All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E24.Charlie.and.His.New.Therapist.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

This study proposes
to show that people

in "friends with
benefits" arrangements

are as happy as those
in traditional monogamous
relationships.

And we'll examine
the sustainability

of nontraditional
relationships.

Yeah, let me think about it.
Maybe we'll tuck it in
on the second draft.

Why don't you just say
you don't want to put it in?

I can handle it.
I'm a professional.

Okay, I don't
want to put it in.

Okay, then put this in.

You're a bossy
little snot pants.

[ sighs ]
It's a press release,
Charlie.

We don't want it
to get too wordy.

Well, fine.
Bring it over here.
I'll type it.

Oh, fine, I'll let
the 10,000 monkeys

take a crack at it.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

"By Kate Wales, PhD,
and Charles Goodson"?

It would've been nice
if you'd asked me before
putting your name first.

I listed them
alphabetically.

Goodson, Wales?

By first name.

Charlie, Kate.

By degree.

Masters, PhD.

No, D.
Doctorate.

As in I have one
and you D-don't.

There it is, the one millionth
mention of doctorate.

Johnny, let's tell her
what she's won.

Well, Charlie,
Kate's won

a congratulatory pat on
the back delivered by herself.

You are so blowing this
way out of proportion.

I'm just tired of you
throwing your degree
in my face.

What's the big deal?
You wrote a dissertation.

So did Dr. Dre,
I assume.

Hey, I am very proud
of my dissertation.

It is a huge
accomplishment,

and as my esteemed colleague
Dr. Dre would say,

"Stop drinking
the haterade, player."

Heyo.

Wow, that's a change.

You're bringing
food over now?

Yeah, well, I'm always
eating your snacks,

so I figure
the least I can do

is bring you
a bag of chips.

Mm-hmm.

- Would you
like some?
- Oh.

You got any dip?

I'm sorry,
it's not you,
it's Kate.

She wants to
control everything
in this sex study.

Well, that kinda
makes sense.

I mean, she is the one
with the doctorate.

[ crunching ]

Wow, you are angry.

You know, it might be
a good time to find
a new shrink

now that you've
stopped seeing Kate.

I don't need a shrink.

I've been in therapy
for over a year

and I think I've got
things under control.

I don't know, man.

When you don't see a shrink,
you get all surly.

And you stop buying
the good dip.

Then everyone suffers.

I don't need a therapist.
I've got my tools
for disengaging.

Yeah, but don't you think
at some point--

End of discussion,
snack whore!

Way to use your tools.

And I am not
a snack whore.

I'm a hungry man
that's made a few mistakes.

[ theme music playing ]

Okay, before Ed gets here,
you know that monthly dinner

Charlie told us to do
as a bonding exercise?

The one we bonded over
deciding never to do?

Yes.

But tomorrow night,
we're really doing it.

I already told Ed,
and you guys do not
wanna miss it.

I am finally gonna
get even with him.

For all those
Indian slurs

like calling me
a "Taj Mawhore"?

Yeah, and calling me
a lazy stoner?

I've been meaning
to talk to him about that

but I never seem
to get around to it.

Yeah, for all of that,
but more importantly,

for all the crap
he's thrown at me.

I mean, "Taj Mahomo"?

10 minutes after
he said it to you.

I mean,
it's just sloppy.

So, what are we
gonna do, kill him?

No.

I'm gonna make him think
he won the lottery.

How?

I'm buying everybody
lottery tickets,

but for Ed, I'm gonna pick
last week's winning numbers.

And then we're gonna
all watch a recording
of last week's drawing

and Ed will think
we're watching it live.

Oh, my God.
We should so do that
to Nolan, too.

He's standing
right next to you.

It doesn't matter.

Oh, hi, Ed.

What's your deal?

You're smiling
like the "Homona Lisa."

[ laughs ]
Oh, yay.

Hey, everybody.
What's so exciting?

Oh, nothing.
We're just looking forward

to our group bonding
dinner tomorrow night.

Oh, you mean the one
you always pretend to have,

but never do?

That's the one.

But tomorrow night,
we're really gonna do it.

- Well, good for you.
- And you, too.

I just saw the press release
about the big sex study

you and Dr. Wales
are doing.

Wait, what-- what?
The press release came out?

Yeah.
I get Google Alerts
on everyone I know

in case someone
becomes successful.

