Original subtitles

[bell ringing]

Bobby is such a delight, and so artistic.

Wow, Neesee, it's your graduation picture.

Look at this beautiful ashtray he made in arts and crafts.

It has ashes in it, Jonelle.

You smoke?

Well, I had to try it to see if it works.

If I was going to give him a A.

Well, come on, y'all try to teach kindergarten all day

and see if you don't suck down a pack a day.

Okay, but this is not about me. This is about Bobby.

That's right. And you know what?

I am happy that he's doin' well.

The boy knows his alphabet, he can count to 50

and he's not eatin' dirt.

So we're good till high school, right?

Well, no, no. Actually, um

there's just one little thing.

Is it the humming? Because that drives me crazy too.

It's his social skills.

Nothin' ain't wrong with Bobby's social skills.

Well, actually, um, lately

he tends to stay to himself quite a bit.

Mnh‐mnh‐mnh.

See, Robert, he gets that from you.

You and all your moods.

Neesee, don't you remember?

You took all my moods in a divorce.

Okay. Okay, come on, you two.

This is not the blame game.

Look, it's just that sometimes kids of the divorced

tend to put a little bit of a shell around themselves.

And Bobby had this big fallin' out with Reggie

and he hasn't connected with anyone else.

So if you two could encourage playdates, that could help.

If that's what it takes, then I guess that's what we want.

[alarm dings] Yeah.

‐ Is our time up? ‐ No.

I gotta feed my meter.

You know, they really need to provide

parkin' for the teachers.

♪ Often I wish that we could take the time to see ♪

♪ The need there is to be a family yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause it's all of us sometimes it can be rough ♪

♪ Time and seasons change but we will still remain ♪

♪ It's just all of us ♪ ♪ It's just all of us ♪

♪ It's just all of us ♪ ♪ It's just all of us ♪♪♪

‐ What's up, baby? ‐ Mwah. Hey. How'd it go?

Oh, like you don't know.

Like you kindergarten teachers don't sit around after school

chain‐smoking and gossiping about the children.

What? That is crazy.

Okay, Bobby just needs a couple of playdates.

Oh, so you did know.

Well, give Jonelle a couple of smokes

and she'll tell you anything.

Hey, look, when I was Bobby's age

there was only one solution to this problem.

Find out who the coolest kid is and hang out with him.

Well, things have changed, okay?

We don't judge the children in that way.

They're all equally as hip and wonderful‐‐

Tia!

Sammy Garrison's mom is right over there.

Damn, look at the crowd.

She ain't all that.

She is booking playdates for Sammy.

‐ So y'all better hurry up. ‐ I'll take care of it.

Wait a minute, Robert. All he needs to do is

make up with Reggie and he'll be fine.

Let me call Alex and see what we can do.

That's the past. That's the future.

So I'll see you Monday at 3:00.

‐ Excuse me. ‐ Yes.

‐ I'm Robert James. ‐ Um..

"Mr. LA."

Anyway, uh, my son, Bobby, is in Sammy's class.

Oh, yeah, Bobby. Cute kid. I'm Traci Garrison.

‐ Hey, how are you doin', Traci? ‐ Hi.

You know what, Traci, you really didn't

have to do us like that, alright?

Come on now, you didn't have to hurt us

like that, Traci. That ensemble there.

So, listen, Traci, I was wondering if the boys

could get together and play.

‐ We're really booked. ‐ Really?

‐ Yeah. ‐ That's too bad. Oh, wow.

You know what, I have the same file of facts.

You know, everybody is into that PalmPilot and all of that.

‐ I'm old school. I like pap‐‐ ‐ I like paper.

Yeah, me too.

So, uh, no spots, huh?

‐ No, I'm sorry. ‐ Yeah, that's too bad.

I heard so many great things about your kid.

And you know, that's the kind of energy I want my son around.

So keep us in mind, okay?

Well, actually, you might be in luck

because I hear Mikey Schmidt has double pneumonia.

Oh, that's great.

I mean, n‐n‐not for the, not for the little one

you know, but‐but that, uh..

Uh, wh‐wh‐what time?

