Original subtitles

So the Vietnamese carjacker that used to do my nails

just got out and now I don't have anyone to do my pedicure.

I'm so sorry.

I hope the guy who does your waxing is in here for life.

Hey, Wayne, anything you want to talk about?

Nope, I'm good.

You've been staring at the wall for the last 40 minutes.

You want to turn your chair around and join the group?

No, thank you. If I look anybody in the face,

I'll just want to bite their eyes out.

Oh, come on, Wayne, I'd like to think that you and I have

developed a bond of mutual trust.

The problem is, they want to add another 18 months to my sentence.

So instead of being here until 2144,

I guess you'll be stuck here until September 2145.

[ all laugh ]

It's not funny.

I'm gonna miss another beach season, Charlie.

So why did they change your release date?

Well, they reclassified one of my murders as a hate crime

'cause the victim was half Cherokee.

I'd never kill a man 'cause of the color of his skin.

That's true Wayne. According to your file...

that is about the only reason

you haven't killed.

We're all the same on the inside.

At least from what I've seen.

[ beeps ]

Excuse me, miss, do you have any piercings down there?

Hey, hey, Bruce, how about phrasing that a little less personal,

like, "Excuse me, miss, do you have a chandelier in your foyer?"

That's very sweet, but these are just my earrings.

Okay, just right through that door.

Thank you.

I mean, he kinda jumped to conclusions, didn't he?

I know, but...

he was right.

These are decoys.

You have my complete attention.

- Charlie. - Wynona.

Look, I wish I could talk, but I'm here visiting my brother Scooter.

Ah, that's too bad.

I was gonna see if you wanted to grab a cup of coffee.

You know, sure.

Scooter's not going anywhere.

He tried that once, but they caught him.

I need to warn you, though, the coffee shop's not nearly as exciting as this place.

There's no one there patting you down

or checking for piercings.

Unless I really knock this coffee thing outta the park.

You know, Wynona,

we've been sleeping together for a couple of weeks now.

I think it's about time we went and got that coffee.

[ theme music playing ]

Thanks for coming out with me, Patrick.

I've been feeling kinda lonely lately.

I'm between relationships myself,

but I tend to eat away my depression.

That's why I've never been "six-pack abs gay."

I'm more "Mini Cooper sweater vest gay."

Hey, Nolan, can I get you guys a couple beers?

Thanks, Daley.

By the way, did you ask?

Yeah, but my boss, he's not gonna put pizza rolls on the menu.

But if you want pizza rolls,

you can always come to my place tomorrow night.

I have a microwave and a Jacuzzi.

I can't make it.

But I'd definitely use the microwave to make the pizza rolls.

The Jacuzzi will just make them all soggy.

Sure, I'll get you guys those beers.

Are you nuts?

You just said you're lonely,

and she was blatantly hitting on you.

Actually, I have plans with Lacey tomorrow night.

She's gonna be getting undressed by her window,

and I'm gonna be in my car watching.

That's not "plans with Lacey," that's a misdemeanor.

It's not like she doesn't know I'm out there.

It's an unspoken game we've been playing for months.

You're delusional.

Come and see for yourself.

I will, but only to prove to you

that you're living in a fantasy world.

And you just passed up a real opportunity

with a great girl like Daley

for some bizarre stoner version of "Rear Window."

Ernesto, you seem upset.

Anything you want to talk about?

I told Wayne to quit looking at me.

He said he's gonna eat my eyes out.

[ sighs ] He's not gonna eat your eyes out.

Wayne, tell Ernesto you're not gonna eat his eyes out.

I'm gonna eat his eyes out.

Oh, Wayne, we know that's an empty threat.

Last time you attacked a guy, you only plucked out one eye,

and you couldn't even finish that.

Why are you so mad at Ernesto?

My baby sister came to see me the other day

and this unworthy son of a bitch started hitting on her.

I see, and how did that make you feel?

