Original subtitles

- Hey. - Hey there.

Those magazines are pretty old, huh?

Well, not according to "Sexiest Man Alive" Nick Nolte.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

Hey, Doc.

Who was the skirt?

Why are you talking like it's 1952?

Well, according to your "Life" magazine out there,

that's current lingo.

Her name is Erica. She owns the little gift shop downstairs.

She's the reason why I asked you to stop by.

I want to bounce an idea off you.

Erica's situation is kinda interesting.

She's a virgin.

First time in therapy, huh?

- No. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- You don't mean that-- - Yes.

- No! - Yes!

- How old? - 32.

- Childhood trauma? - No.

- Religious guilt? - No.

She's been, like, really busy?

It's the classic scenario.

She was waiting to fall in love,

never did, and past a certain point

it became embarrassing, so she just never dealt with it.

Good God. A virgin at 22.

- She's 32. - Good God!

So I've been seeing Erica for over a year

and she's anxious to sleep with someone.

Really?

The idea is causing her so much stress

that I talked about arranging a surrogate.

Interesting.

But I'm afraid that paying someone

for her first sexual experience

might feel kind of clinical.

I agree.

Especially if he makes her wear that little paper gown.

So then I thought-- and I know it's unorthodox--

maybe I should hook her up with a friend.

I agree with that, too.

Someone who's sexually experienced,

generous in bed, someone I can trust, sensitive.

Well, if you got a friend like that, then you should use him.

The problem is, ethically,

I can't just come out and ask him to do this for me.

So you shouldn't.

- Thanks for hearing me out. - Always there for you.

[ phone chimes ]

It's Erica. I should go over this with her.

Yeah. Gotcha.

Hi, Erica.

Thanks for calling.

I just conferred with a colleague,

and hearing it out loud made me realize

we should definitely go with a professional sex surrogate.

[ chuckles ]

I don't know.

It's not something they list on the resume.

Though, clearly, he's making a living with it.

[ theme music playing ]

Have a great day.

- Erica? - Hey, I know you.

Hi, I'm Charlie. Dr. Wales sent me.

She told me a bit about you and your situation

and I thought it'd be a good time to stop by and say hi.

Wow, that was really fast.

I just got off the phone with her.

Well, Kate doesn't mess around.

But I do, that's why she sent me.

Okay.

So you're the guy?

Yup, I'm the guy.

This is really happening.

It's so strange to me,

but I guess you do this all the time.

Oh, hey, I have dry spells like everybody else.

I'm just curious, when did you first realize

you had a talent for this?

Becky Johnson, I guess.

She told all her friends

and I've been pretty busy ever since.

Referrals, huh?

Okay.

Well, I don't know if my shop is really the right place for this.

There's not a lot of space on the counter.

Yeah, this wouldn't work.

Mostly 'cause I'm only validated for another 27 minutes.

Anyway, I thought I'd just come by and introduce myself

and just make sure that you're comfortable with all this.

Honestly, I'm a little nervous.

But that's why I want to do this,

so I won't be nervous anymore.

Good for you.

So how about tonight?

Tonight? Isn't that kind of quick?

You're 32.

You're right. Tonight's good.

Great. Great. I'll just need your address and we're good to go.

So, was this your major in college?

Pretty much.

This and Frisbee.

- Hi. - Hey, baby.

How was Venice Beach?

Did you get that wax for your surfboard?

No, they turned the surf shop into a pot dispensary.

Turns out they've been selling pot the whole time.

So they just got rid of the surfboards.

But Canvas did get a tattoo. Want to show her?

It says "free spirit" in Chinese.

Oh, my God. That's so beautiful.

I'm glad you like it, Mom,

because I got one, too.

Oh, my God, that's horrible.

But you just said that you thought it was beautiful.

That's different.

He's a grown-up. He's not my daughter.

And I don't think he's ever going to apply for a real job.

How could you let her do this?

Free spirit.

You know what? I need a minute.

I have to figure out how I'm gonna handle this with your father.

You're both grounded. You, go to your room.

You, go to your van.

Wow, she was really bummed.

Maybe we should tell her these are fake.

No way. She's always bugging me to loosen up and take chances.

Now that she thinks I did this, we've got to let her live with it.

Please, just one more day.

I get it. I pulled a prank on my parents one time.

I told them I was dropping out of school

and I was gonna live in my car.

Oh, my God. My whole life's been a prank.

That's awesome.

I understand you're looking for an intimacy specialist

for a 32-year-old virgin.

Yes, and you come highly recommended.

You know, I was wavering between going with you

and a layperson, which ironically sounds

a lot like what you do. [ laughs ]

Let's move on.

Thank God you didn't choose a layperson.

Because that could be disastrous.

Someone who hasn't been trained properly

might cause a sexually repressed woman

to form unhealthy attachments

by being, say, overly romantic.

Wow. Erica, you look beautiful.

Oh, my God. This is so romantic.

Well, then I am doing everything right.

I am not a racist. I just made a joke.

[ laughs ]

How did we even end up on guns?

We were talking about the weather.

You give Ed any topic and he can get to guns in six moves.

