Original subtitles

I think the frequency of our sexual encounters

leveled off around

the sixth year of marriage.

Otherwise, it was a pretty good year for me.

- I was... - Who cares?!

I don't care! Who cares?!

Charlie, turn this off before we die.

Or would it be more exciting

if we were listening...

to the sex life of Hitler?

Or, even scarier...

pirate Hitler.

Ruler of the Third Reich from the seven seas.

But still fun at parties.

And you thought we wouldn't be able to work together.

Maybe we should change the whole research project to computer doodling.

Could talk about it over dinner.

That's a dangerous road, Charlie.

The road's not that dangerous,

I used to drive that road all the time.

No, no, no, no, no.

That's why I got an attack dog. For people like you.

Sic him, Rex. Sic him.

In three years, when he's trained to do that sort of thing,

you'll be sorry.

So you decided to keep him?

No, I'm taking him back to the breeder.

It's too much work and they're so emotional.

Everything is like the greatest thing they've ever seen.

A dirty tennis ball is like a double rainbow.

Don't worry about robot girl, Rex.

One day a human will adopt you.

If you like him so much,

why don't you take him for a walk?

I'd love to, but I gotta get home and pack.

In the morning, I'm taking the group to Tahoe to celebrate.

For the first time, they've made it 30 days without an anger incident.

Oh, so you're rewarding them for the healthy thing

they're supposed to be doing in the first place.

That's like rewarding Rex for laying there.

God, he's so much work.

It's not about the trip, it's about the milestone.

They deserve to be rewarded for making it 30 days.

Although, as of tomorrow, it'll only be 29.

Mm. Pardon robot girl for being dubious,

but on the last day of your no-anger marathon,

you're going to take your anger group to an airport.

In my clinical opinion, you're stupid.

Ah, you may think that,

but wait till you hear my reasoning.

When I bought the tickets online,

I put in the wrong day.

[ theme music playing ]

Okay, so leave this light here on all night, stack the mail right here,

and, if you can, try to figure out who's been stealing my "Sports Illustrateds."

I didn't get the last four issues.

Two issues. I'll keep an eye out.

Dad, I'm 16 years old,

why don't you just let me stay home alone while you're gone?

Good idea.

Michael, you don't have to check in.

Remember, sweetheart, if someone breaks in,

just hide under a bed, in a closet.

It won't work, but it'll make you feel like you did something.

If you think that's going to work...

you're right, let Michael die.

Don't worry about the house, I got it.

And do yourself a favor, while you're in Tahoe,

just forget about Kate. Have fun.

I can't forget about Kate.

Besides, for the first time in a long time,

we're enjoying each other's company.

I actually think she's gonna miss me.

Well, it happens, Charlie.

When I don't see you for a couple of days, things are a little off.

The sun isn't quite as bright.

The flowers don't smell as sweet.

I still want my "Sports Illustrateds" back.

Fine. Cheap son of a bitch.

Lacey, you do know it's 45 degrees in Tahoe?

I know, but this will get me into the VIP security line at the airport.

I am not looking forward to this.

I hate flying. It is so exhausting.

The only thing I can't stand is those

tambourine-banging, bald-headed Hare Krishnas

all over the airport throwing their religion in my face.

Relax, Ed, you don't have to worry about the Hare Krishnas anymore.

They've been replaced by terrorists.

And by terrorists he means the people working at security.

But once you get on the airplane, I love it.

I mean, visiting the cockpit,

talking to the captain,

relaxing in a spacious seat,

enjoying a smoke and free whiskey brought to me

by a hot, young stewardess.

Ed, when was the last time you flew?

Uh, 1975.

Well, the good news is those same stewardesses are still working.

Ed: That flight from L.A. was terrible.

Tiny seats, no meals,

and the drinks were being served by the pilots.

Those weren't the pilots, Ed,

they were male flight attendants.

What?!

Well, I can understand a woman wanting a man's job,

but what were those fellas thinking?

It was like being in a big flying tube of sissy.

At least you didn't have a screaming baby sitting behind you the whole time.

I said I was sorry.

