All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E30.Charlie.and.the.Virgin.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

- Hey.
- Hey there.

Those magazines
are pretty old, huh?

Well, not according to
"Sexiest Man Alive"
Nick Nolte.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

Hey, Doc.

Who was the skirt?

Why are you talking
like it's 1952?

Well, according to your
"Life" magazine out there,

that's current lingo.

Her name is Erica.
She owns the little
gift shop downstairs.

She's the reason why
I asked you to stop by.

I want to bounce
an idea off you.

Erica's situation
is kinda interesting.

She's a virgin.

First time in therapy, huh?

- No.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- You don't mean that--
- Yes.

- No!
- Yes!

- How old?
- 32.

- Childhood trauma?
- No.

- Religious guilt?
- No.

She's been, like,
really busy?

It's the classic scenario.

She was waiting
to fall in love,

never did,
and past a certain point

it became embarrassing,
so she just never dealt
with it.

Good God.
A virgin at 22.

- She's 32.
- Good God!

So I've been seeing
Erica for over a year

and she's anxious
to sleep with someone.

Really?

The idea is causing
her so much stress

that I talked about
arranging a surrogate.

Interesting.

But I'm afraid that
paying someone

for her first
sexual experience

might feel
kind of clinical.

I agree.

Especially if he makes her
wear that little paper gown.

So then I thought--
and I know it's unorthodox--

maybe I should hook her
up with a friend.

I agree with that, too.

Someone who's
sexually experienced,

generous in bed,
someone I can trust,
sensitive.

Well, if you got
a friend like that,
then you should use him.

The problem is,
ethically,

I can't just come out
and ask him to do this
for me.

So you shouldn't.

- Thanks for hearing me out.
- Always there for you.

[ phone chimes ]

It's Erica.
I should go over
this with her.

Yeah.
Gotcha.

Hi, Erica.

Thanks for calling.

I just conferred
with a colleague,

and hearing it out loud
made me realize

we should definitely
go with a professional sex
surrogate.

[ chuckles ]

I don't know.

It's not something
they list on the resume.

Though, clearly,
he's making a living with it.

[ theme music playing ]

Have a great day.

- Erica?
- Hey, I know you.

Hi, I'm Charlie.
Dr. Wales sent me.

She told me a bit about
you and your situation

and I thought it'd be
a good time to stop by
and say hi.

Wow, that was really fast.

I just got off
the phone with her.

Well, Kate doesn't
mess around.

But I do,
that's why she sent me.

Okay.

So you're the guy?

Yup, I'm the guy.

This is really happening.

It's so strange to me,

but I guess you
do this all the time.

Oh, hey, I have dry spells
like everybody else.

I'm just curious,
when did you first realize

you had a talent for this?

Becky Johnson, I guess.

She told all her friends

and I've been pretty busy
ever since.

Referrals, huh?

Okay.

Well, I don't know
if my shop is really
the right place for this.

There's not a lot of space
on the counter.

Yeah, this wouldn't work.

Mostly 'cause
I'm only validated
for another 27 minutes.

Anyway, I thought I'd just
come by and introduce myself

and just make sure
that you're comfortable
with all this.

Honestly,
I'm a little nervous.

But that's why
I want to do this,

so I won't be
nervous anymore.

Good for you.

So how about tonight?

Tonight?
Isn't that kind of quick?

You're 32.

You're right.
Tonight's good.

Great. Great.
I'll just need your address
and we're good to go.

So, was this
your major in college?

Pretty much.

This and Frisbee.

- Hi.
- Hey, baby.

How was Venice Beach?

Did you get that wax
for your surfboard?

No, they turned the surf shop
into a pot dispensary.

Turns out they've been
selling pot the whole time.

So they just got rid
of the surfboards.

But Canvas
did get a tattoo.
Want to show her?

It says "free spirit"
in Chinese.

Oh, my God.
That's so beautiful.

I'm glad
you like it, Mom,

because I got one, too.

Oh, my God,
that's horrible.

But you just said that
you thought it was beautiful.

That's different.

He's a grown-up.
He's not my daughter.

And I don't think
he's ever going to apply
for a real job.

