Original subtitles

PUDDLE: Steve had promised me

a fancy miniature car for Christmas

if I asked my mom for permission.

Mom?

But it seems like there was always

something more important going on.

Look at the devastation this Wilde Oil spill is creating.

PUDDLE: For instance, this week, it was that.

You know, it's only a matter of time

before I hear from... (BEEPS)

Andy.

Still think your pig friend is so wonderful?

It's Steve's father who's responsible for this.

Yeah? Well, then tell Baby Pig

to tell Daddy Pig

that it's time for him to do something about it

like appoint a certain environmentalist

to oversee the cleanup.

I mean, someone who's lived down here

and happens to look great on camera.

Who? Me? (SCOFFS)

No! Me.

I mean, you're a pretty woman,

but the camera isn't exactly your friend.

EMMY: It is horrible.

I know.

I mean, you can see right up his nose.

No, I meant,

where is Steve's father in all of this, you know?

Well, he did get the "I'm sorry" commercial

up there pretty quick.

Hello. I'm Steven O. Wilde, president of Wilde Oil.

As we all know, accidents can happen.

Oh.

But we also know that sometimes

nature has a way of solving these problems on her own.

(MEOWING)

Oh. Just like this kitty.

Wow.

You're doing a better job than I was.

Right, Slick?

"Wilde Oil: Partnering with nature

"to lick this thing together." (MEOWS)

EMMY: Be honest, Migo,

has Steve heard from him?

Because no one's seen this guy.

I mean, the press can't find him.

Well, he's very concerned about his security.

Always incognito to fool people.

Yeah, it's called "hiding," which is probably

what Steve is doing right now, because he knows

how upset I am about this.

MIGO: Oh, where's he gonna hide?

Is there a reason you're wedging yourself in a basket?

Well, my Folding Master doesn't like it

when you call it "wedging."

It's called "yoga-cramming."

You try to fit yourself

into as small a space as possible.

They say the Grand Master once

got into the glove compartment of a Buick LeSabre.

It's all about compacting your chi.

Getting a look inside yourself. (GRUNTS)

I'm not limber enough to do it yet,

but with the right pair of shorts,

I can just about glimpse my entrance.

This is what you're doing as oil is gushing

from the bottom of the ocean?

Yes, Father's livid about it.

They believe that a school of hammerhead sharks rammed the drilly thing.

You know, they have heads shaped like hammers.

That's what they're saying, all the scientists.

The point is that nature has a way

of working these things out.

And how is that exactly?

Well, like cats... When kitty...

Yes, it's like when a kitty cat

laps up some spilt milk.

Yes, that's exactly right.

That's what I was thinking with the kitty cat.

Yes, we've all seen the commercial.

Well, sometimes it feels like the only time

I see my father is in commercials.

FA'AD: The last time I saw my father,

he was holding George Bush's hand

in a political commercial.

How about we focus on the one or two ways

a massive oil spill in Peru is not about either of you two?

(SIGHS)

So yoga cram tomorrow, friend? Absolutely.

Whew! Whew!

I'm loving this yoga cram...

So you're not gonna do anything about the oil spill?

What am I gonna do about it?

Tell your father he has to appoint somebody

with real credentials to a cleanup committee down there.

I'm not saying me, but... You?

Me? Oh, that's interesting.

I mean, yeah, sure, it could be me,

but somebody.

Look, he'll just say no. So what?

At least you'll have stood up to your father for a change.

Uh, excuse me.

Let's not forget that I'm the one

who told him that you and I were gonna be a couple

whether he liked it or not.

When you were 15

and you were bought off with a speedboat.

Yeah, it was the "or not" that got me.

Emmy, I am trying my hardest to change here.

I did charity. I stopped drinking.

Honestly, how do you stand up

to somebody who's not there?

How do you stand up to an empty chair?

How do you stand up to a phantom?

How do you storm out of an empty room?

It's easy. You gather up those two little round things

that little girls do not have and you tell your father

exactly what you think of him and what he has been doing.

I'm not sure if this is thing that you were talking about

that little girls don't have,

but is it a luxury mini car?

PUDDLE: I realize now that this was a bad time to ask.

It uses real gas.

Also bad timing.

Steve said I could have one.

This is when you ask her?

You win.

I'll call my father and tell him that I want to talk to him.

Oh, better yet, Lunt,

I want you to call and tell him

I want to see him here at my house,

A-stat! On it.

I know what you're doing, okay?

You're gonna make it seem like Lunt

is gonna call him and I'm telling you,

if you don't demand that he send up

a cleanup committee down there, I will!

PUDDLE: And my mother found out

it was hard to storm out of an empty room.

Okay, you got to bind me tighter.

Oh, I shouldn't have had that huge lunch.

I'm sure Fa'ad is starving himself

and I got into that yoga box.

