All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E23.Charlie.and.The.Airport.Sext.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

I think the frequency
of our sexual encounters

leveled off around

the sixth year
of marriage.

Otherwise,
it was a pretty good
year for me.

- I was...
- Who cares?!

I don't care!
Who cares?!

Charlie, turn this off
before we die.

Or would it
be more exciting

if we were listening...

to the sex life
of Hitler?

Or, even scarier...

pirate Hitler.

Ruler of the Third Reich
from the seven seas.

But still
fun at parties.

And you thought we wouldn't
be able to work together.

Maybe we should change
the whole research project
to computer doodling.

Could talk about it
over dinner.

That's a dangerous
road, Charlie.

The road's
not that dangerous,

I used to drive that road
all the time.

No, no, no, no, no.

That's why I got an attack dog.
For people like you.

Sic him, Rex.
Sic him.

In three years,
when he's trained to do
that sort of thing,

you'll be sorry.

So you decided to keep him?

No, I'm taking him
back to the breeder.

It's too much work
and they're so emotional.

Everything is like
the greatest thing
they've ever seen.

A dirty tennis ball
is like a double rainbow.

Don't worry about
robot girl, Rex.

One day a human
will adopt you.

If you like him so much,

why don't you
take him for a walk?

I'd love to,
but I gotta get home
and pack.

In the morning,
I'm taking the group
to Tahoe to celebrate.

For the first time,
they've made it 30 days
without an anger incident.

Oh, so you're
rewarding them
for the healthy thing

they're supposed to be
doing in the first place.

That's like rewarding Rex
for laying there.

God, he's so much work.

It's not about the trip,
it's about the milestone.

They deserve to be rewarded
for making it 30 days.

Although, as of tomorrow,
it'll only be 29.

Mm. Pardon robot girl
for being dubious,

but on the last day
of your no-anger marathon,

you're going to take
your anger group
to an airport.

In my clinical opinion,
you're stupid.

Ah, you may think that,

but wait till you hear
my reasoning.

When I bought
the tickets online,

I put in the wrong day.

[ theme music playing ]

Okay, so leave this
light here on all night,
stack the mail right here,

and, if you can, try to figure
out who's been stealing my
"Sports Illustrateds."

I didn't get
the last four issues.

Two issues.
I'll keep an eye out.

Dad, I'm 16 years old,

why don't you
just let me stay home
alone while you're gone?

Good idea.

Michael, you don't
have to check in.

Remember, sweetheart,
if someone breaks in,

just hide under a bed,
in a closet.

It won't work,
but it'll make you feel
like you did something.

If you think
that's going to work...

you're right,
let Michael die.

Don't worry
about the house,
I got it.

And do yourself a favor,
while you're in Tahoe,

just forget about Kate.
Have fun.

I can't forget
about Kate.

Besides, for the first time
in a long time,

we're enjoying
each other's company.

I actually think
she's gonna miss me.

Well, it happens, Charlie.

When I don't see you
for a couple of days,
things are a little off.

The sun
isn't quite as bright.

The flowers
don't smell as sweet.

I still want my
"Sports Illustrateds" back.

Fine.
Cheap son of a bitch.

Lacey, you do know
it's 45 degrees in Tahoe?

I know, but this will get
me into the VIP security
line at the airport.

I am not
looking forward
to this.

I hate flying.
It is so exhausting.

The only thing
I can't stand is those

tambourine-banging,
bald-headed Hare Krishnas

all over the airport
throwing their religion
in my face.

Relax, Ed, you don't
have to worry about the
Hare Krishnas anymore.

They've been replaced
by terrorists.

And by terrorists
he means the people
working at security.

But once you get
on the airplane,
I love it.

I mean,
visiting the cockpit,

talking to the captain,

relaxing in
a spacious seat,

enjoying a smoke
and free whiskey
brought to me

by a hot,
young stewardess.

Ed, when was
the last time you flew?

Uh, 1975.

Well, the good news
is those same stewardesses
are still working.

Ed:
That flight from L.A.
was terrible.

Tiny seats,
no meals,

and the drinks
were being served
by the pilots.

Those weren't
the pilots, Ed,

they were male
flight attendants.

What?!

Well, I can understand
a woman wanting a man's job,

but what were
those fellas thinking?

It was like being in
a big flying tube of sissy.

At least you didn't have
a screaming baby sitting
behind you the whole time.

