Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Hey, baby, look what I found on our doorstep.

If it's tickin' and it's from Neesee

I'm tellin' you right now, don't open it, baby.

It's our first engagement gift. Look.

[chuckles] We're gettin' gifts for gettin' it on.

‐ What is it? ‐ It's probably broken now.

‐ Uh‐oh! ‐ Huh!

Chef and Foxy Brown together at last.

[laughs]

Baby, it's us and we look like freaks.

Super freaks. I don't look that bad.

Tsk. Please, we look like a raggedy‐ass in Andy.

[laughs]

I mean, come on, baby, look, your fro is made out of Velcro.

[laughs] It's a velfro. Who sent it?

I don't know, you know, I looked, there was no note

so I guess they got a little bit of dignity.

[chuckles] You know what we need.

A Cadillac?

♪ With diamond in the back ♪

♪ Sun roof top ♪

♪ Diggin' the scene with a gangsta lean ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪♪♪

[laughing]

Like the song says, baby, be thankful for what you've got.

Well, I'll be thankful if we get a wedding registry

because I don't want any more hideous things

showin' up at our doorstep.

[doorbell rings]

[chuckles]

‐ Y'all talkin' about me? ‐ Hm?

‐ Daddy! ‐ Hey, what's up, big fellow?

Come here. Ugh!

‐ Hey, Bobby. ‐ Hi, Tia.

Make sure you get him in bed early

he's got that field trip to the zoo tomorrow.

Don't even stress, he's gonna have a quiet evening here.

Get it off! Get it off!

Oh, Bob. Bob. Hey, hold.. Stand still.

‐ Get it off! ‐ Take it off! Get it off!

‐ Get it off! ‐ Get it off!

Look, it's just daddy and, and Tia.

[screaming]

♪ Often I wish that we ♪

♪ Could take the time to see ♪

♪ The need there is to be a family yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause it's All Of Us ♪

♪ Sometimes it can be rough ♪

♪ Time and seasons change ♪

♪ But we will still remain ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪ ♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪♪♪

[instrumental music]

Oh, well, I hope you're ready for your engagement party

because the hors d'oeuvres I have planned

are going to be off the hook!

And I do mean literally off the hook

because we're having sushi.

[gasps] Shh!

You're going to upset my babies.

[chuckles] So did you set up your registry?

Oh, girl, we're finally doin' it tonight. I am so excited.

Whoa! A wild night at the Linen Barn.

So are you and Robert gonna hit the sheets?

‐ Tia! Tia! ‐ Oh, Bobby, what's wrong?

Ms. Wilbur won't let me on the bus.

Mommy forgot my permission slip.

Well, I'm sure you can still go.

Uh, no, he can't.

Ever since little Lester wandered in

to that pack of mating wombats, there's a new rule.

No slip, no trip.

And bring a change of clothes.

‐ But I wanna go! ‐ Oh, honey.

Poo happens.

‐ But I wanna see the wombats. ‐ You will.

I'm just gonna go over here and sign your mommy's name

on this slip and everything's gonna be okay.

‐ Oh, I didn't hear that. ‐ Here you go.

‐ Thanks. ‐ Hey, have fun, baby.

And watch out for those wombats.

‐ Okay. ‐ And the horny toads!

What? They are some freaky little critters.

[sighs] Well, Larry, you had a good week.

[sighs]

For the homies.

‐ What is this? ‐ A school.

And we don't have a liquor license.

No, I'm talkin' about this.

I'd like to know how did Bobby get on the bus today

with a forged permission slip.

Uh, listen, Neesee, I only signed that slip

because you forgot to pack his.

Mm‐hmm, well, that answers one question

but I have another.

Who the hell is Neesee Harrison?

‐ Uh, you? ‐ Uh, no.

‐ My name is Neesee James. ‐ Okay, I'm sorry.

I guess, I just assumed that after the divorce

you went back to your maiden name.

You know, your real name.

Neesee James is my real name.

Okay, it was a honest mistake.

Don't play with me, Tia.

I'm not.

Look, Neesee, you made a mistake.

I fixed it. Apology accepted.

Girl, you lucky I found Jesus. Whoo!

[chuckles] What, is he working at Gucci now?

[instrumental music]

Well, baby, what happened today was just Neesee bein' Neesee.

No, what happened today was Neesee being Mrs. James.

Well, look, I don't like that she has my name, either

but tonight it's not about her, it's about us.