It's cloudy outside. Clouds make rain.

Dustin Hoffman played Rain Man.

Dustin Hoffman's a Jew.

All Jews are liberals.

Liberals want to take away my guns.

Ha, I did it in five.

Now do cotton candy.

Cotton candy? I love cotton candy.

Anybody who tries to take away my cotton candy

gets shot with my gun. One.

Hey, guys.

Patrick, can I talk to you for a second?

Look, I have a big problem. Sam came home with a tattoo.

I've got to get it removed before Charlie's head explodes.

It's not a tattoo of Charlie's head exploding, is it?

'Cause that would be a real coincidence.

Look, you told me once you had a tattoo removed.

I need a referral. Who did it?

Oh, my God. Don't do it. It is too painful

and it never comes out right.

Doesn't it just disappear?

Kind of.

Oh, look, it left a mark.

- Hey. - Hey.

You know that feeling where you've done something good for somebody

and you just know it's going to change their life?

And you got a little something good out of it, too?

Yeah, I did something really good for Erica.

Yeah, you did.

Oh, did I tell you I met with Dr. Higgins

and he's gonna be her sex surrogate?

Dr. Who-gins?

- Higgins. - What happened with just going with a friend?

Yeah, I was thinking of asking my friend Miguel.

Who?

[ sighs ] Thank God I didn't.

I realized you have to go with a professional

or else it could be a real disaster.

Disaster? I'm sure the guy would have been very romantic.

Yeah, that's exactly the problem.

A professional sex surrogate knows just what to do

to keep the client from getting emotionally attached.

Obviously.

An amateur might have brought her flowers and wine

and carried her into the bedroom.

Ugh, can you imagine?

Pretty clearly.

So, I'm sorry, I changed the subject.

You were talking about that feeling

when you do something good for someone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just gonna say

how quickly that feeling just goes away.

Charlie: You don't understand, Michael.

I deflowered somebody else's virgin.

I parked my car in a red zone.

And she's 32? That's crazy.

I mean, 23 and four months

has got to be about average, right?

23 is fine. The four months, though,

I'd keep that part to yourself.

I've always wanted to make love to a virgin.

Someone with nothing to compare me to.

I don't know. First time I ate brussels sprouts,

I knew I hated them.

Why do I even come over here?

I never leave feeling better than when I arrive.

I just wanted her first time to be really special.

By bringing romance into it, I created an emotional bond.

And now it's going to blow up in my face.

So you think she's gonna be clingy

and follow you around like a baby duck?

Man, you have got some ego.

[ knocks ]

Oh, my God. It's the duck.

[ whispers ] One minute.

What should I do?

I would ride that for as much sex as I possibly could

until it blew up in my face.

And then I'd crawl weeping

from the emotional wreckage.

It's not my advice, it's just what I'd do.

Do me a favor.

Take this into the group. Tell them I'll be right there.

- Should I give them a reason? - You won't need to.

They'll spend the first five minutes bitching to each other about the muffins.

- Hi. - Hi.

I didn't know if you'd be home.

I was just gonna leave this here for you.

Wow, a flower, a note,

and you found out where I live.

I hope I didn't cross the line.

I just wanted to come and thank you

for helping me lose my virginity

and for being so sweet about it.

Turns out they don't make a card for that.

Yet they make get-well cards for cats.

"Heard you had a meowie."

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you

that I know what last night was and I don't expect

to see you again, but that it was really great.

So good work.

That's all you're here for?

Yeah. That was it.

Well, take care.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

There's something I got to tell you.

I'm not a professional sex surrogate.

What?

I'm a therapist. I'm a colleague of Kate's.

Last night was my first time, too.

As a sex surrogate?

Oh, yeah, obviously not the other part.

Wow.

Okay.

Let me just process this.

You know what? It's actually a relief.

I mean, when I thought you were a professional,

I was afraid you'd slept with tons of women.

Yeah.

So if you're not a surrogate,

does that mean

we're allowed to keep seeing each other?

How the hell would I know? I'm not a professional.

I would love to. I'm just not sure Kate would be too thrilled about it.

Why does Kate have to know?

First the sex, then the secrets.

What's next?

Anything you want.

Wow. They should make a card for that.

So how much do you charge for a belt?

I don't charge. I barter.

Yesterday, I traded one for a dog.

And then I traded the dog for a guitar.

And then the guitar for a dog leash.

What do you need the leash for?

To walk the dog.

Oh, bummer.

Oh, hey, beauty.

I just saved both your asses.

Thank you so much. What are you talking about?

Oh, my God. You got a tattoo?

Damn right I did. Mine says "sacrifice."

Now I can tell your dad it was my idea

that we all got matching tattoos.

He'll be mad at me, not you.

And he won't strangle you with one of your belts.

Okay, what's going on?

Uh, beauty, I...

[ inhales ]

I have a truth to share.

- Our tattoos are fake, Mom. - What?!

I was doing it to try to make a point

about you accepting me as I am.

I'm so sorry.

My tattoo's real.

It's gonna be there forever.

And it's not even Tinker Bell wearing a cowboy hat,

which is what I always wanted.