Well, uh, I can give you 45 minutes on Wednesday

between Vinci Campbell and Zach Robinson.

‐ We'll take it. ‐ Yeah?

And who knows? Maybe Zach Robinson will come down

with somethin' and we'll get the whole hour.

‐ I‐I‐I'm just kidding. ‐ Okay.

Love the bag, too, Trace.

Uh, let's play hide‐and‐seek.

‐ I'll hide. ‐ Me too.

Okay.

[screaming]

They really look like they're hitting it off, huh?

‐ Oh. ‐ Yes, Sammy is a great kid.

‐ Yeah, thanks. ‐ 'Yeah.'

Sometimes, I wonder how he turned out so well.

I thought my divorce might have a negative effect on him

but he has more friends than ever.

You know, you know, you guys should come over more often.

You know? What do you say?

Well, let's see how today goes.

We rarely ever book a second playdate.

Tia, Tia, we just saw the neighbor's dog

lickin' his own butt.

See, now you see why I told you

not to share your ice cream with him.

Your dad's funny. Can we have ice cream?

Not before dinner.

Hey, hey, look here, fellas.

Rules are made to be broken.

You can have whatever you want, Little Rick Fox.

‐ What's your favorite dessert? ‐ Double fudge cake.

Tia...go make that.

I will, but it's gonna taste

a whole lot like cookies and milk.

[laughs]

Hey, dad, can we meet the tickle monster?

Well, you know, the tickle monster's doing 5:00 to 7:00

right now, but I'm available.

Come here. Where you going? Ah, I got you!

Right over here.

[laughter]

Uh‐oh. Uh‐oh.

Uh, what is it? What is it?

Oh, there's something in my eye.

Oh, well, let me see. Let me see.

Let me get it, let me get it.

Ah, looks like a eyelash.

‐ Oh! Oh, thank you. ‐ Got it.

‐ Make a wish. ‐ Oh.

What was the wish? Second playdate?

I can't tell you.

You know what, I'm gonna go help Tia.

Hey, you guys got room for a doofus?

Sure.

Hey, you know what would be funny?

If these guys right here, right?

This guy's from the Westside.

This guy's from Eastside.

He's like, Yo, dud. I'll bomb on you, son.

What are you talking to like that, man?

Don't be talkin' to me like that.

What you talking about?

‐ Come on, dad! Dad! ‐ Why you fight..

I sold more records than you.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

This isn't working.

Go in the kitchen.

‐ And get what? ‐ Out of my playdate.

You know, just because Reggie and Bobby

aren't hangin' out doesn't mean that we can't.

I mean, we really need to squash their fight.

Like a grape and make it into more wine, right?

I'll just get Reggie to apologize.

No, I'll get Bobby to apologize.

No, no, no, Reggie should apologize.

I mean, he did beat up Bobby.

Which is wrong.

Well, you know, Bobby did talk about his mama.

Which is me. But, you know, Reggie can be a bully.

And Bobby does have that mouth.

You're right about that.

Alright, you know what, you win.

‐ Bobby should apologize. ‐ Yes. I do win.

But Reggie should apologize.

First of all, Bobby started it.

And second of all, five red cards ain't anything.

‐ Well, Bobby didn't start it. ‐ Uh, yes, he did.

When he called me, uh, uh..

‐ What did he call me? ‐ I don't remember.

But it was funny.

What's funny is your son's annoying humming.

‐ That's what's funny. ‐ Unh‐unh‐unh.

It's a soulful murmur.

And we're working on it.

Yeah, some things take a little bit longer for some kids.

Ooh.

All I know is that I have a full house.

‐ No, you don't. ‐ Yes, I do.

And I'd like to have an empty one now.

(Traci) 'This is great, Robert. You know, I don't think'

'I've ever had a picnic indoors before.'

Hey, we set up the second playdate.

No reason to let a little bit of rain ruin it, right?

Plus, the boys really wanted a picnic.

Yeah. Oh, by the way, I caught

your "Mr. LA" segment on TV yesterday.

You were great. The camera just loves you.

Ah, thank you.

[laughing]

But, you know, it's all in the lighting.

Oh, that's not true, baby.

Uh, it's the makeup too.

