Original subtitles

PUDDLE: Even though they called it The Wilde Estate.

It was pretty peaceful on our first full day there.

Come on, keep them quiet.

(HORSE WHINNIES)

Shh! Not so much rattling.

And Steve wanted us to love it.

(WHISTLING) Emmy.

Wake Up!

Hey, bring the coffee.

But my mom and I were already up.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

We had been in town, where she was enrolling me in my new school.

Cool.

When they open the door, I want them to see the ham.

Steve. Oh, Emmy.

You're up. Hi. Hey, guys, Emmy's up.

No need to be quiet anymore.

What is all of this?

Well, I just wanted to welcome you

to your beautiful, new, serene... LUNT: Oh, God!

Ham!

Lunt! My bad!

Steve, this is all very sweet.

But you know that there are only two of us, right,

and one of us is 12?

Which is why we have the 12-and-under waffle trolley,

for which you just barely qualify.

There's a waffle trolley?

There's a waffle trolley.

Look, the child is starving.

Yes, she is. We walked five miles

because I couldn't find my car.

That's because it's gone, and in its place,

a new car.

My car is gone?

Don't worry. I recycled.

And the metal cube it was crushed into is now a coffee table.

Where is that new car?

Man, is that quiet. Migo, where's the car?

This is it, boss. It's a Volt.

I thought she'd like it because it's electric!

And plus, it's very sporty, no?

I said to get a real car,

not some giant electric toy car.

I'm sorry, we'll get you a real one.

Puddle, you can have this thing.

Yay!

No, Steve, she can't have a car. She's 12.

Boo. Don't complain.

It got you into the waffle trolley.

And, Steve, you can't go around

giving me huge gifts like...

So, really, you just plug it in?

I mean, is that how that works?

You can plug it into a household...

This is a three-hour charge.

It's the wave of the future.

No, no, no. Steve, wait.

I appreciate everything you're doing here.

It is... It's thoughtful. It's generous.

Well, it was until Mr. Fat Fingers

couldn't hold on to a ham long enough to get it up into a tree.

Steve, it's an eight-pound ham!

You'll throw out your back!

Oh, God.

Ham!

Oh, great, it's my one nice shirt.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, yeah. It's your one nice...

Really nice shirt.

Oh, it's not my only shirt.

The rest of my clothes are in the backseat of my...

Oh!

You need new clothes?

STEVE: Well, now that we've had a delicious breakfast,

and it's time to get dressed for the day,

I thought that we should review some new options.

Now, remember, these are sized for the models.

So we'll obviously alter them for your particular needs.

I know it's kind of lame,

but we couldn't get any actual models to get up this early.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Steve, again, I'm going to assume this was very well-intentioned,

but this is exactly the kind of thing

I don't want my daughter exposed to.

Fashion and pop culture and women being objectified.

Oh, well, after Dolores,

the next few aren't technically women.

Don't worry. The outfits will work on you.

Of course, you'd look good in anything.

Heck, you'd look good in nothing.

Steve, the fact that you think I'd want a fashion show

points out how very little you know about...

Now that is cute.

Yeah, picture it without the kitchen gloves.

No, that's what makes it fun.

Right?

No, what am I doing?

(MUSIC STOPS) What is this doing to Puddle?

You know what? She's a great kid,

and she's not used to all of this opulence.

She is very happy with very little.

PUDDLE: I had to do something, or I'd seen my last waffle.

He doesn't know any better, Mom.

I don't.

He wants to change... I do.

But just doesn't know how. I don't.

I'm not worried about Steve, okay? I'm worried about you.

Me? Her?

Me? I'm fine. I don't care about this stuff.

Steve could give those clothes

to the homeless or something, right?

Sure. Look, Emmy, I'm not saying that my life works.

It doesn't, but I want it to.

I think that there's a real opportunity here for both of us.

And I want to use it.

I don't want to end up some shallow cad who just uses lame lines

on women like... You didn't think it was sexy

when I said that you'd look good in nothing?

Oh, that was supposed to be sexy.

Okay, you're right.

I mean, I moved in here because you asked me

to help you become a better person,

to lead a more responsible life.

And if you're serious...