I was angry, but she was all,

"It's okay, Scooter.

Don't hurt him, Scooter.

Let him live, Scooter."

Scooter?

It's what she calls me.

When I was little, I beat up a kid and took his nickname.

And just for the sake of conversation,

did you-- does your sister have a name?

- Wynona. - [ coughs ]

And if I find out any of you even looked at her,

I'll stab you in the heart with a fork.

Well, the important thing is

that Wayne has a sister that he cares very much about.

And no one here has even seen her or talked to her.

Except Ernesto.

- Hey there. - Hey, buddy. What's going on?

Well, I finally got the window fixed on my car.

They named a sandwich after me

at the little cafeteria downstairs from my office.

Oh, and I'm dating a serial killer's sister.

What? Oh, my G-- how the hell did that happen?

I go in there and I order the same thing every day, turkey and avocado--

No, no, no, I mean the serial killer thing.

I know, I know, I know. I'm still trying to figure out what to do.

I met her at the prison, had no idea who she was,

and now I'm convinced her brother's gonna kill me.

How's he gonna kill you? He's locked up.

Of course. You're right.

Now she's gonna kill you.

Your girlfriend was spawned from the same horrific

genetic pool that her brother was.

I know, I know, there's all this research about

if one sibling has sociopathic tendencies,

odds are the other one will too.

Break up with this girl, man. Break up with her now.

I'm a black man yelling at the movie screen of your life.

Don't go in the basement!

And I'm the white guy sitting in front of you

who wants to say, "Be quiet," but I'm afraid.

Patrick: Don't you even feel the least bit creepy sitting here

waiting to peek at someone through their window?

Nolan: It's not creepy, it's like we're on a date.

Patrick: This is all in your head, Nolan.

Nolan: No, it's not. Look through your binoculars.

Five, four, three, two--

see? Told you.

Patrick: So what? So she opened up her blinds.

Nolan: Keep watching.

Patrick: So what? So she opened up her robe.

Nolan: Keep watching.

Patrick: Okay, so she's got a feather duster.

I'll admit that's odd.

Nolan: Keep watching.

[ Nolan laughs ]

Patrick: I can't believe she's doing this on purpose.

I am calling her.

[ phone ringing ]

Hey, Patrick, I'm in the middle of a date right now.

Can I call you back?

Patrick: A date? Anyone I know?

Just some hot guy. Probably a basketball player or something.

Patrick: Really? Where did he take you?

Nowhere, just a swanky new club.

Patrick: That's funny, I don't hear anything in the background.

Oh, well, yeah, that's because it's this hot new place

called... Silence.

No one's allowed to talk. Everybody's looking at me, I gotta go.

Nolan: Well?

Patrick: Okay, you're right.

But what does it tell you? That she's embarrassed,

ashamed, and doesn't want to admit it's even happening.

Nolan: That she's in a relationship with me!

Isn't this place great?

Yeah, I mean, it's the middle of nowhere. How did you find it?

Oh, this guy I used to date when I first moved to LA brought me here.

I love this spot, but he turned out to be a real ass clown.

Something you should know about me.

Ever since I was a kid, I've been terrified of ass clowns.

Yeah, I try to avoid the ass circus altogether.

Oh, damn it, I hit the trunk latch.

You know what? Let's just leave it.

Nah, somebody might think we need help.

And we know what we're doing, don't we?

Is everything okay?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Are you sure?

You really shouldn't keep a bottle of bleach in the trunk.

It could spill. But that's probably why you have

the shower curtain in there-- to protect everything.

Like the roll of duct tape that's there for apparently no reason at all.

Also, why do you have an axe?

Yeah, I really wish you wouldn't have seen that.

Me too-- I mean, why?

Because I'm a slob. [ nervous laughter ]

Yeah, all that stuff is in there from fixing up my bathroom,

and the axe is from last Christmas when I cut down my own tree

and just left it there like a lazy bones.

