Original subtitles

(SPOOKY ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

PETE: Most of the time when you think history,

you think boring, right?

Ancient civilizations

with names you can't pronounce, dates, facts...

I mean, who cares?

But sometimes, history can slam right into the present

and totally blow your mind.

The first ever movie theater in our town opened in 1925.

Phantom of the Opera was its first film.

But times changed.

Things progressed, and the old movie theater bit the dust.

Literally.

There was a rumor that one faithful, old moviegoer

got trapped inside when it went down.

Some folks even claimed he survived.

Yeah, right.

Anyway, a new theater was built and new movies were shown.

And all the while, the legend grew.

Now here I am, 17, working at the theater, and we still talk about the guy.

Every time a piece of film breaks or the lights flicker,

we instantly blame him.

Not that I believe in any phantom.

Truth is, I've got more important things on my mind.

That's me. Pete Riley.

My mom thinks I work way too hard, but she really doesn't get it.

-Do the counts? -Yeah.

I'm the youngest assistant manager they've ever had

at this 26-screen megaplex.

Hey, we're talking some serious responsibility here, right?

Do you know on a typical Saturday night we have 52 people working,

sell 88 pounds of popcorn,

move 7,000 patrons in and out, and have 63 showings,

with an average of four to six minor technical glitches?

Whew! That's a lot to keep track of. Trust me.

That's our senior manager, Shawn MacGibbon.

He's freaking out because our theater owner,

and Shawn's personal idol, Wolfgang Nedermayer,

scored like the coup of the century.

See, a movie called Midnight Mayhem filmed not too far from here, last spring.

Nedermayer used his connections to talk the filmmakers into coming back,

right here to our own Grande Megaplex,

for the big-time Hollywood-style world premiere.

RICKY: Okay. Stop. Stop.

We're going to need one of us on either side and one in back,

or someone's going to end up with a major hernia, okay?

That's Ricky Leary, or as we call him, Ricky Rules.

No matter what you're doing, Ricky's got the procedure for it.

You know, once I heard

these kids were trying to push something like this,

and it started rolling backwards and it crushed them.

And one kid got killed, and the other ones lost

a bunch of fingers, toes, and junk.

That's Terri Tortora, nicknamed Scary Terri.

She's got a hundred stories to tell, and all of them end in death

and destruction.

All right. Great, you guys. Now, go straighten up the snack bar.

This is fantastic. Look what a great job we're doing, honey.

Aren't we so efficient?

She's like your grandma in a teenage body.

Calls everybody "sweetie" and "baby."

Always wants to make sure we're eating enough,

wearing warm enough clothes.

Hey, Mark, could you please sweep down the carpet for me?

With a broom, you mean?

Mark Jefferies, or as I call him, Question Mark.

You can't say anything to him without getting a hundred questions in response.

Yeah, with the broom.

I straightened up the ticket booth, cleaned both ladies' rooms,

washed the popcorn maker, and swept inside the elevator. Now what?

Why walk if you can run?

You know what you can do for me?

Head upstairs, make sure that the trash cans have been emptied,

and then check to see if that wind machine arrived

for our Hollywood display.

(EXHALES)

Read the presentation criteria checklist on my booth wall,

and you'd know that digital soundtrack mis-threading

is the number one cause for customer grievances.

That guy? He's our head projectionist, Merle.

Ask a simple question, get a way too complicated

technospeak answer in return.

Slow it down, my dear.

Life is like a good movie, every moment should be savored.

PETE: Meet Movie Mason. He doesn't work here.

He just thinks he does.

It was Mason's family who opened the original theater on this spot

in the 1920s.

Mason loves movies more than anything.

When they tore his place down to build the megaplex,

he had a hard time letting go.

My schedule.

So, each week Mason types up his work schedule,

and each week Shawn files it.

Still, Mason shows up every day, and we're always happy to see him.

Anyway, it's not only the premiere I'm pumped about.

See there's this girl, Caitlin Kerigan,

and I got her and her friend Lisa passes to an early movie and to the premiere.

Not bad, huh?

Now you get why tonight everything has to be totally, 100% perfect.

Whoa!

I cannot stress enough, people, that on a night as monumental as this one

careers are going to be made and careers will be broken.

Tonight, as the eyes of the entertainment world

fall upon our humble megaplex, what I want them to see is greatness.

Greatness that can only come from you kids

and the rest of my crack Saturday night team.

To quote Mr. Nedermayer,

"It is service that can't be beat that puts a butt in every seat."

I expect to see the straightest bow ties,

the neatest vests, the most polished shoes...

Whoa, Shawn, are you sure?

Because once I heard these kids with really shiny shoes...

No, no, no. (SHUSHING)

Terri, rise to my level, or be gone.

For those of you who do wish to remain employed,

I expect to see you back here promptly at 3:00

to start your shifts.

3:00 today, you mean?

-No, Mark. 3:00 a year from Tuesday. -(EMPLOYEES LAUGHING)

-(CELL PHONE RINGING) -(SHAWN CLEARS THROAT)

Yes.

Ah, Mr. Nedermayer. You did?

I see.

No, no. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

If you feel that your son-in-law

is the best man for the general manager's job,

that's a decision I will have to respect.

Of course, sir. We'll see you both, tonight.

(CLEARS THROAT)

We are professionals.

(CLEARS THROAT)

And we will act like professionals.

Um... On... On all shows, before the premiere this evening,

we will get the customers in, get them out,

but always be kind and courteous.

In the words of Mr. Nedermayer,

-"A smile at every door..." -"Keeps them coming back for more."

Yes. Yes.

You're a good man, Pete.

You might go places in this organization.

(WHISPERS) And since Mr. Nedermayer expects the impossible this evening,

if anything does go wrong, I'm fully prepared to blame you.

Dismissed!

KAREN: You always do this to me.

You tell me you want me to have a life, so then I make plans with my friends,

and then suddenly, at the last second, you say you need me to babysit.

I told you last Monday I needed you for tonight.

-Was I listening? -Are you ever?

-(SIGHS) -PETE: What's up?

Mom's going out with George tonight.

Oh, think he might finally propose?

Why do you guys keep pushing this?

You and George are great together. You're always happy when he's around.

KAREN: Oh, yeah. You know what you should do?

You should be like Gillie Blake in Always a Bridesmaid.

Tell him how great you look in white,

ask him if he wants to play Old Maid, and then tell him you'll give him a ring

when you get home.

Does every reference in your life have to be from a movie?

Why shouldn't it be?

You sound exactly like the grouchy old dad in Blank Screen.

Yeah, well, I just think it would be cool

if every once in a while you two lived in the real world.

Boring.

Now about George...

George will propose if and when he's ready.

Yeah, but as Dendy Dillon said in Maybe Baby,

"Until you apply the headlock..."

BOTH: "...he might never comply with wedlock."

(PETE AND JULIE LAUGHING)

Mom, can Karen and I see Farmer Brown Goes to Town, tonight?

Pete said it's not going to be playing much longer,

and tomorrow I've got baseball practice all day.

Why can't Pete take him when he goes to work, tonight?

Then I can meet my friends to see University of Death.

Oh, you're not seeing that movie with or without Brian.

I don't like those bloody, sickening things.

I'm not asking you to see it.

Watch that tone.

I hate my life!

You still treat me like I'm three years old.

No, I do not.

Now run in the house, and I'll fix you a bottle.

-(LAUGHS) -I'm not laughing, Mom.

Well, start. It helps.

Okay. Final offer. You and Brian can go see Farmer Brown,

Pete can drive you home on his dinner break,

and then you only have to be on duty till I get home at midnight.

Sounds sweet.

To who?

To whom.

Take it or leave it, hon.

