Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Here's your outfit

for the "We Are Family" profile shoot.

"Phat Arm?"

Well, yeah, the station wouldn't let us use phatfarm

so I disembroidered the F.

Turtle, ix it or you're ired.

That's unny.

[chuckles]

Robert, we have an emergency.

We have to move your profile up to this afternoon.

What do you mean this afternoon? I need time to prepare.

There's nothin' to prepare, all you have to do is walk

through your house, introduce your family

and when you get to your bedroom, try not to say

"This is where the magic happens."

Now, go home, open a few windows

flip the cushions and cook about 300 hotdogs

'cause you're feeding the crew.

The crew of what, the Starship Enterprise?

♪ Often I wish that we ♪

♪ Could take the time to see ♪

♪ The need there is to be a family yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause it's All Of Us ♪

♪ Sometimes it can be rough ♪

♪ Time and seasons change ♪

♪ But we will still remain ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪ ♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪♪♪

[instrumental music]

Hey, get that lamp outta here, alright?

'You put that over there. Yes.'

What? Dirk?

What, what is this?

'Cause I don't remember winnin' on "The Price Is Right." What..

Hey, I'm just trying to give you some style, brah.

So tacky flea‐market art, come on down!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Dirk

I want people to see the real me, man.

Why?

Where do you want these awards?

Back up in the attic. Those are my Limbo trophies.

From my Caribbean cruise.

I know it looks tacky, but from a distance

it makes you look like a winner.

How low can you go?

Apparently, not as low as Dirk.

Hey, I'd put the Nobel Peace Prize

on the mantel if you had one.

But we gotta work with what we got.

Like this, uh, African ping‐pong paddle here.

Just tryin' to make you look good, brah.

Just tryin' to make you look good, that's..

Speakin' of which, Tia, what the hell are you wearin'?

I mean, teaching the kids about the Amish?

This is a nice, conservative look.

Yes, it is.

Wardrobe!

Look, Dirk, no wardrobe

no new furniture, no Limbo trophies.

I wanna keep this real, man.

Alright, everybody, kill the fun!

We're gonna do it real.

‐ Thank you. ‐ Dad!

Hey, big guy. Nice gear.

He look like Webster.

‐ Aw, I think he looks cute. ‐ Yeah, me, too.

Cute little bundle of smiles.

Wardrobe!

‐ How did Bobby get here? ‐ His mother.

I hope she don't think she's in this, does she?

No.

She knows, she's in it.

So, Dirk, how will this read on camera, hm?

Wardrobe!

Neesee, Tia, huddle up. Ahem.

Now, we all understand what our roles are in this thing, right?

Yes, I'm the happy homemaker.

And I'm the non‐confrontational ex‐wife.

And I'm the guy who loves what I'm hearing.

[chuckles] Alright.

Happy, big, blended milkshake family on three. Come on.

One, two, three!

Clear!

[instrumental music]

Okay, now that you've seen I only keep caviar

and Cristal in my fridge

even though I have an impressionable

five‐year‐old in the house

it's time to meet my family.

Oh. Hello.

This is Tia, the love of my life

my wife to be.

I love you, too, Robert.

[doorbell ringing]

Uh‐oh, who could that be?

Why, it's my ex‐wife, Neesee.

‐ How y'all doing? ‐ And this is little Bobby.

Hi, I'm five.

And we're one big happy family.

All put in the blender and mixed up

like one big old milkshake.

Mm, delicious.

Mm‐hmm, all rich and yummy

but, hey, don't drink us too fast, you'll get a headache.

Neesee, thank you for droppin' off Bobby.

You're welcome.

So, Tia, you think

you'd like to have children with Robert someday?

Absolutely.

I knew I would the first time I saw him with Bobby.

Robert is a wonderful father.

He is kind, giving and patient.

I can't imagine having children with anyone else.

And I can't imagine having children

with anyone else, either.

[clears throat]

I mean, more children

'cause this woman has done a wonderful job

raisin' a wonderful well‐behaved child.

(Dirk) 'Alright, we get it. You're a milkshake.'

Alright, why don't you guys take us out Mr. LA style?

