All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E21.Charlie.and.Kate.Start.a.Sex.Study.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

That's a very interesting
perspective, Ed.

So you see all dogs as male,
all cats as female.

What I don't quite
understand is how all
squirrels are Jews.

Hey, everybody,
sorry I'm late.

Wow.

You know you're overdressed
when your walk of shame
includes a suitcase.

When a guy has sex with me,

he's the one who does
the walk of shame.

Wait...

No, you're right.

Just congratulate me.

I'm gonna be
a pharmaceutical rep.

Pay up.

I told you she'd end up
a drug dealer.

Damn.

I was sure she was gonna
wind up a waitress at Hooters.

Guys, guys, how many times
do I gotta tell you

stop betting on
each other's lives?

Unless you wanna bet
that someone's gonna succeed.

Fine. A very successful
waitress at Hooters.

I don't know
quite how to measure that.

If you have boobs,
you're a success at Hooters.

So that thing's
filled with drugs?

No, I've got six weeks
of training before they
give me any drugs to sell.

So you're basically
you're just practicing
wheeling around a bag.

So you haven't quit
Sephora yet?

I would never
quit Sephora.

I love them
and they love me.

That's why I have to do
something really horrible

so they fire me
and I can collect
unemployment.

You're gonna get fired
on purpose

- so you can collect
unemployment?
- Mm-hmm.

Do you know what
that makes you?

An American?

[ crying ]
She's dead, Charlie.

One minute I'm talking
to her on the phone

and the next minute,
she's dead.

Sorry, guys,
let's pick this up
tomorrow.

[ sobbing ]

It's okay.
It's all right,
it's all right.

Just take a deep breath--

take a deep breath
and tell me what happened.

Nothing.
I just didn't wanna wait

till the end of your group
to talk to you.

Why the hell won't you
do this research study
with me?

You scared my group
out of here so you could
talk about the study?

You won't return my texts,
my calls, nothing.

Both our names
are on the grant.

The institute
won't let one of us
do it without the other.

You've got to do this.
It could make both
of our careers.

There's more to life
than a career, you know.

You're babbling,
speak English.

We can't do this together.
We can't do anything together.

You don't want a relationship,
we just broke up.

Charlie,
you can't pass this up.

Don't you want
the book deals,

the talk shows,
the acclaim from your peers?

I don't have a pathetic need
for that kind of stuff,

but it's okay if you do.

And I understand
that you need my help
to get there...

but I'm not gonna do it.

Sorry.

You know what I think?

You're doing this
to punish me.

Maybe.

[ theme music playing ]

Hey, I found a match.
I can finally charge
my mini disc player.

Thank God.

Now you can bring
your music with you
in 1997.

No, this is fantastic.

You gotta find a cord
to the cassette player.

I wanna play
the apology mix-tape
Charlie made for me.

There's more than one
if I remember correctly.

I believe there was
a whole series.

I'd get a new one
every month.

It was like being in
the Bad Relationship Music Club.

I was just expressing
my feelings the only way
I knew how.

How come this one says,
"Tempted by the fruit of
another, me so horny"?

That-- that wasn't
for you.

I'm gonna go see
if Sam found anything.

When we're done,
I'm taking you out
for a big steak dinner.

We're celebrating--
Kate came crawling back
to me today.

Oh, so we're
celebrating that you two
are having sex again.

No, no, she seems okay
without that.

Oh, then we're celebrating
that she missed you

and wants to be
your friend again.
That's just as important.

No, she doesn't wanna
be my friend.

Okay, just for the record,

this is turning out to be
a very disappointing
crawling-back story.

No, no, no, no.

We're celebrating
that she begged me to do
the big sex study

that we got the grant for.
And I said no.

You said no?

No is a very powerful word,
my friend.

You should use it sometime,
like when I ask you
to come over

and do stupid stuff
like this.

Sam found some more stuff
that goes with the cords.

- Oh, my God. Is that
a Barbie Dreamcorder?
- Yeah.

- You know what that needs?
- A little imagination and Ken
to press record?

- A pink cord.
- [ Jen laughs ]

And boom goes the dynamite,

I want a porterhouse.

Oh, my God.
This is gonna
be hilarious.

When I was five,
I dressed up my dad
as Tinker Bell

and we had a tea party
and I recorded
the whole thing.

- Give me the Dreamcorder.
- Run, Sam, hide it.

I'll pay you 100 bucks
if you show me later.

200 if you put it
on YouTube.