And even if I didn't have a date, I wouldn't let you see College of Blood.

Mom, it's University of Death.

Yeah, well, same difference.

(GROANS)

Slow down, grog.

Nobody's going to steal your woolly mammoth meat.

-(CHUCKLES) I'm starving. -Obviously.

How did it go down at the theater?

Oh, it was so cool. Me and Ricky we had to...

Ricky and I.

Ricky and I, we had to put

this huge monster blow-up thing above the main marquee.

They had you up on the roof?

Yeah, Mom. And I fell off, cracked my skull, and now I'm dead.

(LAUGHS WEAKLY) Just for the record, I don't approve.

Oh! Listen. I realize I should have checked with you first,

but would it be okay for you to drive the littles home on your break, tonight?

They'll be long gone before the start of the premiere.

That's not what I'm worried about.

Caitlin's coming by.

I snagged her and a friend passes for an earlier movie

and then to stay for the premiere.

They won't bother you. I'll make them promise.

I just don't want them coming up and making dumb comments and stuff.

Mmm. Pete, you know how those two are.

Bombs could be going off when they're watching a movie,

and it wouldn't distract them. They're exactly like your father that way.

-Who loved the movies more than Dad? -Yeah.

Sometimes I wonder if that's why you ended up at the megaplex.

Well, no disrespect, Mom, but I'm in it strictly for the cold, hard cash.

Uh... Yeah, speaking of which,

don't you think you've been putting in too many hours down there?

We go over this every month. The answer is still no.

I love my job.

Yeah, but all work and no play...

Is going to make me really, really rich.

And burned out before you're 30.

Pete, you're young. You have plenty of years to work.

You should be out enjoying yourself.

Mom, don't worry about it. I'm fine.

Okay.

Tonight sounds like it's going to be pretty great, though.

Klieg lights, limousines, movie stars.

Karen said Sarah Joan Michelle whatever, was going to be there.

Madison Ashley Metz, Mom.

Isn't that what I said?

(BOTH LAUGH)

No, really, it sounds so exciting. Are you nervous?

Mom, we're professionals. We have everything under control.

It's a disaster, a total calamity. I am talking fade out. The end.

What's going on?

Craig and Randy just both phoned in sick.

And Jenna, well, she's simply lost in the ozone.

How can nearly half our staff pick tonight,

of all nights, to simply not show up?

And Nedermayer keeps calling every five minutes to see how it's going.

He keeps telling me this premiere has to go off without a flaw.

Without a hitch. Without one single... (HICCUPS)

Oh, no. Oh, no, no. You see, when I get nervous I... (HICCUPS)

Go! Get me water from the snack bar.

-Flat, no bubbles. Go! -Okay.

(HICCUPS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Heard the latest?

Since we're so understaffed,

all breaks and dinner hours have been canceled,

which is huge violation of our union contract.

(PETE CLEARS THROAT)

But I guess tonight's not the night to get into Shawn's face about it.

Good instincts, Ricky.

I heard once, these kids at this restaurant

didn't get their dinner break, and they all started fainting.

-And then... -Blood, guts, death, destruction.

I mean, come on, Terri.

Like we haven't heard it, like, a thousand times.

We're never going to get through this.

Even if we didn't have the premiere, this is way too much stuff

-for us to handle. -Hey, tough up, rookies.

To quote Shawn, quoting Nedermayer,

"If you don't want to get canned, give your very best to the Grande."

Now make this bigger.

Are you bringing that to put up the net for the balloon drop?

Check it out. Shawn's completely three steps ahead of you guys.

PETE: Man, is he dedicated or what?

Even though he didn't get the general manager job,

he's still hustling like a maniac.

(SPOOKY LAUGHING)

Now listen. We need to figure this out before my mom gets out of the shower.

So she's dropping Brian and me off at 7:30 for a 7:40 Farmer Brown,

so I need to do the 7:50 University of Death

so I can get Brian all settled, then can sit with you guys.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

I told her it was PG-13.

But she's still all freaked out. Thinks it's going to be too violent and...

Yeah. I totally agree.

We see worse things on the 6:00 news.

Okay, perfect.

So I'll see you guys outside 7:50 University of Death. Okay, bye.

University of Death?

You're supposed to see Farmer Brown with me. Remember?

Look. I'll get you in. I'll get you settled.

Yeah, right. Then ditch me.

Like you're going to even notice.

What if it turns into Waldorf's Revenge,

where that, you know, criminal guy runs into

the theater and grabs that innocent kid hostage?

That won't happen, Brian.

Or what if it's like in Flood?

And the whole place starts to flood, but I'm (IMITATES DROWNING)

trapped?

Or what if I pay you five bucks and take you to see

Power Penguins 4: Olympic Glory next weekend?

Ten bucks and two movies.

Ten bucks, Power Penguins, and a large candy of your choice.

-Let me think about it. -JULIE: Hmm. Let me think about what?

KAREN: Oh, whether he...

Whether he wants to wash or dry the dishes.

Mmm-hmm.

MOVIE MASON: Good evening. Enjoy the show.

-Enjoy the show, sir. Enjoy the show. -MRS. JOHNSON: Hello, Movie Mason.

Hello, Mrs. Johnson. I love your earrings.

Hello, gentlemen. How are you?

Hey, Movie Mason. Rippin' tux.

Enjoy the show.

BOY: Nice try.

GIRL: That's okay. Try again later. Next.

-(GRUNTING) -GIRL: No. One more try.

No.

Next!

Okay.

WOMAN 1: May I have some nachos, please, with some extra cheese?

WOMAN 2: Can I get a large soda, please?

Okay, you've got enough popcorn tubs, lids.

-Looks like all you need now is cups. -And straws, okay?

Cups and straws. Cups and straws.

Lookin' sharp there, Petey.

What're you doing here, Hollie?

We heard Caitlin and Lisa were going to be around, tonight.

What movie did you give them passes for?

I forget, okay?

I'm busy.

Why does that dog make it so easy for me to rattle his cage?

Dude.

My whole life Donny Hollie's been like some dark shadow.

In school, sports, girls.

If I want it, he wants it.

He's the one who usually gets it.

Well, does he know that you like Caitlin, hon?

Think it's just a coincidence he showed up tonight?

Now I'll be working my buns off,

he'll hunt her down, pour on some of his gross charm...

(SIGHS) I hate Donny.

You know, never worked a day in his life.

All the girls think he's just so good-looking.

He's has a totally perfect life.

But you are so way sweeter, doll.

Since when does that count for anything?

You know, girls like Caitlin want guys with decent cars,

you know, money to spend on dates.

I'm earning cash just to compete.

WOMAN 1: Hey, don't push. MAN: Settle down.

WOMAN 2: This is taking forever.

Hey, Zeke, what's the deal?

Shouldn't Shawn open up another line?

There's nobody to man it, man.

It's crazy! Workin' my fingers off here.

Not tonight, man.

Whoa, folks. Settle down.

Look, everybody's going to make it inside, all right?

Eventually.

Young Shawn, when can I expect you

to respond to my proposal about putting a live organ...

Not now, Mason. I'm swamped, okay?

How's it going, men?

You've got to get us some help, boss. This is weak.

Am I Houdini?

Am I supposed to pull an employee out of my hat?

Relax, young Shawn.

I would gladly abandon my greater post

to answer the desperate call to arms to become a ticket taker.

There's only one problem, Mason.

You don't work here. Okay?

Now you tell him.

A man in crisis should not be burdened by irrelevant details.

So you'd stand here and take tickets even if I can't pay you?

Shawn, movies are not about commerce, my friend.

Movies are about magic.

Is that a yes or a no?

Hey, if he wants to do it, Shawn, let him.