We can go back and you can get that one

and I'll get a real one just like you.

You think I want you walking around like some slut

with a tattoo on the back of your neck?

Oh, my God.

- [ knocks ] - Ready for lunch?

It is gorgeous outside.

I just saw a dove kissing a butterfly.

He was probably eating it.

It's possible. I mean, I was dead wrong

about that cheetah playing tag with the gazelle on Animal Planet.

Boy, in Africa, when you're it, you're it.

- [ scoffs ] - What's going on with you?

You know that sensitive professional surrogate

- I hired for Erica? - I've got to go.

That low-life bastard is dating her now.

- How do you know that? - I just talked to Erica on the phone.

She's dating someone now, but she won't tell me who it is.

Who else can it be?

Can you believe how unethical that jerk is?

Hell, yeah. It's totally unethical.

For a professional surrogate.

I'm gonna file a report with the APA.

No, no, no, no. You know what would be better?

Don't talk to him. Don't even read his e-mails. That'll teach him.

- [ knocks ] - Kate, I just got your message.

I got here as soon as I could.

How dare you take advantage of one of my patients?

- What are you talking about? - Oh, so you're the guy.

I got a few things to say to you, mister.

Kate, would you give us a minute?

- It's my office. - You're right.

We'll leave. Come on, buddy. Let's go.

No, I'll take care of this.

Do you have any idea what an ethical violation

it is for you to be dating Erica?

Dating? I haven't even called her yet.

That's a lie.

Yeah, you can't just come in here with all your lies.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Now get out of here and never contact Kate again.

I'm gonna call the ethics board right now.

Now hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Don't do that.

Let's just try to look at this subjectively.

You mean objectively.

No, that's not gonna help.

All right, let's say that he is dating her.

I'm not dating her.

Will you shut up? I'm trying to help you here.

A relationship with a healthy man like this

following a sexual awakening might be the best thing that ever happened to her.

And a real feather in your cap.

- Charlie. - Yeah?

What's going on?

I'll tell you what's going on.

First of all, you look beautiful.

I should have said something when I walked in,

- but, hey, it's never too late to say-- - What is it, Charlie?

- Yeah, what is it? - Shut up!

[ sighs ]

Have you ever accidentally slept with someone before?

No.

You are really not helping here, pal.

I am so sorry about the misunderstanding.

- I will call you tomorrow. - You should report this guy.

Shut up. You're one step away from being a whore.

How could you sleep with my patient?

Your directions were very confusing.

Sometimes the way you phrase things,

it sounds like you want me to have sex with your patients.

You have no idea the problems you've caused.

She actually thinks she's gonna keep dating you.

We are gonna keep dating. We have fun together.

In fact, I happen to know I'm the best lover she's ever had.

Okay, you misunderstood me before,

so I'm gonna be very clear on this.

I do not want you dating Erica.

Kate, I'm a therapist. I understand the pitfalls. But I like her.

- It won't work. - Why not?

Because you can't put a woman who just got her driver's permit

behind the wheel of a guy who's banged a million women.

Wow. I didn't think you were gonna pull off

the metaphor, but you actually did.

So how did you lose your virginity?

Baseball camp. There was one girl on the team

and every day she wanted to prove she was one of the guys.

And then one night she decided to prove that she wasn't.

[ laughs ]

Good-looking guy, huh?

What? No.

I'm just thinking about what I wanted to order.

Erica, it's okay. This is all new to you.

You're just wondering what it would be like

to be with another super handsome guy.

No, not at all.

[ man moans ]

I feel like having meat.

- What? - For dinner.

For dinner.

Erica, I'm not threatened. It's perfectly natural

for an attractive person to look at other attractive people.

Yeah, like that tall guy over there.

I bet I'd feel so small and helpless next to him.

[ sighs ] Okay, we need to talk.

Here's what's happening. You just had your first steak.

And it was really good. I'm talking five stars on Yelp.

And pretty soon you'll be curious about Indian food

and Italian food and...

[ sighs ] whatever the hell kind of food that guy is.

- And that's healthy. - Is it?

I just think since I've shut myself off to men for so long,

now it's like they're half the population or something.

It's a shame, because you're really great.

What are you saying?

I'm saying that this won't work.

You shouldn't be tied down by me.

You should be tied down by lots of guys.

- But I really like you. - And I like you, too.

But trust me, you need to get out there

and experience all kinds of people.

And once you've gotten that out of your system, if you're still interested,

get tested and come back to me.

So you got this thing

to keep me from killing Canvas?

Yeah, when I thought he took Sam

to get a tattoo, I overreacted.

No, you got it right. I would have strangled him with one of his legs

and then made it look like a yoga accident.

Hey. Hey, dig the new tattoo.

Thanks. It's a long story.

You know, I spent a few months studying in Shanghai.

Why does it say "sack of rice"?

What?

It's supposed to say "sacrifice."

Damn it!

So, you wanted to talk to me?

Yes. Yes.

I just wanted you to know

that I thought about what you said,

so I broke it off with Erica.

It was the right thing to do.

So she left you to take a tour of Bonertown, right?

Yup. She's on a cockabout.