Original subtitles

Nolan, you haven't said anything for the last 30 minutes.

You've just been sitting there smiling.

Yeah.

Okay, the last time this happened, you'd been up for 48 straight hours

smoking and watching a "Tom and Jerry" marathon.

According to the listings, there was no such marathon.

Yeah.

Which means you were probably watching a real cat

chase a real mouse around your apartment for two days.

I'm not happy because I'm high.

I'm happy because I've started dating somebody online.

I mean, we haven't met yet, but she's a great girl

and her name is Stacy.

Yeah, it's a black dude.

No, she's a 28-year old blonde doctor

who also models.

Oh, and her family has front-row seats

to all the big sporting events.

Okay, so, it's a morbidly obese insurance salesman

who may or may not be a cannibal.

Oh, yeah, smart guy?

Then how do you explain this picture?

Oh, so it's a morbidly obese cannibal

who used somebody else's picture.

Nolan, when something online

sounds too good to be true, it usually is.

Except for the SodaStream, which really does turn your kitchen

into an old-fashioned malt shoppe.

So let's talk about this date.

Well, I'm meeting her for dessert tomorrow

at Yummy Time Yogurt.

Yummy Time? Oh, my God, the guy thinks you're a 12-year-old.

- I say we should all hope for the best for Nolan. - Thank you, Ed.

And tomorrow night, I think we should all get together afterwards

to see if Nolan escaped from this cannibalistic pedophile.

Hey.

I am so glad you're back.

I cannot watch these two people have sex anymore.

She's the hairiest woman I've ever seen

and he's shaved everywhere.

It's like watching a giant baby

roll around on a bearskin rug.

I've got bad news.

They cut the funding for our study.

[ stutters ] What? Why?

The university cut their budget. We weren't a priority.

Apparently, the tight-asses on the grant committee

think that helping children walk is more important

than our casual sex research.

Don't they realize that after these kids start walking

that they're gonna want casual sex, too?

The worst part is they shut us down,

but the guys showing porn to the raccoons across the hall

- are still in business. - It's not even a real study.

It's just two frat guys with a laptop and a pet raccoon.

So what should we do?

It took us four years to find funding in the first place.

I guess we might just have to

pack it in...

and go back to working separately.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or we could find somebody else to fund us.

That is exactly what we'll do.

Our research is way too important.

So until somebody forces us out of these chairs,

we're gonna sit here and do our job.

Oh, God, Charlie. That woman is hairy.

I bet the raccoon would love this.

[ theme music playing ]

Hello. Charlie Goodson.

I'm here about the grant for the Goodson-Whales study.

Please have a seat. We'll be with you shortly.

- Thank you. - Thank you, Lisa.

Please keep me updated on the status of things.

Perfect.

Oh, little Charlie Goodson.

Hello, Debbie.

- Leslie. - Yeah, that's better.

So, I haven't seen you since you tried to steal my lady friend away.

No, no. Hope was mylady friend

and you tried to steal her away from me.

That is the last time I'll be using the term "lady friend."

Calm down, old boy.

You know, for an anger management therapist,

you certainly have a short willy.

That's what we call a fuse in England...

as far as you know.

Good luck with the grant.

[ sighs ]

Sorry I'm late.

Where's your tie?

Uh, I'm not wearing one. Is that a problem?

No, people love giving grant money to lounge singers.

I'm sorry, I'm a little nervous.

We're running out of places that will fund us. This is our best shot.

I know and now we've got some major competition.

I just ran into this big shot psychopharmacologist.

I can't stand this guy and now it turns out

he might be going for the same grant.

Was hewearing a tie?

[ sneers ] "Was he wearing a tie?"

Yes, damn it.

Thanks so much for coming in here

to discuss your study.

[ laughing ]

The work you're doing is, uh...

[ giggles ] very interesting,

and I will definitely

be giving it some serious consideration...

this weekend. [ laughing ]

So... you will?

Well, yes, of course. I mean, what else am I gonna do?

I'm not seeing anyone else right now.

[ laughing ]

Or for the last two years. [ laughing ]

I don't see why not.

You have a lovely and...

persistent laugh.

Thank you. [ laughs ]

Well, anyway, we just think it would be a waste

to stop the project now.

I mean, we've come so far.

I know, and coming in here

and having to beg for money is the worst.

I mean, if you could be doing your research right now,

you'd be doing that instead.

[ laughing ] Right?

We'd be doing anything instead.

So I think we covered everything.

And I want you to know,

I like anythingabout sex.

Well, I used to. Now, I just miss it.

So if you need to reach me,

call me anytime...

day...

or night. [ laughing ]

You don't have to-- okay, but you did.

Thank you. We will be in touch.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

[ laughs ]

Will you please drop it?

I'm not going out with her.

Do you want to get that grant or not?

Well, of course I do.

Come on, Kate, I have my limits.

She's like a laughing hyena

on laughing gas at a comedy club.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Charlie, it wasn't that bad.

She practically threw herself at you.

It wasthat bad, and I practically threw myself out the window.

Charlie, if we want this money, you have to go out with her.

Wine her, dine her. Do whatever it takes.