(SIGHS)

Not since I was made head usher

at the Saul and Gettle Sand Palace of Burlesque

as my heart been filled with such pride.

In the name of the great Cecil B. DeMille, I will not let you down.

Whatever. Just stand there, hand half the ticket back,

and keep the people moving.

Watch him.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh! Nedermayer will not be happy until I have a nervous breakdown.

Hey, Mason.

Hello, son. Enjoy the show.

No, no, I keep this.

Thank you. Here, this is the other half.

Make sure Pete knows you're here.

Don't leave the theater without him, and don't talk to strangers.

You have money and my pager number, right?

Mom, we're going to see a movie, not crossing the Atlantic in a canoe.

GEORGE: Trust them, Pocahontas.

Hey, they've got this wired.

See, look! George gets it!

Besides, Mom, it's not even dark yet.

Plus, since they hired those cinema sitters,

we couldn't get away with anything even if we wanted to.

Well, good. Love you guys.

Love you, too.

Remember, no headlock, no wedlock.

Go on! Get out of here!

And no Corpse School!

I'm guessing she means University of Death.

So, what was that all about?

Nothing. They are genuinely crazy about you, George,

and you have no idea how flattered you should be.

What's the hold-up? What's going on?

-MAN 1: Any night! -(PATRONS GRUMBLING)

Go see why we're not moving, Bri.

-I'll hold our place. -Okay.

MAN 2: Hurry up!

We appreciate your opinion, guy. We just don't happen to care.

Considering the steep cost of the ticket, friend,

I'm simply hoping to maximize the pleasure of your moviegoing experience

by telling you that the film you've selected

is what we in the industry commonly refer to as a stinker.

Mason, they don't want to hear your opinion, all right?

You're backing the lines up into next Thursday.

Be that as it may, my boy, cinema is sacred.

Each experience should transport us

to a world worthy of our time and hard-earned cash.

Listen, why don't you just take our tickets and let us in, buddy!

MAN 3: Yeah, come on! WOMAN: Come on, Movie Mason.

So, what happened?

If we're lucky, we might get to see a riot.

Movie Mason's a ticket taker,

but he's not letting people into movies he doesn't like.

Did you see Pete?

No, but something's up, though.

If they've got Mason working, who knows what's going on?

Glimpses of Genevieve has been nominated for more awards

than all five of last year's Oscar nominees.

You owe it to yourself to give it a chance.

You want to give this a chance?

Sir, please! If you just settle down.

Well, tell this guy to cut with the critic act and let us into our movie!

I'm only attempting to impart to him

that the magic of the movies is a treasure not to be taken lightly.

Mason! Here! Now!

MAN 4: Yeah. Yes, thank you. Bye-bye now.

I, sir, do not appreciate being spoken to as if I were a canine.

Well, I just heard from Mr. Nedermayer,

who says that you are an insurance liability waiting to happen,

and he wants you out of here immediately.

This is an outrage!

Save it for someone who cares. Go!

You can't treat Movie Mason like this!

-He's a legend! -Yeah!

SHAWN: Not to me!

Look, I'm under enough pressure tonight, old-timer,

so scram or I'll call the police.

MOVIE MASON: Enjoy your show!

Tell my theater that even when I'm not here,

its magic is never far from my heart.

Someday, you'll have to explain to me how people like you and Mason

can get so worked up about movies.

Maybe it's because we have fun, Mr. Assistant Manager.

Something you obviously can't relate to.

Why? Because I'd rather earn a few bucks than sit in a dark theater daydreaming?

No. Because you're so locked into achievement mode,

you're like the oldest-looking teenager I know.

Can I get some vending candy?

Yeah.

Look, you and Brian get in to your show and behave, okay?

We're way too shorthanded, we got this huge premiere,

and Nedermayer calls every five seconds

to say that everything has to be totally...

(INAUDIBLE)

Perfect.

You know, if you want to impress her, it's probably better not to drool.

Grow up!

I'm trying to, but Mom won't let me.

How are you?

(KAREN SCOFFS)

What'd you do?

I didn't do anything!

I just lifted it up, and it snapped right off!

We can't interrupt Pete right now, or he'll go nuts.

Why can't I just, you know, put it down and run?

Hey, what's the problem, little Pete?

This came off, but it's not my fault.

I was just...

It's no biggie, kid. All you gotta do is just pop it back on... (GRUNTING)

Like this. (GRUNTS)

(PEOPLE GASPING)

Whoa!

What the heck did you do, kid?

He didn't do it, Donny. You did.

Hey! I barely touched it.

Phantom of the Megaplex strikes again!

Excuse me, ladies. Duty calls.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Comin' through.

Come on, let's go.

(ALL CHEERING)

Wow!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Hey, that was sweet.

Welcome to your doom. Aren't you just dying to enter?

I'm gonna go save us some seats.

MAN: I'm gonna have nightmares from this movie.

Man, could you guys have cut it any closer?

The movie starts in, like, 15 seconds.

-Is Erica saving us seats? -Better hope so, huh?

Go in. I'll be right there. Gotta get the Bri guy set up.

You make it sound like I'm a beach chair.

I'll see you in five.

BOY 1: You know, a friend of mine went to college, he got killed.

BOY 2: This is a true story, I heard.

Come on!

ANNOUNCER: (ON SCREEN) At our refreshment center,

you'll find a large variety of goodies to satisfy your hunger, your thirst,

or your sweet tooth.

So, hurry, hurry, hurry!

Visit our refreshment center today.

Okay. You remember, if Pete comes in to check on us,

just say I'm in the ladies room, okay?

If he comes back a second time,

then just, you know, make up another excuse.

What if he goes looking for you?

That's my problem.

Look, if you want your 10 bucks and a free movie,

you'd better not blow this for me, okay?

Okay. Happy nightmares.

You sure you're okay with this?

No offense, but I can see you anytime.

I'm here to see a movie.

Okay. You're gonna stay here, right, no matter what,

and you're gonna be in this exact spot when I get back, right?

Okay.

You better, or I'll tell the cinema sitter.

(HUMMING)

Kids.

ANNOUNCER: (ON SCREEN) The Grande Megaplex

invites you to refrain from using cell phones

and pagers during the movie.

Madison Ashley Metz isn't the only movie star who's gonna be here tonight.

I heard, you know, what's-his-name from Loflin's Dream is coming, too.

Jacob Johnson?

You mean, Jacob Johnson's gonna be here?

That's what my sources tell me.

I don't mean to brag, but since I'm the assistant manager,

I might be able to introduce you to him.

I don't know if I could handle it.

How raw would that be to, like, touch Jacob Johnson's hand?

Could we maybe get a picture with him?

If that's what you want, it's my job to make it happen.

I didn't know you had so much power around here.

Are you kidding?

By the time I'm 18, I'll probably be running this place,

and since they just named a new general manager,

I might even get a promotion tonight.

Will you still get to wear your little red bow tie?

Are you making fun of my bow tie?

No. I love it. I totally do.

Scary thing is, she's serious.

Here.

Guard it with your life.

Sorry to bust up your little party here, Petie,

but Hillary and Lacy are lookin' for ya.

Something about a popcorn emergency?

See ya!

(LAUGHING)

-(PATRONS GRUMBLING) -What's going on?

GIRL: Somebody get the manager.

RICKY: It's like those battery commercials.

We put the exact amount in for one batch,

like we always do,

but it just keeps going and going and going.

Look at this, hon.

Why don't you just shut it off?

We flipped the switch, like, 50 times, but it didn't do anything!

Why don't you just try this, huh?

(PATRONS LAUGHING)

Why didn't we think of that?

Better clean this up.

I'll get the broom and dustpan?

Yeah.

Excuse me!

