All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E32.Charlie.and.The.Prison.Riot.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

I just want everyone to know
Thursday is my birthday.

I don't want anyone
to bring it up.

Here's a tip.

If you don't want
something brought up,
don't bring it up.

I just hate my birthday.

After 25,
it's just a reminder

that I never made
"New York" magazine's

"25 people to watch
under 25" list.

Don't feel so bad.

You're one of the two people
to watch on the couch.

Nolan,
I know you mean well,

but I hate you.

Look, Patrick,
I understand that it's
difficult getting older,

but just remember,
compare and despair.

That's what I'm doing.

Don'tcompare and despair.

What kind of a slogan
has a silent "don't"?

That's like telling someone
to swim right after they eat.

And then when they die
you say,

"Oh, sorry.

There was a silent,
implied don't."

Sorry,
I'm late.

I got stuck in
Thousand Oaks

dropping off some
drug samples to a clinic.

How come the clinics
need samples?

Because that's how they
get the people addicted--

I mean, familiar
with the products.

Damn it.
I've got to stop using
the no-no words.

Lacey,
we have two rules here.

One, if you're going
to be late, you have to call.

And two, if you're going to
wear a skirt, it has to cover
at least some of your thigh.

That's funny.

My boss says my skirt
has to show at least
some of my ass.

As for calling,
I can't find my phone

and I don't know
anybody's number by heart.

This is the trouble
with America--

smartphones,
dumb people.

Now I've got all
my important numbers

written on a little piece
of paper that I always
have with me

and my, uh,
ATM code,

and my social security,
my checking--

has anybody seen
a little piece of paper
around here?

Don't worry, Ed,
I'm sure you left it in
one of your other pants.

I'm wearing
all my other pants.

You got a minute?
I wanna show you
something.

Here.
Look at this.

I came up with a graph
to show the correlation

between the number
of orgasms our female
subjects achieved--

And the amount of times
the janitor pops in here
for no reason?

No. The level
of emotional intimacy
with their partners.

- Okay, so if you
just scroll down.
- [ sighs ]

What are you doing?

I'm just highlighting
something.

You're highlighting
my shoulder blade
with your nipples.

Oops. Sorry.
I clicked on
the wrong file.

Will you just hit
the one next to it?

Oh, this one here?

With the collection
of every photo we've ever
taken together.

What, um--

I don't know
what you're talking about.

It's this one
right here.

You know,
for someone that says
they have no feelings for me,

you've basically
put together a wedding album.

I only collected
all those photos in one file

because it's easier
to delete that way.

Oh, stop it.
I think it's cute.

It's late at night,
you open up
some pictures,

grab a bottle of wine,
put on some Sade,

and kiss the screen
every once in a while.

Just so you know,
if we weren't doing this
sex study together,

I would have nothing
to do with you.

Kate, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Stop, please. Sit down.

Look, obviously,
you still have
feelings for me

and I still have
feelings for you.

We need to talk
about this.

Charlie, there's nothing
to talk about.

These are just pictures,
I'm sorry you saw them.

These are my breasts,
I'm sorry they touched you.

Okay, okay,
I get it, I get it.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Just one more question.

When you look
at the pictures,

do you rub your boobs
on the screen?

How far are you gonna
take this joke?

Prisoners cannot sell
real estate from jail.

I know it sounds crazy,
but they can.

Just be careful.
This Donovan guy,

whose house
you'll be selling,
has a violent history.

Don't you worry.

I've dealt with some
pretty rough-and-tumble
characters in my day.

The fact that
you just used the expression
"rough-and-tumble"

tells me what a badass
you really are.

All right, Ernesto,
you wrote in your
anger workbook

that one of the things
that upsets you the most

is when someone
won't accept your apology.

I think it's a really good
step up from last week's entry,

"What's up with
these bitches, man?"

There's an issue
between me and Donovan.

I stepped
on his mouse.

I lose track
sometimes...

which sexual act
is that prison slang for?

No, he just stepped
on Donovan's mouse.

That's a relief.

I mean,
my condolences.

There's no reason
for him to apologize.