How could you
let her do this?

Free spirit.

You know what?
I need a minute.

I have to figure out
how I'm gonna handle
this with your father.

You're both grounded.
You, go to your room.

You, go to your van.

Wow, she was
really bummed.

Maybe we should tell
her these are fake.

No way. She's always
bugging me to loosen up
and take chances.

Now that she thinks
I did this, we've got
to let her live with it.

Please,
just one more day.

I get it.
I pulled a prank on
my parents one time.

I told them I was
dropping out of school

and I was gonna
live in my car.

Oh, my God.
My whole life's
been a prank.

That's awesome.

I understand you're looking
for an intimacy specialist

for a 32-year-old virgin.

Yes, and you come
highly recommended.

You know, I was wavering
between going with you

and a layperson,
which ironically sounds

a lot like what you do.
[ laughs ]

Let's move on.

Thank God you didn't
choose a layperson.

Because that could
be disastrous.

Someone who hasn't been
trained properly

might cause a sexually
repressed woman

to form unhealthy
attachments

by being, say,
overly romantic.

Wow. Erica,
you look beautiful.

Oh, my God.
This is so romantic.

Well, then I am doing
everything right.

I am not a racist.
I just made a joke.

[ laughs ]

How did we even
end up on guns?

We were talking about
the weather.

You give Ed any topic
and he can get to guns
in six moves.

It's cloudy outside.
Clouds make rain.

Dustin Hoffman
played Rain Man.

Dustin Hoffman's a Jew.

All Jews are liberals.

Liberals want to
take away my guns.

Ha, I did it in five.

Now do cotton candy.

Cotton candy?
I love cotton candy.

Anybody who tries
to take away my cotton candy

gets shot with my gun.
One.

Hey, guys.

Patrick, can I talk
to you for a second?

Look, I have a big problem.
Sam came home with a tattoo.

I've got to get it removed
before Charlie's head explodes.

It's not a tattoo
of Charlie's head
exploding, is it?

'Cause that would
be a real coincidence.

Look, you told me once
you had a tattoo removed.

I need a referral.
Who did it?

Oh, my God.
Don't do it.
It is too painful

and it never
comes out right.

Doesn't it
just disappear?

Kind of.

Oh, look,
it left a mark.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You know that feeling
where you've done something
good for somebody

and you just know
it's going to change
their life?

And you got
a little something good
out of it, too?

Yeah, I did something
really good for Erica.

Yeah, you did.

Oh, did I tell you
I met with Dr. Higgins

and he's gonna be her
sex surrogate?

Dr. Who-gins?

- Higgins.
- What happened with just
going with a friend?

Yeah, I was thinking
of asking my friend Miguel.

Who?

[ sighs ]
Thank God I didn't.

I realized you have to go
with a professional

or else it could be
a real disaster.

Disaster?
I'm sure the guy would
have been very romantic.

Yeah, that's exactly
the problem.

A professional sex surrogate
knows just what to do

to keep the client from
getting emotionally attached.

Obviously.

An amateur might have
brought her flowers and wine

and carried her
into the bedroom.

Ugh, can you imagine?

Pretty clearly.

So, I'm sorry,
I changed the subject.

You were talking
about that feeling

when you do something
good for someone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was just gonna say

how quickly that feeling
just goes away.

Charlie:
You don't understand,
Michael.

I deflowered somebody
else's virgin.

I parked my car
in a red zone.

And she's 32?
That's crazy.

I mean,
23 and four months

has got to be about
average, right?

23 is fine.
The four months, though,

I'd keep that part
to yourself.

I've always wanted
to make love to a virgin.

Someone with nothing
to compare me to.

I don't know.
First time I ate
brussels sprouts,

I knew I hated them.

Why do I even
come over here?

I never leave
feeling better
than when I arrive.

I just wanted her first time
to be really special.

By bringing romance into it,
I created an emotional bond.

And now it's going
to blow up in my face.

So you think
she's gonna be clingy

and follow you around
like a baby duck?

Man,
you have got some ego.

[ knocks ]

Oh, my God.
It's the duck.

[ whispers ]
One minute.

