Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Hey, baby, we have got to talk about

where we're going on our honeymoon.

Oh, wherever you want to go, I'm cool with it, baby.

Really? Okay, um, well, how about Maui?

Oh, except there, I went there with Neesee.

Okay, well, you know what? I saw this resort in the Bahamas.

Not a lot of tourists go there, right?

You had it in this book you had upstairs

it looked really romantic.

‐ Was the page folded? ‐ Mm‐hm.

Yeah, I went there with Neesee.

Okay, what about Puerto Rico?

You know, Puerto Rico is cool, but, you know

it's a little far, and you know, the food is real spicy

and the people be like..

[gibberish]

You've been there with Neesee, huh?

‐ Yeah. ‐ Dang!

I thought you guys were strugglin'.

How'd you afford all these trips?

Well, Neesee's uncle worked for ValuJet

so we had the hook‐up.

Well, look, baby, there's plenty of places

that we can conquer together, alright?

What I'm gonna do is, when I spin this globe

wherever your finger land, that's where we're goin'.

[grunts]

Alright.

Bam!

Oh..

We're going to Rome.

Yeah, that's going to be hot.

[whispers] I went there with Neesee.

♪ Often I wish that we ♪

♪ Could take the time to see ♪

♪ For me there is to be a family yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause it's All Of Us ♪

♪ Sometimes it can be rough ♪

♪ Time and seasons change ♪

♪ But we will still remain ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪♪♪

[instrumental music]

‐ What's up, dawg? ‐ Yo, wassup?

I know y'all heard this before

but I think I just found the one.

Come on, man. Don't tell me you just proposed to someone else.

No, not yet, but I just came off a first date

and you know how I get when they go well

the second one could be in front of the preacher.

Dirk! You know you still live with Jonelle.

Oh, don't even sweat that, I'm gonna give your girl 30 days!

You know what, Dirk, after four marriages

some guys would be a little gun‐shy

but no, you just keep running toward the bullets.

Tia, that's 'cause I just found the one.

The one woman who won't change after we walk down that aisle.

Oh, please, what are you talkin' about?

Everybody knows it's the men who change.

(both) Please.

We only change 'cause the wives change.

It's basic science, right? Adapt or die.

[thinking] Oh, God.

What if they do change?

Yeah. Hi, Robert. It's me, Tia.

Again.

Yeah, I just wanted to know if you were coming home this week.

Okay, bye.

Here you go.

What's this slop?

It's your dinner, Bobby.

You have to eat your vegetables tonight

no exceptions.

You ain't my momma!

And don't call me Bobby.

The homies call me Killer Bee.

Okay, Killer Bee.

You ain't my homie. Call me Bobby.

Now, little boy, you better stop disrespecting me

or I'm gonna have to tell your daddy.

Tell him! If he ever comes home, Tia!

You used to be so sweet, Bobby. What happened?

[doorknob rattles] 'Bobby!'

Daddy!

[chuckles] Wassup, son?

Robert, you're finally home.

Now we can have a meal together.

He's not stayin'.

We got a dinner meeting at Hooters.

But I‐I cooked all this food.

And, baby, it looks fantastic.

Why don't you pack it for Bobby's lunch tomorrow, huh?

Oh, oh‐oh, okay, but listen.

‐ Speaking about Bobby. ‐ Yeah.

Now, we gotta talk about his attitude.

Tia, I'll help you clean the kitchen while father's away.

And we forgot to say grace before meal.

[chuckles] Baby, you have done a great job with him.

Hey, listen, I gotta go, son.

But remember, while I'm away, you're the man of the house.

‐ Rawr! ‐ Rawr!

[laughing]

‐ Love you. ‐ Do that.

Hey, where do you think you're going, young man?

You haven't cleaned your plate.

You heard what he said.

I'm the man at the house.

And I'm going outside to put dubs on my big wheel.

Peace.

(Robert) 'Baby.'

Baby? You alright?

Seems like you drifted off for a second.

Uh, I was, um, just thinking

about the lovely life we're gonna have together.

[chuckles]

Yes, we are, and you are gonna be

as perfect as you are today.

[laughs]

You better hope.

Every time I got married, I went to bed with Halle Berry

woke up with Chuck Berry.

Jonelle does not look like Chuck Berry.

That's 'cause I didn't give her time.

She should thank me.

[thinking] Tia wouldn't change, would she?

What's up, thickums?

[sobbing]

You think I'm fat?

No, I always call you thickums even before the‐‐

Before what?

Before I was fat, Robert?

I'm doing my best to look good for you.

Nothing works.

Not the Trim Spa.

Not the Tae Bo.

Even I almost put my eye out

using that Bowflex machine.

And what do I get?

You come home calling me fat.

I was just sayin' hi, baby.

Don't you touch my pizza!

I was just goin' to sit down, baby.

