Original subtitles

["Deck The Halls" instrumental]

[hip‐hop beats]

Ho to the ho‐ho! Ha‐ha!

For those of you just tuning in

this is the K‐JSB Annual Christmas Auction.

Now, the next item up for bid

are two floor‐seats to the Los Angeles Lakers.

Let me hear somethin'.

[telephones ringing] Alright!

[telephones ringing]

Oh, I'm sorry.

The Los Angeles Clippers.

Ah! Oh, I'm sorry.

They're playing the Lakers.

[telephones ringing]

Alright, let's go to our totals.

‐ Turtle! ‐ It's getting hot in here.

[chuckles] And, uh, like I said, people

I'm not gonna be taking my clothes off

so please stop bidding on my elf suit, okay?

Right, hey, our next item up for bid

is from someone who insisted on donating.

Let's meet her.

Ms. Neesee James.

No relation.

On behalf of Exquisite Catering, I'm proud to donate

a fully‐catered seven‐course lunch for one.

What?

Come on, girl, dig deep. This is for the children.

Dinner for two.

[chuckles]

[clears throat]

Fine. One of the courses will be shrimp.

[telephones ringing]

Good news.

Dinner sold.

[cheering]

For $35.

Oh, hell, no.

Well, folks, that's my time.

But for the next two hours

your host will be sportscaster, Alan Miles

and I'm sure he will have some unique items up for bid.

[chuckles] Like, my dinner.

Someone needs to call here and re‐bid.

Alright, alright.

On behalf of the K‐JSB news team

may the season bring much

peace to you.

(male #1) 'And we're out.'

'Station ID, people.'

[bell ringing]

‐ Alright. ‐ Whoa, w‐where are you going?

Alan's not here yet.

Tia's dad is coming into town and I'm already late.

‐ Just stretch it, okay? ‐ Um..

'And we're back.'

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

♪ Often I wish that we ♪

♪ Could take the time to see ♪

♪ The need there is to be a family yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause it's all of us ♪

♪ Sometimes it can be rough ♪

♪ Time and seasons change ♪

♪ But we will still remain ♪

♪ It's just all of us ♪

♪ It's just all of us ♪

♪ It's just all of us ♪

♪ It's just all of us ♪♪♪

["Joy To The World" instrumental]

Hey, baby!

‐ Ta‐da! ‐ Wow.

This is a really white Christmas.

We gonna have to get you a Negro‐derm patch.

Come on, baby, stop playin'.

Daddy's on his way.

‐ Unh‐unh, baby. ‐ What?

Your daddy's already here!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no! No, no, no!

Keep it on hold, 'cause I got to finish

making this look like Christmas.

Oh, I got you. I got you.

What you got?

Bam!

Take that, take that, take that

take that, take that, take that.

You know, that's just great.

Now this Christmas tree's gonna have

that new cab smell.

[chuckles]

Come on, baby, this is the first Christmas since my mom passed.

I just want everything to be perfect for my dad.

Oh, it's gonna be fine. Your dad is gonna have fun.

You know, we'll, we'll show him

we'll show him what we do up in here. You know what I mean?

And you know what? He's bringing his family friend, Marcia.

Our families used to spend Christmases together.

When she used to baby‐sit me

she used to let me have sips of her coffee.

[whispering] Are you crazy?

You should not say that loud.

[doorbell rings] Oh! Ooh‐ooh‐ooh‐ooh‐ooh‐ooh!

‐ Booyah! ‐ Ah, daddy!

‐ Mwah! ‐ Oh, baby.

‐ Hey, baby. ‐ Hey.

Oh. Oh. Professor Jewel.

Oh, please, Santa.

Call me Lucas.

With all due respect

Lucas is the guy who delivers the concrete.

You've been to school for 47 years.

I'mma call you doctor, professor

neurologist, genius..

I'mma call you somebody, huh?

[laughs]

Hey, Marcia

this is my fiance, Robert.

Ooh, he is a big upgrade from that old light‐skinned Ivan

you used to sniff around.

[laughing]

Well, so how are you doin', dad?

I'm doin' okay.

(Marcia) Tia, this place!

You are your mother's child.

Uh, Bobby, come on in here.

There's someone I want you to meet who just flew in.

Wow, Santa!

Actually, I was talking about my dad

and his friend, Marcia.

‐ Sorry. Hi. ‐ Hi.

[whispering] Santa.

What are you doing here?

Uh, er, uh..

Well, I always have a practice run before Christmas

to make sure I have the fastest route.

Ho‐ho‐ho‐ho!

Let me show y'all the fastest route to your rooms.

‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ Okay.

Dad, you're in this room

right off the kitchen to the left.

‐ You can't miss it. ‐ Okay.

And, Marcia, you're upstairs.

You know what, I'm just gonna show you.

‐ Okay, come on. ‐ Okay.

Santa, is that really you?

Of course, it's me, Bobby! Ha‐ha‐ha!

Wow, you know my name!

