Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

[telephone ringing]

(Robert on answering machine) 'Hey, it's us.'

'And us ain't pickin' up, so leave a message.'

(Jonelle on answering machine) 'Hey, T, today is the day.'

'Happy birthday, girl.'

'Pick up. I know you're there.'

'You're probably snoopin' around lookin' for your presents.'

'Aren't you? Pick up the phone, girl.'

Hello.

No, no, I was not snooping.

No, I snooped all day yesterday.

Today I'm just flat out lookin'.

Well, no, I haven't found anything.

Well, unless my present is a moldy Fruit Roll‐Up

or a dust bunny that looks like Frederick Douglass.

Oh, I hear Robert. I gotta go. See you at school.

Ah, there you are. I got somethin' for you.

‐ Oh, really? ‐ Yeah.

Two more shirts for your trip to the dry cleaners.

Okay, but, honey, um

isn't there something you want to tell me?

Oh, my bad. I love you.

Huh.

‐ Ah, you thought I forgot! ‐ Oh!

‐ You thought I forgot! ‐ I did.

‐ You thought I forgot. ‐ I did.

‐ You thought I forgot! ‐ I did. I did!

Mwah! There.

♪ Often I wish that we ♪

♪ Could take the time to see ♪

♪ The need there is to be ♪

♪ A family yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause it's All Of Us ♪

♪ Sometimes it can be rough ♪

♪ Time and seasons change ♪

♪ But we will still remain ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪ ♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪♪♪

[school bell ringing]

♪ Happy birthday dear Tia ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪♪

[cheering]

[cheering]

Oh, come on, y'all, I don't look that good.

Tia, I painted you a birthday card.

Oh, thank you, Bobby. That means so much to me.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Ooh, and so wet. Heh‐heh.

Hey, that's my card.

And what a very absorbent card it is.

[chuckles] Hey, thank you, everybody. Thank you.

Tia, I'm this many. How many are you?

Oh, uh, put up your other hand, both feet and find a friend.

So what does Robert have planned for your big night?

Oh, I don't know 'cause he hasn't said anything.

But, you know, I'm guessin' it's somewhere real special

because he had me clean his good shirt.

You mean he hasn't told you yet?

No, and he didn't even

wish me a happy birthday.

Hey, he couldn't have forgotten, right?

‐ No.. ‐ No, girl.

Hell, yeah.

You see these three rings?

Each one's from a birthday that man forgot.

Well, what's the fourth one for?

I forgot.

Come on, Bobby, let's go.

Wait, I didn't get any cake yet.

Well, maybe not in your mouth.

[chuckles]

Tia, don't worry, I'm sure

Robert has some big surprise planned.

[cell phone ringing] Oh.

‐ It's Robert. ‐ See?

‐ Oh, pick it up! Pick it up! ‐ You heard her!

‐ It is red. ‐ It's red everywhere.

‐ Girl! ‐ Hey, kids, kids, please, shh.

Oh, girl, they're all caked‐up.

‐ That ain't happenin'. ‐ You're right.

Hello. Hey.

Uh‐huh. Mm‐hmm. Right.

He wants me to come down to the office for my flu shot.

[chuckles] Yeah, baby, I'd love to come down for my flu shot.

Yeah, uh‐huh. Okay, love you, too. Bye.

Hey, are you going over there now?

‐ 'Cause I wanna get one, too. ‐ Uh!

Lily, girl, there's no flu shot.

No, that's just some code speak.

You know, like, flew, like, in a airplane.

‐ Somewhere like that, yeah. ‐ Ooh, girl!

What if he's taking you to Hawaii?

‐ Oh! ‐ Oh, my goodness. Okay, okay.

Well, whatever it is, I gotta act surprised.

‐ Oh, well, let's practice. ‐ Okay.

‐ Surprise! ‐ Oh!

‐ Go work on it in the car. ‐ Yeah.

[mumbles]

Bye, you guys. I'll call you later.

‐ 'Bye.' ‐ Have fun.

[upbeat music]

Okay, uh, listen, um

there are only three things in this world

that I'm deathly afraid of.

Um, mustard

wraparound sunglasses

and, uh, yeah, needles.

So can you just give me a three count, okay?

‐ Okay, one.. ‐ Yeah.