You know what?
I don't care what
she does with it.

I looked damn good
in the wings and the blue
eye shadow.

Okay, so why did you turn
Kate down for the study?

Because there's no grant
unless we both do it.

She needed me
and I wasn't gonna give her
the satisfaction.

Oh, good for you, man.

She destroyed you
and this is your way
of letting her know.

She didn't destroy me.

I was coming from
a position of strength.

I showed her
that I was controlling
my own destiny.

And you did that
by running away
and hiding from her.

Yes.
What? No.

No. I'm not hiding
from anybody.

You know what?
I'm gonna do that study.

I'm strong,
I can handle anything.

[ laughs ]
Oh, my God.

The Internet is gonna
fall in love with you.

You look so adorable
doing your little
tippy-toe dance.

That took a tremendous amount
of strength.

Especially being
thrown off balance
by the giant fairy wings.

So whenever you feel
the urge to steal,

remember to take
a deep breath

and realize that this
is all just part of your
compulsive disorder.

It will pass.

Now give me back
my fountain pen.

And my stapler.

And my phone.

By the way,
you're very good.
[ laughs ]

Oh, Charlie,
what are you doing here?

Waiting for you to realize
she just stole your watch.

She'll bring it back.
She also has a guilt complex.

So, what's up?

I'm ready to do
the study.

Oh, you are?

What about punishing me?

I realized
that was immature.

Kinda like
our entire relationship.

I'm tired of running into
the same brick wall

trying to turn you into
something you'll never be.

I'm over you.

Oh.
Oh, good.

You're damn right
it's good.

Now here's the deal--

no after hours,
no going to each
other's houses.

We are only there
as scientists.

Right, scientists.

Comparing the relative
happiness of couples

in "friends with benefits"
arrangements

with couples
in traditional monogamist
sexual relationships.

And that's it.

Damn right that's it.

You don't have to agree
to everything you propose

that I agree to.

It's redundant, okay?

You're damn right
it's okay.

I will call
the university

and set us up
with some offices tomorrow.

I look forward
to working with you.

A handshake,
how professional.

Oh, and make sure
you get one of those labs

that has one of those
mirrors you can only see
through one way.

You mean
a two-way mirror.

No, a two-way mirror
is one where you can
see through both ways.

That's a window.

We don't want a window.

We're gonna be
observing people having sex.

We don't want them
looking at us.

That would be an invasion
of our privacy.

Okay,
this is gonna be easy.

You ask me a simple question,
I come back at you over the top,

- then you demand that
I get fired, got it?
- Got it.

Let's do this.

Welcome to Sephora,
how can I help you?

- I thought I was
supposed to start?
- Oh, my God. Fine.

What are you
waiting for?

I'm trying to decide
between the face moisturizer
or the foot cream.

Who cares?
Just pick one.

I care.
I wanna take care
of my face,

but flip-flop season's
right around the corner.

Just pick something,
you stupid tool!

God, how dumb are you?

I'm just trying
to make a good choice.

Why do you hurt people?

I'm sorry,
is there a problem?

Yeah, she just started
yelling at me

because I couldn't decide
between the face moisturizer

or the foot one.
[ sniffles ]

I'm not dumb,
you know.

Here, please,
take a jar of each,
no charge.

Lacey, can I see you
for a minute?

I know, I'm fired.
I'm gonna miss this place.
I'll go get my stuff.

I can't fire you,
you're Indian.

I'd be inviting
a discrimination lawsuit.

Wait, so you're not
gonna fire me?

I swear,
I won't sue.

That's what Shaniqua
and Ching-Chang said.

His name wasn't
Ching-Chang.

Oh, yeah,
that's in the lawsuit, too.

Thank you both
for coming.

We're interviewing potential
subjects for a study
we're conducting

regarding sexual behavior
in relationships.

We've invited couples
who are either in

a traditional monogamist
relationship

or in a friends
with benefits
relationship.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You gonna say it like
that every time?

Say what?

- You were all like,
"monogamist."
- No, I wasn't.

Yes, you were.
Didn't you hear it
that way?

Yeah, she was
all kinda like,

[ mutters ]
"monogamist."

See, you're already
being biased.

I am not biased.
It's the words.

Friends and benefits
are very positive words.

You know,
hey, I've got friends.

Oh, look,
there's benefits.

Oh, no, I got
traditional monogamy.
[ groans ]

You can't put "oh, no"
in front of it.

Well, I was just using it
in a sentence.