Excuse me, my dear.

I'm not a complainer by nature,

but you really must come inside and look at this.

When we paid to see Glimpses of Genevieve,

we had no idea that the title would be so literal.

(AUDIENCE CHATTERING)

Man, what's going on with this? This is crazy.

Fix the projector!

Focus! Come on, focus!

Somebody take some responsibility and do something about it.

Excuse me.

Hillary!

Where's Shawn?

Well, did you try his office, sweetie?

He's not in there. What about Pete?

I think he's in Theater 17, checking on his little brother. 8.75.

What's going on now?

How long does it take to go to the bathroom?

When you're a girl, forever.

(PETE SIGHS)

-But you're okay here, right? -MAN: Okay, it's all set.

-WOMAN: But I don't wanna go. -Emergency in Theater 23.

MAN: We've been through this before.

What kind of an emergency? Can I come?

No. Stay.

WOMAN: It's not fair! I always get left behind.

Now, no matter what happens, baby,

I want you to promise me you'll stay right here.

Oh!

(AUDIENCE SHOUTING)

Folks? Uh, excuse me.

If I could have your attention,

I'm Pete Riley, the assistant manager here.

What, do you want a medal?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Uh... We're hoping to have this problem with the projector fixed soon.

We're gonna start your movie over, or, if you'd rather get your money back,

you can see me in the lobby for a full refund or a return pass.

Thanks a lot. Thanks.

This isn't an accident, you know.

It's sabotage, exactly like in Judson's Revenge.

I thought I told you to stay in your seat.

I'm just trying to help, okay?

See, I'm betting that the Phantom of the Megaplex

doesn't like your bringing a big Hollywood party into his home.

Brian? Hey, don't start with me, okay?

We have 26 screens here. Things are always going wrong.

Yeah, but all in one night? I mean, come on!

The candy bin crashing down, and now this focus thing?

Yeah. You don't even know about the maniac popcorn machine.

See? In Judson's Revenge,

the guy, Kevin Eastman... See, what happens is,

he thinks he's been cheated by this big power company,

-but no one'll listen to him. He has to... -All right. Enough, okay?

Get back to Farmer Brown now.

Okay, but I'm tellin' ya, sabotage.

(DEVILISH LAUGHING)

Hyah!

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

This is so crazy!

It's like, every step we take, somebody's watching us.

Duh! It's a horror movie.

Isn't he so unbelievably cute?

I dare you to scream "I love Phil Dalton"

-at the top of your lungs. -Why don't you?

Are you insane? Never dare April to do anything.

She won't do it.

You guys, you're gonna get us so kicked out of here.

My name is Karen Riley, and I love Phil Dalton.

-Shh! -I can't believe you did that!

(SOFTLY) Sorry!

Pipe down back there!

Time to go check on Brian.

-(WHISPERS) Wait! I'm scared! -(FRIENDS LAUGHING)

MAN: What? Oh, man!

They're gone!

I turn my back for one second...

I don't get it. Where did everybody go?

Is something wrong, dear?

Oh, no, no, no. No, when I was in the bathroom,

I guess my brother had to go.

He'll be back.

MAN: Caroline? Caroline, honey?

Why? Why? I begged you to stay put!

(SIGHS)

(PATRONS GRUMBLING)

I don't know why Shawn isn't answering his cell phone, Mr. Nedermayer.

(STAMMERING) He's outside doing...

Right, premiere stuff.

Yes, sir.

The minute he comes in, I'll have him call you.

This is way against operating procedure.

Where is Shawn?

Nedermayer's gonna blow a motherboard if he doesn't hear from him.

I think it's scary. Shawn wouldn't disappear tonight.

Shawn wouldn't disappear ever.

Running this place is his life.

What if the Phantom of the Megaplex got him?

Don't even joke, okay, hon?

Stuff like that totally creeps me out.

Afraid he'll suck your blood?

Want to hear the latest?

The second Pete got the projector fixed in Theater 22,

and there's a whole new disaster in 21.

Come on, Lacy. Let's go find Shawn.

(WHIMPERS)

PETE: And now, Cut to Black, our most popular movie,

has the lights going berserk, and I don't know how to stop it.

I mean, all I know is that the lights are tied into the same computer program

as the projection system.

Why isn't Merle up here?

Merle the projectionist?

But he's the only one who showed up here tonight.

How's he supposed to be in all three booths at once?

He's probably in West 4 getting a Martian Mountain synced up at 8:15.

Go grab him, Mark. Tell him it's an emergency.

All right.

How can a whole computer program go into spontaneous meltdown?

Like I said before, sabotage!

How'd you get up here?

I was in Indian Guides, remember?

I slipped in when Mark slipped out.

I'm only trying to help, okay, Pete?

Okay, well, don't, okay?

I have too much to deal with already.

Man! It's so cool in here!

Let me guess. Karen has absolutely no clue where you are.

Who cares? I'm telling you,

you need me to help you solve this. You do!

There's nothing to solve, Brian.

Oh, yeah? How come nobody in this whole place can find Shawn?

Shawn's still missing?

This is really getting weird. Where could he be?

I heard once there was this multiplex

in like Oregon or "Michigan" or one of those places,

and every Saturday night for two months, a different guy...

-(EVIL LAUGHING) -(YELPS)

-What the heck was that? -(DOOR CLOSES)

(GASPS)

Oh!

-(SIGHS) -(DOOR OPENS)

Lose somebody?

Oh, it's my little brother.

You mean you still haven't found him?

No, no. He came back, but now he's gone again.

Oh!

What's his name?

Brian. Brian Riley.

If Brian Riley is present, please finish your business promptly

and report to your sister at once!

Now, when he emerges,

I want you two to get into your seats and stay put.

(SIGHS)

No torn sprocket hole that's confusing the computer.

No stripped brains.

No tripped trees. I don't know.

Yeah. Platter's in place.

Okay. So I don't have as much to do around here

since we went into full automation.

Somehow, the powers that be think that's progress.

Who am I to argue?

But, while I'm underpaid and under-appreciated,

I'm still numero uno at figuring out how and why things go wrong.

Okay, Master Merle, enlighten me.

Well, I think the problem here, my friend,

is someone's deliberate attempt to ruin our big night.

Thank you. I've only been trying to tell him that for the last hour.

Well, can we straighten it out?

If I can't, nobody can, but it's gonna take a few minutes.

Okay. Well, if you've got everything under control here,

I'm gonna head downstairs to prevent a riot.

(PATRONS CLAMORING)

If you could just...

Quiet!

Thanks.

Told you I was good to have around.

Folks, I know this has been very frustrating,

but your movie will be starting over momentarily.

If you'd rather leave now, refunds can be obtained in the main lobby

from my senior manager, Shawn MacGibbon.

-If anyone can find him. -(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

We apologize for any inconvenience.

PETE: Good job!

This is getting way totally spooky.

Terri and I looked everywhere for Shawn. We absolutely can't find him.

And then, when we were coming out of his office,

this total guy in black shot out of nowhere and ran down the stairs.

I am so not kidding. We both saw him.

BRIAN: Why won't you guys admit it?

It's the Phantom of the Megaplex.

And Nedermayer, he keeps calling for Shawn.

Plus, you know the fog machine he had delivered

so it'd be going off when the guests arrived for the premiere?

Now it's disappeared, and nobody's even gotten the velvet ropes

for the red carpet out of the downstairs lobby yet.

Okay. Brian, I need you.

About time you admitted it.

Yeah.

When I find that little brat, I'm gonna pound him, I swear.

Thanks to him, I've got the cinema sitter turning into my own personal stalker.

You want to bet the Bri guy's messing with you on purpose?

Shh!

Shh!

