Original subtitles

‐ 'Babycakes!' ‐ 'Yeah?'

Come on out here and check out your man's new sign‐off.

‐ Come on now. Ooh. ‐ Let's do it.

‐ Boop! Got you. Oops. ‐ Oh, come on.

Stop it. Ahem.

...and the movie will open in theaters Friday.

This is Robert James, Mr. LA

saying peace to you.

[laughing]

You like it?

[chuckles] No.

I mean, w‐why not? It's different.

Well, you're black. And on TV that's different enough, baby.

‐ Okay? ‐ Well, I liked it.

Oh, come on now, you are smart and sexy

and the camera loves you.

[chuckles] Well, you know the camera don't lie, right?

[laughing]

Hey, baby, let me be Puff Daddy.

‐ No. ‐ Come on now, one time.

No, I am not gonna drop it like it's sour

with your son upstairs.

Come on, babe.

♪ Break it down Tia Tia ♪

♪ Break it down Tia ♪

♪ Break it down Tia break it down ♪

♪ Break it down break it break it break it ♪

♪ Break it break it down Tia whoo break it down Tia ♪♪♪

‐ Hi, guys. ‐ Oh, hey!

‐ Bobby. ‐ Hey, son.

Daddy.

Reggie taught me how to spell a bad word.

‐ Which one? ‐ H‐L‐K.

And what does that spell?

‐ Ass? ‐ Bobby, no, no.

‐ See, there's no K in ass. ‐ Tia.

Well, uh, I'm a teacher.

The boy's got to know how to spell, right?

I'll see you tomorrow, Bobby.

Hey, babe. Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

‐ Where are you going, babe? ‐ Home.

I am not gonna lay up in this house

with your son here, like some hoochie.

Well, he don't pay no bills up in here.

All this is me. All of it.

Well, things will be different when the divorce is final.

‐ Or as I call it, hoochie time. ‐ Yes?

‐ Hm. Like‐like this. ‐ Oh.

[gasps]

Mommy!

Honey.

Uh! Mm. Mm.

‐ Tia. ‐ Neesee.

The bell works, Neesee.

[doorbell rings]

Yeah, it does.

Ooh, I am thirsty.

‐ Can I get you something? ‐ I'll have a water.

Nah, we cool.

God, I've always loved this couch.

[chuckling]

Hey, look, Tia already got the boy in his jammies.

Oh. Well, isn't Tia sweet?

Yeah, and she taught me how to spell ass.

Oh? Well, remember that, sweetie.

Someday mommy may have you repeat that to a nice judge.

♪ Often I wish that we ♪

♪ Could take the time to see ♪

♪ The need there is to be a family yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause it's All Of Us ♪

♪ Sometimes it can be rough ♪

♪ Time and seasons change ♪

♪ But we will still remain ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪ ♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪♪♪

‐ Good morning, sweetheart. ‐ Mwah, mwah!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I thought you didn't want round 12.

So who rang the bell?

Uh, a messenger from Neesee's lawyer's office.

Oh, man. What do they want now?

Just my signature.

Divorce papers came.

Oh, oh, so, uh, this is it?

‐ The final papers? ‐ Yup.

A year and a half of blood, sweat and checking under my car.

Okay, so, uh, we're, uh, moving up like George and Weezie, huh?

[laughing]

[clears throat]

Wow.

These things are a lot heavier than I thought they'd be.

Oh, that's just because there's

half of everything you own in them.

[laughing]

Yeah.

[chuckles]

Whee‐hoo‐hoo!

[laughing]

‐ Girl, you crazy. ‐ I'd be tripping hard.

[laughing]

[mumbles]

You know what? I needed that laugh.

‐ I'm late. I gotta go. ‐ Okay.

Alright. I love you.

[Tia Chuckles]

[instrumental music]

I don't know, he didn't say he wasn't gonna sign 'em.

‐ He just didn't. ‐ Well, what did I tell you?

‐ I don't think you really‐‐ ‐ No, what did I tell you?

You told me to hurry up and sleep with him

before you did.

Why are you putting my business out on the street like that?

It's not easy for Robert. There's a kid involved.

‐ They wreck everything. ‐ Then why do you have so many?

Because I'm a heavy sleeper.

[chuckles]

Y‐you know, it's like I'm living with the ghost of an ex‐wife

who's not dead. I mean, I don't know, you guys.

I just thought one day the papers would come

and Robert would ask me to marry him

and we would live happily ever after.

‐ You know? ‐ Here's what you gotta do.

You gotta tell Robert how you really feel.

‐ Oh, no, I don't wanna‐‐ ‐ Girl, you wanna.

This is war

and you're fighting with rocks and sticks

and Neesee's got the mother of all bombs.

‐ She's got Bobby Jr. ‐ The baby bomb.

[instrumental music]

‐ So why didn't you sign 'em? ‐ I don't know, Turtle.

I mean, when those papers came this morning, I froze.

I thought they'd say, "You win, champ. Take the belt."

But instead, they said, "Fight's over, you lose.

Sign here and admit it."

So, uh, what happened?

Boy, you got a damn rock for a head.

