Original subtitles

- Hey, Charlie. - Charlie.

Hey, Sean. Glad you're back at group.

- Thank you. - [ door shuts ]

You guys just did a bro hug.

That's like the male version of,

"Oh, my God, I love your shoes."

Sean, the group will be here any minute if you wanna head in.

- I'm gonna miss you, babe. - Oh.

- I'm gonna miss you, too, babe. - Ah, young love.

It's so much cuter than what's going on right here.

Sean, do you wanna grab this?

- Mm-hmm. - I'll follow you with the coffee.

- All right. - [ Jen sighs ]

- See you later, babe. - Keep walking, babe.

I finally get to use the shower

and Ed has once again helped himself

to my milk and honey soap with oatmeal and shea butter.

Can you blame him?

Sounds delicious.

What makes you think I'm using your soap?

Your hairs are all over it.

They can't be Ed hairs.

He doesn't have any-- oh, my God!

I'm at the age where they're jumping ship.

I can't stop 'em.

You know how they say that

any conversation in therapy can lead to something good?

Well, they were wrong.

I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Uh, why is the old man

living with the gay man?

It's a long story, but the gay man

tricked the old man into thinking he won the lottery.

I told Patrick

if Ed thought he was rich, he'd go crazy and leave his wife.

You said nothing.

You said it would be funny.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

Aren't you guys supposed to be helping each other not be angry?

Yeah, what's wrong with you people?

You're such idiots.

See you all next week.

Did you see what I saw?

Yeah. I noticed it all throughout session.

A man Ed's age should wear socks with his shoes.

Yeah, that could destroy a relationship, too.

[ theme music playing ]

It's been the happiest 11 years of my life

and I can't imagine not being married to her.

Oh, thanks. Me, too.

Well, thank you both very much for coming in.

- Real pleasure. - Thanks.

- Nice to meet you. - Bye-bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

It is so nice to see a couple that happy.

They'll be divorced in six months.

What? How do you know?

I just know. I felt it the second I saw them.

That's so unlike you, you know, to feel something.

It's not a feeling, it's science.

It's like that Gladwell book "Blink."

Our subconscious makes a thousand calculations

and decides things before we're even aware of it.

I knew they were doomed the second they walked in.

Come on. You don't know what you're talking about.

Excuse me. My lovely wife left her $600 sunglasses here.

Third time this month and next time,

I make the bitch pay for them.

"B-link."

Oh, man. [ sighs ]

What is it?

I think I "blinked" something today in group.

The guy Jen's "blinking" is blinking someone else.

Here's the worst part...

I think he's cheating on her with Lacey.

You'd think it goes without saying,

but that's why you don't have your ex-wife's new boyfriend

in your therapy group.

Just once, I'd like something to actually

"go without saying."

That wouldn't be any fun, but, of course,

that goes without saying.

- Ed, I bought you some socks. - [ water running ]

No more excuses.

- Where are you? - Ed: In the shower.

[ sighs ] Of course.

[ cell phone rings ]

Nolan, you don't need to keep checking in.

I already told you, Ed and I are never going to have a party

and forget to invite you.

No, that's not what I'm calling about this time.

I've been robbed!

Are you serious? Are you okay?

Yeah, I guess.

They took just about everything.

I'm pretty shaken up.

Are you hurt?

A little.

They kept saying my stuff was crap.

Okay, we'll be right over.

- Okay, thanks. - Bye.

Ed, hurry up. Nolan's been robbed and we have to get over there.

- I'm almost done. - Seriously, what are you doing?

I'm washing your soap.

It's a damn oxymoron.

This is a pretty racy costume for a high school musical.

We're doing "Chicago."

We have to stay authentic to the times and the story, Mom.

Yeah, right.

Admit it, you just like looking hot.

I get it.

I got sent home by the principal

for wearing a blouse that was too revealing.

Really? What grade were you in?

All of 'em.

[ knocks on door ]

All right, freeze.

What is she doing wearing your old wedding dress?

We're doing "Chicago" and I'm going to be a chorus girl.

