All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E36.Charlie.and.the.Grad.Student.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

So, Ed, you seem
pretty angry today.

What the hell's up
with that?

Well, I'm angry because
living with your father's

putting me
in the poorhouse.

We pool our grocery money
and he wastes it

by buying
brand-named sandwich meat

and his two-ply,
quilted toilet paper.

Well, he always had a taste
for the finer things.

Ahh.
Nectar of the gods.

- Charlie?
- Yeah.

I know you're going
through some stuff

with what's-her-name
leaving and all,

but how long are you
planning on being weird?

You mean being
a white-hot comet
of awesome?

Look, the way
to resolve problems

is to sit down
and talk it out

like reasonable adults.

I was with this lady
last night

and we're having
a disagreement

about whether
we should continue
seeing each other or not.

But we talked it out
and it's over.

- [ knocking on door ]
- Woman: I know you're
in there!

You can't just
ignore me, Carl!

And by the way,

I took down
your license plate.

I know your name's
Charlie!

[ whispering ]
Another way to
resolve problems

is to be very quiet
and pretend you're not home.

Woman:
I can see you,
you jerk!

Yo, Carl,
I think she can see you.

All right, looks like
I have to go deal with this.

You douche!

So what
really happened

is you slept with some ho-bag,
gave her a fake name,

and then ran off
without talking
to her ever at all.

Lacey, you know nothing
of my personal life.

Which makes the fact

that you're absolutely right
so remarkable.

Hey, she left.

You see, this is a potentially
a very volatile situation,

but I defused it
by not engaging.

- [ glass shatters ]
- [ car alarm blaring ]

She smashed
your windshield.

- Aren't you going
to do something?
- [ glass shattering ]

You know what?

I made a mistake
and I'm paying the price.

And it doesn't look like
I'm getting a discount.

[ theme music playing ]

Hey, Charlie,
you got a few minutes?

- I need your help
with something.
- I can't.

An old professor of mine
asked me to lecture at
his class tomorrow

and I don't know what the hell
I'm going to talk about.

Maybe you should talk about
the Loch Ness Monster.

I wish.

It's got to be
something to do
with therapy.

Oh, that sucks.

You got
a screwdriver?

Ahem. I found
a secret door

in the basement
of my new place,
but it's locked.

I'm kind of hoping
it's a wine cellar.

No, I'm pretty sure
the guy next door
had a sex dungeon.

Really?
Why would you say that?

Because the sounds
I heard coming out of
that house at night

were not coming
from a fine Cabernet.

Oh, hey, did you know that
somebody smashed the crap
out of your windshield?

Yeah, I spent the day
running errands on
my daughter's bike.

You ever show up to
a parent-teacher meeting

on a pink Schwinn?

There are questions.

- Let me guess,
crazy girl?
- Extremely.

God, crazy girls
are the best.

Yeah, they're wild as hell
to hang out with

and the sex is incredible.

You never know
what the hell is going
to happen. Hmm.

Well, that's the problem.

I am all about fun
right now,

but I am done
with the insanity.

No more crazy girls.
Never again.

I get it. I know.
You know what
the problem is

is that there's no real
good way of ending it

with girls like that.

I've changed jobs
and moved.

Faked my own death
and they're there.

They're there
at the funeral.

You know, and they're not
even subtle about it.

I mean, they show up
dressed like whores.

God, I love 'em.

I miss 'em already.

Hey, guess who was
checking me out
on the stairs.

That redhead in 1b.

She can't keep
her eyes off me.

She's legally blind.

Well, she can
still see shapes.

You want to explain
this tube of toothpaste

I found in the trash?

Look here.

This is what
you threw away.

Oh, get off my back.

You know very well
I'm doing the best I can.

Look how much I've saved
on razor blades.

Woman: Will you two shut up?

You're going to wake up my baby.

It's not a real baby!

It's a foster baby
and it's seven!

Hey! Shh.

Keep it down.

No. The only reason
she's got that kid

is for the fat check
she scams

- out of the government
to take care of it.
- Oh, come on.

It's a good thing
when the government pays people
to take care of others.

It's like when the VA
sometimes hires people
to take care of vets.

What?

Yeah, you know how they
hire qualified people

to set up little
halfway houses

so some of the vets
coming home from the war

can have a nice place to live
instead of the hospital.

