Original subtitles

This study proposes to show that people

in "friends with benefits" arrangements

are as happy as those in traditional monogamous relationships.

And we'll examine the sustainability

of nontraditional relationships.

Yeah, let me think about it. Maybe we'll tuck it in on the second draft.

Why don't you just say you don't want to put it in?

I can handle it. I'm a professional.

Okay, I don't want to put it in.

Okay, then put this in.

You're a bossy little snot pants.

[ sighs ] It's a press release, Charlie.

We don't want it to get too wordy.

Well, fine. Bring it over here. I'll type it.

Oh, fine, I'll let the 10,000 monkeys

take a crack at it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

"By Kate Wales, PhD, and Charles Goodson"?

It would've been nice if you'd asked me before putting your name first.

I listed them alphabetically.

Goodson, Wales?

By first name.

Charlie, Kate.

By degree.

Masters, PhD.

No, D. Doctorate.

As in I have one and you D-don't.

There it is, the one millionth mention of doctorate.

Johnny, let's tell her what she's won.

Well, Charlie, Kate's won

a congratulatory pat on the back delivered by herself.

You are so blowing this way out of proportion.

I'm just tired of you throwing your degree in my face.

What's the big deal? You wrote a dissertation.

So did Dr. Dre, I assume.

Hey, I am very proud of my dissertation.

It is a huge accomplishment,

and as my esteemed colleague Dr. Dre would say,

"Stop drinking the haterade, player."

Heyo.

Wow, that's a change.

You're bringing food over now?

Yeah, well, I'm always eating your snacks,

so I figure the least I can do

is bring you a bag of chips.

Mm-hmm.

- Would you like some? - Oh.

You got any dip?

I'm sorry, it's not you, it's Kate.

She wants to control everything in this sex study.

Well, that kinda makes sense.

I mean, she is the one with the doctorate.

[ crunching ]

Wow, you are angry.

You know, it might be a good time to find a new shrink

now that you've stopped seeing Kate.

I don't need a shrink.

I've been in therapy for over a year

and I think I've got things under control.

I don't know, man.

When you don't see a shrink, you get all surly.

And you stop buying the good dip.

Then everyone suffers.

I don't need a therapist. I've got my tools for disengaging.

Yeah, but don't you think at some point--

End of discussion, snack whore!

Way to use your tools.

And I am not a snack whore.

I'm a hungry man that's made a few mistakes.

[ theme music playing ]

Okay, before Ed gets here, you know that monthly dinner

Charlie told us to do as a bonding exercise?

The one we bonded over deciding never to do?

Yes.

But tomorrow night, we're really doing it.

I already told Ed, and you guys do not wanna miss it.

I am finally gonna get even with him.

For all those Indian slurs

like calling me a "Taj Mawhore"?

Yeah, and calling me a lazy stoner?

I've been meaning to talk to him about that

but I never seem to get around to it.

Yeah, for all of that, but more importantly,

for all the crap he's thrown at me.

I mean, "Taj Mahomo"?

10 minutes after he said it to you.

I mean, it's just sloppy.

So, what are we gonna do, kill him?

No.

I'm gonna make him think he won the lottery.

How?

I'm buying everybody lottery tickets,

but for Ed, I'm gonna pick last week's winning numbers.

And then we're gonna all watch a recording of last week's drawing

and Ed will think we're watching it live.

Oh, my God. We should so do that to Nolan, too.

He's standing right next to you.

It doesn't matter.

Oh, hi, Ed.

What's your deal?

You're smiling like the "Homona Lisa."

[ laughs ] Oh, yay.

Hey, everybody. What's so exciting?

Oh, nothing. We're just looking forward

to our group bonding dinner tomorrow night.

Oh, you mean the one you always pretend to have,

but never do?

That's the one.

But tomorrow night, we're really gonna do it.

- Well, good for you. - And you, too.

I just saw the press release about the big sex study

you and Dr. Wales are doing.

Wait, what-- what? The press release came out?

Yeah. I get Google Alerts on everyone I know

in case someone becomes successful.

I want to be able to start hating them right away.

