Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Promo, let's do a promo.

Welcome to your first therapy session.

When I was about 15 I had sex with her mum.

Why don't you get a vasectomy?

The amount of time you spend faffing around, please, get a vasectomy.

This is the situation. Mum needs somewhere to live, so what are we going to do?

Why doesn't she just come and live with Richard... Yeah. ..for now?

It's Izzy. She's got relationship problems again.

I can't get involved in Izzy's dramas.

Have you ever cared for anyone before? Yes, I care about a lot of people.

You've got the job. Great!

Action!

Hello, I'm Richard Pitt. I'm a qualified therapist,

specialising in a wide... "Mr Pitt? Mr Pitt?"

Where is that coming from? Oh... "Mr Pitt?" Yes?

Mr Pitt? Yes, Jose!

He can't hear me. He can't hear you.

Erm, press that button. Right.

I've got it, I've got it.

Are you having a baby? No, no. It's - my mum's moving in

and we need this to keep an eye on her.

Your mum's moving in here? Yes. Does Karen know? No! It's not helpful, Pete, it's not helpful.

Yeah, Jose? Jose... I think he's turned it off.

Mr Pitt, I'm trying to talk to you but you have to press the button.

Yeah, I know that now. OK, I'm going to see if it works

through the house, so just let me know if you can hear me, OK?

OK, all right.

Mr Pitt, can you hear me?!

Well, of course I can hear you, you're right there.

Hello? "Hi, it's Pauli Jones, estate agent."

I'm here for the valuation.

Hi, could you not be an estate agent. I don't want them to know.

Can you say you're an interior designer? Oh. Yeah? Yeah, fine.

Quick as you can. Yeah, just need to get some videos and photos.

"Mr Pitt?"

I am on the first floor. Eh... "Mr Pitt?"

Hey, man. Just one second.

Yes, I can, Jose. Great. Can you stop shouting! Who are you?

Izzy? Finally, you're up. You've got to clear out of that room,

your grandmother's moving into it.

What's he doing? Oh, he's not doing anything.

Dad, are you joking? What do you mean she's moving into my room?

Mr Pitt, can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you.

Ricky? Get up! Dad! Explain what...

Spacious, with Scandinavian features.

Come in here. I've got to test this baby monitor. Baby monitor? What baby monitor?

"Hello?" Hello? What do you want, Abs?

What are you thinking of wearing to karaoke later?

"I was thinking fancy dress? What do you think?"

I don't...I've got to go! "Richard, Richard?"

Your grandmother's not very well, so she's going to move in here and she is going to stay in your room.

Mr Pitt? Yes! This is complete shit!

Where am I supposed to stay then?

Well, you spend most of your time sleeping at Zara's, stay there.

What is he talking about?

Dad! What did I say? She hasn't been sleeping at Zara's,

she's been sleeping with her tutor! Why didn't you tell me? I did tell you.

Why are you filming this, Pete? It works!

Pete, turn that off!

Fiona.

Quick, quick, very much quick,

because I am at work, so let's go, go, go. I'll kick off, shall I?

Obviously Nigel has been popping himself into other people's cubbyholes.

That's obviously the main agenda I'm assuming for today.

Meaning Nigel has been...? Popping himself in other people's cubbyholes.

I mean, you know, the thing is, I'm very liberal.

All holes are goals and I understand that.

However, we do have our public image to think of, and obviously

being in PR, I'm very well aware it's manageable,

but if you are entering so many cubbyholes it's very difficult

to cover one's trail, as it very much were.

Fiona, can I ask what you're drinking? It's just a very little gin and tonic.

Ah! Erm, alcohol in a session is very much a no-no.

Well, I've the constitution of a, of a, of a small Welsh pit pony

and I think I shall be fine. Now, can we quickly get on with the matters in hand?

So the right Honourable Nigel is having an affair?

Well, supposedly there is a front runner

and the front runner is Robin. Robin? Nigel's PA.