What if you don't spend
all the money on the vet?

Do you get
to keep the extra?

What are you thinking, Ed?

I'm thinking
it's our patriotic duty

to set up
a halfway house.

I mean, if Uncle Sam's
going to throw money around
like a drunk sailor,

I'm going to be
at the port

with my skirt hiked up.

So I've been up here
for a while

trying to give you guys
a real speech--

notecards and everything.

Ahh. Screw it.

Here's what
I really think...

My old professor told me
that I would be speaking

to the best
and brightest today.

But all I see is a bunch
of arrogant little pricks

who think they're better
than the patients they're
going to be helping.

- Excuse me. Are you
gonna take any--
- Shut up.

The truth is

you are as screwed up
as your patients.

But that is the only
honest way that you're
going to connect to them.

Look at me.

I am an awesome,
brilliant therapist.

Why?

I have anger issues,
I drink too much,

and there's a good chance
I'm a sex addict.

You.
What's your problem?

What is going to make you
a great therapist?

I can't use
public restrooms.

Because?

There's ghosts in them.

Well, duh.

But, see, you could be
the next Freud.

So what I'm saying is
you owe it to your patients

to be balls-out crazy.

They deserve it.

Thank you.

Oh, and the future is yours,
blah, blah, blah.

[ applause ]

- Mr. Goodson.
- Oh!

Oh, hello.

- I scared you.
- Don't worry about it.

No, I meant to.

I loved your lecture.

Me, too.

I mean, the person
you're describing,

that's me.

I'm so screwed up.
You have no idea.

No, I have an idea.

Is there any way

I could sit in on
your therapy group
and watch you work?

- You won't
even know I'm there.
- I don't know.

- I kind of made
a promise to myself.
- Please.

I want to be
as good at therapy

as I am bad
at choosing men.

What was that promise?

That I would say yes
to more things.

So when did you know

you were screwed up
enough to be a therapist?

When does the sun know
it's shiny enough?

When does water know
it's wet enough?

When do I know
the coffee's ready?

Little light goes on.

So I got
the basement door open

and you were right,
it is a sex dungeon.

I'm Sean.
I have a sex dungeon.

Cool. I designed
a sex dungeon for my
medieval sexuality class.

- That's a real class?
- Not yet.

Right now
it's more of a club.

Very nice.

You almost made it
a whole day.

This is Ellie.
She's a psych student.

She's going to get
her clinical hours
with me.

Right.

Would you mind putting this
out on the pool table?

Sure.

Oh, and make sure your dungeon
has plenty of shelf space.

People always forget
about the shelf space.

Yeah, you don't want whips
and chains all over the floor.
It makes you look sloppy.

So you're fishing in
the crazy lake again, huh?

What's her story?

Her story is
she's going to be mine...

so stay away from her.
The end.

Oh, come on.
You were pretty adamant.

I mean, are you sure
that you're ready to deal
with the crap

that will go down
after you hook up with
a girl like that?

'Cause I am.

Don't even think about it.

She worships me.

Daddy issues.

God, I hope so.

So you're
a grad student at UCLA?

I took
photography there.

Oh, really?
When?

Right before they
threw me out after
they realized

I hadn't applied,
registered, or paid for it.

Ooh. I like that.

Why should knowledge
cost money?

I don't think anything
should cost money.

Do you know how much money
people would have

if we didn't
have to buy anything?

We'd all be rich.

And then we could
help out the poor.

Nice.
You're a socialist.

Actually,
I'm pretty shy.

Well, maybe I can do
something about that.

- Or maybe not.
- [ laughs ]

So I see
you've met Nolan.

He's my most
difficult patient.
Classic masochist.

Oh, really?
Is he seeing someone?

No, but he's a patient.

We're the doctors.
We're different.

Oh, you said in your
lecture that we're all
on the same level.

It changes.

Different, the same,
it's fluid.

Write that down
in your little notebook.

Okay, everybody, well,
Ed can't be here today

because he and my father
are picking up some
poor war veteran

who obviously
hadn't suffered enough.

Oh, and this is Ellie,
the grad student who is going
to be observing our group.

I'm not comfortable
with this.

