Original subtitles

I just want everyone to know Thursday is my birthday.

I don't want anyone to bring it up.

Here's a tip.

If you don't want something brought up, don't bring it up.

I just hate my birthday.

After 25, it's just a reminder

that I never made "New York" magazine's

"25 people to watch under 25" list.

Don't feel so bad.

You're one of the two people to watch on the couch.

Nolan, I know you mean well,

but I hate you.

Look, Patrick, I understand that it's difficult getting older,

but just remember, compare and despair.

That's what I'm doing.

Don'tcompare and despair.

What kind of a slogan has a silent "don't"?

That's like telling someone to swim right after they eat.

And then when they die you say,

"Oh, sorry.

There was a silent, implied don't."

Sorry, I'm late.

I got stuck in Thousand Oaks

dropping off some drug samples to a clinic.

How come the clinics need samples?

Because that's how they get the people addicted--

I mean, familiar with the products.

Damn it. I've got to stop using the no-no words.

Lacey, we have two rules here.

One, if you're going to be late, you have to call.

And two, if you're going to wear a skirt, it has to cover at least some of your thigh.

That's funny.

My boss says my skirt has to show at least some of my ass.

As for calling, I can't find my phone

and I don't know anybody's number by heart.

This is the trouble with America--

smartphones, dumb people.

Now I've got all my important numbers

written on a little piece of paper that I always have with me

and my, uh, ATM code,

and my social security, my checking--

has anybody seen a little piece of paper around here?

Don't worry, Ed, I'm sure you left it in one of your other pants.

I'm wearing all my other pants.

You got a minute? I wanna show you something.

Here. Look at this.

I came up with a graph to show the correlation

between the number of orgasms our female subjects achieved--

And the amount of times the janitor pops in here for no reason?

No. The level of emotional intimacy with their partners.

- Okay, so if you just scroll down. - [ sighs ]

What are you doing?

I'm just highlighting something.

You're highlighting my shoulder blade with your nipples.

Oops. Sorry. I clicked on the wrong file.

Will you just hit the one next to it?

Oh, this one here?

With the collection of every photo we've ever taken together.

What, um--

I don't know what you're talking about.

It's this one right here.

You know, for someone that says they have no feelings for me,

you've basically put together a wedding album.

I only collected all those photos in one file

because it's easier to delete that way.

Oh, stop it. I think it's cute.

It's late at night, you open up some pictures,

grab a bottle of wine, put on some Sade,

and kiss the screen every once in a while.

Just so you know, if we weren't doing this sex study together,

I would have nothing to do with you.

Kate, wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop, please. Sit down.

Look, obviously, you still have feelings for me

and I still have feelings for you.

We need to talk about this.

Charlie, there's nothing to talk about.

These are just pictures, I'm sorry you saw them.

These are my breasts, I'm sorry they touched you.

Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Just one more question.

When you look at the pictures,

do you rub your boobs on the screen?

How far are you gonna take this joke?

Prisoners cannot sell real estate from jail.

I know it sounds crazy, but they can.

Just be careful. This Donovan guy,

whose house you'll be selling, has a violent history.

Don't you worry.

I've dealt with some pretty rough-and-tumble characters in my day.

The fact that you just used the expression "rough-and-tumble"

tells me what a badass you really are.

All right, Ernesto, you wrote in your anger workbook

that one of the things that upsets you the most

is when someone won't accept your apology.

I think it's a really good step up from last week's entry,

"What's up with these bitches, man?"

There's an issue between me and Donovan.

I stepped on his mouse.

I lose track sometimes...

which sexual act is that prison slang for?

No, he just stepped on Donovan's mouse.

That's a relief.

I mean, my condolences.

There's no reason for him to apologize.

Mouse didn't mean nothing to me.

Oh, please.

He loved him that little mouse.

I could see it every night when he tucked him

into his little human hair bed.

Donovan, it doesn't make you any less of a man--

[ wails ] Mr. Squeaky!

Okay, I see my friend Michael's here, so why don't we wrap this up?

Donovan, you've had a pretty emotional session,

you sure you're okay to talk to him?

Yeah, Charlie.

I'm a pretty rough-and-tumble character.

Huh, so this "rough-and-tumble" thing,

apparently, it's coming back.

Yo, brother, what's up?

You can relax. I'm not gonna hurt you.

Pssht, man. I'm not gonna hurt you, either.

With excessive commissions.

- [ laughs ] Come on, man. I'll give you the $2 tour. - Yeah, yeah.

Wayne, I didn't wanna put you on the spot, but I noticed

you didn't turn in your anger workbook.

I really need you to write this stuff down.

I did, but it's in my cell.

Can you bring it here?

I don't think so.

I take it back, you did do your assignment.

[ sniffs ] Why does it smell like barbeque sauce?

Oh, because I ran out of finger blood.

Well, I think this is a very constructive way

for you to express your feelings.

Just so you know, there's no hyphen in killing spree.

Thank you.

That would have been embarrassing.

I'll just get that off with some urine.

Later. Later.