I am.

Then I guess now is as good time as any to start.

You know what we could do?

We could take all of that breakfast food,

we could go down to the shelter, and we could feed everybody.

Yeah. I don't care about fancy waffles.

Or 10 different kinds of syrups.

There were syrups?

You didn't try the... Migo!

Yeah, boss.

Can you get that waffle trolley back in here, please?

On it.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

PUDDLE: Steve set to work to show my mother

he could be the man she wanted him to be.

You're disappointed.

Oh, please.

I can wear Escada anytime.

I'm more worried about you.

Every time you try to have any kind of fun,

that woman is just going to tinkle all over...

Hey, hey, hey.

Well, she's as plain as Maine, and you were only trying to help.

Hey, he's overreacting, right?

I mean, change can be good.

Maybe I do need to change.

Oh, you definitely need to change.

Your life has very little purpose.

I just don't think you're going to succeed.

Hey, my life has a purpose. It's winning over Emmy.

I mean, let's face it, I've spent a lot of time as a Playboy partyer.

I don't remember one truly happy moment.

PUDDLE: That doesn't mean he didn't have them.

(ALL CHEERING)

WOMAN: He's got a sword!

(BOTTLE BREAKS)

(ALL CHEERING)

STEVE: You know, I'm actually looking forward to living with less.

So I should cancel the big, giant party this weekend?

Well, no, obviously we can't do that,

not with Fa'ad living next door.

PUDDLE: Steve and Fa'ad had always competed

over who threw the best parties.

It started when Fa'ad wanted to throw a party

but had nothing to celebrate.

So Steve threw an even more pointless one

about the onset of daylight standard time.

Fa'ad countered with a daylight-savings party.

And finally, Steve threw a party

that celebrated having nothing to celebrate.

No, the unnecessoiree has become the most

meaningful meaningless party of the year.

Of course. It's the deepest shallow thing you do.

But it's just going to prove to Emmy that you can't change.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I can't cancel it, especially since Fa'ad

has started throwing his party on the same night.

PUDDLE: Yeah, Fa'ad figured,

"What could be more unnecessary than another unnecessoiree

"on the same night?" (FA'AD EXCLAIMING)

So if Fa'ad finds out that I'm canceling my party,

he will swoop in on my guest list like...

FA'AD: Like one of my falcons?

(EXCLAIMING)

Does anybody have a dead mouse on them, by any chance?

No matter.

So sorry to overhear that your party won't be happening, Steve.

But, uh, I have to admit, I assumed as much.

What, with that family of environmentalists

living in your tree house like so many falcons.

(EXCLAIMS)

(SIGHING) Ever since they found that ham, they've been untrainable.

In any event, I want you to know

that you're welcome to be a guest at my, I suppose,

now slightly more necessary unnecessoiree.

Yes, well, I have a very large property.

Emmy never needs to know.

And I'm sure the woman goes to sleep at the crack of 10:00,

which means that she'll be long gone

by the time my first guest arrives.

No, no. My party will be a huge, happy success.

Yes. Unless one of us was unlucky enough to say something stupid.

Yes, but something stupid

is the last thing either of us would say.

And you'll never tell Emmy.

Yes. Of course.

The last thing you said was, "You'll never tell Emmy."

So here's hoping that's not the stupid last thing.

Don't, okay?

Don't tell Emmy about my party.

May God tear my eyes out if I do.

Wait, don't you mean Allah?

Whatever. Aha! (SCREAMING)

PUDDLE: In the jungle,

we would've called this ata oka, or bad omen,

but Steve just went back to thinking

about where to put the party tent.

Steve set to work on what he was hoping would be a secret party.

What are these tents for?

Well, I guess I can tell you.

I'm kind of throwing a big party.

Steve, you said you'd be less extravagant.

Go buy these giant tents?

Oh, no. I didn't buy them.

They come free with Whitney Houston.

By the way, I'm gonna need your help lying to your mom.

You know how I'm not really very good at lying to your mom.

It's gonna get pretty intense.

EMMY: What's gonna be intense?

Whitney Houston and the VIP Room.

Man, do you get up early.

You're having a party, and, what, you were going to try to keep it from me?

