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-[upbeat dance music] -[audience applauding]

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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, here she is,

the hilarious Kathy Griffin!

[audience cheering]

[Kathy] Whoa, whoa, this isn'’t where the story starts.

Let'’s take it back to the very beginning.

[ominous music]

[camera shutter clicking]

Comics have a real role in social expression.

I started thinking about that Megyn Kelly thing.

Blood coming out of her eyes,

blood coming out of her everywhere.

This is fake blood, just so you know.

[dramatic percussion]

[female reporter] The image went viral,

Kathy Griffin holding a bloody likeness

of President Donald Trump'’s head.

[male reporter] The President did tweet moments ago,

"Kathy Griffin should be ashamed of herself."

[female reporter] Her cross-country comedy tour was canceled.

[female reporter] This is vile and wrong.

[male reporter] Disgusting but not surprising.

[male reporter] Was done to provoke.

[male reporter 2] Creating a backlash...

She'’s now seeing the reaction.

[Kathy] If you didn'’t like that picture, that'’s fine,

but that picture was legal.

It'’s very much covered by the first amendment.

[reporter] CNN fired her from a decade-long gig

hosting New Years Eve.

[Kathy] Banned for life from CNN, and that'’s just weird.

[reporter] Anderson didn'’t just say he didn'’t like it.

Anderson went after her.

Everybody'’s a hypocrite

because everybody'’s imagined themselves

standing there with his head.

At least half the country.

[camera shutter clicking]

Whether this is art or a bad joke,

the Secret Service says it can'’t afford to take any chances.

The FBI was contacting me.

"You'’re under what'’s called a credible threat."

The death threats that I'’m getting are constant.

I was detained at every single airport that I went to.

She deserves everything that'’s coming to her.

The President and his family are personally trying

to decimate me, as well as the Department of Justice.

No way was it a proportional response.

It is historic.

And it got so crazy.

I really just start to think, I'’ve gotta make this funny.

Even though you watch FOX News and I made a photo

that offended a lot of people, you support me.

You'’re with me 100%.

[laughs]

Go on, don'’t hold back lady, go on.

I do support you, but not in that instance.

-There are limits! -Excuse me,

who is this?

The other night you were screaming in the phone.

You should of seen her, she calls me, she goes,

"I am not supporting you on this.

Not one bit.

You are on your own.

And why won'’t Bill O'’Reilly come back from vacation?"

That'’s what you said.

I said I cannot condone it.

Well you know what, guess what, it'’s America.

I don'’t need you to condone everything I do, Mother.

Sometimes you still have to have boundaries.

-I'’ve always taught you about... -Mother!

I'’m always talking to her about boundaries.

[people clapping]

Booo, booo!

That'’s exactly what I said.

Ow, she hit me!

I'’m sorry, nails, I just had my nails done.

She scratched me in the face.

No, that'’s exactly what I told her.

All right, and if you could say--

My heart bleeds for you.

But if you could say...

Mother, look in the camera

and say whatever you wanna say to Sean Hannity.

Sean, I was terribly upset that what an angry way

and terrible things you talked about Kathy.

I thought it was very ungallant for a man.

-Sorry she swore. -So spiteful.

Honest to God, it'’s the truth.

I didn'’t tell him, but I was talking to the TV.

-I was very upset. -But you love Sean!

Well, I wanted to hear what they had to say.

I thought someone would stick up for you.

Sean, you thought Sean Hannity

-would stick up for me? -Well, I like Sean!

I never saw that side of him!

I think Sean'’s gonna take his beat down very seriously.

He'’s probably going to resign tomorrow, Sean.

I am not going to listen to Sean anymore.

Sean get the fuck out of that chair.

You shouldn'’t even have that piece of shit show

you fucking liar, all right, you propagandist?

Why don'’t you move to Kremlin

if you'’re so fucking in love with the Russians?

-Kathy, I'’m-- -Sorry.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!

Maggie and I were grabbing laughs where we could,

but in the midst of the scandal,

my sister Joyce was suffering through stage four cancer.

[somber music]

[hair clippers buzzing]

[Kathy] By the way I expect a hair campaign after this.

If I'’m ever not being federally investigated[laughs]

which, you know, happens.[laughs]

And to the point where you just live under

basic house arrest for a while

and don'’t know what to do

and then your dog dies, and then your sister gets cancer

and you'’re like fuck it, let'’s just shave my fucking head.

[laughs]

It'’s gonna be fine. I'’m fine!

You'’re the one who'’s crazy.

So what I do, and what got me in trouble,

is I do shocking pictures, or I tell a crazy joke,

just to shake people and go,

hey, look over here for a second,

this crazy thing is happening.

Surprise!

What did you do?

I shaved my head in solidarity with Joyce!

Oh, god, Kathy.

I know, feel it!

I know, yeah!

You know, a lot of people do this with their hair,

as a problem or whatever.

I just wanted to do it for her,

to show that I was with her

and then I said I'’ll go through the no hair first

and then I'’ll tell you what it'’s like.

Oh, that'’s nice Kath, that'’s nice, that'’s great.

We gotta stick together!

But don'’t ask me to shave mine.

You'’re next!

We'’re gonna start downstairs.

-All right. -OK!

Great.

[somber music]

There is no situation that doesn'’t need comedy

and honestly like, if I can be sort of serious for a second,

I really do feel like the whole world is

scared shitless right now

and I do think Trump is one of the biggest reasons.

[Kathy] We'’ve all dealt with multiple obstacles

and heartbreaks in life that happen concurrently.

So I did what I'’ve always done,

and jumped back into what I know best,

getting back to basics and doing live standup comedy shows.

I knew I couldn'’t get work in the United States.

So, I dusted myself off, started working the phones,

and planned an 18-country overseas tour.

What you don'’t see after this

is that I was detained by Homeland Security.

Yeah, I made my flight.

But when we landed in Auckland, New Zealand,

I was detained there as well.

This became a pattern.

[dramatic percussion]

The theater'’s gorgeous.

I am so happy to have the opportunity to

It'’s me, Kathy Griffin, international superstar,

and controversial comedian.

And I'’m glad to be here.

So, that'’s what I'’m giving thanks for, how about that?

[upbeat music]

[crowd cheering]

Auckland!

[crowd cheering]

[Randy] Kathy had a Trump supporter come to the show

last night and threw a ketchup bottle at her onstage.

Luckily, it didn'’t hit her,

but it could have been a ketchup bottle one night,

and we don'’t know what'’s gonna happen the next show,

or the next show after that.

So we'’ll try to take every precaution possible,

but it is alarming and she'’s scared,

and just wanna make sure she'’s OK.

[dramatic piano music]

[Randy] Like anyone, Kathy has her ups and downs.

But when she has a performance,

she bounces back quickly.

Miss, it'’s me, Kathy Griffin, from fame.

Kathy Griffin from the United States,

we'’re sorry about the President!

I'’m sorry about the President!

I didn'’t vote for him!

I mean Tru, not Tru, oh boy.

Hello, it'’s me Kathy Griffin.

It'’s me, Kathy Griffin,

I'’ll be at the Opera House on Saturday!

Oh how many times has the headliner

from the Opera House said hello?

Film that!

At least wave for God'’s sake.

Yay, oh sorry about Trump!

Sorry, totally our fault, I'’m sorry.

He'’s crazy, he'’s crazy, all right.

Fans everywhere.

[Kathy] Even on my day off, I'’m a people person.

I love people, and people love me.

Um, OK, so I'’m impulsive.

So I saw that guy walking down the street

with an anti-gay marriage T-shirt,

but like really big letters, did you see that?

So it said like No Gay Marriage,

so I tried to engage with him, and just say,

I'’m just curious what your opinion is,

and he was like very stiff,

and then finally he went, "One man, one woman, children."

And then I tried to go, "Well what if the children like

really need parents, and they'’re sick,

like wouldn'’t you rather have the child,"

and I go, "I respect you have an opinion,"

but he was very hardcore.

And I cannot honestly say I changed a mind.

I'’m a little nervous to run into him on the way back,

but I tried.

[Kathy] Well, once I was in Australia,

there were no more airport detentions.

I had amazing audiences in Brisbane and Perth

and two sold-out shows in Melbourne.

I didn'’t have a care in the world.

I was having a great time and making my fans laugh.

Look at me dance!

I forgot all about my problems!

Next stop, Singapore.

[crowd cheering]

-[upbeat dance music] -Hey, Singapore!

Hold it, hold it.

Let'’s go back just a second.

Oh yeah. Went to Singapore and guess what?

I was held for six hours.

That'’s right, left by myself in a detention room.

They took my passport, took my phone, took my SIM card.

Then, after hours, they gave it back to me

with no explanation as usual.

-[crowd cheering] -[upbeat dance music]

The audience in Singapore let me do three hours of standup.

I was so excited after that,

I wanted to do a little sightseeing.

So it'’s very, very hot and humid here.

So I insisted on having like a real Singapore experience

so we just at some place called the, um--

[cameraman] Newton Circus.

The Newton Circus, and it was really good food, delicious.

And then strangers offered me like part of their food.

'’Cause I was like, "Hi, I'’m American,

I apologize for Trump of course."

And they just gave me free food.

But in addition, I bought some food.

But them something'’s kinda coming over me

with like the humidity or whatever.

So we'’re trying to do one of our long walks but I'’m--

[cameraman] All right, we gotta get out of here

and get you safe, OK?

[Kathy] OK.

[cameraman] I'’m gonna turn off the camera now.

[Kathy] All right.

[cameraman] All right, cool down.

[dramatic music]

[dramatic percussion]

So, I had a show in Dublin last night.

And, the New York Times was there, which I didn'’t know.

And I'’m not kidding, it was the weirdest show I'’ve ever had

in my whole career, not just the tour.

Here'’s the title of the article,

"Kathy Griffin'’s Wild Show: Defiant, Shaken, then Fainting."

I did faint, in the wings.

Not on stage though.

I didn'’t wanna be that person.

Here'’s the first line of the review,

"Dublin. Every era gets the Lenny Bruce it deserves.

Ours is Kathy Griffin."

I mean, you can'’t write that shit.

Someone did.

"But counting out a force of nature

like Ms. Griffin is a mistake."

You should read the New York Times.

It'’s filled with stories.

So here I am, working my butt off,

doing shows that are three hours long every night.

The audiences could not have been better.

But I'’ll be honest, every time I had a great show,

I hoped I would get a call from a network executive,

producer, or anyone who could get me a job in America.

But still, no calls came.

Ironically, I mean I kinda tweeted a little bit about it,

but ironically I'’ve got a couple of texts

from Alec Baldwin, who I consider to be a friend.

And one thing I'’ve never told anybody is,

ever since the famous Trump photo, May 31st,

the day that changed my life,

Alec Baldwin has been kind and was reaching out

and I have several texts from him saying,

"Lorne Michaels and I want you to do

the season premiere of SNL.

What you'’re going through isn'’t right.

Do you have ideas? We have ideas."

Anyway, I appreciate that Alec has been texting

somewhat regularly and checking in,

but as you know, obviously I didn'’t do Saturday Night Live.

And I have to be honest,

it'’s one of those things where once again,

when I say no one'’s lifted a finger,

I mean, a lot of people have reached out and been wonderful,

but none of the people who could actually

affect a little bit of change

where I could go back to the States and make a living,

or at least feel safe, have lifted a finger.

And frankly I thought, yeah, if I could just do a walk-on,

or one sketch, in Saturday Night Live,

with all of those other great comedians

surrounding me basically, or being in their company,

could have really made a change.

And that would have, in my opinion,

that would have meant lifting a finger.

And so, I'’m not saying it'’s Alec Baldwin'’s fault,

but it'’s definitely Lorne Michael'’s fault.

And you'’ve just seen why I'’m so beloved

by the Hollywood establishment.

[dramatic orchestral music]

I was getting hit on all sides from people in high places.

