Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

‐ Baby? ‐ 'What's up?'

Hey, have you seen my blouse?

I can't find it anywhere.

Uh, well, let's retrace our steps.

Let me see, last night we had a drink.

You know, you grabbed my tie.

You said, "Take me, daddy. Take me."

‐ Mm‐hm. ‐ Huh?

I said, "Call me Shaka."

Yeah, then I said "Shaka Zulu or Chaka Khan?"

‐ Uh‐huh. Uh‐huh. ‐ Yeah.

Then I threw you on the bed.

Whoo! You did girl, you did.

Then I said, "Take it like a man, punk."

Mmm!

And then I rolled you over.

‐ Yeah. Right. ‐ Right.

And then I start unbuttoning your shirt

with my teeth like this.

‐ Mm. ‐ Oh.

‐ Mm. ‐ Uh.

‐ Mm. ‐ Umh!

Damn, baby. I think, I might've ate it.

[phone ringing]

(Robert on answering machine) 'Leave a message.'

[beeping]

(Neesee on phone) 'Robert, pick up the phone.'

'Your son is trippin'.'

Hey, Neesee.

He said what to his coach?

Yeah, I'll talk to him.

Yeah, alright. Alright. Later.

Hey, hey, hey, baby.

Where you goin'? Where you goin'?

No, it's, um, it's late

and I need to get to school

and you need to finish stuff, so..

Aw, come on, baby, I‐I was talkin' to Neesee

as my son's mother, I wasn't taking to her as my ex‐wife.

I know, sweetie. It's okay.

Piggyback.

‐ Come on, Robert. ‐ Come on, baby.

You know, complete honesty in the piggyback position.

Come on.

Alright.

What's bothering you?

Well..

...every time Neesee calls, my man jumps.

And I know it's because he's a great father.

and he's doin' the right thing.

But it's not always easy for me.

I know. I know.

But you know you're my angel, right?

Yes, I do.

But come on, this angel's gotta cover her wings

and get the halo outta here.

[chuckling] Alright. You know what?

‐ Alright, you can use this. ‐ What?

‐ You like this? You like that? ‐ Mm.

Damn, you look good in my shirt.

You know, maybe you should bring a few of your own over here.

‐ Really? ‐ I mean, yeah.

You know, we are engaged.

I got a little bit of extra closet space.

And I was gonna wear that shirt.

Baby, I'd love that because, you know, that means

that even when we're not together

our little clothes will be side by side.

[chuckling] I like that. I like that.

‐ But I, I got‐I got one rule. ‐ What?

You get to use the hangers 'cause the floor is all me.

Okay. Oh! Oh!

I know, I just need to put a couple of things away

'cause my fuca‐fuca‐fuca days are over.

Just put this in the garage.

Then, uh, move these like that.

‐ 'Oh.' ‐ And then..

That's all you, baby. Get your space on.

I'mma get my gloves on first.

♪ Often I wish that we ♪

♪ Could take the time to see ♪

♪ The need there is to be ♪

♪ A family yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause it's All Of Us ♪

♪ Sometimes it can be rough ♪

♪ Time and seasons change ♪

♪ But we will still remain ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪♪♪

[instrumental music]

Tia, are you all done with the crayons?

Oh, yeah. I am.

Here you go, Lily.

What happened to the rest of 'em?

What do you think happened?

She has the Peter the eater

in her class.

‐ How many did he have? ‐ Uh, six with a glue chaser.

And after that he pretty much kept his mouth shut.

Later, guys.

Girl, how hard is it for people

to pick up after themselves?

At least Peter the eater cleans his plate.

I'm not talking about Peter the eater.

I'm talking about Robert the slob‐ert.

It's like he's ODB's little brother.

"Oh, Really Dirty Bastard."

What, did you really think

just because he looks clean on TV

he wasn't like every other funky man, hmm?

Yeah, kinda.

Girl, now you know

I have dated every size, shape

and shade of man there is.

And let me tell you somethin', they are all the same.

So you have two choices.

you either change them yourself.

Or you have five gay guys

do it for you on national TV.

