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1
00:00:00,534 --> 00:00:02,270
[music playing]
2
00:00:09,277 --> 00:00:11,479
[laughs]
3
00:00:11,579 --> 00:00:12,680
What's so funny?
4
00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:15,716
Look at the cover of
this ridiculous magazine.
5
00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:16,750
Harrison Ford?
6
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:18,086
Ooh, let me see that.
7
00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:20,554
They're calling this ugly
nerd the sexiest man on earth.
8
00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:21,989
[laughing]
9
00:00:22,090 --> 00:00:23,191
Well he is.
10
00:00:23,291 --> 00:00:25,526
Oh, wait a minute, you
actually think he's sexy?
11
00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:26,660
I wouldn't kick
him out of bed.
12
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,129
[laughing]
13
00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:29,463
I would.
14
00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:32,266
He's got to go out and work,
and support me and the kids.
15
00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:33,434
Oh, come on.
16
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:34,802
I'm sexier than he is.
17
00:00:34,902 --> 00:00:35,703
Absolutely.
18
00:00:35,803 --> 00:00:36,970
[laughing]
19
00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:38,639
Excuse me.
20
00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:40,074
[laughing]
21
00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:45,012
Well, at least you think
I'm sexier than he is, Mary.
22
00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:47,248
Huh, Don't you?
23
00:00:47,348 --> 00:00:48,382
Oh, come on, Dick.
24
00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:53,787
You're sexy, but you're
no Harrison Ford.
25
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:55,123
I am too, Harrison Ford.
26
00:00:55,223 --> 00:00:56,524
Oh, Dick.
27
00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:57,958
Well I am.
28
00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,227
I have to get to class.
29
00:00:59,327 --> 00:01:00,761
How can you
possibly say Harrison
30
00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:02,930
Ford is sexier than I am?
31
00:01:03,030 --> 00:01:05,233
I mean just because he's got
those incredible cheekbones
32
00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:09,069
and that perfectly
chiseled jaw, and those
33
00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:14,375
penetrating brown eyes that you
could almost lose yourself in--
34
00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:16,043
[laughing]
35
00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:20,414
--if you stare at
them long enough.
36
00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:21,315
Ah.
37
00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:23,784
[laughing]
38
00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:25,619
But I love you.
39
00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:26,520
See ya, Dick.
40
00:01:34,462 --> 00:01:37,398
Oh, my god!
41
00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:38,299
I'm hideous!
42
00:01:38,399 --> 00:01:40,100
[laughing]
43
00:01:40,201 --> 00:01:42,603
[theme music]
44
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,508
[laughing]
45
00:02:24,945 --> 00:02:25,746
OK, fine.
46
00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:26,847
Lights.
47
00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:29,049
Any questions, comments, anyone?
48
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,384
About what, Dr. Solomon?
49
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:31,919
We've been sitting in
the dark for 10 minutes.
50
00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:32,853
You haven't shown us a thing.
51
00:02:32,953 --> 00:02:34,355
I've been showing you my face.
52
00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:37,090
What do you people
think of my face?
53
00:02:37,191 --> 00:02:38,359
Anyone?
54
00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:39,660
How about you, Bug?
55
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,529
Uh, excuse me, sir?
56
00:02:41,629 --> 00:02:42,763
Um, your what?
57
00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:43,897
My face.
58
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:46,033
My face-- do you
find it appealing
59
00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:48,436
in an incredibly
handsome, sexiest man
60
00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:50,938
on earth, sort of way?
61
00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:54,107
You're sort of not my type.
62
00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:56,577
How about you, Pitman--
do you find me attractive?
63
00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:57,878
I'm sorry, Dr. Solomon.
64
00:02:57,978 --> 00:03:00,281
The last time I answered
that question in school,
65
00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:01,782
one thing led to
another, and then
66
00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:06,887
my biology teacher wound up
asking me to kill her husband.
67
00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:09,189
Leon, you'll give
me a straight answer.
68
00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:10,424
Me?
69
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:13,861
Well, Dr. Solomon, I've
always found high cheekbones
70
00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:16,163
to be very attractive.
71
00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:17,197
Like mine?
72
00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:18,799
Actually, more like Pitman's.
73
00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:20,701
What?
74
00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:22,803
But what about me?
75
00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:26,907
Dr. Solomon, looks
are very subjective.
76
00:03:27,007 --> 00:03:29,277
Is that your subtle way of
telling me that you think I'm
77
00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:31,712
hot.
78
00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:33,747
No.
