All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E33.Charlie.and.Kate.Do.It.for.Money.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

Nolan, you haven't
said anything for
the last 30 minutes.

You've just been
sitting there smiling.

Yeah.

Okay, the last time this
happened, you'd been up
for 48 straight hours

smoking and watching
a "Tom and Jerry" marathon.

According to the listings,
there was no such marathon.

Yeah.

Which means you were
probably watching a real cat

chase a real mouse
around your apartment
for two days.

I'm not happy
because I'm high.

I'm happy because
I've started dating
somebody online.

I mean, we haven't met yet,
but she's a great girl

and her name is Stacy.

Yeah, it's
a black dude.

No, she's a 28-year old
blonde doctor

who also models.

Oh, and her family
has front-row seats

to all the big
sporting events.

Okay, so, it's a morbidly obese
insurance salesman

who may or may not be
a cannibal.

Oh, yeah, smart guy?

Then how do you explain
this picture?

Oh, so it's
a morbidly obese cannibal

who used somebody
else's picture.

Nolan,
when something online

sounds too good to be true,
it usually is.

Except for the SodaStream,
which really does
turn your kitchen

into an old-fashioned
malt shoppe.

So let's talk
about this date.

Well, I'm meeting her
for dessert tomorrow

at Yummy Time Yogurt.

Yummy Time?
Oh, my God, the guy thinks
you're a 12-year-old.

- I say we should all hope
for the best for Nolan.
- Thank you, Ed.

And tomorrow night,
I think we should all
get together afterwards

to see if Nolan escaped
from this cannibalistic
pedophile.

Hey.

I am so glad
you're back.

I cannot watch
these two people
have sex anymore.

She's the hairiest woman
I've ever seen

and he's shaved
everywhere.

It's like watching
a giant baby

roll around
on a bearskin rug.

I've got bad news.

They cut the funding
for our study.

[ stutters ]
What? Why?

The university
cut their budget.
We weren't a priority.

Apparently,
the tight-asses
on the grant committee

think that
helping children walk
is more important

than our casual sex
research.

Don't they realize
that after these kids
start walking

that they're gonna
want casual sex, too?

The worst part is
they shut us down,

but the guys showing
porn to the raccoons
across the hall

- are still in business.
- It's not even a real study.

It's just two frat guys
with a laptop and
a pet raccoon.

So what should we do?

It took us four years
to find funding in
the first place.

I guess we might
just have to

pack it in...

and go back to
working separately.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or we could find
somebody else
to fund us.

That is exactly
what we'll do.

Our research is
way too important.

So until somebody forces
us out of these chairs,

we're gonna sit here
and do our job.

Oh, God, Charlie.
That woman is hairy.

I bet the raccoon
would love this.

[ theme music playing ]

Hello.
Charlie Goodson.

I'm here about the grant
for the Goodson-Whales study.

Please have a seat.
We'll be with you shortly.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, Lisa.

Please keep me updated
on the status of things.

Perfect.

Oh, little
Charlie Goodson.

Hello, Debbie.

- Leslie.
- Yeah, that's better.

So, I haven't seen you
since you tried to steal
my lady friend away.

No, no.
Hope was mylady friend

and you tried to steal
her away from me.

That is the last time
I'll be using the term
"lady friend."

Calm down, old boy.

You know, for an anger
management therapist,

you certainly have
a short willy.

That's what we call
a fuse in England...

as far as you know.

Good luck
with the grant.

[ sighs ]

Sorry I'm late.

Where's your tie?

Uh, I'm not wearing one.
Is that a problem?

No, people love
giving grant money
to lounge singers.

I'm sorry,
I'm a little nervous.

We're running out of
places that will fund us.
This is our best shot.

I know and now we've got
some major competition.

I just ran into this big shot
psychopharmacologist.

I can't stand this guy
and now it turns out

he might be going
for the same grant.

Was hewearing
a tie?

[ sneers ]
"Was he wearing a tie?"

Yes, damn it.

Thanks so much
for coming in here

to discuss your study.

[ laughing ]

The work
you're doing is, uh...