I'm not the one who's talking.

You are now.

Got to go find Brian.

You're missing the whole movie.

Mother's magic.

She didn't want me to see this movie, now I'm not.

Shawn? Is that you?

-Oh, man! Who did this to you? -(MUFFLED SPEAKING)

Probably be easier for him to answer if you took the tape off.

(MUFFLED SPEAKING)

I... (SCREAMS IN PAIN)

-What happened? -(GROANS)

I don't have a clue.

I came down here to get these ropes.

Someone shoved me from behind, held me down, tied my hands,

put tape over my mouth before I saw a thing!

Dun-dun-dun!

Phantom of the Megaplex is back!

Sir? It's not that I didn't want to answer your calls.

I was simply... Tied up. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

You and Lamonica are having dinner with who, sir?

I am impressed!

How soon?

No, no. Please, don't rush.

Really. Stay. Have a nice, long dessert.

We'll have everything in order for you when you arrive.

Sixty minutes! Do you hear me?

Yes! In one short hour, Nedermayer will arrive

with that waste of sweat Lamonica and Tyler Jesseman.

Yes! The director of Midnight Mayhem.

We must find out who is causing this chaos and make it stop. All right?

Pete, Ricky, inside.

Someone take half-pint back to his show,

and please check all theaters for any signs of trouble.

Where is your bow tie?

I'll go get it.

Go! Go, go, go!

There you are! Finally!

Yeah. Nice job of watching Brian.

I can explain!

-(ESCALATOR BEEPING) -Oh, great!

All right, get to the top.

Oh, good.

Come on!

Do you see what I'm up against tonight?

Yeah! Fighting the Phantom!

Look. Either you two get into your seats in Farmer Brown

and stay there, or I'm running you home right now.

I'm totally serious.

Wow! There's a big shock!

You being serious?

Catch me! I'm about to faint.

I know we promised, but don't you want to be a hero?

You're so lame, Brian.

We're not gonna solve what's going on here.

Why not?

What did Dad always say, huh?

If you pay attention, the movies can teach you about life.

How is that relevant?

Don't you get what this guy's doing?

In Glimpses of Genevieve, the projector was going nuts.

Glimpses, see?

In Cut to Black, the lights were going on and off.

The titles match the troubles.

Exactly. So what you and me need to do

is figure out where he's gonna strike next.

-Right! -(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Come on!

What happened to the fan?

Run for your lives, children! It's a tornado!

Excellent!

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

-Look! There's Caitlin! -Who?

Duh! The girl Pete likes!

(SNEEZES)

(SCREAMING)

MAN: Sorry!

Thanks!

Don't worry, ladies! I'll take care of it!

(MOOING)

(DONNY GROANS)

Good look on you, Donny.

You should adopt it permanently!

-Come on! Let's go! -Okay, okay, okay!

(YELPS)

Come here! Come here!

-(FAN POWERING DOWN) -(SIGHS)

GEORGE: Oh! Batting a thousand, huh?

A lost reservation and no room for us at Chez Patrice?

This joint's suddenly gone belly up.

Well, so much for our perfect evening.

It's okay. George, do you see those plants?

Hanging over there?

They seem perfectly content, don't they?

Sure. They look great.

So, it wouldn't really make any sense to uproot them,

put them into a single pot,

impose, you know, some kind of forced blending thing.

Well, you could do that, but if it got all messed up,

don't you run the risk of ruining them both?

I mean, the roots get entangled

-and the stems get twisted and... -Yeah.

It's not just the plants that you have to think about.

What about the buds?

I mean, how would they react to this turf invasion?

Hey, don't get me wrong. It's not that I'm afraid of re-potting.

I just think you have to take it slow, you know, examine every angle.

Mmm.

I agree.

I agree.

Personally, I've never been comfortable trying anything

that I wasn't sure I could succeed at.

Maybe all we can do is trust that if and when the time is right,

we'll both know it.

Okay.

-(PAGER BEEPING) -Oh!

Who's this?

It's not a number I recognize.

Here.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(PHONE RINGS)

Mom?

Pete! Where are you?

The lobby pay phone.

Is anything wrong?

No, no, everything's fine...

Sort of. Mom, I really hate to do this,

but Shawn canceled all dinner breaks tonight since we're so understaffed,

and I thought I could bring the kids home, only we're so not ready for the premiere.

You need me to pick up Brian and Karen.

It's no problem. I'll bring George with me.

(WHISPERS) Sorry.

No, I don't want them standing on the street.

Tell 'em to sit on that blue bench

down in the lower lobby. I'll meet them there.

All right. Thanks.

Another change of plans. I'm sorry.

-We've gotta go pick up Brian and Karen. -(LAUGHS)

(ENGINE STALLING)

Oh, no.

PETE: You guys were never gonna get to stay for the premiere anyway,

so I don't know what you're moaning about.

Besides, Mom and George are already on their way.

Man, we don't even get to find out who the Phantom is?

Riley, it's Movie Mason, our so-called Phantom.

Think about it.

He's ticked at me for having tossed him out.

He's never gotten over the fact that he doesn't still own this place.

What better revenge than ruining our biggest night?

Mason would never do anything that mean.

Movies are sacred to him.

In my opinion, that crazy old coot is capable of anything.

You don't know him at all.

He's the sweetest person that ever lived.

Why are these small people talking to me?

Guys, will you just cool it, all right? This doesn't concern you.

It does if he's gonna go around bad-mouthing Movie Mason!

KAREN: Yeah!

I am telling you, he is our Phantom and I want him found.

All right, I gotta go look for Mason.

I want you two sitting on this bench.

I don't want you doing anything till Mom gets here, okay?

REPORTER: Connie, I'm standing in front of the Grande Theater downtown,

where the premiere of Midnight...

Movie Mason never came back, right?

-No. -Good.

Wait a sec. I saw him. About an hour ago.

He decided to forgive Shawn and bought a ticket to Merlin on Mars.

Gross!

It's Movie Mason's work schedule.

Why does he have a work schedule if he doesn't work here?

Pete says every week Mason types it all up,

and every week Shawn tosses it out.

Hmm. This is very interesting.

I'll be right back.

We're not supposed to leave this bench, remember?

Hillary, hi. You remember me, right?

-Brian, Pete's little brother? -Brian, honey! How are you?

Wow! Look how tall you're getting.

Movie Mason, when he takes his dinner breaks,

where does he go?

Why are we doing this?

We're gonna get in so much trouble.

I didn't say you had to follow me.

Well, yeah, well, what was I supposed to do?

Be sitting there all alone when Mom arrives?

"Where's Brian?" Gee, I have no idea.

God, how grounded would I be?

Not to mention, this is for employees only.

I mean, how do you know about it?

I came down here with Pete earlier.

And we're heading back down here now because?

Hillary said Mason always takes his dinner breaks in the basement.

Why? What's down here?

Probably spiders and rats and...

-(EVIL LAUGHING) -(KIDS WHIMPER)

The Phantom?

We gotta get out of here.

Are you nuts? We can't bail now.

This is exactly like in Officer Bean: Talented Teen II.

Look, I don't care.

Mom is gonna be waiting for us. Now come on!

No, just think how proud she'll be when we show up with the unmasked Phantom.

Brian. Brian!

I checked both Merlin on Mars shows. Mason's not in either one.

I hate thinking that sweet old man could be the Phantom.

Oh, good. They're gone.

At least something finally went the way it was supposed to.

I do this like I'll actually know something.

I'm an English teacher!

But, a car breaks down and a guy automatically looks under the hood.

Okay, have I been macho long enough now to call the Auto Club?

Yes, and then I'll call the theater and give the kids a heads-up.

I hate this! We shouldn't be here.