And where does one cut down their own tree in Los Angeles?

There's fir trees all around.

I mean, look, over there, there's one right behind you.

Ah, that's okay, I believe you.

What's with the private session, Charlie?

Well, Wayne, you are making so much progress

that I thought we'd try a new exercise.

I'm gonna present some hypothetical anger triggers

and you're gonna tell me how you might respond.

It's tough to say, but I guess I'd

take a ballpoint pen and try to punch a hole in your windpipe.

We haven't started yet.

Oh.

Okay, okay. First hypothetical--

I noticed that you had a visceral reaction

to the idea of Ernesto dating your sister.

Is this something you feel with any guy that tries

to date your sister?

Is this about you and my sister?

- What? - Yeah, we talk.

What did she tell you?

Everything.

Oh.

Welcome to the family, Charlie.

I look forward to being Photoshopped in all your family pictures.

Look at us, we're practically kinfolk.

Wayne, I'm wondering, do you and your sister share any...

unusual personality traits that might be viewed as

outside the social norm?

Well, we both have perfect pitch.

Hmm.

D-sharp.

Sometimes siblings share certain traits like, you know...

perfect pitch...

killing people.

I get what you're saying, Charlie.

Don't worry, she was adopted.

Wow, I gotta be honest, I'm really relieved.

I started to think that maybe she was, you know...

- Gonna kill you? - Yeah, with an axe.

I found one in the trunk of her car.

Oh, no, she's back to that?

Back to...?

Cutting down her own Christmas trees.

That's an industry, Charlie.

She should be buying that from a reputable ex-con

in a dirt lot behind a tire store.

So she was using it for a Christmas tree.

Hmm.

D-sharp again.

I'll be up here, hmm, you meet me down there, hmm.

[ both humming ]

Anyway, I've been ashamed of what happened

my whole life.

Ed, this is a safe place.

I promise, no matter what you say, nobody here will judge you,

because judgment makes us small, Patrick and Lacey.

Okay.

I was born different.

When I was 10 years old,

I had to have

one of my nuts removed.

When the kids at school found out about it,

they threw acorns at me and yelled,

"Here! We found your nut."

[ laughs ]

I'm so sorry. I thought you were done.

Ed, I apologize. It must be difficult only having one testicle.

Oh, no, no, I have two.

Oh. Oh!

[ laughs ]

I'm gonna stop talking now.

Okay, we'll talk about the damage that did to you next time.

See everybody next Thursday.

Oh, hey, Nolan, I'm gonna go to the Merry Peasant tomorrow night.

Do you want to join me? I bet that waitress who likes you will be there.

Cool, I'll meet you there at 8:00.

Does anyone know when this heat wave is gonna end?

I heard it's gonna be even hotter tomorrow night.

I think I'm gonna have to start sleeping in a wet T-shirt.

Sorry, I can't make it tomorrow.

Family emergency. My aunt is...

fine. It was totally unexpected.

You are despicable.

What?

I was with Nolan last night.

You were? What'd you see?

Everything. I am trying to get him a social life,

and you're keeping him from having a real relationship.

If you cared about him at all,

you will stop jerking him around... or start.

Oh, come on, it's no big deal.

Like you've never danced in a window for a guy.

This is not about me.

How about I get us a couple of beers?

That sounds great.

So, wait a minute, wait a minute--

where did you learn all that?

After high school, all the girls in the graduating class went to France,

and I stayed home and banged their boyfriends.

Cool.

Can I borrow your robe?

Gonna take a shower. I left all my clothes downstairs.

Wynona: Oh, yeah, no problem.

Huh.

[ shouts ]

Uh, what happened?

Oh, nothing. It's just a noise I make when I'm really happy.

[ mock shouts ]

You looked in the closet, didn't you?

Animal skulls? Who said anything about animal skulls?

Charlie, they're just roadkill heads.

J-j-just roadkill heads?