Uh‐uh, girl, they would never

come out of that closet, no.

[instrumental music]

I know we just started cleaning

but I feel so much better already.

I don't. I don't believe you suckered me into helping you.

Ah, that was easy. You are nosey.

‐ Guess it's true. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Hi, Tia. Hi, Ms. Abrahams. ‐ Aww. Oh, Bobby.

‐ What's up? ‐ How's my favorite student?

Good. I left my soccer shirt upstairs, can I go get it?

Honey, this is your house

you don't need to ask permission.

Well, I think it is sweet

that you have such good manners, Bobby.

Go ahead.

He got it from his mama.

And where, oh, where

do his mama get hers?

‐ Excuse me! ‐ Huh?

What're you doin' with my baby's crib?

Tryin' to put it in the garage.

No. My son's crib doesn't belong in the garage.

Well, there is no room for it in the closet

so, where do you suggest I stick it?

In my trunk.

[car lock beeps]

Well, if you ask me she look like

she already got enough junk in her trunk.

[instrumental music]

‐ Damn, you look happy. ‐ Huh.

What Tia do to you last night?

Come on, man. You know I don't kiss and tell.

But she's lovin' me right now.

Check it. I hooked her up with some closet space.

You crazy, man?

You don't give up your real estate.

Come on, man, I'm just sharin' a closet.

No. You are not sharing anything.

Women don't share, they dominate.

Do you think Ozzy Osbourne wanted that flowery couch?

Come on, think. This how it started with Neesee.

You shared a closet with her.

Now you share your pre‐tax income.

Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen this time.

Well, don't be too sure.

In this country 100 percent

of all marriages end in divorce.

Dirk, that is not a real statistic.

One hundred percent of your marriages end in divorce.

That's right. I'm three for three.

I'm one proud, average American.

Yeah, well, I'm not.

Really?

Neesee? You are one for one.

That's 100 percent, bruh.

This isn't a closet, it's a time capsule.

Hey, look.

Check out these hammer pants. Ha‐ha!

Whoo! Can't touch those. Hm.

Girl, look at this stuff, he's got torn clothes

broken sports equipment, old video tape.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't you wanna know what's on this?

Well, it's unlabeled, so it's probably blank.

Then this ought to be quick.

Ah, no, no. We can't, no.

Tia, every man I've dated has a closet.

And inside that closet is always an unmarked tape.

So, if you want to know your man

you've got to watch that...tape.

[chuckles] Well, that's not a good enough reason.

How about to see if the VCR works?

‐ After you. ‐ Okay.

Tia, come on.

Girl, you so nosey.

Yes.

‐ I'm comin'. ‐ Okay. What is this?

Jheri curls, no teeth.

Girl, it's a Rick James convention.

This is Robert and Neesee's wedding.

Oh, damn. Okay. Well, let's watch it.

Neesee looks so beautiful.

I'd like to propose a toast, everybody.

[glass shatters]

Mazel tov!

Hey, I know the day that Robert met Neesee

'cause that's the same day

that I met Wanda.

And Wanda was a freak, man.

‐ She had a big ol' a‐‐ ‐ Hey.

You're supposed to drink after the toast.

Neesee, I remember the first day I met you

in Professor Sanders' class, and I thought..

...there is no way a pretty girl like that

would ever talk to me.

And I was right, y'all.

[laughs]

So, I had to kick it to you.

And we've been kickin' it ever since.

And we always will.

(Robert) Neesee..

I never knew I was looking for you

until I found you.

And I thank God for that.

Robert, you know, you're my heart

my strength, my best friend.

You're my everything, man.

And I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

‐ Mm. ‐ Mmh.

I love you, Boo.

I love you too.

You know you're my angel, right?

(Neesee) 'Yes.'

[instrumental music]

You know, sweetie. We don't have to watch this.

Ah. Yeah, I just‐just, we just..

It's okay.

[upbeat music]

‐ Hey, baby. ‐ Hey, honey.

Alright, now.

‐ Is there something wrong? ‐ No.

Why would you say that?

I don't know, I mean, you seem a little‐‐

"A little" what?

