Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

You know what? I'm declaring today do‐nothing day.

[chuckles]

We work hard, right?

‐ We sure do. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

We should declare do‐just‐one‐thing day.

Oh.

[chuckles]

Which is, wash your feet

in some sculpt soap.

No way! Ha‐ha‐ha‐ha!

[telephone ringing]

(Robert on answering machine) 'Hey, it's us, and us ain't pickin' up.'

'So leave a message.'

(man on answering machine) 'Ti‐Ti, it's your boy callin'.'

‐ Who's your boy? ‐ Oh, come on.

You know who that is. That's Larry.

That's just my best friend from always.

Come on, let me talk to him. Watch out. Watch out.

‐ Larry? ‐ Yeah, hello?

Where have you been? Mm‐hmm.

Tomorrow? Oh, okay then, Othello.

This is your Desdemona bidding you adieu.

[chuckles] Okay, bye.

‐ Mm, Desdemona? ‐ Oh, yeah.

That's just a little drama club thing we used to do, that's all.

Well, let's get back to that thing that we do, huh?

Oh, well, I'm sorry, baby, I gotta start cleaning up.

‐ Come on. ‐ Oh‐oh‐oh, baby, baby..

What happened to do‐just‐one‐thing day?

Well, it just became do‐it‐yourself day.

‐ I'm sorry, baby. Sorry. ‐ Oh.

‐ 'Sorry.' ‐ You gonna do me like that?

‐ Yeah, I'll be back. I gotta‐‐ ‐ Huh?

You gonna do me like that?

♪ Often I wish that we ♪

♪ Could take the time to see ♪

♪ The need there is to be a family yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause it's All Of Us ♪

♪ Sometimes it can be rough ♪

♪ Time and seasons change ♪

♪ But we will still remain ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪ ♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪♪♪

[upbeat music]

[indistinct chatter on TV]

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

‐ What the.. Hey, Bobby. ‐ Yeah?

Do daddy a favor. Go unplug the vacuum cleaner.

‐ Hey! ‐ It was his idea.

‐ Snitch. ‐ Baby, come on.

I gotta get this place cleaned all up for Larry.

‐ I'll help you. ‐ Oh, thank you, Bobby.

Okay, just come over here and help me sweep.

That'd be great.

‐ Mommy! ‐ Hey, Cinderfella.

Your wicked stepmother put you to work?

Oh, now, come on, honey, don't play

with your mommy's ride home.

‐ Neesee, what you doin' here? ‐ Remember?

I asked if I can use your kitchen to prepare my samples

for the LA food festival?

Well, hold on, I need to use the kitchen

for my friend who's coming to town tonight.

Oh, don't worry about it, we'll be out of your way by 3:00.

‐ We? ‐ Hey, everybody. I made it.

I think somebody walked through your flower garden.

You got some tacky friends.

Uh, Neesee, what's wrong with your kitchen?

Nothing. I just needed more than one oven.

Besides, I didn't wanna cook the salmon in my house.

It makes the place smell like fish.

Oh, okay, great.

Next week I'll just come over to your place

and just fry up a skunk.

[doorbell rings]

‐ Can I get it? ‐ Ask who it is.

Who it is?

‐ No. Who is it? ‐ I don't know, dad.

‐ 'It's me.' ‐ Ha! Oh!

Out, strumpet! Weep'st thou for him to my face?

Oh, banish me, oh, lord, but kill me not!

‐ Down, strumpet! ‐ Oh! Oh! Aw!

[both laughing]

‐ Othello! ‐ Desdemona!

‐ Hey, Larry, you look good. ‐ You look good, too, Ti‐Ti.

Damn, girl. Whoo!

Ti‐Ti?

[clears throat]

Hey, now. Ha‐ha.

Wazzup? Ha‐ha. Alright.

‐ Okay. ‐ Oh, oh. I'm sorry.

Hey, Larry, this is my fiance, Robert.

‐ And this is Bobby Junior. ‐ Wazzup, man?

I thought your name was Othello.

‐ Oh, that was back in the day. ‐ Oh, man.

Drama club, high school, that was the bomb, right?

Do you remember the time you had that big hoop skirt on

and you were doing your Sojourner Truth monologue?

And you got so caught up in it

that you tripped and fell off the stage

screaming, "Hey, now, woman."

And with your skirt all up around your head

a brother yells out, "You sure is"

with your drawers showing.