I want to be able
to start hating them
right away.

"The Wales-Goodson Study."

How interesting.

She put out the press release
all by herself.

How come her name's first?
Is she, like, the boss?

No, it's alphabetical.

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.

I am fine.
I am absolutely fine.

If you'll excuse me,
I have to send somebody
a text.

It's not
what it looks like!

Why aren't you
still in session?

I'm shooting
a text to Kate.

And send!

[ clatters ]

Yeah, you don't need
a therapist.

The button
was sticking.

Charlie Goodson,
my God.

How long has it been,
12 years?

You get more handsome
every time I see you.

And you're taller
than me now.

Yeah, I was 35 when I took
your class, Dr. Murphy.

I'm exactly
the same height.

Best Developmental
Psychology class
I ever taught.

That was a very
special group.

Oh, except, you know,
that one boy

who went on to be
a serial killer.

He used
what I taught him

to evade the police
for many, many years.

Now I feel better about
hitting my phone with a pan.

Oh, Charlie.

Are you having those
anger issues again?

Well, that's
why I'm here.

And I respect you
as an academic

and I know you
have great connections
throughout the university.

I thought maybe you
could refer me to someone.

I'd be glad
to give you a name.

But you should know
that I've gone back

into clinical
practice myself

and I'm accepting
new patients.

Oh, wow.
That's great.

We could start
tomorrow.

Well, if I could be honest,
I'm not sure I'm comfortable

talking to
someone your age

about, you know,
everything.

I was in a relationship
that was very complicated

and post-Cold War.

- Try me.
- Okay.

It was a noncommittal,
purely sexual,

friends-with-benefits
relationship

with my last therapist.

And now--

now we're conducting
a sex study together.

Oh, my.

That's almost as complicated
as my last patient,

who was in a polyamorous,
sadomasochistic,

bisexual relationship
with the other members

of his Journey
tribute band.

Wow.

But he didn't
stop believing.

And you
shouldn't either.

Well, the music
reference is dated,

but you seem current
on your dysfunctional
relationship stuff,

so, yeah, let's
give it a shot.

Great.

- How's Wednesdays at 2:00?
- I'll see you then.

Oh, you're not leaving
without a sweater.

I'm just gonna walk
right out of the car.

No, you're
not leaving, mister,

until you
put something on.

- Well, here.
- Really, I'm fine.

Just take it.

Now, you call me
when you get home

so that I know that
you made it all right.

Well, that was
tasty, Patrick.

Thank you, Ed.

Although I'm surprised
you went with the pasta.

I figured you'd go
with the rump roast.

Well, on that note...

I have a surprise
before dessert.

I bought everyone
lottery tickets.

I'm not even
gonna look at it.

Lottery's a sucker game.

Besides that, I've already
won the lottery.

I'm a white
American male.

But, Ed, you always say
the white American male

is the most oppressed
ethnic group in...

[ with Southern accent ]
"these here United States
of Mexico."

All right,
I'll look at it.

All right, now let's
just turn on the TV.

Oh, perfect.

They're about
to announce the numbers.

Man on TV:
I guess now we know
what not to do

when you find
a chimp in your car.

[ man on TV chuckles ]

And now
for tonight's lotto.

We've got a big one tonight.
$42 million.

- Oh, that's a lot.
- And the winning
numbers are...

four...

15...

eight...

23...

16...

and here's
the last number...

- Hey, Patrick?
- Hmm?

Just because
you bought the ticket

doesn't mean I have to split
this with you, does it?

Oh, no, you don't.
All the money would be yours.

Man on TV:
And 42.

[ TV clicks ]

So, how'd
everybody do?

- I lost.
- Me, too.

What about you, Ed?

I'm a goddamn
millionaire.

You can all
kiss my ass,

if you can catch it.
I'm buying a Jet Ski

and riding it all the way
to Branson, Missouri.

Out of my way,
peasants.

You're gonna call
him tonight, right?

Well, of course I am.

Anybody have his number?
Oh, no, well, we tried.

Kate, did you call
the police?

What? Why?

Somebody snuck
into your office

and released
the press statement that
we were gonna do together.

I'm sorry, Charlie.

The university called
and said they needed it
immediately.

I didn't know what to do.

Yes, it must have been
terribly confusing.

Should I call Charlie?
Should I not call Charlie?