What should I do?

I would ride
that for as much sex
as I possibly could

until it blew up
in my face.

And then
I'd crawl weeping

from the emotional
wreckage.

It's not my advice,
it's just what I'd do.

Do me a favor.

Take this into the group.
Tell them I'll be right there.

- Should I give
them a reason?
- You won't need to.

They'll spend the first
five minutes bitching to
each other about the muffins.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I didn't know
if you'd be home.

I was just gonna leave
this here for you.

Wow, a flower,
a note,

and you found out
where I live.

I hope I didn't
cross the line.

I just wanted to come
and thank you

for helping me
lose my virginity

and for being
so sweet about it.

Turns out they don't
make a card for that.

Yet they make
get-well cards for cats.

"Heard you had a meowie."

Anyway, I just wanted
to tell you

that I know what last night
was and I don't expect

to see you again,
but that it was
really great.

So good work.

That's all
you're here for?

Yeah.
That was it.

Well, take care.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

There's something
I got to tell you.

I'm not a professional
sex surrogate.

What?

I'm a therapist.
I'm a colleague of Kate's.

Last night was
my first time, too.

As a sex surrogate?

Oh, yeah, obviously
not the other part.

Wow.

Okay.

Let me just process this.

You know what?
It's actually a relief.

I mean, when I thought
you were a professional,

I was afraid you'd slept
with tons of women.

Yeah.

So if you're not
a surrogate,

does that mean

we're allowed to keep
seeing each other?

How the hell would I know?
I'm not a professional.

I would love to.
I'm just not sure Kate would
be too thrilled about it.

Why does Kate
have to know?

First the sex,
then the secrets.

What's next?

Anything you want.

Wow. They should
make a card for that.

So how much do you
charge for a belt?

I don't charge.
I barter.

Yesterday,
I traded one
for a dog.

And then I traded the dog
for a guitar.

And then the guitar
for a dog leash.

What do you need
the leash for?

To walk the dog.

Oh, bummer.

Oh, hey,
beauty.

I just saved
both your asses.

Thank you so much.
What are you talking about?

Oh, my God.
You got a tattoo?

Damn right I did.
Mine says "sacrifice."

Now I can tell your dad
it was my idea

that we all got
matching tattoos.

He'll be mad at me,
not you.

And he won't strangle you
with one of your belts.

Okay, what's going on?

Uh, beauty, I...

[ inhales ]

I have a truth
to share.

- Our tattoos
are fake, Mom.
- What?!

I was doing it
to try to make a point

about you accepting
me as I am.

I'm so sorry.

My tattoo's real.

It's gonna be there
forever.

And it's not even Tinker Bell
wearing a cowboy hat,

which is what
I always wanted.

We can go back
and you can get that one

and I'll get a real one
just like you.

You think I want you walking
around like some slut

with a tattoo on the back
of your neck?

Oh, my God.

- [ knocks ]
- Ready for lunch?

It is gorgeous outside.

I just saw a dove
kissing a butterfly.

He was probably eating it.

It's possible.
I mean, I was dead wrong

about that cheetah playing
tag with the gazelle
on Animal Planet.

Boy, in Africa,
when you're it, you're it.

- [ scoffs ]
- What's going on with you?

You know that sensitive
professional surrogate

- I hired for Erica?
- I've got to go.

That low-life bastard
is dating her now.

- How do you know that?
- I just talked to Erica
on the phone.

She's dating someone now,
but she won't tell me
who it is.

Who else can it be?

Can you believe
how unethical that jerk is?

Hell, yeah.
It's totally unethical.

For a professional
surrogate.

I'm gonna file a report
with the APA.

No, no, no, no.
You know what would
be better?

Don't talk to him.
Don't even read his e-mails.
That'll teach him.

- [ knocks ]
- Kate, I just got
your message.

I got here
as soon as I could.

How dare you take advantage
of one of my patients?

- What are you talking about?
- Oh, so you're the guy.

I got a few things to say
to you, mister.

Kate, would you
give us a minute?

- It's my office.
- You're right.

We'll leave.
Come on, buddy.
Let's go.

No,
I'll take care of this.

