All language subtitles for The.Conners.417

**

[ Sniffles ]

Oh, thank God.

Please tell me you picked up
my antihistamines.

I love you.

Damn it, Dan.

I'm sorry.

I was over at the funeral home
with my crew,

looking at what we
need for the demo and
rebuild for Darlene,

and I totally spaced.

Look, I-I asked you yesterday,
I reminded you today.

Even Beverly Rose knew
I wasn't feeling well.

She came over
with her toy stethoscope

and listened to my lungs
and just shook her head.

I don't think Beverly Rose
should making a diagnosis.

The Lanford Little Friends
is one of

the worst-ranked toddler
med schools in the country.

Hey, look, as soon as
the construction crew leaves,

I'll run out
and get your medicine.

No, never mind.

I'll go myself.

Something else will just come up
and you'll forget again.

But if I have a sneezing fit
and drive off a bridge,

I'm gonna come back
every hay fever season

and haunt your old ass.

[ Door closes ]

Okay,
daughter number two,

the construction crew's
on its way over

with a list of materials
you're gonna need.

Wow.
I have a construction crew.

It's starting
to feel real.

What are you
working on there?

Oh, I'm just going over
my finances.

Even with
the construction loan

and taking over
Blansky's mortgage,

my housing might
actually cost less

than the rent I'm paying
to my current slumlord.

I don't think it's fair
to call me that.

Real slumlords
make money.

I think you're
a great slumlord, Dad.

I told you I needed a window
in my bathroom,

and you put a painting of
a window in there the next day.

Now I can see the Aegean Sea
from my toilet.

Alright, just one
last calculation.

I want to see what
my property tax is gonna be.

[ Keyboard clacks ]

Holy crap.

It's gonna be like
$6,000 a year.

Taxes suck.

But ever since I put down
11 dependents,

my paycheck
is much bigger.

Well, and don't forget about
all your insurance, too.

You got your mortgage,
flood, fire, homeowner's.

Oh, man, I didn't
figure in any of those.

Dad, do you have
all that stuff?

I wish.

I gamed the system by
not having anything of value.

Okay, Becky, I held the line
on your rent control

for nearly five minutes,

but it's time
to double your rent.

If you're gonna
gouge me,

I might as well live
at the Ritz.

You wanna live in
a fancy hotel, honey?

No,
I'll miss Grandpa.

If we're at
a fancy hotel,

Mommy can find
a rich Grandpa to date

who will
buy you a pony.

Okay.

Ah, hey,
here they are, Darlene.

Here's your
construction crew.

Of what?

The pyramids?

These gentlemen
all gave me my start.

You remember everybody.

-Hey, guys.
-How you doing?

Always went above and beyond
for these guys,

and now they're gonna
return the favor.

Yeah, we're more than happy
to help Dan's daughter

get her dream home.

Mind if I sit down?

After a long day
of dialysis,

that walk from the door
kind of took it out of me.

You ought to try some of
my copper bracelets.

They really
boosted my energy.

I don't fall asleep
at traffic lights

and wake up
to find myself

rolling through
intersections anymore.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you guys head over
to Casita Bonita

and we'll go over
the materials list there?

Lunch is on me.

Sounds Mexican.
No thanks.

Last time I had chili,
it cost me two feet of my colon.

Boo-hoo.
I got a pig aorta.

Come on.
Let's go.

See you over there.

[ Grunts ]

Those guys
can't demo a house.
[ Door closes ]

They can't even
digest food.

They're free.

You can't afford
to be picky.

Here's hoping
when the Grim Reaper

swings his sickle
at one of those guys,

he'll miss and knock
a wall down instead.

Great, now on top of
all the taxes and insurance,

I'm gonna have to hire
some younger guys?

I'm about to sign papers,

and I can't afford to do
all the stuff we planned.

I have to make
some more money.

Well, you've been at Wellman's
for, what, a couple years now?

Go in there
and ask for a raise.

Hey. Yes.
The time is right.

You know, all these companies
are desperately trying

to hang on to the employees
that they've got.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

I mean,
I screw up all the time,

and they still
keep me around at my job.

I told them I was taking
the trash out two hours ago,

but really,
I just came here to get food.

Oh, God. I gotta get back.
I'm gonna miss my lunch break.

Well,
under my management,

production efficiency
went up 15%.
[ Door opens, closes ]

Hey, that's pretty good.
Is that worth a raise?

Yeah,
I think it's pretty good,

considering there's no such
thing as production efficiency.