Fine.
I can do it
this way,

hot damn, I found
traditional monogamy!

Kate: Who the hell would say that?

An old-timey
relationship prospector?

How 'bout we all agree
to disagree?

Here, we filled out
the questionnaire.

Yeah, you can shred that
on your way out the door

'cause your involvement's
been compromised by what
you just heard.

Well, we still get that
$10 iTunes gift card,
though, right?

Yeah, sorry, those are only
for people who make it
into the study.

Yeah, those are some
of the "benefits."

Anyway, we found
that making

an appointment for sex
has really helped
our marriage.

Man:
Yeah, our minister
suggested it,

so now I know that
every Thursday when
I come home from work

and she's sipping a martini
through that leather mask,

well, by gosh,
it's on.

Oh, we're pretty active
in the bedroom.

And we'll tell you
everything.

With us, it's just
sex, sex, sex.

You're just here
for the iTunes gift card,
aren't you?

Please,
don't make us kiss.

[ clears throat ]

We're perfect
for the study.

We've been married 20 years
and our sex is a wonderment.

It's more than just
lovemaking,

our souls
are intertwined.

Afterwards,

we're both so
emotionally drained,

we have to cuddle
for at least an hour.

[ stifled laugh ]

What?
What's happening?

I am so close

and he's just teasing me

and it's like
he knows what I'm thinking

and he's not stopping

and I don't want him
to stop.

Is this too much detail?

I don't think it's too much.
Do you think it's too much?

No, I don't think
it's too much.

I think it's
right on the money.

He just has this way

of keeping me there.

And the tension
is almost unbearable.

Just the way our bodies
move together.

Hey, we really should go.

We're going to be late
for our couples massage.

- Oh.
- Let us know
if we made the study.

- We'll be in touch.
- Touch.

- So...
- So...

I think we should take
a 10-minute bathroom break.

- I only need five.
- I'm good with that.

[ clears throat ]
Is that fresh coffee?

I just made it.

May I...

Sure.

So that was awkward.

- What was awkward?
- You know, what we just did.

I don't know what you did,
but I went to the bathroom.

And that stopped being awkward
when they transferred me
to the big-boy potty.

Charlie, please,
we were both so
crazy turned on,

we both went
to the bathroom
and, you know,

took matters
into our own hands.

I did no such thing.

Why are you denying this?

This is a sexually charged
environment and, given our
personal history,

this is probably
going to be a problem
on a fairly regular basis.

We have to figure this out.

You have to figure it out
because I don't have a problem.

Well, good for you.

Damn right it's good.

[ whispers ]
Wow.

You sure this is gonna work?
The last time was a disaster.

Trust me.
Did you bring my two cases
of wrinkle cream?

Two cases?
I thought we agreed on one.

Look, if you don't like
the terms,

I can always
take my crow's-feet
and go elsewhere.

You don't have
any stupid crow's feet.

And I intend
to keep it that way.

Fine. Two cases.

Good. Let's do this.
I have a lunch to get to.

What do you mean
you won't sell me this
because I'm gay?!

Is there a problem, sir?

Yes,
this "young lady"

just informed me
that my money is
not welcome here

because of the way
I was born.

- I'm so sorry, sir.
- I want her terminated.

Oh, no,
please, don't.

No.

Lacey, you're fired.

Pack up your stuff
right now and leave.

But-- but... okay.

Oh, my God,
you were right.

Told you. In the world
of discrimination lawsuits,

gay beats Indian
every time.

- I had no idea.
- Yeah.

There should be a chart
for what beats what.
Like in poker.

The only way
you could've beat me

is if you were
a Native American-lesbian-
war hero in a wheelchair.

[ chuckles ]
It's a royal flush.

So, Wayne,
I understand we're
celebrating something.

That's right, Charlie.

Excuse me if I'm a bit
giddy today,

but you'll be happy to know,
as of one hour ago,

I celebrated
my 30-day milestone.

30 days of no anger,
that's excellent.

No, no.
I was angry.

30 days of no stabbing.

- [ applause ]
- Oh. I'm just kidding.

[ laughs ]

Well, good for you.
It must be tough when you're
surrounded by so much violence.

True that
because I wanted
to kill my cellmate.

It seems unfair.

I mean, everybody else
was killing their cellmate,

it looked like
so much fun.

You know what?

Kill him at Christmas
as a gift to yourself.

That's what I did
last year.

I gave myself
a white supremacist...
[ yells ]

Well, it's always nice
to have someone to open
on Christmas morning.