What are you talking about?

I couldn't help but overhear all that nonsense.

How could you not help but overhear, Dirk?

Your mike's on.

You're broadcasting all over the studio.

They're killing your ass on the set.

I can't believe you're gonna mess this thing up with Tia.

Look, man, I'm not about to mess up anything.

I love Tia more than I love my damn self.

Do you know, the other night

while we were making love, I cried?

I tried that trick, too.

You're supposed to stop once they give in.

Phantom‐limb syndrome.

‐ What? ‐ That's what you've got.

The human mind doesn't like change.

Like, when someone gets an arm chopped off

and it still itches.

But it's worse for you because you and your arm had a baby.

Thanks, man.

Look, Neesee left you.

Tia loves you.

Am I missing something here or you're just stupid?

I'm not stupid.

I'm scared.

What?

Boy, I know you're not going pink on me.

You better man up.

What the hell are you scared of?

You, right now.

Look, man, I, I don't, I don't know, brah.

I mean, it‐it's, it's like, you know, uh, uh

maybe I'm scared because I already failed once.

And once I sign those divorce papers

I'm in uncharted territory, man.

You know, my mom used to say

that, that sometimes we stay in hell

because we know the names of the streets.

My man.

For real.

Seriously. This ain't nothing.

I've been married and divorced three times.

You don't know what scary is till you lose

half of half of half of everything.

Bottom line, life's a flaming hoop, brah.

And you gotta jump through it or it's gonna burn your ass.

‐ Hey. ‐ Hi.

I've been trying to call you.

Uh, yeah, I lost my phone.

‐ Word? ‐ Mm‐hmm.

[cell phone ringing]

Thanks.

Tia, is there somethin' you want to tell me?

Mm‐hmm. I want new furniture.

Oh, that's good.

Can we get rid of Shaq's hand?

I'm talking about your place, okay?

‐ Especially that couch. ‐ What's wrong with my couch?

Well, it's not yours, it's Neesee's.

And when she sits on it, it is not a couch

it is a sex toy.

Well, then, can we just flip the cushions?

[chuckles] Come on. Now, I'm just playing with you.

‐ I love you. ‐ Honey, I love you, too.

Okay? But I don't understand what's going on up here.

And that makes me nervous about what's going on in here.

Come on, baby, you've known me for a long time.

You know ain't nothing going on up here.

Come here.

Look..

As God is my witness

I'm very clear about what's going on down here.

I hear what you're saying

but it's like what we tell Bobby.

‐ It's not what you say, it's‐‐ ‐ It's what you do.

Yeah, so we gotta do

or we gotta don't.

Well, I do.

‐ Do you? ‐ Oh, God..

‐ Hm? ‐ Oh..

Oh..

Oh, honey, it is beautiful.

Mm..

Ooh, this ring is the bomb.

[laughing]

Oh.

And rock beats couch.

[instrumental music]

Hey, look, I don't want Jada.

You told me Will was coming on the show.

Baby‐mama drama, three o'clock.

Spineless yes‐man, all day long.

‐ What's up, Neesee? ‐ Listen.

I dropped Bobby off at school and I saw the ring.

I can't believe you're picking tamales

from your son's kindergarten.

She's a teacher. She's not a tamale.

How could you ask her to marry you

without talking to your son first?

Neese, I proposed to Tia at two o'clock in the morning.

Waking my son up in the middle of the night

to tell him that his dad is getting remarried

is not my idea of good parenting, okay?

And having him hear about it from someone else is?

Someone told Bobby?

Well, no.

But they could have.

Dr. Benson said this is the exact kind of thing you do

but, no, I didn't believe her.

Well, for 200 an hour, if Dr. Benson told you

that the sky was falling, you need to duck, tuck and roll.

Robert, your son deserves to know first.

You're right. Can you bring him by my house after school?

Fine. We'll be there at four o'clock.

Specific time.

I said four o'clock.

Uh, it's not gonna work, boss.

You got an interview at four o'clock.

‐ How did you‐‐ ‐ Your mike's on again.

Boy, you got a damn rock for a head.

Dirk does that a lot better than I do, doesn't he?

[instrumental music]

Thanks for coming.

No problem.

‐ Ready to go for a walk? ‐ Shoulders!

Okay. Come on, let's go. Um..

Dad!

Oh, you want to ride on my shoulders.

Alright. Let's go.

‐ Ooh, ooh, ooh. ‐ Ooh..

‐ Bye, sweetie! ‐ Bye‐bye, mommy.

Come on in.

(Neesee) Oh. Oh..

Uh, make yourself comfortable.

[sighs] Oh..

[chuckling]

Oh, God, I love this couch.

Daddy loves you, mommy loves you and Tia loves you.

‐ And grandma? ‐ And grandma, too.

‐ And grandpa? ‐ Let's just say..

Everybody who's in a picture frame in the house loves you.

‐ Okay? ‐ Okay.

[smirks]

You know, that ring is not gonna make me disappear.

‐ Oh, I know that. ‐ We have a child together.

‐ I'm aware of that. ‐ Good.

I'm glad we had a chance to talk.

