Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

I am so sorry, Mr. Turkey, but it says here

I've got to massage this butter all over your plump, meaty body.

I got a plump, meaty body.

Why don't you rub that butter all over me?

Baby, come on, how can you think about sex

when this poor defenseless bird was just yanked away

from his mama so he could be massacred and devoured

by selfish humans?

So does that mean you don't want to do it on the table?

Have a little respect for the dead, okay?

Let's not do it on Mr. Turkey's grave.

Well, if it makes you feel any better

you don't have to make dessert

'cause Neesee's mom is making her world‐famous

Red Velvet Jones Cake.

Unh‐uh, I'm not gonna be outdone in my own home.

No, I'm making your dessert too, okay?

My world‐famous sweet po‐tofu pie.

Whoo‐whoo!

You look like you ate Tyson Beckford.

This ain't for him, this is all for Katie.

Think I got time to put some bullets in these guns?

Dad, come on now

don't‐don't take this the wrong way

but ever since mom died

you've, you've become a bit of a tramp.

Don't embarrass me today, please.

Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry.

‐ I don't wanna embarrass you. ‐ Thank you.

I just wanna get you a new mama.

[laughing]

♪ Often I wish that we ♪

♪ Could take the time to see ♪

♪ The need there is to be a family yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause it's All Of Us ♪

♪ Sometimes it can be rough ♪

♪ Time and seasons change ♪

♪ But we will still remain ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪♪♪

[instrumental music]

Whoa, this is a nice mixer.

I'm going straight to Sears tomorrow and get me one.

You know, that's where I got those craftsman tools for Robert

and that Xbox game system for Bobby.

Sounds like you're doing all your Christmas shopping

at Sears.

‐ I am. ‐ Yeah.

Heh‐heh! Stop.

Walk forward.

Oh, you still got all the tataas.

‐ The booty, the face, the hair. ‐ Ah, ooh, ah.

Fierce! Now, come on.

♪ Shake what your mama gave you ♪

♪ I said shake shake shake what your mama gave you ♪♪♪

Oh, my baby.

[laughing]

Uh‐uh‐uh, no ball playing in the house, baby.

Why? I'm just throwin' it to myself.

I don't care if you're throwin' it to Terrell Owens.

No ball playin' in the house.

Okay. Then, can I have a cookie?

No, you already have two cavities.

Two cavities?

Bobby, let me see. Oh!

Grandma gonna sneak you one later. Hee‐hee.

I just don't understand why Snooky don't come over here

and celebrate the holiday with the three of us.

Well, I know you in denial

and you still think Snooky is my husband

but we're divorced.

There's a new Snookette.

Then why are we doin' all the cooking?

Can't that heffa do it?

‐ Ma, her name is Tia. ‐ Tia.

And cooking isn't one of her strong points.

Besides, Robert and I agreed to spend the holidays

at his house for Bobby.

I just don't understand why you let that man go.

He was a good man.

He kept the bills paid, he didn't beat you.

What was missin'?

Him, ma.

Now, get over it, 'cause I have.

Grandma, did you forget to sneak me that cookie?

No, I forgot to teach you how to whisper.

‐ Mm, mm, uh‐um. ‐ Mm, mm‐hmm, mm‐hm.

Taste these candied yams, I think I've even outdone you.

No, no.

Mm, take me to the cross.

[both laughing]

‐ Oh.. ‐ Oh, boy!

If.. Do you..

If you, what.. Well..

Child, go somewhere.

Oh, my.. Wh‐where are you going? Clean up this mess.

‐ But you just said‐‐ ‐ I say a lot of things.

It's alright, honey, go on.

Grandma gonna take care of this.

‐ Oh. ‐ Now, go on now.

Well, look who is getting soft in their old age.

Girl, I take Tae Bo four times a week.

I'm not soft, feel it, come on now.

[instrumental music]

Which one do you like best?

This one has more of a musky smell.

This is more of a floral scent.