79
00:03:33,847 --> 00:03:35,449
Oh, yeah, well you're
not so pretty yourself.
80
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,285
[laughing]
81
00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:42,823
Kids say the darndest things.
82
00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:45,759
Why do people like this show?
83
00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:47,595
Because it's so cute.
84
00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:48,996
Cute?
85
00:03:49,096 --> 00:03:52,500
They're just saying dopey things
because they don't know better.
86
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,402
That's true.
87
00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:55,569
I'm gonna go make a tinkle.
88
00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:57,004
[laughing]
89
00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:00,408
Hey, Dick.
90
00:04:00,508 --> 00:04:01,875
What's with the long face?
91
00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:03,311
Look, that's just
the way it's shaped.
92
00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:05,145
I can't help it, OK?
93
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,046
Whoa.
94
00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:07,247
What's yanking your ponytail?
95
00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:09,182
I just don't get it.
96
00:04:09,283 --> 00:04:11,852
Harrison Ford and I have all
the same parts-- two eyes,
97
00:04:11,952 --> 00:04:12,986
two ears, a nose, and a mouth.
98
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,088
How come they look so
much better on him?
99
00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:17,758
Well you know, you could
always do a little snip,
100
00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:18,959
snip job.
101
00:04:19,059 --> 00:04:20,928
If you're suggesting
that I kidnap someone,
102
00:04:21,028 --> 00:04:24,765
cut off his face, and glue
it onto my own-- don't.
103
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:27,234
Because that never looks
as good as it should.
104
00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:28,702
I was talking about
plastic surgery.
105
00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:29,903
Huh?
106
00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:33,407
Yeah, you know, 10 years
ago I had my boobs done.
107
00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:34,775
You did?
108
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:35,676
Reduced three sizes.
109
00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:41,649
Plastic surgery.
110
00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:43,351
Of course.
111
00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:45,686
Why should I have to walk
around looking like a drab lump
112
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:48,589
of clay, when I can pay
someone to chisel me
113
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:52,025
into a perfect human sculpture.
114
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:56,029
You're not going to get
your boobs done are you?
115
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:59,433
I just might.
116
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,168
This is so unfair.
117
00:05:01,268 --> 00:05:04,237
If everyone could just
pay to be good looking,
118
00:05:04,338 --> 00:05:06,340
totally cheapens
things for those of us
119
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:09,309
who are naturally exquisite.
120
00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:10,344
Natural?
121
00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:11,612
There's nothing
natural about you,
122
00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:14,648
you picked your body
out of a catalog.
123
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:16,216
Mine came with
a free tote bag.
124
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,085
[laughing]
125
00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:24,792
Hey, look, little hand's
picking Dick's nose.
126
00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:25,693
Hey, now come on.
127
00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:26,627
Now cut it out.
128
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:31,331
[catcalling]
129
00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:33,701
I'm sorry I had to step out.
130
00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:36,303
I was in the middle
of a tattoo removal.
131
00:05:36,404 --> 00:05:39,239
Apparently, this gentleman
has stopped loving his mom.
132
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:40,374
OK.
133
00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:44,845
Now, let's see what we
can do with your face.
134
00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:46,747
Can I see how I'd
look with a bigger chin?
135
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:47,648
Of course.
136
00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:54,187
But with a bigger chin, I'd
need a bigger nose, right?
137
00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:55,989
Well-- OK.
138
00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:01,028
Why stop there?
139
00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:02,095
Make my ears bigger.
140
00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:06,534
No.
141
00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:07,435
Bigger.
142
00:06:07,535 --> 00:06:08,368
Even bigger.
143
00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:09,437
More like an elephant.
Bigger!
144
00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:10,738
Bigger!
- Dick!
145
00:06:10,838 --> 00:06:11,605
Dick!
Dick!
146
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:12,840
Dick!
Dick, shh, calm down.
147
00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:13,774
Sit down.
148
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:14,908
Sorry, doctor.
149
00:06:15,008 --> 00:06:16,577
He's just a little over
excited about the idea
150
00:06:16,677 --> 00:06:17,511
of looking better.
151
00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:18,546
Ha!
152
00:06:18,646 --> 00:06:21,381
Well, he should be,
and so should you.
153
00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:23,283
I'm not getting anything done.
154
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:25,285
You're not?
155
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:28,456
Well, I'm sorry, I
thought you were.
156
00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:32,092
That's ridiculous.
157
00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:33,627
Have you seen me?
158
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,629
I don't need anything done.
159
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,931
I could make you look a
little less tired, that's all.