What do you think of this mini luxury car?

I'm sorry. You blew it. Your mom said no.

At least you have a parent who cares.

My father gave me everything I ever wanted,

except his respect.

Yeah, I never knew my father.

Yeah, mine's sadder.

Well, you're getting his respect today, Steve.

They're only a few minutes away.

Who's this?

Your dad. Your dad's coming.

Are you (BLEEP) kidding me?

Why?

You told me to contact him.

You said to tell him you want to see him

at your house, A-stat.

It's his house, you...

Cautionary tale for Philip Seymour Hoffman.

He's probably furious at that.

Maybe it's time for you to be furious at him.

Hide me.

Steve, don't! Please, come on!

PUDDLE: I was sitting there. I was sitting there.

Why did I have that huge lunch?

Steve, he'll look in there.

To the car.

Quickly, before he gets here. No, Steve!

If you stand up to him now,

Emmy will see that you've actually changed!

I haven't changed!

Then I guess you have no choice now.

If you want his respect,

you can't be a coward.

Is he mad?

Told him I needed to see him.

Are you kidding me?

I need to see you too, Son.

Help me.

PUDDLE: Steve's father had just arrived

and he was a mess.

Mr. Wilde, so good to see you.

You're just saying that.

You hate me.

Everyone hates me.

And the portrait of me that they are painting in the press...

Well, you can always change the portrait.

My life is in shambles.

I'm overextended.

And that idiotic well blows up

and you know...

You know they are gonna blame me for it.

Sure, they're gonna go after the big guy in the portrait.

And the environmentalists, well, they're just up my ass.

Didn't you marry one?

Who's that? No, Emmy? No, no, no.

No, I mean, I care about her a great deal.

I was just trying to cheat a trust fund actually.

Oh.

You know, maybe some good can come out

of the wreckage of my life.

Now that I'm here, we...

Can finally spend some time together.

Get our relationship back on track.

Dig it out, you know? Dig that sucker out.

How long you staying?

One night. Okay.

Why don't I get you some tea?

Would you? Okay.

He is really having a breakdown.

I'll get the PMS blend.

Can't believe this is the man

you're having a hard time standing up to.

Migo, what am I supposed to do?

He's the one who taught me

you never kick a man while he's down.

Or was it "always"?

It was "always."

It's now or never, Steve.

You have to do this for Emmy.

You're right.

Your tea.

This is tea?

Yeah, it's... Oh, did I not make that clear?

Thought you were getting me a drink.

Actually, I quit drinking, Dad.

(SNORTS) Thanks, yeah.

I'm really trying to clean up my life.

Yeah.

That's what I was talking about with Emmy.

She's kind of turned me into a happier person.

Happy. Oh, God, I miss happy and fun.

I don't remember the last time I had fun.

Well, no, the motorcycle ride was okay.

Uh, better that you're not like me.

You know, a guy who gets drunk

so he won't deal with his real problems.

Well, speaking of that, I think we have

a real problem, you and me.

Hey, why don't we go in the city and let's just get drunk?

Yeah, that's a great idea. Let's do that.

PUDDLE: Unfortunately, he forgot

about his yoga-cramming date.

Where's Steve? I'm sorry.

He's gone into town with his father.

But I won't know anybody in yoga-cramming class.

Aw, do you want some PMS tea?

I suppose that did sound rather pathetic.

Be my friend.

I'd feel awkward being your friend.

I know my place.

But who will help me out of my yoga singlet?

I'll go get into my stretchy pants.

PUDDLE: After the first full day Steve ever spent with his dad,

they bonded over Cocoa and Cinnamon Buns.

Cocoa, Cinnamon Buns, why don't you look around the house?

Let Steve have a moment with his father.

No, no, I will take them.

But, first, I have to take a bigger leak

than the Wilde Oil disaster.

(LAUGHS)

Come on, ladies.

He's leaving tomorrow.

Now sober up and talk to him.

I'm fake drunk, Migo.

Just doing it to show off for my dad.

Actually learned it from W.

Anyway, I also told my dad that I wanted to talk to him at the bar.

But now I'm thinking, since Dad's leaving,

I could just hide him from Emmy.

Look, she doesn't even need to know that he was actually here.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Honestly, these two are worse than Slick the Cat.

Doo-doo-doo-doo!

Hey! Shh! Shh! Emmy's sleeping. What is going on here?

Oh, I've just been palling around

with my new buddy, Mr. Lunch.

He took me to a night club

in the Greenwich Village where the mens dress as womens

and sing 1940s army tunes.

Oh, what a night!

I'll go get a broom.

(CHUCKLES)

He should be riding a broom.

Wait a second. You're not drunk?

No, I'm just pretending to be to hide my revulsion

at that crumpled diaper bag of a man.

You know, he can't even do yoga-cramming.

Well, he'll never be able to fit into a small basket.