I mean, that decision
alone would've cost you
valuable seconds.

I get it.
But somebody has to take
the lead on this paper,

and I know you hate
hearing this--

If you say
the word "doctorate"
or "dissertation,"

I swear to God
I will feed you
through your own juicer.

Okay, I should take
the lead on this paper

because I wrote
a big, smart thing

and I got a big,
smart certificate,

and you should
understand that, you...

big, smart man, you.

You know what?

You have control issues
that you need to work on
with a therapist.

I'll work on my issues
with mine.

A new therapist?
Oh, good.

- Anyone I know?
- As a matter of fact,
I think you do.

- Remember Dr. Murphy?
- You're kidding, right?

Charlie, that woman
is not in her prime.

Her kids are not
in their prime.

She was a therapist
for 25 years before
she started teaching.

She studied with Erikson.
The woman is brilliant.

I'm not saying
she's not brilliant,

but don't you think
she's a little soft?

Well, there's nothing wrong
with a therapist

who's warm and nurturing
and doesn't scare babies.

Okay, that baby
was skittish.

I know what's
going on here.

- You're jealous.
- Jealous of what?

My new therapist
and the fact that she may
turn out to be better than you.

No, what's going on here
is that you want a therapist

who doesn't call you out
on your crap.

What you want
is a mommy.

Oh, that's ridiculous.
I don't want my mommy.

I said "a mommy."

I'd better go talk
to my new therapist about that.

She is just
driving me crazy.

I don't know where
my anger issues begin
and her narcissism ends.

Oh, you poor thing.

You're still blaming
your anger on other people.

That's not
what this is about.

You're blocked.

You know what you need?
A nice bowl of hot oatmeal.

Uh, I think we have different
definitions of blocked.

I've got instant
and I've got some
hot water here.

Mm, apple cinnamon.

Thank you, Dr. Murphy,
but I'm really not hungry.

[ sighs ]
Well, are you tired?

Maybe you should
take a little nap.

You've got bags
under your eyes.

Sit, now.

Sit.

Now you put your head
on my shoulder,

take a little
"shushie."

- A "shushie"?
- Yeah.

Just close your eyes
and relax

for as long as you want.
I have all day.

What about
your other patients?

Don't worry
about them, dear.

I don't have
any other patients.

I'm sorry, Sam, but we
are through talking
about belly rings.

Mom, please,
I'm begging.

I'm done talking
about this.

I'm getting
the belly ring.

Dad, will you
please talk to her?

Why can't you
just get giant fake boobs
like a normal mom?

You know what?
That might be nice...

with my belly ring.

Why? Why?

Whoa, a $600
speeding ticket?

What did you do,
cut through a playground?

No, 30 in a 25.

Then the cop asked
why I was being pulled over
and I said,

"'Cause it's easier than
tracking down real criminals?"

And then, for some reason,

it just went downhill
after that.

You having
anger problems again?

Sort of.

I overslept
at my new therapist's

and I was late
for an appointment with Kate,

so she made another
big decision without me.

Wait, go back.

You were sleeping
at your therapist's?

And you pay for this?

I'm gonna go out
and buy a bunch of futons

and open up
a mental health center.

It's just not gonna
work out with this woman

and I don't know
how to tell her.

Well, you just say what I said
when I broke up with you.

"I'm sorry, but I no longer
require your services."

It's not that easy.
She's in her 80s.

If I quit going,
there's nothing in her future

except an empty room
and a shower with
a chair in it.

Oh, well, you're stuck.

My gynecologist is 95.

Sometimes I think
my visits are the only thing
keeping him alive.

Has anybody heard
from Ed yet?

He must be really upset.

I know, isn't this fun?

I wish I could've
seen his face when he tried
to cash in his ticket.

I bet his eyebrows
were all scrunched

and he was all frowny
and mad and...

you know, pretty much
just his regular face.

I did it.
I left my wife.

Oh, my God.
You did what?

Yeah, I wanted to be smart,
so after consulting
LegalZoom.com,

I decided
to make the break

before she could claim
any of this baby.

You didn't try
to cash it in yet?

No, no.
I'm on my way to pick up
my winnings now.

I just stopped by
to say good-bye

and take a picture
of all of you

before I do
my island shopping.

Ed, sit down.

No, no, I don't need
therapy anymore.

You know those people that say
"money can't buy happiness"?