"The Wales-Goodson Study."

How interesting.

She put out the press release all by herself.

How come her name's first? Is she, like, the boss?

No, it's alphabetical.

- Are you okay? - I'm fine.

I am fine. I am absolutely fine.

If you'll excuse me, I have to send somebody a text.

It's not what it looks like!

Why aren't you still in session?

I'm shooting a text to Kate.

And send!

[ clatters ]

Yeah, you don't need a therapist.

The button was sticking.

Charlie Goodson, my God.

How long has it been, 12 years?

You get more handsome every time I see you.

And you're taller than me now.

Yeah, I was 35 when I took your class, Dr. Murphy.

I'm exactly the same height.

Best Developmental Psychology class I ever taught.

That was a very special group.

Oh, except, you know, that one boy

who went on to be a serial killer.

He used what I taught him

to evade the police for many, many years.

Now I feel better about hitting my phone with a pan.

Oh, Charlie.

Are you having those anger issues again?

Well, that's why I'm here.

And I respect you as an academic

and I know you have great connections throughout the university.

I thought maybe you could refer me to someone.

I'd be glad to give you a name.

But you should know that I've gone back

into clinical practice myself

and I'm accepting new patients.

Oh, wow. That's great.

We could start tomorrow.

Well, if I could be honest, I'm not sure I'm comfortable

talking to someone your age

about, you know, everything.

I was in a relationship that was very complicated

and post-Cold War.

- Try me. - Okay.

It was a noncommittal, purely sexual,

friends-with-benefits relationship

with my last therapist.

And now--

now we're conducting a sex study together.

Oh, my.

That's almost as complicated as my last patient,

who was in a polyamorous, sadomasochistic,

bisexual relationship with the other members

of his Journey tribute band.

Wow.

But he didn't stop believing.

And you shouldn't either.

Well, the music reference is dated,

but you seem current on your dysfunctional relationship stuff,

so, yeah, let's give it a shot.

Great.

- How's Wednesdays at 2:00? - I'll see you then.

Oh, you're not leaving without a sweater.

I'm just gonna walk right out of the car.

No, you're not leaving, mister,

until you put something on.

- Well, here. - Really, I'm fine.

Just take it.

Now, you call me when you get home

so that I know that you made it all right.

Well, that was tasty, Patrick.

Thank you, Ed.

Although I'm surprised you went with the pasta.

I figured you'd go with the rump roast.

Well, on that note...

I have a surprise before dessert.

I bought everyone lottery tickets.

I'm not even gonna look at it.

Lottery's a sucker game.

Besides that, I've already won the lottery.

I'm a white American male.

But, Ed, you always say the white American male

is the most oppressed ethnic group in...

[ with Southern accent ] "these here United States of Mexico."

All right, I'll look at it.

All right, now let's just turn on the TV.

Oh, perfect.

They're about to announce the numbers.

Man on TV: I guess now we know what not to do

when you find a chimp in your car.

[ man on TV chuckles ]

And now for tonight's lotto.

We've got a big one tonight. $42 million.

- Oh, that's a lot. - And the winning numbers are...

four...

15...

eight...

23...

16...

and here's the last number...

- Hey, Patrick? - Hmm?

Just because you bought the ticket

doesn't mean I have to split this with you, does it?

Oh, no, you don't. All the money would be yours.

Man on TV: And 42.

[ TV clicks ]

So, how'd everybody do?

- I lost. - Me, too.

What about you, Ed?

I'm a goddamn millionaire.

You can all kiss my ass,

if you can catch it. I'm buying a Jet Ski

and riding it all the way to Branson, Missouri.

Out of my way, peasants.

You're gonna call him tonight, right?

Well, of course I am.

Anybody have his number? Oh, no, well, we tried.

Kate, did you call the police?

What? Why?

Somebody snuck into your office

and released the press statement that we were gonna do together.

I'm sorry, Charlie.

The university called and said they needed it immediately.

I didn't know what to do.

Yes, it must have been terribly confusing.

Should I call Charlie? Should I not call Charlie?