When you said
she was a psychology student,

I thought she would
look like a scientist,

but she looks more
like a TV scientist.

Do you know why
you're uncomfortable, Lacey?

Because Ellie represents
the unknown.

And the unknown
can be frightening.

Like a dark room

or a relationship
with someone you admire.

Or a sea cave.

Or lusting after
someone you admire.

Why'd you have to
bring up sea caves?

Now I won't
be able to sleep.

You know, Nolan,
sea caves are symbolic

of a strong sexual desire.

Maybe you like someone.

Maybe someone
would like you

to shut
your sea cave.

After we deduct everything
we're spending on
this young man,

we will receive

a grand total--
are you ready for this?

$824 a month
from the VA.

You, sir, are a genius.

Hot damn.

Do you know
what this means?

Brand-name groceries,

wine in bottles,

and movies...

at night.

You're thinking small, Ed.

How 'bout a big-screen TV
and two La-Z-Boys?

Yeah, leather ones
with cup holders.

Oh, here he is.

- Hello, soldier.
- Hey, fellas.

I don't want to sound
like a negative Nelly,

but I think I'm going to
need a handicap bar

in the tub after all.

When I tried
to pull myself out,

the rope with the knots
you tied to the toilet
slipped right off.

We're really
sorry about that.

We'll get you one
first thing tomorrow.

We want you
to be happy here.
This is your home.

Speaking of that.
You know what else
would really be helpful?

A ramp
on the outside steps.

Oh, and I'm supposed
to have a hospital bed.

You know, one of those ones
that goes up and down.

Can't we just put some books
under one end of the sofa?

[ laughs ]
No, you can't.

Oh, and what kind of van

- were you planning
on renting?
- Van?!

Son, your chair
has wheels.

You're practically
a van already.

[ laughs ]

You guys are killing me.

Like the Taliban
tried to do

when I was
serving my country.

I'm blessed to have
you both in my life.

I'm going to go
to my room.

I don't want to cry
in front of you.

A bed? A van?

I'm going to my room.

I don't want to cry
in front of you, either.

The thing is, Lacey,
I am as flawed as you are,

so I can relate to you.

In fact, I know
what you're going to say
before you say it.

All right.
Let me tell you
about my dream.

I knew you were
going to say that. Go.

Okay, I'm standing
in a hallway

and I see this figure
walking towards me,

so I turn on a light
and it was--

Jesus?

- My third grade teacher.
- Damn it! So close.

All right, well,
we're out of time.

We'll continue
this session next week.

So, Ellie.

- Will you be
coming back next week?
- If Charlie will have me.

Oh, I'm sure
he will have you.

Hey.

Charlie,
I have a question.

I know Ellie is here
in a professional capacity,

but I really
like her a lot.

Would it be okay
if I asked her out?

Absolutely not.

Yeah, but I think
she likes me.

She doesn't.

But I really thought
I was catching a vibe.

You weren't.

But you're right,
she's here to work.

So she is
totally off-limits.

But she's not
my therapist.

It doesn't matter.

She's on loan
from the school.

It's like checking a book
out of the library.

None of us are allowed
to have sex with it.

So you're actually
breaking the boundaries

of traditional therapy
in a lot of areas.

Yes, yes.
I am conducting
a research study

where we observe
subjects having sex

to determine how much
they enjoy doing it

in a noncommitted
relationship.

And the answer
we're getting is...

a lot.

Hey, Brett, beer me.

You got it, darlin'.

Oh, look.
It's Charlie and Ellie.

Man, they're still
working after hours.

He's going to be
a great mentor.

- They're on a date, honey.
- What?

She's off limits.
How do you know
they're on a date?

Because he
ordered champagne.

That's what he does
when he's on a date.

And I bring it over
to him and then I slip
in a little compliment.

Son of a bitch.

He lied to me.

He's going to have sex
with my library book.

Here's your champagne,
Charlie.

And good news,
tonight it's on the house
for everybody with no STDs.

[ whispers ]
You're welcome.

- We didn't build
the ramp high enough.
- Well, it'll have to do.

I'm not going to go
tear more wood

off that old abandoned
house on the corner.

It's not abandoned.
An old deaf lady lives there.

Well, I knocked on the door
and she wasn't home.

Meals for a guy
on wheels.

- Hey, there you are.
- Hi.