I notice that you seem to have a lot of intense feelings

for this Savanna woman.

Yeah, I never knew where I stood with her.

In public, she'd avoid me and call the police on me.

Once, she even tried to run me over with her car.

And in private?

There was no private.

We were never formally "introduced."

Well, relationships can be tricky.

I don't know if you're the right person

to take relationship advice from, Charlie.

Considering all the problems you've had with Kate.

Good point, I-- wait a minute.

How'd you know Kate's name?

Ifthat is her name.

All I needed was an hour on the computer.

Plus, you've told us you were doing a study with her.

And by the way, your house is beautiful from above.

And even more so from the street view.

What an unsettling compliment.

So how's it going with you two?

Truth is, I don't really know where we stand.

Except on the other side of our electrified fence.

Yeah, you never know how people feel about you until after you die.

It's something I learned reading "Tom Sawyer"

and killing people.

That's very clever, Wayne,

but I'm still alive.

Yes, you are.

Well, thanks for having me over.

[ alarm buzzing ]

- What the hell's going on? - Lockdown.

Just relax, you'll be safer in the cell.

Must be some kind of riot.

Once again, nobody tells Wayne.

So you really think we're safer in here?

Well, Iam.

[ theme music playing ]

- So how long do these things usually take? - [ faint clamoring ]

Oh, you're uncomfortable.

I'm sorry, I'm not used to having guests.

Please, have a seat, won't you? I--

I'm gonna call the warden.

Just in case he doesn't know what's going on, you know.

[ alarm buzzing ]

Why'd the doors just open?

That's not a question we ask around here, Charlie. Come on, let's go. Go, go, go!

Do you want me to close it so no one takes your stuff or-- I'm just gonna follow you.

Charlie?

I can't believe I went through all the trouble of only being 10 minutes late

and Charlie isn't even here.

Charlie!

Oh, no, it's just you guys.

Other than that top, are you okay?

No! Haven't you been listening to the news?

Charlie's in the middle of a prison riot.

In the middle?!

He should hang out on the side.

TV anchorman: Next, prison riot escalates. Stay tuned.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

I'm a wreck and I have to be calm when Sam gets home.

Here, I've got some samples of "Proloft."

It'll totally help with your anxiety.

Is this legal?

It will be in a minute.

Just sign this thing

that says you're a doctor and you bought them.

Oh, and here's your free coin purse and pen.

- Sam: Mom, Dad. - Oh, my God, Sam's home.

- I don't know what to tell her. - [ TV off ]

- Hey, everybody. - All: Hey.

Mom, I have great news.

I stopped my counting ritual today.

- Really? - Yeah.

I didn't count obsessively all day.

I always thought if I did, something bad would happen, but it didn't.

So... where's Dad?

He's, um, caught in traffic.

He might not be back for hours.

Oh, then why are you guys still here?

Um...

We're celebrating Patrick's birthday.

Right, buddy?

Cool.

Happy birthday, Patrick.

Isn't getting older awesome?

Oh, God.

That is the worst possible thing

one person could do to another.

We just heard a report

that a guard was beaten, stripped,

and thrown from third floor of the prison onto the street.

All right, it's a tie.

Wayne! Wayne.

Who's in charge around here? Is there someone I can talk to?

"Talk to." So cute.

I remember my first prison riot,

we ran around and stabbed everyone in a suit.

Yeah.

Charlie, what's going on?

You said the prisoners couldn't get out of their cages.

Relax, man. There's no reason for them to hurt us.

We're not prisoners and we're not guards.

All right, everybody.

I've talk to the fellas down in cell block D

who are in charge of this whole thing.

They've given their demands, they know we have hostages,

and now it's just a waiting game.

We've got hostages?

I'd hate to be one of those poor sons of bitches.

Oh, you are those poor sons of bitches.

Yeah,

I pretty much figured that out just as I was saying it.

- Michael. - Yeah, yeah.

Think we can move that property before the Fed raises the prime rate?

[ phone ringing ]

Hello?

- Charlie. - Is this Kate?

Uh, I'm calling for Charlie. Who is this?

What are you wearing?

Who the hell is this? Put Charlie on the phone right now.

I wish I could, but Charlie's dead.

What?

Yeah, he fought real good, but he's peaceful now.

Hello?

What the hell are you doing with my phone?

Oh, Kate called.

Why didn't you let me talk to her?

I told her you were dead.

Why did you tell her I was dead?

I told you, Charlie, it's the only way you'll ever know how she really feels about you.

Give me the phone.

Why the hell did you do that?

Charlie, you're not just our hostage,

you're a hostage of love.

But, mostly, you're just our hostage.

Michael, can I borrow your phone? I gotta call Kate and let her know I'm still alive.

I don't have it. I left everything--

my wallet, my watch, my rings-- in the car.

- [ sighs ] - Oh, my God, Charlie.

Did you lock the car?

Michael, focus. We need a phone.

- Did you say you're looking for a phone? - Yes. Do you have one?

- Can I borrow it, please? - Sure. Here you go.

- Uh... - Uh, Charlie.