- [ exhales sharply ] - Mom said it was okay.

- I can't believe this. - What, that our little girl's growing up?

No, that I have to go to a musical.

- Jen, let me ask you something. - Hmm.

How did you know I was cheating?

I walked in on you in that hotel room in Atlanta.

And you said she was a physical therapist, but I didn't buy it.

Because you had a gut feeling, right?

Because you had your penis inside her.

Right. Again, so sorry about all that.

Well, Jen, I've got a gut feeling about Sean.

- He's cheating? - I think so.

Oh, my God. What did you see?

- Was he kissing someone? - Well, no, no.

Her shoulder kind of

brushed up against his shoulder.

And then what happened?

That-- that was about it,

but that-- that was enough.

Damn it.

That lying, cheating shoulder-brusher.

- You're not taking me seriously, are you? - No, I am not.

Charlie, you have had it out for this guy from day one.

Get out!

I'm only telling you this because I care about you.

Get out!

Jen, I know cheating.

If it walks like a Charlie and talks like a Charlie,

it's screwing somebody--

- [ knocks on door ] - Who is it?

- Patrick: It's us. - Prove you're not the robbers.

Ed: You're an idiot.

Robbers wouldn't know that.

- Thanks for coming, guys. - Oh, my God.

They really did take everything.

I'm so sorry, Nolan.

Did you write a list for the police?

Yeah, right here.

TV, PlayStation...

okay, where's the rest?

That was it.

You're telling me that's all they took?

This is how you live?

What about your furniture? Where'd you sit?

Oh, my God. They took my milk crate, too.

Well, at least they didn't take the thing I care about the most.

Turtle.

Turtle the parakeet?

Turtle's great. He keeps me company.

Sometimes I feel like he's the only one who listens

- without interrupting-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it.

Look, what do you need from us?

I don't know.

Can you just hang for a while?

I'm a little nervous to be here alone.

Sure.

If they come back, we'll be prepared.

Wow. Is that real?

Sure, it's real.

Feel how heavy that is.

Ed, what the hell are you thinking?!

Did you have a gun

in my apartment this whole time?!

No. I had three guns.

Look at me, I'm in a John Woo movie. [ mimics gunshots ]

Hey, give me that.

Patrick, there is nothing wrong with guns.

If somebody breaks into your home,

what are you gonna do, their hair?

No.

Bang! Too late, I shot ya.

- No, I would-- - Bang!

I shot you again. You're dead. Stop moving.

So without any real evidence,

you told Jen her boyfriend's cheating?

I had the "Blink" instinct.

Oh, that's different.

I read that book and it's true.

I can walk into a bar and instantly spot

every single woman

who's not gonna wanna sleep with me.

So you mean "every single woman"?

- [ knocks on door ] - Sean: Hey, Charlie,

why don't you come open the door so I can kick your ass?

- You better get outta here. I gotta deal with this guy. - Are you sure?

My "Blink" instinct tells me this guy wants to kick your ass.

Don't worry. He's not gonna hurt me.

He lives off Jen and Jen lives off me.

If he kills me, he'll starve to death.

- See ya. - All right.

Hi. What's going on?

You lying son of a bitch.

You told Jen

that I was cheating on her and she kicked me out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. She didn't believe me.

So if she kicked you out, that's from something she found out on her own.

She found a couple of calls that I made to Lacey.

I knew it! The shoulder bump.

I was calling Lacey

because she has club connections

and that's my industry, dude.

I'm busting my ass to try and get a job.

Spinning an excuse

to cover your tracks and look like a hero.

Cheating technique number one.

Look, you are talking to a former professional cheater.

Really, what happened?

It got in your way of your new career as a full-time douchebag?

Accusing the accuser?

You bore me, son.

Oh, and by the way,

consoling a newly divorced friend...

I invented that.

The divorce rate in the '90s was like a gift to me.

All right. That was a lie.

Because I was on a job interview.

Why would you lie about being on a job interview?

Because it was the 15th job interview

I've been on in the last month.