Steve.

I just know how much you don't like "fun."

I like fun.

No, I'm just talking about how you're "not fun."

I am fun.

Stop doing the quotes. God, I'm fun.

I hate it when people say I'm not fun, because I am fun.

Remember those parties I used to throw

in the tree house in high school? That was fun.

Those were parties?

We just have a different definition.

You know what? Listen, I was a kid.

You can't expect a kid to have fun.

PUDDLE: This is the woman who's raising me.

Anyway, I was a little 15-year-old nerd.

I am not the same person today.

And I'm not the same super-cool, rocking-it-out, party...

Oh, I guess I still kind of am.

Look, you're gonna hate this party, okay?

There's just way too much excess and waste.

I'll just cancel it. Don't cancel it.

Just do it without all the excess and waste.

Well, those two things, they're kind of

like the backbone of the unnecessoiree.

You can help him, right, Mom?

PUDDLE: That was my first mistake.

If he wants me to, sure.

Of course he does, right, Steve?

This was my second mistake.

Sure. Yeah. I just want the people wasted, not the food.

You can have a very fun party without everyone getting wasted.

(LAUGHS) That's like your joke about your one nice shirt.

That turned out not to be a joke.

Here's what we do. We take what you already have.

We just scale it down.

Great. Yes. I love that. We scale it down.

So this is what we have so far.

Obviously we can just add anything to it as we go.

Just keep looking.

Steve, add anything to it?

I mean, this is a bowl of Cristal.

Isn't that kind of pricey?

It is, which is why I didn't want to fill

the actual pool with it three days before the party.

That would be wasteful.

See, your mom's having a positive effect on me already.

This is supposed to be the actual pool?

No, no, I scaled it down, like you asked me to.

Can I play with one of your dolls?

Oh, no, no, no. Those aren't gonna be dolls.

Believe me, after the party,

you're not gonna want to go anywhere near her.

Here's what I'm thinking, a lot of this already

feels too big. Small.

It's big. It's small.

And it's big. It's very small.

It's big. Small.

Small? Big.

Impersonal. It is big.

I'll tell you what we do.

We do the shopping ourselves.

Okay, great. We find a discount store.

If they even have them.

We buy in bulk. We get everybody's favorite stuff.

Let's do this. Okay. Let's do it.

My God, discount stores?

Why don't we just slather everything and everyone in mayonnaise?

Do you think she'd go for that?

Yeah, that sounds great.

Now we're having a party!

PUDDLE: I'd never seen anything like the place we went to.

I think we were all a little overwhelmed.

Oh, my God.

This place is as big as a village. House.

This is so cool. Can I get one of these?

Yeah, I don't think you can get one of anything in this place.

Check it out. They got a five-gallon vat of mustard here

that costs as much as those little packets

Migo used to get me from that Yankee Stadium.

Yeah, I think the smaller it gets, the more expensive it is.

Like horses.

EMMY: Okay, Steve, look, focus. We're here for the party.

Now, I say we do Swizzlers,

because they're cheap, and everybody loves them.

So we've taken care of that.

Wait, no, no, that's it?

No, I think my friends are going to expect

a little bit more than that.

No, if people aren't going to be loosened up,

how can we have the couple that has the one big fight

and then makes a big scene at the end of the party?

I mean, that's...

Don't you think that...

We both think that's fun, right?

Yeah. But if I would've known that, I would've made some

of my famous Amazonian jungle hooch.

Don't have the right worms.

You know what? They have a whole wall of champagne.

And I'm sure it's fairly priced.

Well, that's a great call. Yes, let's get a wall full of champagne.

I was thinking, like, one or two bottles.

I was afraid that that's what you're thinking.

Okay, I'm a little worried that we're kind of going...

What's the word? "Under-board" with this thing.

I mean, we want people to have fun at the party, right?

Okay, I get it. You don't think I'm fun.

And you know what? I might not be fun.

So why don't you do the party the way you want it,

and I will get off your back?

No, no, no. I want you on my back.

Heck, I want you on your back.

No, what I'm saying is the Swizzlers are great.

Let's get some mustard. How about a pallet of chips?