While on tour, TMZ'’s very own Harvey Levin,

the same Harvey Levin who had written

several hit pieces on me,

left me a message asking me if I had a minute to call him.

I don'’t have a minute to call him.

Maybe you do.

The reason I did that is that

during the entire Trump scandal,

I was docked so much

that people obviously got my phone number

and my address, and the Trumpers came after me.

And I just want you guys to know Harvey Levin,

Harvey Levin, a blogger, is very much in bed

with everybody from Hollywood to Donald Trump.

I'’m in front of the Vienna Opera House.

[cameraman] Wow.

And we'’re gonna go get some schnitzel

or something schnitzel-adjacent.

I might ask for tofu schnitzel.

[cameraman] Maybe a strudel?

Definitely apple strudel.

[cameraman] All right, bye!

Acthung!

[Kathy] Look at that crowd!

It took a team of people to get this thing together.

Actually, I have a confession.

This entire tour has just been Randy, me, and my assistant.

Yeah, just the three of us doing everything.

This was an awesome show

and Kathy'’s assistant decided to resign.

All I can say is that the show will go on.

We'’re very excited to go to Dusseldorf tomorrow,

and a show in Cologne, Germany on Monday night.

So, high drama

and the show must go on.

[hair dryer blowing]

All right, this is my Kathy Griffin

signature fluff-and-fold,

so here are the darks,

I'’m gonna put them on the towels for a minute.

And now, I'’m gonna do the whites.

So I'’ve already washed them in one sink,

and they'’re dripping wet,

so what I do is I put '’em in the dry sink,

and I fluffed '’em with my hands,

'’cause well my assistant quit last night,

at 2:30 in the morning.

So I'’m just gonna do laundry this way.

[hair dryer blowing]

Hey everybody, well, I'’m here in Cologne, Germany,

or as they call it, Koln.

And we drove from Dusseldorf.

That'’s right, Dusseldorf, which is not even in America.

And I have been tweeting on social media.

I'’m of course nervous because I'’m once again assuming

that they speak better English than I do,

and I'’m also nervous

because I'’m gonna talk about how much I like Angela Merkel

even though today in the news,

she had a vote that sort of didn'’t go her way

and I'’ve been told not to talk about it.

But, I'’m gonna tell them they'’re better off

with her than Trump.

I mean I think I'’m safe with that one.

Anyway, I'’m very excited to be performing

in this gorgeous venue.

I'’m gonna be honest, I don'’t know what the venue looks like.

Most gigs I do I just see the backstage, so,

I'’m sure it'’s lovely.

I mean it'’s European.

It'’s also raining like hell, and one person tweeted me

and they were pissed that I wasn'’t performing

at a theater near their train station.

You know, sorry.

I'’m doing the best I can.

The audience in Germany was great.

After that, we had Stockholm and Helsinki.

Two more countries in three days.

But you guys, it was bitter cold.

And it was just Randy and I.

I have to admit, with all the travel

and airport security issues,

it started to take a toll on me.

My first day off, I crashed.

[crying]

So, I'’m kind of having a moment

because of a lot of things.

So I can'’t sleep like this.

It'’s night after night

without being able to sleep.

And obviously it'’s getting to me,

and the time changes,

I'’m not able to get a hold of the folks

that I need to get a hold of.

I'’m working myself to the bone.

Like, really to the bone.

I get these bursts of strength and confidence

and I assert myself and it always results in a dogpile.

I can'’t even look online for news

without stumbling upon like fucked-up shit.

I'’m sure this is gonna play well.

It'’s cold this morning.

It'’s about 28 degrees.

Snow flurries, and not much open.

Gonna get some coffee, Kathy'’s resting.

Last night was a hard night for her.

She did two and a half hours

and I think her body is physically exhausted

and she'’s resting.

We have a travel day today.

[Kathy] It wasn'’t just a travel day.

Seeing this cheered me right up.

There were fabulous drag queens

waiting for me outside my show.

Hey, girls!

-Hello! -I love you!

[cameraman] Any messages for Kathy?

[cameraman] Last minute!

[crowd cheering]

[upbeat dance music]

[Randy] That'’s it for the tour.

No shows scheduled anymore currently,

so we'’re gonna enjoy it.

Go home and regroup

and relax after a successful trip.

And here'’s a view of the background.

Some boats,

some snow.

[Kathy] Look at that, people.

Granted, the weathers look rough,

but that is a beautiful venue.

And I get to play there.

After we do the laundry.

And who did the laundry last night, give me a little credit.

You did.

-[Kathy] That'’s right. -[crowd cheering]

You'’ve been an amazing audience!

It'’s the last night of the tour,

thank you so much for coming!

I love you guys, good night!

[crowd cheering]

So Randy and I made it back home.

And despite the negative news cycle spinnin'’ against me,

based on the strength of my international tour ticket sales,

and the support of my hardcore fans,

I was about to play over 30 cities across North America!

[hopeful instrumental music]

I'’m in the car with New York'’s finest female comics

and we just wanna say we fuckin'’ love you

and we'’re with you.

-We'’re with you! -You'’re hysterical.

-You'’re hilarious. -And you looked fucking great

in that picture by the way.

-Gorgeous all the way. -Yeah, you'’re so hot

and we love you and you make us laugh so much.

Love you.

[people in room] Yahoo!

[Kathy] Here comes the fun part.

You guys haven'’t seen the actual show yet,

I just realized that!

Ah, thank God the dress held up.

This is the last show on the tour,

and I got hair and makeup on,

and pretty lighting and oh!

There'’s a shiny floor and everything.

Here we go!

[crowd cheering]

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

here she is, the hilarious Kathy Griffin!

[crowd cheering]

[upbeat dance music]

How the hell are ya?

[crowd cheering]

Hello, thank you!

[crowd cheering]

You'’re here!

You actually came!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I hope you'’re in for a night of shit talkin'’

and scalding hot tea!

[crowd cheering]

This morning, and this is real,

this morning, I was woken up by the FBI,

so they came to my house,

and, for anyone who'’s watching this and thinking like

ugh, when is that bitch gonna stop talking

about that fucking picture, well it turns out,

well, guess who was on the MAGA bombers'’ target list?

[audience groaning]

Yes, so they showed up.

And when I say I'’m glad to be here like seriously,

I was afraid.

[audience laughing]

Let me sort of work backwards

and I'’m gonna be all over the map

because I'’m gonna tell you all of the horror

of the Trump stuff, because I honestly really believe

that if it happened to me, it could happen to you.

And it is happening to other people.

So, let me just start with how the picture

keeps getting like ginned up over and over, right?

OK, so besides the fact that the MAGA bomber

doesn'’t care for my work.

[audience laughing]

So anyway, a few months ago, remember the scandal

with The Rosanne Show getting canceled?

OK, and then if you remember

the very next day was what I call

the fake Samantha Bee full-frontal scandal.

Thank you, because that was a joke that was, I feel,

completely fair, and you know,

Feckless totally has it coming.

[audience laughing]

Now, so what happened is

this whole process,

this whole thing that I'’m gonna tell you about tonight,

is what I now call the Trump wood chipper.

And, D-list as I am,

I was the kind of the first like celebrity to be thrown

into the Trump wood chipper.

Because my photo, the infamous photo, which by the way,

was a mask with ketchup on it!

Can we be clear?

It was a mask with ketchup, I promise!

-[audience applauding] -[audience laughing]

So, I'’ve had to travel the world.

I started in Auckland, New Zealand.

I had to go to Reykjavik, Iceland to tell my dick jokes.

Reykjavik, Iceland, that'’s right.

I actually get offended when people are like,

"You got Dixie Chicked!"

And I'’m like, no no, I got Dixie Dicked, OK?

[audience laughing]

Everybody turned on me, left, right, center, the military.

Fuckin'’ Alyssa Milano tweeted against me.

Alyssa Milano for God'’s sake!

Here'’s the thing, you know the MAGAts, I call them MAGAts,

I don'’t mean Republicans, I mean like, you know,

the MAGA hat-wearing crazies, let'’s cut the shit,

they'’re all fuckin'’ nuts,

and they'’re not into readin'’ or writin'’.

[audience laughing]

Oh no, I know this is dark,

but I brought you one of my death threats.

[audience groaning]

Hold on, hear me out.

Only because it'’s a great example of how the MAGA fans,

the Trump fans, they'’re not really big on grammar.

[audience laughing]

Anyway, a few months ago,

we'’ve all had that time when you wake up

and there'’s too many texts on your phone, right?

Like that'’s not good!

It'’s good to get an occasional hello,

but when you'’re just flooded,

and don'’t ya like your friends that are nice and vague?

"Hey girl, are you OK?"

[audience laughing]

"OMG call me"

[audience laughing]

"I'’m here if you need to talk."

All right, just fuckin'’ tell me who died.

So, what happened was,

it turned out that the Roseanne scandal had happened,

and Samantha Bee the next day,

and so, then Sarah Fuckabee Sanders decided to just...

[audience laughing]

Yes fuck her, fuck that liar.

She is a liar!

[audience cheering]

She is lying to us!

Oh I'’m going hard for all of them.

I don'’t give a fuck anymore.

I'’m going for everybody and anybody,

and fuck her for knowing she'’s lying and still lying,

and I know this is vicious, but I'’m gonna go there

because they go there,

does one gay here have one goddamn belt to give that bitch?

One belt, one belt for Sarah Fuckabee,

even a pillow has to be defined.

I said it, I said it.

And I know when my beloved Michelle Obama says,

"When they go low, we go high."

Michelle, I love you, take the night off.

Cause I'’m fuckin'’ down in the mud

with the pigs where I belong.

Rolling around, rolling around, look at me.

[audience cheering]

Right where I belong, what made me a star goddammit.

[audience laughing]

All right, so we have a precedent,

and I use that word because he tweeted one time

"I'’m so proud to be your precedent."

I'’m like oh that shit sticks with me honey.

That sticks.

You are the precedent now and forever.

And when he twatted on the Twitter machine,

"I'’m so happy the First Lady Melanie is coming home today,"

you know, from the tit job.

Allegedly, allegedly.

I have no proof, I'’m alleging.

[audience laughing]

And I thought, all right, she'’s Melanie from now on.

And also, fuck her.

So I know some of the gays wanna make her over

cause she'’s fierce, no.

She'’s 45-year-old grown woman, she'’s a birther,

I threw up a clip on my Twitter saying how she'’s a birther,

and fuck her with that green jacket.

I Really Don'’t Care do you, yes, I do care,

and I know you care too, Melanie!

[audience cheering]

All right so, could of weeks ago Don Jr. comes at me,

and I love when all these middle-aged white guys

try to go comedically toe-to-toe with me, right,

they think it'’s gonna go their way.

So Don Jr. Tweets,

"The reason you don'’t have a special isn'’t

because you'’re a woman.

It'’s because you'’re not a good comedian.

It'’s really that simple."

And then I just wrote back,

"FYI, they don'’t have Netflix in prison."

-[audience applauding] -[audience laughing]

Which is true.

Oh, he got me!

Oh and we'’ll get to Stormy in a minute,

I became friends with Stormy Daniels!

[audience applauding]

She came to my Boston show.

They snuck her back into my dressing room!

And there she was with the tits and the hair

and the smile in all of her glory,

and I go, "Hi Thelma, it'’s me Louise,

let'’s take this fucker down."

[audience applauding]

And, OK so, she couldn'’t have been nicer

and more fun and everything so,

you know I had to drag her, like into a private room

and get the real deal.

First of all I said to her,

"Did you want me to call you Stephanie or Stormy?"

And she goes, "Stormy, I earned it!"

And I go,

She goes, "I'’ve sucked over 180,000 cocks."

[slow clapping]

Half the gay guys here are like, "And?"

[audience laughing]

And I said, "Look, I know you'’re gonna testify for Mueller,

or maybe you have, I'’m not gonna ask,

but I have to like,

you have to tell me how bad the dick is.