A young, young man in his prime.

Vigorous, youthful, muscles like a hard paddle.

Smooth grained and soft to the touch.

His thick hair, it's lustrous and shiny,

and...I shouldn't wonder it smells of raspberries.

So, you're ambivalent about Nigel sleeping with a man?

Look, as I've said, a few drinks go down,

the blood all engorges the penis

and they find themselves balls deep in a cubbyhole.

Is it something to worry about? No.

Do we just need to manage it? Hell, yes.

And that's the worry, is it? That this will come out

that he's having an affair with somebody or...?

Yeah, I do see a little bit of management being needed in terms of the cubbyhole situation.

I'm quite happy to stand by Ni's gate somewhere in Surrey

and look a little bit mournful. It's my duty,

as spouse of a Parliamentary member.

I think if we can contain this, I don't see there's really a problem.

BEEPS

Hello. Erm, hello. You must be Nathan?

Hi, Richard. What brings you to therapy today?

Well, I got an e-mail, for like an introductory offer, I suppose.

Yeah. "I thought I'd follow up just because, why not?"

Sure. Well, tell me a bit about yourself.

What should I know about you?

Eh, so I'm a 31-year-old. Eh, I'm a digital media, eh lecturer.

I live in west London. Eh...

Are you in a relationship at the moment? I am. I'm a few months into a new...

..yeah, relationship, I suppose you could call it.

That's wonderful. Someone you met at work?

Eh, yeah. She, she...to be honest, she's one of my students, actually.

You said your student, we are not talking...?

No, undergrad. She's 19 years old. Oh, 19. Fine. Oh, you lucky bastard!

19, and you're 31? Well...

It's perfectly acceptable. She's an adult

and we all need to try and be open-minded.

Exactly! So, for example, the first time I saw Izzy in class

I thought she was one of those problem kids

who I can't get to concentrate, and how am I going to engage with her?

What was the...what was the name again?

Izzy. Izzy - Isabel.

What college was this? Eh, Hampton college.

It's funny, because actually we talked about this recently.

Teenagers, they are so experimental and she...

Yeah, Nathan? When you just said teenager,

it did alter my perception of what is going on here. Teenager?

Izzy is a fully formed adult. Yeah. When I say fully formed, I mean...

She may seem fully formed, but she's actually 19 and 19 is young.

I bet if you look back at photos of you when you were 19

you'd go, "My God! I thought I was so old,

but I was literally a child."

You seem a little uneasy about the relationship,

which is fine, but maybe we should talk... Yeah. ..more about it.

Do you have any other...? If you like, look on the website, that would be terrific.

Thanks so much for calling, Nathan. Have a good day.

RINGS

BEEPS

Shit!

Hey? Oi? Hey, hey?

Did you set that up? I didn't! Really?!

Yeah, I did. You did?! Do you realise how unethical that is?

Yeah, but I tried telling you! You've put me in a really difficult position.

Yeah, but you could have just come clean. Munee-munee-munee-munee!

I'll deal with it.

Let's hope he doesn't call again.

BEEPS Shut up!

Hi. Hi.

Is Mum there yet? No. OK. So when's she coming? Later, tonight.

So what kind of stuff have you got to do for Mum now?

Are you kind of going to be... Does she - how does she go to the toilet and stuff?

Is she like able to just...? I mean, does she have to wear a nappy or anything like that?

She's not an invalid. She just -

I've just got to keep her away from the pub. OK, well that's...

I have hired a carer.

Good. Good. Who is quite expensive.

That's good, I mean, it's really good. No, you're welcome.

I've really had a productive day writing. Good, I'm glad you have.

I feel like I've made a really kind of big breakthrough in terms of...

Did you find your pen?

Sorry that was sarcastic. Yeah. I'm glad you had a breakthrough. Thanks.

And I've really got to get back to it, so I can't really stay talking, talking, talking for long.

But I, erm, good luck and everything and well done. Yeah.