[ giggles ]
very interesting,

and I will definitely

be giving it some
serious consideration...

this weekend.
[ laughing ]

So... you will?

Well, yes, of course.
I mean, what else
am I gonna do?

I'm not seeing
anyone else right now.

[ laughing ]

Or for the last two years.
[ laughing ]

I don't see why not.

You have
a lovely and...

persistent laugh.

Thank you.
[ laughs ]

Well, anyway,
we just think
it would be a waste

to stop
the project now.

I mean,
we've come so far.

I know,
and coming in here

and having to beg
for money is the worst.

I mean, if you could be
doing your research right now,

you'd be doing
that instead.

[ laughing ]
Right?

We'd be doing
anything instead.

So I think
we covered everything.

And I want you to know,

I like anythingabout sex.

Well, I used to.
Now, I just miss it.

So if you need to reach me,

call me anytime...

day...

or night.
[ laughing ]

You don't have to--
okay, but you did.

Thank you.
We will be in touch.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

[ laughs ]

Will you please
drop it?

I'm not
going out with her.

Do you want to get
that grant or not?

Well, of course I do.

Come on, Kate,
I have my limits.

She's like
a laughing hyena

on laughing gas
at a comedy club.

Do you see where
I'm going with this?

Charlie,
it wasn't that bad.

She practically
threw herself at you.

It wasthat bad,
and I practically threw
myself out the window.

Charlie, if we want this money,
you have to go out with her.

Wine her, dine her.
Do whatever it takes.

Wait...

you're not suggesting--

Oh, yes.
I am suggesting.

You're pushing me
to have sex with her?

I am not pushing.
I'm just going to
keep suggesting it

until you come to it
on your own.

Kate, you know me
and you know how I feel
about sex.

The only reason
I'd be doing it
is for making babies.

Practicing.
It's in the Bible.

[ sighs ]

Know what else
is in the Bible?

"To lay with her
and know her

until it begets
a grant."

I mean, isn't this
research project

and continuing to work
with me important to you?

[ sighs ]

Okay, fine.
I'll do it.

Hopefully, she has
some wild fantasy

about doing it
at the airport
with a baggage handler

so I can wear
those giant headphones.

Dr. Stacy,
give me the news.

I got a bad case
of loving you.

Well, we tried.
I guess that didn't
work out.

You must be Nolan.

- Who are you?
- I'm Stacy.

Please tell me
this is one of these
"Freaky Friday" things

where you switched bodies
with your mom.

Nope.
Made the whole thing up.

Oh, I feel so stupid.
Everybody said it was
too good to be true.

Buy me a large cup
of strawberry yogurt.

Are you kidding?
Forget it.

- I'm going home.
- No, you're not.

Tomorrow we're going
bike shopping

and next week we're
hitting the Apple Store.

- Why would I do that?
- Because if you don't,

I'm gonna tell my dad
that you've been talking
to me online,

and he's gonna
call the cops on you.

Do you want sprinkles
with that yogurt?

Club sandwich.
[ laughs ]

Ooh, crab cakes.
[ laughs ]

Choice of
vegetables or fruit.
[ giggles ]

Yeah.

You know, Charlie,
I am so happy

that you called
and asked me to dinner.

Um...

so you and Kate,
are you a couple?

Well, we're not together,

but we're definitely
a coupleof people.
[ chuckles ]

Really? Nothing?

So you and Kate
aren't together.

Huh, interesting.
[ laughing ]

Oh, you know what?
I just remembered,

I have to call a patient
who's being forced
to do something

he really doesn't wanna do
and is feeling suicidal.

Oh, no,
that's horrible.

[ laughs ]

So why are you
laughing?

I am?
[ laughing ]

[ mutters ]

[ phone chimes ]

Charlie,
did we get the grant?

No, I can't go through
with this, Kate.

Is it because
of the laughing?

No, no.
It turns out the laughter
is the best part.

It helps distract
from the huge black hole

where her personality
should be.

I can't do this.

Charlie, listen to me.

You have got to do this.

For us.

Hey, if things were reversed,
I would do it in a heartbeat.

Okay, fine. You win.
But you gotta pick me up
afterwards.