(SIGHS)

Don't give me that look, Migo. He asked me to do this.

I know, but a man can only change so much.

And, yes, I overcharged him for a thing or two.

But I care about him.

I just don't want to see anybody get hurt, that's all.

STEVE: Are you (BLEEP) kidding me?

These chips are a dollar a bag!

God, you're going to ruin everything!

(SCREAMS)

Well, I'm a little worried for your party, my friend.

If this is the best that you can do,

I worry that the reputations...

Oh, I don't have the energy for this charade.

It's brilliant.

It'll make my party seem as worthless as one of your American college degrees.

I'm actually quite optimistic about my party.

I think that... Oh, I don't have

the energy for this charade.

My party's gonna be worse

than your dumpster full of stillborn foals.

Stillborn foal...

Oh, I don't have the energy for this charade.

Hey, does it seem like we're unusually tired today?

It has come up a lot.

Nevertheless, you've painted a forest red,

and you're bringing in a huge wild animal death chamber of some sort.

That's not a forest. It's just a plastic drum

filled with something so inexpensive,

it can't even call itself liquorice.

There's a step below liquorice? Apparently.

Well, why not build it into a forest?

It's not a forest. It's... It's not a scale model.

This is the sum total of the extravagance of my party.

But what of the giant cocaine-covered orgy dome?

That is something called the hostess snowball.

So the hostess goes in there and...

It's not a place.

None of this is a place.

It's just... It's just food.

Steve, Steve! Steve, you're ruining it!

You're ruining the world! It's food! No, it's just food!

No, not the orgy dome!

No, it's pennies! It doesn't matter!

Well, if it is pennies,

then what about the giant dirigible head of...

Oh, my, is that me?

That's a balloon from a child's movie, you fool.

You can get a trillion of them for a dime at this garbage store

that Emmy took me to.

Well, I wanted your party to fail,

but not so badly that nobody would come

to one of our parties ever again.

Steve, you have to cancel this party.

PUDDLE: What? No, you can't.

Steve, my mom finally thinks you can change.

Oh, I can change.

I can change everything on this table into so much...

I can change everything on this table into so much...

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

Why are we so tired? I don't know.

Perhaps it was your trip to the store.

Yes, and all your recent hawk attacks.

Steve, you can't give up on it now.

You were the guy that was able to get

people to celebrate having nothing to celebrate.

Why don't you try to convince people that it's fun...

To not have fun.

Yes.

What the child seems to be saying

is that even though the food at the party might be awful...

The irony will be so delicious

that the party will be a huge success.

Now I'm getting worried that I may be going overboard

with my giant walk-in snowball

and team of snowball hostesses.

You already stole that idea?

I texted my guy as soon as I saw it.

But now I'm thinking

perhaps I'll just serve a bowl of Raisinets.

(LAUGHS) No.

Don't, okay? I'm really starting to like my party theme.

Please don't steal it.

I won't.

PUDDLE: And so everything was set.

Steve was going to have the most necessary unnecessary party

that anyone's ever had fun not having fun at.

FA'AD: Oh, Steve...

I am going to serve Raisinets.

(LAUGHS) (BIRD SCREECHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hawk attack.

PUDDLE: On the night of the party,

Steve was finding out that convincing people not having fun

is not only ironic, but fun,

was ironically not fun.

What's with this party?

Steve usually has the best of everything.

Do you get it? Irony. Do you get it?

Serving the worst of the best.

Do you get it? Do you get it?

WOMAN: Oh. Oh!

So how's it going?

I think they're getting it.

I don't know. That's the thing about irony.

It can be so...

Subtle.

But she can't know.

Wow. Wow.

Great. Great.

Great party.

Really great. Great. Great.

The only thing your friends are not

getting into is the nonalcoholic beer.

That's 'cause so few of us are nonalcoholics.

Hey, you know what? Since we're having so much fun...

Mmm-hmm?

What do you say we crank it up a notch?

What do you mean?

I could still hire a band or Whitney Houston.

That won't be excessive. She'll never deliver.

Or we could get Jake Busey

to drive your Volt into the pool or something.

I think Jake lives upstairs.

