Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

‐ Mommy! ‐ Hm?

If you give me a $20 bill

I'll show you a magic trick.

Mm, okay.

Hm.

Thank you.

Keep your eyes on the money.

Don't take your eyes off the money.

Ta‐da!

[chuckling] Baby, stay in school.

[knocking on door]

‐ Hey, what's up, y'all? ‐ Hey!

‐ Ready to go, big fella? ‐ 'Yeah.'

But I have to go get my top hat and my cape.

Please tell me he's tryin' to be a magician and not a mini pimp.

Robert, I really don't want to relive the fact

that we went on that enchanting evening together.

But we need to talk.

So we can move on.

Hey, I'm not tryin' to go to another dinner

to talk about how bad the last one was.

Look, all I can say is that

I was in an emotional place when Johnny and I broke up.

I understand where you're comin' from, Neesee.

I've been left a couple of times myself.

Look, Neesee, we both know where we stand.

So, let's put it to sleep forever.

Any day.

Bye, mommy.

Bye, sweetie.

‐ Hey, hey! ‐ Mm‐hm.

You wanna see my magic trick?

‐ Okay! ‐ Okay.

Give me $20.

Ta‐da!

Ah.. Ha‐ha. Peace.

♪ Often I wish that we ♪

♪ Could take the time to see ♪

♪ The need there is to be ♪

♪ A family yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause it's All Of Us ♪

♪ Sometimes it can be rough ♪

♪ Time and seasons change ♪

♪ But we will still remain ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪♪♪

[instrumental music]

Robert and I are like Ross and Rachel.

We are meant to be.

And no matter how much that Ross was trippin'

talkin' about there was on some kind of break

he knew he was comin' home to Rachel. He knew that!

Oh, my God.

You're livin' vicariously

through fictitious TV characters.

You are the new me.

[doorbell ringing] Huh.

Oh, girl! It's Robert.

Fix your hair.

Well, what's wrong with my hair?

Just fix it.

And can you tell Robert to tell Dirk

that the only thighs he should be touchin' tonight

at the bachelor party are the ones that come from KFC.

[clearing throat]

‐ Hi! ‐ Hey.

Can I come in? I need to talk to you.

Sure.

‐ We alone? ‐ Uh..

[toilet flushing]

Yeah, sure! We're alone!

Tia, I was sittin' at home

and I was thinkin' about that Mexican restaurant

that we used to go to, with the chalupas?

Oh, you mean Taco Bell?

‐ Yeah. That was good. ‐ Mm‐hm.

We should eat there again.

Okay.

And remember that time, we went skiing and you broke your leg?

Mm‐hm.

That was nice.

We should do that again.

Have you been drinking?

No, I'm just sayin', before you fell off the ski lift

we were havin' a great time.

And remember when you and I said

that we were gonna be together forever?

‐ Uh‐huh. ‐ That was fun.

We should do that again too.

Really?

Yes.

I guess what I'm tryin' to say, Tia, is..

When I wake up in the morning

and when I come home at night..

...and pretty much all the hours in between..

...nothin' feels right.

‐ Without me? ‐ Without you.

I love you, Tia.

Oh, baby, you know I love you, too.

(Jonelle) 'Oh, my God!'

'Said the empty apartment.'

Okay.

What are you waitin' for, huh?

Come on, kiss me and make it official.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, no, no, don't, don't kiss me yet, okay?

'Cause there's somethin' I should probably say.

Just sit down. Sit down.

Okay, look, honey

it was totally unfair of me

to blame you for all of my problems with Neesee.

Come on, Tia, don't blame yourself, blame me.

No, no, no, no, Neesee is the mother

of your child, okay?

And I actually like her.

Okay, Tia, let's not get crazy.

Look, you came into this relationship with a family

and loving you

is also loving that family.

Including Neesee.

‐ That's love. ‐ Mm‐hm!

[laughing]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Remember these?

These are the house keys that you threw in a rose bush

on your way out the door.

They weren't easy to get either.

I had to cut this.

Aw.

And I scratched my arm all up from thorns.

Aw, okay, well, then let me kiss it.

What? Here?

‐ Oh, right there too, see. ‐ Okay.

‐ And right there. ‐ Mm‐hm.

I think I may need stitches right there.

Okay, that's all good.

Any other places

that need my healing touch?

‐ Yeah, right here, right here‐‐ ‐ You know what..

[both laughing]

Right there.

Whoo, it just feels so good

to finally let everything out!

Thank you, baby, for puttin' up with all my drama.

Hey, my daddy used to say

"Never judge a man by his mistakes

"but in how he rebounds from them.

And always forgive."

Oh! Oh, I forgive you both.

I'm so excited. Jo, Robert, and Tia again.

Ohh.

[instrumental music]

I couldn't do it, Dirk.

I couldn't tell Tia about Neesee.

I mean, she was so happy, man!

Hell, I was happy too, but..