‐ And tonight.. ‐ Yeah?

Us is about to get us a toaster.

Cover me, baby.

Freeze. Excuse me, ma'am. Shoot.

It's okay, we can go, we can go over here now.

We can go over here now. Did you hear that sound, huh?

That sound here means that there's one less gift

that we have to return.

‐ You wanna try? ‐ Okay. Alright.

What you need to do is just point at your target

get it in your cross hairs and then squeeze nice and slow.

Ooh, I like the way it feels in my hand.

‐ Me, too, girl. ‐ Good Lord.

Alright, here, Tia, come on. Hey..

And pull the trigger, deputy

'cause I think there's some gold in 'em there grills.

‐ Okay. ‐ Mm.

[laughing] Feel better?

Uh, yeah, I reckon so

but Neesee. Ooh, she just gets on my nerves.

Oh, come on, baby, you don't have to worry

about Neesee 'cause I love you

and you are the most important Mrs. James in my life.

[chuckles]

‐ What are we laughin' at? ‐ Well, nothin'.

You know, I just, I just realized

that we're pickin' out the china pattern

that we're gonna grow old with

and we haven't discussed me not changing my name.

Oh, that.

Oh..

My baby is goin' for the hyphen. Mwah.

You know what, I'mma call you Mrs. Dash.

‐ Doop! There it is. ‐ Uh, no, honey, no.

I, I don't want the hyphen.

I mean, not to mention the fact that Tia Jewel James

just sounds like a stripper.

[beeps]

Yeah, yeah. It's the..

It's the James that screams lap dance.

I mean, it's like you'll never hear

"Coming to the stage, the sexy, the vivacious..

[imitates dress ripping] ...James!"

Okay, okay. Come here.

I'm very proud to be your wife

but I'm also very proud to be Tia Jewel.

Now, I know you can understand that.

Nah, I understand that whatever I think doesn't matter.

That's not true.

But come on. Come on! Now, see, we were having fun, see?

Just mount on up, cowboy

and let's start a‐bloopin'.

Hm, you know what, I'm not bloopin' nothin'.

Tell me, I mean, a‐are there any other life choices

you made for us that I need to know about?

Like, are, are we Jewish?

'Cause if I need to be circumcised, I need to know now.

‐ You're being childish. ‐ No.

Bein' childish is if you bloop

a bunch of Crockpots just to make a point. You understand?

Okay, okay, stop, you're ruinin' the registry.

No, I think if Tia Jewel can have what she wants

Robert James should be able to have what he wants

and right now Robert James wants a bunch of Crockpots

and he's gonna get a lot of Crockpots.

[gibberish]

‐ Okay, that's enough! ‐ Ugh! Ugh! Ugh‐ugh!

Where you goin', woman?

Hey, Tia..

When I turn around, you better be here, that's all I know.

[instrumental music]

I mean, it took Tia a few days to calm down

but she's still bein' unreasonable.

She's like, "I don't never want your name.

I don't like it. I don't wanna be a stripper."

There's your problem right there.

You can't ask her to take your name

and strip for you on the same day.

[chuckles]

You gotta pace yourself.

Hey, Mr. LA, it's promo time.

Now, when you see the red light, just, just smile and don't wink.

It looks creepy.

Turtle, you're the assistant, I'm the producer.

I decide if he winks.

‐ Thank you, Dirk. ‐ Don't wink.

You look like that little Clay Aiken boy.

[laughs]

Alright, let's break this Tia situation then.

‐ Tia's gotta take your name. ‐ I know.

I mean, a‐and you know, it's not just a name.

It's her commitment to our relationship

we're talkin' about here, right?

Wrong, it's because if she doesn't

it makes you look like a little bitch.

‐ Well, I ain't no bitch. ‐ You're on.

Hey, look, Dirk, it's not like I'm doing this, like

caveman style, I didn't club her in the head

drag her in to a cave and make her take my name.

It'd be easier to get you some press if you did.

Just something to think about.

Gentlemen, a name doesn't actually change

what something is, well

unless, of course, that name is Abracadabra.

[mumbles]

That aside, okay, what I call a sweet potato

others may call it yam, but that doesn't change the fact

that it's delicious when sprinkled with brown sugar.

And we all know that Tia has got plenty of brown sugar.

Why you gotta go there, man? Just..

No, wait. Turtle's got a point. Tia's name doesn't change her.

It changes you in to a little bitch.