Mouse didn't
mean nothing to me.

Oh, please.

He loved him
that little mouse.

I could see it every night
when he tucked him

into his little
human hair bed.

Donovan, it doesn't make you
any less of a man--

[ wails ]
Mr. Squeaky!

Okay, I see my friend
Michael's here, so why
don't we wrap this up?

Donovan, you've had
a pretty emotional session,

you sure you're okay
to talk to him?

Yeah, Charlie.

I'm a pretty
rough-and-tumble
character.

Huh, so this
"rough-and-tumble" thing,

apparently,
it's coming back.

Yo, brother,
what's up?

You can relax.
I'm not gonna hurt you.

Pssht, man.
I'm not gonna
hurt you, either.

With excessive
commissions.

- [ laughs ] Come on, man.
I'll give you the $2 tour.
- Yeah, yeah.

Wayne, I didn't wanna
put you on the spot,
but I noticed

you didn't turn in
your anger workbook.

I really need you
to write this stuff down.

I did,
but it's in my cell.

Can you
bring it here?

I don't think so.

I take it back,
you did do your assignment.

[ sniffs ]
Why does it smell
like barbeque sauce?

Oh, because I ran out
of finger blood.

Well, I think
this is a very
constructive way

for you to express
your feelings.

Just so you know,
there's no hyphen
in killing spree.

Thank you.

That would
have been embarrassing.

I'll just get that off
with some urine.

Later. Later.

I notice that
you seem to have a lot
of intense feelings

for this Savanna woman.

Yeah, I never knew
where I stood with her.

In public, she'd avoid me
and call the police on me.

Once, she even tried
to run me over with her car.

And in private?

There was no private.

We were never
formally "introduced."

Well, relationships
can be tricky.

I don't know
if you're the right person

to take relationship
advice from, Charlie.

Considering
all the problems
you've had with Kate.

Good point, I--
wait a minute.

How'd you know
Kate's name?

Ifthat is her name.

All I needed was an hour
on the computer.

Plus, you've told us
you were doing a study
with her.

And by the way, your house
is beautiful from above.

And even more so
from the street view.

What an unsettling
compliment.

So how's it going
with you two?

Truth is,
I don't really know
where we stand.

Except on the other side
of our electrified fence.

Yeah, you never know
how people feel about you
until after you die.

It's something I learned
reading "Tom Sawyer"

and killing people.

That's very clever,
Wayne,

but I'm still alive.

Yes, you are.

Well, thanks
for having me over.

[ alarm buzzing ]

- What the hell's going on?
- Lockdown.

Just relax, you'll be
safer in the cell.

Must be some kind
of riot.

Once again,
nobody tells Wayne.

So you really think
we're safer in here?

Well, Iam.

[ theme music playing ]

- So how long do these
things usually take?
- [ faint clamoring ]

Oh, you're
uncomfortable.

I'm sorry,
I'm not used
to having guests.

Please, have a seat,
won't you? I--

I'm gonna call
the warden.

Just in case
he doesn't know
what's going on, you know.

[ alarm buzzing ]

Why'd the doors
just open?

That's not a question
we ask around here, Charlie.
Come on, let's go. Go, go, go!

Do you want me to close it
so no one takes your stuff or--
I'm just gonna follow you.

Charlie?

I can't believe
I went through all the trouble
of only being 10 minutes late

and Charlie
isn't even here.

Charlie!

Oh, no,
it's just you guys.

Other than that top,
are you okay?

No! Haven't you been
listening to the news?

Charlie's in the middle
of a prison riot.

In the middle?!

He should hang out
on the side.

TV anchorman:
Next, prison riot escalates.
Stay tuned.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

I'm a wreck and I have
to be calm when Sam gets home.

Here, I've got
some samples
of "Proloft."

It'll totally help
with your anxiety.

Is this legal?

It will be
in a minute.

Just sign this thing

that says you're a doctor
and you bought them.

Oh, and here's your free
coin purse and pen.

- Sam: Mom, Dad.
- Oh, my God, Sam's home.