Because I'’m picturing like zigzags

and skin tags coming off"

[audience groaning and laughter]

I love your reaction because Stormy,

who'’s sucked 180,000 cocks, kept going, "Ew!"

And I go, I'’m sorry, are you overreacting,

because you'’re going, "Ew!"

And she was like, "Ew, it was the worst one I'’ve ever seen!"

I'’m like, "What?"

So then she'’s telling me about the mushroom cap.

And I'’m like oh, I hate that feeling where it pops in

but then you'’ve gotta worry about the pop out

because it might have,

[audience laughing]

You know, it'’s fun goin'’ in

but you gotta think about the exit.

I have to say it was pretty impressive

that I made Stormy Daniels think of his cock

and go "Ew!"

You'’re welcome.

[audience laughing]

All right, so, Sarah Fuckabee goes before

the White House press briefing room yet again,

and she tries to tie in Samantha Bee to Roseanne,

which are completely apples and oranges and here'’s why,

number one, if there'’s one thing I know

it'’s low-budget cable.

[audience laughing]

When she called Ivanka a feckless cunt,

fair game, fair game!

Hear me out.

First of all, you can say the C-word, all right?

And I admit, I told you I'’m gonna admit all of my foibles,

I admit I totally have a double-standard.

Like I'’m one of those women that if you'’re my girlfriend

and we wanna call each other cunts I think it'’s great,

but if you'’re a guy I'’m like, how dare you?

So, I admit it.

All right, so, what I think is funny though,

is that I actually think the Trumpers

were more upset about the C-word

because I don'’t think they know what feckless means.

[audience laughing]

That'’s a big college word, that'’s a big college word.

And I would be more insulted if someone called me feckless,

implying I couldn'’t do my job.

And I'’d be like excuse me, I take issue with that.

I'’m a cunt, but I'’m a very good comedian,

I know what I'’m doing, I have a lot of experience.

How dare you, take it back!

[audience applauding]

Oh my god, I love you guys.

All right, so here'’s the joke that Samantha Bee did

and I'’m gonna do the joke for you,

and I'’m gonna defend it and here'’s why,

because number one,

you don'’t want the President of the United States

deciding what television shows you watch,

so I learned, like I said, I was the test case,

and now I'’m on this mission to make sure that they never,

ever are allowed to do to anyone else

what they did to me.

Not Michelle Wolf

from the White House Correspondents'’ Dinner,

not Samantha Bee, not anybody.

Not someone in entertainment, not in any field!

Not on my watch, no more, no way!

[audience cheering]

No way, that is some bull shit.

So like I said, Samantha Bee does this joke.

Now it was very early on in the border crisis.

And I think a lot of you would agree that

out of all the heinous things he'’s done,

that is right up there.

I mean three of those children have died,

and it'’s something I just, I'’m not a religious person,

but God forgive us for that.

So what Samantha Bee said,

and she does a political satirical show.

So she said, "Mom to mom, let me say something to you

feckless cunt, put on a tight dress, push your tits up

and go sit on daddy'’s lap and bounce until you fix it."

[audience laughing]

Now, number one, they bleeped the C-word.

Also, she is completely feckless.

I know Feckless, I have met her,

you know, it'’s like talking to a bag of Xanax,

I'’ll just tell you right now, it is.

Allegedly.

I am not saying she takes five to ten Xanax a day.

I'’m saying she reminds me of someone who does.

[audience laughing]

Oh my god, one time,

I was a part of a different challenge on The Apprentice,

and Trump tried to put me next to Feckless.

And so she was saying things like,

"You know, I think...

you should try a rosé-colored nail po..."

I was just like, let'’s go.

Honey, I got places to be.

[audience laughing]

You seen the husband?

Jared Kushner?

Yes, soon-to-be imprisoned?

Hopefully, hopefully.

[audience applauding]

I can dream!

I don'’t get the Kush thing.

He'’s got the drag queen eyebrows,

he looks like he gets 17 facials a day.

Like his skin is,

it'’s like he just took off a facial mask

of his whole body every second,

no matter what time you catch him.

And he'’s supposed to be this genius, right?

And so, remember the time

he just randomly took to the podium

on the front White House lawn?

[high pitched yelling]

He'’s got a very odd way of talking where he

opens his whole mouth like this

but his voice is high.

Like fuckin'’ Alvin and the Chipmunks.

I don'’t know what she sees in him.

I don'’t get it but I'’m not buyin'’

that he'’s like the hot one.

[audience laughing]

Not only have I known The Donald for way too long,

but I also know all the grown kids.

I don'’t know the little guy,

but I know Eddie Munster, Feckless, and Date Rape.

[audience laughing]

Oh yeah.

I'’m just saying,

I can'’t imagine that anyone would have consensual sex

with Eric Trump.

That'’s all I'’m saying.

I think every encounter should be investigated.

Every single encounter.

Oh, they'’re gonna twat at me now, look out everybody!

All right, so, um, they'’re all idiots.

And the dad is the biggest idiot of all,

and so you know, it was obviously when they chose me,

to, if I may use the word target,

I think they knew I was an easy mark, right?

So just out of all the dudes

who supposedly threatened the President,

none of them got in this kind of trouble.

He'’s not gonna go after Snoop Dogg or the singer Morrissey

or fuckin'’ drunk Johnny Depp in a bar.

[audience laughing]

Guys, Johnny Depp, like, he dresses like that in real life.

He does.

He dresses like he'’s a pirate in real life.

Have you noticed that?

He'’s got a lot of money or sometimes he does.

I don'’t know what his money situation is,

it'’s like a Nicolas Cage, I don'’t know what'’s going on but,

the last time I saw him was at the Clive Davis Grammy party

and I just go Johnny one word, shower, shower!

[audience laughing]

So, I have no love for all the guys

that didn'’t get in any trouble,

but I think they knew that they could come after me,

because as many of you know,

I'’ve been kind of a one-man band my whole career.

I don'’t have a big network or studio,

I don'’t have any man behind me,

I don'’t have some big producer

who'’s gonna make it all better and make it all go away.

Johnny Depp, he got caught saying something

about the President, and then four days later,

he'’s taking a picture with his Make-A-Wish kid,

I know that game.

Yes, vicious, they'’ll do anything bottom line, vicious.

All right, so, once again, we'’ll go back to Sarah Fuckabee.

All right, so there she goes to the podium

and she'’s conflating Rosanne with Samantha Bee,

and then for good measure, as usual,

they just throw me in so that all the Trump Army

and the robots and the bot farms from Macedonia,

whatever the fuck'’s goin'’ on, they all come to me.

[audience laughing]

And so, I then later watched it,

when I got all these texts saying, "Oh my gosh,

you'’ve gotta watch today'’s press conference".

And so I see Sarah up there sayin'’,

"And uh, Roseanne was doin'’ a very good job on her show

and she had to apologize but the President phoned her.

Samantha Bee should not be able to keep her job.

And where'’s the apology from comedian Kathy Griffin,

who was photographed holding Donald Trump'’s severed head?"

[audience laughing]

I had to start my process of debunking the idea

that I was holding a severed head at all!

It was a freaking mask with ketchup on it.

Let'’s be very clear, it'’s not anyone'’s head,

I don'’t have any heads.

Although, wait till I tell ya the stuff

that Trumpers send to my house, you'’re gonna shit.

To this day, Trumpers send me Bibles!

Yes, I have like 60 Bibles in my basement.

It'’s too late!

It'’s too late.

-[audience applauding] -[audience laughing]

It'’s way too late for that.

I went to Catholic school, it didn'’t work.

It didn'’t take, as they say.

[audience laughing]

So, I will say it'’s amazing that they don'’t catch fire

every time I just even walk past them.

But, your beloved Maggie Griffin,

when she walks past them she goes like this,

"Finally!"

[audience laughing]

By the way, my mom hasn'’t seen the inside of a church

unless somebody fuckin'’ dies or gets married.

So I love how she acts all Catholic.

First of all, she'’s 98 years young.

[audience applauding]

Still got it.

The day the photo went live, May 30th, 2017,

the day that changed my life irrefutably,

in the middle of all the crazy stuff

and the walls caving in, I'’ll get to that part later,

my own mother calls me

and I swear to God she goes,

"For Christ'’s sake Kathleen.

Of all the god-damn clubs you could have joined."

[audience laughing]

I go, "Ma!"

"I was watchin'’ my Sean Hannity."

I go "Mother!

What are you doing watching that for?"

"He says you joined Al Kay-da."

[audience laughing]

"Couldn'’t you collect stamps or something

instead of joining Al Kay-da?"

Like it'’s a caterpillar relative or something, so.

Anyway, just so you know, after that phone call,

on that day, I'’m laughing now,

but I was sobbing.

I called Rosie O'’Donnell,

the preeminent expert at being trolled by Donald Trump.

12 years he'’s been trying to take her down,

12 years.

So I call Rosie and I'’m crying and I go,

"My own mother thinks I'’m in ISIS

but she calls it Al Kay-da, anyway,

she thinks I'’m in ISIS."

And Rosie goes like this, "Are you kidding me?

[audience laughing]

That'’s hilarious, tape it."

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

That'’s a friend, goddammit.

OK, I had taken some other photos,

and one of them was a spoof of my former neighbor,

Kim Kardashian.

And I'’ll tell you, I'’m gonna be honest,

it was actually kind of exciting living next to them.

So don'’t get all high and mighty on me

and act like you don'’t wanna know what it'’s like

to go to their house, '’cause you do.

You do, admit it!

[audience cheering]

Beg me!

[audience cheering]

I am so committed, I moved in next to my act.

Show some goddamn respect.

So, and by the way, don'’t turn on me,

but after the Trumpers wanting to assassinate me

for a year and a half, I'’m totally pro-Kardashian.

Don'’t turn on me!

Hear me out.

OK, so when the Trumpers let you know on a daily basis

that their assassination method of choice is,

we wanna shoot you in the cunt, cut your head off,

stuff your decapitated head up your cunt,

and shoot it again.

All right, so.

[audience laughing]

After a year and a half of that,

if the Kardashians are merely stupid and materialistic,

where do I sign?

I'’ll take it, I'’ll take it, sounds good to me.

As long as you'’re not trying to actively assassinate me,

we'’re BFFs.

We are good, we are cool, I'’ll take it.

And also, after the Trump photo,

when I was really hunkered down in my house,

I will say, I could just look out the window

and see some crazy amusing shit.

So anyway, I actually legit didn'’t want Kim to think I was gonna like

single white female stalk them or anything,

so, I steer in the driveway one day

and I said, "OK, well I'’ve kinda got the house together,

do you feel like coming over for a tour?"

And she goes, "Literally?"

I go, "No, figuratively."

[audience laughing]

Sorry, least of my worries.

Least of my worries.

So anyway, she'’s wearing this big puffy camouflage jacket,

which is funny, like hiding the moneymaker, right?

And no pants.

I'’m sure she had bike shorts on or something,

and the heels were this high, right?

And I said, "Do you wanna come over?"

And she was like,

"OK, I can like, literally be there in like,

literally 30 minutes.

I literally have to go to the grocery store."

And by the way, I gotta say, I love that about them.

Like they just go to the grocery store,

like there were no cameras.

I'’m like you'’re gonna be really a little overdressed

for the Safeway.

OK, I'’m gonna be honest,

they could not have been better neighbors.

They were super quiet, super respectful, they were a breeze.

And, what'’s good for me is that for years, they'’ve hated me,

'’cause I'’m like the red-haired bitch

who calls them dirty whores and stuff

[audience laughing]

'’cause I'’m a patriot.

[audience laughing]

And first of all, I'’m friends with the mom.

I'’m friends with Kris Jenner because I have to be.

I'’m scared of her.

[audience laughing]

I will say this before I totally tear them to shreds,

I will say that truly by coincidence,

the day the photo went live,

I'’d already had like a pre-planned dinner

at my house with of all people Kris Jenner

and Academy Award-nominated Melanie Griffith,

from Working Girl, you know Melanie.