[laughs]

Hey, on the phone you said you had some kinda news.

What, you and Donna got engaged?

No, no, we broke up.

‐ What? ‐ Yeah.

I thought she was the one.

Yeah, the one

with mental problems.

The one turned out to be the two.

Mm.

And I bet you wouldn't turn your back on either of 'em.

I never closed my eyes around that girl, man.

I ain't got a good sleep till I was on the plane.

Well, I tell you what, it's gonna be better tonight

'cause we're gonna make up the guest room for you.

Thanks.

Well, make yourself at home, man.

Hi, I'm Neesee.

Everybody else does.

[instrumental music]

Robert‐o, what are we doing tonight, man?

Nothing, if you keep callin' me Robert‐o.

What's goin' on, man? What we doin'?

I was gonna invite you to dinner tonight.

‐ Tia's cooking. ‐ Oh.

Thanks for the heads‐up.

I'll eat before I get there.

Tia's got a friend in town.

Oh, you gonna hook your boy up. Alright.

‐ She better be fun. ‐ Actually, she is a he.

They've been friends since they were kids.

And they're still friends?

Oh, he's gay?

Women love gay dudes, man. It's like a purse.

Every chick's gotta have one, right?

[laughing]

Actually, he's straight.

And have you been retarded since birth?

Or are you a late bloomer?

Come on, what are you talking about now, Dirk?

Come on, man, it's a known biological fact

that a man cannot sustain a friendship with a woman

without wanting to, trying to

or actually getting to have sex with her.

Stop me if I'm makin' any sense.

Okay, don't stop me, I'll be happy to keep talking‐‐

I'll stop you.

With today's advances in cloning

and the move towards asexual reproduction

a few years from now, we'll neither be their friends

nor their lovers.

We'll merely be hood ornaments

on their sexual Bentleys.

‐ Sorry. ‐ Okay.

Look, man. Tia's known this guy since she was three.

He's never made a move, they're just friends.

Yeah, okay. Just friends, huh?

My ex had one of those just friends.

Came to town for a visit, had to stay with us

she kept saying, "Trust me, trust me."

And I did 'cause I'm one of those

modern enlightened brothers, you know?

Do you know it wasn't 24 hours

before I was in bed with that girl?

‐ What's the point, Dirk? ‐ You can't trust people.

[instrumental music]

Wow, seeing you in this kitchen is like deja vu

except the part of me helping, that's like deja‐freaky.

Well, at least Robert and I are gettin' along better now.

Funny how divorce brings people closer together.

Except you and Hakeem. You went old school.

Divorce drove you apart.

Well, actually, we've opened up our channels of communication.

Ooh? You and drop the kids off at the curb and honk Hakeem?

‐ Can you believe it? ‐ How'd that happen?

Well, it's funny, you know, he came by the other night

when the kids weren't there

and we start talkin' and laughin'

and then I say to him, "Shut up, you big ol' goof."

Then he goes, "Girl, you crazy."

And I walk away and he comes after me

and then let me think of what happened.

Oh, yeah, we did it.

Shut up. Girl, you can't hook up with your ex.

You quit him for a reason.

That's like buying a used car from yourself.

You rode it, you burned out the clutch, jacked the stereo

and then put it on the side of the road.

Then you convince some damn fool to buy it.

And guess what? That damn fool was you.

Uh, what are you guys still doing here?

I thought you were gonna be finished at 3:00.

Oh, did I say p. m.?

‐ Girl, I was trippin'. ‐ Mm‐hmm, you were.

You know, I'm starting to feel a little used

so...leave us some of those treats

and we can call it even.

Okay.

Mm.

Damn, Tia, you got it smelling good in here.

Well, actually, it's Neesee's, it's..

And, honey, they're not finished

so we're gonna have to go out to eat.

We get to go out?

I mean, damn.

The one time it smelled good in this place.

By the way, just try to leave my kitchen

the way you found it, okay?

Don't worry, I won't leave

a trace of good food in this muck.

[instrumental music]

‐ Ha‐ha. No way. ‐ No, no. I gotta hear it.

[indistinct chatter]

Now, look, look, so it's 1987, right?

And Tia is dating this big muscular dude

named Lyskin Ivan, right?

And he broke her heart, right? So I stepped to the dude.

You know, 'cause I'm feeling real confident.