[screaming]

Ahoy, mateys!

Ah, prepare to die!

‐ What's up, guys? ‐ We're not guys, we're pirates.

Arrr!

Okay, then you guys must be familiar

with the legend of Captain Corkscrew!

Har‐de‐harr! Matey!

[grunting]

O‐okay, okay. Hey, hey, hey.

Take it easy, Captain Corkscrew.

Those pirates are gonna really need some eye patches.

Mommy, can we have more potato salad?

‐ Yes. ‐ And can I have more juice?

You mean, vittles and grog, huh?

Ya, ya, ya, ya!

Oh, alright, come on.

[laughs] You're hysterical, Robert.

Sammy just loves you.

Oh, well, you know, he's a great kid.

Yeah, you know, you're such a positive role model

for him, you know.

Sammy really needs that.

More cider?

Um, yeah, just, just a little bit.

Little bit.

Heavy‐handed, huh?

[laughing]

You're a great catch.

[chuckles] Tia's a very lucky girl.

Oh, no, no, no, I'm‐I'm the lucky one.

Yeah, you could be.

Wouldn't it be great if adults could have playdates?

Who wants more potato salad?

Me! Me. I do.

[sighs]

Mm. Mm‐mm.

I just love my baby's potato salad.

It's Traci's.

[coughing]

You alright?

I got a serious situation here, man.

No, you don't. What you got is a ladder to the penthouse.

Listen, just tell this chick, back off.

‐ I can't. ‐ Bobby's only friend is Sammy.

And Jonelle tells me that he needs these playdates.

Both my parents were psychiatrists

and they never believed in playdates.

Your parents were psychiatrists?

They weren't licensed or anything.

You know what, why am I talking to two guys

that don't even have any kids?

What makes you think I don't have kids?

Do you?

As a matter of fact, I have eight.

‐ Eight? ‐ Eight?

Yeah.

You can, too, for just 17 cents a day.

Girl, I hate it when we fight.

Me too.

Aw.

You know, I heard this crazy rumor

that Bobby had a second playdate‐‐

Ah‐ha!

I knew you want to jump onboard the Sammy Garrison bandwagon.

What? No!

But now that you mention it, I think it's a great idea

if Bobby, Reggie and Sammy play altogether.

I mean, there are so many better games for three

like, uh, uh, duck, duck, goose.

You know, you need at least two ducks and a goose.

Listen, Alex.

Sammy and Bobby are way beyond duck, duck, goose.

‐ What's that supposed to mean? ‐ Nothing.

It's just that Bobby and Sammy are very mature.

Honey, Reggie is very mature.

He watches "Law And Order."

[sighs] Criminals love that show.

You know, on that note, I'm out of here.

[knock on door]

‐ Robert! ‐ Reggie!

I‐I know it's been a while, but I'm Alex.

No. Reggie, Reggie. Is Reggie here?

‐ No. Why? ‐ Huh?

Um, well, you know, thousands of kids

are missin' every day.

Excuse me for being concerned.

Hey, Bobby, why don't you go brush your teeth before bed?

‐ Already did. ‐ Okay.

Why don't you eat this candy and go brush 'em again?

Hey, Neesee, we need to get

Reggie and Bobby back together now.

Why? What's the problem with Sammy?

Oh, no, no, no. What's the problem with you?

Ain't no problem with me.

The problem is with Sammy's mother, Traci.

She tried to get at me.

[laughs]

Hoo‐hoo. Why?

What do you mean why?

The point is, she tried to get at me.

Boy, please.

‐ Did she touch you? ‐ No.

Did she say she wanted to touch you?

No.

Well, did you touch her?

No, she tried to get at me. All of this!

Ever since we were married, you were so convinced

that every woman wanted to sleep with you.

Including me.

I don't care if you don't believe me.

All I know is Bobby needs a new friend, alright?

Whether it's Reggie, the boy with double pneumonia

or one of Turtle's kids.

Oh, wait, wait, Turtle has kids?

That's not the point.

You know what, let Sammy's mother get to know you.

She'll leave you alone.

Hey, Bobby, you need to get your toys together

'cause Sammy and his mom are gonna be here any minute, okay?