We spent all day
yesterday cooking meals
for your guest.

There should be enough here
to last at least two weeks.

Is he here?
I've never met
a real war veteran.

Hey, young lady,
what about us?

No, I mean, from
a Jake Gyllenhaal war.

Not a Tom Hanks war.

Hey, guys, good news.

The VA check to cover
my expenses just came.

The mailman gave it to me
after he helped carry me
up the steps.

Ladies.

You guys are taking
money from the VA?

I thought you were paying
for everything with your
social security checks.

Well, it's pretty
damn close.

I mean, we're barely
turning a profit
on this deal.

- Ed.
- A profit?!

Look, we're just trying
to be patriotic.

I mean, you know,
one of the advantages

of being patriotic
these days is that sometimes
you get paid for it.

You two are vets
and you're scamming
the government?!

I don't want to see
either of you guys
for a while.

But I do want
my Tupperware back

so I'm conflicted.

Let's go, Sam.

I feel terrible.

That we're not making
more money on this deal?

Yeah, I know
what you mean.

If we're going
to do this thing,
we need to do it right.

We just don't have enough
of those guys living here
to make it cost-effective.

We need more volume.

Where's the shower?

You're in line for it.

I have to go
to the bathroom.

Same line.

You know, a lot of people
say I'm too honest.

But you got to
tell people the truth.

Trust me,
they respect you for it.

So I want to thank you
for having me back,

you arrogant
little pricks.

Mr. Goodson.

Nolan?
What are you doing here?

I have a question.

You're a douchebag.

I have a follow-up
question.

Screw you!

Okay, Nolan, I think
I know what this is about.

Yeah, and I want
the whole world to hear
how you lied to me.

He told me that nobody
from our group

could date
that girl right there.

Hey, Ellie.

Because it
was unethical.

And then he went
out with her himself.

- Students: Ooh!
- Yeah.

You told him that?

Yes.

And you want to know why?

Why, you ask?
You going to ask me why?

Well, then ask--
oh, I know!

To teach this
emotionally repressed

and deeply passive young man
to stand up for himself.

And obviously,
my methods are working.

You lying, stupid jerk.

Well done.
Thank you.

No, no, no.
Don't clap.

He's making
the whole thing up.

He's a terrible,
terrible person.

- There you go.
Let it all out.
- [ applause continues ]

Thank you.
Thank you.

Damn it!

I hope that you
roast in

the fires
of eternal hell

and that your hair
catches fire, but only
half of it burns

so you look ridiculous.

[ cheering ]

Thank you.

- Nolan, wait.
- Great lecture, man.

- Yeah, nobody
likes a suck-up.
- You're a jerk.

Nobody likes a guy
who turns on a dime.

Nolan, come on.

I'm not going to forgive you
and don't make a scene.

I'm thinking about
sneaking into more
classes here.

I heard they got a course
on medieval sexuality.

Nolan, Nolan, Nolan,
look, look, look.

I screwed up,
but she's not
interested in me.

She likes you.
She told me.

- Really?
- Yes.

Now take that attitude
you had in there
and go get her.

I don't know.

Nolan, just now in class,
you showed a lot of balls.

Sorry.

I like to rest my feet
on the chair in front of me.

Nolan, she's right there
and you've got a scooter.

Unless she starts running,
you've got a chance.

So where's Dr. Slut?

She won't be
joining us anymore.

Oh, that's too bad.
I really liked her.

Sorry I'm late.
Someone stole my scooter.

Then why are you
wearing your helmet?

Because they didn't
steal my helmet.

It was a great end
to a great day.

Ellie and I are over.

Wait, you went out
with Dr. Slut?

I hate that bitch.

Lacey, don't
call her a bitch.

So what happened
with Dr. Slut?

I really liked her,
but when she found out
I had weed,

that's all she wanted to do.
She was like a weed fiend.

Finally, I had to
tell her I couldn't
see her anymore.

I'm proud of you, Nolan.

So how was the sex?

Crazy.

Let me guess, after you
broke up with her,

she came over screaming,

- pounding on your door.
- No.

She smashed your
car windshield?

No.

Well, she's crazy.
She must have done
something.

She gave me a fruit basket
and wished me well.

I knew it.

Crazy as the day is long.