I mean, that decision alone would've cost you valuable seconds.

I get it. But somebody has to take the lead on this paper,

and I know you hate hearing this--

If you say the word "doctorate" or "dissertation,"

I swear to God I will feed you through your own juicer.

Okay, I should take the lead on this paper

because I wrote a big, smart thing

and I got a big, smart certificate,

and you should understand that, you...

big, smart man, you.

You know what?

You have control issues that you need to work on with a therapist.

I'll work on my issues with mine.

A new therapist? Oh, good.

- Anyone I know? - As a matter of fact, I think you do.

- Remember Dr. Murphy? - You're kidding, right?

Charlie, that woman is not in her prime.

Her kids are not in their prime.

She was a therapist for 25 years before she started teaching.

She studied with Erikson. The woman is brilliant.

I'm not saying she's not brilliant,

but don't you think she's a little soft?

Well, there's nothing wrong with a therapist

who's warm and nurturing and doesn't scare babies.

Okay, that baby was skittish.

I know what's going on here.

- You're jealous. - Jealous of what?

My new therapist and the fact that she may turn out to be better than you.

No, what's going on here is that you want a therapist

who doesn't call you out on your crap.

What you want is a mommy.

Oh, that's ridiculous. I don't want my mommy.

I said "a mommy."

I'd better go talk to my new therapist about that.

She is just driving me crazy.

I don't know where my anger issues begin and her narcissism ends.

Oh, you poor thing.

You're still blaming your anger on other people.

That's not what this is about.

You're blocked.

You know what you need? A nice bowl of hot oatmeal.

Uh, I think we have different definitions of blocked.

I've got instant and I've got some hot water here.

Mm, apple cinnamon.

Thank you, Dr. Murphy, but I'm really not hungry.

[ sighs ] Well, are you tired?

Maybe you should take a little nap.

You've got bags under your eyes.

Sit, now.

Sit.

Now you put your head on my shoulder,

take a little "shushie."

- A "shushie"? - Yeah.

Just close your eyes and relax

for as long as you want. I have all day.

What about your other patients?

Don't worry about them, dear.

I don't have any other patients.

I'm sorry, Sam, but we are through talking about belly rings.

Mom, please, I'm begging.

I'm done talking about this.

I'm getting the belly ring.

Dad, will you please talk to her?

Why can't you just get giant fake boobs like a normal mom?

You know what? That might be nice...

with my belly ring.

Why? Why?

Whoa, a $600 speeding ticket?

What did you do, cut through a playground?

No, 30 in a 25.

Then the cop asked why I was being pulled over and I said,

"'Cause it's easier than tracking down real criminals?"

And then, for some reason,

it just went downhill after that.

You having anger problems again?

Sort of.

I overslept at my new therapist's

and I was late for an appointment with Kate,

so she made another big decision without me.

Wait, go back.

You were sleeping at your therapist's?

And you pay for this?

I'm gonna go out and buy a bunch of futons

and open up a mental health center.

It's just not gonna work out with this woman

and I don't know how to tell her.

Well, you just say what I said when I broke up with you.

"I'm sorry, but I no longer require your services."

It's not that easy. She's in her 80s.

If I quit going, there's nothing in her future

except an empty room and a shower with a chair in it.

Oh, well, you're stuck.

My gynecologist is 95.

Sometimes I think my visits are the only thing keeping him alive.

Has anybody heard from Ed yet?

He must be really upset.

I know, isn't this fun?

I wish I could've seen his face when he tried to cash in his ticket.

I bet his eyebrows were all scrunched

and he was all frowny and mad and...

you know, pretty much just his regular face.

I did it. I left my wife.

Oh, my God. You did what?

Yeah, I wanted to be smart, so after consulting LegalZoom.com,

I decided to make the break

before she could claim any of this baby.

You didn't try to cash it in yet?

No, no. I'm on my way to pick up my winnings now.

I just stopped by to say good-bye

and take a picture of all of you

before I do my island shopping.

Ed, sit down.

No, no, I don't need therapy anymore.

You know those people that say "money can't buy happiness"?