You know, like, you know... Get back in your little Tupperware box,

seal up the edges, don't let the world in.

You don't know anything. It's fine. We won't infect your world

with our actual real-life issues. If you ever need anyone to come...

We'll leave you... Christine? ..help or babysit or anything,

don't call me. I kind of knew that. OK, bye. I hate you! Hate you too!

Bye! Bye!

BEEPS

Hey! How are you doing, Richard? What are you doing?

Just getting a couple of extra reps in. What do you want?

Congratulations on the vasectomy.

I've booked you in for Monday afternoon. So Monday afternoon is V-day.

You're book... Why are you booking my vasectomy?

At three o'clock today you've got a phone consultation

with the urologist. He's the best ball doctor in the business.

It's going to be off the chain!

OK, dude, peace!

BEEPS

Richard. Hi, Dad! What can I do for you?

Just ringing to say that I'm going to take Mum in and it's all sorted and she's going to move in here.

I know. You told me. I only need to be told something once.

Yeah. Erm, the other thing was, erm, this is a bit delicate...

Don't waffle, Richard. I'm sorry. Get straight to the point.

OK. You're going to die, I know.

Sorry. I'm trying to get straight to the point. You're going to die.

I just wondered if you'd thought of inheritance tax, inheritance tax Dad?

If you gift your children your property now,

then there is no inheritance tax to pay. I know.

And that would really, really help me and John and Catherine,

because it would really financially benefit us.

Richard? Yeah.

Who says I've stopped having children?

Think about that. Bye!

BEEPS

Eh, thank you for taking this call. I'm calling because of something

my father just said to me. I really need to speak to you about it.

He said, and I quote,

"Who says I've stopped having children?"

Did you feel like Pinocchio, that you want to be turned from a puppet

into a real boy and have Geppetto's real love for you?

Yes! Yes, I do. I feel wooden. I feel...I don't feel real.

He's doing something that I'm being asked to give up.

My wife wants me to have a vasectomy. She is asking me to lose the power to have children

and just at that moment, and I don't think this is a coincidence,

just at that moment, he threatens to have more.

You're imagining a collusion between what your father is doing

spermatically, with what your wife has in mind, and they're not the same thing.

Part of me understands, yes, we don't want to have a child,

that would be an absolute nightmare.

And we wouldn't be bound by contraception.

Is this because she is refusing to use contraception,

or you don't want to use a condom, or both?

I mean, I do use condoms, but time is money.

She's... You know! And yet you are the conqueror in the bed?

Yeah. Well, how long will that last?

As a man. once I've procreated. what does she need me for?

Well, first and foremost you are essentially

a very anal being. That's true.

That requires no vasectomy. That is true.

Victory. Everybody wins.

Yeah. I'm not going to be reduced...

Good, that's what you've arrived at. I'm not going to be...

Snipped. ..snipped. E-mail her assistant and say,

"Fuck that, I'm not doing that." Yeah, I'm not going to have it. Revere the rectum.

Yes! Thank you so much!

BEEPS Hi, Neil. Richard.

Hey, how are you? I can't wait to get going in this next session, mate, to be honest.

Good. I've thought of nothing else since last time.

What particularly did, eh, did it throw up for you?

Like I hadn't ever thought about anything ever before,

and then like I realised, oh yeah! OK.

That's why I'm like that.

So let's talk maybe about the world of work for you and how that's been.

Did you go and do any training? Did you get some qualifications?

I sort of did various jobs,

sort of things like nobbling horses,

you know, break into a stable and dose a horse up or something.

And from there I thought I'm going to make money.

So I want to London to try and get into, you know, into banking.

OK. You know, bullshitting really. Yeah.

I used to pretend I was a trader.

Right. I used to get my sister in to...

..be an escort and have meetings with these clients from Singapore,

places like that, just bullshit basically.

I've always been good at that. You got your sister to be an escort?

Yeah, well she had never been to London before. OK.

