus on the wrong thing here?

you're sleeping with a hooker.

Ok ok. First of all she is not a hooker. she is an escort.

It's not like that. she is really nice girl.

doesn't matter how nice she is. she is still a hooker

Hey, hey.

Just 'cause she works in the sex industry

doesn't mean that she wouldn't be a good girlfriend.

Would you date a hooker?

I was a hooker.

And I was damn good at it,

but I still deserve to be loved.

You were a hooker?

Damn it! Why is everyone so much cooler than me?

Listen, pal.

How often do you run across a girl

that you actually want to hang out with, right?

Now if she's one of them, I say you go for it.

You're right. I do want to date her, so what the hell?

But I'm not paying every time I see her.

The only way to keep dating her is if her pimp stays in my group.

So what's the problem with that?

Well, it turns out Lacey the testicle sniper,

Ed the racist, and Nolan the pothead stalker

aren't comfortable with having Ray the pimp around.

Hey, guys. Thanks for coming in early.

Now look, I know you'd like me

to kick Ray out of the group,

but I'd like you to give him another chance.

He makes me extremely uncomfortable.

And usually I'm only very uncomfortable.

Well, sure, but don't think of him as a pimp.

Think of him as a guy

who looks like a young Captain Crunch...

with a ship full of prostitutes.

But he's a jackass.

I don't care if he's a pimp.

Hell, my granddad was a pimp.

He ran the Hump and Pump outside of Baton Rouge.

Is that a gas station with prostitutes?

Yes, ma'am.

Look, just because he's new and looks a little different

and threatened to bitch-slap Nolan for making eye contact,

you guys want to throw him out?

- I'm very disappointed. - God, why do you care so much?

That guy is such a jerk.

He's not even paying you.

He is paying me.

With--

what is that feeling you get when you help someone?

I think-- I think it begins with a S.

Shame?

Is it shame?

No, but whatever it is, that's what I'm getting out of this.

[ doorbell rings ]

Look, I know he made a bad first impression,

but I'm sure this time, he'll be on his best behavior.

[ growling ]

These two Nazi dogs will make sure of it.

Sorry, I brought the dogs. They ate something bad.

I didn't want them to go dookie in my house.

That's very considerate of you.

It's not a problem. Now about the animals--

do not look directly at the dogs,

don't make any sudden movements near me

or around me which may startle the dogs.

Other than that, let's have a great session.

Any reason we can't just tie them up outside?

Joggers.

All right, well, then let's get started.

Ray: Oh, I just remembered.

These dogs are trained to kill.

There is a trigger word which you may never use.

Are you going to tell us what it is?

I forgot.

However, I do remember it's got two syllables.

So we safe

if just use

short words?

Sure.

I no like make waves...

but bad man wreck thing.

Hey, Chuck, we had 'nough.

We be here first.

He go.

You know you can say goes.

This suck.

Sucks.

That's it.

We leave, no come backs.

Guys, this is ridiculous.

- The dogs won't attack. - Ah, that's the word. "Attack."

That's the code word?

I forgot we changed it. It used to be cranberries,

but there was an incident last Thanksgiving.

Come on, you know the rules.

Every time one of the ballplayers adjust themselves,

- we take a drink. - Charlie, I've had three beers in 15 minutes.

I have never seen guys pull at their crotch so much.

All right, I admit, I kind of cheated.

I checked the weather in Cincinnati, I knew it was going to be humid.

Listen, I wanted to talk to you about Ray.

- What about him? - I'm going to have to kick him out of my group.

The problem is once he's out,

you and I are going to have to stop seeing each other.

Damn, this sucks.

I've been thinking a lot about your job,

which is why I wanted you to meet Brett.

- Brett, this is Sasha. - Hey.

You both worked in the same field.

You're kidding. You worked in a slaughterhouse

killing cows with an electric bolt gun?

No, no, no, no.

She works in the private entertainment industry.

- Charlie! - It's okay, hon. I used to be a madam.

No offense, but how did you end up here?

Well, I did pretty good for a couple years,

then I bought an ostrich farm.

I thought it was going to be the new steak.

It's not.

Tell her what you think she should do with her pimp.