- Why?
- Because I'm gonna be very,
very, very, very drunk.

[ laughing ]
A fork.

I'm talking
Nicolas Cage-drunk.

You have
a nice house.

Oh, thanks.
I'm just renting.

[ laughs ]

I'm just
not a homeowner.

Is there anything
I can do for you?

With you?

To you?

Well...

there is one thing

I've been trying to find a way
to ask you for all night.

[ laughing ]

You don't have to ask.

Why don't we just go
inside and turn on some...

deafening music

and do this?

Why do we
have to do that

for you to give me
Kate's phone number?

You want Kate's number?

Yeah, well,
we're leaning towards

giving you guys
the money,

and I just thought
a date with Kate

might help make my decision
a little easier.

She's really hot.
[ laughing ]

[ laughs ]
Yeah.

Yeah, you know.
Whoa.

[ both laughing ]

- I know, right?
- Yeah.

By the way, what was
the deafening music for?

Oh, now it's
just to celebrate.

Any time I can bring together
two lovely gay women,

that--
[ laughs ]

is a reason
to celebrate.

[ laughs ]
Yeah.

Hey, there.

There he is, my hero.
How did it go?

Let's just say
I gave her what
she wanted.

Thank you, Charlie.

And for service
beyond the call of duty,

I bought you
a little gift.

You might wanna keep that.
In fact, you might wanna
drink that

on your upcoming cruise
to the Isle of Lesbos.

- Excuse me?
- Turns out she wants you.

- Me?
- Yes, you are
the lucky winner.

[ imitates laughter ]

Wow.

So now where are we
going to find the money?

Well, I know where
you're going

and I know where
you're gonna find it.

- Oh, forget it.
- [ bottle taps ]

I am not going to
have sex with a woman
to get funding.

Well, you had no problem
with me doing it.

That's different.
This is a woman.

Well, you had sex
with women in college.

Yeah, I also did
Jell-O shots in college.

I don't do that
anymore, either.

Well, then you might want
to have a few Jell-O shots

before you spend the night
in that giggle box.

Charlie, no.

Kate, yes.

In case you forgot,
you told me, and I quote,

"If the situation were reversed,
I would gladly go gay.

And let Charlie watch."

[ scoffs ]
I never said that.

Eh, maybe it was
a perfect dream,
I don't know.

Come on, Kate.
You have to do this.

What about us
working together?

Okay, fine.
I'll go out with her.

Thank you.

I just hope I remember
how to do this.

Don't worry,
it's like riding a bike.

But instead of handlebars,
there's boobs,

and they've completely
rethought the seat.

- Uh, hey, guys.
- You're alive.

So I guess you just
"put the lotion in the basket"

and clawed your way
out of the well?

You're all wrong.

It wasn't a cannibal,
it was just a regular woman--

a 10-year-old woman.

- She's 10?
- Yeah, and she's mean.

She threatened me.
She wants me to buy her
all this stuff.

She reminds me of you.

Nolan, you're out
of your league.

I'll take care of it
for you.

I'm fluent
in "little bitch."

Thanks. I don't know
how this happened.

Don't blame yourself, Nolan.
It is not your fault.

You're just the victim
of a child predator.

I mean,
do you think I'm doing
the wrong thing here,

asking Kate to sleep
with a lesbian for money?

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, guys.

Ahem.

Don't mind us.
We're just picking up
some of Sam's stuff.

Kate's sleeping
with a lesbian
for money?

Uh, Kate Hudson.

She's in a new film.
We just saw the trailer.

"Sleeping with a Lesbian
for Money."

It's like
"The Hangover."

Yeah, but
with lesbians...

and money.

I wanna see that.

You're not seeing that.

Dad, I'm 16.
I saw "The Hangover."

Well, that was a mistake
your mother made.

Youtook me.

Well, she didn't stop me.
Go get your stuff.

- So what's really
going on, guys?
- [ sighs ]

All right, you want the truth?
I'll tell you what's going on.

I shouldn't be
telling anybody this.

It's one of my clients.

She needs money
and she's willing to sleep
with a woman to get it.

Oh.

Personally, I think
it's wrong to sleep
with someone for money.