Of course, I know your name. I'm Santa Claus.

[laughs]

Where are your reindeer?

Um, on the roof.

You know, Rudolph, Prancer..

...Bernice.

There's no Bernice.

Oh, uh, Bernice is new.

Rudolph met her at a Christmas party last year

and she hasn't left since.

Wow.

What's Bobby short for?

Robert.

[gasps]

Humphrey James Jr.

[gasps]

I'll go get you some cookies.

[chuckles] You hurry up.

[chuckles]

That is too cute. He really thinks you're Santa.

Nah, he knows I'm not Santa. We're just playin'.

Oh. Ooh.

‐ Santa. ‐ What?

You look kinda sexy in that suit.

‐ Word. See my butt? ‐ Alright!

[laughing]

So, won't you, uh, sit on Santa's lap

so he could tell you what he wants for Christmas?

Uh‐uh, my daddy's around. No reindeer games.

He knows we're engaged.

And your daddy know you're decking my halls.

[chuckles]

Santa, I brought you some..

[gasps]

Stop it, Santa!

That's my dad's fiance.

Oh, ho‐ho‐ho, ho‐ho‐ho, hold on, Bobby.

You're gonna get in trouble when my dad gets home.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Bobby, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

It's‐it's just me.

Daddy?

You're Santa Claus?

You're the one who brings me presents every year?

Uh‐oh.

So who delivered your presents when you were little?

Oh, um..

Well, my‐my father

he would, but..

So if grandpa was Santa

and you're Santa

does that mean I'll be Santa someday, too?

No. No, see, Santa is..

Yes.

Yay! I'm gonna be Santa!

I don't have to go to school anymore!

Oh, ho, whoa‐ho‐ho, wait up, uh, Bobby.

Uh, Santa can read, though.

(Bobby) Yay, no more school!

[hip‐hop beats]

Alex, calm down.

How could Bobby possibly affect

what Reggie's getting for Christmas?

[doorbell rings]

He said he was who?

Oh, girl, I‐I'll talk to him.

What's up?

A cold wind just blew through the door.

I gotta go.

‐ Neesee, I need your help. ‐ Oh, no.

If you want me to cook your Christmas dinner

the answer is no!

I'll be too busy trying to figure out

how to feed two people seven courses

for $35.

And when I said shrimp

I meant popcorn shrimp.

Look, actually, I wanted you

to hide Bobby's presents until Christmas.

Speaking of Bobby, I just got an angry phone call

from Alex saying that Reggie's upset.

Apparently, Bobby told Reggie

that he's not getting any

Christmas presents ever again.

What?

The boy is half Jewish, half Muslim.

Christmas should offend him.

Well, why would Bobby say something like that?

I don't know.

Well..

maybe I accidentally told Bobby

something unusual about Santa.

I know you didn't tell our son

that there's no such thing as Santa.

Of course not.

I told him I was Santa.

Why would you do something that stupid?

Because he caught me slobbin' down Tia in a Santa suit.

[sighs] Robert, you gotta fix this.

See, I'm going caroling with the Chocolate Singles, baby.

I ain't got time for this right now.

Neesee, we have to do this together.

And I'm sure they could do without your baritone

for a couple of Fa‐La‐La's.

Well, I can't do anything about it tonight.

So I'm comin' to pick the baby up tomorrow.

‐ Can we deal with it then? ‐ Alright.

Have fun howling.

Ebe‐Neesee Scrooge. Heh.

Robert, do you hear what I hear?

‐ What? ‐ The sound of my front door.

Closing.

[hip‐hop beats]

Oh, Robert, there you are. I need your help.

Lucas hurt himself, and h‐he can't get out of bed.

‐ Oh, my God. ‐ No.

My bed.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh!

[instrumental music]

(Robert) What the hell?

Now..

...this is not what it looks like.

It looks like y'all were having sex and you got hurt.

Okay, then it's exactly what it looks like.

[laughing]

Hey, what's so funny?

Come on now, I‐I threw my back out

and I pinched a nerve in my neck, now I'm stuck here.

You fall and then you can't get it up, professor.

[laughing]

Would you stop laughing and help me on

with my underwear?

Oh.

Not so funny now, huh?

Hey, look, I got bigger problems.

My son thinks I'm Santa Claus.

My daughter's gonna see my jingle bells

if you don't help me put on my personals.

Alright, fine.

Oh.

These are yours?

I didn't know you got down like that, professor.

Oh.

Maybe we should call the ambulance.

Would you just help me put on my clothes

before my daughter gets here?

Alright, okay, oh, yes, sir.

Pull the sheets. Oh, my God.

Alright, okay.

One, uh, two..

Can you turn the lights off, please?

Okay.

Alright. Three.

[both screaming]

Ah..

Ah. Okay, there.

Uh, not quite.

Oh, don't‐don't turn the light back on.

Okay, okay. Uh..

‐ I'm going back in. ‐ Oh, God.

[screaming]

Okay, turn the light on.