-- Captions by VITAC --

**

**

**

**

[ Knock on door ]

Got a minute?
Yep.

Yeah. Fine.

[ Sighs ] We have got to do
something about Sleepy Kevin.

He dozed off in
a box of packing peanuts,

woke up on a truck
halfway to Moline.

He was this close
to being frozen

in the belly
of a FedEx plane.

Okay. Okay.

I will put Cokehead Annie next
to Sleepy Kevin on the line,

and her mindless jabbering
will keep him awake.

Done.

That kind of creative thinking
deserves a raise,

don't you think?

Well, sure.
But you're not getting one.

Why not?

I've been here
for almost two years.

I've increased
production efficiency by 27%.

I haven't taken home any
toilet paper or bottled water

in like a year.

When I measured
the copy machine to see if

it would fit in my car,
I knew I had a problem.

If it didn't fit in my car,
it's not gonna fit in yours.

Look,
you deserve a raise.

And so do I.

But the only people getting them
are the line workers

so they won't quit.

What, so I can't afford
to get a house

because we have to hold on to
Cokehead Annie?

She does the work
of four people,

but she does it wrong.

You coming in here
does give me an idea, though.

If we go in together
and threaten to quit,

they'd have to
give it to us.

Whoa.

Threaten to quit?

What if they let us?

They can't afford
to lose us both.

After all, we've upped
production efficiency by 38%.

No, 27%.

The number I made up
is better.

So, you with me?

Well, I trust you
like I trust my family.

That's not a good thing,

so I'm gonna go
run it by some strangers.

I'm gonna
test your reflexes.

Okay, Doc.
Go for it.

[ Giggles ]

Oop!

Your parts
are all mixed up.

You know
what fixes that?

A sip of
Grandpa's medicine.

Mommy says beer
doesn't fix anything.

She's right.

Money fixes everything.
[ Door opens ]

And for proof,
here's a dollar

not to tell Mom I asked you
to hand me my beer.

I just need
a minute to change

and then I'll be ready
to go to the concert.

I can't go, honey.

What? Wh--

I sent you a text.
Didn't you get it?

No.

Hey, come on.

We've been planning to see
Bachman-Turner Overdrive

for over a month.

What's going on?

Becky's study group realized
they were working on

the wrong assignment
and they need to start over...
[ Sighs ]

...so I'm watching
Beverly Rose for her.

I sent the text
to Chuck.

He wrote back,
"I spent the day with you.

I've gotten my fill
of old white guys."

I was really
looking forward to this.

Well, we'll see
BTO another time.

We can't see
BTO another time.

The only business
they're taking care of

is getting their affairs
in order.

We'll see another band.
It's fine.

I'm upset, Dan,
and -- and you're just acting

like it's no big deal.

What do you
expect me to do?

Drop my granddaughter off
at the fire station

so I can go to
a concert?
I-I didn't say that.

Well, what the hell
are you saying?

'Cause I'm saying
it's more important

for my daughter
to get a degree

than it is for me
to go to a concert.

Uh, th-that's not fair.

Well, no, what's not fair
is everybody

needs something from me,
and I'm only one person.

You know what?
I am not getting into

a screaming match
with you over this.

We're still talking.
Where are you going?

She's mad at you.
You should give her a dollar.

Unlearn that
immediately.

Okay.

**

Hey.

You get the raise?

No.
The company's strapped.

Robin wants me to
threaten to quit with her

because she says
it gives us more leverage,

but how can I
take that risk?

I think I'm gonna
have to tell her no.

Risks are
a part of life.

You have to be
fearless.

Roseanne and I,
we took a big leap

when we opened
our loose meat place.

But that went bust.

Well, yeah, but that's
your mother's fault,

because she's not here
to defend herself.

This hurts to say,
but Jackie's right.

You can't get ahead unless
you take some chances.

That's why I started
the bike shop

when your mom and I
had nothing.

But that went bust, too.

Yes, and I'd do it again because
I don't have to sit around

wondering whether I could've run
a successful bike shop.

Now I know I can't.

Hard to believe neither of you
is a motivational speaker.

Honey, the point is,
if you're too afraid to try,

you'll never know whether
you could've gotten the raise

or could've
gotten the house.

[ Sighs ]
God, I want that house so bad.

Take it from
an old man.

It's easier to live
with failure than regret.

I wouldn't listen to these two
"Shark Tank" rejects.

Robin's really smart.

If she thinks you can
get a raise, I'd go for it.