-We should be upstairs waiting for Mom. -Shh!

What if we find the guy who got trapped in here

when they blew up the original theater?

What's that?

I don't like this.

I don't like this at all. This is really scary.

Come on, we should just go back.

-Come on! -I hate this.

Let's get out of here. Let's just go! Come on!

Whoa!

Cool!

-Look at this. -Wait!

What are you doing?

BRIAN: Whoa! We're not dead, right?

KAREN: What are you talking about?

Long tunnel, bright light at the end.

I just wanted to make sure.

Come on, Bri. Let's get out of here, please?

Not till I know where this goes.

(WHIMPERING)

Oh! This is so frustrating!

I call the theater, and all I get is this pre-recorded laundry list of options,

none of which lead to a human being.

I call the box office, and all I get is show times.

Wait a sec. Does your beeper have a callback function?

I don't know.

If Pete called from the lobby earlier, the number should still be in memory.

-Oh, oh, oh, oh! -Here we are.

(PHONE RINGING)

City morgue.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

On the bench?

Oh, the blue bench.

Hold on, I'll check.

It's empty.

Me? Oh, my name.

I'm Mark Jefferies.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Riley.

No, I haven't seen Pete.

You want me to find out where he is?

Okay, could you hold on?

Okay, hold on.

BRIAN: Wow. KAREN: Whoa.

BRIAN: Look at all this.

KAREN: Yeah.

BRIAN: I don't get it.

Where'd all this stuff come from?

Maybe nobody knows about it.

Man, some of this old stuff must be worth a fortune.

Bri, are you totally 100% positive Mason can't possibly be the Phantom?

Of course. Not even a question.

Okay, then... What about this?

Whoa.

Hello, children.

(BOTH GASP)

(STAMMERS) Movie Mason.

Oh, sorry I startled you.

I see you've discovered my little hideaway.

You left the light on.

That's what happens with old age.

Liver spots come, the mind goes.

Mason, do you know what's been going on around here tonight?

Crazy projectors, flashing lights, indoor tornadoes?

It's not you, is it?

You're not the Phantom of the Megaplex, right?

Children...

Children...

Children...

When we arrive in this world, magic is all around us.

You simply have to see a baby discover a butterfly

or a toddler splash in the bath for the first time.

Yet, as the years pass,

simple pleasures aren't quite so simple to find.

Myths and legends fall away.

Santa's secrets are revealed, card tricks lose their fascination.

True wonder is hard to come by.

But there's always...

Magic at the movies.

Pirate ships, bicycles that fly, angels earn their wings,

beautiful women marry handsome men, and we all learn...

There's no place like home.

To destroy that magic, to shatter those moments,

to me is a sin so grave as to be almost incomprehensible.

If there truly is a phantom, my young friends,

I assure you...

It most definitely is not me.

Has anyone seen Caitlin? She's supposed to be

hanging around for the premiere, but I can't find her.

I don't know if this is a sick joke or what,

but Shawn's gone again.

-And Nedermayer just called again. -They should cancel this premiere.

Seriously! I mean, once I heard...

Terri! All right, this is the biggest thing that's ever happened at the Grande.

No one's gonna cancel it.

How're we doing on clearing out the place?

-You mean emptying the theaters? -Yeah.

Well, lower level's done.

This level, Floodgate's got 10 minutes left.

Martian Mountain gets out at 11:15.

Lacy's checking the rest.

-All right, go check the bathrooms. -All right.

WOMAN: Oh!

Oh, excuse me, children.

Excuse me, will one of you please tell me

where I might find your manager, Shawn MacGibbon.

-Uh, Shawn? -Mmm-hmm.

Well, Shawn could be just about anywhere right now.

May I help you? I'm the assistant manager, Pete Riley.

And I, child, am Ms. Tory Hicks. Perhaps you've heard of me. Hmm?

Perhaps not. In any case, I have Ms. Madison Ashley Metz,

Mr. Jacob Johnson, and numerous other very unhappy clients

outside in their limousines,

begging to know when we will be getting this painfully amateur show on the road.

Soon, really soon, we promise.

Oh, it had better be soon.

My boy, if I don't receive a personal welcome at my limousine

from your Shawn MacGibbon, I will be taking all of my clients

back to LA before you can say "Heads will roll!"

Pleasure meeting you, darling.

Do give your manager my message. Mmm-hmm?

You guys, Pete, hurry!

Donny Hollie's about to pound the life out of Ricky

because Donny pulled the laser sword out of the meteor

and now he wants his free movie passes,

but nobody can find Shawn, and Ricky's telling Donny that...

You'll get your stupid passes, but I can't give them to you tonight!

Then let me stay for the premiere. She gets to stay.

She and Lisa have tickets!

We're all booked out. There are no more seats!

So, I'll stand.

Hello! Fire code regulations. Ever heard of them?

We overbook and get totally shut down.

They don't care how many Hollywood stars are here.

They'll cancel the whole event!

How about you leave, and I'll stay?

PETE: What are you doing, Donny?

You're running a contest.

I won the contest, and I want my prize.

You'll get your prize, tomorrow, but right now you gotta leave.

Make me.

(FIRE ALARM RINGING)

I gotta deal with this, Donny, then I'll be back to personally toss you out.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Folks, please, if you would just listen to me.

I am very, very sorry the fire sprinklers malfunctioned.

You're welcome to fill out complaints or refund forms,

but please, try and understand, I have to clear the lobby.

We have a special event starting in a half an hour,

and I need your full cooperation.

Oh, man. Mark, take over.

You mean me?

All right, folks, I'm really, really sorry,

you're gonna have to clear, please.

We have this really, really big premiere starting...

-What are you doing back? -Back? We never left.

What happened to Mom?

We were hoping you'd tell us.

She hasn't shown up yet?

No, but the good news is, we've ID'd the Phantom.

It's Merle!

Why would Merle be the Phantom?

Come on! We'll show you.

Remember what he said up in the projection booth

about being under-appreciated,

everything's too computerized, all that junk?

-Uh-huh. -Come on, hurry, right this way.

Karen and me came in here looking for you and...

What happened to the emergency running lights along the floor?

-Wait... -(ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)

ANNOUNCER: It started as a movie, but now it's real!

-(EVIL LAUGHING) -(ALL GASP)

This thing, this trailer, it's been running over and over in here.

Who else but Merle could rig up something like this?

Who else but him could do any of it?

Brian said the lights and projectors are tied to the computers up there.

Yeah, but Merle's not gonna risk his job

to do something stupid like this. He's been here forever.

Maybe that's the problem.

Maybe he finally wants to be appreciated and recognized.

Like Willie Gaines in The Last Woodcarver?

Maybe you two guys have seen way too many movies.

(TRAILER RESTARTS)

On the other hand, I don't think it would hurt to check Merle out.

Hey! What are you doing over there, Phantom?

Excuse me?

I'm really sorry, Merle.

My slightly demented little brother has himself convinced

you're the Phantom of the Megaplex.

Hey, catch this. He's still got that creepy trailer playing down there.

No, actually, I'm workin' my buns off trying to shut the darn thing down.

What's the problem? I thought you were a master at all this stuff.

Brian! You're being really rude! Now will you cool it?

The fact is, I don't know how this trailer got onto my reels,

and I can't figure out how it's programmed to keep repeating.

A likely story.

Listen, kid. If you don't back off and give me a chance to sort this out,

we're not gonna have a premiere, because I won't be able to run the print!

Which conveniently makes you look like a big hero

for getting it all fixed in time!

BOTH: Brian!

Come on. We got our guy right here.

Why don't you two wanna do anything about it?

-Brian? -No, listen to me!

Brian, look!

Whoa! He's real.