And as much as I like to make fun of them,

I have to say, they couldn'’t have been nicer,

and by the time dinnertime came around,

already my life was like ruined and I was in PJs

and sobbing all day,

and I'’ll tell you about all the crazy conversations

I had that day,

and so Kris Jenner was the perfect person to talk to.

I'’m not kidding, here'’s why,

I had made that horrible apology video,

and we'’ll get there in a minute,

but it'’s a fuckin'’ shit fest.

So by the time they got there, I was crying again.

I was like, "And then I apologized

and now all of my comedian friends are mad at me

but people think I'’m in ISIS so I,"

yeah, so there was, unhinged, unhinged.

So I'’m a wreck, Kris Jenner is here,

Melanie Griffith is here, and I'’m saying,

"Oh I shouldn'’t have made the apology video,"

and she'’s cold as ice.

And she'’s like this,

"No, it'’s good you apologized.

We do it all the time."

[audience laughing]

"One of the girls steals a trademark and then

when they get caught, they just apologize."

[audience laughing]

All right, so I thought that was kind of genius.

So then, Melanie Griffith, who couldn'’t be more different,

she'’s more sort of Bohemian and stuff,

so Melanie goes, "I loved it,

tomorrow you should do Pence'’s head."

All right that, no.

[audience applauding]

It was kinda funny.

I won'’t, I'’m not gonna do it.

All right, so, prior to the famous picture,

Tyler Shields and I had taken some really silly ones.

In one of them, of course, I had to spoof my neighbor Kim.

Now, our yards were so close

that there was actually a shared wall,

so it was like almost the same yard, right?

So one night, you can look this up,

I'’m sure it'’s a very famous photographer,

she was doing a photoshoot in the backyard,

and she was up a tree like a squirrel, like this.

Totally naked, with the long,

flowing extensions and everything,

totally naked and glowy,

wearing nothing but '’80s black Doc Marten boots.

[audience laughing]

OK, you know, you'’re so fuckin'’ jaded.

[audience laughing]

Don'’t act like you wouldn'’t fuckin'’ kill

to walk out in your yard and be like, is that?

[audience laughing]

Is Kim Kardashian a naked squirrel next door?

[audience laughing]

So, I go out there, and I go,

honey your nipples are hard,

you'’re gonna poke an eye out, come on.

Come on down honey, let'’s go honey,

you'’re gonna hurt yourself.

Put on a sarong, start somewhere.

[audience laughing]

And she laughed, and that'’s why I like her.

So let me go back to the day.

So when the photo happened,

I was in the middle of a 50-city tour.

And I was about 25 cities in, and then the photo came out,

and then within 12 hours, I had the entire tour canceled

and not one day of paid work ahead of me

for the rest of my life.

So we'’ll get to that fun part in a minute,

but, the year before that,

I did an 80-city Like A Boss tour all around America,

so don'’t talk to me about the real America FOX News,

I have really, really been there.

And I stumbled across something that I brought for you,

and you'’re being such an amazing audience already,

this is your first treat.

Enjoy.

Now, this is from something I'’ve never heard of,

and you can make fun of me,

called Craigslist Personals Missed Connections?

[audience laughing]

All right, you know what you all look like?

A bunch of guilty whores.

A bunch of guilty, dirty, whores.

Look at you, I know that gay guilt.

I can hear it, that uncomfortable

[giggles] I think I'’ve heard of it!

All right so, the subject line was,

You Fingered Me at Kathy Griffin.

-[audience applauding] -[audience laughing]

"We were sitting next to each other at Kathy Griffin.

You were drunk and flirty, and before I knew it,

you slid your hands down the back of my pants

and fingered my butt.

You are very cute, I'’d like to get to know you."

[audience laughing]

For the gays.

[slow clapping]

I'’ve been sayin'’ it, ladies, for decades,

the gay boys eliminate the middle man,

they go right to the Missed Connection.

Now look,

[audience laughing]

by the way, and you may wanna take a moment

to look around at your neighbor

and see if anyone'’s having a missed connection,

[audience laughing]

at this moment,

love is love, love is love!

[audience laughing]

I also like that the guy who wrote that

said at the end, I'’d like to get to know you better.

[audience laughing]

So, you know, I'’ve been in the community, as they say,

as an ally for so long,

I'’m assuming that means that they'’re gonna be praying

to Saint Fistopher later, like a barstool.

-[audience laughing] -Yeah.

Now, I'’m going to tell you about the day.

You ready?

[audience cheering]

OK, so, first of all like I said,

I'’m gonna be very honest, I'’m 58 years old,

and being a 58-year-old female

in the business, in standup comedy,

they'’ve been trying to put me out to pasture

since I was about 40, and I will not moo!

[audience cheering]

I just wanna make you laugh,

I don'’t care if it'’s a commercial or a series

or a special or a tour, I just wanna make you laugh.

So, like I said, I need to tell you the story,

because the government shouldn'’t be able

to take your ability to make a living away.

And I'’ll tell you all the crazy shit

that I learned along the way,

like the fuckin'’ TMZ connection.

Holy fuckballs, wait till that shit goes down.

[audience laughing]

Yes, you came to the right bitch!

If I had a store, that'’s what I would call it.

So what happened was, Andy Cohen, oh yeah fuck him.

He'’s a turncoat.

And also, well I'’m sorry, if he has a skillset

I'’d love to hear what it is.

Nobody?

[audience laughing and groaning]

I love how this industry crowd is like,

oh my god, you are never gonna work.

I know!

[audience laughing]

One of the things I want you to take away from tonight

is I'’m Kathy Griffin, and I never learned my lesson!

[audience cheering]

Oh yeah, I'’m fuckin'’ naming names,

I don'’t give a shit anymore.

OK so anyway, let me get back to the infamous day,

because believe it or not, what started it

was a fuckin'’ tweet from Eddie Munster of all people.

Like yes, that'’s how I knew I was the test case.

So get this shit.

So like I said, we had taken a bunch of really,

obviously silly,

funny photos that never saw the time of day,

because the infamous mask ketchup photo was of course

the last picture of the day and it took 20 minutes.

Now, when the picture went live,

I certainly didn'’t think he would send it to TMZ.

Like, I'’m so foolish I thought that

he would send it to like Der Spiegel, right?

Or Paper or Charlie Hebdo or some shit?

Now, the reason it was bad that it went to TMZ

is it turns out that gay republican and full-on

Trump-supporting MAGAt Harvey Levin,

yes, a gay man who'’s a MAGAt!

Not just a republican, a full MAGA-wearing, Trump-loving,

so when I announced that on what'’s called the YouTube,

then the right wing said I was unhinged.

And then I was so happy when the Daily Beast

finally did an article where Harvey Levin said,

"Oh yeah, I talk to Trump multiple times a week.

"I consider myself to be his personal publicist."

Exactly, now we all enjoy TMZ as a guilty pleasure blog.

But I am suggesting to you that if you keep looking at it

you'’ll see it'’s very misogynistic and very racist.

And, Harvey has like all the dirt on people,

and he'’s got a vault, and everybody'’s scared of him.

Well open the fuckin'’ vault motherfucker,

I don'’t give a shit.

Because what happened was, the photo went on TMZ first.

Now you know people in LA think that shit is the newspaper.

[audience laughing]

You know it to be true,

you know there are people who are like,

"I heard on the news--"

No, it'’s a blog for God'’s sake!

By the way talking to the President multiple times a week?

Can you imagine Barack Obama calling Perez Hilton

for policy advice?

[audience laughing]

All right so prior to the mask photo, we had taken pictures

like me spoofing Kim

and pictures that I honestly just thought,

if they show up in a magazine

and make you laugh it'’s worth it.

If I put them on social media and you laugh it'’s worth it.

So that'’s it, there was no deep meaning.

Now, when we get to the actual infamous photo,

then I admit, the inspiration was

when Trump famously said after one of the debates

about Megyn Kelly, "There was blood coming out of her eyes,

"blood coming out of her wherever."

And even though I don'’t mean to defend her,

because she wouldn'’t piss on me if I were on fire,

I still thought, we'’ll lets do a picture

where there'’s blood coming out of his wherever

and see if he likes it.

He didn'’t, he didn'’t like it one bit, did not care for it.

[audience applauding]

Now, here'’s why I feel fuckin'’ stupid,

one of the many reasons is,

because I hate the celebrities that go

"I wouldn'’t change a thing."

Right, I fucking hate that.

When people ask me that, do you have any regrets?

Yes!

Yes, are you kidding?

Too many to count!

And they'’re always like oh!

They take their pen out like oh!

No one says that.

And I go, my biggest regret?

Not fuckin'’ Ray Jay on tape.

[audience cheering]

That one alone.

Months later, Hillary Clinton puts it in her audio book

about my photo scandal.

And she says something like,

I can'’t believe all of the fallout from the photo

Kathy Griffin took.

She was clearly doing a sendup of Perseus and Medusa.

[audience laughing]

Which I was.

[audience laughing]

I didn'’t go to college, all right?

I started doing commercials at 17.

So I was like Perseus and Medea,

like is it a Tyler Perry thing?

[audience laughing]

All I'’m saying in is that,

if you hear me say in an interview

that it was inspired by Perseus and Medusa,

just fuckin'’ back me up, just back me up.

Just be like oh my god, she'’s a rogue scholar!

So no, it wasn'’t based on anything but me,

just trying to put ketchup on a mask and shame him,

and honestly, in my world, you guys know.

I'’ve been doing this shit for years.

And I really thought, this photo will have a shelf life

on like two gay blogs for two days.

That is the max, like I really, truly had no idea

that they already had the apparatus, which we'’d all seen,

but it had been used primarily on his political opponents,

Little Marco, Lyin Ted, that shit'’s true,

but I didn'’t know that the minute that photo went to TMZ,

the Trump wood chipper was up and running.

And the idea that the objections would come

from the White House,

I mean my story, like it or not, is historic,

and never in the history of this great country

has a sitting United States President

used the power of the Oval Office,

the so-called First Family, the Department of Justice,

and the Right-Wing media to try to decimate

an American citizen, much less an American comedian.

So, anyway, just want you to know, it really can happen,

everybody vigilant, let'’s be vigilant!

All right so um [laughs]

[audience laughing]

So what happened was the photo goes on TMZ

and I swear to god, I go back to bed.

I go back to bed, I thought nothing of it.

The photographer had called me and he goes,

"All right, the photo'’s online and it'’s goin everywhere.

It'’s spreading like wildfire."

And I was like "Great!"

And I go back to bed, not even kidding.

So what wakes me up, a call from Rosie O'’Donnell.

And she calls and she goes "Griffin, it'’s O'’Donnell."

[audience laughing]

And, I was kinda tired and I go, "What'’s up Ro?"

and she goes, "Griffin, everybody thinks you'’re in ISIS.

I go "You'’re right," I hang up.

-[audience laughing] -I swear to god!

'’Cause you know comics, that'’s how we talk to each other.

And I thought that was kind of a funny joke.

Ring, "Griffin, it'’s O'’Donnell."

Jesus, what?

So, she'’s like "Seriously,

people honestly think you'’re in ISIS."

So I put on CNN,

and here'’s what I learned from this experience,

it turns out, there is such a thing as bad publicity.

-[audience laughing] -[audience applauding]

So, people ask me all the time,

why did you make the apology video?

And I'’ll tell you why.

I'’ve performed in Iraq and Afghanistan,

I'’ve performed in Kuwait and Uzbekistan,

I'’ve performed in the battle zone under mortar fire.

What if Daniel Pearl'’s mother saw the photo?

Honestly, that'’s why I made the apology video, that'’s it.

And when I say it was a narrow apology,

I mean it was like practically just for her.

'’Cause what I'’ve found out now, in talking to people

over the past year and a half,

is so many of the folks that were so offended by the photo

and thought I was inciting violence

and siding with ISIS and all this stuff,

I would ask them, and I'’d get a little more bold

as the year and a half went on,

and I would say, "Are you military?

"Has it triggered you in this way?"