- I don't know
what to tell her.
- [ TV off ]

- Hey, everybody.
- All: Hey.

Mom,
I have great news.

I stopped my counting
ritual today.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I didn't count
obsessively all day.

I always thought if I did,
something bad would happen,
but it didn't.

So... where's Dad?

He's, um,
caught in traffic.

He might not
be back for hours.

Oh, then why are you guys
still here?

Um...

We're celebrating
Patrick's birthday.

Right, buddy?

Cool.

Happy birthday,
Patrick.

Isn't getting
older awesome?

Oh, God.

That is the worst
possible thing

one person could do
to another.

We just heard
a report

that a guard
was beaten,
stripped,

and thrown from third floor
of the prison onto the street.

All right,
it's a tie.

Wayne! Wayne.

Who's in charge around here?
Is there someone I can talk to?

"Talk to."
So cute.

I remember
my first prison riot,

we ran around and stabbed
everyone in a suit.

Yeah.

Charlie,
what's going on?

You said the prisoners
couldn't get out
of their cages.

Relax, man.
There's no reason
for them to hurt us.

We're not prisoners
and we're not guards.

All right,
everybody.

I've talk to the fellas
down in cell block D

who are in charge
of this whole thing.

They've given their demands,
they know we have hostages,

and now it's just
a waiting game.

We've got hostages?

I'd hate to be one of those
poor sons of bitches.

Oh, you are those
poor sons of bitches.

Yeah,

I pretty much figured that out
just as I was saying it.

- Michael.
- Yeah, yeah.

Think we can move
that property before the Fed
raises the prime rate?

[ phone ringing ]

Hello?

- Charlie.
- Is this Kate?

Uh, I'm calling for Charlie.
Who is this?

What are you wearing?

Who the hell is this?
Put Charlie on the phone
right now.

I wish I could,
but Charlie's dead.

What?

Yeah, he fought real good,
but he's peaceful now.

Hello?

What the hell
are you doing
with my phone?

Oh, Kate called.

Why didn't you let me
talk to her?

I told her
you were dead.

Why did you tell her
I was dead?

I told you, Charlie, it's
the only way you'll ever know
how she really feels about you.

Give me
the phone.

Why the hell
did you do that?

Charlie, you're not
just our hostage,

you're a hostage of love.

But, mostly,
you're just our hostage.

Michael, can I borrow your
phone? I gotta call Kate and
let her know I'm still alive.

I don't have it.
I left everything--

my wallet, my watch,
my rings-- in the car.

- [ sighs ]
- Oh, my God, Charlie.

Did you lock the car?

Michael, focus.
We need a phone.

- Did you say you're
looking for a phone?
- Yes. Do you have one?

- Can I borrow it, please?
- Sure. Here you go.

- Uh...
- Uh, Charlie.

That guy threw a guard
out the window.

I would use
the phone.

Thank you.

- Hey, how's it going?
- What, are you nuts?

That's your hand.
This is the phone.

Of course.

How silly of me.

FBI? Hi.

I think one of those cameras
you have trained on me at
all times has gone out.

Oh, it's working fine?
Good to know. Bye-bye.

- You need a phone, Charlie?
- Yes, I do.

I'll get you a phone.

Hey! Any of you guys
have a phone?

Sure.
Here you go.

Thanks.

A brilliant man,
by the way.

He pioneered the use
of hidden cameras

in Pancake House
restrooms.

He's a genius.

- [ sighs ]
- What's the matter?

I don't know
Kate's number.

I usually just push a picture
of her face and it dials.

Then try Jen or Sam.

I don't know
their numbers, either.

How can you not know
their numbers?!

This is what's wrong
with America!

No progress yet
in talks with
the inmates.

You know, Ken,
these aerial shots

remind me
what a beautiful day it is.

So if you're not
incarcerated,

be sure to get out there
and enjoy the sunshine.

Hey, Patrick, I found
your birthday horoscope.

Fantastic.

"Your success will not be
measured in money,

but by the friends
you make."

[ moans ]
Oh, God.

Did-- did I say
something wrong?

No, no.

Those are tears
of joy, sweetheart.