Okay. From our family to yours, I'm Robert.

‐ Tia. ‐ Neesee.

‐ And Bobby. ‐ Sayin'..

(all) Peace to you.

(Dirk) 'And cut.'

[instrumental music]

So, Robert, this must be exciting, huh?

Seeing yourself on TV and all?

‐ Lily, I'm on TV every day. ‐ You are?

‐ Hey, girl. ‐ Hey.

Wait, wait. You mean you had that in your closet?

Oh, yeah, Jonelle had it knocked off for me in Chinatown.

Don't look for the union label.

And, you, stay away from open flames.

Neesee, you could've used a glass.

And you could've put real Cristal in these

instead of this flat‐ass ginger ale.

Dirk, what happened to the champagne?

Hey, we were over budget. Deal with it.

[instrumental music on TV]

Hey, everybody, it's on.

Every night you've welcomed the K‐JSB team

in to your living rooms.

Well, all this week

it's our turn to welcome you in to ours.

And up tonight is yours truly, Mr. LA

so sit back, relax

and don't try to figure out where I live.

We blurred the address.

What's up, y'all? Just don't stand there, come on in.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Dirk, what happened to my joke

when I told the cameraman to make sure

he wiped all three of the tripod's feet?

[laughs]

That's classic.

We had to cut a few things out for time.

Okay, now that you've seen that

for some reason I only have caviar and Cristal in my fridge

it's time to meet my family.

Oh. Hello.

This is Tia, the love of my life, my wife to be.

[applauding]

And this is little Bobby.

Hi, I'm five.

Robert is a wonderful father.

He is kind, giving and patient.

I can't imagine having children with anyone else.

And I can't imagine having children with anyone else.

I love you, too, Robert.

(Robert on TV) 'Because this woman'

'has done a wonderful job'

'raisin' Bobby.'

From our family to yours, I'm Robert.

‐ Tia. ‐ And Bobby.

Sayin' peace to you.

What happened to Neesee?

She was cut out.

[door opens]

Other than that, what'd you think?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Bobby, I liked you on TV last night.

Thanks, Allison.

Now that you're a star

can you get SpongeBob's autograph?

I'll try, but my dad says he's on a competing network.

Robert has left her messages, hid her two way.

She hasn't returned any of 'em. She must be really upset.

Well, maybe she did leave a message

and Dirk cut it out. Oh, no, no, no.

Come on, Jonelle. This is the one time I really feel for her.

There you are, Ms. Jewel, I saw you on TV last night.

‐ Wonderful job. ‐ Thank you.

Of course, you could've given us a, uh, shout out

here at the school.

I'll remember that next time, Mr. Tovell.

‐ Hey, girl. ‐ Hey. Hey, Jonelle.

Uh, Neesee, I wanna explain about last night.

I'm not looking for an explanation.

I'm lookin' for Bobby.

Come on, honey, grab your stuff.

‐ Is that your nanny? ‐ No, sweetie, I'm his mother.

Uh‐uh. I saw the news.

Uh, you know, don't believe everything you see.

I didn't just see it, I heard it, too.

So did I, Ms. Nanny.

Okay, girls. That's enough‐‐

No, no, you know, let me clear this up

because I don't want them going through life being confused.

What you saw and what you heard

was a made‐up story.

I'm Bobby's real mother and don't you forget that.

Our nanny speaks Spanish.

Do you speak Spanish?

[chuckles] Yeah.

Adios.

[instrumental music]

I can't believe they did that, Dirk.

Hey, I'm more pissed off than you are.

The promo department took my masterpiece and changed it.

Neesee wasn't in mine, either, but the music was much better.

How could you guys do that?

Because the campaign slogan is, "We Are Family"

not we are people living in sin in a complicated relationship.

‐ Or maybe it should be. ‐ No.

People don't want their entertainment to be complicated.

What was the biggest film this year? "Finding Nemo."

What was it about? Finding Nemo.

Dirk, I want it changed and I want it changed now.

And put back my tripod joke.

[laughs]

Classic.

Hey, baby. Hey..