And 99% of them were dudes

that had never been in the military go,

"No, but I'’ve watched those on YouTube and they'’re gross."

OK, if that'’s your idea of a good time,

go fuck yourself, apology rescinded, apology rescinded.

If you'’re watching real decapitation videos on YouTube,

then my picture'’s quite harmless

and you should know better you psycho.

[audience laughing]

So, it goes on TMZ, and then, like I said,

it took off, so I put on the news and it'’s

bum bum bum, breaking news.

[audience groaning]

Oh yes, no call or anything, but the famous

"CNN is letting go of comedian Kathy Griffin

for the New Years Eve broadcast."

Oh, can I tell you the one that hurt?

Bum bum bum, ticker,

"Kathy Griffin dropped as the international spokeswoman

for Squatty Potty."

[audience laughing]

That'’s right.

That one hurt, all right?

First of all,

I was damn proud to be the face of Squatty Potty goddammit.

[audience laughing]

That'’s right, and the commercial was called

"Kathy Griffin is the Queen of Poop."

And I wore that crown proudly, goddammit.

Every day, it may have been invisible

but I was the Queen of Poop and that meant something.

So bum bum bum, so that somehow was breaking news,

but like I said, the walls were just caving in,

and then, the tweet heart around the world,

the dad, the accidental president Donald Trump,

I brought it!

[audience laughing]

So here was the one, because New York Magazine

wrote a pretty favorable article about me

a few months ago and it kinda started the turnaround,

and the writer had a great line in there

saying that for the first time in history,

a President'’s Twitter feed

is the most powerful programming tool in television.

'’Cause every time he tweets something crazy enough,

bum bum bum, breaking news.

All right, so by the way,

can you even imagine Obama, or even W,

ever commenting on a comic, ever?

All right, here we go.

So this is from the accidental President.

"Kathy Griffin should be ashamed of herself.

My children, especially my 11-year-old son Barron,

are having a time with this.

"Sick!"

OK, I'’m gonna suggest Barron has seen worse

on a fuckin'’ Wednesday, OK?

[audience laughing]

Really?

Like, the Access Hollywood tape alone

I think was a little bigger than a fuckin'’ mask

but OK, it'’s about the children, right?

[audience applauding]

That one.

He'’s paying off porn stars, he'’s admitting to affairs.

So once again, once that happens,

then the tour cancellations started coming in.

So I got a call from my then stand-up agent

and he said, "OK well,

one theater got a bunch of death threats

and are canceling the show."

And I said, "All right, I'’ve been through this before,

I can weather the storm."

And then, somehow, TMZ was reporting every one

of my tour cancellations in real time,

like the same time I was hearing about them.

So I know it sounds crazy,

to think that they were coordinating

but I'’m pretty sure they fucking were

and that'’s where we are and I know how nuts that is.

So then, fuckin Melanie chimes in.

Get this shit, same day.

So Melanie writes, "As a mother, wife, and a human being,"

[audience laughing]

You guys are we so Handmaids Tale

that even the First Lady is like,

I better assert on Twitter that I'’m a human being,

just to see if I still am.

"That photo makes you wonder about the mental health

of the person who did it."

Well, back atcha bitch.

[audience laughing]

I really do care.

[audience applauding]

All right, so I'’m gonna be honest,

some people were nice

and some people were really tough.

Like I said, I believe honesty is key

and it was hard to see how many people

went out of their way to twist the knife,

and look, I loved Al Franken as a senator,

I had many fundraisers for him in my home,

and he called me that day and he just said,

"Kathy, what were you thinking?"

And I was gonna host two book events for him for free.

And he goes, "I can'’t be associated with you now."

I started crying so bad

I just couldn'’t even finish the call,

so I loved him as a senator, but I'’m just being honest,

it was fuckin'’ rough.

And then I had other celebrities telling me,

Sharon Stone goes,

"You have to leave the country for eight years,"

and I go "You first."

[audience laughing]

I got just a lot of really crazy advice

at a time where I already felt super crazy.

And then my mother is telling me,

now you can finally be a dental hygienist,

which is her real dream.

[audience laughing]

Then, the other tweet heard around my world,

the Anderson Cooper tweet.

Now we'’re gonna go there,

'’cause I know it'’s what you showed up for

and I'’m gonna give you the tea.

I'’m opening the pot, I'’m gonna spill some right now.

All right, so here'’s the deal,

I don'’t have a punch line for this one.

It just hurt, and it just sucked,

and that'’s all there is to it.

But everyone knows that feeling,

whether you'’re at the office party

or the relative Christmas party, or whatever,

where if you'’re kinda getting dogpiled,

you always know that one person

is gonna have your back no matter what.

Well, I was wrong, and by the way like I said,

everybody already came for me that day

and I already lost everything and am fired from everything,

and all this stuff, so I just want you to know

I really don'’t think Anderson had to write the tweet,

but I did bring it.

[audience laughing]

All right, so here we go.

"For the record I am appalled by the photo shoot

Kathy Griffin took part in.

It is clearly disgusting."

OK, so, you know, I had to just take that one in.

No call, but I thought, all right,

this is just that kind of a day.

And like I said, I was getting all kinds of crazy calls.

So, sure enough the Anderson Cooper tweet was hurtful.

Now, when I tell you that the death threats started

the day of the photo, they started online,

and unfortunately once again, everybody here

knows what that'’s like.

Everybody knows what a cesspool social media can be.

But, I actually got,

today wasn'’t my first call from the FBI,

we'’re old friends!

[audience laughing]

So that day they actually called and they said

Ms. Griffin, you'’re actually under several,

what we deem to be called credible threats.

The online threats they would look at,

but the very next day I started getting old-timey,

old-fashioned mail threats with stamps.

'’Cause old people love Trump

and they fuckin'’ love stamps too.

[audience laughing]

Hand-in-hand.

So then the FBI had to teach us how to separate

the ones that are definitely credible threats,

so we have to put them in a Ziploc bag

and then they take them.

And then there'’s another pile where we like discuss it,

and they tell us which ones are credible,

and then there'’s another pile, frankly,

that'’s just for my act.

[audience laughing]

You gotta laugh at this point, you gotta laugh.

So the day after the photo was live,

I then received truly a stack of mail,

like in an old-time sitcom or something.

Oh yes, yes.

Lots of ways to shoot me in the cunt.

And 98% of them were,

let'’s just say, negative.

[audience laughing]

There were a handful of nice ones,

and I'’m gonna be honest since I'’m doing a lot of whining,

but there were some that were really touching

and I spent a lot of time the first couple of months

just returning them and saying thank you.

So I got this one on the outside,

and normally I would have opened it, but I just knew,

and on the outside of it, it said, "From Bobby from Sarasota."

[audience laughing]

Now, as you know, I'’ve been an A

in the LGBTQIA2345 community for many years,

so somehow I knew.

I knew that this was gay Bobby from Sarasota.

I knew that Bobby knew he needed no last name.

He was Bobby from Sarasota.

Everybody in Sarasota knows Bobby, you fuckin'’ kidding me?

You can call the mayor of Sarasota right now

and say where'’s gay Bobby they'’ll say at the diner.

They all know him!

[audience laughing]

They all know him.

So, the day after the photo, I get a letter

from Bobby from Sarasota,

and it couldn'’t have been nicer.

It was very supportive and very sweet.

And then, I noticed there was a second letter

in the envelope that was a totally separate letter

to Anderson Cooper.

So I remember thinking oh shit, Bobby, you fucked up,

you accidentally put the Anderson letter in here.

Then at the bottom of the letter he wrote to me,

he wrote, "And Ms. Griffin, I am including

the letter I'’ve already sent Anderson Cooper

for your perusal."

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

So, first of all, let me just say

that there are a lot of words in this letter

that are wrong and inappropriate.

And I also may have laughed out loud three times.

[audience laughing]

Here we go, Bobby from Sarasota.

And also, let me just guarantee you,

Anderson Vanderbilt has never gotten a letter like this

in his life.

[audience laughing]

"Anderson, from one homo to another,

you'’re a fickle faggot."

[audience applauding]

Bobby'’s pissed, pissed!

"Really, not supporting and backing Kathy Griffin

after she had your back for years?

Even didn'’t talk about your cock sucking in her comedy

back when you were a closeted queen?"

[audience applauding]

All right, and this is what I love about the gays.

He ends it in textbook style.

"Homo 101: you always back your fag hag."

[audience cheering]

And I will be your hag as long as you will have me!

It is my honor to be your hag.

[audience applauding]

I know, I love gay Bobby.

When I played Sarasota, I invited him.

He was just like you would think, he was like,

"Bitch, you got a raw deal!"

I was like, "Bobby!"

[audience laughing]

Oh, the other thing I have to tell you

is I would say, no joke, about a third of the death threats

that came in the old-timey mail to my house

had actual return addresses.

[audience laughing]

The Trumpers are not like academics.

He loves the uneducated.

So when I would hand one of those to an FBI agent,

it was the funniest thing.

'’Cause you hand someone a death threat

with an actual return address,

and he'’s just like this, oh!

[audience laughing]

"Well I will have an answer in three minutes."

[audience laughing]

Really streamlines the process, I have to say.

It was obviously a very crazy day,

but I have to be honest, I got two calls personally,

one was Jamie Foxx, and I say that

'’cause I really don'’t even know him,

so it really meant a lot that he like tracked me down.

And the other one was from someone else

that I don'’t really know that well,

but Jim Carrey tracked me down.

And, here'’s the thing, I don'’t know him very well,

I'’ve met him a few times over the years,

but I actually think he'’s really accomplished

kind of everything you possibly could want in comedy.

He'’s an amazing standup, amazing sketch artist,

In Living Color, Ace Ventura franchise, serious actor,

impressionist, all these things.

So he calls me up and believe it or not, normally,

obviously I would be a fan girl and be like

oh my god Jim Carrey'’s calling, what'’s going on?

And be trying to make him laugh or whatever.

But when you'’re in a situation this dire,

you just cut to the chase.

So I hear Jim Carrey'’s on the phone,

so I was already sobbing, and I said, "Jim,

"I'’m 58 years old, I'’m a big girl,

"I'’ve been in this business for 40 years,

"but I need someone to really, really be honest with me

"and I need someone like you to just be honest

"and just tell me, is it over for me?"

If I know it'’s over, I can kind of try to rejigger my brain

and think about what my future would be,

but I needed to hear it from someone like that.

And I said, "I can take it.

I just need to hear, just go for it."

And he goes, "Kathy, today,

you'’re the most famous comedian in the world."

[audience cheering]

And I go "For all the wrong reasons!"

[audience laughing]

Did I just turn into Mary Tyler Moore

from The Dick Van Dyke Show?

-[audience laughing] -Oh no!

So, he couldn'’t have been nicer, and he said, "Look...

You got the worst president in the history of this country,

who'’s basically put his thumb on the shoulder of your life

and is trying to ruin you."

He goes, "I think honestly, any comedian

would give their right arm to have this happen to them.

'’Cause at the end of this..."

And this phrase just always stuck with me, he goes,

"You'’re gonna take as long of time as you need

to process it, and then you'’re gonna put it

through your Kathy Griffin comedy prism

and you'’re gonna make the story funny and relatable

and you'’re gonna go tell it."

So, thank you Jim Carrey!

[audience cheering]

Oh, it was bad.

So, what actually happened the next day

was I got a call from my entertainment attorney

and then later my First Amendment attorney

who'’s named Alan Isaacman,

and he won the landmark Supreme Court case,

Jerry Falwell vs. Hustler Magazine.

Because when you'’re in this much trouble,

you want the guy that got Larry Flint off

in front of the Supreme Court.

[audience cheering]

OK, that'’s what you want.

So anyway, he says, "Hey kid, I gotta tell you something."

And whenever he starts with something like that,

it'’s not good.

And I was like, God now what?

I had already lost my living, my future,

all this other stuff, and he goes,

"I just got a call from the Department of Justice

and they'’re putting you under what'’s called

an open-ended investigation."