Wait...

you're not suggesting--

Oh, yes. I am suggesting.

You're pushing me to have sex with her?

I am not pushing. I'm just going to keep suggesting it

until you come to it on your own.

Kate, you know me and you know how I feel about sex.

The only reason I'd be doing it is for making babies.

Practicing. It's in the Bible.

[ sighs ]

Know what else is in the Bible?

"To lay with her and know her

until it begets a grant."

I mean, isn't this research project

and continuing to work with me important to you?

[ sighs ]

Okay, fine. I'll do it.

Hopefully, she has some wild fantasy

about doing it at the airport with a baggage handler

so I can wear those giant headphones.

Dr. Stacy, give me the news.

I got a bad case of loving you.

Well, we tried. I guess that didn't work out.

You must be Nolan.

- Who are you? - I'm Stacy.

Please tell me this is one of these "Freaky Friday" things

where you switched bodies with your mom.

Nope. Made the whole thing up.

Oh, I feel so stupid. Everybody said it was too good to be true.

Buy me a large cup of strawberry yogurt.

Are you kidding? Forget it.

- I'm going home. - No, you're not.

Tomorrow we're going bike shopping

and next week we're hitting the Apple Store.

- Why would I do that? - Because if you don't,

I'm gonna tell my dad that you've been talking to me online,

and he's gonna call the cops on you.

Do you want sprinkles with that yogurt?

Club sandwich. [ laughs ]

Ooh, crab cakes. [ laughs ]

Choice of vegetables or fruit. [ giggles ]

Yeah.

You know, Charlie, I am so happy

that you called and asked me to dinner.

Um...

so you and Kate, are you a couple?

Well, we're not together,

but we're definitely a coupleof people. [ chuckles ]

Really? Nothing?

So you and Kate aren't together.

Huh, interesting. [ laughing ]

Oh, you know what? I just remembered,

I have to call a patient who's being forced to do something

he really doesn't wanna do and is feeling suicidal.

Oh, no, that's horrible.

[ laughs ]

So why are you laughing?

I am? [ laughing ]

[ mutters ]

[ phone chimes ]

Charlie, did we get the grant?

No, I can't go through with this, Kate.

Is it because of the laughing?

No, no. It turns out the laughter is the best part.

It helps distract from the huge black hole

where her personality should be.

I can't do this.

Charlie, listen to me.

You have got to do this.

For us.

Hey, if things were reversed, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Okay, fine. You win. But you gotta pick me up afterwards.

- Why? - Because I'm gonna be very, very, very, very drunk.

[ laughing ] A fork.

I'm talking Nicolas Cage-drunk.

You have a nice house.

Oh, thanks. I'm just renting.

[ laughs ]

I'm just not a homeowner.

Is there anything I can do for you?

With you?

To you?

Well...

there is one thing

I've been trying to find a way to ask you for all night.

[ laughing ]

You don't have to ask.

Why don't we just go inside and turn on some...

deafening music

and do this?

Why do we have to do that

for you to give me Kate's phone number?

You want Kate's number?

Yeah, well, we're leaning towards

giving you guys the money,

and I just thought a date with Kate

might help make my decision a little easier.

She's really hot. [ laughing ]

[ laughs ] Yeah.

Yeah, you know. Whoa.

[ both laughing ]

- I know, right? - Yeah.

By the way, what was the deafening music for?

Oh, now it's just to celebrate.

Any time I can bring together two lovely gay women,

that-- [ laughs ]

is a reason to celebrate.

[ laughs ] Yeah.

Hey, there.

There he is, my hero. How did it go?

Let's just say I gave her what she wanted.

Thank you, Charlie.

And for service beyond the call of duty,

I bought you a little gift.

You might wanna keep that. In fact, you might wanna drink that

on your upcoming cruise to the Isle of Lesbos.

- Excuse me? - Turns out she wants you.

- Me? - Yes, you are the lucky winner.

[ imitates laughter ]

Wow.

So now where are we going to find the money?

Well, I know where you're going

and I know where you're gonna find it.

- Oh, forget it. - [ bottle taps ]

I am not going to have sex with a woman to get funding.

Well, you had no problem with me doing it.

That's different. This is a woman.

Well, you had sex with women in college.

Yeah, I also did Jell-O shots in college.

I don't do that anymore, either.

Well, then you might want to have a few Jell-O shots

before you spend the night in that giggle box.

Charlie, no.

Kate, yes.

In case you forgot, you told me, and I quote,

"If the situation were reversed, I would gladly go gay.

And let Charlie watch."

[ scoffs ] I never said that.

Eh, maybe it was a perfect dream, I don't know.

Come on, Kate. You have to do this.

What about us working together?

Okay, fine. I'll go out with her.

Thank you.

I just hope I remember how to do this.

Don't worry, it's like riding a bike.

But instead of handlebars, there's boobs,

and they've completely rethought the seat.

- Uh, hey, guys. - You're alive.

So I guess you just "put the lotion in the basket"

and clawed your way out of the well?

You're all wrong.

It wasn't a cannibal, it was just a regular woman--

a 10-year-old woman.

- She's 10? - Yeah, and she's mean.