Beautiful?

Pretty as an angel, Boo.

Okay, piggyback.

‐ Robert, come on. ‐ Nuh‐uh, piggyback, girl.

You're right, you're right, this is definitely

a piggyback moment, but, honey, if I climb up there

right now, I might bite your ear off like Tyson.

Okay, let me just sort my feelings. When..

Ah, come on, baby. Is this about the closet?

'Cause I can clean it.

I can take the crib down to the garage

right now if you want.

No, the closet's clean.

Crib's gone. Neesee took it.

Neesee what? How could you let her take it?

How could I let her? Baby, it's her crib.

She wanted it, she took it.

Why do you have to keep everything?

I don't keep everything.

I only keep what's important to me.

Okay, Robert, there comes a time

when you have to figure out what stays.

And what goes.

Could you stay?

[instrumental music]

[knock on door]

Daddy!

Hey, hey, what's up, man?

‐ How you doin'? ‐ Fine.

‐ What's up, Neesee? ‐ Hey.

So, how was soccer practice today?

‐ Fine. ‐ Yeah?

So, tell me what you said to your coach.

♪ Turn around and let me see you go ♪

♪ Bomp bomp bomp ♪♪♪

That's what I'm talking about.

It is a lady coach, right?

Hey, Bobby, listen..

...I think that you're a great singer.

But there are certain songs that mommy and daddy

don't want you to sing around adults.

And that's one of them, okay?

What's up, Robert?

Ah! Just need to talk a little bit.

Okay, sweetie, why don't you go to your room

and get your jammies on and mommy'll be there

in a second to tuck you in.

‐ Okay. ‐ Hey, hey, hey.

You forgettin' somethin'? Forgettin' somethin'?

Talk to you tomorrow, alright?

‐ Love you. ‐ Love you too.

[chuckles]

Neesee, I don't appreciate you coming over

to my house and jackin' my crib.

Robert, I ain't jack jack.

Your little girlfriend was gonna put it on the curb.

Correction, my fiancee, soon‐to‐be‐wife

was about to put it in the garage.

‐ Same smell. ‐ Huh.

Look, Neesee, what's yours is yours

and what was mine became yours.

And I paid a gang of money to an attorney

to keep whatever scraps that was left over.

Our son is not a scrap.

And he does not belong in a garage.

I'm not talking about Bobby, I'm talking about you

comin' over to my house and takin' something

that does not belong to you.

Look, you don't give a damn about that crib.

You just don't want me to have it.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

So you are listening.

Stay outta my house, Neesee.

Hey.

That used to be my house too, you know?

AOL keyword, "Used to."

Now, Google this, "You were the one who gave it up, Neesee."

Well, maybe because I didn't wanna stay in a house

with a chalk outline of my marriage on the floor.

Yeah, well, you were the one who drew it.

I'm takin' the crib.

Ah, no, no. Uh‐uh‐uh, huh, huh.

You better think again.

I'm thinkin'.

[instrumental music]

Live from Hollywood, this is Mr. LA

saying peace to you.

(male #1) 'And clear!'

That was the worst show ever.

Really? You think that was my worst show ever?

I think, that was the worst show ever

in the history of television.

What's goin' on with you?

Man, I'm just worn out from goin'

fifteen rounds with Neesee.

She tried to take my crib.

She tried to take your house?

No, Bobby's crib.

‐ And then Tia spun out. ‐ What'd you do?

I didn't do nothin'. She's mad at me for no reason, Dirk.

Brother, there's always a reason.

Phone number in your pocket, glitter on your cheek..

...lab results.

Dirk, your past is not helping me

figure out why Tia's mad at me.

She probably just mad 'cause you took my advice and told her

to keep her stuff out of your closet.

Yeah, but I didn't, when I got home

she had already cleaned it out.

See, I knew givin' a freeway into your closet

was your first mistake.

‐ What was my second? ‐ Shoot!

First one's so bad I'mma count it twice.

She obviously spent all afternoon going through

your closet, found something that pissed her off.

Classic "Bluebeard."

Bluebeard?