Are you listenin' to me, Dirk?

Would you be listenin' to you right now?

You're right, man. This is crazy, man.

I'm trippin' over a small minor detail that I didn't mention.

Here's a minute detail I didn't mention.

It's my bachelor party!

Give me some more singles, she's tryin' to pay

her way through med school.

Right, man, look‐look, i‐if I told Tia about Neesee

then I'd be bringin' us right back to square one

and I ain't tryin' to do that.

‐ Baby, what's your name? ‐ Delicious.

Oh, and I'm sure you are.

And 99% fat‐free.

Could you please take my man's mind off his problems?

That's okay, I don't need somethin' else not to tell Tia.

Turtle, if you're lookin' to download porn

I think it's all on Dirk's lap.

Uh, actually, I just finished taking my ministerial oath.

I am now ordained.

I can preside over Dirk and Jonelle's nuptials.

Turtle, the fact that somebody's gonna give you

a license to spread the word of God

is a sign of the apocalypse.

[instrumental music]

Hey, man, could you please try to have some fun?

This is a special night.

Dirk, this is your fourth bachelor party

how special could it be?

Hey, man, don't rain on my booty parade, alright?

If it's really bothering you that much

just ask yourself these questions.

Do you love Tia like you never loved another woman before?

Yes.

Can you see yourself livin' the rest of your life without her?

No.

Does she have you at "Hello" and does she complete you

and all that other corny stuff?

Yes.

Well, then you definitely cannot

tell her about Neesee.

Yeah, but I'm tryin' to‐‐

But nothin', man. Bounce, I got cheeks to smack.

[instrumental music]

If they ever do remake "Wonder Woman"

I agree she should be black.

But let's get back to the reason why you came here today.

Well, I recently broke off my engagement with Johnny

and started playing wife again to my ex‐husband.

Do you two still have feelings for each other?

He probably still has feelings for me, Dr. Shapiro.

I mean, look at me, I'm hard to shake.

Well, feelings are rarely one‐sided

how do you feel about him?

He is the father of my child

and a part of me will always care about him.

But for a minute there

I felt like it was more than just that.

Why, what happened?

You are sure nosy.

We started looking at each other

like we used to look at each other when we were together.

What do you mean?

You know, like..

...one of these..

And a couple of these..

[chuckling]

You are hard to shake.

What I'm hearing, Neesee, is that

you're in a cycle of failed relationships.

See, that's why I stopped seeing my other therapist.

I realized how jacked up I was and I got depressed.

Hell, I'm gettin' depressed now.

I'm leavin'.

Well, don't give up. You've already paid for an hour.

Use it. I'm certainly gonna use all your money.

So, in a perfect world, what would you want?

LL Cool J. dipped in chocolate

smothered with whipped cream with two cherries on top.

Let's assume you can't have that.

Let's talk about your parents.

Okay, well, we're gonna need a few more hours

and a bottle of Hpnotiq.

[instrumental music]

Well, hey, you.

Well, what's this? What you got?

Well..

I figured instead of you havin' lunch by yourself

I made us a picnic.

Ooh, is this..

Bean curd niblets and nut cutlets.

Thank you, baby.

You are the most amazing boyfriend

any vegetarian could ask for.

Ah, that's me.

Amazing.

You're amazing too, baby.

With a sexy smile..

Your sexy eyes

your sexy teeth..

You just sexy.

You did somethin' bad, didn't you?

Yeah.

Was it at Dirk's bachelor party?

No.

Was it with that little nasty computer girl?

‐ I knew it! ‐ No! No!

No, no, no, no.

[sighing]

Somethin' happened between me and Neesee.

[instrumental music]

Look, Tia, I know I should've told you this yesterday, but..

Neesee and I almost kissed.

‐ You almost kissed? ‐ Yes.

‐ Uh, no, no, no, I‐I‐‐ ‐ You kissed?

No, I said "Almost."

You know, I mean, I‐I‐I didn't say, "We kissed."

I mean, why‐why‐why would I do somethin' like that?

Well, you know what, let me just..

Let me just get this clear.

You almost kissed Neesee.

Your ex‐wife, Neesee?

The woman you can't stand, Neesee?

Bobby's momma, Neesee?

Okay, now you're makin' this sound

like I almost kissed four people.

Ugh, I'm sorry, I can't hear you right now.

Somethin' just popped

in my head.

Oh, yes, my sense of trust!

Okay, let me.. Look.

‐ Okay, look, look, look, Tia. ‐ What?

This is Neesee, this is me.

This is what happened.

That's it.

Not this.

‐ Not this! ‐ Okay, okay! Hey, now!

The kids are gonna play with these later.

Uh..

You don't have to explain anymore, okay? 'Cause I got it.

‐ Yeah, but you need to know‐‐ ‐ I got it.

‐ You know what‐‐ ‐ Got it!

‐ Are you gonna‐‐ ‐ Got it!