I just got my yellow belt in karate, right?

[laughing]

So I said, "My man, this is for Tia."

Boom!

‐ Then what happened? ‐ Lyskin Ivan said..

"Huah! I was waiting for this!"

And kicked me dead in my eye.

[laughing]

I had a swoosh on my cheek for, like, a month.

[laughing] On that note

I'm gonna go dump this food.

‐ You guys are still here? ‐ Mm‐hmm.

Oh, thank God, 'cause that food at the restaurant was nasty.

Oh.. Hey, hey, hey, that's not for you.

Hey, it's my house, my stove, my food.

‐ We dropped that on the floor. ‐ My floor.

This has been such a great night.

Yeah. It calls for a toast.

Let me do the honors.

It's great to be here with my new friends

and my oldest friend in the world.

Tia, we grew up on the same block

sat next to each other in Sunday school

even applied to the same colleges.

[sighs] We've been through everything together.

And when you left for LA after graduation..

...you broke my heart.

'You know, sometimes I still even, uh'

wash my hair with Pert

so that my pillow will smell like you.

[sniffs]

Yeah, that's it, that's it.

I mean, for years

we've been the best of friends

but truth is

I always wished there would be more.

I always wanted it to be my ring on your finger

in‐in‐in‐instead of homies and..

I guess what I'm trying to say is that..

...I've always loved you.

So, um...cheers.

Cheers!

Drink up, brah. It's gonna be a long night.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

My man, look‐‐

You know what, sweetie, I got this.

Handle it.

How come you never told me how you felt?

[sighs] I was waiting for the right time.

Well, this wasn't it.

What you said was completely inappropriate.

You disrespected our friendship, you disrespected my relationship

and you disrespected this house.

‐ Tia, I just‐‐ ‐ You know what, Larry, I just..

I feel like everything you've ever said to me was a lie.

So if I had told you before, would it have changed anything?

No, but at least I would've known the truth.

You know, I can't even look at you right now.

[clears throat]

Hey, look, my man.

I'mma try to be mature about this

'cause I got a nice‐ass house

and I don't wanna mess up my things.

So you got a five‐minute head start

after that it's the fight club.

I don't want to fight you, man.

I told you what happened with the Lyskin Ivan story.

Now I feel terrible, you know?

I just...had too much to drink. You know, I..

I shouldn't be drinking anyway while I'm on this medication.

‐ Medication? ‐ Yeah.

I‐I got this thing

this...this illness that could kill me.

Oh, hell, no!

Not the illness that could kill me.

I invented that line, man.

Let me guess, the only cure is a romp in the sack with Tia?

I'm serious. I have a life‐threatening illness.

You just gonna sit there and let him lie in your face?

What if he's telling the truth, Dirk?

Why would I lie?

Because you can blame anything

on a life‐threatening illness.

"Oh, my hand's on your ass.

"I got a life‐threatening illness.

Oh, now it's on your breast, I'mma die!"

Dirk, he doesn't look like he's joking, man.

Please, Robert, I know the type.

Hell, I am the type.

You know how many times I had SORS

just to get some action?

Why would you say you have an infectious disease?

Don't be mad at me, 'cause he's bad at it than I am.

I'm tellin' the truth.

I was diagnosed six months ago

by the country's top neurologist.

I've already been through three rounds of treatment.

I'm on 50 milligrams of Dilantin per day.

Let me see this.

Open it, man.

He legit.

Sorry, brah.

God bless you, man.

So you're trying to tell me that you've never

slept with Robert since the divorce?

Hell, no. Why would I do that once I didn't have to?

I mean, did you see him when he came in here?

He's nasty.

Chewin' with his mouth open.

Please, girl, you're just tryin' to psych yourself

out of thinking that you don't

still want him sometimes.

Admit it, you thought about it.

[chuckles] Don't try to make me a player

in your twisted little game.

Uh, wait a minute, you're in here cooking

in your ex‐husband's house

where he lives with his new fiancee.

They're on the other side of that door and you're in here

cooking them treats and you're trying to tell me

that I'm twisted? Please.

Cookin' in the kitchen and cookin' in the bedroom

is two different things.

Look, cooking with gas and cooking with ass

it's all the same thing.

I was going through the photo albums

you know, thinking back to the good old days

gettin' all misty‐eyed

and, well, I just got a little emotional.