I actually think we've had enough fun.

I think it's about time to put the icing on the cake.

Oh, good, so that's not the icing that we're using...

My slideshow. And that.

Yes. And don't you think it would be better to start

with the funny cake instead of the funny slideshow?

Funny? Oh, no, no. It's not funny.

It's about my life in the Amazon,

the hardships, the struggles of the people.

Let's put some meat on this bone.

Irony is I've been trying to do that

since the day you got here.

Hello, Steven.

How are you finding your party?

Because I can't.

I shouldn't joke. I did steal your party theme.

Oh, no, did you go for the discount, Swizzler,

garbage-party theme too?

Oh, God, no.

I finally had some sense pecked, scratched, and clawed into me

and realized that people just wouldn't get it.

So I went with my original, your original idea,

the orgy dome and whatnot.

Attention, everybody.

Um...

We all have so much.

But now I would like to show you a presentation

of some people who have so little.

Well, I must be going.

I can't keep my ecstatic guests waiting.

Oh, no, wait, Emmy will be devastated.

I'm asking you as a friend,

please just stay till the end of her presentation

and act like you're having a good time at my...

Interminaball? Fine.

I'll be stiffly watching from over there by that coat rack.

I have been living in Peru for the last six years,

very far from the comforts

and the pampered life of Neverwood.

For those of you who have a squeamish stomach, (SIGHS)

you may want to step out for the sequence entitled

"When Left Untreated."

Lights!

PUDDLE: And that's when things went really south.

EMMY: Seven Years In the Jungle

In Just Under Seven Hours by Emmy Kadubic.

Just look at the misery in this impoverished village.

Here's some more misery.

Here I've got a wider angle of the misery.

And just as the birds regurgitate the worms...

PUDDLE: Things went from bad to worse.

EMMY: To feed their young,

here we see the tribe members themselves

regurgitating the birds they've eaten to feed their families.

PUDDLE: Steve was trying to be a friend,

but he was the only one.

This is a nightmare.

I honestly think you're the only one

I can count on as a friend to stick around...

And you're a balloon!

And then came slide 279.

EMMY: So once the weights have been released,

Makunta now sports the pagantu of a man

and not the pacunta of a boy.

MAN: Oh, my God! What the hell is...

Unfortunately, this one did get infected.

No, no, no! Lights! Lights! What the hell are you doing?

Steve, we're at a party.

No, we're not. The party's over. There is no party.

Well, I hope you're not blaming me for that.

Of course I am.

You drove everybody out with slide 279.

It's not my fault if your friends didn't like your party.

Of course it's your fault.

I turned myself inside out trying to convince everybody

that this awful party was somehow ironic.

I don't even know what that means?

Neither do I, but it happened.

You asked me to do this.

You're the one who wanted to totally change me.

You wanted me in this fancy dress,

so what, I'd fit in with your rich friends

and your fine wines and your fancy breakfasts

and your stupid, big, giant...

Oh, you're not gonna be able to...

(DISHES SHATTERING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Wow, you are really not tired.

(LAUGHS) I get a lot of sleep.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Well, I guess we were the couple who lost it at the party.

I'm just happy that you're willing

to refer to us as a couple now.

I'm not.

I'm kidding. Come on.

I'm sorry.

I think I'm still intimidated to be here.

It doesn't matter how many years I've been away.

The second I get back here,

it's like I'm the housekeeper's daughter again.

It just brings out the worst in me.

I feel really bad that I ruined your wonderful party

for no good reason.

For no good reason.

You didn't ruin it.

Honestly, I've never even had fun at these things.

Maybe if I'd had you to...

Hang out with after?

Yeah.

I'm asking you to change, so maybe I need to be open

to changing a little bit as well.

Maybe I need to learn to have a little bit of fun.

I love this idea.

In many ways, I prefer it to me becoming less fun.

What do you say we head over to Fa'ad's and have a drink?

I would love that. That'd be a lot of fun.

After all, you sat through half a slideshow

about the real Emmy Kadubic.

I should go to a party that shows me the real Steven Wilde.

You're telling me there's another half

of the slideshow that's all about you?

Man, I want to learn more.

Hey, lights.