Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

‐ What's up, baby? ‐ 'Hey.'

Um, what.. Where is your mom?

Oh, Tia, the woman took a cab and a train

and flew five hours to see us.

Where else would she be..

...but on a side walk telling Ms. Bare‐A‐Shake

how to make cornflake chicken?

Okay, but tell me, d‐does the house look okay?

Do I look okay? Can you tell that that's plastic fruit?

‐ Yes, yes and yes. ‐ I didn't have time.. Okay.

Look, baby, relax. My mom loved you when she met you, right?

Yeah, but she met me when I was just your girlfriend.

Now, I'm your fiancee.

[laughs]

So, fiancee..

...enough talk about me.

Come and give me a hug.

Oh, Marvella, you look amazing.

You can call me Marva.

‐ Oh, okay. ‐ Okay?

Now, where is my grandbaby?

Neesee is on her way with him right now.

I should've known, I saw those dogs

running around in circles outside.

Um.

That's because they smell

the ham in your bag.

Ooh, that's right, I got a big ol' ham.

Anybody hungry?

Oh, I guess you are. Poor babies, you got plastic food.

♪ Often I wish that we ♪

♪ Could take the time to see ♪

♪ The need there is to be a family yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause it's all of us ♪

♪ Sometimes it can be rough ♪

♪ Time and seasons change ♪

♪ But we will still remain ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪♪♪

‐ Grandma, grandma, grandma! ‐ Hey!

My little prince.

Let me see how much bigger

and how much handsomer you've gotten since I saw you last.

Tell me.

This much bigger and this much handsomer.

Whoo, you're so right.

You are telling the truth.

Oh, Neesee.

Marva...you're looking well.

I know.

Nice boots.

I know.

You know, it's always nice to see you two catch up like this.

Sweetie, have fun with grandma, I'll be back

to pick you up in a few hours.

‐ Okay. ‐ Oh, no, no, no, girlfriend.

‐ He just got here. ‐ And I'll bring him back.

I'm taking him to see "SpongeBob Live."

You don't know what I did to get these tickets.

Whoo, but I can imagine.

Marva, I said that I'll bring him back.

Can grandma come with us, please?

Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, see

mommy only has two tickets.

Oh, Neesee, that's so sweet of you.

I can take my baby, 'cause I hardly ever see my grandson.

Thank you, Neesee.

Thanks, mom!

Ah, no problem.

Come on, sweetie, we're in the front row.

‐ Cool. ‐ Yes, man!

Woo, the joke's on her.

Three hours of dancing sea food.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Dirk Black.

I'm Dirk Black.

Turtle, Turtle, excuse him.

He thinks he's people. Yeah.

I'm Robert.

You don't remember me, do you, Robert?

I.. You look kinda familiar.

Did I meet you at the Missy Elliott release party?

No, silly.

It was at our college graduation

I was with Dirk's parents.

Oh, no, that can't be true, because the only person

that was with Dirk parents was his brother Tyron.

I dropped...my tie.

You look like you dropped more than just a tie.

It's Roni now.

Damn!

‐ For real? ‐ For real.

Oh, my God! Look at you, man. What..

So, what just happened?

I'm Dirk's brother.

Can I just say, hot diggity damn?

Little Tyron, what's up, man?

‐ Oh, man. ‐ I haven't seen you in years.

Oh, man, what's up? What's new with you?

No, I'm just in town auditioning for "America's next top model."

You got my vote.

Oh, my God.

Tyron, look, I me‐I mean, Tyroni..

‐ You.. ‐ Whatever.

‐ I'll be right back. Okay? ‐ Okay.

[sighing]

What are you doin'?

I love you, man.

That's nice to know.

Who's this bad mambo jambo over here?

Um..

Listen, man, um, I got good news and I got bad news.

‐ Uh‐huh. ‐ Now, the good news is..

I don't think you'll have any trouble

gettin' her to go home with you.

Oh, I know that's right, bro.

This type of thing is in my genes.

Yeah, hers too.

Well, what's the bad news?

Aren't you gonna say hi to your sister?

I don't, I don't have a sister.

[whispering] You do now.

[instrumental music]

Okay, this next one is a lemon wedding cake

with white chocolate raspberry mousse filling.

Now, be sure to mark the ones you like with a flag.

Hell, I like 'em all.

Um, I love getting married.

‐ Umh. ‐ Umh.

Baby, I'm sorry, I'm late.

But Dirk's brother came by today

and dude told us, he actually cut off his..

Chocolate?

This is good too, honey?

Now, honey, come on, don't spoil your appetite for dinner.

Who needs dinner?

We got cake, baby.