You know, I had a moment of weakness

with the father of my beloved children, okay?

Aw, girl.

Missed me with all that.

You was just horny.

Yeah, you're right.

Well, horny or not, I'm never going back there

with Robert again.

‐ You know what I need? ‐ Does it require batteries?

I need a guy who's not gonna look at me funny

when I go in to the store to buy two pairs of Gucci sunglasses

because I feel like it.

You know, it's not about the money, it's about the joy.

‐ Don't kill my joy. ‐ Fine.

No guy gets that, I mean, some pretend they do

but they're just interested in their joy, okay?

‐ Well, let's make a deal. ‐ Alright.

You won't criticize me about banging around

with my ex‐husband's pots and pans

and I won't criticize you about banging around

with your ex‐husband.

‐ Okay, deal. ‐ Look at us.

We are pitiful.

We are sitting around here talking about

"I do this with my ex‐husband

I do that with my ex‐husband."

Come on, if we were men, we would not

be talking about nothing.

We would just be sittin' up, watching the game

and sippin' on a brewski without a care in the world.

And the doctor said that, uh

it's pressing against my optic nerve.

Uh, uh, I think I left

some ice cream in the oven.

God bless.

Ah. Man!

Tia's gonna be devastated by this.

Yeah, you know, I'm gonna go tell her now.

You know, I don't think that's a good idea.

You know, Tia's in an emotional space right now.

I think I should smooth it over with her first.

Yeah, but let me be the one to tell her, you know, just..

Just to let her know that I'm gonna get through this.

Okay.

Thanks.

Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.

This is the first time you meet him

and this is what happened?

I could just kill him.

That might not be necessary.

Well, he really needs to have his head examined.

‐ He did. ‐ Well, I don't care.

I mean, the whole thing just gives me the creeps.

I mean, I used to walk around in my underwear around him.

I told him everything.

And when we went camping, he held the flashlight

while I peed, okay?

I just, I thought he was my friend.

He still is, he.. He just has a problem.

What?

Look, I told him that I wouldn't tell you this

so when you see him, you have to promise to act

like you don't know.

I promise.

(Tia) 'Brain tumor?'

Hey, Larry.

How you doin'?

You alright, huh? You okay?

You good? That's good, that's good.

Tia, I know you know.

Sorry, man.

I don't know what to do.

‐ I don't know what to say‐‐ ‐ Ti‐Ti, it's cool.

If anybody should have a problem with this

it should be me, and I don't.

Oh. Man, you're amazing. Ha‐ha.

And, look, if I made you feel uncomfortable earlier, I'm sorry

because it was just something I felt like

I needed to get off my chest.

I know it was inappropriate

and nothing could happen between us.

Nothing could happen, right?

[knocking on door]

Dude.

A little tumor‐humor, that's all.

Come on, just sit down. Alright?

Now look.

When you made that toast

that was just...shocking.

Alright, and it just made me mad.

At least I understand why you did, so..

I'm gonna help you through this, okay?

But don't you ever, ever keep anything from me again.

‐ Deal. Deal. ‐ Alright. Alright.

Now look, man, I didn't come here for

all this emotional stuff.

‐ Okay. ‐ Come on.

I came to have fun.

We're gonna get the party started right, alright?

Come on now..

Where you all goin' with all the treats?

Dude.

Hey, baby, when I dropped Larry off at the airport

he told me to give you this.

Oh, cool! Hey, hey.

Hey, you be Othello and I'm gonna be Desdemona.

‐ I already know my lines. ‐ Oh, alright.

Let's give it a try.

[chuckles]

"Out, strumpet!

Weep'st thou for him to my face?"

"Oh, banish me, my lord

but kill me not!"

‐ "Down, strumpet!" ‐ Oh! Oh!

[choking]

Get off me! It's supposed to be stage choking, not real choking.

Oh, I'm sorry, baby, my bad.

Hey, well, listen here, why don't we work on some

uh, stage kissing?

Well, that just means that we don't really get to kiss

because when I stage‐kiss, I keep my mouth closed.

Well, who said you got the part?

Come on down here on the casting couch

see how you work it.

Oh, Mr. Casting Director.

[laughing]

‐ So did I get the part? ‐ Nope.

‐ Bring on the next girl. ‐ Oh!

You know what, I'm gonna choke you now.

I'm gonna choke you now.

[theme music]