Well, I've to tell you, man, it was

a whole lot easier with Neesee.

She wanted my name on our first date

and she still hasn't let it go.

Hold up. You let Neesee keep your name after the divorce?

Well, I didn't let her keep it. She jacked it.

No wonder why Tia's not makin' the switch.

A new wife's never gonna take your name

if the ex is still flossin' with it.

But whatever happened to that

I'm‐Tia‐Jewel‐ I‐am‐woman‐hear‐me‐roar

stuff she was talkin' about.

It's a smokescreen.

Woman talk that crap so you don't know

how territorial and demented they really are.

Yeah, well, I don't blame her, man.

You know, I wouldn't wanna share a name with Neesee.

I mean, after all, James is my name.

Yeah, yours and ten million other Americans.

[chuckles]

What? It's a very common name.

Well, in America.

Very few Jameses in Mexico.

I'm goin' over to Neesee's and I'mma straighten this out.

That's right. You ain't no punk.

That's right 'cause I'm a man.

I'm about to handle my business like a man

right after I wash up my makeup.

[instrumental music]

‐ Robert. ‐ Neesee, we need to talk.

I guess your little ginger snap told you

she forged Bobby's permission slip.

Yes, my beloved fiancee let me know

she picked up your slack.

Robert, I'm really trying to work with you on this

and I'm really tryin' to give you your space.

But your peanut‐butter cup got one more half a time

to smack me in my face before I just‐‐

Will you just calm down, Neesee?

She tried to embarrass me

in front of the whole school, Robert.

Tia wouldn't do that.

She's not you.

Ooh, oh, no.

Then she just got you whipped in stupid, then, huh?

She not foolin' me, Robert.

I know what time it is.

Yeah, well, speakin' of time

how much longer do you think you'll be keeping my name?

Oh, well, let me check my watch.

See that four, put a ever behind, then add a day.

[chuckles] Yeah, well, um

I was thinkin', a little sooner than that.

See the two, add a morrow and subtract a day.

[scoffs]

Robert, what are you doin' over here?

Did Tia send you over here to do her dirty work?

Comin' over here wasn't Tia's idea.

Oh, was it Dirk's?

That's not the point.

Look, Neesee, when you gave up on the marriage

you gave up on a name, and I would appreciate it

if you just stop holdin' on to it.

First of all, I'm not holdin' on to your name.

I'm holdin' on to our son's name.

When I pick Bobby up from school

I don't wanna have to explain who I am.

I'm not his nanny, I'm not his babysitter

I'm his mother.

I didn't have my mother's last name. And I hated it.

We're family.

We're gonna have the same last name whether you like it or not.

Yam. Sweet potato.

[instrumental music]

‐ Hey, Tia. Ooh! ‐ 'You ready?'

Who gave you this lovely thing?

I don't know.

Have you ever seen anything that ugly?

Well, not since the three weeks I spent crocheting it.

Ooh. Oh, wow. I'm sorry.

Girl, I'm just playin' with you. Aha!

You should've seen the look on your face!

‐ Here, girl, have a cosmo. ‐ Oh..

Hey, baby.

I really need to talk to you about this last‐name thing.

Okay, baby, but the party is getting ready to start

and...you stink.

Come on, baby, we need to talk.

No, come on. Oh, see, see that? Here.

Come on, come on, wash it, rub it, scrub it.

Come on, go, go, go. Just go.

First guest. I'll get the hors d'oeuvre.

Yeah, you do that.

Neesee?

Tia, I'm gonna make this quick.

Am I disturbin' something?

We're getting ready to have our engagement party.

Look, Neesee, I wanna apologize for the other day.

I really didn't mean to offend you.

Thank you, and I'll accept your apology

if, uh, you can look me in my face and honestly tell me

you didn't intentionally sign my maiden name

just to try to get to me.

What? Oh, no.

I.. Okay. Okay.

Maybe I had a momentary lapse of sanity

and I might've got a little satisfaction out of it

especially when I saw your face, but that was wrong.

I knew it. I knew‐‐

Whoa‐whoa‐whoa, hold on.

Before you go on, I need you to come over here and tell me

that there's not some part of you

that's not holdin' on to the James name

because you still wanna be Mrs. LA.

[humming]

Tia, if you're wonderin' if I enjoy the perks

that go along with it, the answer is hell, yeah.