Me, too. Me, too.

[chuckles] That's true, SpongeBob's not in a frame

but he loves you, too.

And when you love people

you want them to be happy.

And daddy wants you to be happy.

Daddy wants mommy to be happy

and daddy wants daddy to be happy.

You know what makes daddy happy?

‐ Skittles! ‐ Ha‐ha.

Uh, and Tia.

Does mommy make you happy?

Well..

...the fact that she made you will always make me happy.

Daddy, can you put me down?

‐ Why? ‐ I want to look at you.

[sighs] Tsk. Alright.

Hm..

Now, Bobby, daddy asked Tia to marry him.

How does that make you feel?

Will mommy still be my mommy?

Yes, yes. No, of course, she will.

Then what's Tia?

Tia will be my wife.

What will she be to me?

The same thing she is to you now.

Well, actually, she would be more like, um..

You know what?

As long as you're comfortable with the basic structure

we can work out all the other details later. What do you say?

‐ Okay. ‐ Alright! That's my man!

Live from Hollywood, this is Robert James

Mr. LA, saying

peace to you.

(male #1) 'Cut!'

Yo, dawg, how you like my new sign‐off?

Doesn't matter. They cut out after, "Live from Hollywood."

Baby‐mama drama, three o'clock.

[sighs] What's up, Neesee?

[sighs]

I had a dream last night.

You, me and Bobby were walking on the beach.

And then I realized

I wasn't leaving any footprints.

Uh‐huh.

That's it.

Do you and Dr. Benson just talk

or can she give you medicine?

Robert, your little friend is trying to erase me.

First it's our couch, next it's our son.

And you got all of that from a walk on the beach?

[sighs]

Robert..

Did we try everything we could to make our marriage work?

Oh, no, no, no, no. Look, d‐don't, don't do this, Neesee.

I mean, don't you think

that we owe it to Bobby to try again?

Look, don't throw Bobby in my face. You left me.

Well, uh, I'm surprised you noticed.

You were so busy with all this

you forgot about all this.

I married Robert James

but what I got was, ooff, Mr. LA.

Yeah, well, excuse me for selfishly trying

to provide for my family.

But I tried planting you a Gucci tree.

But day after day, heh, no shoes.

This is not about me.

I'm not the one running around town

getting engaged.

[chuckles] You know what? You're right.

You're absolutely right.

I mean, you know, you remember, remember

when you told me you didn't love me anymore

and you were leaving and that you wanted a divorce? Huh?

No, no, no. You should hear this.

This, tsk, this is hilarious.

I thought you meant you didn't love me anymore

you were leaving and that you wanted a divorce.

[chuckling]

I'm stupid.

[laughs]

Oh, my God. You are so misunderstood, Neesee.

I'm just trying to do the right thing.

Well, you need to get back to the drawing board

because what was the right thing a year and a half ago

damn sure ain't the right thing now.

That's how you man up!

Mm‐mm‐mm.

Who said you can't cook, girl?

Neesee.

[chuckles]

Speaking of Neesee, she came to the set today.

How does she get past security?

Oh, I guess, with a broom

you can just fly over that little gate, huh?

[laughing]

‐ Yeah, she's a trip. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

With all she's done..

...she asked me to try again.

Try what?

She said we owed it to Bobby.

Wow, I can't believe it.

She really did it. She dropped the baby bomb, man.

[scoffs] How am I supposed to compete with that?

Baby, you do not have to compete against Neesee.

I don't care about her, but I don't wanna feel like

I'm stealing something away from your son.

Stealing?

Adding you to Bobby's and my life

is the best thing I could possibly do.

Are you sure, Robert?

Of course, I'm sure.

That's why I'm marrying your fine ass.

[chuckles]

[instrumental music]

[doorbell rings]

Neesee, thanks for coming by.

Tia, thanks for being open to this.

Everybody have a seat.

Tia, couch. Neesee, chair.

Alright, y'all, let's get a couple of things straight.

[clears throat] Tia is gonna be my wife

and you gonna have to get used to that.

Neesee is the mother of my son

'and you're gonna have to get used to that.'

I'm about to be in hell for the rest of my life..

...and I'm going to have to get used to that.

So in the spirit of cooperation

I'mma open up the floor.

I would appreciate it if you would respect my space

and give, like, half an hour's notice before you just show up.

I can do that.

But when I do show up, I expect to be treated with courtesy.

I can do that.

[chuckles]

[whispers] We're talking.

And you'll be treated with courtesy

as long as you don't forget

you are a guest in this house.

My only concern is my son.

You know I love little Bobby.

I know that.

But I'm his mother, his only mother.

And if you forget that

my hands are gonna be all over you.

Uh, did she just threaten me?

‐ No, no, no.. ‐ Because you know what?

So, so, so as long as we're comfortable

with the basic structure

we can work out all of the details later.

[chuckles]

Deal?

[clears throat] Hm.

‐ Deal. ‐ Deal.

But see, I don't know how long this gonna be lasting..

[indistinct chatter]

[door shuts]

Boy, I got a damn rock for a head.

[theme music]