Well, those people
aren't welcome on my island.

Ed, you didn't win.

The ticket is fake.

What are you
talking about?

The numbers matched
the one on television.

We showed you the recording
from last week's lottery.

You were all
in on this?

Well, Patrick thought
it would be a funny joke.

I tried desperately
to stop him.

I'll never forget.

When he told us
what he was going to do,

he was standing
right here by this door.

You thought
this would be funny?

I left my wife.

I said horrible things.

I've got no place
to live.

I-- I never meant
to hurt you.

Okay, I meant to hurt you.

But I never meant
to do anything that would
make me feel bad.

I made these last night.

You'll like 'em.

I used my secret
ingredient.

Don't tell me, love?

And a sprinkle
of understanding.

Look, Dr. Murphy...

as much as I appreciate
the cookies

and the oatmeal,
the naps,

and all the other
nice things you do

that make me feel
radically uncomfortable,

I have to terminate
our therapy.

All right, all right.

I think I need to explain
what I've been doing.

Trying to make me a big,
strong boy, I know.

But my mother
already did that.

No, it's not
about that, Charlie.

You have serious
trust issues,

so I adopted
a maternal persona

based on Freudian
oedipal techniques

that I pioneered

to help strengthen
your trust more quickly

so that we could
move forward.

Oh, my God.
That makes perfect sense.

I can't wait to tell Kate
about how wrong she was

about you and I
not being a good fit.

Kate who?

Kate Wales. You probably
don't remember her.

She was in one
of your classes
a long time ago.

Oh, of course,
I remember Kate Wales.

I advised her on her
doctoral dissertation.

And I think I know
why she wouldn't want
you to see me.

What do you mean?

I'm not comfortable
saying this out loud,

but frankly,
she may have...

P-L-A-G-I-A-R-I-Z-E-D.

I got that she
"ized" something,

I just--
I forgot the beginning.

She plagiarized parts of
her doctoral dissertation.

Oh, my God.
So you're saying
she cheated?

That's awful.

How about you hook me up
with a glass of milk

for these cookies
and tell me everything?

Sorry I'm late.
Did you see my note?

Yes, I did.

"Had to run an errand.
Be back soon."

[ chuckles ]

You expect me to believe
you came up with this
by yourself?

Did you fall down
in the bathroom?

I don't know.

Let's do some
cognitive tests.

Ask me if I remember
what PhD stands for.

Oh, wait.
I know.

"Plagiarized
her dissertation."

I guess I am okay.

Actually, I'm much,
much better.

All right,
I know what Murphy said,

and I knew she would
blow this out of proportion,

- so let me explain.
- So you did plagiarize.

That's why you didn't
want me to see her.

That's not the only reason.
I mean, she's still ancient.

If you took away
her support hose,

her legs would crumble
like blue cheese.

I can't believe this.

No, it is not
what you think.

I was going through
a really bad time.

My mom went off her meds

and had to be
hospitalized again.

It was two lousy
paragraphs about ethics.

I know, the irony.

Blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.

Wow, wow.
You are really perceptive

for someone who
may or may not be
a psychologist.

I am a psychologist.

It was only the first draft,
and as soon as I had a chance,

I rewrote the whole thing
and the doctoral panel

said it was the best
dissertation they had read.

Okay, okay,
I understand.

I just need you to agree
that we're partners
on this study.

- Equal partners.
- Fine.

By the way, did I tell you
what PhD stands for?

Yes, Charlie.

Because I was really excited
when I came up with it.

I had to pull
the car over.

[ chuckles ]

Listen, uh, I don't usually

do this kind of thing.

And it's fine that you
stayed the night,

but I have a really
busy day today, so...

you should probably
go home now.

'Fraid not.

Till my wife
takes me back,

I'm living here
on your dime.

Listen...

tonight I'm gonna need
you to turn me over

about halfway
through the night.

Otherwise I might drown
in my own saliva.

[ sighs ]

How are we
feeling today?

Doing okay.

But I'm a little confused.

I feel like you kind of
misled me about the whole
Kate Wales thing.

It was only two paragraphs
and she rewrote them.

You know, Charlie,
I don't think this
is about plagiarism.

I think this is about trust
between you and me.

And I think we should
reestablish our connection

in a much
deeper way.

You know, there are
some things

only a mother
can provide.

Hey, you know what?
I think I'm cured.