From there I got into doing a bit of trading, and this will surprise you.

Will it? The thing I liked most about trading

was the physicality of it. How do you mean?

Because I became a derivatives trader. Right.

And it makes such a difference if you add a level of threat

and violence to the interaction. I see.

This is where I came into my own, you know. Right.

And now you're in the loan... You are a loan arranger. Yeah.

What set of skills do you have there that are helpful?

I'm good at maths. Right. Got away with some weaponry.

Do you? You've got to be threatening, even without weaponry. Do you enjoy that side of it?

It feels brilliant.

Like, you know when you get someone by the neck? Tell me.

And you squeeze the neck so hard

that their eyes start to bulge out a bit

and they shit themselves, do you know that? Well, that's pleasurable.

So that - yeah! You enjoy that feeling? Yeah.

The thing is, Neil, I'm starting to feel a little bit out of my depth here.

No, no, this is normal stuff. Well, I'm not sure just talking...

Shut up! I'm not sure... Shut up! We are carrying on with this.

I can't carry on with it, Neil, I can't. I don't know what I'm doing.

We are carrying on with this! We're fucking carrying on with this!

Turn your back on me, I'll fucking come here and fucking kill you, mate!

Do you get the message? Yeah. I do. See, you've got me going now.

I don't want to get you going. I didn't enjoy that. Didn't you?

You need to carry on with this, you need to carry on with this, mate. OK. Fucking hell.

Why are you doing this to me? I'm not doing anything to you. Fuck!

Let me lay out where I think... All right, all right. Keep going, I'll take some money off. Yes?

I'll take some money off the debt. We'll carry on. I'll take some money off the debt, just carry on.

OK, thanks, Neil. Aargh!

Erm...

Vasectomies. What the f...fucking hell.

Oh, Jesus!

Whoa!

Why the hell are you watching this?

Karen's making me have one.

Why, cos yous don't want any more children?

We're not going to have children anyway.

Not at our age. Cos Wendy's desperate to get pregnant.

And she's naked back home, just waiting.

Hard to top a thing like that.

Too much information.

I probably should get one of these.

Christ.

Yeah...

You should. Huh?

You should get a vasectomy.

Only joking. No.

And if you get one pretending you're me, then Karen's medical

insurance will pay for it.

OK. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah? OK. Yeah? Yeah.

VIDEO CALL RINGS

Hello. Er, hi... Mr Pitt?

Yes, this is...well, I'm not Mr Pitt. This is Mr Pitt here.

Sit down, Mr Pitt. Sit down. No, I just...I can't.

Mr Pitt?

Sit down, do it.

I'm Doctor Mandal. Good.

I'll be performing your vasectomy.

OK. Can I just confirm some details with you?

Yeah. OK, full name including any middle names.

Erm, R...Richard...

James... James Pitt.

Any health problems, or are you on a medication at the moment?

Any allergies?

WHISPERING: Don't you do anything.

Sorry? No.

OK, are you aware of what the procedure entails?

Just...

..tie it up and...

..hope for the best? Erm...

We can discuss that when you're in the clinic... Yeah.

..but we advise that you refrain from sexual intercourse

or masturbation for...

Erm...really?!

Yeah, for 10 to 15 days after the procedure.

WHISPERING: Fucking hell.

Is that going to be a problem?

Sexual intercourse...

But masturbation - that's quite a big deal in our house.

Yeah.

Are you aware that you will need to wax in advance?

SNICKERING

Is that...? Are you all right?

Yeah.

OK, so if you're happy, then we will see each other

in the surgery. Thank you.

All right, then.

You made me.

You made me do it.

You've done it now. This always happens. You made me.

You're locked in, you've got to do it. You can't do this again.

You're locked in. It's like that time you made me

nick from the corner shop. You made me do it.

You're locked in. And I had to...

VIDEO CALL RINGS I can't do it. You can.

You're going to have to. Go and shave and wax 'em.