‐ Is that Bengay? ‐ You can still smell that?

That was two days ago. That's the last time I work out.

Dad, come on, will you please stop

making people smell you, alright?

There's no scent that's gonna attract Neesee's mom.

Hey, don't hate because I wanna have what Jonelle and Dirk have.

They just got finished telling me how happy

that marriage has made them.

Mm.

Mr. Jewel, uh, happiness just, uh..

...doesn't quite describe it.

‐ Hey, y'all. ‐ Right on time.

‐ Hey, y'all. ‐ Happy Turkey Day.

[laughing]

She ain't even even set the table yet. Trifling.

Hey, sweetie, everything looks so nice

especially all up around Dirky.

Oh, um, mom, let me introduce you to his wife.

‐ Jonelle. ‐ Oh, yeah, I see her. Hi.

Katie, sweetheart, you don't have to

stand here holding that heavy tray

not when there's a gentleman in the room.

Oh, look, let's just clear this up right now.

The only thing I can do with an old man is bury him.

Ooh.

Kill me.

Hey, ma, where's my cake?

Bobby, you wanna tell him where it is?

Not really.

I was being bad and I knocked it on the floor.

Neesee, you keep a clean house, you could have brought it over.

I don't know what's gotten into him lately, Robert.

Me neither.

We gotta deal with this later.

Works for me.

Baby, I hear you don't know your way around the kitchen

but don't you worry, we're here to help you save Thanksgiving.

Come on, girls.

Come on, let's go to the kitchen, come on.

Come on now, skinny.

Oh, you know, I‐I‐‐

Unh‐uh.

‐ Neesee‐‐ ‐ Unh‐uh.

So, Dirk, how you and Jonelle doing?

Oh, man, in the car on the way over, I had the windows down.

She talkin' about the rain was messing up her hair.

She don't even got that much hair.

This is what I have to put up with.

I thought she was your prize.

Mr. Jewel, she's cool people

we just incompatible.

If it wasn't for the holidays, I'd divorce her tomorrow.

She lucky I was raised right.

Okay, so why don't you just stick it out

for the next couple of months

and then see how you feel?

Why?

She not pregnant, is she?

Come on, girl, in reality, how much damage could it have done?

I mean, you just don't even have that much hair anyway.

Now, see, that's not the point.

The point was Dirk was being inconsiderate.

‐ Thank you, Tia. ‐ You're welcome.

He wouldn't have done that to me.

Look, I'd divorce him tomorrow

if it wasn't Thanksgiving.

But you heard how the suicide rates

go up during the holidays.

Man, I don't want him to die.

I just don't wanna be married to him.

Shoot. If you don't want him I'd hit that.

Nothing says "Happy Thanksgiving"

like a tall cup of hot chocolate.

Ugh. Um..

[Kate coughing]

[instrumental music]

(Robert) I'd like to toast to a few things

I have to be thankful for.

Ah, a great son.

Who needs to stop leaning back in his chair

before he slips and busts his pumpkin head.

Get your feet down.

Bobby, what did your mother tell you?

I'm also thankful that we all could be here

on this very special day.

My beautiful baby.

And our newly‐wed best friends.

Together forever.

Promise?

My parents couldn't be here today

but I'm happy to say I have somebody

that I'll always call ma.

And my soon‐to‐be dad.

[chuckles]

And you can call me Big Papa.

And you can call me a cab.

Hey, don't forget the turkey.

Neesee, you did your thing, girl.

‐ Nice job, nice job. ‐ Yeah.

Hello!

That was my turkey, people.

[laughing]

Enough of all this mushy stuff.

Come on, y'all, let's dance.

‐ Come on, baby. ‐ Knock yourself out.

I'm going to watch the game.

Oh, come on, baby. Hey, Katie, you used to teach dance, right?

Maybe you could show us a few new moves.

Well, Neesee, yes, because she has a gift for dance..

...and the body.