Hi, kids.

Alright.

Guess I'll see you at the wedding.

Alright, alright. No, no, no!

You just leave that. I got that too.

[instrumental music]

So, how is your relationship with your father?

I saw him three years ago at a stop light.

I waved, he waved back. We get along great.

Oh, I don't know, I'm sensing some trouble there.

How do I have a problem with someone I never see?

Are you saying you don't have any anger against your father?

Girl, is this you in the Afro?

You were workin' there!

[chuckling]

He left when I was 13.

He came back for my graduation.

Drunk with no gift.

And congratulated the wrong girl.

Came to my wedding

high, with no gift

and congratulated the wrong girl.

And, oh, yeah, my son, he's six.

And he's never seen him.

We're cool.

I'm not so sure about that.

Well, for someone charging $120 an hour

you don't seem too sure about a lot of things.

I think you're dealing with some very old

and very painful feelings.

Neesee, I think you should call your father.

And ruin our perfectly good relationship?

[chuckling]

Not an option.

If you want to resolve your relationship

with Robert and men in general

you have to start at the source.

Am I supposed to pay you for advice

I can get out of a fortune cookie?

[instrumental music]

Girl, if Dirk told me

he almost kissed one of his ex‐wives

I would..

[exhales] Let me stop

before I sweep my hair back.

Um..

I admire your strength, T. How do you do it?

Well, because it is your day. Okay?

We're just gonna focus on you!

‐ Oh, okay. ‐ Alright!

Hey, baby, you need any help with anything‐‐

Oh, no, no, no. No, no!

You're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding.

‐ Oh, okay. ‐ Mm‐hm.

‐ Alright. You sure‐‐ ‐ Got it!

Okay.

‐ I'm here for you‐‐ ‐ Gotcha!

She's still heated.

I don't even know why you opened your mouth in the first place.

The truth has never set any man free.

You think I'm gonna tell Jonelle all our honeymoon money

is in Delicious' thong?

Hell no!

I'm tryin' to get married.

Places everyone.

Hey, Dirk, you gotta turn around because you're not supposed

to see the bride before the wedding.

I did that my last three marriages.

We know how that story ended.

Okay. Okay.

Turtle, start the music.

You didn't get the music?

What, I provided the house!

What more do you want from me?

[sighing] Oh, man! Okay.

♪ Da da da‐da ♪

♪ Da da da‐da ♪

♪ Da da da‐da da da‐da ♪♪♪

Why does my wedding have to be so damn ghetto?

[Jonelle sighing]

You look very pretty tonight.

[scoffs] That's original.

Dearly beloved..

...we are gathered here today‐‐

Ow!

Hey, look, Tia, if you're still trippin' over the Neesee thing

why don't you just say somethin'?

I will not ruin my best friend's wedding.

Thank you.

So, let's just have it out

in the kitchen, shall we?

Oh, okay, so while you guys are in there

can you please get me a bottle of this‐is‐a‐wedding?

Obviously, you're mad and I understand, Tia.

Well, now you gotta help me understand, Robert, okay?

'Cause right now, I am thoroughly confused.

Because last time I checked

you and Neesee didn't even like each other.

Now you're trying to tell me you almost kissed?

Yeah, you gotta help me connect those dots, Robert.

Okay, when we were apart, Neesee and I

found a way to be friends again.

Ha‐ha‐oh.

So you two are friends now?

Look, I know it sounds crazy

but I was surprised and I'm sure she was surprised too.

But when everything went down

that's when we realized why we broke up in the first place.

Would you rather me not tell you?

No, I would rather it didn't happen at all.

But it happened, Tia, and I can't take that back.

Look, the reason why I'm tellin' you

is because I want our relationship

to be based on honesty.

Baby, so do I.

But now, there's gonna be some small part of me

that's always gonna be wonderin'

what's happenin' when you two are alone together.

And that's when you have to trust me. Okay?

And you can.

Tia, I would never hurt you.

And I would never jeopardize what we have together.

You do believe me, don't you?

Uh, I thought this was my day.

My day!

Dearly beloved..

...we are gathered here today to witness the wondrous union

'of Dirk Shalimar Black and Jonelle Shuflita Abrahams.'

The bride and groom have written their own vows.

My great grandma, rest her soul

always used to say..

"A woman is like a campfire.

"It'll keep you warm

"but if you don't tend to its needs

it might burn you up."

Don't get burnt up, Dirky.

Jonelle, I never wanted to marry again.

But I guess it's gonna happen so I'mma roll with it.

That's nice.

'By the powers vested in me..'

'...I now pronounce you husband and wife.'

Mr. Black, for the fourth time

you may kiss the bride.

[instrumental music]

There's my little magician.

I'm not a magician anymore.

Now, I'm James Brown.

Watch me.

[instrumental music]

[laughing]

[indistinct] This was it.

Oh.

Stay in school, baby. Stay in school.

[theme music]