Uh, sweet potato pie!

‐ Somebody bring pie? ‐ No.

Damn, man. Now I'm in a mood for pie.

‐ What up, brother? ‐ What's up, Dirk?

You. Big story breakin'.

The stunt‐man union is picketing a premiere tonight.

They expect it to get ugly.

Well, it's about to get uglier

'cause I'll be there.

That sounds dangerous.

You better send your stunt double.

[scoffs] Turtle, for the last time

you are not my stunt double.

Then explain why I can do this.

Um, you're a freak?

I‐I'm here!

[chuckles]

Oh. Hey, baby.

What's up, baby? You look beautiful today.

‐ Well, it's a special day. ‐ Mm.

‐ Oh, come with me. ‐ Oh, okay.

‐ Sit in this chair right here. ‐ Alright.

‐ Should I close my eyes? ‐ I would.

Ooh.

Oh, it starts with a little massage first, huh?

Ow! That's my teaching arm.

Um, baby, you're taking this a little too far, aren't you?

Hey, brah, you gotta roll

if you're gonna make it to the thing by 7:00.

‐ Oh, that's right. ‐ The thing?

The thing? What thing?

[chuckles] I shouldn't be hearing this, right? Right.

♪ La‐la‐la‐la‐la la‐la‐la‐la‐la.. ♪

You're next.

♪ La‐la‐la‐la‐la ♪

♪ La‐la‐la‐la‐la‐la la‐la‐la ♪♪♪

Hell, no.

♪ La‐la‐la‐la la‐la‐la‐la‐la‐la.. ♪♪♪

[upbeat music]

Hey, baby, I'm about to be out.

Oh, okay, okay, but what do you think?

‐ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. ‐ Mm, mm, mm.

‐ Ah‐ah! ‐ Mm..

‐ Damn, baby, where you going? ‐ Oh, I don't know. You tell me.

[chuckles] Uh..

A sexy funeral?

[laughing] You are so silly.

Honey, I'mma go finish my makeup and I'll be right back down.

Okay.

‐ Yeah, but I really got to go. ‐ Whatever.

[doorbell ringing]

[clears throat]

‐ Daddy! ‐ Hey‐hey, what's up, big fella?

‐ What you doing here? ‐ We bought this.

Oh. Oh, it's a little early for Father's Day.

But, uh, I'll take it.

Daddy, what are you doin'? That's for Tia.

It's her birthday.

♪ One two three ♪♪♪

[humming]

I am ready..

Hey, baby, look, look, w‐what we got you.

You thought I forgot.

You thought I forgot, right?

You thought I forgot.

[upbeat music]

Oh, gee, thanks!

It looks like you both put a lot of work into this.

He didn't do anything.

Who you think bought the macaroni?

You ain't got no job.

Well, thanks, Bobby. This is so special.

Will you wear it tonight?

Uh, well, I..

I should probably get it insured first.

[chuckles] Hey, honey, shouldn't we get goin'?

‐ Oh, yeah, sure, yeah, yeah. ‐ Okay.

Yes.

Hey, uh, baby, I'll be right out, okay?

Okay, hurry up.

So you remembered.

‐ Hell, no. ‐ I didn't think so.

I gotta cover a stunt‐man strike.

Good because you're gonna need somebody

to teach you how to take a punch.

Ah. Come on, Neesee, listen.

‐ You're a caterer, right? ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ I need you to cater for me. ‐ Mnm‐mnm.

‐ Forget it. ‐ Please, Neesee?

I'm gonna be gone for two hours.

I need you to get Dirk and whoever else can make

this place look like this party's been planned all year.

I am not in the business

of saving my ex‐husband's ass.

‐ I'll triple your fee. ‐ My business just expanded.

[chuckles] Cool. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Go. The food will be great.

I'll take care of it.

Come on, baby, looks like we're gonna

have to boil your necklace.

Oh, man!

[upbeat music]

Nine o'clock. Yeah, tonight.

Well, it won't be a surprise party

if you knew about it in advance.

‐ Right? ‐ Mommy.

Hey, whoever that is, tell them to bring

some fresh Italian parsley.

Bring some fresh Italian parsley‐‐

The flat‐leaf kind, not the curly kind.