And I just started shaking.

You know, I'’ve never been arrested or anything,

I don'’t know anything about this world,

and I said, "Did I do something wrong?"

And he said, "No."

I said, "Did I break the law?"

He said, "No."

And I said, "Did I violate the First Amendment in any way?"

And he goes, "No."

So, I said, "OK, what does this mean?"

He goes, "Well right now, they put you

on the no fly list."

[audience groans]

So I want to tell you guys that

'’cause a lot of people don'’t know that.

I was on the no fly list for two months

like a fucking terrorist.

So then, I said OK, I guess I'’m not going anywhere,

but what else can they do?

And he said, "Look, I'’ve been dealing with,"

'’Cause a lot of people don'’t know I was investigated

by two federal agencies, the Secret Service and the AUSA,

the Assistant US Attorney'’s Office.

So they have that prosecutor ready

to file charges if they found anything.

And I said, "Well what should I do or what can I expect?"

And he said, "Well, look.

They can do something called a no-knock raid."

Well, because of Michael Cohen and Paul Manafort

we all know what that is now!

Months later I was bragging to my girlfriends.

Uh-huh, it'’s a no-knock raid, yeah.

So it means they don'’t even have to knock, yeah, no knock.

And they come like around five in the morning,

'’cause that'’s when everyone'’s sleeping.

[audience laughing]

Oh yes, I had to learn all this.

I'’m very versed in all this.

I had to learn who all the Nazis are that come after me,

what their names are, what their gripe is,

all the far-right groups, all the conspiracy theories.

This is my world now.

This is my fuckin'’ timeline.

Anyway, he says they'’re opening an open-ended investigation

and after the no-knock raid I said,

"Well is there anything else that I should be prepared for?"

And he said, "Look, they have the right,

if they want to, to tap your phone."

And now I can laugh about it,

but it'’s a weird feeling,

but the reason I laugh now is I think,

if they were tapping my phones,

which I actually don'’t think they were,

they would be just hearing me talking

to one of my gay friends

about last night'’s Ru Paul'’s Drag Race.

[audience laughing]

Like that would be,

Miss Vanjie,

Miss Vanjie,

Miss Vanjie!

[audience applauding]

And I'’m picturing like the old fashioned FBI guy,

outside in the van like, with the Beats by Dre like,

"Who'’s this Vanjie, is she ISIS?"

[audience laughing]

"Is she a very high-ranking member of ISIS?

Track down Miss Vanjie!"

Good luck!

[audience laughing]

She'’ll fucking cut a bitch.

So, anyway, I said, "Well, when you say open investigation,

what does that mean?"

And he said, "It means they can keep it open

as long as they want."

And I said, "OK well, then what happens?"

And he said, "Well they investigate you

as long as they feel is appropriate,

and then they decide whether or not

to charge you with a crime."

And I said, "OK, well I thought I didn'’t break the law."

And he said, "They'’re considering charging you

with conspiracy to assassinate

the President of the United States."

[audience groans]

Which holds a lifetime sentence.

You didn'’t know that part did ya?

All right so, we'’re gonna go back there in a minute,

because I can tell you'’re horrified.

By the way last week, I was walking down the street

in San Francisco and four middle-aged people

stopped me and started screaming,

"You'’re in ISIS, you'’re a terrorist,

you don'’t deserve to live here."

I know, and what'’s weird is they were like my age.

And the dude was a Parrot Head, you know what that is?

It'’s like a Jimmy Buffet super-fan?

[audience laughing]

So, they'’re screaming at me that I'’m a terrorist,

and I gotta admit, I was fascinated

by his fuckin'’ shirt with parrots on it,

[audience laughing]

and he fuckin'’ loves Margaritaville, this guy.

[crowd cheering]

I know it'’s an odd reaction when someone'’s screaming

"Go back to Raqqa, you'’re in ISIS and a terrorist,"

but I said, "Is that a Parrot Head?"

[audience laughing]

That'’s my new life, my new normal!

All right, so, when I was able to actually travel

and leave the country, I called my then-agent

and I said,

"I know this is a very unique way to route a tour,

but is there any way we could actually

consciously look for countries

where we know they hate Trump?"

Two weeks later, I had 15 countries and 23 cities.

[audience cheering]

That'’s right, another part of the story is that,

once I got off the no fly list,

I was on what'’s called the INTERPOL list.

So I was detained in every single airport.

Which sort of sounds fun, or like no big deal,

but it'’s fucking scary.

And what I'’m here to tell you,

because there actually is a lot of misinformation

going out around this.

They actually can take your phone and SIM card

and your passport.

So don'’t believe like, that'’s against the law,

that'’s unethical. They can.

So what happened when I was on the INTERPOL list

was every single airport from LAX

to London Heathrow to, you know, everywhere.

You know, you'’re kind of at the mercy

of like the three people working at the airport, right?

So I was most scared in Singapore,

because it'’s illegal there to chew gum and spit, so...

You know, me with my fuckin'’ pussy jokes.

[audience laughing]

I'’m already pushing it.

And, I know a lot of the audience members

are gonna be gay, and it'’s illegal to be gay there.

So, I don'’t wanna be detained

while they'’re sweating in their knockoff Pucci scarves.

'’Cause that'’s, that'’s not love.

So every time I would get detained it would go like this.

I go, and the first person scans my passport

and you see them go like this.

[audience laughing]

Oh yeah, yeah.

So then, I would put on my I'’m not in ISIS face.

[audience laughing]

Never worked once, turns out.

Then they would call their supervisor.

The supervisor would scan my passport then they'’d go...

[audience laughing]

Oh yeah, to this day, I don'’t know what the fuck is on that passport.

And then, they send me into a room alone,

and they take my phone and my passport

and they just go away for an indeterminate amount of time.

So that can happen. Just want you to know that.

All right. Now, out of all the times I was detained,

only one time was there another person in there with me.

Look, once a comedian always a comedian.

I couldn'’t resist.

I just turned and I said, "What are you in for?"

[audience laughing]

And by the way, that guy is way smarter than I,

'’cause he didn'’t even fucking look at me.

He was like, oh, the crazy redhead from the picture?

I don'’t think so.

No, no, no.

[audience laughing]

And then eventually I would get my stuff back

and thank god I didn'’t have to miss any shows.

[audience laughing]

Oh, the other thing I have to tell you is,

I love Stevie Nicks, and I'’m here to tell you,

she is the real deal.

Like she'’s the most Stevie Nicks-y person you'’ve ever met.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, and she really lives it.

Like she'’s always in the multi-layers of paisley layers

and fuckin'’ witch boots.

So I know you would think a friendship

with me and Stevie Nicks is unlikely,

'’cause she'’s, you know, like Stevie Nicks,

and I'’m like D-list and everything,

but I love a legend who lets me give them a little shit.

So one time I was at her place and I go,

"Honey just give me a twirl."

And I swear to god, she goes,

[audience laughing]

[slow clapping]

That'’s my kind of diva.

All right, so sure enough, as a very nice surprise,

when I was doing my shows in Australia,

I had a show in Sydney

at a little venue called the Sydney Opera House, I'’ll wait...

[audience cheering]

It was really sweet,

Stevie'’s tour manager secretly arranged as a surprise

for the two of us to get together and spend a little time

at her soundcheck, because she, of course,

was at the 20,000-person stadium,

and we had shows the same night

so we couldn'’t go see each other.

So it was just great, and so I get into her car

and she was actually quite emotional

because her good friend Tom Petty had just passed away,

and she was talking about how the soundcheck

was gonna be the first time she sang

Stop Dragging My Heart Around

with Chrissie Hynde from the Pretenders

since Tom had passed away.

So, she talked about that for a while,

so that'’s what we were going to watch,

like pretty much the soundcheck of that song.

And then, she totally turns her focus and she goes,

"I'’ve been reading about you and I'’m worried about you."

And she'’s very matter-of-fact even though she'’s like,

at least a Wiccan.

I can'’t prove it, but,

[audience laughing]

I'’m pretty sure there'’s a cauldron somewhere nearby.

And there'’s a lot of fuckin'’ sage, there'’s a lot of sage.

And so, she goes,

"I hear that you'’re getting detained at airports,

and I want you to know,

if anything happens to you in any city in this country,

you call our team,

and there is nothing we can'’t get you out of."

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

You guys, I think Stevie Nicks was in Seal Team Six.

I do, I think she was like really Seal Team Seven

but she'’s like, don'’t say anything.

All right so, sure enough, we get to go backstage.

Now I am incredibly honored to be here.

But I'’m not a stadium artist, I never was.

So, get this shit, these stadium artists,

what they do is they turn their dressing rooms

into replicas of their apartments!

So get this, so we walk in,

and Randy was afraid to even walk in the room,

because the wave of estrogen coming out,

he thought his dick might fall off.

And the other thing I like about these legends

is they get to an age

where they really don'’t give a fuck anymore,

and it'’s heaven.

Like Chrissie Hynde, we went to the soundcheck,

and Chrissie Hynde'’s hair is like Tina Turner from Mad Max.

[audience laughing]

Yes!

And the older legends are angry all the time.

It'’s heaven.

Now, I am a complete star fucker,

I love celebrities, I'’m obsessed with celebrities.

So if I know I'’m gonna meet a celebrity I haven'’t met,

I'’ll do like some homework, right?

So I had read that day, I thought,

well if I get a chance to talk to Chrissie Hynde,

I knew she was from Akron, Ohio,

and I read that she opened a vegan restaurant.

So I thought all right, I'’ll have like shit to talk about.

So I'’m watching the two of them talk shop,

and once again I'’m just a little gay boy

and I'’m in heaven watching them like, "Oh, this is great!"

And just to set the stage,

Stevie'’s dressing room is so Stevie Nicks-y.

The scented candles were almost battling with one another.

You walk in and there'’s vanilla bean over here,

lavender,

musk,

there'’s one that'’s just pussy.

[audience laughing]

And then there'’s a little lull in the conversation.

And I then say to Chrissie Hynde, who I'’ve never met,

I said, "Chrissie, I'’m a comedian,

I'’ve played Ohio many times

and I understand you'’re from Akron.

Do you ever go back to Ohio?"

And Chrissie goes, "Fuck Ohio!"

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

You guys, I peed a little, like a little.

Not even...

[audience laughing]

OK, "I read that you'’ve opened a vegan restaurant

which I think is very healthy and progressive of you."

[audience laughing]

She goes, "It closed!"

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

You guys, the slightest amount of diarrhea.

[audience laughing]

Not even that much.

So then, Stevie Nicks has to come in and mediate!

And she goes, "Chrissie, this is a friend, Kathy Griffin,

she is an outrageous comedian.

She says whatever goes into her head

and it comes out of her mouth

and she seems to not be able to stop herself."

She goes, "In fact, this very story

will probably be in her act."

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

And then Stevie continued and she goes,

"But we have to support her.

Because she'’s in trouble with the government

because she took a picture of Donald Trump'’s head

that we all wanted to take except she really took it."

[audience laughing]

All right, so then, Chrissie Hynde goes like this,

"That was you?

That'’s punk rock!"

High five, high five, best friends.

Best friends for life, high five, best friends.

[audience applauding]

OK this is, just, I know half the people in the room

like know him and like him, but I can'’t resist.

You guys, I got a consolation note

on really beautiful embossed stationary from Billy Bush!

[audience laughing]

By the way, I hope you guys know this.

You know when he got canned from The Today Show,

they gave him a nine million dollar severance package!

Nine million dollars!

Now, I like to brag,

I'’ve been fired more than I'’ve been hired.

I'’ve never gotten a $9 severance package, Jesus!

Where do I sign?

[audience laughing]

All right, so anyway, he sends me this note.

"Dear Kathy, I have real solid counsel for you

if you want it.

Call me any time."

Doesn'’t leave a phone number.

[audience laughing]

On brand, on brand.

Then he writes, "Don'’t speak for a while."