And every time that I fail, I have to see my girlfriend

pretend like she's not disappointed,

but I can see it in her eyes.

And then when you look in the garbage

and you see a cupcake with "Congratulations"

written on the top of it...

you don't eat that cupcake. You know why?

Because it was touching

an old Q-tip and a banana peel?

Because you feel like dirt.

And you feel like you don't deserve a cupcake.

Cheating technique number two:

[ mimics crying ] the sob story.

Nice try, but it's not gonna work on me.

Especially when I can call Lacey right now and find out the truth.

- Call her. - I will.

- [ cell phone rings, beeps ] - Oh, hey, Charlie.

- Can you talk? - Yeah, I'm not doing anything.

Oh, and I took your advice.

I'm hand-free. Super safe.

- [ horn honks ] - One lane, Grandma. I'm doing my eyes.

Lacey, I need you to tell me the truth.

Are you and Sean having a relationship?

Hot Sean from the group?

Yes, Lacey,

"hot Sean from the group."

No. I'm just helping him find a job,

you know, because I care about people.

- [ horn honks ] - Walk faster, you fat ass.

Lacey, you've never lied to me before, so if you tell me

there's nothing going on with you and Sean, I will believe you.

Of course not 'cause that would be against the rules.

I mean, you've still got that rule, right?

'Cause if you don't have that rule, then--

I still got the rule!

I'm sorry to bother you. I'll see you in group. Bye-bye.

God.

So, uh, what technique

do you call it when you find out that I was telling the truth?

Technique 14b:

where the accuser realizes that he was wrong all along

and should've minded his own business.

Huh.

So...

♪ Someone deserves a cupcake. ♪

[ knocks on door ]

Go away, you lying, cheating piece of crap!

It's Charlie.

Oh.

Well, then, it still applies.

I hate you all.

Look, I know you're upset,

but I'm gonna tell you something that's gonna make you very, very angry.

And then I'm gonna kill you.

But wait, there's more.

I'm also gonna tell you something that's gonna make you very, very happy.

So why don't we just focus on the happy and blow off the rest?

- What is it? - Remember that stupid thing I told you about Sean?

He was all, you know, cheating and everything.

Well, guess what.

Turns out, I goofed.

And a goof doesn't sound so bad, right?

So he wasn't cheating?

Actually, I found out that he was going out at night

trying to get a job at a club and Lacey was helping.

I'm sorry.

I kicked him out of the house all because of you?

Yes.

That's the great news! Congratulations!

Hi, babe.

Perfect timing.

Babe, why did you bring me flowers?

- I'm the one who was wrong. - No, babe.

I know how bad you felt when you thought I cheated on you

and I don't ever want you to go through something like that.

I should have just told you where I was in the first place.

Oh, babe.

Oh.

[ moans ]

All right, well, I'm gonna...

just gonna...

Unless, of course, you guys need anything.

Nothing at all?

You're both good? Awesome.

Gin. I win.

Seems a little unfair you won't teach us the rules.

Does anybody want anything to eat?

I'm going to the bedroom.

Why do you keep food in the bedroom?

Why do I sleep in the kitchen?

I like to mix it up.

Should we be worried about Nolan?

I mean, I had no idea he was living

in such abject poverty

with only a bird to talk to.

Are you kidding me?

When I was his age,

I was sloshing through the jungle dodging enemy fire

with nothing but a necklace of ears to talk to.

Which is why this baby is my best friend.

Ed, would you please put that thing back in your...

belt bag.

It's called a holster, Patrick.

And if you knew anything about guns,

you would know that they don't go off randomly.

They can't be fired if the safety's on

or if the clip is out.

Here. Hold it.

I will hold it this one time.

Just to say that I--

Oh, my God. I killed his bird.

Oops.

Must have been one left in the chamber.

Why does that always happen?

Are the robbers back?!

Uh, yeah, they did a drive-by.

We're okay, but I think your bird got winged.

Oh, man.

I am so sorry, Nolan.

I was holding the gun

and it just went off.

I'll never forgive myself.