This is for cookin' and not garnishing.

Don't let them get it mixed up with cilantro

because it looks alike.

They hung up.

You lost them at garnish.

‐ Mommy? ‐ Yes, puddin'?

‐ I want apple juice. ‐ Just a second.

Hey, y'all, it was slim pickings at the party store

but I got a birthday banner, but it got dinosaurs on there.

Look, look, look, just change

the T‐rex to Tia and you'll be fine.

Jonelle, you've got to make this place look festive.

Well, Jonelle needs to make a cocktail.

‐ Make that two. ‐ Make that three.

I still haven't gotten my juice.

Dirk, juice box for Bobby and one for you.

Now take him in the living room and entertain him.

I'll take the apple juice, you take the fruit punch.

‐ I hate fruit punch. ‐ Mind your elders, boy.

So you got a box of gin and juice?

Girl, please.

Look, this is too much to ask of a person in two hours.

Shoot, Robert forgot, I didn't forget.

I got my best friend a present months ago

and I already sang her "Happy Birthday" and everything

earlier today, and I'm really getting tired

of being ordered around here like some‐‐

Well, ho‐ho‐ho‐ho!

Just save all that hot air for the balloons.

Come on, chop‐chop, huff‐puff.

Less talk, more work.

Nees, it's hard to believe you're divorced.

Hey, man, come on now.

Nice bumper sticker. "What would Jesus do?"

He'd drive faster, that's what he'd do.

Baby, come on, don't worry.

It's not like they can start without us.

You're right, baby.

‐ So where are you taking me? ‐ Huh?

‐ Wait, now, don't tell me. ‐ Okay.

‐ No, tell me. ‐ Huh?

No. No, never mind, never mind, don't tell..

Okay.

[upbeat music]

I got three hotels on Park Place and you're in jail

and I'm not coming to visit.

Yeah, well, now I'm out of jail.

‐ How? ‐ With this.

‐ That's Water Works. ‐ No, it's not.

It's Johnnie Cochran's business card.

‐ Jonelle? ‐ Yeah?

Can you tell me where Tia keeps her paprika?

Uh, at the grocery store?

Girl, you've tasted her food. She don't season.

Mommy, do you want to hear a joke?

Oh, mommy's busy, baby.

Please? Real quick?

‐ Okay, real quick. ‐ Okay.

A dog and a cat were walking down the street.

Wait, it wasn't a dog. It was a‐‐

Wait, when have you seen a dog and a cat hangin' out together?

Dirk, would you let the boy finish his joke?

Okay, so anyway, a dog and a squirrel and a bear

go in a tree house.

No, I mean, a cave. Or was it the North Pole?

[laughs]

The North Pole. That's great.

[laughs]

Doesn't make any sense.

It's funny. Think about it.

Do I smell somethin' burnin'?

‐ Yeah, the back of my neck. ‐ Oh!

‐ Oh! ‐ Oh, no.

Wow!

Look at all those people.

Y‐yeah, there sure is a lot of people.

I wonder what all those signs say.

Is it, "Happy birthday, Tia?"

That would be great, wouldn't it?

[chuckles]

"Die, non‐union scabs?"

Oh, damn.

That was supposed to be on the cake.

[cell phone ringing]

Huh?

[smoke alarm beeping]

Robert, I'm gonna try to stay positive.

The glass is half full.

That's because I threw the other half on the fire in the kitchen.

Okay, these are no longer chicken nor tender.

That's what it was!

A chicken and a cat.

So a chicken and a cat

are in the tree house.

Man, here's ten dollars. Go buy yourself a punchline.

‐ So everything's cool? ‐ 'No. Everything's burned.'

(Neesee on phone) 'This party's not happening.'

[glass shattering]

'Bobby, stop it.'

'That's how grandma lost her hand!'

[indistinct chanting]

Um, okay. Okay, then.

Alright, I'll see you.

Alright, bye, grandma.

[indistinct chanting]

Robert, why are we at a labor strike on my birthday?

Huh?

Um, well, baby, you know

with you being a teacher and all

I figured you'd wanna support your union brothers.

Okay, look.

Baby, I screwed up, and I don't mean

accidentally‐took‐your‐keys‐ to‐work‐with‐me screwed up.