Yeah. It's a hobby of mine.

Ah.

Yeah, if I see little animals on the side of the road,

I skin them and boil them and display their heads.

Oh, good, good, I was afraid it might be something weird.

Wow, you're really freaked out, aren't you?

Oh, it's because my brother's a serial killer.

That shouldn't matter because he's not even your real brother.

You were adopted, right?

Kinda. I was adopted away from the family.

I'm sorry, what?

Oh, yeah, apparently, I was a handful.

Mom and Dad were always worried about Wayne's safety.

So they sent me away. [ chuckles ]

Wayne, when you told me she was adopted,

you made me think she wasn't your real sister.

Charlie, my family crest features a Trans Am,

a broken lawn mower, and a dead guy looking for his Trans Am.

We are not the Vanderbilts.

You cannot trick me into liking her.

I'm sorry about that.

I care about her a lot, Charlie,

and I want her to have a chance at a relationship with a nice guy.

Yeah, but she's crazy. She has a necklace made of kitten teeth.

I've seen 'em. They go with everything.

You know what, I'm sorry.

I can't do this. I have to break up with her.

I'm just scared that she's gonna put my boiled head on a shelf.

You got any ideas?

I don't know. She tends to react

pretty badly when a fella breaks up with her.

Then why don't you take the heat off of me?

You tell her it was your idea.

She does look up to me as kind of a urbane man of the world.

I've been to six different county lock-ups,

numerous small-town pokeys, and a Mexican prison...

that might've just been a really dirty motel.

Nolan: I don't understand. She's 15 minutes late.

She's never been late before.

Patrick: Maybe she finally realized

that she's been holding you back.

Now come on, let's go to the bar. Daley will be there.

Nolan: What if she needs help? Maybe she's hurt.

Maybe when she went to open up the blinds,

she got distracted by her shadow,

accidently wrapped the cord around her neck,

and almost hung herself.

Patrick: That happened to you, didn't it?

Nolan: Maybe when I was a kid...

and last week.

Patrick: Nolan, you can do better.

This is a very low bar.

Let's go.

[ car engine starts ]

[ gasps ] Oh, no.

It's not just that she had all these creepy little rodent skulls,

it was that she named them after famous killers.

Two of my favorites being

Lizard Borden and James Squirrel Ray.

So what'd you do?

Did you grow a pair and break up with her?

No, no, no.

I asked Wayne to talk to her for me.

Interesting choice.

When it comes to affairs of the heart,

no one can match the delicate touch of a serial killer.

- Charlie! - Wynona!

How's it going?

Not good. Who's your friend?

Detective Mike Bowman, LAPD,

and my mom knows I'm here.

Look, Charlie, I just finished talking to my brother

and he said he's going to have us both killed if we keep seeing each other.

Oh, my God, no, that's terrible.

Well, he does have friends on the outside, so we have no choice

but to never see each other again. Take care.

No, no, no, don't be afraid of Wayne.

I mean, you're his therapist, you can change his mind.

This is really hard for me to admit, but...

I am a terrible therapist.

It's true. He's worthless.

Thank you, Michael.

I've known him for a long time, I've seen his work.

There's lab rats with more insight into human psychology.

So there's nothing you can do?

One of his patients actually died

from banging his head into a brick wall out of frustration.

Thank you, Detective, she gets it.

I'm sorry, Wynona,

I wish there was another way, but there's not.

I don't want to risk your safety, so...

you should go.

I'm sorry.

I have to walk away now.

[ whispers ] Mostly because all I have is a little blue spatula.

It doesn't matter now. Nothing matters now.

I want you to have this.

His name is Ted Bunny.

Oh, like Ted Bundy. That's cute.

Good-bye, Charlie.

Good-bye, Wynona.

Whenever I'm traveling down the highway

and I see some roadkill,

I'll think of you.

[ sobbing ]

A spatula?

[ creepy voice ] Yes...

a spatula.