You made me. Aha.

The blood is on your hands.

Alison. Richard.

It's been eight weeks since our last session.

It's nine actually.

Because there were the group sessions and then I spoke

to you last week. Right, so her death...

..20 years ago... 20 years.

..is still very foreground for you...?

Of course. Yeah.

It seems to keep being reinvented, Richard.

In your mind or...?

I think in the collective consciousness actually. Mm.

You could see from her funeral, just all of the different people

who turned up and everyone's got different perspectives of her. Mm.

She loved people, you could see that she...

In public she did.

Well, in private there wouldn't have been any people

so I don't quite know what you mean.

I think what I'm trying to say is that we don't know

what goes on in the minds of strangers.

Diana isn't a stranger.

Well, in many ways, Alison, she is.

No. But in...in she...

Yes, she is. She was our friend.

Yeah, no, I mean, she obviously struck a chord in many people

and in you, and that chord has been ringing for the last 20 years.

Yep. And I think the key, Alison,

and we've talked about this many times,

is finding out what it was in your life at that time...

You keep talking about this, Richard, and I don't know

what you mean really. She is your life.

And what I want to achieve is that your life...

..is you.

But everyone has parts of their lives that are to do

with other people. I mean you're married, aren't you?

Yes, but I've met my wife,

we've been in the same room together.

Did Lady Diana know who you were?

I don't know, Richard! Just...

You're gloating and I don't accept it...

I'm not gloating. ..about having met your wife.

I'm not gloating, Alison, I just want you to move on.

And I didn't want to marry Diana anyway.

I'm not suggesting you should marry Diana. Well, good.

But Diana didn't have a fucking clue who you were.

She doesn't know who you are.

You're trying to suggest that she didn't care, Richard!

Yes! That's exactly what I'm trying to suggest.

And she did care. She cared about all of us. No, she didn't.

Have you seen the footage? She cared about people she met.

..without a glove on and he had AIDS. She c...

Do you realise how unprecedented that was? No, I'm saying that

you are sheltering from your own life under a Diana-shaped rock.

Well, what do you think you're doing?

I'm trying to grab you by your ankle

and yank you out of there.

Well, what should be important to me?

You.

I don't want to betray her.

PHONE RINGS

Hey, you've landed.

Hi, sorry, traffic is terrible. You will be home soon?

I'll be back soon. OK, how was Europe? It's been...

..a complete nightmare.

Oh, no. The company is in such trouble.

Really? I'm going to make so many redundancies on Monday,

I'm dreading it. Oh.

So, I don't know where that's going to leave us.

Can you take the bridge? But Vernon was talking about your company.

He thinks it's really a grower. I mean, it's going great, but...

So I thought maybe I should think about having a year off

or just a bit of a break and... Eventually.

And you bring the money in... Eventually that...

And I'll just sort of... We could definitely talk about that.

Sorry, darling, London office is calling. Don't...

No, no, I need to speak...!

Hello. Is that Terry?

I've never done anything like this before.

Right. So what brings you to therapy today, Terry?

Well, it's money problems. Is it?

See, it's just, erm, just completely taken over me life.

Yes. I've got... I...well...

It's just the worst thing that ever happened to me.

Yeah. It all started about 18 months ago, I suppose.

I got a phone call from this lady and she said, "You've won,"

she said, "£148.2 million

"on the Euro lottery."

Just like that.

What? Did you lose the money?

You'd think, wouldn't you, that money would make you happy.

Yeah. Well, I haven't been happy since I won this bloody

money, you know. No?

I've got all this, just hanging about the place

and it means nothing. Ah...

It means absolutely nothing to me.

Don't do that, Terry. This is a curse, this stuff. Yeah.

I wake up every morning, and I just... Oh, God.

It just gets me down. Yeah.

I'm not...I'm fine...I...

I don't know what you can do to help me.

I think I might have to top meself, you know, Richard?

I understand how difficult this must be for you.