160
00:06:41,201 --> 00:06:42,002
Less tired?
161
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,003
Wouldn't take much.
162
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:44,404
I look tired?
163
00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:45,606
Hey doc?
164
00:06:45,706 --> 00:06:48,375
What can you do for me?
165
00:06:48,476 --> 00:06:49,309
Oh my god.
166
00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:55,082
The symmetry of those
cheekbones, that chin,
167
00:06:55,182 --> 00:06:56,083
that aquiline nose.
168
00:06:56,183 --> 00:06:56,984
Stop.
169
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,085
It tickles.
170
00:06:58,185 --> 00:07:00,721
Surgically speaking,
this man is perfect.
171
00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:02,089
What?
172
00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:05,959
But look at him-- his eyes
don't even open all the way.
173
00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:07,561
You know something?
174
00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:11,832
You and I, we could be brothers.
175
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,701
[music playing]
176
00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:16,837
Would you look at this?
177
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,706
I think I found the
perfect earlobe.
178
00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:20,974
Is that a beaut?
179
00:07:21,074 --> 00:07:22,175
Is that a David Duchovny?
180
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:24,377
No, it's a Regis Philbin.
181
00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:26,680
Really?
182
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:29,149
Nice lobes, Reg.
183
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:32,119
I don't know about this
plastic surgery stuff, Dick.
184
00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:35,088
I heard about a woman
who had a face lift once.
185
00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:39,059
They pulled her skin so tight
that she couldn't blink.
186
00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:43,731
One morning, her eyes dried up
and fell into her Raisin Bran.
187
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:51,972
She gobbled them right
down with the flakes.
188
00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:54,041
So she could
like, watch herself
189
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:57,210
eating her own eyeballs?
190
00:07:57,310 --> 00:08:00,280
What a horrible true story.
191
00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:01,181
Hey, guys.
192
00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:02,115
Hey.
193
00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:03,250
What's going on?
194
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:04,652
Oh, we're looking for
perfect facial features,
195
00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:06,720
so Dick can show the doctor
what he wants to look like.
196
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,889
It just so happens
that all the magazines
197
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:11,458
that came out this month
have beautiful people
198
00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:12,793
on their covers.
199
00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:14,027
Talk about a coincidence.
200
00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:16,363
[music playing]
201
00:08:22,135 --> 00:08:23,804
Hello, gentlemen.
202
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:25,773
Oh, he's here again.
203
00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:35,282
Hello, there.
204
00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:41,789
I never noticed how
handsome your uncle is.
205
00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:42,790
Yeah, we know.
206
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:47,327
Hey.
207
00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:48,596
Oh, good morning, Sally.
208
00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:49,496
Morning.
209
00:08:49,597 --> 00:08:51,231
How'd you sleep?
210
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:52,132
Why?
211
00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:54,602
Do I look tired?
212
00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:55,669
No.
213
00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:57,771
Then why are you
asking me how I slept?
214
00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:00,307
Because it's morning.
215
00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:01,942
Because I look exhausted.
216
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,311
Because you just woke up.
217
00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:06,647
Maybe you should go.
218
00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:07,915
But, Sally, I--
219
00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:08,816
Please go.
220
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:17,557
Sally, I'm sorry about
that whole sleep thing.
221
00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:20,327
I was out of line.
222
00:09:20,427 --> 00:09:22,830
[music playing]
223
00:09:30,871 --> 00:09:33,106
Nina?
224
00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:37,177
I just want you to know
that after my surgery,
225
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:40,614
I'm going to be
devastatingly handsome.
226
00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:42,049
It's going to be very
difficult for you
227
00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:44,051
to keep your hands off me.
228
00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:45,552
Oh, really?
229
00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:47,955
Yeah, but no matter
how gorgeous I look,
230
00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:51,424
it will still be me
underneath, and I'm
231
00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:54,561
still not attracted to you.
232
00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:56,830
And I just want you
to know that if you
233
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,499
never came out of anesthesia,
that that would be OK with me.
234
00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:02,502
Thank you.
235
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,838
That is so sweet.
236
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:07,407
You're actually
getting plastic surgery?
237
00:10:07,507 --> 00:10:08,742
Yes, Mary.
238
00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:11,444
Yeah, I've been thinking
about this long and hard.
239
00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:15,182
Well, not long, but hard.
240
00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:17,084
Not even hard.
241
00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:18,518
But, why?
242
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:19,653
Two words, Mary--
243
00:10:19,753 --> 00:10:20,553
you.
