Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

[Jamaican accent] Lord, have mercy.

What is this sexy woman

doin' in Dr. Mango's love hut?

‐ Waitin' on my man. ‐ Your man, huh?

Does your man feed you forbidden fruit?

No, because him not here.

'Cause him not care.

Mango cares.

Not to nitpick, Dr. Mango

but forbidden implies Biblical

so shouldn't these peaches be apples?

[doorbell rings]

Tia, are you actually critiquin'

my role‐playin' skills?

Just a little bit.

Hey.

What, what are you doin', Dirk?

Gettin' away from Jonelle.

Until she finds a new place, I'm stuck with her.

And without sex, it turns out she is really annoying.

Yeah, but, what are you doing here?

Listen, Dirk, Tia and I are in the middle of somethin'.

[Jamaican accent] Dr. Mango?

You know what, Dirk? Of course you can stay.

Baby, what are you doin'?

Well, honey, I think there's a lot more goin' on here

than he's letting us know.

I can sense it.

Oh, now you're Miss Cleo?

Well, after that bike accident I had when I was ten

I did get a little touch of the shine.

Hey, Dirk, make yourself comfortable upstairs, okay?

And, by the way, letting Jonelle stay at your condo

very honorable thing to do.

Honorable? Shoot, she wouldn't leave.

And I was sick of her mouth.

This how y'all do when you're by yourselves?

Look like Papa Doc's voodoo hut up in here.

♪ Often I wish that we ♪

♪ Could take the time to see ♪

♪ The need there is to be ♪

♪ A family yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause it's All Of Us ♪

♪ Sometimes it can be rough ♪

♪ Time and seasons change ♪

♪ But we will still remain ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪♪♪

[instrumental music]

Baby, you know Dirk is gonna mess up

all our alone time, right?

Oh, no, he's not.

He's gonna stay upstairs

while we just enjoy ourselves downstairs.

He's a grown man. He will understand.

Now, where were we?

Mm. I was about to make a toast.

To the man that I cannot wait to marry.

To the woman, I can't wait

to spend the rest of my life with.

Mm..

Blah‐blah‐blah.

I'm bored. Can I hang with you guys?

Not a bad time, is it?

Uh, no.

No, come here.

Yeah, we got nothin' but time for you.

[laughs]

His time is up. He's got to go.

Okay, you book the Holiday Inn for him.

‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ I'll take care of this.

Cool.

Women.

Who needs 'em?

Me.

What's goin' on in the world, man?

Jay‐Z retires. And now this.

'Cause you know what, if I'm in the way I can go

stay at a hotel. It's not, like, a big‐‐

You know what, it's funny you should say that.

I bet, if you go down to the Holiday Inn

they'll have a room under your name.

Alright. It's just that I'm pissed off, man.

My fourth divorce, not one has been my fault.

‐ Oh, really? ‐ Yeah.

It's like "The Lord Of The Rings."

Once you put the little precious on their finger

they all turn into nasty little trolls.

Life sucks.

But if I gotta go, I'll just..

I'll go, I'll holler at you..

Dirk, you don't have to go, man.

I mean, would Batman kick out Robin?

Would Willis kick out Arnold?

Would Oprah kick out Gayle?

‐ Who's Oprah? ‐ I'm Oprah.

[clicks tongue] You always get to be Oprah.

[instrumental music]

We are setting the goal

for the playground renovation fundraiser at $15,000.

[indistinct chatter]

How many thousands?

I mean, we already pay $10,000 in tuition a year.

I mean, does someone have a gambling problem

we should know about?

Neesee, I cannot believe you're questionin'

our fine committee chairperson like this.

There's no price on education, mm‐kay?

And on that note, I'll open up the floor

to fundraising suggestions.

How about a car wash?

We could raffle off a trip.

Mm, a car wash, raffling a trip..

I mean, those are really fun ideas, but, I don't know.

They just sound a little too public school.

Don't you think?

But how about a bake sale?

Or better yet, I can host $100 a plate dinner.