Poor little guy.

[ stapler clicks ]

There.

Good as new.

Honey, you can't staple a bird back to life.

Sure, you can. Turtle's been dead for 10 years.

He was my best friend,

so I had him stuffed.

I'm scared. I wanna go home.

Thank you for taking me out to dinner, Charlie.

Are you kidding me?

After everything I put you through, it's the least I can do.

I'm just glad she took you back.

Yeah, the last few days have been great.

The first night she felt bad,

we had some of the most amazing makeup...

conversation that I have ever had.

I could barely talk the next day.

So you boys ready to order?

Yes, I am.

I think I'm gonna do the prime rib.

Maybe two.

I had a boyfriend who ate two prime ribs once.

Of course, he was getting executed the next morning.

Can I have one more minute, please?

That's the last thing he said.

- Hi, Lace. - Hey, Charlie.

Hey, Sean. What's going on?

I just wanted to buy you both a drink

and apologize to you guys for accusing you of sleeping together.

Thanks, but not necessary.

No, no.

I owe you an explanation.

I overreacted because

Sean's been living with my ex-wife.

Oh, really?

You're living with Charlie's ex-wife?

Did I not mention that while we were talking about clubs?

You son of a bitch.

But you guys aren't seeing each other, Lacey.

Why would you be so upset?

Because I've been screwing him for two weeks.

Charlie: Oh, wow.

This may be a little awkward,

but wanna join us for dinner?

Gut instinct.

The flowers, the candy,

you were showing up with way too much stuff for a guy who was innocent.

All right.

My love for Jen is so strong that I got--

[ mimics buzzer ] Not good enough.

Okay. All right. [ chuckles ]

This is really-- this is hard for me to admit, okay?

It is.

I don't believe that anybody could love me unconditionally.

- [ mimics buzzer ] - I'm a sex addict.

- [ mimics buzzer ] - My babysitter touched me.

[ mimics buzzer ]

The correct answer is... I'm leaving town.

- [ knocks on door ] - Come in.

[ music playing on TV ]

Okay.

You're watching old movies,

eating ice cream,

drinking bourbon,

and cutting up old pictures of Sean.

I know already.

Lacey called me to apologize.

So you're doing every cliché,

brokenhearted girl ritual at once?

Yes, but I'm not feeling any better yet.

I gotta find a way to speed this up.

A bourbon float.

That'll be perfect at birthday parties for alcoholic kids.

Sweetie, alcohol and ice cream are not gonna solve your problems.

Holy crap, that's good.

You need to get away and go somewhere.

[ crying ] I don't have any money.

It'll be my treat.

Okay.

I've always wanted to go to Italy.

I was thinking more the DoubleTree in Palm Springs.

They give you a cookie at check-in.

Hey, she's back.

What's with leaving the front door open?

What is a door, anyway?

My heart's open, my mind's open, my door's open.

It's all the same thing, you know what I mean?

No, no one does.

I just feel so enlightened after the weekend in the desert.

Thank you for sending me away.

So I take it you had a good time in Palm Springs.

Mm. That kinda sucked,

but I met these super-cool people.

So I jumped in their van and spent the weekend at Burning Man.

Wow. Well, at least you came back with a cool story.

Oh, I came back with more than that.

Hey, beautiful.

I made some kind, vegan grilled cheese sandwiches.

Blessing, friend.

- Hugs are free. - Yeah, so are not hugs.

This is my ex-husband Charlie.

Charlie, this is Canvas.

- Canvas. - I'm open to interpretation.

Yeah, I get it. I know what a canvas is.

Such a playful spirit he has.

Ooh, I made some Superfood goji berry lemonade.

- I'll go get it. - Okay.

What is that?

I'll tell you what that is.

That's sweet.

That's considerate. That's honest.

Yeah, but don't you think he's maybe a little bit...

Young, hot, and stupid? Yeah, and I'm okay with that.

In fact, I'm looking forward to it two, maybe three times a day.

Well, as a person who's been guilty of

young, hot, and stupid... have fun.