Well, I am
proud of you, Wayne.
I know how it feels

to be in close proximity
of somebody you have
strong feelings for.

You're tempted to do things
that you shouldn't.

Oh, man,
Charlie talking about
that girl again.

Is it that same bitch?

Yes.

What's going on,
Charlie?

We broke up.

But now we're doing
a research study together
about sex

and it's killing me.

I think it's
very insensitive of you
to bring up killing

when you know
I can't do that
right now.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Wayne.

The problem is this project's
gonna take several months.

So every day,
I'm gonna be trapped
in a little room with someone

that I can't keep
my hands off of.

Been there,
doing that.

Don't give up,
Charlie.

To be honest,
I couldn't have done

30 days of stablessness
on my own.

Well, thank you, Wayne.
That means a lot to me.

Well, it shouldn't.

I'm talking about that
big ole son of a bitch
right there.

After all my stabbing,

they decided to put
someone on me 24/7.

Kinda changes
the dynamic having
a third party observing.

It's a total mood killer.

Hey, Ryan, would you make
four copies of this for me?

- Yeah, sure, Charlie.
- Thank you.

Hey, good idea
bringing on an intern.

The energy in
here isn't as...

charged after
our sex interviews.

I don't know what energy
you're talking about.

I never felt any energy.

Look,
I'm just saying

you did the right thing,
you know?

Why can't you admit

that you brought him in
because you were turned on?

Because I wasn't.

[ giggles ]
So I don't turn
you on at all?

Three weeks ago,
you wanted to bang me
when I had the flu.

The flu turns me on.

You don't.

Oh, so you'd probably
be okay if I asked
Ryan out tonight.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You wanna go out
with the intern?

Why do you care?
There's no chemistry
between us now, right?

What makes you think he even
wants to go out with you?

- Ryan, do you wanna
go out with me?
- Hell, yeah.

Fine.
Do whatever you want.

I just think an intern
is beneath you.

From your lips
to God's ears.

[ clicks tongue ]

- Good morning, Charlie.
- Kate.

Ryan will be right in.

He's picking me up
some breakfast.

Cool.
So how'd your date go?

Well, you know what
they say about young men.
[ giggles ]

That they have no money
and when you go out with them,

you have to pay
for everything?

Besides that.

They're not afraid to tell you
when they're turned on.

[ quietly ]
And tell you and tell you
and tell you.

Well, I'm happy
you had fun.

Here, Charlie.
I transcribed those
interviews you asked for.

Boy, those people
are not shy.

Thank you.

- Hi. Who are you?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Kate, this is Natalie.
She's our new intern.

I figured we're gonna
be so busy around here,
we might need the extra help.

Nice to meet you, Kate.

Oh, please.

Hey, if you can hit
on an intern, so can I.
You started it.

You're bluffing.

Oh, really?

Watch this.

- Hey, Natalie.
- Yeah?

- How 'bout you and I
go out tonight?
- No, you're old.

[ laughs ]

You know what sucks?

When you try to use someone
to get back at someone

and the whole plan
completely falls apart.

Hey, my part of the plan
worked out pretty well.

Except for hanging out
with Ryan and his roommates

for four hours
playing World of Warcraft.

It turns out
I'm chaotic neutral.

No, you're chaos central.

Okay,
I'm ready to say it.

I was turned on
the other day.

I was turned on,
but I have too much
pride to admit it.

- This isn't easy for me.
- Yeah, well, this is hard
for me, too.

- Good.
- Yeah.

And I don't think
threatening to sleep
with our hot interns

from our steamy sex lab
is the answer.

You're right.
You're right.

So were you actually
considering having sex
with that kid?

God, no.
He still sleeps on
"Star Wars" sheets

and has a dorm curfew.

Oh, yeah?
Well, you're old.

Okay,
they're both fired.

Agreed.

So what do we do now?

So we're both
just lying there
covered in sweat

trying to catch our breath.

We couldn't believe
what we had just done.

But I knew I wanted
to do it again.

Well, thank you
for coming back.

I think we can
both agree

we'd like you to be
part of the study.

Absolutely.
That'd be great.

- Thank you so much.
- Great, thank you.
See you soon.

Well, I think
our new system
is working out great.

I agree.
I feel nothing.

Neither do I.

Can I get you guys
some coffee before
I hit the can?

I'm gonna be awhile.

I'm gonna have to put
breakfast nachos on
the "don't" list.

Eh, not that one.