Yeah, maybe.

I mean, one of the Conners
has to succeed eventually.

It's the law
of averages.
[ Door opens ]

Like going to
a tropical island

and being killed
by a falling coconut.

There's no reason that can't
happen to me, right?

Eh.

You think Louise
is okay?

I've been calling her.
She's not picking up.

Probably avoiding you.

Uh, let me call.

I married you guys,
for God's sakes.

She'll answer for me.
Mm.

[ Line ringing ]

Louise:
Who is this?

It's the woman
who married you.

I never married a woman.

I-I mean,
I dabbled in the '70s.

Where are you, hon?
I'm worried.

I'm at the funeral home.

I just need
a little time to myself.

I'm gonna sleep here
tonight.

Good night.

[ Call ends ]
Mm.

I'm going over there.

We've never had a fight where
she just walked out on me.

Dan, she just told you
she doesn't want to see you.

You're just gonna
make it worse.

I tell you that all the time
and it doesn't work.

Well, I know
you don't mean it.

Oh, but I do.

Get out.

See?

This is our thing we do,
right here.

**

Hey.

Oh, hey.

Uh, cremation, huh?

Might as well know
what you're in for.

Even if my dad told you
you're gonna have

a really beautiful
funeral,

it was always gonna be fire
and a cardboard box.

Did your dad send you over here
to apologize for him?

No.

I wanted to say sorry for
screwing up your date night.

Don't be mad at him.

He was just helping me out
'cause I was in a jam.

Look, I love that he's generous
and always wants to help,

but you don't seem to realize
he has a wife now.

He does?

I thought all the women's
underwear in the wash

were thrown at him
by his fans.

We know he has a wife.

Do you?

'Cause every time one of you
needs something,

you expect your dad to drop
everything and take care of you.

And the thing
he usually drops is me.

[ Sighs ]

We're family, Louise.

I'm family, too.

Then you should know that
when we're in crisis,

we survive by
undercutting each other

so that our crisis
gets taken care of first.

Babysitting
isn't exactly a crisis.

And now he's gonna be busy
building that house

for you and Darlene,

I'm never
gonna see him.

Building the house
was your idea!

I was being nice.

Well, you made a mistake!
Move on!

I do not
want to fight.

I'm leaving.

You cannot just walk out
in the middle of a fight!

How are we
gonna know who wins?

**

This is a huge mistake.

Would you relax?

We have to be
cool and confident.

We deserve this raise.

You know who doesn't
get a raise?

The fidgety and sweaty.

I can't help it. My low
self-esteem is shooting
out my armpits.

You know, I'm going.

You have got to start
believing in yourself.

This is a pivotal moment
in your life,

and you will never forgive
yourself if you walk out.

Okay, you're right.

I'm just terrified
I'm gonna say the wrong thing.

Just follow my lead, and try not
to sweat through the chair.

So, what can I do
for you two?

Well, Marcus,
it's no secret

that Darlene and I make
an effective management team.

This year, we've increased
production efficiency by 54%.

Isn't that what you said,
Darlene?

Uh...yeah.
Uh, 54% sounds right.

Even I'm impressed
when I hear it.

Together, we've created
a steadying influence

during a time of
personnel upheaval.

So much upheaval.

Too much, really.
[ Chuckles ]

That's why we both would like
our first raise in years,

and if our request
isn't met,

we have no other choice
but to resign immediately.

Is that how you feel, too,
Darlene?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm just
gonna say it --

You both deserve a raise.

Oh. Thank you.

And I really hope that
compliment holds you over,

because I just
can't give you a raise.

All the money's
been allocated

to keep the line workers
from quitting.

What, so we can't get a raise
'cause you have to

hold on to Cokehead Annie
at all costs?

She's the first one in
and last one to leave.

Well, yeah,
she lives here.

Her house
went up her nose.

Well, whoever's pee I'm testing
is coming back clean.

[ Chuckles ] Anyway,

I know you'll be an asset to
whatever company you work for.

Good luck.

[ Chuckles ]
Okay, alright.

Yeah, now we've stated
our bargaining positions.

Now it's time
to haggle.

No. [ Chuckles ]
No haggling.

Thank you
for your service.

I think that's just for people
in the armed forces.

Well,
I didn't mean it anyway.

So, please
see yourselves out.

Well,
that's step one.

Step one?
There are no other steps.

He just let us quit.

Oh, my God.

What am I gonna do?

I don't have a job.