Damn, um..

‐ How was work? ‐ Terrible.

Kids kept calling me Professor Klump.

I mean.. Well, look, b‐baby, don't take this the wrong way

but you used to take better care of yourself.

That was before I had you.

Yeah, I got your ring now.

But then, it didn't fit anymore

so I pawned it for some hot wings.

I even quit my job.

‐ You quit your job? ‐ Mm‐hm.

Baby, I thought teaching was your dream.

Was my dream.

But now, my dream

is to live off you

and stay home, makin' love all day.

Oh.

‐ Yeah. Mm. ‐ Oh.

In fact..

...I'm feelin' a little sexy right now.

Yes.

You used to love my butt

in these pants, remember?

‐ Hey, daddy! ‐ Hey.

Oh, ah, hey, hey, son.

Neesee, I'm glad you're here.

I could use your help.

Oh, yeah, I'm glad you asked.

Your lips are so cracked, they look like sidewalks.

We'll talk about that later, right now we were talking about

how marriage changes people.

Oh, no, it didn't change me.

But then again, you can't tarnish a diamond.

What you talking about, Neesee? Marriage changes everyone.

And not just the couple, everyone around the couple too.

Yeah, but for the good, right?

[laughs]

Okay, if that helps you sleep at night.

‐ Achoo! ‐ Oh, well..

Here you go, pumpkin.

You feel better?

‐ Yeah, lots. ‐ Good.

‐ Thanks, Tia. ‐ Mwah! You're welcome.

[thinking] Things couldn't possibly change.

Could they?

Tia, you are the best hostess ever.

Mm‐hm.

Man, Robert sure is lucky he married you

and left that old Neesee.

Talkin' about tradin' up.

I wonder where Neesee is. She should have been here by now.

It ain't like she's workin'.

[all laughing]

Yeah, it's a shame I had to sue Neesee

for that Band‐Aid I found in her cupcake.

Neesee? Who's that?

Well, that's your birth mommy.

You know, the woman you used to live with

before she lost her business

and we got custody of you.

Oh, right, that lady.

I traded up too.

[all laughing]

Put it right there.

Hey, y'all.

I'm‐I'm sorry, I'm late.

I lost my transfer and had to walk the last two miles.

Hey, puddin', guess what?

I made you an apple pie.

But mommy already made me an apple pie.

Well, that's what I'm trying to tell you.

No, mommy, mommy.

‐ Tia made some. ‐ Uh‐huh.

Hey, look, maybe we can have both.

[inhales] Yeah.

Do we have to? I, I just want Tia's.

Now, boys, let's not be rude.

Neesee went through all this trouble baking this

on the halfway house hot plate just for us.

It's good, right?

I made it with the government butter.

I like Mama Tia's better.

Tia, you're the best mommy ever.

Aw, thank you.

It's, it's really a shame what happened to Neesee.

I'm still in the room.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's a shame what happened to you.

[all laughing]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

But you know what, y'all will be cool though.

[cell phone beeping]

Oh, that's baby girl right there.

You know what, I might bring her to the wedding.

You know what, much happiness.

Yeah, yeah, I‐I have to go too.

I'm gonna buy Bobby lots of toys, and a cake.

Bobby. Baby, come here.

Bobby, who loves you?

Hmm, mommy, daddy, Tia, grandma, grandpa

my imaginary friend, Festus.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they all love you.

But remember, you said mommy first.

His mother's on his list first.

See ya. I'm going upstairs to play with Festus.

[chuckles] Well..

...that was fun.

[laughing] Yeah, right.

You think things are gonna change when we get married?

Why? You plan on changing?

Uh, no. You?

'Of course not.'

Why are we listenin' to Dirk anyway?

‐ Okay. Exactly. ‐ Nobody listens to Dirk.

Dirk doesn't even listen to Dirk.

I know.

Look, baby, we have a beautiful life together

and it's only gonna get better.

‐ Yeah. ‐ I can see it now.

Mm‐mm‐mm.

What's that that smell so good?

Well, I'm making my husband his favorite breakfast.

Wearing his favorite outfit.

'Oh, you gonna do me like that, huh?'

Yeah, I know I normally cook naked

but today was a little chilly.

So, would you like the sex before or after breakfast?

Uh...durin'.

But we're gonna have to hurry up, baby.

I'm gettin' my star in the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Another one?

[both laughing]

Hey, guys.

Sorry to interrupt.

I know you're about to have your breakfast sex.

Oh, it's okay, girl. How you doin'?

Oh, girl, you're a better wife than I ever was.

Mm, and a better cook.

‐ Mm. ‐ Oh.

I won't be long, I just wanted to stop by

and give you this check.

Check, for what?

This month's alimony.

I'm marrying a millionaire and you won't ever

have to give me money again.

Oh!

[both laughing]

Daddy!