That guy threw a guard out the window.

I would use the phone.

Thank you.

- Hey, how's it going? - What, are you nuts?

That's your hand. This is the phone.

Of course.

How silly of me.

FBI? Hi.

I think one of those cameras you have trained on me at all times has gone out.

Oh, it's working fine? Good to know. Bye-bye.

- You need a phone, Charlie? - Yes, I do.

I'll get you a phone.

Hey! Any of you guys have a phone?

Sure. Here you go.

Thanks.

A brilliant man, by the way.

He pioneered the use of hidden cameras

in Pancake House restrooms.

He's a genius.

- [ sighs ] - What's the matter?

I don't know Kate's number.

I usually just push a picture of her face and it dials.

Then try Jen or Sam.

I don't know their numbers, either.

How can you not know their numbers?!

This is what's wrong with America!

No progress yet in talks with the inmates.

You know, Ken, these aerial shots

remind me what a beautiful day it is.

So if you're not incarcerated,

be sure to get out there and enjoy the sunshine.

Hey, Patrick, I found your birthday horoscope.

Fantastic.

"Your success will not be measured in money,

but by the friends you make."

[ moans ] Oh, God.

Did-- did I say something wrong?

No, no.

Those are tears of joy, sweetheart.

Just keep that birthday fun coming.

If I actually thought you were going to have another birthday,

I would get so even with you.

All right, Patrick,

it's time for the spanking machine.

Me first. Whoo-hoo!

- How much did you give her? - I looked at the chart and gave her the right amount.

I figured she weighs about 105.

Those are kilograms.

You gave her enough pills for a 240-pound man.

Great, we got the one Indian

who's not good with numbers.

Hello? Oh, thank God.

I've been trying to reach someone at the prison for the last three hours.

I'm trying to find out about Charlie Goodson.

And let me ask you this,

what is your relationship to Mr. Goodson?

I'm his friend. Dr. Kate Wales.

I need to know what's happening.

I heard that Charlie was dead.

Charlie's dead? Oh, my God.

That's terrible.

He was such a good man.

Made me want to be a better person.

No, I didn't say he was dead, you said he was dead.

I'm trying to find out if he's dead!

I understand and I'm here for you.

Now...

how would you describe your breasts?

[ groans, sighs ]

All right, everybody, I got some news.

We lost on every one of our demands.

There's only one left they're even willing to talk about.

What's that?

We wanna bring back meatloaf Thursdays.

[ cheering ]

Okay, okay. Let me see if I got this straight.

I'm gonna get tossed naked out a window for meatloaf?

Man, oh, man, there's a lot of cops in riot gear down there.

You know, if you guys really wanna get what you want,

it might help if you gave them something.

You know, like a hostage.

You know what might be better? If we kill a hostage.

That way, we prove we're serious

and... we get to kill somebody.

[ inmates moan ]

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Charlie has a kid.

If you guys are gonna kill anybody,

you should kill me.

No, no, no, no, no.

Let Michael go.

He's a...

real estate agent

with a motivated buyer.

Maybe he's right. You should kill him.

[ crashes ]

[ hisses ]

Oh, my God! Tear gas!

I think it's safe to assume negotiations have broken down.

- You think?! - [ all coughing ]

All: ♪ And many more.

[ snorts ]

- Hey, everybody. - Nolan: Hey!

- Lacey: Oh, my God. - Patrick: Charlie, are you all right?

- Ed: Charlie, how'd you get out? - Did anyone try to rape you?

He was stuck in traffic. Where do youdrive?

It's okay. The cops broke it up. Everybody's fine.

I'll tell you all about it, but first, I gotta find Jen's phone so I can text Kate.

- Where's Jen? - Last time I saw her,

she was trying to get an empty milk carton to spank her.

What?

She broke into my case and took a bunch of my drug samples.

I tried to stop her, but she had crazy eyes.

I think she was already on something.

Yeah, she was pretty upset about you being in that prison riot.

- Prison riot? - I mean, traffic riot.

Traffic.

You were in a prison riot?!

Oh, my God. I stopped counting today and something bad happened.

Sam, did you ever think that maybe because you stopped counting you kept me safe?

So if I ever count anything again, you could die.

Oh, no.

Good luck on your math test tomorrow.

Hey.

I find out you're alive through a text from your ex-wife's phone.

Hold on, I can explain it--

- You see, nobody knows phone numbers anymore, so-- - Shut up.

[ moans, breathing heavily ]

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking I should tell you I'm dead more often.

I mean, about us.

We need to figure out where we are right now.

How 'bout we just take it day by day?

If I learned anything from my time in the joint it's that life is short.

I just want to be clear about where we are right now.

I mean, we're back to being friends with benefits, right?

I don't wanna label it.

Fine.

Thank you.

How 'bout partners with perks?

No.

Acquaintances with advantages?

Stop that.

Colleagues who copulate?

Our relationship is now amorphous and indefinable.

Fine.

Fine.

We are now friends

with amorphous and indefinable benefits.

No, we're not.

Okay.

Yes, we are.