244
00:10:25,826 --> 00:10:26,626
Me?
245
00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:28,628
Oh, come on, don't play dumb.
246
00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:29,763
You're the one who
said you wished
247
00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:31,064
I looked like Harrison Ford.
248
00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:32,365
I never said that.
249
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:33,734
Oh, please.
250
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,903
If Harrison Ford and I were
both standing in this room right
251
00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:38,806
now professing our undying love
to you, who would you choose?
252
00:10:38,906 --> 00:10:40,741
- Oh, don't be silly.
- Who?
253
00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:42,542
Is he divorced?
254
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,411
You see!
255
00:10:44,511 --> 00:10:49,449
Oh, Dick, this is the
face I fell in love with.
256
00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:51,952
This is the face I'm
still in love with.
257
00:10:55,455 --> 00:10:56,724
Do you mean it?
258
00:10:56,824 --> 00:10:58,591
I do.
259
00:10:58,692 --> 00:10:59,860
Yeah, nice try, Albright.
260
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,029
[laughing]
261
00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:11,238
All right, Dick, you ready?
262
00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:16,509
Good.
263
00:11:16,609 --> 00:11:18,478
Here we go.
264
00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:20,948
[music playing]
265
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:32,225
[gasps]
266
00:11:36,730 --> 00:11:37,664
Good work, Tommy.
267
00:11:37,765 --> 00:11:39,166
That's exactly how
I want you to remove
268
00:11:39,266 --> 00:11:40,100
the gauze after my surgery.
269
00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:45,172
Wait a minute.
270
00:11:45,272 --> 00:11:46,807
You're really going
to stop with the face?
271
00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:47,875
What do you mean?
272
00:11:47,975 --> 00:11:48,909
- Take off the robe.
- What?
273
00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:49,810
Take it off!
274
00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:55,883
What is that?
275
00:11:55,983 --> 00:11:57,317
What?
276
00:11:57,417 --> 00:12:02,189
Well, first of all, this whole
area needs to be sucked out.
277
00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:03,556
You think?
278
00:12:03,656 --> 00:12:04,657
Who's the handsomest guy here?
279
00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:05,558
You.
280
00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:06,860
All right.
281
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:10,430
And, uh, let's not forget
about the pectoral implants.
282
00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:11,698
Yeah.
283
00:12:11,799 --> 00:12:15,635
Now, should we go in, uh,
maybe through the armpits,
284
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:16,536
or the nipples?
285
00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:20,507
I'd remove the nipples.
286
00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:22,375
What?
287
00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:23,877
Remove them completely?
- In a second.
288
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:24,945
Yeah.
289
00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:29,349
But then, I'd sew
them back on, up here.
290
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:34,788
- That's not a little high?
- No.
291
00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:36,056
No.
292
00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:37,624
They'll extend the torso,
and make the whole package
293
00:12:37,724 --> 00:12:38,826
appear leaner.
294
00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:39,860
I see.
295
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,028
Well, if you're
going to do that,
296
00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:43,563
might as well put them up here.
297
00:12:43,663 --> 00:12:44,898
- On the shoulders?
- Why not?
298
00:12:44,998 --> 00:12:45,799
I like it.
299
00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:46,900
That's good.
300
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,235
And let's remove a
couple ribs, shall we?
301
00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:49,702
I hate my ribs.
302
00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:52,539
Oh, and, uh--
right about here.
303
00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:56,643
What's that for?
304
00:12:56,743 --> 00:12:57,544
That's for later.
305
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:05,318
Unbelievable.
306
00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:06,887
Look at all these magazines.
307
00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:10,023
Everything revolves around
the beautiful people.
308
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:11,224
They have it all.
309
00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:13,426
I mean, how are the rest
of us supposed to compete?
310
00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:15,528
Well you got a big hunk
of celery in your teeth,
311
00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:17,030
and that won't help.
312
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,431
Thanks.
313
00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:21,969
Look at this-- every beautiful
woman is with a beautiful guy.
314
00:13:22,069 --> 00:13:24,204
Yeah, we do tend to
gravitate to our own kind.
315
00:13:27,007 --> 00:13:29,843
Man, how did a gorgeous
guy, like Don, end up
316
00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:33,446
with a double bagger, like me?
317
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:34,547
It's a brainteaser.
318
00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:39,019
It's wrong.
319
00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:40,954
It is wrong, Harry.
320
00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:44,925
I mean, this-- this is the
life Don should be living.
321
00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:48,195
He should be the dude with
the hot babe on his shoulders.