I said
I was sorry.

Woman on P.A.:
Attention, please,

due to mechanical issues,
flight 451 to Lake Tahoe

has been delayed
indefinitely.

We will update you shortly.

Indefinitely?

That bitch
is in every airport

and she never has
anything good to say.

Come on, guys,

you've done
great up until now.
This is a big test for us.

If you can control your anger
for another five hours,

you'll make
the 30-day mark.

Hello, friend.

We are snowboarders
for the Lord.

We have to save
13 souls on this trip

and you are going
to be number one.

Oh, crap,
it's the Hare Christians.

So, friend, let me ask
you a question.

If you died
right now, do you think
you'd go to heaven?

Do you?

Because you can keep talking
and we'll find out for sure.

Uh, Patrick, Nolan.

Why don't you take
Ed to the as-far-away-
as-you-can-get store?

I don't know that store.
Where is it?

It's as far away
as you can get.

That seems inconvenient.

Looks like this
is your lucky day.

Now we're free
to save your soul.

Yeah, too late,
my ex-wife got that
in the divorce.

Shoot, no power.

Excuse me, sir.

Could you unplug
one of your devices
so I could charge my phone?

How about, let's say,
the hair straightener.

I mean, mission
accomplished, right?

- How about this one?
- [ speaking foreign language ]

Yeah, I'd use
my translator app,
but I'm out of power.

Lacey, would you
come over here, please?

Don't start with me.

Anything you eat
at the airport
doesn't count.

I'm having a hard time
talking to these people,
would you mind?

Just because I'm Indian,
you think I can speak
their language?

That's so racist.

Would you kindly ask them
to just remove one plug--

just one--
so I can charge my phone.

I didn't just give him
the Indian version of
the finger, did I?

Oh, my God,
just let me handle this.

Lacey, your anger,
don't blow it.

I'm not angry,
I'm being nice.

You're not nice.

You're a very bad girl
who consorts with white
pretty boys.

Oh, yeah?
Well, I don't care
what you think.

This is America and you're
not allowed to just go around
saying whatever you want.

Read the "Constitution
of Independence," bitch.

- Lacey, I think you meant--
- I know I said it wrong,
but he doesn't, so zip it.

Remember,
we're only hours away

from the 30-day mark.
Keep it together.

And, sir,
I am in my 40s,

so I will thank you
to call me a pretty man.

Hello.
Yes, I'd like to order

the Gonzalez fight on
pay-per-view tonight.

$65?
That's outrageous!

Put it on my tab.

Charlie Goodson.

Thank you.

Martin, what are you
doing here?

I just came over
to watch the fight

and spend a little
father-son time with my boy.

Well, your boy's
outta town.

He is?

Why didn't he tell me?

I was really looking forward
to watching the fight
with him tonight.

Do me a favor,
don't tell him
I watched it alone.

He'd feel terrible
if he knew he disappointed me.

And, by the way, I might ask,
what are you doing here?

Me? I, uh...

I came to clean
his house for him.

I thought it'd be
a nice surprise when
he got home.

I'm not someone
who sneaks around trying
to take advantage of things.

Now if you wouldn't mind,
I'd appreciate it
if you'd leave...

through the kitchen.

Kitchen? Why?

- [ knocks on door ]
- What's with the questions?

Please,
leave through the kitchen.

Okay, ma'am,
this location
will work.

We're gonna bring
the cameras in,

but we need a 220 outlet
and a place to feed the crew.

What the hell's
going on here?

I, um-- I brought
in a crew to film me
cleaning the house.

I plan to do a really,
really good job.

Charlie was right,
walking away really
does help.

Especially when you can
walk away right into a bar.

I'll drink to that.

Oh, cheese
and crap on toast.

You and Patrick
can split that.

I'll just have
the fried clams.

Here you are,
friends.

You know,
alcohol leads to sin.

Remember, your body
was a temple that
was made by God.

Actually, Ed's body
is a beanbag chair

made of beer and pasta.
But it's his choice,

so if you could please
respect that, yeah,
that'd be great.

Oh, awesome
truth, bro.

But there's none so blind
as those who will not see.

All right, that's it.
It's go time.

Trust me, you're wasting
your time with this man.

He's a secular nudist.

So what about you?
Have you accepted the Lord?

Oh, you guys
don't want me.

Unrepentantly gay
and loving every
minute of it.

Next.

Oh, well,
God still loves you, too.