See, I thought a independent woman

wouldn't wanna be bothered wi‐‐

Oh, and see, you can't talk to me

about bein' independent.

I'm a single woman raising a child.

There's no one more independent than that.

And until you have a child of your own

you won't be able to understand that, period.

And as far as my name is concerned

this mother is keeping it for her son

because that's what families do.

Okay, well, Neesee, I'm really glad

that I had an opportunity to hear what you have to say

and I'll just tell Robert that you stopped by.

‐ Neesee, you're looking lovely. ‐ Shut up.

Hi. Well, you guys all came at the same time, huh?

Yep, and we certainly didn't hear anything

on the other side of the door.

I see my baby's found a happy home.

Oh, that's a nice try.

You know, Jonelle already tried that on me

and, you, you couldn't knit anything that ugly if you tried.

[laughing]

Oh, I accept your challenge.

And I look forward to your next birthday.

[scoffs] You know, if you're gonna send me velfro

you gotta put a note on it, okay?

Hey, you know, Neesee was up in here a minute ago.

‐ For real? ‐ Yeah.

You want me to get my people on it?

Oh, Dirk, the only people

you have is me and I'm already on it.

Hey, baby, what was Neesee doin' here?

Oh, we were just havin' some girl talk.

What do you mean?

That just means that me and you need

to have some boy‐girl talk.

Baby, I think we need to start over.

‐ Start over? ‐ From the beginning.

So, basically, get out.

‐ But this is my house. ‐ Less talking, more walking.

Come on now.

And, uh, uh, knock while you're out there. Knock.

[knocking on door]

Uh, who is it?

(Robert) 'I don't know who you want me to be.'

Boy, just be you!

'That's the guy you threw out in the first place.'

Mm‐mm, mm‐mm. Mm.

Well, hey.

You fine, butter‐pecan‐tan man.

You know, I never met you before

but I think I love you.

[chuckles] I never met you, either

but you want mocha choco latte ya‐ya.

And I love you, too.

‐ What was that? ‐ First base.

Well I'm about to steal second.

Oh, no, no, no. I don't know you like that.

No, no, no. You need to tell me more stuff about yourself.

You know, I need to hear something.

Alright. Ahem.

‐ My name is Robert James. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ And I'm a underwear model. ‐ Oh. Oh.

And I like long walks in the rain, naked.

‐ How about you? ‐ Oh, well..

I like underwear models

in the rain

without their underwear.

And I'm Tia Jewel.

‐ Soon to be Tia Jewel James. ‐ Uh‐huh?

You're gettin' married and you're takin' the hyphen?

Yeah, you know, I met this little joker

who I might wanna have kids with

and...I just think we should share a name

because that's what families do.

‐ It is. ‐ It is.

Hm, you must really like this dude.

Oh, he alright, you know?

‐ He's just alright? ‐ He's cool. He cool, he cool.

‐ He just alright, huh? ‐ Yay, you know? Yay.

[mumbles]

‐ Alright. ‐ Mm?

Break it up. You in a kitchen.

Nobody's that in love.

Well, hot party, though. Tia, I just met your girl, Vivian.

I'm about to go lay my mack down.

Well, how do I look? Check me out. Teeth.

‐ Nose. Pits. ‐ Stop.

Look, Dirk, I‐I think we should start from the beginning, man.

‐ Get out. ‐ What?

No, it's just this little funny thing that Tia showed me.

You'll like it, it's fun. Yeah.

What the hell are you talkin' about?

When I close the door, knock.

‐ I'mma go lay my mack down. ‐ Just, just..

[gibberish]

[knocking on door]

(Dirk) 'Alright, come on, bro, open the door.'

[knocking on door]

'Stop playin', man, open the door!'

Oh, my goodness. Is this what I think it is?

Only if what you're thinking is...Crockpot!

Crockpot!

[laughs]

‐ Crockpot! ‐ Crockpot!

Hello, I'm Crocodile Dundee.

[laughing]

Hey, baby, look, look, look..

♪ Crock my baby ♪♪♪

Hey, baby, let's play "Miami Vice."

You be Tubbs and I'll be Crockett.

[laughing]

Hey, baby, baby, come on, you're crockin' me up.

[laughing]

Come on, baby, we gotta go upstairs

and we gotta get up at the crock‐of‐dawn!

[laughing]

‐ Crock! Crock! ‐ Crock! Crock!

‐ Who's there? ‐ I don't know.

Uh, me neither.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]