Well, I did study dance in college.

Honey, it's different without a pole.

‐ Oh, ma. ‐ Oh!

See that's your last chance, we told you to stop.

(man on TV) 'Now it's nothing but open field ahead.'

Shoot. She don't know me.

I tried out for "Fame" and got me a couple of call‐backs.

[smacks lips]

Mm.

[instrumental music]

[shrieking]

[shrieking]

Salsa is a dance of passion and lust.

Not just something you sprinkle on some chips.

Come on, Dirk.

Let's show 'em how to do it.

You have to picture your partner

as the object of your deepest desire

and once you've had your fill, ooh, no more.

Oh, I'm ready, baby.

You wanna dance?

Well, it's gonna cost you and right here

is where you start payin' in sweat.

Well, I'm ready, baby.

‐ Ahh! ‐ Ah‐ha‐ha‐ha!

[screams]

[splashes]

(all) Bobby!

Get off of me.

Bobby, go upstairs.

You're gonna get a spanking.

And you..

Ooh, feisty.

[instrumental music]

You aren't really gonna spank him, are you?

Hell yeah.

He's been disobeying us a lot lately.

I feel like we don't have any other choice, Neesee.

Robert, we've talked about this in the past

and you know I don't believe in spankings.

Neesee, what is all the fuss?

I spanked you and look how you turned out.

If I had spanked you more, you might have been a doctor.

Well, that's exactly why I don't believe in it now.

Neesee, if you want your boy to stay out of trouble

he's got to learn that actions have consequences.

Better he cry now than you cry later.

‐ That's right. ‐ You know?

Better nobody cries.

Neesee, we tried talking to him, we tried timeouts.

Today alone three times we told him to stop playing

with the ball and he didn't listen.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe it's time to try something different.

Do you guys mind if I weigh in?

Ooh, Tia, yeah, we sure do.

I mean, do you feel like this is the way to go?

We all got spankings, it didn't kill us

so what is the problem?

Well, it's alternatives to spanking.

Yeah, like music therapy.

Hey, it's huge in Greenland

and several other Scandinavian countries.

Or you could do like my dad did.

Put 'em in the Scared Straight Program.

You take Bobby to a prison

on a Sunday morning

and you show him what happens to bad little girls

when they steal great mail letter from the grocery store.

Okay, as much as I like to pretend

that I care about all of your opinions..

...Robert, this is our child and we got a job to do.

Honey, I just don't think you should go up there right now

because you're too frustrated.

That's exactly why I should go up there.

Because when I'm in a good mood

we're gonna end up at Chuck E. Cheese.

Bobby, this spanking is long overdue.

I'm sorry I didn't listen to you, daddy.

And those cute little puppy dog eyes

are not gonna save you this time.

I'mma tell you like my daddy told me.

I love you, but I'm your father

not one of your little buddies.

And this is for your own good.

I mean..

I'm your father and...and you're the son

an‐an‐and this is just the way it's supposed to be.

I mean..

Before I spank you I need you to tell me why you, why you did it.

I did it because I wanted to be courageous like you.

You're my hero.

I know I'm cool.

But a hero?

Yeah, you look like a superhero.

Football Man.

Yeah?

You know what else makes you cool?

What?

When you're on TV

you say "Peace to you."

[Robert chuckles]

Well, I'm really not as much a hero

as I am a role model.

But still I gotta do this.

Alright, let's go.

Mm‐hm.

Well, I got that over with.

Young Mr. James will be behaving himself for a very long time.

You didn't do it, did you?

Hell no.

Then what was you doing all that time?

Oh, I made a stop at the bathroom.

Now I gotta go do it.

Good, that's what I told Bobby.

He's expecting you any minute.

Bobby, you know why I'm up here, don't you?

Yes, because I knocked over the cake

and kept throwing the football in the house.

You're in trouble because you did those things

after your father and I told you not to.

Okay, I'm sorry.

You think sorry is enough?