See, our brother Jason
here used to be gay.

Used to be gay?

Like what,
like 10 seconds ago?

Don't worry about it,
Lacey, I can charge
this somewhere else.

Wow.
What did you
say to them?

I complimented him
on his pants,

which is the highest honor
you can give to a man
in my culture,

and he was more
than happy to leave.

- Nice pants?
- Mm-hmm.

5,000 years of culture--
that's the best you've got?

- [ cell phone chimes ]
- [ Lacey gasps ]

"I've changed my mind.

I'm ready to commit.
I miss sex."

Give me that.

Ooh, Charlie's got
a girlfriend.

Who's robot girl?

Diabolical female machine
powered by my unhappiness.

Who finally,
after all this time,

is ready to be with me
and I'm stuck in the
San Francisco Airport.

Wow. Charlie,
you should go back
right now.

I know, I know,
but I don't wanna
abandon the group.

I wanna be there
when you guys reach
this milestone.

No worries.
I'll tell everyone
you had an emergency.

I don't know, Lacey.

For once, Charlie,
just go do something
for yourself.

It's such
an easy decision.

I know, I know,
but keep convincing me

- so I feel like
I struggled with it.
- Seriously, go.

All right,
I'm gonna do this.

I'm just gonna shoot
her a text and let her
know I'm on my way.

Are you crazy?
Don't do that.
Just show up.

Women love a BRJ.

Excuse me?

A big romantic gesture.

Wouldn't that be BRG?

Maybe the way
you do it.

Excuse me,
I need a flight
to Los Angeles.

Let me check.

There's one flight left,
but it leaves in 10 minutes.
You want it?

Absolutely.
Here's my card.

Oh, my God.
Charlie Goodson.

Yeah.

Don't you recognize me?

Sure, you're the TSA guy.

No. 1995.

Dodger Stadium.
The playoffs.

You broke a bat over your knee
and ended your career

because you were so mad
that a fan reached out

and grabbed a foul ball.

That was me.

Wow.
That was you.

Well, you know what?
I've actually moved on
with my life

and things are working out
pretty well.

So no hard feelings,
I forgive you.

- Here's your ticket, sir.
- Thank you.

- You better hurry,
they're boarding now.
- Thanks.

See, here's the thing...

I don't forgive you.

You ruined my life.

You're not going anywhere.

Okay, the computer.
I'd like you to turn it on,

turn it off,
then turn it on again.

And while you're doing that,
I'm gonna swab your face

for bomb-making residue.

Why are you
doing this to me?

I'm the one who lost
my baseball career.

Yeah, but you made me
a pariah in my own town.

After you went on the news
and told everyone

that I ruined
the Dodgers season,
my whole life fell apart.

I had to move
to a different city.

Now I look at fat people's
silhouettes in a scanner

while my lungs
collect radiation.

That's rough.

You ever give
a 300-pound man
a cavity search?

If I say yes,
will you feel closer
to me and let me go?

No.

Then, no,
that's disgusting.

I'm just trying
to catch a flight!

Well, I was just trying
to catch a foul ball.

I'm sorry,
is there a problem?

Yes, yes.

This man has
a personal vendetta
against me

and wants me
to miss my flight.

I'm not a terrorist,
this isn't a jihad,

there's no gunpowder
in my computer,

there's no explosives
in my socks, and there's
no heroin in my underwear.

I'm sorry, sir,
you just said four of our
five top watchwords

and now we also have to check
your underwear for heroin.

This is totally
un-American.

And there was number five.

I suppose now
you're gonna go get
the rubber gloves.

Oh, yeah.
Thanks for reminding me.

I sometimes
forget those things.

I can't believe
you rented out my son's
house to a movie crew.

They do it
all the time out here,

but my place
wasn't big enough.

Nonetheless, you've gone
way over the line
with this, Jen.

Bringing perfect strangers
into a man's house just
to make a few bucks,

I'm gonna have to tell
Charlie about this.

It's $8,000.
I'll cut you in for half.

Or we can take it
to our graves.
Either way.

What the hell
is going on in here?

I don't know what
you're referring to.

Charlie left me
in charge of the place

and he never said
anything about
a movie shoot.

Oh, my God,
that's Angel Lynn Foxx.

Angel Lynn Foxx?

Yeah,
the porn star.

And I know that because
I read an article
about her in...

I'm gonna say
"The New Yorker."