Just keep that
birthday fun coming.

If I actually thought
you were going to have
another birthday,

I would get
so even with you.

All right, Patrick,

it's time for
the spanking machine.

Me first.
Whoo-hoo!

- How much did you give her?
- I looked at the chart and gave
her the right amount.

I figured
she weighs about 105.

Those are kilograms.

You gave her enough pills
for a 240-pound man.

Great, we got
the one Indian

who's not good
with numbers.

Hello?
Oh, thank God.

I've been trying to reach
someone at the prison for
the last three hours.

I'm trying to find out
about Charlie Goodson.

And let me
ask you this,

what is your relationship
to Mr. Goodson?

I'm his friend.
Dr. Kate Wales.

I need to know
what's happening.

I heard that
Charlie was dead.

Charlie's dead?
Oh, my God.

That's terrible.

He was such a good man.

Made me want to be
a better person.

No, I didn't say he was dead,
you said he was dead.

I'm trying to find out
if he's dead!

I understand
and I'm here for you.

Now...

how would you
describe your breasts?

[ groans, sighs ]

All right, everybody,
I got some news.

We lost
on every one
of our demands.

There's only one left
they're even willing
to talk about.

What's that?

We wanna bring back
meatloaf Thursdays.

[ cheering ]

Okay, okay.
Let me see if
I got this straight.

I'm gonna get tossed naked
out a window for meatloaf?

Man, oh, man,
there's a lot of cops
in riot gear down there.

You know,
if you guys really
wanna get what you want,

it might help
if you gave them
something.

You know,
like a hostage.

You know what
might be better?
If we kill a hostage.

That way, we prove
we're serious

and... we get
to kill somebody.

[ inmates moan ]

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Charlie has a kid.

If you guys
are gonna kill anybody,

you should kill me.

No, no, no, no, no.

Let Michael go.

He's a...

real estate agent

with a motivated buyer.

Maybe he's right.
You should kill him.

[ crashes ]

[ hisses ]

Oh, my God!
Tear gas!

I think it's safe to assume
negotiations have broken down.

- You think?!
- [ all coughing ]

All:
♪ And many more.

[ snorts ]

- Hey, everybody.
- Nolan: Hey!

- Lacey: Oh, my God.
- Patrick: Charlie,
are you all right?

- Ed: Charlie,
how'd you get out?
- Did anyone try to rape you?

He was stuck in traffic.
Where do youdrive?

It's okay.
The cops broke it up.
Everybody's fine.

I'll tell you all about it,
but first, I gotta find Jen's
phone so I can text Kate.

- Where's Jen?
- Last time I saw her,

she was trying to get
an empty milk carton
to spank her.

What?

She broke into my case
and took a bunch of
my drug samples.

I tried to stop her,
but she had crazy eyes.

I think she was
already on something.

Yeah, she was pretty upset
about you being in
that prison riot.

- Prison riot?
- I mean, traffic riot.

Traffic.

You were in
a prison riot?!

Oh, my God.
I stopped counting today
and something bad happened.

Sam, did you ever think
that maybe because you stopped
counting you kept me safe?

So if I ever count
anything again,
you could die.

Oh, no.

Good luck on
your math test tomorrow.

Hey.

I find out you're alive
through a text from your
ex-wife's phone.

Hold on,
I can explain it--

- You see, nobody knows
phone numbers anymore, so--
- Shut up.

[ moans, breathing heavily ]

What are you
thinking?

I'm thinking
I should tell you
I'm dead more often.

I mean, about us.

We need to figure out
where we are right now.

How 'bout we just
take it day by day?

If I learned anything
from my time in the joint
it's that life is short.

I just want to be clear
about where we are right now.

I mean, we're back to being
friends with benefits, right?

I don't wanna label it.

Fine.

Thank you.

How 'bout
partners with perks?

No.

Acquaintances
with advantages?

Stop that.

Colleagues
who copulate?

Our relationship is now
amorphous and indefinable.

Fine.

Fine.

We are now friends

with amorphous
and indefinable benefits.

No, we're not.

Okay.

Yes, we are.