Woman on P.A.: Attention, please,

due to mechanical issues, flight 451 to Lake Tahoe

has been delayed indefinitely.

We will update you shortly.

Indefinitely?

That bitch is in every airport

and she never has anything good to say.

Come on, guys,

you've done great up until now. This is a big test for us.

If you can control your anger for another five hours,

you'll make the 30-day mark.

Hello, friend.

We are snowboarders for the Lord.

We have to save 13 souls on this trip

and you are going to be number one.

Oh, crap, it's the Hare Christians.

So, friend, let me ask you a question.

If you died right now, do you think you'd go to heaven?

Do you?

Because you can keep talking and we'll find out for sure.

Uh, Patrick, Nolan.

Why don't you take Ed to the as-far-away- as-you-can-get store?

I don't know that store. Where is it?

It's as far away as you can get.

That seems inconvenient.

Looks like this is your lucky day.

Now we're free to save your soul.

Yeah, too late, my ex-wife got that in the divorce.

Shoot, no power.

Excuse me, sir.

Could you unplug one of your devices so I could charge my phone?

How about, let's say, the hair straightener.

I mean, mission accomplished, right?

- How about this one? - [ speaking foreign language ]

Yeah, I'd use my translator app, but I'm out of power.

Lacey, would you come over here, please?

Don't start with me.

Anything you eat at the airport doesn't count.

I'm having a hard time talking to these people, would you mind?

Just because I'm Indian, you think I can speak their language?

That's so racist.

Would you kindly ask them to just remove one plug--

just one-- so I can charge my phone.

I didn't just give him the Indian version of the finger, did I?

Oh, my God, just let me handle this.

Lacey, your anger, don't blow it.

I'm not angry, I'm being nice.

You're not nice.

You're a very bad girl who consorts with white pretty boys.

Oh, yeah? Well, I don't care what you think.

This is America and you're not allowed to just go around saying whatever you want.

Read the "Constitution of Independence," bitch.

- Lacey, I think you meant-- - I know I said it wrong, but he doesn't, so zip it.

Remember, we're only hours away

from the 30-day mark. Keep it together.

And, sir, I am in my 40s,

so I will thank you to call me a pretty man.

Hello. Yes, I'd like to order

the Gonzalez fight on pay-per-view tonight.

$65? That's outrageous!

Put it on my tab.

Charlie Goodson.

Thank you.

Martin, what are you doing here?

I just came over to watch the fight

and spend a little father-son time with my boy.

Well, your boy's outta town.

He is?

Why didn't he tell me?

I was really looking forward to watching the fight with him tonight.

Do me a favor, don't tell him I watched it alone.

He'd feel terrible if he knew he disappointed me.

And, by the way, I might ask, what are you doing here?

Me? I, uh...

I came to clean his house for him.

I thought it'd be a nice surprise when he got home.

I'm not someone who sneaks around trying to take advantage of things.

Now if you wouldn't mind, I'd appreciate it if you'd leave...

through the kitchen.

Kitchen? Why?

- [ knocks on door ] - What's with the questions?

Please, leave through the kitchen.

Okay, ma'am, this location will work.

We're gonna bring the cameras in,

but we need a 220 outlet and a place to feed the crew.

What the hell's going on here?

I, um-- I brought in a crew to film me cleaning the house.

I plan to do a really, really good job.

Charlie was right, walking away really does help.

Especially when you can walk away right into a bar.

I'll drink to that.

Oh, cheese and crap on toast.

You and Patrick can split that.

I'll just have the fried clams.

Here you are, friends.

You know, alcohol leads to sin.

Remember, your body was a temple that was made by God.

Actually, Ed's body is a beanbag chair

made of beer and pasta. But it's his choice,

so if you could please respect that, yeah, that'd be great.

Oh, awesome truth, bro.

But there's none so blind as those who will not see.

All right, that's it. It's go time.

Trust me, you're wasting your time with this man.

He's a secular nudist.

So what about you? Have you accepted the Lord?

Oh, you guys don't want me.

Unrepentantly gay and loving every minute of it.

Next.

Oh, well, God still loves you, too.

See, our brother Jason here used to be gay.