‐ Okay, Tia. ‐ Again?

Look, is Bobby the only kid

that doesn't have double pneumonia?

What's your problem with Sammy?

My problem's not with Sammy, it's with his mother, Traci.

Okay, baby, come here. Come here. Come on.

What's going on, hm?

Look, baby, I didn't wanna tell you this

'cause I thought it would crush you.

But at the picnic, Traci tried to get at me.

What? Did she touch you?

No.

Did she say she wanted to touch you?

No, but she tried to get at me.

Why does everybody blame the victim?

Victim? Please, honey.

You always think somebody's trying to get at you.

You were all convinced that Barbara Bush was trying

to get at you at last year's library fundraising.

Hey, if there's smoke up top, there's fire below.

Okay, honey, maybe she did try to come on to you‐‐

‐ She did. ‐ Okay, she did. She did.

But I'm sure you can handle it, huh?

So handle it.

(Bobby) 'Sammy's here! Sammy's here!'

‐ Hi, everybody. ‐ 'Hi.'

Tia, Tia, we wanna play warlocks and zombies.

Can we eat your brain, please?

Why don't we fatten up our brains

with a little arithmetic first?

‐ Oh, man! ‐ Yeah.

Baby.

You know, I‐I had a really good time at the picnic yesterday.

Yeah, Traci, I think we need to talk about that.

Yeah, what about it?

Look, don't be tryin' to act all innocent, alright?

You disrespected me and Tia in this house.

And that's no way for the vice president

of the PTA to be behavin'.

What? What are you talking about?

You came on to me.

Unh‐unh. You tried to get at me.

What? Did I touch you?

Did I say I wanted to touch you?

What book are you all readin'?

For future reference, this is coming on to you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Girl, what's wrong with you?

Look, Traci, I know divorce is hard, okay?

I've been through it myself, alright?

But I'm not the answer for you, Traci.

I'm in love with Tia, alright? She's my soulmate.

I'm on a journey with her and there's no one

that's coming between that.

Wow. I thought I was feelin' you before, but now..

Hey! This is how you handle it?

Girl, are you possessed?

See? I told you, baby.

See, I‐I was handlin' it, right?

And then she just came at me like a cobra shank like‐like..

Whoa, Robert, you've been tracking me

since the first day you saw me outside of class.

What about that, "Ooh, file of facts" action?

And, "Ooh, I found an eyelash."

And, "Ooh, let's have a second playdate."

Those sound like pickup lines to you?

Well, it's all in how you say them.

No, it's all in how you hear them and I've heard enough.

So you need to get your son, your file of facts

and your little eyelash and get the hell out of my house!

Hey!

‐ Are you asking me to leave? ‐ Just go.

Aw, you're really bad at reading signals, huh?

Just so there's no confusion

this is me throwing you out of my house!

Now see, baby? You see, that's how you handle it!

Okay, that's how you get it done!

[knock on door]

Oh, snap!

She might want a rematch.

I, uh, need my son.

Hey, Little Rick Fox, it's time to go!

I can't find my shoes.

Here, just go buy some new ones, man.

Y'all just get up out of here. Get up on out of here.

Out of here.

Alright, goodbye, Sammy. Bye, Sammy.

You're right, Alex. I was silly too.

We should never fight.

Put Reggie on the phone and I'll get Bobby

and we'll have them apologize at the same time.

Okay, I'm gonna put you on speaker.

Okay, Bobby, at the count of three

I want you to say I'm sorry.

‐ Okay. ‐ One, two, three.

‐ Pfft! ‐ 'I'm sorry.'

Ha‐ha!

[laughing]

My man! Yeah!

Okay, here you go. Here you go.

Got your juice, alright.

Hey, man, thanks for bringing Sammy by. He's a great kid.

Well, he doesn't get it from his mom.

You got that right.

So I hear you're a Laker's fan.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hey, I'm in sports promotion, you know?

I can get great floor seats.

We should go sometime.

Yo, that would be great.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Super.

Maybe, uh, next week.

Say, did anybody ever tell you?

You have the sexiest eyes.

Tia!

Baby, you're gonna have to handle this one.

[theme music]