You have an issue that most people would look at and say, "Oh, my God,

"that is the answer to all my problems." Yeah.

You know, we all have money problems. You have too much,

I have a mother who's sick and needs...

..round-the-clock care. Oh, right, yeah.

My daughter is, er...she's run up a lot of student debt, huge debts.

Yeah, I mean nothing that 110 grand wouldn't knock a hole in, but,

you know, that's not your problem, Terry.

Nope.

So I wouldn't...

I wouldn't burden you with it because this is your time, not mine.

Of course, you've got a lot on your plate. I have, Terry. I have.

Of course the simplest thing would be... Yeah.

..if I gave you... Yeah...

..£20 million.

I'll suppose you think, you know, all your problems

would be over but they wouldn't, I tell you.

It's a mug's game, being rich. Right.

So, you know, that's the end of it.

Right.

Well, you've been very helpful. Yeah. I'm very grateful.

OK, OK.

Well, you can... HE GROANS

Are you all right?

Cor, something... INDISTINCT SPEAKING

Terry.

Cor, there's something like...

Terry. Terry, can you hear me?

Terry? I don't know what...I...

Terry!

Don't die on me, Terry.

Oh, for the love of...

Oh, Jesus, Terry. It's all right.

Trapped wind. Oh, my goodness, gracious me.

For a moment there I was really worried that something

had happened to you. I'm all right. Erm...

Have you made a will?

Darling?

Hey, oh.

It's so good to see you.

Great to see you. How was your trip?

Oh, it's been awful.

Has it? Yeah, but how are you? Oh, no.

Yeah, I'm good. How is it going?

It's going great. Yeah? Mm.

The kids all right? The kids are great. Great.

DISTANT: Do you even care about me?! You are so over-dramatic.

This is not an open relationship, is it?!

Exciting. You know what that's about? Not really.

JOSE: Oh, Mr Pitt, she left a message.

She's just about to arrive.

Who the fuck is that?

That's Jose.

He's going to be looking after my mother who is...

..moving in.

She's what?

DOORBELL RINGS

That's her now.

Ricky! Mum!

It's always much further than I think.

I've completely run out of money.

The taxi's still going. Have you got any spare cash?

Don't do this to me. Hello, Candice.

It's Karen. Mm, oh, now.

Hello, Mum. Oh, darling.

Richard... I'm going to go upstairs, I think, and...

Erm, Maggie, unfortunately I would love to have you to stay

but we just don't have any room.

Oh. And we'll have to... It's all been arranged already.

Exactly. I can't cope.

Do you know what I really would like? A cup of tea.

A cup of tea.

Good idea. Richard, can we have a word? No sugar.

Thanks awfully. Oh, hello.

Er, all ready. Great.

This is Jose. Jose. Yes, hello, Jose.

He's going to be moving in. Oh, good.

He'll be staying in the office and Mum will be sleeping

in Issy's room.

And you've talked to Issy about that, have you?

Yeah, Issy is going to be moving in with Zara.

Issy: Zara!!!

ZARA: Issy, I'm done! I can't believe you've cheated on me!

I didn't! I don't believe you any more.

The minute they sort that out. Yeah.

So I'm going upstairs...

No, no, you're not.

PHONE RINGS I've got all my luggage outside.

It's Abs. Abs.

Hey, Abs. Mr P. It's Abs.

Are you ready for some karaoke?

I am. Say hello to Abs.

Abs, he'll be out in a minute.

Hello, Abs. Hey, guys.

Well, I'll leave you two to catch up.

No, no, no, Richard.

Richard!

Mr P, I've got six hours booked.

How are you feeling?

Like a cock in a blender.

I like your style.

I don't want to rush you, but I booked the Platinum Suite.

It's not cheap.

There better be booze.

# All these scenes of shattered glass

# All your systems in collapse

# On the screen they move so fast

# It's just like life

# But we're dreaming. #

Subtitles By Red Bee Media