322
00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:50,898
And he should be on the jet
ski with a menthol cigarette
323
00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:52,532
in his mouth.
324
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:57,837
But he's not, because
I'm dragging him down.
325
00:13:57,938 --> 00:14:00,607
I'm dragging my
beautiful Donny down.
326
00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:05,045
You know, I didn't want to say
anything, but you totally are.
327
00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:06,947
Thanks, Harry.
328
00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:08,415
Now I know what to do.
329
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:09,316
All right.
330
00:14:09,416 --> 00:14:11,751
We'll see you later.
331
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:12,652
Well, Hello.
332
00:14:12,752 --> 00:14:14,854
[laughing]
333
00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:26,833
Dick, we'll be ready
for you in a few minutes.
334
00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:27,734
Are you nervous?
335
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:29,669
Well, a little.
336
00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:30,803
Don't be.
337
00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:33,040
Plastic surgery is going
to improve your life.
338
00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:33,941
It did mine.
339
00:14:34,041 --> 00:14:35,208
You had plastic surgery?
340
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:38,912
Oh, no, but it
did buy me a yacht.
341
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:49,022
Well old face, this is the
last time I'll be seeing you.
342
00:14:49,122 --> 00:14:53,994
I'd say goodbye, but good
riddance is more like it.
343
00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:56,396
Look at his
forehead, all mottled
344
00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:59,132
and wrinkled from years
of tortured thoughts,
345
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:03,470
and gentle ruminations.
346
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,838
I'm certainly not
going to miss that.
347
00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:09,943
Or this chin, for that matter,
all scratched and scarred
348
00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:12,980
from shaving in a rush so often,
trying to get to work on time,
349
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:18,485
or to Mary's house to
pick her up for a date.
350
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,353
I remember this one.
351
00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:23,823
I was rushing off to
take her on a picnic.
352
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:27,427
It started to rain, so
we had to eat wet tuna
353
00:15:27,527 --> 00:15:31,064
sandwiches in an outhouse.
354
00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:33,967
That was so nice.
355
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:36,069
So good bye old chin.
356
00:15:36,169 --> 00:15:38,338
You'll be facing the laser soon.
357
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:42,075
And goodbye to you, old nose.
358
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:43,343
And take care, old ears.
359
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:46,446
And you too, old lips.
360
00:15:49,249 --> 00:15:50,984
Take care of yourselves, eyes.
361
00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:57,657
Oh, my god.
362
00:15:57,757 --> 00:16:00,493
What am I doing?
363
00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:02,662
All right, Dick,
we're ready for you now.
364
00:16:02,762 --> 00:16:04,064
Well, we're not ready for you.
365
00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:04,998
What?
366
00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:06,599
I'm not going to
change his face.
367
00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:10,103
This face is a scrapbook
dedicated to who I am.
368
00:16:10,203 --> 00:16:11,138
Dammit!
369
00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:13,473
And by god, I am gorgeous!
370
00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:18,378
No, you're not.
371
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:21,314
Screw you!
372
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,283
[music playing]
373
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:31,124
Don.
374
00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:35,728
Hey, Sally.
375
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:39,399
Can I talk to
you for a second?
376
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:42,502
Sure, what's going on?
377
00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:43,836
I think you know.
378
00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:45,372
I think you've known
for a long time.
379
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:50,843
I really don't.
380
00:16:50,943 --> 00:16:53,180
Come on, Don, stop pretending.
381
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:56,183
I mean, you and I both know
that a relationship cannot last
382
00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:58,785
when one of the
people looks like me,
383
00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:01,121
and the other looks like you.
384
00:17:01,221 --> 00:17:02,522
Dammit!
385
00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:06,493
I knew one day, you'd wake up
and realize what was going on.
386
00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:07,694
Don't kick yourself, Donny.
387
00:17:07,794 --> 00:17:09,129
We gave it our best shot.
388
00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:10,897
I thought we were
beyond looks, Sally.
389
00:17:10,997 --> 00:17:12,732
Come on, Don.
390
00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:13,700
Look at you.
391
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:14,867
How could we get beyond that?
392
00:17:19,939 --> 00:17:22,209
Yeah, I guess so.
393
00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:24,511
Don't get me wrong.
394
00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:27,947
I appreciate your kindness.
395
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:31,118
Not many men would hang in
there with a gal as unattractive
396
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:33,019
as me.
397
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,855
What?
398
00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:37,757
Don't make me spell
it out for you, Don.
399
00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:39,159
I know I'm as ugly as they come.