Well, duh.

Come on!

Okay, so, I was wrong.

Love to stay and help you fix the computer and everything,

but I'm pretty sure Pete needs me more.

Yeah, you really called it, huh, Bri?

Yeah, it's definitely Merle.

Great job. Nobody's home.

I don't see you coming up with any brilliant answers.

(BRIAN COUGHING)

All right, I surrender.

Maybe you guys with all your movie knowledge

do know more about this than I do.

So, how are we gonna find out who the Phantom really is?

Okay, we need to apply cinematic logic.

Is anybody around this place hooked up to the Internet?

It's a major megaplex about to host a major premiere.

Wouldn't you think that somebody would pick up a ringing phone?

He said he'll be done in five minutes.

George, you don't understand. I'm never late.

Those kids must think I'm in a ditch somewhere.

If they were worried, wouldn't they have beeped you?

You're right, they must be dead.

Why else wouldn't I have heard from them by now?

I'm really trying to follow this.

You need to use Shawn's computer why?

Listen, everything the Phantom's done so far tonight

had to do with the movies playing in the theaters he's attacked.

Now, if we wanna know what he's got planned for the premiere,

we've gotta find out the plot of Midnight Mayhem.

Okay, nobody knows that. That's the whole deal.

I mean, they've been keeping the story top secret.

Isn't he cute when he's naive?

Ever heard of spoiler sites on the Internet?

Let me just tell you, a movie geek's paradise.

Every secret Hollywood has, these guys know.

Shawn?

(DOOR CREAKING)

Whoa!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Don't you wish all this creepiness was near the end, sweetie?

It's way stressing not knowing who's doing it.

(THUDDING)

What the heck was that?

It came from in there.

Hello? Is anybody in there?

(WHISPERING) It's the Phantom.

-What do we do? -I don't know!

(LOUDLY) Come out or we'll call the police!

-(SCREAMING) -Please don't call the cops!

My mom would so ground me.

I didn't even want to stay! I swear. It was all April's idea.

Relax. We were only trying to crash the premiere.

Well, you and everybody else in town.

But without a ticket, no go.

Told you, April.

(BOTH SIGHING IN RELIEF)

I came up to call Nedermayer, I was jumped from behind, again,

I was blindfolded, handcuffed, and hung on the door

like a bag of dry cleaning.

Well, if the Phantom's not Movie Mason and it's not Merle,

then we're running out of suspects.

Here you all are. Great. Nedermayer's limo's on the approach.

Nedermayer is to know nothing of our troubles here tonight.

-Are we clear? -Yes, sir.

Good. We are going to act as if everything is absolutely perfect,

while praying that it actually will be.

CAITLIN: Pete!

Oh! Oh!

This way.

Ah, Mr. Nedermayer!

Welcome, welcome, welcome, sir.

How glorious to have you here this evening,

along with your entourage.

And Mr. Tyler Jesseman. I...

What an honor.

What a thrill. I have not missed a single one of your films, sir.

Crow Catchers, Dead and Gone. Classics, classics!

Hello, Lamonica.

Are you as thrilled about this evening as we are, sir?

All preparations proceeding apace, McGreavey?

MacGibbon, sir, and yes, they are.

We could not possibly have it more under control.

Lacy?

Lacy, no!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

BRIAN: At the big climax, the mayhem monster

traps a bunch of kids in the school auditorium,

then starts growing so big he completely sucks the air out of the place.

Oh, yeah, that should be real easy for our Phantom to pull off.

Well, you know he's gonna try something like it.

Come on. Let's go warn Pete.

-Wait your turn! -Sorry, sir.

-All right, MacCarthy... -MacGibbon.

Since you don't have any answers

as to why our balloons became water balloons,

perhaps you can answer this.

Who told you to remove

the incredibly expensive Mayhem Monster from my roof?

I didn't remove it, sir.

It's up there, still, exactly the way you wanted it to be.

And I'm telling you that 10 minutes ago when I came in, it wasn't there!

-Pardon me! -(YELPS) Excuse me.

Wolfgang, I am simply stopping in to say good-bye.

Ms. Tory Hicks!

The woman who brought the tinsel to Tinseltown.

-Of course you know Tyler Jesseman. -Yes.

Good-bye? What do you mean, good-bye?

Just because I call my people cattle does not mean they can be treated as such.

We've been outside cooling our heels in the limos for three quarters of an hour.

Are you opening these doors or aren't you?

All right, McGreavey. You heard Ms. Hicks. Open those doors now!

I'll see if I can find out what happened to that monster.

MOVIE MASON: (SINGING) Hooray for Hollywood

That phony, super-Coney, Hollywood

They come from Chillicothe and Paducahs

With their bazookas

To get their name up in lights

Hooray for Hollywood

You may be homely in your neighborhood

But if you think that you can be an actor

See Mr. Factor He'd make a monkey look good

Within a half an hour

You'll look like Tyrone Power

ALL: Hooray for Hollywood

-(ALL CHEERING) -WOMAN: Movie Mason!

We love you!

What are you doing?

Entertaining your neglected guests.

Listen here, you freakshow, I could have sworn

I told you to keep away from here this evening.

Is there a problem?

Stay out of this, lady.

-(PEOPLE GASP) -(CAMERAS CLICKING)

-Madison Ashley Metz. -Ashley! Over here, Ashley.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Ms. Metz. ALL: Oh!

WOMAN: It's Ms. Metz.

It's... You're...

You're her.

Can I introduce my friend to you, Ms. Madison Ashley Metz?

Oh...

You two...

What, you two know each other?

This is her hometown.

She virtually grew up in this theater.

In fact, Movie Mason was the very first one

who encouraged me to become an actress.

Oh. (CHUCKLING)

Swell. I...

If you'd be a sweetie and open the doors,

my escort and I are more than ready to go in and take our seats.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Please, a picture? Who designed your dress?

PHOTOGRAPHERS: Ashley!

Excuse me. I know that my timing couldn't be worse.

I'm Pete Riley's mom, and I don't want to get in

to see the premiere, I really don't.

I just desperately need to find my kids.

We're excited to have Ms. Metz here...

Pete!

We've been looking everywhere for you.

Brian found out the Midnight Mayhem climax.

Well, guess what? Now the giant monster balloon, the one from the roof?

It's gone and nobody can find the roof level key.

Wait a minute!

Could this be it?

KAREN: Why would anyone steal a balloon that's bigger than a house?

Where would you hide it?

What would you do with it?

Yeah, well, they totally had to let the air out of it

to get it down from here.

You know, guys, I'm really sorry I haven't

taken your opinions more seriously tonight.

Tonight? You never do.

Okay, maybe I've just been so wrapped up with work and stuff

that I haven't bothered to notice that you two are growing up to be...

Incredibly intelligent?

Amazingly good-looking?

A pretty impressive team.

I hate to say this, but I probably could learn a few things

from hanging out with you guys.

Well, duh, we're the funnest people you know.

Aw, come here.

(EVIL LAUGHING)

(KIDS SCREAM)

KAREN: What's going on? What's happening? PETE: Wait.

-Hey, ouch! -BRIAN: What's that?

PETE: Watch it! KAREN: Pete?

-Brian! -(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

PETE: What's going on? KAREN: Who's there?

-What's going on? -KIDS: Ow!

-KAREN: (SCREAMS) What's happening? -(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

Great.

Guys, what just happened?

BRIAN: I'm betting we've been phantomized.

(PETE SIGHS)

-You look so wonderful. -Nice to see you.

Great. I've seen Katey Sagal, I've seen LeVar Burton,

but I haven't spotted a single one of my own kids.

Oh! Wait, there's somebody who might be able to help.

Hillary. Hillary.