That's cool with me.

Neesee can really put her foot in it.

[laughing]

Yeah, well, so can so can Chef Boyardee

and he's got a face people like.

Look, Neesee, we're all aware of your

little "catering" business

but, don't you think that $100 a plate

is a tad bit ambitious?

No, not for my food, but here's a suggestion.

Why don't we sell Sarah's insults

and we can build a whole new wing on the school.

[laughs]

Aren't you a delight, Neesee?

You know what? Actually, I have a few ideas.

In order to maximize potential profits

we shall hold an auction.

And then that way, we can sell off to the highest bidder

all the ideas that everyone's had.

Like the car wash, the trip, the..

And other items that I'll get donated.

That's perfect.

Oh. Plus, Ms. James can still

host a bake sale at the event.

I motion that we appoint Mrs. Willis and Ms. James

co‐chairs of the fundraising auction/bake sale.

‐ 'Yeah.' ‐ Uh..

I motion to stop that motion.

Did you just say "co‐chair?"

You mean, I'd actually have to work with this woman?

All in favor, say "Aye."

(all) Aye.

‐ Ooh. ‐ Ooh.

[instrumental music]

Are you eatin' on my fine china, Dirk?

That's for company.

That's why I made a plate for Turtle.

You sure do treat your guests nicely, Dirk.

I'm gonna go check on my laundry.

Don't worry, I took the liberty

of hang‐drying your unmentionables.

Ooh, I can see how you drove Jonelle nuts.

What! I was nothin' but lovin', patient

and attentive to that woman.

What? I gave that lady my heart.

What? She got the best four months of my life.

And she was the beneficiary of my hard core lovemakin' skills.

‐ What? ‐ You know what, Dirk?

I'm lookin' at you, and you know what I see?

A brother with a tight‐ass haircut.

No. I'm lookin' at a man who is lonely, lost and afraid.

A man who can't keep a wife.

What's goin' on under that tight little haircut of yours, huh?

What're you talkin' about, Tia? I'm good.

No, you're not good. You confused.

And all that confusion is only hurtin' one person.

You wanna know what that person's name is?

‐ Mama? ‐ No.

‐ Turtle? ‐ You!

You need to heal yourself.

Find out who you really are and what you really want.

Just spend some time alone.

Sometimes, a man should be an island, Dirk

and that island

is room number 315 at the Holiday Inn.

[instrumental music]

[laughs]

Okay, is that fine liqueur and..

‐ Rum‐grilled fruit kebabs? ‐ Mm‐hmm.

And is that my favorite negligee in your hand?

‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ Alright, alright, alright.

Before I get excited..

...where's Dirk?

‐ Handled. ‐ Handled?

Yeah, I just told him he needed to spend some time alone.

You see, Robert, after I wrote

and self‐published my children's books

I was briefly on the counseling track.

Words and consoling are my forte.

So he's at the hotel?

You need to ask yourself do you care.

‐ Do you really, really care? ‐ Hell, no.

All I care about is you puttin' on this negligee

and gettin' closer to me.

[pounding on door]

‐ Damn! ‐ Damn!

Hey, guys.

Jonelle, what are you doin' here?

Well, I was loungin', about to watch another

suspense filled episode of "1‐800‐Missing"

and my soon‐to‐be ex‐husband came home

talkin' about, "Get out.

I wanna be on my own island, by myself."

Can you believe that?

‐ Yep. ‐ Ooh!

Are those fruit kebabs?

Oh‐hoo.

Rum‐grilled?

[instrumental music]

It's so nice of you guys to let me stay here..

...in my time of need.

Oh, my nerves are shot.

Obviously, not the nerves in your mouth.

Jonelle...you know

we were kind of, like, in the middle of somethin'.

Yeah, we was just about to crack open

a bottle of L‐I‐Q., and then you came‐‐

Oh! You read my mind.

I could really use a drink about now.

[exhales]

Can you believe Dirk?

Throwin' me out of my own house?

I ain't never been thrown out.