I'm not gonna be able
to get that house.

I-I let my kids down
and my family,

and this is all
because of you.

You told me
I was valuable.

You told me to
believe in myself.

What kind of
stupid advice is that?

Look, I don't know how I'm gonna
save Darlene extra money

so you can go hire
younger guys.

I'm already getting her
all the materials at cost.

Maybe we skip
the eight-foot ceilings.

[ Chuckles ]
She's a munchkin.

Seven-foot ceilings
will make her feel like

she's in
Westminster Abbey.

What about Becky?

She's regular
human size.
[ Door opens ]

Mm. Okay.
We're done.

Go on. Beat it.
Scram!

Yep.
Go!

Alright!
Hi, babe.

Uh, Becky told me you were
on your way over,

so I'm making a meal
for my special lady.
[ Refrigerator door closes ]

Hear that, Ben?

You're special.

Hey.

I know I blew it
with the concert.

I'm sorry.

Can't we put it
behind us?

Dan, it's never
gonna be behind us.

This is how you are
with the family.

You are constantly
putting out their fires.

And I don't want to have
to create a fire

just to get
your attention.

Are you really asking me
to stop helping my kids?

[ Scoffs ]
Of course not.

I just want to feel
like I'm as much a
priority as they are.

You are a priority.

Am I?

Did you ask Becky to try
to find someone else

before you said yes
to watching her kid?

No, I did not.

Alright.

So, look,
here's the deal --

don't stop
helping your kids.

Just change the equation
so that you factor me in

more than you do
right now.

If someone asks you to
do something, ask yourself,

"Am I the only one
who could do this,

or would I rather
get laid tonight?"

Got it.

The kids
are dead to me.

[ Chuckles ]
Not now.

**

[ Exhales sharply ]

You need to chill.

You're pacing so hard,

my smartwatch
is picking up your steps.

Marcus is probably meeting
with the partners right now,

going over the numbers

in order to make
our raises work.

Did you eat the worm?

Right now, they are
going up and down the line

looking for two people
who can pass a background check

and a drug test
to replace us.

I hired
most of those people.

I think we're safe.

Ha-ha-ha.

You think your jokes
are funny right now?

Do you see me laughing?

Now that you're no longer
my boss, I can tell you

that I always laughed,
but your jokes were never funny.

Well,
let me tell you that,

now that I'm no longer
your boss,

I knew
they weren't funny.

I just wanted to
see you suck up to me.

Alright, that's it.
I'm gonna cave.

I'm going to beg for my job back
at my old salary.

You think you've seen
sucking up?

That was amateur hour.

Wait.

We still have
all the leverage.

You just need to show some
backbone a little while longer.

If we had any leverage,
they would have

given us the raise
in the office,

or -- or on our way down
to the car,

or the last two hours
that we've been here.

We're gonna be sweeping up hair
at Super Duper Cuts

a year from now
with you saying,

"They're gonna be calling
any minute."

What? No ridiculous
overconfidence?

No "We've got them
right where we want them"?

Well, you've made
some good points.

What? No!

No! Tell me
I'm hysterical!

Yes, okay, you are.

I'm just saying you might have
something there.

[ Scoffs ]
[ Bottle thuds ]

Alright,
I-I'm going to grovel.

Are you coming?

Seems like
the prudent thing to do.

Maybe if we go in
and beg together,

we'll have more
leverage.

Shut up!

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Ah. Here it is.

[ Laughing ]

They're giving me
the raise.

[ Country music playing ]

**

Maybe it went
into your spam folder.

No, it's just
hundreds of e-mails

reminding me that I have
$6 in Old Navy Cash.

Hopefully, I can use it
to buy food.

Well, this is awkward.

I hate you so much.

You've destroyed
my life,

and I'm gonna spend
the rest of my waking hours

hoping that you fail
at everything you do.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Yes! I got it!

Yes!

[ Clears throat ] Now that
you are my boss again,

I would like to say that
I-I actually do think

your jokes
are pretty funny.

Shut up.

**

Hey, Darlene! I didn't hear
your car in the driveway!

I took an Uber.
Long story.

Well, did you get
the raise?

Okay.
Uh, I got it.

I got the raise.

[ Loudly ]
You got the raise?

[ All cheering ]

See?

We knew you got
the raise all along.

Wow. I-I had a couple
dark moments,

but it's great to know that
you guys had faith in me.

Yeah.
Oh, that is so sweet.

We wrote something
on both sides.

All: Yay!