Used to be gay?

Like what, like 10 seconds ago?

Don't worry about it, Lacey, I can charge this somewhere else.

Wow. What did you say to them?

I complimented him on his pants,

which is the highest honor you can give to a man in my culture,

and he was more than happy to leave.

- Nice pants? - Mm-hmm.

5,000 years of culture-- that's the best you've got?

- [ cell phone chimes ] - [ Lacey gasps ]

"I've changed my mind.

I'm ready to commit. I miss sex."

Give me that.

Ooh, Charlie's got a girlfriend.

Who's robot girl?

Diabolical female machine powered by my unhappiness.

Who finally, after all this time,

is ready to be with me and I'm stuck in the San Francisco Airport.

Wow. Charlie, you should go back right now.

I know, I know, but I don't wanna abandon the group.

I wanna be there when you guys reach this milestone.

No worries. I'll tell everyone you had an emergency.

I don't know, Lacey.

For once, Charlie, just go do something for yourself.

It's such an easy decision.

I know, I know, but keep convincing me

- so I feel like I struggled with it. - Seriously, go.

All right, I'm gonna do this.

I'm just gonna shoot her a text and let her know I'm on my way.

Are you crazy? Don't do that. Just show up.

Women love a BRJ.

Excuse me?

A big romantic gesture.

Wouldn't that be BRG?

Maybe the way you do it.

Excuse me, I need a flight to Los Angeles.

Let me check.

There's one flight left, but it leaves in 10 minutes. You want it?

Absolutely. Here's my card.

Oh, my God. Charlie Goodson.

Yeah.

Don't you recognize me?

Sure, you're the TSA guy.

No. 1995.

Dodger Stadium. The playoffs.

You broke a bat over your knee and ended your career

because you were so mad that a fan reached out

and grabbed a foul ball.

That was me.

Wow. That was you.

Well, you know what? I've actually moved on with my life

and things are working out pretty well.

So no hard feelings, I forgive you.

- Here's your ticket, sir. - Thank you.

- You better hurry, they're boarding now. - Thanks.

See, here's the thing...

I don't forgive you.

You ruined my life.

You're not going anywhere.

Okay, the computer. I'd like you to turn it on,

turn it off, then turn it on again.

And while you're doing that, I'm gonna swab your face

for bomb-making residue.

Why are you doing this to me?

I'm the one who lost my baseball career.

Yeah, but you made me a pariah in my own town.

After you went on the news and told everyone

that I ruined the Dodgers season, my whole life fell apart.

I had to move to a different city.

Now I look at fat people's silhouettes in a scanner

while my lungs collect radiation.

That's rough.

You ever give a 300-pound man a cavity search?

If I say yes, will you feel closer to me and let me go?

No.

Then, no, that's disgusting.

I'm just trying to catch a flight!

Well, I was just trying to catch a foul ball.

I'm sorry, is there a problem?

Yes, yes.

This man has a personal vendetta against me

and wants me to miss my flight.

I'm not a terrorist, this isn't a jihad,

there's no gunpowder in my computer,

there's no explosives in my socks, and there's no heroin in my underwear.

I'm sorry, sir, you just said four of our five top watchwords

and now we also have to check your underwear for heroin.

This is totally un-American.

And there was number five.

I suppose now you're gonna go get the rubber gloves.

Oh, yeah. Thanks for reminding me.

I sometimes forget those things.

I can't believe you rented out my son's house to a movie crew.

They do it all the time out here,

but my place wasn't big enough.

Nonetheless, you've gone way over the line with this, Jen.

Bringing perfect strangers into a man's house just to make a few bucks,

I'm gonna have to tell Charlie about this.

It's $8,000. I'll cut you in for half.

Or we can take it to our graves. Either way.

What the hell is going on in here?

I don't know what you're referring to.

Charlie left me in charge of the place

and he never said anything about a movie shoot.

Oh, my God, that's Angel Lynn Foxx.

Angel Lynn Foxx?

Yeah, the porn star.

And I know that because I read an article about her in...

I'm gonna say "The New Yorker."

You didn't tell me it was a porno movie!