Yes.

I'm gonna ask you again.

Do you think sorry is enough?

No.

So what do we do now?

You can take away my favorite

SpongeBob talking toy.

That'll teach me.

Bobby, you broke that

last month and threw that

in the back of your closet.

Okay. Can I just say one thing before you do it?

Sometimes I just forget the rules

when me, you and daddy are all together.

Because I get so happy.

I even get kinda crazy.

[exhales]

Well, still..

...you gotta learn.

Come on, let's get this over with.

[indistinct chatter on TV]

I ain't gonna frown, I couldn't even do it.

Damn!

I told y'all, Neesee acts tough

but she's soft in the middle.

I don't know what happened.

I was right there strong

and then he hit me with the "I'm so happy

when you, me and dad are together."

I mean, what monster can hit a child after that?

All this new age academic reasoning with the child

bull twinkie is getting on my damn nerves.

Can I go upstairs and handle this?

‐ Be my guest. ‐ Go ahead.

Alright. Hm.

(Kate) 'Y'all listen and learn 'cause I gets results.'

♪ Grandma Katie Grandma Katie ♪

♪ I love her I love her ♪

♪ She's my favorite grandma ♪

♪ I can't live without her ♪

♪ She's so great she's so great ♪♪♪

Oh, precious baby

did you make that up specially for me?

Yeah, I've been singing it since I was little.

And I'm drawing this picture for you, too.

See, that's me, and that's you, and that's a turkey.

‐ Oh, come here, Bobby. ‐ Happy Thanksgiving.

You know, I came up here to whoop you.

But that's obviously not gonna happen.

But Grandma Katie has an image to protect.

So when I clap my hands together

I want you to yell like I'm

tearin' your little butt up, okay?

Okay! Ow.

Come on, you gotta sell it more than that. Come on.

‐ Ow. ‐ Yeah. Perfect. One more.

[screaming]

Oh, I think that'll do it.

But you gotta learn to obey your parents now, alright?

Okay, be a good boy.

[chuckles]

Now, that's how it's done.

(Bobby) 'Ow.'

Aftershock.

(Bobby) 'Ow.'

Bobby? Bobby, the whipping is over.

(Bobby) 'Oh, sorry.'

Mm‐hm.

So, what got you?

Was it the big brown eyes?

Well..

...he was singing the grandma song

when I walked in the door.

And then he, he‐he painted this picture of us

and...childhood was over before it started.

That boy is just too smart to be spanked.

He done dodged three bullets and he's only six.

By the time he's 16, he gonna be running this house.

Yep.

[imitating Bobby] "I wanna be like daddy."

"I'm so happy when we're all together."

"I drew this picture, grandma."

Don't get me wrong. I respect his game.

You guys just got played.

You know, he's right.

Yeah.

Let's go.

Okay, now, can I get a piece of sweet po‐tofu pie?

Turn the game back on

and cuddle up with my baby?

You better have something in your eye.

Hey, Bobby.

We know you said those things to us

to get out of the spankings, huh?

‐ Yeah, and it was clever. Yup. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

And just to let you know, it worked.

Yeah, we're not gonna spank you.

Really? Thank you, mommy.

Thank you, daddy.

It's okay, sweetheart.

Because you're grounded.

Yup, no TV.

No toys.

No video games.

No desserts.

‐ No nothin'. ‐ No nothin'.

Okay, I want a spanking, please.

Oh, you wouldn't want your hero spanking you, would you?

Oh, yeah, you know, the three of us when we're together

we have so much fun.

‐ So much fun. ‐ Well, it's just kinda crazy.

‐ Yeah, really. ‐ Yeah.

[chuckling]

Oh, please, I wanna have a spanking, not punishment.

Please, spank me, spank me, spank me, please.

[instrumental music]

Mr. Turkey..

...I never knew it could be this good.

You are so moist..

...and tender.

Um, and I'm so sorry, I'm sorry.

[theme music]