(Tia) 'Hey, everybody, I'm home!'

‐ Oh, she's.. ‐ Oh, I‐I gotta go help Tia.

No, no, no, no. T‐the pants, the pants.

Don't forget the pants.

‐ Alright. ‐ Ow! My back!

‐ Oh, my eyes. ‐ Ah, my back!

‐ Come on. Ah! ‐ Ah..

‐ Ah! My arm! ‐ My God!

My God!

Hey, baby.

It must have been really crazy at the mall, huh?

That's why I do my Christmas shoppin'

in September to avoid the rush.

I'm an Internet girl myself.

What in the name of Christmas

is goin' on in here?

You two?

Dad, mom's only been gone a year.

Oh, I can't even..

‐ 'Well, wait a minute, Tia.' ‐ No, no!

(Marcia) 'We can explain..'

[hip‐hop beats]

Baby.

I finally managed to get your dad's pants on.

You probably wasted your time.

I'm sure Marcia has 'em off again.

Uh, look, baby.

Your dad seems to be really happy.

I think Marcia's good for him.

Well, I'm not saying that she isn't.

I just think it's too soon.

Maybe, maybe not.

I know this guy who lost his wife

and met someone right away

and they fell madly in love.

Well, what kinda jackass would do that?

And what kinda hussy would go along with it?

[scoffs]

Baby.

I was talking about us.

It's not the same thing. Neesee didn't die.

That's true, but when she left me

I was just as devastated.

Financially.

[chuckles]

Hey, if I died

how long would it be before you found somebody else?

Tia, that is a terrible question.

What would that someone look like?

‐ Robert! ‐ I‐I'm just kidding.

‐ Come on. Halle Berry. ‐ Like that.

[chuckles] Baby, I think you know the answer to that.

Yeah.

Give me the nutcracker.

‐ For what? ‐ I got nuts to crack.

‐ Hey. ‐ What? What?

[hip‐hop beats]

He's still at it.

Well, if he's gonna quit school

at least he'll know his geography.

He's not quitting anything

except this notion that he's Santa Junior.

Look, why don't you just tell him the truth about Santa Claus?

And while you're at it, throw in the Easter Bunny

the Tooth Fairy and the future of Social Security.

Look, it was an innocent game, it just got outta control.

No, don't try to sugar‐coat what you did, Robert.

You lied to our son.

Now, you need to go in there and tell him the truth

that Santa Claus is a jolly old man

who lives in the North Pole

who delivers toys to all the kids

around the world in one night

with his flying reindeers.

Damn that, you gonna work hard all year

to buy presents for your son

so some bloated, white guy in a suit

takes all the credit?

Well, maybe I should just tell him the truth.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

There's a difference between the truth

and Christmas truth.

You can't destroy a kid's fantasy.

Yes, you can.

When I was three, my brothers told me

Santa Claus died of a heart attack

and then, that some road kill we drove over

was the Easter Bunny. And look at me.

I turned out fine.

(Marcia) Thanks for driving, Tia.

‐ Yeah, sure. ‐ I want you to know something.

I really loved your mother.

I know.

Tia, we need to talk.

Look, I married your mother when I was 18 years old

and for the next 35 years

we never spent a night apart.

When she died

a part of me died, too.

It must've been the part above the waist, you know?

Tia Wanda Jewel, how dare you!

You have no idea how I feel.

What do you want me to do, curl up and die?

Just let me know 'cause I just paid a premium

on my AAA card and I can get it back.

Dad. Come on.

You know that's not what I want

alright?

It's just that..

I just miss mommy.

I miss her, too.

I love you, dad.

I love you, baby.

‐ Come here. ‐ Ow!

Oh, no.. Oh, the hell with that.

You just keep huggin' me.

Oh, God.

But when you let go..

Mm‐hmm.

...do it gently.

Okay.

Well, uh, I'm gonna go

check on Marcia.

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Don't even think about it.

Doctor told me it's gonna take me two weeks

before I can embarrass myself again.

Good.

Hey, baby, you back. You seen Bobby?

No, no.

‐ Hey, Bobby, come downstairs! ‐ 'No.'

‐ Why not? ‐ Because I'm stuck!

Oh..

Oh, my God. Bobby.

(Neesee) Bobby, are you okay?

I was just doing what dad does.

How do you do it?

[chuckling]

Look, Bobby, parents are not always

honest with their kids.

But when you see their legs dangling from the chimney

you get real honest real fast.

Now, although I know this is gonna be hard for you

I'm gonna tell you the truth.

I get it, dad.

You're not Santa Claus.

‐ I'm not? ‐ Nope.

I got stuck in the chimney

and you're way fatter than me.

[chuckles]

Well, that's on your mom. I'm working with what I got.

Look, Bobby, I'm sorry if I misled you.

It's okay.

I know you're just keeping

Santa Claus' secret.

[chuckles] You're right.

Hey, that's a secret that you're gonna

have to figure out for yourself when you grow up.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[theme music]