I had no idea, Martin!

Oh, really?

The name of the director on the contract wasn't a clue?

"Penis De Laurentiis."

Yeah, I should've caught that.

This is appalling!

I'm with Martin.

I find this demeaning and shameful

and a little bit sad.

Okay, everybody, pack up your stuff.

We're going to my house.

Nolan: I'm really proud of you for holding it together, Patrick.

- You saved the 30 days. - Barely.

I mean, where does he get off calling my lifestyle unnatural?

He's the one wearing microfleece polyester.

Hey, Lacey. Lacey! Where's Charlie?

Oh, he has a family emergency

and had to go back to L.A.

What happened?

His, um, daughter

went on a field trip to the aquarium

and she fell into the whale cage.

I promise, you're not gonna find anything.

Why don't you just tell your supervisor the truth?

Sorry, but the bomb-sniffing dog

did react pretty strongly to your crotch.

All dogs react strongly to crotches.

That's how they say hello.

Look, Todd, this isn't gonna help you turn your life around.

You're not gonna be able to move forward unless you let go of your anger.

[ sighs ] Fair enough.

But once the gloves are ordered,

there's really nothing I can do.

Look, Todd, can we talk man to man...

to man?

Sure.

Okay, okay.

There's this girl waiting for me in LA.

And for years, all she wanted to do was have sex with me,

but then I got this text saying that she's ready for a commitment.

Hold on.

You expect us to believe that a woman only wants sex,

but a man wants a commitment?

Okay, now this story is really falling apart.

You believe me, right, Todd?

There's gotta be some special gal in your life, right?

Yeah, Luanne.

But she left me after what you did to me in 1995.

[ sighs ]

Please, you've gotta let me get on that flight to LA.

I'm sorry, but your flight actually just left.

- It left? - Yes.

Now once we go behind the privacy screen,

we're gonna need you to pull down your pants.

But I'm not even flying anymore.

Now it's just a bad date.

You know what? I am outta here.

What happened to you?

Nothing, thank God.

I'm sure Lacey told you, but I have to get back to LA.

I just missed my flight, so I'll have to rent a car.

But you are only hours away from the 30-day mark

and I know you can do this.

And Sam will be fine, Charlie.

Whales are huge, but they mostly eat plankton.

I thought you weren't gonna get high until we got to Tahoe?

So it's okay if I keep his crate in the bathroom?

Wherever his crate is, that's his home.

The idea is to make him fit into your lifestyle.

I feel really good about changing my mind.

I really think I'm ready for this kind of commitment.

I was just texting a friend

about how much I missed this little guy.

Did I miss Rex?

Yes, I missed Rex.

I missed Rex a lot.

You know, I'm a little surprised to see you.

Whatever happened to the ski trip?

It doesn't matter. This is more important to me.

Really? It could have waited.

Well, I couldn't.

Aw, that's really sweet.

All right, ready to see my little fluff ball?

I just drove five hours, you're damn right I'm ready.

And I love the new nickname fluff ball.

Yeah, well, when you get a cut and shampoo,

the hair on that thing really expands.

Really?

And you're gonna love how it smells.

And wait until you see that little bow.

Little bow. That's different.

Yeah, I thought it'd be too girly,

but, you know, everyone seems to like it.

Everyone? Who else has seen it?

Everyone in the building.

I wanted everyone to see

so they'll stop complaining about the noise.

What noise?

Here's Rex.

Charlie, what the hell are you doing?

I saw this on the "Dog Whisperer."

Trust me, it works.

See? See how calm he is.

Charlie, did you think we were gonna have sex?

Well, when you texted me,

"I miss sex," I assumed.

Sex? Like I'd suddenly do a 180 and want to commit?

I wrote, "I miss Rex."

The phone autocorrected me.

Oh, God, I sent the same text to my entire family.

No wonder Uncle Louie sent me that picture.

I always thought he was a perv.

Well, maybe you should read them before you hit send.

Your phone is a sex fiend.

Oh, really?

Okay, "Do you like my puppy?"

Okay, it turned "like" to lick.

And wait till you see what it did with "puppy."