Do you have any idea
what an ethical violation

it is for you
to be dating Erica?

Dating?
I haven't even
called her yet.

That's a lie.

Yeah, you can't just come in
here with all your lies.

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

Now get out of here
and never contact Kate again.

I'm gonna call
the ethics board
right now.

Now hold on.
Hold on. Hold on.
Don't do that.

Let's just try to look
at this subjectively.

You mean objectively.

No, that's not
gonna help.

All right, let's say
that he is dating her.

I'm not dating her.

Will you shut up?
I'm trying to help you here.

A relationship with
a healthy man like this

following a sexual awakening
might be the best thing that
ever happened to her.

And a real feather
in your cap.

- Charlie.
- Yeah?

What's going on?

I'll tell you
what's going on.

First of all,
you look beautiful.

I should have said
something when I walked in,

- but, hey, it's never
too late to say--
- What is it, Charlie?

- Yeah, what is it?
- Shut up!

[ sighs ]

Have you ever accidentally
slept with someone before?

No.

You are really not
helping here, pal.

I am so sorry about
the misunderstanding.

- I will call you tomorrow.
- You should report this guy.

Shut up.
You're one step away
from being a whore.

How could you sleep
with my patient?

Your directions
were very confusing.

Sometimes the way
you phrase things,

it sounds like
you want me to have sex
with your patients.

You have no idea
the problems
you've caused.

She actually thinks
she's gonna keep dating you.

We are gonna keep dating.
We have fun together.

In fact, I happen to know
I'm the best lover
she's ever had.

Okay, you misunderstood
me before,

so I'm gonna be
very clear on this.

I do not want you
dating Erica.

Kate, I'm a therapist.
I understand the pitfalls.
But I like her.

- It won't work.
- Why not?

Because you can't put
a woman who just got
her driver's permit

behind the wheel of a guy
who's banged a million women.

Wow. I didn't think
you were gonna pull off

the metaphor,
but you actually did.

So how did you
lose your virginity?

Baseball camp.
There was one girl
on the team

and every day she wanted to
prove she was one of the guys.

And then one night
she decided to prove
that she wasn't.

[ laughs ]

Good-looking guy, huh?

What? No.

I'm just thinking about
what I wanted to order.

Erica, it's okay.
This is all new to you.

You're just wondering
what it would be like

to be with another
super handsome guy.

No, not at all.

[ man moans ]

I feel like having meat.

- What?
- For dinner.

For dinner.

Erica, I'm not threatened.
It's perfectly natural

for an attractive
person to look at other
attractive people.

Yeah, like that
tall guy over there.

I bet I'd feel so small
and helpless next to him.

[ sighs ]
Okay, we need to talk.

Here's what's happening.
You just had your first steak.

And it was really good.
I'm talking five stars on Yelp.

And pretty soon you'll be
curious about Indian food

and Italian food and...

[ sighs ]
whatever the hell kind
of food that guy is.

- And that's healthy.
- Is it?

I just think since
I've shut myself off to men
for so long,

now it's like they're half
the population or something.

It's a shame,
because you're really great.

What are you saying?

I'm saying that
this won't work.

You shouldn't be
tied down by me.

You should be tied down
by lots of guys.

- But I really like you.
- And I like you, too.

But trust me,
you need to get out there

and experience
all kinds of people.

And once you've gotten
that out of your system,
if you're still interested,

get tested
and come back to me.

So you got this thing

to keep me from
killing Canvas?

Yeah, when I thought
he took Sam

to get a tattoo,
I overreacted.

No, you got it right.
I would have strangled him
with one of his legs

and then made it
look like a yoga accident.

Hey.
Hey, dig the new tattoo.

Thanks.
It's a long story.

You know, I spent
a few months studying
in Shanghai.

Why does it say
"sack of rice"?

What?

It's supposed to
say "sacrifice."

Damn it!

So, you wanted
to talk to me?

Yes. Yes.

I just wanted
you to know

that I thought about
what you said,

so I broke it off
with Erica.

It was the right thing
to do.

So she left you to take
a tour of Bonertown, right?

Yup.
She's on a cockabout.