For dinner, yes,
jewelry, sure,

a nice car,
of course.

But to do it
for money--

unless it's a lot of money
that could change

your whole situation--
is demeaning.

[ phone rings ]

Excuse me,
I gotta take this.

- Hello?
- Good news, Charlie.

We got the grant?
Well, that was fast.

What, did you
do it right there
in the Merry Peasant?

No, Lisa doesn't even
make all the decisions.

It turns out she has a boss
who has all the power,
and guess what?

Bossy pants turns up
and is very into me.

Well, that is fantastic.
I knew I could count on you.

So this boss,
she hot?

No, but he
is very attractive.

I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry.

I thought you
just said "he."

So, this woman--
let's use words like that
so we're very clear--

she hot?

Charlie, it's a man.

I'm sorry, bad connection.
Is shehot?

Gotta go.
Wish me luck.

Hello? Hello?

Jen and Sam
had to run.

Everything
all right?

I don't know.

Is the word "he" ever used
to describe a woman?

Not usually.

Except maybe
one time in Vegas.

I thought you said
that happened in New Orleans.

Oh, fool me once,
shame on me.

Fool me twice,
I'd appreciate it if you never
bring it up again, you jerk.

I don't believe this.
Now Kate's sleeping
with some guy.

How did this happen?

I know, it's crazy.

This all started
so innocently--

with you prostituting
yourself out to a woman
to get the grant

and then pushing Kate
into a lesbian relationship
to get the money.

Whoever would've thought
it would lead to something

as unsavory
as heterosexual sex?

Are you mocking me?

Obviously not well enough,
you had to ask.

It's a double standard,
Charlie.

You were gonna sleep
with another woman.

What?
No, it's different.

I don't have feelings
for me.

I don't get jealous of me
when other people look
at me naked.

I think you have
to face facts,
my friend.

You and Kate are not in
a relationship right now,

which means
you can't say squat.

You know what?
You're right.

Everything you are saying
makes complete sense.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna stop her.

Oh, and by the way...

squat.

Oh, good, she came.

Satan's daughter risen
from the depths of hell.

We gotta do this quick
'cause she's gotta be
home by 8:00.

Okay.

You go get yourself a yogurt
and I'll take care of it.

Now listen here,
you little punk.

Wrong girl!

Sorry.
Don't eat that,
it'll make you fat.

Now listen here,
you little punk.

I want you to lay off
my friend Nolan.

Oh, my God.
I can't believe he brought
his maid to yell at me.

Look, kid,
you're smart.

You remind me of me
five years ago.

But if you don't leave
my friend alone,

I'm going to sleep
with your dad and destroy
your parents' marriage.

It would never work.
My dad loves my mom.

[ laughs ]

Sometimes daddies
want a new mommy.

A younger mommy,
a hotter mommy.

And then
they have new kids.

Cuter kids,
hotter kids,

and they start calling you,
"What's her name?"

And Christmas becomes
a buffet of lies
and half-truths

while Daddy tries
to force a smile

and remember why he even
wanted you in the first place.

- I don't believe you.
- Yes, you do.

[ whines ]
Yes, I do.

Wow, what did you
say to her?

Doesn't matter.
Now buy me a yogurt

and then you're taking me
to the Apple Store.

Lisa, where's Kate?

Oh, you mean
Kate-the-bogus-lesbian
that you set me up with?

[ laughs, sobs ]

[ gasps ]
She's not a lesbian?

Boy, I need to talk
to her about that.

- Where is she?
- You just missed her.

She just left
with my boss.

Okay, here's
a weird question.

Your boss,
he's a man, right?

What, you don't think
women can be bosses?

Yes, of course.
A woman can do most
anything a man can do.

- Oh, "most"? Most? Most?
- No, no, no, I didn't mean--

It's a he.

Fine, where did
hetake her?

I don't know.

Someplace
in his "penismobile."

Damn it.

[ phone chimes ]

Leslie:
Is it a patient?
Do you need to take that?

No, it's just
a colleague...

who's going to be
very excited he and I
get to keep working together.

- Oh, what's his name?
- Charlie.

Oh, I know a Charlie.