‐ I need to talk to you. ‐ What's wrong, baby?

A couple of Jonelle's students saw the profile last night

and asked Neesee if she was Bobby's nanny.

‐ Uh‐huh? ‐ Mm‐hmm.

And they thought that I was Bobby's mother.

Mm‐hmm. And the principal, he was standing right there.

Mm‐hmm.

Well, apparently, the administration

frowns on teachers who date parents.

So what does that mean?

That just means that Neesee took

this opportunity to complain about us

and after a review, I might be out of a job.

[instrumental music]

[chuckles] That's right.

I didn't go through 72 hours of labor

just to watch Tia on TV

acting like she's Bobby's mother.

[chuckles] Girl, it was all I could do to keep it classy.

But lemme tell you, the hood almost slipped out.

[doorbell rings]

[gasps] Oh, Alex, Alex.

Lemme call you back. Okay.

What possessed you to file a complaint against Tia?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, number one

don't bring all that negative energy in to my space.

And number two, that tone, I ain't feelin' that

and don't work for me. Number three‐‐

Neesee, I didn't come here to listen to you count.

Well, don't be mad at me.

It's not my fault Tia's datin' a parent

sleazin' around with you.

We're not sleazin' around, we're engaged.

Uh, you say, tomato. I say, get out of my apartment.

I say, not until I get some answers.

Look, Robert, I don't owe you anything.

I was the one humiliated at my own child's school

by a five‐year‐old.

Well, Tia's about to lose her job

because you're bein' petty, Neesee.

Okay, Robert.

What you won't do is blame this on me.

The principal pulled me to the side

and asked me questions.

And I, being the child of God

simply answered them truthfully.

Well, Sister Run‐And‐Tell‐That.

You didn't have to offer up

information that didn't concern you.

I didn't know I was supposed to be lying for you.

And if you and Tia are so ashamed of how you're livin'

then maybe you shouldn't be doing it.

Why'd I even come here?

Yeah, exactly, exactly. Why did you?

Because you certainly didn't consult me

when you tried to cut me out of your expose.

‐ Did I deserve that? ‐ No, you didn't.

Just like Tia does not deserve to lose her job over this.

Now, Neesee, I'm asking you nicely.

Please withdraw your complaint.

Can you withdraw that video

from the memories of millions of viewers?

Neesee, I'mma let you in on a secret.

Not that many people watch my show.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

I'm one of those millions of non‐viewers.

Look, I'm outta here.

Oh, and for the record

it's tomato.

Yeah, well, either way it's still

get out of my apartment.

[instrumental music]

Look, I'm a member of the Clean Plate Club.

[chuckles] That's great.

Now, if you join the wipe‐your‐mouth scouts

you might get your dessert badge.

But I want a real dessert.

Oh, okay, Bobby, 'cause I got you some dry apricots

and some papaya chips.

‐ Ew! ‐ Ew!

You know what today is?

Today is Friday

which means, in the James household

daddy's takin' everybody out to get ice cream.

Yay!

Hey, baby, why don't you and Bobby go

'cause I'm not that hungry.

Oh, no, no, no, come on, baby.

There's nothin' like a triple scoop of sundae

that'll help you ease on down the rocky road.

Well, alright, okay.

‐ You buyin'? Okay. ‐ No problem.

‐ Come on, banana, let's split. ‐ Wait!

‐ Let's call mommy. ‐ Oh, mommy's at her house.

You're spendin' the weekend with me and Tia.

But you said you were taking

the family out for ice cream

and mommy is part of our milkshake.

Like you said to the TV people, remember?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you‐you‐you're right

but sometimes you don't have the milk to make a milkshake

but that doesn't mean that ice cream is not good on its own

but it's also good with chocolate syrup.

But chocolate syrup is not good without ice cream

unless you're making chocolate milk.

Which is why we're going for pie.

[chuckles]

Is mommy the filling or the crust?

Brother, sometimes a pie is just a pie.

[instrumental music]

Okay, what am I hungry for, Dirky?

Buffalo wings or mozzarella sticks?

‐ Turtle? ‐ Ah?

I'm gonna cut open this enchilada.