I mean, I‐accidentally‐forgot‐ your‐birthday screwed up.

Wow. That bad, huh?

Well, okay, I'm ready. Just tell me.

No, that's it. I forgot your birthday.

You forgot my birthday? No, 'cause back at home‐‐

Look, baby, I just want to be honest with you, okay?

Bobby made the noodle necklace by himself.

And if Neesee hadn't reminded me

I had no idea it was your birthday.

Well, I hope Neesee remembers our anniversary, too.

Look, baby, I promise, I'll make it up to you.

I'm gonna buy you the best birthday present you ever seen.

Hm. Let me guess. A ring?

Come on, baby, I don't wanna ruin the surprise.

Honey, the only surprise

is that you think I care about presents.

When I was growing up, we didn't even

give each other presents. We just wrote poems.

"Roses are red

violets are blue."

I'm sorry I forgot your birthday..

...boo.

Let's just go home.

Okay, but I got a, uh

little, tiny..

...itsy‐bitsy interview.

‐ I'm sorry, what did you say? ‐ Interview.

Did I hear you say, "Interview?"

‐ Huh? ‐ You have to work?

You know what, Robert, you do whatever you have to do.

Well, it's my birthday, you messing it up..

[engine starts]

‐ You know I love you, right? ‐ Oh!

[all gasping]

I'm okay!

[cheering]

Baby, thanks for being so patient about this whole mess.

Let's not mix our verbs, okay?

I wasn't patient, I was trapped.

Well, actually, baby, one of those is a adverb‐‐

It's my birthday!

And I say they are both verbs!

Alright?

(all) Surprise!

Oh‐oh‐oh! Ah..

Happy birthday, girl.

And by the way, you're both wrong.

One's an adjective.

You look more surprised than Tia.

‐ What the hell happened? ‐ I pulled off a miracle.

Oh, baby, I knew you didn't forget.

No, baby, I forgot.

Oh...you, between the flu shot

and you hitting that person with your car

you really had me going.

So they did have flue shots. Ah, great.

‐ Baby, no, really, I forgot. ‐ Come on.

Will you guys tell her I forgot?

‐ Oh, he forgot. ‐ Yeah, he forgot.

Okay, nice try, nice try.

So where's the cake?

Ta‐da!

I present to you cherries flambe.

And for those of you that don't speak Neesee

it's cherries on fire.

[chuckles] Cherries on fire.

Ain't that something, the whole damn kitchen on fire

except for the one thing that's supposed to be.

Step aside.

Mm‐hmm.

[chuckles]

Ah‐ha..

Happy birthday, Tia.

[chuckles] It‐it's beautiful.

[chuckles]

‐ Thank you. ‐ You're welcome.

It is beautiful.

Now, there's only one person that I know

that'd rather have cherries flambe

on their birthday instead of cake.

And who would that be?

Sorry I never remembered.

Happy birthday, Neesee.

Thanks, but tell that to your fiancee.

‐ It's her birthday, not mine. ‐ You're right.

‐ I'll holler at you in June. ‐ September.

August. Split the difference.

Well, this is so great.

[indistinct chatter]

‐ Thank you so much. ‐ Just take it.

You know, you gotta let it get pssh. You know what I mean?

[chuckling]

[instrumental music]

Oh, baby, I got you a little something.

Oh, really, honey, after this party

you don't have to get me anything.

Yeah, I know, but I did.

What you got?

A little jewelry from Italy.

[gasping] Pasta earrings.

‐ Oh, they're beautiful. ‐ Yeah.

They're kind of hot with some marinara on 'em.

Oh, okay. I'll remember that. I'll remember that.

‐ Thank you, baby. ‐ Happy birthday, baby.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Yeah, get them off. Get them off.

‐ Alright. ‐ You got your feet done, right?

‐ 'Cause I don't want you cut‐‐ ‐ You know what..

[Tia chuckling]

[footsteps approaching]

Mm, mm. Mm, mm, mm, mm.

Who knew

that cherry flambe

had liquor in it?

Whoo!

Where'd everybody go? Let's party!

Oh.

What y'all doin'?

Was y'all kissing, romance? I'm just.. Go.

Kiss her, Robert. Her birthday.

Kiss her. Kiss her.

[theme music]