Oh, he can get in all right.

We just couldn't get him out.

Ah! Stop helping me!

My keys are down there.

(GRUNTING)

All right, listen. My father is leaving tomorrow, so we can hang out then.

(SLURRING) Oh, no! I am not going anywhere!

This is... My house.

And where are my hookers? Hey, hookers!

Hookers!

(LAUGHING)

All right, listen.

Take him to the East Wing away from Emmy, all right?

Just talk to him now while he's practically unconscious.

FA'AD: I'll never abandon you, Steve.

Let's always do everything together.

Yeah, okay.

God, you really don't like Mr. Lunt, do you?

We never found those keys.

Choke yourself.

No, with my hand. Father?

(GASPS) Where am I?

It's okay. You're in the Dick Cheney suite of the Long Island house.

With the man-sized safe?

Yeah, of course.

Though a real man should be able to fit into a hotel room safe.

Look, I have some things that I need to say to you and they're sort of personal.

Oh, can we do it tomorrow?

No, it's actually better that you're drunk.

No, I was pretending to be drunk,

but only to avoid a personal conversation with you.

Of course.

Emmy was right.

It's just like you're doing down in Peru.

No.

She is just trying to protect those people

and clean it up in the same way that she protected me

and cleaned me up.

And you know what? I'm grateful for that, Dad.

I am. I'm in her debt.

So I'm sorry if I came on a little strong,

but you'll understand that I had to.

You know what we should do?

We should put her in charge of the cleanup in Peru.

Fly her down first-class...

No! No, you heartless monster!

I will not let you break Emmy and me up again

before we even have a chance to get going.

I won't let you interfere with my life again!

And I'm sorry, Cinnamon and Cocoa,

that I had to raise my voice!

PUDDLE: The next morning, Steve felt great.

I did it.

I told off my father.

You did? Well, that's fantastic.

How did you find him? Oh, he's here.

I told Lunt to get him out here and Lunt did it.

Wow, I thought you were bluffing.

You must have really let him have it.

Oh, yeah, I almost fired him.

I meant your dad.

Yeah, well, I mean, that's the point.

He wanted to try to separate us again.

No! Yeah.

He wanted to send you away.

Except this time it wasn't a speedboat he offered.

It was a first-class trip.

I said, "Not this time, you..."

Well, actually, I called him a heartless monster.

Wow, that's a little... Sexy?

Yeah. Really?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Steve Sr. is outside

loading the cars.

He wants to see you.

Is he mad?

Hey, don't lose that sexy, okay?

We're not afraid of this guy anymore.

Not you. You.

Me?

It's okay. It's all sexy on you.

Oh, thanks.

But... Just go.

PUDDLE: And so my mom talked to Steve's dad

and she found out that he wasn't getting rid of her.

Are you... Are you (BLEEP) kidding me?

PUDDLE: But of course my mom has her principles.

Yes!

(LAUGHING)

PUDDLE: I guess he's just a really hard guy to tell off.

Steve had just found out

that my mother had accepted a job from his father.

You what?

Well, you didn't tell me that your father

offered to put me in charge of a whole cleanup committee.

I mean, that's the exact kind of foundation

I said he needed to start.

It's what I wanted.

Yeah, well, I wanted a speedboat.

This is nothing like a speedboat.

This is about humanity.

I mean, he's even getting me

my own deepwater oil skimming boat,

which, yes, is sort of like a speedboat,

but, Steve, I think he's ready to change.

Yeah, well, you might want to get proof of that.

I'm going to, as is the world.

We're gonna go down there.

We're gonna clean up those beaches.

He's gonna put me on TV.

I'm gonna be the spokesperson.

I'm gonna be bigger than Spit the Cat! (SIGHS HAPPILY)

Great.

I've finally grown...

And you've become shallow.

(PIANO PLAYING UPBEAT DEMO SONG)

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS)

PUDDLE: Over the next few days,

my mom and Steve's dad started working

on getting the beaches cleaned up.

Well, they worked on a commercial about

getting the beaches cleaned up.

We did it!

PUDDLE: They made a comic strip.

There you go.

PUDDLE: Although they didn't want any real help.

Get out!

PUDDLE: They got to play with toys.

Beep.

PUDDLE: Although, as Steve pointed out,

getting toys from his dad wasn't supposed to be the point.

And then they finally brought in a crew,

but not a crew to clean up the beach in Peru.

It was a crew to make the beach in Long Island look like Peru.

And they got to use chocolate instead of oil.

And Steve soon went back to that old abandoned feeling.

Oh, hi, Steve.

It's crazy.

I finally stand up to my father

and everyone abandons me for the guy.

I mean, Emmy's with him all the time.

Lunt's down at the beach trying to get into her commercial.

Can't find Migo anywhere.

Oh, don't worry.

I got this for the both of us.