Well, except that one time.

My father threw me and my brother out

and made us sleep in the backyard all night.

We called it camping.

The police called it abuse.

Mmm.

‐ Um, ex‐excuse us. ‐ Yeah.

(Robert) Baby.

Excuse me.

She's got to go.

Well, honey, he kicked her out.

Technically, she's homeless.

‐ They have shelters. ‐ That is my best friend.

I am not gonna just throw her out on the street.

We still have that reservation.

We can throw her into a hotel. Huh?

‐ Works for me. Yeah. Yeah. ‐ Huh? Alright.

Jonelle, look.

‐ We were talkin' in there‐‐ ‐ Robert.

I just want to say thank you

for lettin' me stay here.

You know, some people would've turned their back on me

make me go to a hotel, or something like that.

But...you're good people.

Well, that's because you're like family, Jonelle.

I mean, well, you know, we..

...would never abandon you in your time of need.

[sobbing]

[instrumental music]

[both laughing]

I can't believe we abandoned Jonelle in her time of need.

She thinks we're comin' right back.

And trust me, by mornin'

she won't even remember she was hungry.

[both laughing]

Whoa!

[instrumental music]

How're you doin'?

‐ How're you doin'? ‐ I'm alright.

Listen, um, if I buy that brownie

and it tastes nasty, can I get a refund?

Everything I make is delicious.

But for you, if you don't like it, it's on the house.

I have nothin' to lose then, right?

Mmm.

You want my arm to fall off?

This has got to be the best brownie I've ever had.

Excuse me?

‐ Uh, except for yours. ‐ Thank you.

Neesee, I see you've met my brother Rusty.

Don't eat that woman's food. It might give you dysentery.

So, you guys are brother and sister?

‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ So, who was adopted?

Thanks for unloading the car.

You gonna stay around for the auction?

Yeah, well, I think there's somethin' here I might want.

Good. Okay.

[clapping] Let's get it started.

[chuckling]

Now..

Our first item is a trip for two to Jamaica.

We'll start the biddin' at 2,000.

Hello? I'm waitin'.

Well, I'm just gonna stand here until I get a bid

because I have all night.

Sarah, you couldn't sell freedom to a runaway slave.

Neesee, I will have you to know

that I have vast experience in marketin' and sales

more than just pushin' brownies, mm‐kay?

So, it's not me, it's these

disloyal parents that are the problem!

Girl, first of all, stop insulting the potential buyers.

And stop selling the deal.

Sell the dream. Mm‐kay?

Hello, everyone.

Let's revisit our first item for bid.

A weekend for two on the romantic

and seductive island of Jamaica.

Is anyone willing to bid 2,000?

Thank you, Rusty. And he doesn't even have kids.

‐ Do you? ‐ No.

Now, picture yourself strolling along the clear

and powdery sands. Mmm.

Can I get 2,200?

$2,400?

Come on, all you men, imagine spendin'

this wonderful trip with your wives.

[indistinct chatter]

Okay, imagine spending this wonderful weekend..

...with me.

[chuckles]

Hell, I'll take that.

‐ Mmm.. Oh! ‐ Mm.

‐ Oh! Baby, you okay? ‐ It's alright. I broke my fall.

‐ Oh, okay. Okay, wait. ‐ Scoot over, baby. Scoot over.

‐ Okay.. Wait, now. ‐ Scoot over, baby.

I can't! I'm.. This is as far as I can go!

Damn! This bed is too small.

No, it's fine. It's fine.

Not for what I want to do.

Okay, you know what?

We could just come do it over here on the floor.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Oh, hell, no.

I saw that special on hotels on "60 Minutes."

Do you know what people do down there?

Yes! And I'm not tryin' to be any different.

Nah, babe, we're gonna do it at our own house

on our own floor, on our own bed

with our own sheets that you don't have

to run a black light over.

I'll put an end to this.

Dirk, meet me at my house in five minutes.

Ooh. The car.

It's a lot of red lights along the way.