"Bluebeard." The Fable?

Pirate dude. Had a castle.

Gave his wife the keys to every room.

Told her she could go in all of 'em except for one.

As soon as he hit the high seas

home‐girl hightailed it to that room.

And you know what was in there?

The end of this story, I hope.

The bones of all his other nosey ass wives.

[chuckles]

What's your point, Dirk? I should kill Tia?

No. Women snoop. You gave Tia a key.

She found a skeleton in your closet.

Yeah, well, I don't have any skeletons.

Oh, my God! The tape!

Tia found the sex tape.

You got a sex tape, you didn't make me a copy?

It's of me and Neesee.

You got a sex tape of you and Neesee

you didn't make me a copy?

Could you be serious? I got a problem here, man.

I know you do, how could you leave something like that

in your house where Tia could find it?

I forgot I even had it. I only watched it once.

Once? Why?

Here's a tip.

If you are gonna make a sex tape, don't be on top

or you'll spend 20 minutes starin' at your own ass.

[instrumental music]

[knock on door]

Thanks for coming by, baby.

You're welcome.

[sighs]

I know you found the tape.

You know, you should have said somethin', baby.

I know, but..

It was so romantic and you were so..

...into her.

Yeah, well the cameras come on and..

...you just perform.

Oh, no, baby. That was no performance.

And Neesee?

I mean, I'm used to her

looking at you with disgust.

But there was pure joy in her eyes.

And why wouldn't it be?

Near the end when all that love

came pourin' out of you..

What part of the tape were you watchin'?

I was watchin' the wedding. Well, no.

Actually, it was just the reception.

The wedding video.

Yeah.

[laughing]

[both laughing]

‐ What? ‐ Nothin', nothin', nothin'.

Oh, no, no, no. Piggyback.

Uh‐huh, uh‐huh, uh‐huh.

Baby, girls can't call piggyback.

Only guys can call piggyback.

Come on. Man up, let's go.

No, it's.. No, it's cool. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool.

‐ Okay. ‐ Alright.

I thought you seen the sex tape with me and Neesee.

Woo! Uh‐huh.

Robert, okay.

Um, okay. That's okay. It's..

That just means there's two tapes you need to get rid of.

Well, I don't even know

where the sex tape is..

...but the wedding video stays, babe.

Look, that's my life and my history.

It contributed to the man that you fell in love with.

Just like your history contributed to the woman

I fell in love with.

Okay.

But, sweetie, you called Neesee angel.

That's what you call me.

Grandfather used to call my grandmother that.

Oh, baby, that's sweet, but..

...I'd like my own pet name, okay?

We could do that.

How about "thickums?"

‐ No. ‐ Now then..

‐ How about, uh, "sugar tush?" ‐ Sugar tush?

‐ Huh? You like that? ‐ I am sweet like that.

Oh, God.

Could you try knocking next time?

You know what, I came over here to bring you your crib back.

Because I didn't want you comin' into my house

tryin' to take my stuff.

But, oh, I wanna let you know.

I think you're being real petty.

Uh, Neesee, wait, wait.

Baby, you don't even want that crib

so, why don't you just let her have it?

Well, maybe if she asks me.

Neesee, is there something

you would like to ask Robert?

Yeah.

Robert..

...you think..

...your girlfriend can get this back in my trunk

without scratchin' the paint?

[car lock beeps]

Yeah, I'mma go out there and scratch somethin'.

[chuckles]

Baby, you just cannot get enough

of this wedding video, can you?

Please, I'm just tryin' to see what I am marrying into.

Okay, so now, who's this guy flossin' in the dashiki?

That's my Uncle Ernie, but don't worry.

He's not coming to our wedding.

Unless we get married in three to five.

And the fat guy in the wheel chair, who is he?

That's my Aunt Myrtle.

She's a hell of a cook.

Now, see, now those people are dressed nicely.

‐ Okay, who are they? ‐ Waiters.

You know what, let's just do this some other time.

I think that's a good idea.

‐ Hey. ‐ What?

Let's practice the honeymoon.

Yeah.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]