She threatened me. She wants me to buy her all this stuff.

She reminds me of you.

Nolan, you're out of your league.

I'll take care of it for you.

I'm fluent in "little bitch."

Thanks. I don't know how this happened.

Don't blame yourself, Nolan. It is not your fault.

You're just the victim of a child predator.

I mean, do you think I'm doing the wrong thing here,

asking Kate to sleep with a lesbian for money?

- Hey, Dad. - Hey, guys.

Ahem.

Don't mind us. We're just picking up some of Sam's stuff.

Kate's sleeping with a lesbian for money?

Uh, Kate Hudson.

She's in a new film. We just saw the trailer.

"Sleeping with a Lesbian for Money."

It's like "The Hangover."

Yeah, but with lesbians...

and money.

I wanna see that.

You're not seeing that.

Dad, I'm 16. I saw "The Hangover."

Well, that was a mistake your mother made.

Youtook me.

Well, she didn't stop me. Go get your stuff.

- So what's really going on, guys? - [ sighs ]

All right, you want the truth? I'll tell you what's going on.

I shouldn't be telling anybody this.

It's one of my clients.

She needs money and she's willing to sleep with a woman to get it.

Oh.

Personally, I think it's wrong to sleep with someone for money.

For dinner, yes, jewelry, sure,

a nice car, of course.

But to do it for money--

unless it's a lot of money that could change

your whole situation-- is demeaning.

[ phone rings ]

Excuse me, I gotta take this.

- Hello? - Good news, Charlie.

We got the grant? Well, that was fast.

What, did you do it right there in the Merry Peasant?

No, Lisa doesn't even make all the decisions.

It turns out she has a boss who has all the power, and guess what?

Bossy pants turns up and is very into me.

Well, that is fantastic. I knew I could count on you.

So this boss, she hot?

No, but he is very attractive.

I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry.

I thought you just said "he."

So, this woman-- let's use words like that so we're very clear--

she hot?

Charlie, it's a man.

I'm sorry, bad connection. Is shehot?

Gotta go. Wish me luck.

Hello? Hello?

Jen and Sam had to run.

Everything all right?

I don't know.

Is the word "he" ever used to describe a woman?

Not usually.

Except maybe one time in Vegas.

I thought you said that happened in New Orleans.

Oh, fool me once, shame on me.

Fool me twice, I'd appreciate it if you never bring it up again, you jerk.

I don't believe this. Now Kate's sleeping with some guy.

How did this happen?

I know, it's crazy.

This all started so innocently--

with you prostituting yourself out to a woman to get the grant

and then pushing Kate into a lesbian relationship to get the money.

Whoever would've thought it would lead to something

as unsavory as heterosexual sex?

Are you mocking me?

Obviously not well enough, you had to ask.

It's a double standard, Charlie.

You were gonna sleep with another woman.

What? No, it's different.

I don't have feelings for me.

I don't get jealous of me when other people look at me naked.

I think you have to face facts, my friend.

You and Kate are not in a relationship right now,

which means you can't say squat.

You know what? You're right.

Everything you are saying makes complete sense.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna stop her.

Oh, and by the way...

squat.

Oh, good, she came.

Satan's daughter risen from the depths of hell.

We gotta do this quick 'cause she's gotta be home by 8:00.

Okay.

You go get yourself a yogurt and I'll take care of it.

Now listen here, you little punk.

Wrong girl!

Sorry. Don't eat that, it'll make you fat.

Now listen here, you little punk.

I want you to lay off my friend Nolan.

Oh, my God. I can't believe he brought his maid to yell at me.

Look, kid, you're smart.

You remind me of me five years ago.

But if you don't leave my friend alone,

I'm going to sleep with your dad and destroy your parents' marriage.

It would never work. My dad loves my mom.

[ laughs ]

Sometimes daddies want a new mommy.

A younger mommy, a hotter mommy.

And then they have new kids.

Cuter kids, hotter kids,

and they start calling you, "What's her name?"

And Christmas becomes a buffet of lies and half-truths

while Daddy tries to force a smile

and remember why he even wanted you in the first place.

- I don't believe you. - Yes, you do.

[ whines ] Yes, I do.

Wow, what did you say to her?

Doesn't matter. Now buy me a yogurt

and then you're taking me to the Apple Store.

Lisa, where's Kate?

Oh, you mean Kate-the-bogus-lesbian that you set me up with?

[ laughs, sobs ]

[ gasps ] She's not a lesbian?

Boy, I need to talk to her about that.

- Where is she? - You just missed her.

She just left with my boss.

Okay, here's a weird question.

Your boss, he's a man, right?

What, you don't think women can be bosses?

Yes, of course. A woman can do most anything a man can do.

- Oh, "most"? Most? Most? - No, no, no, I didn't mean--

It's a he.

Fine, where did hetake her?

I don't know.

Someplace in his "penismobile."

Damn it.

[ phone chimes ]

Leslie: Is it a patient? Do you need to take that?

No, it's just a colleague...

who's going to be very excited he and I get to keep working together.

- Oh, what's his name? - Charlie.

Oh, I know a Charlie.