No, c'mon, I wanna go out.

You're not gonna cook?

Alright.

I'm going, too.

And so is this coconut cream cake.

‐ Bye. ‐ See ya.

Hey, you and Bobby have fun at the show.

‐ Okay, sweetie. Bye. ‐ Alright, buh‐bye.

Grandma, grandma, we better go.

They said, if you get there early

you get to shake hands with Squidward

and get your picture taken with Gary the snail.

And can we wait around afterwards to meet Sandy Cheeks

and maybe SpongeBob himself?

Damn that Neesee!

That's okay, sweetie.

Let's get ready to meet SpongeBlob.

SpongeBob, grandma.

Okay, whatever. Just go get the tickets, honey.

I left them on the coffee table, okay?

‐ Okay. ‐ Thank you.

Ummh.

"SpongeBob Live." Cool!

Grandma?

Grandma?

Grandma!

Grandma, what's wrong?

Grandma, stop playing.

Grandma, open your eyes.

Hello?

This is Robert Humphrey James Jr.

I am five years old

and I live at 425, Leewood drive.

My grandma's laying on the floor and she needs help.

Yes, I'll hold.

[instrumental music]

[upbeat music]

‐ Mom, we got the message. ‐ Oh, wait, wait, wait.

‐ Are you alright? ‐ Don't get so worked up.

Everything is fine.

I just have a little

tiny, smidge of diabetes.

Since when?

Since, um six months ago or so.

What? Is there anything else you're holdin' back?

Like a pinch of heart disease or a dollar per polio?

Bobby, honey, why don't you and I go in the kitchen?

Alright, but since grandma's alright

if we hurry we could still make

the second half of "SpongeBob Live."

Not tonight, okay? We'll go another time.

But hey, how about a big old piece of wedding cake?

‐ Okay. ‐ Mm, that's a good idea.

Uh, not you.

Not you.

Mom, you have diabetes.

If you keep eatin' sweets, you're gonna die.

I know how to take care of myself.

Only thing I need you to do is go in the kitchen

and get me a Coke so I can take these freakin' pills.

[instrumental music]

So?

We meet again.

Dirk, you can't avoid me forever.

Why didn't you return my calls?

I left you over 12 messages.

Oh, that was you?

It sounded like a woman.

Look, I know it's been a while, okay?

"A while?" You didn't even come to my wedding.

I went to the first two.

Well, I'm sorry about your last divorce.

It's hard to believe that a spur‐of‐the‐moment marriage

to a bipolar stripper didn't work out.

Yeah, well, all I heard was bi, so..

Well, now that I explained my divorce

how about you explain your divorce..

...from your penis?

We had irreconcilable differences.

Okay, I can't handle that.

Oh, come on, Dirk.

Can you honestly tell me that you had no idea?

I mean, come on, you knew there was something

going on inside of me.

When we were kids..

...and we used to play cowboys‐and‐Indians?

I always wanted to be Pocahontas.

Oh, yeah.

And remember when we used to play

cops‐and‐robbers?

And I always wanted to be..

‐ Pocahontas. ‐ Pocahontas.

Okay, so I guess, the clues were there.

Dirk, I don't expect you to understand

all of this overnight.

But I'm going home.

And I'mma tell momma and daddy.

And I want you right there by me for my support.

Don't you have a bra for that?

Dirk, please.

I need my brother.

Yeah, so do I.

I'm sorry.

I can't help you, lady.

[instrumental music]

Hey‐hey, puddin.'

Did you have a good time at the show last night?

We didn't go.

I paid $60 for those tickets.

Why didn't your grandma take you?

‐ She almost died. ‐ What?

Yeah, she asked me to get the ticket.

Came in, saw grandma lying down on the floor

all crunched up.

Called the ambulance.

A fire truck came, had some cake.

Daddy said grandma was gonna die.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, baby.

Grandma gonna do what now?

Look, ma, if you don't take care of yourself

this is gonna be your last time seeing your grandbaby.

Ma, don't you know that diabetes

causes high blood pressure, it can put you in a coma

and it can make you go blind?

And I wish it would make me go deaf too

so I wouldn't have to hear your mouth.

Alright, fine. You don't want me to talk, I'm not talking.

Oh, so you're giving mama the silent treatment

the way you did when you were a little child, huh?

Oh, okay. Then two can play that game, pookie.

Hmph!

Yeah, yeah, good visit. Good visit.

Could someone please tell me

what the hell is going on in here?

Well, I guess I'm gonna have to answer

'cause nobody else here is talking.

Well, somebody better start moving their lips

because Bobby thinks that you are gonna..