400
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:40,993
I don't even know how you
could stand to look at me.
401
00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:55,875
Well, Sally, I'm not
going to lie to you--
402
00:17:55,975 --> 00:17:57,977
it's been hard.
403
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,613
It's been a real struggle.
404
00:18:00,713 --> 00:18:03,550
And granted we'll continue
to get stares out in public,
405
00:18:03,650 --> 00:18:09,689
but that's a price I'm willing
to pay, because I love you.
406
00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:10,590
Oh.
407
00:18:15,162 --> 00:18:17,530
Oh, Donny!
408
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:18,531
Thank you.
409
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,975
Well Mary, what do you think?
410
00:18:29,075 --> 00:18:30,243
You didn't get anything done.
411
00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:31,811
No.
412
00:18:31,911 --> 00:18:33,413
Look Mary, I know
how much you wanted
413
00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:34,747
me to have that surgery--
414
00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:35,715
I didn't want you--
415
00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:37,150
No, no, no.
416
00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:41,988
But when I got in there, I
realized this face, is my face.
417
00:18:42,088 --> 00:18:46,159
It's like a museum of my life,
especially my life with you.
418
00:18:46,259 --> 00:18:50,697
So if you've grown tired of
this dusty, drafty, old museum,
419
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:53,933
maybe you should just
go to the Guggenheim.
420
00:18:54,033 --> 00:18:58,171
Dick, I know what
you're going through.
421
00:18:58,271 --> 00:19:00,006
I've been there myself.
422
00:19:00,106 --> 00:19:01,308
You have?
423
00:19:01,408 --> 00:19:05,378
Yes, as a matter of
fact, a few years ago
424
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:09,882
I was thinking about having
some work done on my nose.
425
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,218
Your nose?
426
00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:13,620
Yes, I thought if it was
just a little longer, maybe--
427
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:16,022
But I love your nose.
428
00:19:16,122 --> 00:19:17,089
You do?
429
00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:19,759
The way it scrunches
up when you smile.
430
00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:21,628
It really does?
431
00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:23,029
And those ears--
432
00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:29,602
I love it when you
let me nibble on them.
433
00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:32,171
I kinda like that too.
434
00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:37,377
And those eyes are two clear,
blue windows into the deepest
435
00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:40,179
soul I've ever known.
436
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:43,149
Oh, Dick.
437
00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:46,152
Oh, Mary.
438
00:19:46,253 --> 00:19:48,588
Sorry about the lights, my
coffee maker blew a circuit.
439
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:49,689
I'm going to check the breaker.
440
00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:51,624
[laughing]
441
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:59,266
My god, you're beautiful.
442
00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:00,433
So are you.
443
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,201
Yeah, I know.
444
00:20:02,302 --> 00:20:04,671
[music playing]
445
00:20:09,676 --> 00:20:12,679
You know, they say that beauty
is in the eye of the beholder,
446
00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:17,384
when in reality, it's in
the eye of the beholdee.
447
00:20:17,484 --> 00:20:18,451
Well, what are you saying?
448
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,387
If I think I'm
attractive, I actually am?
449
00:20:20,487 --> 00:20:21,288
No, Tommy.
450
00:20:21,388 --> 00:20:22,255
Not you, me.
451
00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:26,726
Not you.
452
00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:29,128
You know what I realized?
453
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:31,298
It's not important
what you look like.
454
00:20:31,398 --> 00:20:34,901
What's important is who
you are on the inside.
455
00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:36,403
[laughing]
456
00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:39,339
That's hilarious.
457
00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:40,840
- Where'd you hear that one?
- Leno?
458
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:44,243
No, no.
I made it up myself, I swear.
459
00:20:44,344 --> 00:20:45,312
You should write for Leno.
460
00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:46,212
I know.
461
00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:53,820
Well, I for one am
tired of being handsome.
462
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:55,688
You know all people
see when they look
463
00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:57,490
at me is a pretty face,
and then they end up
464
00:20:57,590 --> 00:21:00,226
treating me like I'm an idiot.
465
00:21:00,327 --> 00:21:02,161
You are an idiot.
466
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:03,730
See, that's what
I'm talking about.
467
00:21:03,830 --> 00:21:05,097
Forget it.
468
00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:06,699
I'm not going to be
handsome anymore.
469
00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:08,935
You can't just stop
being handsome, Harry.
470
00:21:09,035 --> 00:21:09,836
Oh no?
471
00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:11,338
[laughing]
472
00:21:26,419 --> 00:21:29,389
[music playing]
31272
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