OK, the last thing I need is another rich,

middle-aged white guy telling me don'’t speak for a while.

Unless your name is Gwen Stefani

and you have the original No Doubt,

do not be saying "Don'’t speak" to me.

Only Gwen Stefani can say "Don'’t speak."

[audience applauding]

And then he goes, "Do you meditate?

Start."

And I swear to god I wanted to write back,

"No, maybe if I had a nine million dollar yoga mat,

I would, Billy!"

[audience laughing]

And then he signs it, I swear to god he signs it with,

"You are human,"

You guys what the fuck is goin'’ on?

[audience laughing]

Is Billy Bush gonna run out here and stitch my eye

like the Handmaids Tale?

What the fuck is going on?

All right, I'’ve got you a little loosened up.

I brought a death threat for you.

It said, "From an admirer you may know, for your eyes only."

[audience laughing]

I know, I like Sheena Easton as much as the next guy.

[audience laughing]

For your eyes only?

I hope her sugar walls catch the morning train.

[audience laughing]

And I open it and it says "From an older white male."

What a shock, that is, really?

"Go to hell Kathy!"

And then, this is what I want you to know

about the Trumpers, like how random they are,

"You are no different than Bill Cosby!"

[audience laughing]

I can think of one way, but.

"You were my favorite female comedian.

I was there at your show last January in San Diego."

All right, I'’m such an asshole that I'’m like,

oh, you know what, this a fan just having a moment.

[audience laughing]

You know, he'’s a ticket-buying fan,

if he came to see me in San Diego!

He'’s just venting a little.

"I died laughing, now I hope you die, you cunt."

[audience laughing]

Shit, it'’s close.

And then, like I said,

because you'’ve gotta laugh at everything,

this one gets me every time.

"You'’re a piece of shite!"

Is anyone here even slightly Irish or Scottish or anything?

I'’m quite sure that this is from one of my aunts in Chicago.

I'’m not sure.

[audience laughing]

Kathleen you'’re full of shite.

You dunno shite from Shinola.

Typical ta let shite come out of yer mouth.

Why dontcha collect stamps instead of talkin'’ that shite.

Um, and then he says, because it makes sense,

"You can forward this to your lover Snoop Dogg."

[audience laughing]

That'’s right, I wanted to write him back and go,

you know what, sir?

You got me.

Snoop Dogg and I are lovers

and if I have even one egg left,

we'’re gonna make a fuckin'’ Snoop Omelet.

You got me sir, and then he says, I got a lot of this,

"I'’m glad your sister just died of cancer,

I wish it was you."

[audience gasps]

Yeah, all right, then he says, "Fuck you up the ass

with a red hot poker."

Now, I'’ve been very clear my whole career about this.

I prefer a chilled poker.

[audience laughing]

I find a red hot poker is a little shocking

to my anus and also chilled poker

and a lot of Astro Glide but that'’s me, that'’s me.

[audience laughing]

It'’s a free country for now.

Then he says, "Red hot poker

just like your precious friends

on that filthy show Will and Grace

who all fuck each other up the ass all day."

And all I took away from this whole death threat was,

Will and Graceis back!

[audience applauding]

All right, so OK, I have to tell you about something.

I hope you get this and like this.

I attended the White House Correspondents'’

Yes, what a difference a year makes!

[audience applauding]

OK, so get this shit.

I got into so many fights.

Yes, can you believe it?

I got a call the day before,

'’cause I still didn'’t have a publicist,

from The Washington Post, and they wanted to know

if they could shadow me

'’cause they thought it was so crazy

that I was going to the White House Correspondents'’ Dinner.

Now typically, as you can tell,

that is not a good idea at all.

I went in with what'’s called an agenda.

So I'’m sitting there, and I'’m looking around

and there'’s a lot of cabinet members and stuff,

and of course Trump didn'’t go,

because he'’s too much of a puss

and he could never take a joke.

But one thing I wanna tell you, want you to take away,

is I absolutely with my own eyes,

and I was the only other standup comic in the room,

saw Michelle Wolf do a great job

with her monologue at the White House Correspondents'’ Dinner.

[audience cheering]

I watched it!

I was there in the audience!

So they are not gonna take her down on my watch.

And they tried, I watched them even start tweeting about it

in real time, saying the whole room was leaving.

Nobody was leaving.

All right, we'’ll get there.

So I go and sit down, and this guy comes up to me,

his name is Hogan Gidley, and he'’s this piece of shit

that'’s Sarah Fuckabee'’s right hand man,

and I recognize him '’cause he kind of looks like

that asshole Ralph Reed from Focus on the Family,

So, you know, these guys always wanna start shit with me.

I'’m just sittin'’ there, so he comes up and he goes,

"Uh, I just wanna let you know we are gonna build the wall,

and I'’m drinking a Mexican beer."

I know, and I go,

[blows] "Bye Nazi." [blows]

[audience laughing]

I don'’t know what it is about straight guys,

but if you blow on them, they fuckin'’ freak out.

[audience laughing]

Like, it was, it'’s my new thing!

'’Cause they'’re like, he was like a cat,

like he thought he was gonna really have,

and then he was like,

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

OK, so then, I stood right outside the men'’s room

and then none of them could get away from me.

It was heaven!

And had a fuckin'’ train

longer than Stormy pullin'’ a double in Tuscaloosa.

[audience laughing]

Yes, yes.

So, I realize that'’s where they couldn'’t

get away from me, right?

So I would wait for them to come out of the bathroom.

So the first one was that piece of shit Wilbur Ross,

who'’s like a hundred and fifty,

so he comes down and he'’s like [mumbles].

You know, he was like a Simpson'’s character.

And so he doesn'’t recognize me or know who I am.

And I go, "Time to retire!"

[blows] Like that.

[audience laughing]

I know, it'’s weird but it was so much fun.

Then Gary Cohen comes down, one of the economic advisors,

and I go, "Gary Cohen, what do you know!

You got canned two weeks ago,

so desperate for a free meal?"

[blows]

[audience laughing]

I fuckin'’ picked '’em off one after one with a simple [blows]

And, oh yeah, Tom Bossert, just one after another.

And then I would accuse them specifically of the crimes

that I'’m quite sure they'’re guilty of.

All right, so then the piece of shit Brian Kilmeade

comes out from FOX and Friends, right?

Now here'’s the thing, I admit,

a lot of people don'’t know this.

FOX and Friendswasn'’t always a propaganda show,

much less even a political show.

I used to go on FOX and Friends

when they very first started,

and they were sort of trying to be a knockoff

of the Today Showor GMA.

So I actually used to go on FOX and Friends

and do cooking segments with Richard Simmons!

[audience laughing]

Yes, who'’s missing!

[audience laughing]

He'’s missing!

Where is he over there?

Why won'’t they?

[audience laughing]

So, anyway, Brian Kilmeade comes down

and all these other pieces of shit guys,

Trumpers that have dogpiled on me.

The first thing he says is, "Can I get a selfie?"

I go, "No Nazi, you can'’t get a selfie.

What the fuck is the matter with you?

Propagating this bullshit to the President

that you know he believes.

When I used to do your piece of shit show,

you were the sports girl

and Steve Doocy was the weather girl, do your job!"

[blows]

[audience laughing]

And, you should know that of course I had a fantasy

that Trump didn'’t go only because he was afraid of me.

Like, that of course was an insane fantasy I had,

but I have one that'’s even more insane.

You ready?

This guy gets up and leaves, and his name is Matt Schlapp

and he runs that thing CPAC,

which used to be just a sort of conservative convention,

and now they have like Nazis

and Steve Bannon was their big get and everything.

So, he'’s a fuckin'’ psycho.

I will also say she is a lady, oh my God.

OK, let me just say, yeah, get nervous,

'’cause I'’m fuckin'’ goin there.

[audience laughing]

And here'’s why, like I said, I have traveled this country,

well I could be a pilot practically at this point.

I'’ve traveled and traveled,

I'’ve gone to every city large and small, and let'’s face it,

not every place is New York and LA,

there'’s many places in America

where you can'’t just come out.

There'’s many places where frankly it'’s just not safe

to be gay.

So, over the decades, I'’ve done many, many events

where I'’m in, you know the South, or typically, the South.

And let'’s say I'’m doing a book signing,

and then a guy like Matt Schlapp comes up to me,

Hey, girl!

Oh my god fierce diva, love your book!

So does my wife Edna!

[audience laughing]

And then, right?

We all have that person in our life,

whether it'’s a relative or a coworker,

and you kind of have that moment of like, OK I'’ll play.

[audience laughing]

And you look at Edna, god love her, she'’s 600 pounds,

he hasn'’t touched her since the wedding night

when he took Viagra

and was watching Channing Tatum videos on his iPad.

[audience laughing]

But you know, that'’s the quilt that is America.

So anyway, this guy'’s a piece of shit.

Now get this shit,

his wife is named Mercedes, and she'’s in the Administration

as like one of those accidents.

Like when Scott Pruitt tried to get his wife a Chick-Fil-A,

remember that shit?

So they will just take fuckin'’ anybody apparently.

She has no qualifications or anything.

She'’s also the woman that stood up for the girl who said,

"It doesn'’t matter about John McCain'’s vote,

he'’s gonna die soon anyway."

So this bitch Mercedes Schlapp, S-C-H-L-A-P-P,

she stood up for that girl, right?

So anyway, they leave the event,

and I see Matt Schlapp is tweeting

that Michelle Wolf is a disaster

and the room is getting emptied

and everyone'’s booing and the event'’s been ruined.

And it was those two leaving, right?

So sure enough, I left the event, go to the MSNBC party,

'’cause I thought there would be like some friendlies,

and I'’m there talking to a couple friends

and who walks in but fuckin'’ Matt Schlapp and his wife?

So they left early to get free drinks at the MSNBC party,

and yet going online once again,

trying to take down Michelle Wolf

and say that everyone left.

She did very, very well.

So anyway, I didn'’t really have it in mind

to start with him,

I had already been in like four fights by that point.

So I'’m talking to a couple pals, and then he comes up,

and the wife comes up to me.

And I'’ve never said a word to her.

She wasn'’t really on my radar, and she comes up to me

like people are wont to do a lot these days,

"Well you'’re a female comedian.

I suppose you think what she did was funny.

Well, it was crass and vulgar

and may have ruined the event forever."

[audience laughing]

I didn'’t call for you.

[audience laughing]

When I do you'’ll know.

'’Cause I'’m gonna spot you

in that knockoff Jessica McClintock half-off

Macy'’s basement dress a mile fuckin'’ away.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

So if you'’re gonna step up to me, Scarlett O'’Hara,

move your fuckin'’ hoop before I move it for you,

or whatever it was.

And it was so great '’cause she didn'’t know

that Washington Post was there,

and the guys were like holy shit.

It was really funny because Dana Bash and Don Lemon

were just like, OK, let'’s just let this air itself out.

And then, this bitch does not know when to stop.

So she'’s coming at me, and I'’m like honey,

you'’re like the 18th person.

I'’m happy to go to battle at this point.

So I'’m a grown middle-aged woman screaming at this bitch,

and then the husband does, what I'’ve seen many times,

the gay pivot, he'’s got like a highball or something,

and he'’s watching two bitches fight,

and he just goes like,

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Oh yeah, he didn'’t have her back at all.

He was like happy to watch the whole fuckin'’ shitfest.

[audience laughing]

So, as you guys, when I read the infamous death threat

when the guy mentioned my sister passing away,

a couple things that happened,

'’cause I really do want you guys to know how serious

and crazy these Trumpers are,

so during that period, my mom got death threats

to her retirement village,

and they tracked her down somehow,

and that really scared her a lot.

But even worse than that was that my sister Joyce

was dying of cancer in a hospital

and she got death threats until the day she died.

[audience ahhing]

OK comedy show, comedy show [fake laughs].

[audience member] We love you, Kathy!

And I love you and thank you, thank you.