[expectorates]

Oh, well, my son thinks that I'm‐‐

[indistinct arguing]

Mom, if you keep that kinda attitude

all you're gonna do is get worse and worse‐‐

Did I hear you talking to me?

Oh, you're talking to mama, now, huh?

No, I'm not.

Well, then I'm not talking

to you either, you little troll.

Well, somebody better start talking

because Bobby is asking questions about death.

No, no, he's too young for this.

I know exactly how to handle this.

It's called the art of distraction.

Hey, Bobby, grab your coat, daddy is gonna buy you a puppy!

(Bobby) 'Yay!'

'Will he die?'

Okay, plan B.

[instrumental music]

[knocking on door]

Oh, it's my brother.

And what a surprise, she has baggage.

Can you get my bag?

Dirk, I just stopped by, you know

right before I left town.

Oh, okay, I see, y'all having a party up in here.

Yeah, Robert's bachelor party.

Guys only, so you are not invited.

You know, I can still kick your ass.

Not in those heels, you can't.

Oh, really?

Oh, okay.

You're gonna fight me?

Yeah, you little sissy ass punk.

You're gonna get your pretty new ass kicked right now.

You still fight like a punk, bi‐a‐tch!

Yeah.

[screaming]

[grunting]

This is for making me watch "Magnum, P. I."

when you know I like "Dynasty!"

[grunts] Get your ass up, you punk ass.

‐ Get off me! Get off! ‐ Why are you hitting yourself?

‐ Why are you hitting yourself? ‐ Get off!

‐ Why are you hitting yourself? ‐ Get off!

‐ Get off! ‐ Why are you hitting yourself?

‐ Say uncle. ‐ Get off!

‐ Say uncle. ‐ Auntie.

Get your butt up.

Get up.

Now, you know I'm still your brother, huh?

[laughing]

Stuff like that's gonna take me time to get used to.

Well, you better hurry up and get used to it, Dirk.

Because this is who I am now.

I'm not gonna act like I get it because I don't.

But if you want me there when you tell mom and dad...okay.

‐ Are you serious? ‐ Yeah.

Oh, Dirk! Dirk!

Alright. This is getting weird.

Dirk, look at me.

Life is not like waterproof mascara.

Girl, it gets messy sometimes.

Ha‐ha!

Okay, that's not helping.

It's hot.

Oh, it's hot up in here.

[instrumental music]

Okay, I went through my curriculum from college

and all of these books really help explain death.

"The Balloon That Flew Away."

‐ "Fluffy's Long Nap." ‐ Mm‐hmm.

"Goldie Locks And The Two Bears?"

You gotta be kiddin' me.

[sneezing]

What is your problem, baby? Tell me what's going on?

‐ I don't want you to die. ‐ What are you talking about?

I heard daddy say you're gonna die.

Yes, I am but not for a real long, long, long time.

But when you die, who will be my grandma?

I will always be your grandma.

But you won't be here.

Well, you won't see me, but I promise

my spirit will always be around you, baby.

‐ You promise? ‐ I promise.

‐ I love you, grandma. ‐ I love you too, sweet baby.

Thank you, poo.

Ooh, the troll patrol.

What's up? Why are you looking so serious?

Did somebody die?

‐ Ah, no, but, Bobby honey.. ‐ Yes.

I wanna tell you the story of "Billy The Balloon."

Mm! Okay.

Uh‐uh‐uh, please.

It's alright, baby.

Look, Bobby, mom and I wanna talk to you

about grandma and death.

What do you wanna know?

Grandma told me all about it.

‐ And you understand it? ‐ Uh‐huh.

And you feel okay about everything?

Yeah, I understand how life ends but..

‐ But what? ‐ How does it begin?

Usually... with a Lou Rawls' record.

[instrumental music]

Right. Yeah, right. I know.

[blowing a raspberry]

[clearing throat]

Robert, kickass bachelor party.

Turtle..

I did not go through all of this...for this.

Yo, please tell me

somebody else is coming to my party besides that freak..

...and Roni.

I wish. Everybody's stuck in traffic.

A big rig turned over on the 405.

And there was this stripper, she born again.

She's not comin'.

‐ No friends and no strippers. ‐ No problem.

Y'all, I used to vogue my butt off

in them New York bars.

Y'all let me show you a little something.

‐ No! ‐ No, no!

Take it off.

[instrumental music]

♪ Look around everywhere you turn is heartache ♪

♪ It's everywhere that you go ♪

♪ Look around ♪

♪ You try everything you can to escape ♪

♪ The pain of life that you know ♪

♪ Life that you know ♪

♪ When all else fails and you long to be ♪

♪ Something better than you are today ♪

[theme music]