Oh, Fa'ad.

Of course you won't abandon me.

Although you can't expect us both to fit into that.

FA'AD: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's not a tandem.

I was referring to me and Migo.

We're going on a picnic.

Your father said we could come to the beach

to watch them film the commercial.

Come on, Steve.

Everything's covered in chocolate.

At least you understand what it's like to be ignored.

Because of my dad, your mom hasn't had time for either of us.

I know.

I was gonna tell off your dad, too.

Good for you.

But this morning, I found this next to my bed.

I think he got me a tiny Cadillac!

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

PUDDLE: But when the computer rang,

Steve found an unlikely ally.

Well, if it isn't the Earth Ruiner.

Oh, give me a break, Andy.

At least my dad's got Emmy working with him on the cleanup.

Cleanup? I'm down here all alone trying to help these people.

I mean, the oil has ruined everything down here.

Look at this bird. Look at it.

Ruined! Is that a stuffed bird?

Yeah, the real ones are too slippery to catch.

But it's not just stuffed animals that have been ruined.

It's the food supply. I mean, look.

Look at this sandwich. I dropped it on the beach. Ruined!

But my dad told Emmy

that he's got crews working down there.

Oh, yeah, well, tell that to this romance novelist

who decided to take a dip. Ruined!

Yeah, of course. He's just using Emmy.

Taking advantage of her good name.

I've got to get down to that beach.

You know, it's funny we're actually getting along...

PUDDLE: Unfortunately, Steve soon discovered

that all the vehicles were gone.

Well, almost all.

I need this. Um, Steve,

I don't think you'll be able to wedge yourself in here.

The word is "cram" And I'm an expert at it.

Get out.

(ENGINE STRAINING)

PUDDLE: But it was almost too late.

Did he walk you through it? Yeah, right through it, actually.

It's harder to get the chocolate off than the oil.

I still... I feel like we should be in Peru.

Oh, no, no, honey.

They're really working down there.

I mean, we can't stop them, what, for a photo shoot.

Now listen to me.

We've got to go out there and we got to show them

this is a grave and urgent tragedy, all right?

So big smile. It's fun.

Don't worry about the chocolate.

The world is full of candy.

Ready to shoot!

(HORN HONKING)

(HORNS HONKING)

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

(EMMY'S VOICE ECHOING) Everybody makes mistakes.

Hi, I'm Emmy Kadubic,

Chairwoman of the Wilde Oil Cleanup Foundation.

I know many of us have been affected by the spill.

And whether its cause was a school of sharks

or some other unforeseen natural cause,

everybody makes mistakes,

but now is not the time for finger-pointing.

(HONKING HORN) Stop! Stop all this!

Um, uh, keep going! STEVE: Stop it! Stop it!

Cut it! Cut the tape! Cut!

Keep going!

STEVE: Stop it! It's a lie!

This whole thing, it's all a lie!

What are you doing?

What are you doing, Dad?

You're pretending that you've changed.

You wanted to dig our relationship out.

Meanwhile, you're just painting over everything

with your chocolate- covered lies.

Steve, Steve...

STEVE: No, that's exactly what they are.

Yeah, hey,

and we just keep asking for more.

Can I lick the spoon please, Dad?

Mmm. It tastes so good.

(GAGS) Oh, God! (SPITS)

What the hell is this?

It's oil for the camera dollies.

Oh, you eat this?

We're losing the light. Steve, it's okay.

The real crews are down there cleaning.

We just didn't want to get in their way. They're down there working...

I'm sorry, Emmy. It's all a fraud.

There is no foundation. There's no cleanup happening.

How do you know? Andy.

I've said a lot of unkind things about him,

but at least he cared.

Is this true?

Just most of it.

Come on, let's go. Uh, excuse me.

Hey, I got a lot of money in this.

You don't just walk away.

You do not abandon somebody when they're in need.

You know what, Dad?

That's actually the one thing that you taught me

to do really well.

Come on, Emmy. I'm driving you home.

Very impressive.

Well, this is gonna be a little less so.

So this is...

Yeah, hop in.

Okay.

Man, I really told off my dad, huh?

PUDDLE: Later that night,

we had kind of a celebration dinner.

I haven't thanked you enough for stopping me

from being that monster's spokesperson.

Yeah, but that's coming though, right?

Oh, I get it. Do you want to wait for Puddle to go to bed?

Mind if I drive?

Oh, honey, I don't know if that's safe.

Oh, come on. It's a huge house.

Who's she gonna hit?

Yay!

(ENGINE REVVING)

You know what? That's the first time she's ever kissed me good night.

Lots of firsts today.

Like you standing up to your dad.

I guess I can thank you for making me a better man.

Maybe it's time you make me a worse woman.

I guess there's nothing left in our way.

No more obstacles.

(MINI CAR CRASHES)