If it's chicken, you eat chicken

if it's cheese, you eat cheese, alright?

‐ Dirk, I need to talk to you. ‐ I'm in a meeting.

It's chicken.

Victory! Sweet‐and‐sour victory.

‐ So what's up? ‐ Dirk.

What did the station say about my retraction?

They said no, but the good news is

I got you hired as Mr. LA.

Dirk, I am Mr. LA.

Yeah, but you weren't for about ten minutes

after I told them you wanted a retraction.

You can thank me later.

Dirk, I need this retraction.

Not gonna happen, bro. Management said no.

So if you wanna keep your new job

you keep your mouth shut.

(male #1) 'And here we come.'

'In five'

'four, three, two..'

This is Robert James, Mr. LA

with the "Hollywood Scene."

My video pick of the week

is the Nicolas Cage box set

which includes "Raising Arizona"

"Face Off" and "Family Man."

Family man.

[sighs] I myself am a family man.

'And, yes, from time to time'

my ex‐wife wants to take my face off.

But that's because we're raisin'

well, his name is not Arizona, it's Bobby

but you get my point.

Please tell me he's not doin' this.

I know, I can't believe he left out

"Fast Times At Ridgemont High."

A lot of you saw my family profile the other night

and some of you maybe confused.

I know my son is, so let me set the record straight.

Wait a minute.

Nicolas Cage wasn't in "Fast Times At Ridgemont High."

No, but Nicolas Coppola was.

It's his real name. I can't talk to you.

The woman who you didn't see

who you should've seen

was my ex‐wife, Neesee

Bobby's mother.

Now, although we're divorced

she's still very much a part of my family.

Now, I know you're asking

"What does that have to do with Nicolas Cage."

Well, I'll tell you tomorrow if I still have my job

'cause I might be "Gone In 60 Seconds."

This is Mr. LA

saying peace to you.

I love you, Bobby Jr.

(male #1) 'And we're out.'

[bell rings]

‐ What do you think? ‐ I just have one question.

Is Nicolas Cage's real name Nicolas Coppola?

Yeah, that's Francis' nephew.

Never race against the Turtle, you will always lose.

[mumbles]

[instrumental music]

Thank you.

Hey, baby, that was Principal Tovell.

Neesee withdrew her complaint. Thank goodness.

Ah, I mean, I still have to be reviewed

but I get to keep my job.

Oh‐oh, that makes two of us, baby.

But I was so looking forward to being unemployed with you.

We could've sat around all day in our jammies

watching movies, eating candy

talkin' about how we can find another job

to afford more movies...again.

Okay, I get it. We dodged a bullet.

[door slams]

Hey, look, Neesee, we just wanna thank you‐‐

Look, before y'all get all sentimental and what not

and start thanking me, just know, it ain't even about you.

I did it for Bobby.

‐ But we still appreciate you‐‐ ‐ Uh, uh, uh..

‐ Bring the volume down to zero. ‐ Yeah.

Look, Neesee, I think what we're tryin' to say is

had we known the profile was gonna turn out the way it did

we would've never agreed to be in it.

Thank you, Tia.

But that's what I was trying to say‐‐

‐ Why you go‐‐ ‐ Uh, uh, uh..

‐ That ain't‐‐ ‐ Shut it down, brother man.

Shut it down.

‐ Wait a minute, woman! ‐ Ah!

I just wanted to see if I still had it.

Bobby!

Your mama's here.

See, that boy needs a time out.

Mm, and a spankin'.

[chuckles]

[instrumental music]

‐ Baby, this is fun. ‐ Hm?

Watching movies and playin' hooky.

Nah, you playin' hooky.

I'm just doin' my job in my pajamas.

It's still fun, you know, all this candy and stuff.

Not showerin'. Heh.

You mean, you didn't shower?

You mean, you showered and put back on the same pajamas?

You know what, baby?

Doin' this is not as much fun as talkin' about it.

But you know what is?

Mm‐hmm.

‐ You wanna do that? ‐ Mm.

Well, you know Bobby won't be back for an hour.

Ice cream!

Ice cream!

[theme music]