Lose him. You're the one doing all the work,

he's making all the money until a younger, prettier girl comes in

and he kicks you out and there you are,

walking the streets.

Yeah, I know.

I always think about that.

Well, then just do it. Lose the guy.

Just like that?

Yes. There's a million other things you could do.

Then you can date whoever you want.

I mean, I might have to start charging you,

but we'll talk about that later.

Okay.

Okay, what?

I'm going to do it.

That's awesome.

Let's get a table,

order a couple of ostrich steaks,

send them back because they suck, and then go home and celebrate.

I would love to, but I'm going to go.

I got to do it now before I lose my nerve.

I'll call you later? And not Ray, you.

Hey, uh, you've got your affairs in order, right, Charlie?

Like, you know, funeral arrangements, headstone, plot of land.

Why?

'Cause this pimp's going to kill you.

What are you talking about?

It just occurred to me.

Every time a girl would leave the life,

it always had something to do with the last guy she was with.

Oh.

Well, let's keep our fingers crossed that the girl that I like

had sex with somebody after me.

[ knocks on door ]

Oh, crap.

Hey, Ray, what's up?

Let me in. I got to talk to you.

About what?

Something I'm angry about.

Yeah, I don't really do that anymore.

I just deal with phobias now.

I'm afraid I'm going to kill someone.

That's a phobia, right?

Well, technically, no.

What's in the bag, Ray?

All my guns.

So a bag of guns, you say.

All right, good to see you. Thanks for stopping by.

Come on, man!

You're my therapist.

You're the only guy I trust to hold these for me.

Give me the guns, Ray.

She's gone, man.

The bitch is gone.

Sorry to hear that.

Give me the guns, Ray.

You don't even know who I'm talking about.

You're right, I don't, but as a therapist, I know that when a bitch is gone,

it's a good time to breathe

and hand over your bag of guns.

It's Sasha, man.

Did she say anything to you about leaving?

Only after every time we had sex.

She'd say, "Good-bye, I'm leaving."

That's the only leaving I ever heard about.

She quit, Charlie. My biggest earner.

It's going to cost me tens of thousands of dollars.

Okay, look, I know that's got to hurt,

but maybe it was just time for her to leave the life.

"Leave the life"?

She took three of my other girls and moved across the country somewhere

to start her own damn escort service.

The bitch did what?!

Yeah. Right?

She just up and she left.

- So... no good-bye? - Nope.

Not even a thanks for all the good times, the best sex I ever had?

Nope-- what?

I never had sex with Sasha.

You know, Charlie, you're a good therapist.

It's like you can feel what I'm feeling right now.

Oh, I can feel it.

Would you be offended if I wanted to sit on your couch

for a couple of hours and just get drunk?

Would you be offended if I joined you?

Hell, no.

Want to shoot some guns in the backyard?

Sure, but only if we're drunk.

And never in anger.

I found some gay cookies, some gay pretzels,

some gay soda pop,

and some Lorna Doones.

The gay on that one's implied.

Okay, since we're boycotting Charlie,

I guess I'll just be the therapist.

Why do you always get to be the therapist?

Because I've made the most progress with my anger!

God, what a stupid question.

Ed, last week we were talking about

how your dog died when you were a child.

I would diagnose your anger problems

as having to do with all kinds of childhood things,

and also feelings.

Okay, now it's my turn to be a therapist.

Nolan, is there something you want to share with the group?

No, I don't think I can talk about that.

It's okay. This is a safe place.

All right, sometimes I talk to myself.

Is that what you want me to say?

No, that's what you needed to hear.

Boy, you need an awful lot of help.

[ knocks on door ]

I thought I might find you guys here.

We don't need you.

We're having our own session with awesome food

and heart-wrenching breakthroughs

and nothing barking and slobbering at us.

If you don't count Ed.

Well, don't worry. The dogs won't be coming back.

I found Ray a new therapist

and I dropped the hooker.

That's how important you guys are to me. I dropped the hooker.

The one I never told you about.

So forget about that.

We don't need you anymore, Charlie.

We've found that we can help each other.

All right, everyone who believes that, stay here.

Everyone else, follow me back to my place.