Well, those people aren't welcome on my island.

Ed, you didn't win.

The ticket is fake.

What are you talking about?

The numbers matched the one on television.

We showed you the recording from last week's lottery.

You were all in on this?

Well, Patrick thought it would be a funny joke.

I tried desperately to stop him.

I'll never forget.

When he told us what he was going to do,

he was standing right here by this door.

You thought this would be funny?

I left my wife.

I said horrible things.

I've got no place to live.

I-- I never meant to hurt you.

Okay, I meant to hurt you.

But I never meant to do anything that would make me feel bad.

I made these last night.

You'll like 'em.

I used my secret ingredient.

Don't tell me, love?

And a sprinkle of understanding.

Look, Dr. Murphy...

as much as I appreciate the cookies

and the oatmeal, the naps,

and all the other nice things you do

that make me feel radically uncomfortable,

I have to terminate our therapy.

All right, all right.

I think I need to explain what I've been doing.

Trying to make me a big, strong boy, I know.

But my mother already did that.

No, it's not about that, Charlie.

You have serious trust issues,

so I adopted a maternal persona

based on Freudian oedipal techniques

that I pioneered

to help strengthen your trust more quickly

so that we could move forward.

Oh, my God. That makes perfect sense.

I can't wait to tell Kate about how wrong she was

about you and I not being a good fit.

Kate who?

Kate Wales. You probably don't remember her.

She was in one of your classes a long time ago.

Oh, of course, I remember Kate Wales.

I advised her on her doctoral dissertation.

And I think I know why she wouldn't want you to see me.

What do you mean?

I'm not comfortable saying this out loud,

but frankly, she may have...

P-L-A-G-I-A-R-I-Z-E-D.

I got that she "ized" something,

I just-- I forgot the beginning.

She plagiarized parts of her doctoral dissertation.

Oh, my God. So you're saying she cheated?

That's awful.

How about you hook me up with a glass of milk

for these cookies and tell me everything?

Sorry I'm late. Did you see my note?

Yes, I did.

"Had to run an errand. Be back soon."

[ chuckles ]

You expect me to believe you came up with this by yourself?

Did you fall down in the bathroom?

I don't know.

Let's do some cognitive tests.

Ask me if I remember what PhD stands for.

Oh, wait. I know.

"Plagiarized her dissertation."

I guess I am okay.

Actually, I'm much, much better.

All right, I know what Murphy said,

and I knew she would blow this out of proportion,

- so let me explain. - So you did plagiarize.

That's why you didn't want me to see her.

That's not the only reason. I mean, she's still ancient.

If you took away her support hose,

her legs would crumble like blue cheese.

I can't believe this.

No, it is not what you think.

I was going through a really bad time.

My mom went off her meds

and had to be hospitalized again.

It was two lousy paragraphs about ethics.

I know, the irony.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Wow, wow. You are really perceptive

for someone who may or may not be a psychologist.

I am a psychologist.

It was only the first draft, and as soon as I had a chance,

I rewrote the whole thing and the doctoral panel

said it was the best dissertation they had read.

Okay, okay, I understand.

I just need you to agree that we're partners on this study.

- Equal partners. - Fine.

By the way, did I tell you what PhD stands for?

Yes, Charlie.

Because I was really excited when I came up with it.

I had to pull the car over.

[ chuckles ]

Listen, uh, I don't usually

do this kind of thing.

And it's fine that you stayed the night,

but I have a really busy day today, so...

you should probably go home now.

'Fraid not.

Till my wife takes me back,

I'm living here on your dime.

Listen...

tonight I'm gonna need you to turn me over

about halfway through the night.

Otherwise I might drown in my own saliva.

[ sighs ]

How are we feeling today?

Doing okay.

But I'm a little confused.

I feel like you kind of misled me about the whole Kate Wales thing.

It was only two paragraphs and she rewrote them.

You know, Charlie, I don't think this is about plagiarism.

I think this is about trust between you and me.

And I think we should reestablish our connection

in a much deeper way.

You know, there are some things

only a mother can provide.

Hey, you know what? I think I'm cured.