[laughing]

Not enough for what I want to do.

[instrumental music]

To us, for bringing in over 20 grand

in tonight's auction, hmm?

Well, I suppose the praise actually should go to you.

You sold everything.

But you put it all together.

Well, it's kind of what I used to do for a living

before I had Trevor.

So it was nice flexing

my business muscles again.

‐ I miss it. ‐ Yeah.

I felt the same way until I

started up my catering company.

‐ I kind of envy that. ‐ Thank you.

No, not you. That.

[chuckles]

You know..

...I'm catering Steven Shochet's bar mitzvah for this week.

You think you'd be interested in helping me out with that?

And why would you want my help?

Well, despite the fact that I really don't like you..

[both chuckle]

...I think we work well together

and I couldn't see why that wouldn't happen again.

What do you say?

Alright, girl, I'm not gonna beg.

Either you're in or you're out.

‐ I'm in. ‐ You're in.

[both laughing]

[instrumental music]

Look, usually I don't care about your relationship

but now that it's affecting me

Tia and Dr. Mango..

...y'all need to work this out.

Why? She is not pregnant, is she?

Look, Dirk, you are Robert's best friend

and you know Jonelle's my best friend.

You guys are gonna keep running into each other.

Can we just put an end to this?

How?

She's loud, pushy

thinks she knows everything.

Loud!

Squeezes the toothpaste in the middle!

Okay, you know what, Dirk?

Jonelle, Jonelle, let him finish.

And, loud!

Okay, alright. Jonelle, what about Dirk?

Have you met him?

He's dismissive, arrogant

childish, messy, and he always leaves

the toilet seat up, even when he's not usin' it!

Yeah, he just walks in there and lifts it up.

I'm shaving a few steps off my process.

‐ Stupid. ‐ Dirk, come on.

‐ Let her finish. ‐ I'm done.

There's nothing left for me to say.

Okay, I got something to say.

Dirk, we've been boys for a long time

so I'mma keep it real with you, alright?

When it comes to women, you're a jerk. Alright?

Everything that Jonelle said about you is true.

Now, you may have divorced four different women

but they all divorced one guy.

You.

Damn.

I never did the math like that before.

And, Jonelle, you can't just focus

on the bad things about Dirk.

You gotta remember the good things, too.

Thank you, Tia!

The good things, too.

You know what, you guys were friends before.

Can you find a way to be friends again?

Well, just 'cause we getting divorced..

...doesn't mean you can't stay at the house for a little bit.

Well, I do plan on gettin' a place of my own

but I guess until that happens..

...I can help out with the bills.

Oh, no doubt you're gonna help out.

Dirk, come on, man.

You pay the cable and the utilities.

‐ I'll pay the mortgage. ‐ Deal.

Alright, cool.

Then I'll let you, uh, roommates

get back to your crib, alright.

Have a good night, and God bless.

Oh, wait, I need to get my luggage and my lamp.

‐ Beat it. ‐ Wait!

I want my luggage and my lamp!

Give me my luggage and my lamp!

[Jamaican accent] Finally, just you and me, gal.

Mmm, I don't know.

I think I got a headache.

Yeah, I think I'm just gonna go to sleep.

‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ Gal, don't play with me.

You know Dr. Mango makes house calls.

‐ Ooh, Lord have mercy. ‐ Booyaka! Booyaka! Booyaka!

‐ Lord have mercy. ‐ Ah!

Alright, baby, now that we're alone, we can make it happen.

Mmm, maybe I should slip into something.

Oh, no, no, no. We don't need to waste a minute.

Why don't you slip out of what you got on?

‐ Daddy! ‐ Huh?

Hey, Bobby.

Hey, I got some great news about the auction..

...you won't be..

Baby, let's go to the toy store.

Actually, I'm kinda sleepy.

Well, you better get these free toys while you can.

Come on.

You got 30 minutes.

Neesee, Dr. Mango get it done in three.

Booyaka! Booyaka! Booyaka!

Booyaka!

[laughing]

[theme music]