‐ Bobby. ‐ Bobby.

Son!

[laughs]

Wow, you have grown into such a handsome young man.

Guess what, y'all.

My album just went triple platinum

and I just got nominated for a Grammy.

‐ Whoo! That's my boy. ‐ Oh!

Ooh, that is great, puddin'.

Oh! Mwah!

I always knew he could sing.

This is because y'all always had so much faith

in me, mama, you know..

♪ I love my mama ♪

♪ My daddy and my step mama ♪♪♪

Well, I'm gonna give you all a shout‐out on the Grammy's

when I win that jump, but I gotta go now.

‐ Alright, baby. ‐ Alright, see y'all.

We really have to take the training wheels off his bike.

The three of us.

We've done such a great job at raisin' him.

[laughing] Alright, alright, alright.

I might have put a little too much on it.

Like you'd be in there, cooking half naked.

[both laughing]

You wouldn't be into that, would you?

As long as you're willin' to help me grade papers

in a loin cloth.

Shoot, I'd even wear that do‐rag you like.

Really?

Dad, I left my backpack at mommy's house.

So my solar system project is in it.

You got a bike with reflectors. Just be back by the morning.

Dad.

[laughing] Alright, alright, alright.

I'll get it, I'll get it.

In the meantime, you find that do‐rag.

I think it's in my closet.

[instrumental music]

[knock on door]

‐ Hey, Robert. ‐ Wassup, Neesee?

Uh, Bobby left his backpack.

He asked me to pick it up for him.

Can I ask you something?

Do you think things are gonna change

when you and Tia get married?

Come on, Neesee. Things are over between us.

You're gonna have to get over this.

I'm just playin'.

Seriously, wha‐wha‐what's going on with you?

I.. I don't know, I..

I don't wanna lose my son.

Alright, well, you know I'm against this

but if you feel that strongly about it

we can put one of those LoJack chips in his neck.

[chuckling] Alright, I'm just playin', okay?

No, Robert, I'm, I'm serious.

I'm just worried that when you and Tia get married

you're gonna give him somethin' I can't.

You and Tia are gonna have kids and be a whole family.

And why would he wanna be over here with just me?

Neesee, you're not really thinkin' like that, are you?

Look, there's somethin' that me, Tia

a sister, and a brother can't give him..

...and that's his mom.

You're his mom.

You cool?

[chuckles] For now.

Ask me again in ten years.

You wanna know what it's gonna be like in ten years?

Come home with me.

Robert, I told you, it was over between you and me.

You have to move on.

Get the backpack, girl.

[instrumental music]

Mommy, this is the best stew ever.

Well, thank you, puddin'.

[telephone ringing]

Holler at me.

Oh, yo, wassup, Brian?

Oh, no, man, I can't come in to the office right now.

I'm in the middle of somethin' really important.

No, I'll take a look at it first thing in the mornin'.

Alright, man. Later.

They tryin' to get you to come into the office, huh?

Yeah, but I told them I was doin' somethin' important.

Uh...who ate my salad?

Oh, um, that would be me.

But, um, there's some left‐over pizza in there, baby.

Come on, Robert, you know, I can't eat

that junk food like that.

Oh, what're you trying to do? Fatten me up?

Yeah, into places that I like.

Oh, watch out now. You watch out..

Like where?

Huh?

Oh, um, like in‐in her hands.

You know, there's‐there's nothin' more attractive

than a woman with big meaty hands.

Oh, I get it. That way, they're good at catching.

‐ Aha. ‐ Exactly.

I like it when we're all together.

Hey, we're family. That's what we do.

Daddy, can I go eat my stew in front of the TV?

Sure.

In my house, he can't eat in front of the TV.

Exactly. That's why this is called my house.

Okay, instead of home ownership

we should be talkin' about diving into this delicious stew.

Oh, Tia, don't try to change the subject.

It's my kitchen, I can change whatever I want.

Well, you might want to change what comes out of your kitchen.

Just by the flick of the wrist

salt and pepper, girl, goes a long way.

Oh! Hey, Bobby.

‐ Hey. ‐ Hey, Bobby.

Hi.

‐ That's how you.. ‐ Well, knowing that..

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Did I tell you I love you today?

‐ Aww. I love you too, Robert. ‐ Hmm?

You know, Bobby's at Neesee's and there's only one thing

that can make this better.

Oh, I am way ahead of you.

I wish Turtle was here.

Oh, me too.

I'm here.

‐ Yay! ‐ Yay!

And I brought my yo‐yo.

[instrumental music]

Turtle!

Stop daydreamin'.

And start yo‐yoin'!

[instrumental music]

(Dirk) Turtle!

Stop daydreamin'.

And start yo‐yoing?

What?

How about start makin' the copies

I asked you for ten minutes ago?

One day, Mr. Black.

[whispers] One day.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]