OK, so there'’s the kind of pressure

that they'’ll put on somebody

if they just fucking feel like it.

So, when it came time for the interrogation,

months had passed, and every single day,

this is where your tax dollars went!

Every single day, Allan would call me and say

the DOJ called again.

Every day.

"Is she coming in?

Is she coming in tomorrow?

Is she comin'’?

Can you get her to come in?"

So finally I said,

that'’s what they have Jeff Sessions

and the Department of Justice is doing.

So I said, "What do they mean am I coming in?"

And he said, "They want you to go downtown

to the jail downtown."

And I said, "What do you mean?"

And he goes, "Look, I'’m negotiating with them,

but they'’re messing with you.

They don'’t have anything but they'’re messing with you."

And I said, "OK, what does this mean?"

And he said, "They want you to do a perp walk

in a jumpsuit and cuffs.

"They want the video of that."

[audience gasps]

OK.

I'’m a prudent woman, some may say cheap.

I never thought I would say this

to one of the most expensive lawyers in the world.

I said, "Alan, I don'’t care how much it costs.

I don'’t care if I have to lose my house

and lose everything, over my dead body

am I letting any one of you see me do a fucking perp walk

in a jumpsuit for my First Amendment rights

which I did not violate.

I'’m not letting a woman see it,

I'’m letting person of color see it,

I'’m not letting a gay person see it,

I don'’t fucking care how much it costs,

over my dead body.

A perp walk like a common criminal.

No fucking way, never!

Never!"

[audience cheering]

Thank you, thank you.

Two months, two months they tried to get me

to do the perp walk.

So, hundreds of thousands of dollars later,

and like I said, the reason I tell this story is,

if god forbid any of you or your 13-year-old kid

puts their picture up online or anywhere,

they have not done anything wrong

and they should not be put through this.

All right, so he finally negotiated

so that I would be interrogated under oath in his office.

So a lot of people think I was interviewed or called.

No, I was interrogated under oath.

So, we practiced, you know, for a couple of months,

and he finally talked him into doing it in his office,

in a board room of all places,

and they had to go to my house

and make sure that there were no firearms

because they wanted to come over

and he said it'’s kind of better if they don'’t come over.

And I was like all right, but whatever,

so I said, "Well I don'’t have any firearms."

So we had practiced and the way these things work is,

I just want you to know,

this was not a situation where if I was messing up,

he could say to the Feds, "I need a moment with my client."

And we can sort of re-strategize or anything.

So that'’s what I want you guys to know,

is that they were seriously considering charging me

with conspiracy to assassinate

the President of the United States.

So we were alone in the room for a few minutes first,

and he did his lawyerly duty and he said, "Kid, I love ya,

but I'’d be derelict in my duty if I didn'’t tell ya,

you fuck this up and you leave in cuffs."

And I said, "OK, I understand."

So the Feds come in, and the first question was,

"We understand you have a preexisting relationship

with the President."

So I went through everything,

from the time I met him on Suddenly Susan

to the charity gigs

where he didn'’t give the money to charity.

[audience laughing]

Every possible run-in, every up-fronts, every TCAs,

every time I'’d see him in New York, all that stuff.

And what they do, and I understand,

they try to catch someone

to make sure they'’re not telling a lie.

So then the male agent said,

"And is it true you have no firearms in your home?"

And I said, "Yes, that'’s true."

And what we all know from Michael Cohen

and Paul Manafort is you do not lie to the Feds,

and my hand to God, I remembered it on the spot

and I was so proud of myself for being super honest,

that I said, "Oh, wait!

I just remembered, I do have a giant sword."

[audience laughing]

You guys, if you could have seen Alan'’s face, he was like,

and then I can tell like, oh that doesn'’t sound good,

if they think I decapitated someone.

I better explain it more and more

and that'’ll make everything better.

So, he then takes out the pen and paper for the first time.

So I was like shit, so now I'’m like oh, I am so honest,

I go, "Yep, that'’s right, it is a big sword.

It is like medieval,

like it'’s got one of those leather encasements.

Now obviously, it'’s only for display,

but I'’m not gonna lie, it'’s really big,

it'’s got a big handle,

and it'’s even got an inscription on it!"

And so then he says, "Really!

"Are there any distinct markings?"

And I don'’t know he means fucking blood,

so I go, "Yes!"

So proud of myself.

And he'’s like, "Really, what'’s on the sword?"

And I go, "Oh!

It'’s inscribed to me and it says Welcome to the F-list!"

[audience laughing]

Thank god it was documented on an old episode

of My Life on the D-List,

because I then realized this guy thought

I was a sword-carrying crazy ISIS decapitator.

And I was able to say,

"Oh, I got it from when I hosted the gay porn awards!

I left that part out!"

[audience laughing]

Oh yes, if you saw in My Life on the D-List,

there was an episode where I hosted the gay porn awards,

and now I'’m explaining it to this FBI agent

who'’s considering whether not to charge me

with conspiracy to assassinate

the President of the United States,

and Alan is looking at me like oh God,

and I'’m going, "Oh yes, well you know the gays,

go big or go home, am I right?

I mean this thing is big."

[audience laughing]

And it was like a token, you know what I mean?

Like not like an honorary, but it was like a gift, you know.

And it'’s funny because the film that won that year,

ironically, was called Justice.

It'’s funny that we'’re in this current situation

because the film started where the main gentleman,

or protagonist, he started as what'’s called as a, top.

And then what happened was, he was arrested,

but it wasn'’t professional like this at all,

like frankly it was kind of a miscarriage of justice

in the movie, and during his interrogation,

it was like a five-way, frankly,

it was nothing like this,

like this is very professional, I appreciate your work.

Now in the film Justice, during his interrogation,

he turns into what'’s called a versatile,

[audience laughing]

and then, by the denouement,

he'’s what'’s called a full, uh, pig bottom.

[audience laughing]

And so I got a commemorative sword,

and I just wanna say this film Justice,

it swept that year, I mean, I got like

best in photography, best script, best actor.

It was like The Shape of Water.

[audience laughing]

And Alan is looking at me like,

wrap up the fuckin'’ gay porn.

Wrap up the gay porn.

So after that story, the male agent

actually had to put his hand over his mouth

'’cause he just started laughing.

So then, the female agent turns to me

and she asks me the one question

that Alan and I had not practiced.

And it really caught me off guard

and I thought we had thought of every possible question.

She turns to me and she says, and we'’re in a board room,

she goes, "Ms. Griffin, what would you do

if the President walked through that door right now?"

OK you guys, I'’m already a paranoid motherfucker, OK?

[audience laughing]

Also, I know this fool.

Like, he doesn'’t do any Presidenting,

like I can absolutely imagine him going,

hey Mike let'’s get on Air Force One

and go fuck with Kathy Griffin, come on!

Like I'’m not kidding,

I thought there was a 50/50 chance

that his gunts would be bursting through that door

any second, I am not kidding, I thought this was like,

and so I turn to Alan and I just go, "Alan?"

And he goes, "Answer the question."

OK, you guys know that show,

Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg?

[audience cheering]

All right, so, like I'’ve explained, I

She can'’t stand me '’cause I'’m vulgar and crass,

but I fuckin'’ love her.

She'’s a bad bitch.

For god'’s sake, she cooks and she'’s been to prison.

What'’s not to love?

So I wanted to talk to her when I went on that show

because Snoop Dogg is easy to get along with,

and talking to him is very different obviously,

and so I did an episode of that show,

and I wanted to talk to Martha, here'’s why.

It was when Trump had just declined

on the escalator from hell where Mexicans are rapists

and Melanie was wearing like a lampshade

or whatever the fuckin'’ outfit is, and if you recall,

when Martha Stewart took over for The Apprentice,

Trump was terrible to her!

Shit on her,

did press conferences about how horrible she was, terrible!

So I wanted to ask her, like, how do you deal with that

now that he'’s actually running?

So I go up to her at the beginning of the day

and I say, "Hey Martha, it'’s good to see you,

it'’s an honor to be here.

Maybe at some point we can grab 15 minutes

and maybe sit down and have a cup of coffee or something."

And she goes like this,

"It'’s already such a long day."

[audience laughing]

I loved her more, I did.

I loved her more, I can'’t help it.

All right, by the way, two hours later,

she'’s totally wasted on sake,

and she'’s doing Snapchat videos with me like,

"Wooo, I'’m with Kathy Griffin, we got a long doggy tongue

and crazy ears!"

So, she loosened up a little,

and so I finally got her alone

and I said, "Look, this is what I'’ve been dying to ask you.

I can'’t believe that The Donald is actually running,

like he'’s really running,

and people might actually vote for him!"

And I said, "He was so awful to you.

How do you handle it now when you walk into rooms

and you have to be faced with him?

I mean, you guys kinda run in the same like

New York money Mafia circles.

And he was so vicious,

what happens if he unexpectedly walks into a room?"

And Martha Stewart goes like this,

"I say hello."

So for the girl who'’s never done anything right in her life,

when the female agent said, "What would you say

if the President walked through that door right now?"

Somehow, I channeled my inner Martha Stewart

and I simply said, "I'’d say hello."

And I was exonerated!

Thank you guys!

[audience cheering]

Thank you for coming!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, you guys are awesome!

Thank you, good night!

[audience cheering]

[upbeat dance music]

It actually broadened my audience.

So I now get resistors as well as gay guys and soccer moms.

So this was also an historic story.

I'’m hilarious, but I'’m angry.

What happened to me truly was historic

and unprecedented in the worst kind of way.

I'’m here to talk to you about comedy, feminism,

and the First Amendment.

I got fucked by this administration.

The First Amendment is under attack, truly.

If you don'’t stand up, you get run over.

I fought it tooth and nail, and I shouldn'’t have had to.

And you shouldn'’t have to!

Kathy is going back to the cornerstone

of what made her career, standup comedy.

[female MC] All-new material, I hope you can handle it,

thank you, I love you guys, Kathy Griffin!

-[crowd cheering] -[upbeat dance music]

[Kathy] I'’m always gonna be open to whatever

is in the lexicon, whether it'’s pop culture

or political and stuff,

and I don'’t need to make a decision,

like am I gonna do Trump stuff or not.

But, it'’s great to have the freedom

after I did a whole world tour about the Trump issue,

but I love it so much, I just wanna hit the stage.

[audience cheering]

Thank you for coming, I can'’t believe it!

[audience cheering]

I think the people who act like eating a pint of ice cream

is too much for one sitting are fuckin'’ pussies, thank you.

[audience cheering]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I call it child-sized, child-sized.

I can down a quart if I'’m by myself,

I can down a quart like nothin'’

and sleep like a fuckin'’ baby.

So, I hate these assholes that they like,

if you go to a dinner party

and they have a pint of ice cream for four people.

And I'’m like, what are the other three gonna do?

[audience laughing]

That shit'’s mine. OK go have you, berries.

By the way, doesn'’t that suck

when somebody has a really awesome party

and they go, "And for dessert there'’s berries."

The reason I wore my PJs is my joke is that in LA,

this is so fucking late to get people to come out in LA.

[audience laughing]

I know for people going, "Yes!," I'’m sorry.

'’Cause the gays have to be at the gym at 4:30.

[audience laughing]

Or else they get fired from gay.

They are fired from gay, I'’ve seen it!

I'’ve seen it.

[audience laughing]

All right so, answer is no, so thank you for coming!

-[audience applauding] -[upbeat rock music]

♪ I know what'’s on your mind ♪

♪ But if you'’re inclined not to say it ♪

♪ Well don'’t you worry '’cause I'’ll say it ♪

♪ I'’ll say it for you ♪

♪ I know what'’s in your head ♪

♪ But if you turn red when you say it ♪

♪ Well don'’t you worry '’cause I'’ll say it ♪

♪ I'’ll say it for you ♪

♪ You don'’t have to speak a word ♪

♪ '’Cause I know that we both feel it ♪

♪ And I don'’t care if it sounds absurd ♪

♪ I know the truth and I'’ve got to reveal it ♪