Hi, Julie Riley, Pete's mom.

How are you, Mrs. R.? I didn't know you were coming tonight.

Yeah, well, neither did I.

Listen, I'm looking for Pete's little brother and sister.

You wouldn't happen to know where they might be?

The way things have been going around here tonight,

I couldn't even begin to guess.

(SIGHS) Okay.

PETE: Okay. We have to shuffle an inch at a time

until one of us hits that pipe with the valve.

BRIAN: How do we know we don't shuffle right off the roof?

Don't worry. There are guardrails.

KAREN: Okay. I get that we're looking for this valve.

Now explain to me what happens once we find it.

PETE: Look, you think you two are the only movie buffs?

This is like James Raymond in Huey's Cove.

BRIAN: Oh, yeah, exactly! He's trapped in the fisherman's net

but gets himself to the coral reef.

PETE: And uses it to open the net.

Okay. We've gotta move right to get to the pipe.

-Over... Over... Over... -BRIAN: Wait a minute...

-(ALL GRUNTING) -KAREN: Where is it? Where's the valve?

PETE: Brian, get your elbow out of... Wait!

I found them! I found the valve. Okay, guys.

We're gonna drop right now. Okay.

ALL: Whoa!

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

WOMAN: This is gonna be great. I'm so excited. I really...

Hi, nice to meet you.

NEDERMAYER: Folks! (CLEARS THROAT)

Ladies and gentlemen, could you take your seats, please?

Thanks. Everybody, take a seat.

I would like to welcome you

to what I know will be an enjoyable and exciting event.

Since we're all anxious to start,

let me introduce the director of our film, Mr. Tyler Jesseman!

(ALL CHEERING)

Ooh-ooh! Uh... (CHUCKLES)

Thank you very, very, very, very much for being here.

I know that some of you have traveled a long way to do so.

The hour is late, so without further ado, let the mayhem begin!

(GROWLING)

(NERVOUS CHATTERING)

WOMAN: Up above!

(ALL GASPING)

-(GROWLING) -(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Not on my hair! My hair!

(SCREAMING)

MAN: This way. Hold the door. Take hold of my hand.

We're out of here.

Go get the driver! Enough is enough!

BRIAN: Man, is this getting old!

PETE: Brian, get your elbow out of my back!

It's not me!

PETE: Karen! KAREN: Sorry!

Where is it? Where's the valve?

PETE: Looking for this valve... Wait. Is that it?

Yes! That's it!

-This way! This way! -(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Go that way!

PETE: Down a little! Down a little!

Okay.

(ALL GRUNTING)

Okay, I almost got it. Almost got it. I got it!

(SIGHS) I got it. All right, come on.

Nice job, Pete.

Thanks. But we've still got to head off the Phantom's finale.

You're positive it's him?

You're the ones with all the clues. I just added them up.

They've already gotten to the scary parts!

-Man, this movie must rock! -Ow!

What do we do? It's blocked!

All right, let's go. You want to solve a problem,

you gotta get some perspective on it.

KAREN: Yeah, hurry!

(GUESTS SCREAMING)

Holy schnitzel!

What are we supposed to do now?

May I offer a suggestion?

Mason! Where did you come from?

I left Ms. Metz to use the restroom, and all heck broke loose.

If you're willing to take advice from an old-timer,

we might just be able to save the day!

It won't come out, Mason.

-Keep at it, lad! -(GRUNTING)

Riley, what are you doing?

I'm trying to pull this thing out.

But you know that only happens every 10,000 tugs,

and stupid Donny Hollie had it out an hour ago.

Yeah, well, you can keep pulling till your arms fall off...

Or you can do this.

Whoa!

Thanks, bro. Mason, let's go.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Where do you suppose the kids are in all this?

There's one of them!

Geronimo!

(AIR HISSING)

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

BRIAN: Pete!

Look!

You go take care of that monkey.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(PHANTOM LAUGHS)

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

(ALL GASP)

The only reason I'm not arresting you for malicious mischief

is because I still have a premiere to get underway.

But mark my words!

I intend to ensure that your life becomes as miserable

as you've made mine tonight.

Not only are you fired and banned from these premises for life,

but I'll ensure that you never again work in any theater in any city in this state!

Is that clear, McNall?

MacGibbon.

MacGibbon! For once in your life, get it right!

My name is... Ding!

Shawn MacGibbon,

and I did all this tonight just so you would finally notice me!

But you don't care. You've never cared. (LAUGHS)

You think Lamonica will be a better GM than I will?

So be it. But don't come crying to me when you find out that you're wrong!

(CROWD MURMURING)

Mr. MacGibbon!

You know what I was saying up on the roof about lightening up a little?

That's a good thing, right?

-Yes! -Yes!

I'm 17, not 70.

I mean, aren't I supposed to be enjoying myself?

Totally!

And I know the perfect way for you to start.

You can talk Mom into letting Karen and me stay for the premiere.

-Will you, Pete? Please? -Please?

I'm telling you, it'll write itself.

Phantom of the Megaplex: The Shawn MacGibbon Story.

You'll come to LA, we'll be partners.

You mean it?

Of course I do!

Now do me a favor, partner.

Run and fetch me a hot cup of coffee, two creams.

I'll meet you in the show. I love ya! Love you!

(SIGHS)

All we need now is a four-star Hollywood ending.

All right.

How 'bout this?

Just because a plant is healthy, alone in its pot,

that doesn't mean it's entirely happy.

Julie, if you'll have me,

I would really love to become a part of this amazing family.

I... Unfortunately, I don't have a ring yet.

Pardon me, sir. May I offer you this loaner?

I have a lot of props around just in case of emergencies.

GEORGE: Julie,

will you marry me?

(MOUTHING)

How can I resist?

(ALL CHEERING)

Ah! Mr. Riley,

now, with Shawn gone and Lamonica moving up,

I'm going to need a new senior manager.

Money, money. Longer hours. What do you say?

Absolutely, sir. I'd be honored.

But...

I'm afraid I have to turn you down.

Excuse me?

I'm sorry. I guess what I figured out tonight

is that I need to spend more time having a life.

In fact, Mr. Nedermayer, I'd really like the rest of the night off.

I think I deserve it.

Oh, you do, do you?

Good! Because I think so, too. (CHUCKLING)

Here. Take your girl out to a lovely breakfast

after the picture. On me.

You saved my skin tonight, Riley.

I appreciate it.

All right, everybody, let's go in and enjoy the show!

-Ah, Lamonica! -Yes.

We're gonna use Theater 2.

I want you to run up to the projection booth and tell Merle.

Okay.

Not that I'm in over my head here,

but where the devil is the projection booth?

Okay, littles. Say good night to your brother.

It's time to hit the road.

Actually, Mom, I was thinking

it might be really nice if you let Brian and Karen

stay for the premiere.

I know it's late, but it's summer.

Tomorrow they can sleep in as long as they need to.

Besides...

If it wasn't for their detective work, we probably wouldn't even have a premiere.

What do you say?

Please?

Yeah, come on, Mom. Please?

You're not afraid they're gonna cramp your style?

Are you kidding? We're teaching him style!

Oh!

Sad but true.

Admit it, Mom. We all really need to be together tonight.

And what better place for us than the movies?

GEORGE: He does have a point, hon.

All right, all right, all right.

-We can stay? -Yes! Come on.

-Yes! -Let's go.

Enjoy the show, sir. You enjoy the show.

Enjoy the show! (LAUGHS)

Enjoy the show.

You know, as long as I've been around this place,

I never really believed in the Phantom of the Megaplex.

Now, the Werewolf of the Megaplex...

(GASPS)

That's a different story entirely!

(LAUGHING)

(WOLF HOWLING)