You didn't tell me
it was a porno movie!

I had no idea,
Martin!

Oh, really?

The name of the director
on the contract wasn't a clue?

"Penis De Laurentiis."

Yeah, I should've
caught that.

This is appalling!

I'm with Martin.

I find this demeaning
and shameful

and a little bit sad.

Okay, everybody,
pack up your stuff.

We're going
to my house.

Nolan: I'm really proud
of you for holding it
together, Patrick.

- You saved the 30 days.
- Barely.

I mean, where does
he get off calling
my lifestyle unnatural?

He's the one wearing
microfleece polyester.

Hey, Lacey. Lacey!
Where's Charlie?

Oh, he has
a family emergency

and had to go back
to L.A.

What happened?

His, um, daughter

went on a field trip
to the aquarium

and she fell
into the whale cage.

I promise,
you're not gonna
find anything.

Why don't you just tell
your supervisor the truth?

Sorry,
but the bomb-sniffing dog

did react pretty strongly
to your crotch.

All dogs react strongly
to crotches.

That's how they say hello.

Look, Todd, this isn't
gonna help you turn
your life around.

You're not gonna be able
to move forward unless you
let go of your anger.

[ sighs ]
Fair enough.

But once the gloves
are ordered,

there's really
nothing I can do.

Look, Todd,
can we talk man to man...

to man?

Sure.

Okay, okay.

There's this girl
waiting for me in LA.

And for years,
all she wanted to do
was have sex with me,

but then I got this text
saying that she's ready
for a commitment.

Hold on.

You expect us to believe
that a woman only wants sex,

but a man wants
a commitment?

Okay, now this story
is really falling apart.

You believe me,
right, Todd?

There's gotta be
some special gal
in your life, right?

Yeah, Luanne.

But she left me
after what you did
to me in 1995.

[ sighs ]

Please, you've gotta let me
get on that flight to LA.

I'm sorry,
but your flight
actually just left.

- It left?
- Yes.

Now once we go behind
the privacy screen,

we're gonna need you
to pull down your pants.

But I'm not
even flying anymore.

Now it's just a bad date.

You know what?
I am outta here.

What happened
to you?

Nothing, thank God.

I'm sure Lacey
told you, but I have
to get back to LA.

I just missed my flight,
so I'll have to rent a car.

But you are only hours away
from the 30-day mark

and I know you can do this.

And Sam will be fine,
Charlie.

Whales are huge,
but they mostly
eat plankton.

I thought you
weren't gonna get high
until we got to Tahoe?

So it's okay
if I keep his crate
in the bathroom?

Wherever his crate is,
that's his home.

The idea is to make him
fit into your lifestyle.

I feel really good
about changing my mind.

I really think I'm ready
for this kind of commitment.

I was just texting a friend

about how much I missed
this little guy.

Did I miss Rex?

Yes, I missed Rex.

I missed Rex a lot.

You know, I'm a little
surprised to see you.

Whatever happened
to the ski trip?

It doesn't matter.
This is more important to me.

Really?
It could have waited.

Well, I couldn't.

Aw, that's really sweet.

All right, ready to see
my little fluff ball?

I just drove five hours,
you're damn right I'm ready.

And I love
the new nickname fluff ball.

Yeah, well,
when you get
a cut and shampoo,

the hair on that thing
really expands.

Really?

And you're gonna love
how it smells.

And wait until you
see that little bow.

Little bow.
That's different.

Yeah, I thought
it'd be too girly,

but, you know,
everyone seems to like it.

Everyone?
Who else has seen it?

Everyone in the building.

I wanted everyone to see

so they'll stop complaining
about the noise.

What noise?

Here's Rex.

Charlie, what the hell
are you doing?

I saw this on
the "Dog Whisperer."

Trust me, it works.

See?
See how calm he is.

Charlie, did you think
we were gonna have sex?

Well,
when you texted me,

"I miss sex,"
I assumed.

Sex? Like I'd suddenly do
a 180 and want to commit?

I wrote, "I miss Rex."

The phone
autocorrected me.

Oh, God, I sent
the same text to
my entire family.

No wonder Uncle Louie
sent me that picture.

I always thought
he was a perv.

Well, maybe you should
read them before
you hit send.

Your phone
is a sex fiend.

Oh, really?

Okay,
"Do you like my puppy?"

Okay, it turned
"like" to lick.

And wait till you see
what it did with "puppy."